So I just looked through my entire myspace buddy list, trying to figure out who reads this that lives in Wichita Falls. So if that'd be you, let me know. And if your wondering how i know where and when and how people read this, its cause i have a site meter. Let know i'm curious, cause it seems that you've read quite a bit so far.

MYSPACE:
Subject: If ya'll were wondering
Posted Date: Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 11:09 AM

I posted a blog yesterday with 2 pictures in it, and I wanted ya'lls opinion. And just for the sake of it, I'll post them again on here right now.  Here ya go:

 

The first I found online about 2 years ago, and the other I found, but I edited most of it and made it my own creation, lol.  Wondering why i'm asking opinions, well cause they're the 2 new tattoos that I got. I got them last night, been planning on gettinth them for quite awhile but just now had enough money to go do it. Both are on the inside of my ankles. The 1st one is a celtic E, lol and even my good friends ask why, and i'm like duh!! the first letter of my name starts with an E (Erin).  And the 2nd was orginally just a celtic type circle with and ankh in the middle with little startbursts in the star, but I took some stuff out and added my own. The japanese kanji stands for faith/believe (not a religious type faith), its something that has meant something to me for a very long time.  So anyways that is that. The people that were in there thought i was badass, cause I just stay calm the whole time, and I did one right after the other.  So it was cool, had a good time while I was in there.

Right after I left there, I went directly from Ft. Worth to Dallas to go to Buddies, cause there was a show and all my friends were there.  I got there with an hour 1/2 left till close. Made the rounds and said hi to everyone, showed a few the new tattoos and why I was late.  They got me out on the dancefloor. Which trying to get me to dance is always hilarious with that group, they even tried to get me to 2-step, lol.  But i had a great time while I was there, always good people. 

Just got back from taking my brother to the airport, and now I'm posting this.  And last but not least the actual pictures of my tattoos.  Here ya go, let me know what ya'll think!!!

OMG I just randomly came across the most amazing song ever. I heard it and immediately thought of Katlin, so this ones for you C.R.

NICKELBACK:
"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go

ABBA:
"I Wonder"

This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here
One day when I am returning?
My friends will get married, have children and homes
It sounds so nice, well-planned and wise
Never expecting surprises

I wonder, it’s frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don’t even try
I’m not a coward
Oh no, I’ll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it, it can’t go wrong

My friends and my family, this dull little town
Buses I’ve missed, boys that I’ve kissed
Everything old and familiar

I wonder, it’s frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don’t even try
I’m not a coward
Oh no, I’ll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it.........
Yes I will take it, it can’t go wrong


I took the chance, and I did it all wrong, it wasn't the right decision. I was most definitely a coward. Shes on my mind everyday, I can't stop thinking about her and how things are between us. I left cause i thought it was the right thing to do, but I was so incredibly wrong. I came back and she wasn't here, shes hidden herself behind the wall that she built to protect herself from me. Its what I would've done too. If i left and came back again, I think she wouldn't be here at all, she would have already left. I fear that, I fear that will be what becomes of us, seperated for ever, never to find each other ever again. I once believed that if you stood up to someone and admitted that you were wrong, that there could be a chance of forgiveness and things working out in the end. But I don't think it will happen here, i'm not that lucky. But if things were as simple as that I would stay here in a standstill until the moment arrived. I would spend the rest of my life trying to get her to forgive me, I really would. I'd do anything to prove to her how much I love her, to get her to speak to me. Anything, I really would. I look back to comments I'd left her, promising to fight. I gave up, didn't even try. But i'm here to say that I've grown alot since then, I've figured out alot. And my hearts points to her, telling me to fight for her now, to fight even when there is no hope. I have to fight to win her back, fight to earn her trust again, fight for her love. I was scared before, I'm scared now. I imagine we'd face the same things as we did before, but I don't fear them as much now, cause i realized that if I have to go through all the obstacles just to be with her. Then so be it. It would be worth it, cause I can't imagine my life without her in it.

I must sound insane for writing what I do, most i'm sure think its all bullshit, most do. Perhaps I am insane. If you only knew how I felt when I was with her, the feeling I get everytime I see her, everytime I look into her eyes, hear her voice, to see her art. If you knew how I felt, then maybe then you would understand. Perhaps the best day of my life was waking up next to her that day only to look out the window to see the earth covered in snow, and to lie there next to her and feel her warmth. I love her. I really really do. One of our friends once said this: "this might be obvious but the reason you and erin can't let go of each other is because you love one another." Shes right, I can't let go, and I won't let go.

So I wrote all of this, and my computer froze, so if it sounds a little off, its cause rewriting things, it never turns out quite like the original.

Shes gone from my life now, but she leaves an everlasting impression on me. She won't speak to me, we've gone over this, I now know for a fact she gets my messages. Her invisible replies remain blank. But her words speak so clearly to me. Silent but deadly, well not really deadly. Its been a wake up call.

Since I withdrew from school, i've been working a ton, but all the while i've been doing some soul-searching, going through my past, through my memories of the good and the bad. Just flipping through the pages of my mind, remembering. I've been doing what i've wanted for so long, slowly but steadily letting go. The things that have been driving me crazy, making me so depressed, stuff that i've been hung up on for so long. I've let go of the first few heartbreaks, like Michelle and Rebecca, I let them go, and got over it. I held on for a long time, kept that hope there. I grew up, I learned to let it go. I've been learning alot lately, I'm getting alot better at not taking things personally and not dwelling on things I can't control, not letting myself get attached. I've always had these expectations of people, or hope, and I was always let down. Now I just go with the flow, and "just be: no expectations." Every day is different.

Thinking about all these events in my life, theres so much there. But it helps to go through it all in my head. And its a relieving feeling, when once i've gone through all of something, and just accept it. To know that something happened, I made certain decisions and I can't change those things. To know that I recognize that I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't gone through that stuff. For along time I've been so selfish, when other people around me are happy, I didn't want them to be. I wanted them to feel like me. Even when they weren't mine anymore, I would get so upset if they were happy and had moved on. So childish of me to not want to share anyone, to not want people to move on from me, I always wanted them to only want me. But it can't be that way, I have to let go. Its ok that they don't need me or want me, its ok, they can live without me. Just as I can live with out them, we're just going in our own directions, and it is ok. I've learned, learned to let go. Believe me, it does feel good to let go. I'm so sick of making myself miserable by dwelling on these tiny simple things. And rather than keep saying it over and over again that I want something to change, i've finally started to do exactly that.

But back to Christopher Robin. I love her, I really do. She has a beautiful soul. I hate that I damaged it. I hope that its healing, even though i know my text messages, emails, or phone calls don't help. But up until a week ago, I didn't officially know she wasn't speaking to me. I hadn't really known the extent of how bad things are between us. I just kept going about in my own little world, all the while leaving her to her life. When I promised we'd be each others world, we'd be together, things wouldn't get in the way. I wouldn't leave her. But I did. I talk about it alot, that I drown myself in things to try and forget about my life, its true though. I did it with her. I was a fool to think that distance would keep that heartbreak in the past. I even stopped talking to my other soccer girls, just because there was a connection to her. You can't runaway from your past, it always comes back up "only to bite you in the ass." And it has. Reality sucks. Knowing that I could be with her forever, but now I may spend eternity trying to get her to speak to me again.

I realize what I lost. But when I think about it, I think I should leave her alone. Let go, let her live. I'm sure alot of people would agree with me on that. That i've already hurt her enough. But with her its different, there was something pure with her, she held my heart, and I held hers. We were just dealt a really shitty hand of circumstances. Bad timing you could say. My other ex's, we just weren't meant to be, we had our chance but nothing became of that time, only in one circumstance besides with CR, can I admit that something could have developed (but i ended it too soon). CR and I never really got our time, the very first week after we got together her parents found out, and our lives were a living hell. I was so childish and a coward for not fighting with her. Its almost been 2 years, and i've come back around for like the 100th time. I told myself theres nothing you can do about it right now, nothing. And here I am now thinking, you idiot, do something, make her see, for goodness sake do something now before the moment is gone and things get to far that you really completely can't do anything to bring her back.

I've grown up alot the last 2 years, learned alot about life and people. I know what I want in life, I'm finally moving on from my past. Letting go of past relationships, how people treated me, how shitty my family life was and how to deal with my feelings in a constructive way. So here I am calmly writing about how I feel, that I love CR and I don't plan on moving on from her. I will live my live until I get that chance with her, the moment she lets me back in. I will not dwell on the bad things that have happened or on what I don't have. I will simply just live. And thats that I guess.

So in the future, Chrisopher Robin, call all me and I'll be around. I may be around when you don't want me, but i don't freeze my ass off for no reason. I go see my soccer girls, but really I go just so i can see you. Remember that sleepover, the whole point of it was so that I could be near you and get to know you more. Now I just come around to even get a glimpse of you. Love you always, and i hope that you'll forgive me some day and we'll be ok again. Till then, I miss you and think about you everyday.

"Without pain, without sacrifice, nothing has any meaning." --- Fightclub

Shes my "Chrisopher Robin" and i'm "Pooh" bear (winnie the pooh that is). Only I know what i'm talking about when i write that. But Katlin is my CR, i'll explain someday. She's not speaking to me. I understand it though, I would to if i were her. I have this image burned into my mind of her just walking away, having not utterted a single word to me. It hurts me, but I don't mind, I deserve it, I broke hers. She once said she forgave me, I know in my heart she didn't. It still hurts her, I think it hurts her still when she sees me or even sees words that I write. I do know all the shit she went through with us, I acknowledge that. She would have given up everything to be with me. I loved her, I really did, still do. She really is always in my heart. I wanted to fight with her, but I was a coward. I gave in and didn't fight. I am a coward!!! I gave in, just laid down to die, didn't even try. Part of me wants to believe that it was best for her, but I know really I just let her down. I tell my self it was the best for her, as if trying to make myself feel better. I didn't keep my promise.

She feels naive for believing me. But I was naive too. I wanted to believe that somehow it'd work out fine in the end, that somehow things would work out for us. It would all be ok. I was never tired of her, so far from it. When ever I look at her, I wish she could see the emotions that are still within me. I do still love, I still think of her, want to be with her. I have these feelings. An then in the back of my mind I hear the conversation I had with her mother on the phone once. If she would have left her family cause they were being so ridiculous, it wouldn't be so simple. I would be in jail, and thats a big deal. More than anything I wanted to be with her, but is it ok to admit that I was scared out of my mind. I was a coward, rather than standing up and facing my problem, I just crawled away with my tail between my legs. Ran away, tried to hide myself away from everything. As if somehow if I distanced myself, I would somehow forget. And look where I am now. Back where I started. But i'm admitting that I was a coward I ran away and left you to fend for yourself. I would be weary of myself as well. How could i leave her, why did I let her slip away, shes the most amazing person, pure-hearted, good soul. And i punched a hole straight through her heart.

I know words can't patch up that wound. There is nothing I can do at all to fix it, only she can do that. She went through alot of shit, so much, and I left her with nothing to fall back on. I despise myself for it, and even more so the things i did to drown out the knowledge of how horrid of a person I am. And the things i've done just made me worse of a person. I've grown alot since this all began. I've live a little more, learned alot more. And here I am, I find myself wanting her just simply to speak to me. Its not going to happen though. I'm sure the mere mention of my name makes her cringe a little. Despises me, disgusted with me, but i think most of all shes disappointed in me. I'm sorry I let her down. But as she said lets leave well enough as it is.

She asked how long, my answer, forever, truthfully forever.

To whoever left me this comment:

"I have thought of making someones Blog into a movie,think urs would be a good canidate? imagine going in to a theatre and watchin the trailers and saying to urself hey this looks rediculously familar to me ? wouldnt that be wicked Erin ?Keep them posts comin Shorty C'mon Reach for the Stars!!! Peace to you"

I very much so think my blogger would make an inresting movie, I know i've written that somewhere on here before. People who've read this before have also mentioned that they think it'd be a good idea as well. So if you ever do make it into a movie, please by all means let me know. By the way, i'm curious as to who left me that comment. And I see you've read the whole thing, by the reach for the stars comment. Very cool. Anyways this is all for now.

Oh and as a side note, I have a link on my myspace to here and my other bloggers. But have no link for my myspace on here, so here it is: MYSPACE

MYSPACE:
Subject: knowledge is power
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 6:11 PM

Well I don't know about power, but its good to have.  So I'm not sure if all of ya'll know for sure.  But a couple of weeks ago, I withdrew from school for the rest of the year. Yay for me.  Well also I withdrew from the first trimester as well, cause I wasn't finishing any of my classes, so rather than getting several F's, the classes won't be on my record at all.  Good thing.  I keep getting lectures from people how generally when people stop they never go back.  My mom brought that up on the phone the other day, I snapped at her.  Told her thats not who I am to just quit, I didn't want to start in the first place this year, but I did, I tried and look where I am now.  Whenever people give me this speech, it pisses me off. Do you people have no faith in me whatsoever??????  I don't think anyone knows me and what I want out of life.  I told my mom that those people that don't go back, don't know what they want out of life, and I do. She was left speechless for several minutes seriously. I do know what I want out of life, and I can't just quit school and not go back.  I know how to get where I want to be and I have to finish school to do that. I don't plan on putting it off and screwing around for the rest of my life. Its not who I am. Have some faith in me, trust that I am an adult and know what I'm doing. Don't doubt me, don't doubt who I am.  I strictly wanted to take time off to get myself together, my life. I've said this to many people, most don't know what I mean.  I've been on the verge of breaking down completely, they don't know this.  I wish I could just say, look do you really want me to end up killing myself cause i'm so depressed or would you like me to take some time for myself and get better???  Thats what it comes down to.  BUT I can't say that to my mother or peers from school cause they don't know me, or that part of my life because i've kept it hidden for so long. 

Sure i'm doing ok now, I can say that. Erin is good.  But what about a few weeks from now, a few months, or years. Where will I be, how will I be. I hope mentally stable.  Thats my real goal you see, is to be happy and to really put my past behind me.  In this moment, these last few weeks, since i've withdrawn from school, i have been happy.  A burden was lifted off my shoulders, I could breathe.  Finally.  In that moment, it was solely my decision, no one elses.  No one could change my mind, its what I wanted and needed to happen.  It was the best thing for me to do.  It really was. 

So what am I to do now.  I mentioned it before, about moving away when my lease is up in March, and never tell anyone where I'm going.  Some people claimed that I better tell them where so they could visit, I wish that were true. Some said  I better take them with me, so we could run away together, I wish that were true too. Hell who knows maybe they do speak the truth.  Realisticly though, I could move away and not tell anyone where, they'd never know, when they call or write, just claim i'm working and can't do anything.  Wouldn't be a lie really, cause thats all i really do.  But seriously, orginally before i started college, I wanted to go to Northwood's campus in Midland, Michigan. I've been bouncing back and forth alot lately about transferring campuses when i start back in the fall.  But also I've been thinking alot about going to their campus in West Palm Beach, Florida as well.  Can't make up my mind, if i go to florida I might continue to play soccer, its NAIA there so i think I could get on their team, it'd be easier there, compared to a NCAA school.  But who knows, thats months from now. 

I've been wanting to go to Europe for months now, I've been thinking about trying to go soon, maybe something I could do after i move out of my apartment, I don't really feel like staying around here.  I need away, i'm already out of my hometown (did that my junior year of high school), but I need away from Dallas, this area, from Texas.  Afterall, there is nothing keeping me here.  And thats kind of a sad factor in everything.  I think alot about that. Makes me wish sometimes I had someone that made me want to stay around.  But then I remember its who I am though, all my life i've wanted to get away, to travel, its my passion my ultimate goal in life. I want to see the world, different cultures, different areas, different lands, things completely new to me.  Learn things i've never known.  I look out into the unknown and try to grasp it, but all I can do is chase after it and try to discover it.  Keep following the horizon that keeps getting farther and farther away the more you follow it.  Its a never-ending process you see, you can never stop learning, never stop living in the moment.  Thats life, or atleast my definition of it.  Ask me what I want to be when I grow up, and I'll tell you I don't care as long as I get to travel.

I know where I want to be, do you? 

When you look out into the distance, what do you see?

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"I have learned by some experience, by many examples, and by the writings of countless others before me, also occupied in the search, that certain environments, certain modes of life, certain rules of conduct are more conducive to inner and outer harmony than others. There are, in fact, certain roads that one may follow. Simplification of life is one of them."--Ann Morrow Lindbergh

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, and you don't branch out, you don't try--you don't take the risk."--Rosalynn Carter

And now, i'm off to go to watch Anton sing at the Hideaway. Have a goodnight ya'll, feel free to comment, they make my day when I get them, I look forward to them.  Adios.

Comments:

Lesie: It's good that you know what you want to do in life. I have a college degree and it's basically worthless because I have no idea what I want to do. I vote for West Palm Beach, Florida. It's by the beach who could ask for better!

Sara B: When you run away you have to take me with you. I thought we already went over this. I know what you mean when you say you want to get away and that you want to travel. I agree with both. But I am sticking with my roots and traveling. I donno..leaving for good is way to much for me to deal with right now. You seem like you are pulling away. I miss you and our adventures

MYSPACE:
Subject: knowledge is power
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 6:11 PM

Well I don't know about power, but its good to have.  So I'm not sure if all of ya'll know for sure.  But a couple of weeks ago, I withdrew from school for the rest of the year. Yay for me.  Well also I withdrew from the first trimester as well, cause I wasn't finishing any of my classes, so rather than getting several F's, the classes won't be on my record at all.  Good thing.  I keep getting lectures from people how generally when people stop they never go back.  My mom brought that up on the phone the other day, I snapped at her.  Told her thats not who I am to just quit, I didn't want to start in the first place this year, but I did, I tried and look where I am now.  Whenever people give me this speech, it pisses me off. Do you people have no faith in me whatsoever??????  I don't think anyone knows me and what I want out of life.  I told my mom that those people that don't go back, don't know what they want out of life, and I do. She was left speechless for several minutes seriously. I do know what I want out of life, and I can't just quit school and not go back.  I know how to get where I want to be and I have to finish school to do that. I don't plan on putting it off and screwing around for the rest of my life. Its not who I am. Have some faith in me, trust that I am an adult and know what I'm doing. Don't doubt me, don't doubt who I am.  I strictly wanted to take time off to get myself together, my life. I've said this to many people, most don't know what I mean.  I've been on the verge of breaking down completely, they don't know this.  I wish I could just say, look do you really want me to end up killing myself cause i'm so depressed or would you like me to take some time for myself and get better???  Thats what it comes down to.  BUT I can't say that to my mother or peers from school cause they don't know me, or that part of my life because i've kept it hidden for so long. 

Sure i'm doing ok now, I can say that. Erin is good.  But what about a few weeks from now, a few months, or years. Where will I be, how will I be. I hope mentally stable.  Thats my real goal you see, is to be happy and to really put my past behind me.  In this moment, these last few weeks, since i've withdrawn from school, i have been happy.  A burden was lifted off my shoulders, I could breathe.  Finally.  In that moment, it was solely my decision, no one elses.  No one could change my mind, its what I wanted and needed to happen.  It was the best thing for me to do.  It really was. 

So what am I to do now.  I mentioned it before, about moving away when my lease is up in March, and never tell anyone where I'm going.  Some people claimed that I better tell them where so they could visit, I wish that were true. Some said  I better take them with me, so we could run away together, I wish that were true too. Hell who knows maybe they do speak the truth.  Realisticly though, I could move away and not tell anyone where, they'd never know, when they call or write, just claim i'm working and can't do anything.  Wouldn't be a lie really, cause thats all i really do.  But seriously, orginally before i started college, I wanted to go to Northwood's campus in Midland, Michigan. I've been bouncing back and forth alot lately about transferring campuses when i start back in the fall.  But also I've been thinking alot about going to their campus in West Palm Beach, Florida as well.  Can't make up my mind, if i go to florida I might continue to play soccer, its NAIA there so i think I could get on their team, it'd be easier there, compared to a NCAA school.  But who knows, thats months from now. 

I've been wanting to go to Europe for months now, I've been thinking about trying to go soon, maybe something I could do after i move out of my apartment, I don't really feel like staying around here.  I need away, i'm already out of my hometown (did that my junior year of high school), but I need away from Dallas, this area, from Texas.  Afterall, there is nothing keeping me here.  And thats kind of a sad factor in everything.  I think alot about that. Makes me wish sometimes I had someone that made me want to stay around.  But then I remember its who I am though, all my life i've wanted to get away, to travel, its my passion my ultimate goal in life. I want to see the world, different cultures, different areas, different lands, things completely new to me.  Learn things i've never known.  I look out into the unknown and try to grasp it, but all I can do is chase after it and try to discover it.  Keep following the horizon that keeps getting farther and farther away the more you follow it.  Its a never-ending process you see, you can never stop learning, never stop living in the moment.  Thats life, or atleast my definition of it.  Ask me what I want to be when I grow up, and I'll tell you I don't care as long as I get to travel.

I know where I want to be, do you? 

When you look out into the distance, what do you see?

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"I have learned by some experience, by many examples, and by the writings of countless others before me, also occupied in the search, that certain environments, certain modes of life, certain rules of conduct are more conducive to inner and outer harmony than others. There are, in fact, certain roads that one may follow. Simplification of life is one of them."--Ann Morrow Lindbergh

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, and you don't branch out, you don't try--you don't take the risk."--Rosalynn Carter

And now, i'm off to go to watch Anton sing at the Hideaway. Have a goodnight ya'll, feel free to comment, they make my day when I get them, I look forward to them.  Adios.

MYSPACE:
Subject: blankblankblank
Posted Date: Thursday, November 24, 2005 - 9:20 PM

So i'm not sure exactly what i'm going to write about.

I went to s4 last night with Sarah (navy Sarah), and we met Joshy and Holly, they're the bestest. And I didn't know Jeremy was going to be there, so i was uber excited to see him, he's a sweetheart.  Saw Mallory and Stacie, ran into Robert and several other people.  Actually ran into Mario, met him through the soccer people last year, he's straight but cool.   I got my face shoved in Holly's boobies several times during the night, very amusing might I add.  Kinda sorta danced with Joshy, Sarah and Holly, they're alot of fun.  Had a few people check me out, which is always nice.  All in all after a 13 hour workday, going out.... was well worth it. I had a good time, I smiled and laughed.

Today I was going to get up at 7:30, but after not getting to bed till 4, it wasn't happening. Reset the clock for an hour later, only to keep hitting the snooze button for another hour after that.  Got up and got dress and did my hair. Went to my grandparents house in Weatherford. My granparents and aunt Sharon and uncle Bob, were all very amused by my hair. Oh and might i add, my brothers were as well, they hadn't seen it yet either. Ate there.  Went to my dad's and hung out for a bit, ate a little more. Took my step-sis to her friends and hung out for a little while, came back.  Talked a little. THEN went to my mom's (remind me to add a story below). Helped her wash the 2 small dogs and clip their nails, and oh wow was that fun, I have scratches all on my arms from my dog Kindle. Sat and talked with her awhile. Headed back home only to get invtied over to Stacies house, so I went and chilled with her, her girlfriend and their friend Nick.  It was cool just hanging out.  And now I'm here. YAY

Ok so my story. As i was pulling into my mom's driveway I thought to stop and get the mail cause it looked like they hadn't got it out from the day before, and I was going to put some of my mail in there to be sent.  As I open the door, theres a melted coke bottle with liquid inside and some paper/foil looking stuff, the whole inside of the mailbox is black or brownish and the grass below the mailbox was burnt. I pick up the bottle and some of the liquid came out and touched some of the paper stuff and started to react and bubble up.  So my point being  SOMEONE TRIED TO BLOW UP MY MOM'S MAILBOX.  I mean seriously WTF, what is wrong with people these days, do they not realize how dangerous that is. Come on, never seen the movie butterfly effect, where they stick the dynamite in the mailbox and it kills the lady and her baby.  And especially when it comes to a chemical reaction type of situation, thats a very unpredictable substance.  I'm not mad, not sure if mom will report it. But I thought it was fucked up, and sort of amused me at the same time. I really wish it had blown up the mailbox, my mom's ex fiance built the birdhouse thing around it, I think it looks retarded. I'm old-fashioned, I like the typical metal mailbox.  But anyways, I do actually know what was used or could be used to make that type of bomb, but choose not to write it, cause i'm sure some psycho or some innocent kid will find it and want to try it. 

Oh and another thing I'm uber excited, I have plans for the 11th to hang out with this really cute girl, and shes a soccer girl, which is even better.  :)

Thats all for now, have to be at work at 7:30 a.m. sharp.  I hate early mornings, but oddly i'm getting used to them, and getting even more used to going to sleep early in the evening, like an old person.  Ok goodnight ya'll, hope ya'lls thanksgiving was awesome.  Mine surprisingly went really well.  Laters.

And my step-mom Jan took this picture of my hair today:

MYSPACE:
Subject: thinking
Posted Date: Monday, November 21, 2005 - 5:19 AM

random thought, while getting ready for work. I don't remember when i ate last, its atleast been a day 1/2, and even then it was only soup and earlier in the day a PB&J sandwich. And really both are all i've really ate the last few weeks. I can tell the difference. I like it.

Oh and i keep dreaming about freaking christmas trees, damn my job. lol seriously i have been dreaming of them. Its messed up. And speaking of which, I have a ton of tiny cuts all on my arms from working with the trees and stringing all the lights and stuff. My arms look goofy, but I like it. Lets me know i've been working hard.

Alright, I have to go, I have to go to work. Adios.

Update: so i only ate half a PB&J yesterday. I ran some errands today, went and got my hair trimmed and went to the bank. THEN went to whataburger and got their new peppercorn whatachicken sandwich. It was pretty good. But since i haven't ate the last 2 days, it really upset my stomach, but its all good now though. just wanted to update and let ya'll know I finally ate lol. I'm so weird about eating, either i'm eating all damn day or hardly at all. But when i'm exhausted, I choose sleep over food. So I work all day come home and put on my pjs and go to sleep. The way I see it, work my ass off now, making good money (cause if i take a lunch break i don't get paid), and come december 5th i'll have 3 weeks off until after christmas when we start back up to do takedowns. Anyways, I have to go to work now. Laters.

MYSPACE:
Subject: I'm ok, are you ok?
Posted Date: Thursday, November 17, 2005 - 6:17 AM

Yeah i'm doing ok, how are ya'll? Work is keeping me busy and tired. But the people i'm around make it all worth it. Thats all i really have to say for now. Is that i'm doing good, and i'm serious about that. Anyways, i'm off to work, laters.

MYSPACE:
Subject: argggh.......
Posted Date: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 - 10:52 PM

So I was completely out asleep, and I get woken up about 20 minutes ago, after midnight might i add. My neighbors above me were having a huge fight. So rather than just laying there hoping they'd stop, I got up. Now i'm reminded again that i'm starving, have nothing in my apt. to eat besides soup (which is all i've really been eating lately) and that I'm too lazy to go get something to eat (which I don't have the money to buy anything anyways). I'm so frustrated right now, cause i have to get up early for work again. This job really is taking alot out of me, but its ok i guess, but i don't get paid till next friday and no money from here to there really sucks. But anyways, thats really all I wanted to say. I'm going to go figure out something to do so i can eat. I really want to make these lemon poppyseed muffins that i jacked from my mom's house the other day, but i don't have all the ingredients and that requires going to the store. Alrighty, I'm off to figure something out. ADIOS.

Oh yeah its really fucking cold outside...... for once.

Comments:

Leslie: Icky. It needs to be warm again. It's too cold for me. Well, I would like a day or two of it so I can wear cute clothes, but then we need to go back to warm weather.

Tamara: funny shaist coz that's all i have in my dorm.. soup n ravioli lol..i had some last night with a peanut butter n jelly sandwich. yummy..don't ya love college grub? NOT. i'm broke until hmm..tuesday which is the day i leave home but oh well guess i'm gonna have to stay put for 6 days. *pouts* oh well.. i'm late to class. catch ya later gator. =0)

MYSPACE:
Subject: wonderful.
Posted Date: Sunday, November 13, 2005 - 3:37 AM


I just accidentally came across this song, I think its wonderful.

Edwin McCain:

3 a.m.

It’s 3:00 a.m.
I’m awake and my heart is still dreaming
It’s 3:00 a.m.
Outside I hear the souls still screaming
It’s been so long you know since my head’s been this clear
Just like a ship lost in the night
I just don’t know which way I should steer

But I’ll keep chasing my dreams
And only you can make them real
I pour my heart out every night
But do you know the way that I feel

Sometimes this is work
And don’t you know sometimes this is play
Sometimes you are listening to me
And sometimes you don’t hear a damn word that I say
Sometimes there’s a girl
Sometimes I go home alone
And I guess it’s no wonder right now
That I do very well on my own

But I’ll keep chasing my dreams
And only you can make them real
I pour my heart out every night
But do you know the way that I feel

And I will play just as long as you will listen
Now I’m in no big hurry to get back on the road
Sometimes in this lifestyle
I feel like there’s so much that I’m missing
Well I’m missing you
It’s just that I’m ... so far from home

It’s 3:00 a.m.
I’m awake and my heart is still dreaming
It’s 3:00 a.m.
Outside I hear the souls still screaming



OMG i just now figured out how to change those smiley mood icon thingies. lol i'm slow what can i say. Well I'm still being productive, off I go again, yay

Subject just in case.
Posted Date: Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 4:11 PM

Just in case you're wondering, i pretty much just deleted all of my blogs. No, not gone forever just transferred sites.  You see I have a blogger (the only site i actually consider a post a blog) which is the place I actually write in, my journal.  So to keep everything neat and organized and up to par with my OCD I transferred all the posts from here to there, that way my journal is up to date.  Oh and there are some posts on there that weren't ever on here in the first place.  Theres information in there from about oh, February 2003 to now. Its called Quietly Listening To My Heart.

Alrighty and while i was at it, I went ahead and transferred all my old journal entries that I had on bolt.com (badass site BTW) and added it to another blogger of mine cause it would have messed up the beginning of my original blogger.  It info from about May 2001 until about May 2003. Its called Desperately Seeking Truth.

Haha but i have written for a few years now and have written alot.  If you do read those, be prepared, i'm sure you'll find out alot of stuff that you never knew before or wouldn't expect from me.  And that one is called Answers to Questions.

And on another note, while i was at it i renovated my other blogger that is for my poetry. I haven't added alot of my new stuff, well put it this way I haven't added anything new since March 15, 2004.  But i'll be working on getting it updated.

And links are below this :) So yepyep, thats it, just wanted to let ya'll know. Adios for now.

Quietly Listening To My Heart.

Desperately Seeking Truth.

Answers to Questions. 

 

I'm not really sure whats going on in my life right now, i'm just kind of going on a day by day basis. I'm at my mom's house right now, and man do i love it. i could lie in my room forever, if you saw it, you'd understand. I need to actually write, or well transfer my posts from myspace over to this one. That way whoever doesn't read that one can catch up. Haha as if anyone reads this anymore. Its all good though. I'm not sure what i'm writing about. I just can't sleep. meh.... alright i'm going to go and try to find something constructive to do for awhile. In other words, go randomly searching throughout the house for random stuff, its alot of fun cause you never know what you'll find. Alrighty, laters.

Alrighty, so i just transferred all my posts from myspace onto here, so if you see the top of the post say MYSPACE: thats what it is. Enjoy.

MYSPACE:

Subject: my new hat
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 7:35 PM

So i bought a new hat today at Claire's, I think I like. What do ya'll think???

MYSPACE:

Subject: running back to you
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 12:32 AM

My thoughts always keep running back to you.

So i've been sitting here thinking for quite awhile. Haven't been able to think of a decent post since my last.  I can't decide what I want to do with my life right now.  I mean, I know what I am doing, but what do i want.  I'm withdrawing from school for the rest of the year, i'm going to work and hopefully get myself together.  And if i'm really lucky find a great girl to be with or develope something with one whose already in my life.  I want to be happy I really do, but all the time and not just in a few moments here and there.  My lease on my apartment is up in march, i haven't decided if i'm going or staying. And if I go, where to?  If i go, i'm going in secret, I won't tell anyone where, not even my family.  I need to get away by myself. But who knows, only time can tell. We'll know when the moment comes around.

I know i'm not going to school the rest of the year, but i think i've just given up on all my current classes, well I only had one left that I could survive in. I have a persuasive speech do. BUT I have no outline to go by, no speech, no topic. I don't know what I'd do it over.  I was told I can make it up on thursday, but I have nothing, not even an idea. Anyone want to write me a speech???  But yeah I could pass the class with that, but i've given up on my classes, i no long have any sort of will or motivation to go.  The only thing that makes me mad, is that i've wasted my mother's money.  But my response to it all, I never wanted to start this year anyways, BUT I decided I would try, and look where I am now..... exactly where I predicted I would be in the first place.

So I met this girl at the block party, and we had a date last monday. It went well, but i'm not sure what to think of it, shes cool, not really the type i normally go for. But shes gotten really attached already, and i haven't even done anything, like I mean the night we met, we hung out for maybe 5 minutes, and supposedly she couldn't stop talking about me the rest of the night (she told me herself).  It kind of freaks me out. And we we're talking about how i've been hurt and such, and she told me shes in for the long hall.  That kind of bothered me too. I mean its just that i've been hurt by alot of people lately.  And I really just don't want to jump into anything like that (the typical me), I want to well I just want to hang out with good people.  I don't really even want to date right now, thats how weird i feel right now.   I wish I could say its a case of someone holds my heart and I'm just waiting. Which was the case, but now i'm just afraid of putting my heart out there and watching it get crushed.  There are 2 people out there that could have me back at the snap of their fingers, but i know one doesn't want me and the other i don't think wants to committ. And there is one person out there that probably could have me, but nothing has developed in that area yet, but one day I can see it happening, I really could.

But for now, I am me and I just got home from work maybe 30 minutes ago, and I'm drinking a beer (well alcholic energy drink, they're fucking awesome) while writing this.  Hmm... what do I know right now? I know I wish my mom would tell me she loves me and is proud of me, I don't think i've ever heard her say it.  I know I want to spend time with my brothers. I know my dad cares but can't do much to show it.  I know i'm lonely as fuck and I hate going to bed by myself.  I know i have a lot of built up anger and frustration with no place to vent it.  I know i'm scared of myself sometimes.  I know people care but they themselves are scared of me, or they aren't a good enough of a friend to come to me but have to call and talk to someone who is a good enough friend to me.  Oh, I have one I don't know, why is it that people pretend they care but want me to come to them to talk and they can never come to me. I mean really is it too much of an effort to come to my apartment for once.  I know that I love my animals but I fear I will hurt them one day from taking my anger out on them and I fear they hate me and want to run away at any given chance.  Wow a long post, well sort of.

I just thought of something, I remember a night where I woke up to my answer machine going off at 3:30 in the morning.  I check the message and about that time i here something outside and open my door and something amazing is standing there. I wish that could happen again. 

Damn I love this drink that I'm drinking. 

Wish I could find my burt's bees chapstick that i just bought the other day. :(

I think i'm going to get up early and go home to my mom's.  Can't decide exactly what I'm going to do there, I think i'll go early do somethings and go sit at the dock at my brothers house by the lake.  Should I take the dog like normal though? Nah.. I don't think I will, I don't feel like hassling with him. Even though I know he'd love to play with my dogs back home.   Plus I have Draco and Orion both baths today, and I don't feel like Draco getting all smelly again.

I think this is the most random post i've ever had.  Meh.. oh well I don't care.  Anyways..... i can't decide what I want to do with life right now.  But for now, I'm sure i've wasted enough of ya'lls time. So i'm going to go and drink some more and pass out, well not really cause i don't have enough alcohol.  But I shall go for now. Hope ya'll are having a great week, cause mine has been getting a little better everyday, yay.  Ok Ok ADIOS!!!!!

 

SWEET!!!!! I just found my chapstick, YAY!!!!! It was in my sweatshirt. I'm excited.

Comments:

Sara B: And on that note..I really love you. <3<3<3

Taylor Jade: Well, I'm only 16, but I do know what you are talking about. I've been having touble with life. I don't seem to understand why Im always the one getting hurt in the end. I don't think there is much for me to say to help you because, I am less-experienced to life. But all I do know is that, there is that one special person out there, and that life will fall back into place someday

Pinner: everything will fall into place. it's amazing when it happens!

Amber: Dude, I totally feel ur pain but promise it gets better and at least now you have time to think and find work and really u gotta love u before others can and im not there yet either but im workin on it. havent been able to chill w ya much bcuz of wk and school but i do like seeing updated photos and blogs, things can only go up from here!

Mayra: Hey Erin, I just want to say I totally empathize with you when it comes to classes and feeling like you are "wasting your mother's money". As I was reading I saw my own situation last year. I think it's a great idea that you are planning on take time off, sometimes that's what we need to come back stronger and better. *hugs*
That thing with the girl at the block party sounds a bit... odd heh. Too fast, yeah. How do you meet girls at those kinda events anyways haha, I think you might have to share some of your secrets with me. This post of yours reminded me why I was able to relate to yah way back when we met. I still remember what you did for me when I needed someone, I don't think I'll ever forget. I wish I saw or talked more to yah. If you do end up gonig away somewhere, try Massachusetts, high quality girls live there... if you find one there, maybe I could meet some of her friends.. haha
*sends you all her positive feelings*
~Mayra

Tori: wow that was the longest blog i have ever read. reading that kinda made me depressed.lol well im glad ur week is getting better, if u lived near hear i would make ur week ALOT better!! lol ttyl bye babe ~tori

Sara B: NOO!! im running away with her.

Leslie: Oh lord! Hee hee, you feeling lucky to develop something with a girl. A girl is the last thing you need right now! Haven't you learned by now that girls cause problems and unwanted stress! And they cost money. They take up time. They are moody. Yes, yes they are a problem. But.... we love them and we hate them, but we couldn't live without them. I've never had an alcoholic energy drink? Any good? I think that a lot of the thoughts you are having about not knowing what to do with your life or where it is going and what not happens to a lot of people our age. I know that has been crossing my mind a lot lately especially with the fact that I graduated and now I can't find a job. It's kinda weird. But I think we will figure it out soon enough. Don't stress out too much. Oh and if you run away somewhere cool please tell me so I can visit! Are we allowed to give suggestions? I suggest Hawaii please or some exotic beach place. That's where I want you to move to. And then me come visit. Ok me run away too.

Steph: Happy to hear that the week is slowly getting better for you! That was random but aren't most things at about 4am anyway? lol Draco is cute. Sweetie you are still very young, things will start to fall into place & you'll find more & more what you want as well as where you wanna be! Just try not to think so much and see what happens. Things can get really fucking frustrating but you gotta let it roll off yer back and go with it. I know it sucks but that's life. Life sucks but it always gets better somehow with a little time. :o) yer a kewl kat tiny!

MYSPACE:

Subject: fuckfuckfuck
Posted Date: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 - 7:04 PM

This is to all you assholes out there that think its fun to fuck with my head. And who don't think about what may result as a consequence of their actions. Fuck you and what you do. 

Want an example of one of those results? Well here you go.

Who knows, maybe next time it'll be a little too deep. And never think someone is emotionally stable, cause they're probably the ones that can hide the truth the best. And you'll never know that they might do this....

Point of this post, you might never know how your affecting others, until one day, it'll be too late.  Sadly for some, they could disappear forever, and you would never know. 

So just a suggestion, be careful in the way that you treat people, you could either save someone's life...... or end it!!

To those who are curious. the main pic of my wrist was done sunday. the next one (on the left) of my leg, was from back in the spring sometime, during my last relapse. and the last pic (on the right) is of my arm from 2 weeks ago. Meh... people seem to care enough to write and call other friends to see if i'm ok or if they've spoken to me. i was told that people are scared of me. go figure. nah... i understand, they don't know what to say and are afraid if they say the wrong thing it'll make things worse. perhaps someday i'll understand myself. but for now i just do what i feel. not sure what else to say. feel free to write or leave a message, adios.

Comments:

Git R' Done: Its not worth ending ur life, for anyone!!! You need to stop living for other people and start living for yourself... Don't let anyone dictate how your going to live your life, only you can make that choice! Its about moving on, being happy, and living life the way you want to live it! Live, Love, Laugh!

Kris: I LOVE YOU!!!! Thank you for being open and honest, most people wouldn't.... you are a strong person you just need to find it... i'm here with open arms and an open heart for you... i hope you know that you can lean on me whenever you need to...

Leslie: Hmmmmm..... I am really not scared of you. I hate to say it, buuuuuut I am not. If you ever need to talk you know I am here. And you know how to get ahold of me. I won't tell you not to do something. I will just listen. If you need an ear, I'll lend you mine. But ummmm.... please give it back when you are done. I would look pretty funny with just one ear.

Becky: erin that makes me sad!!! that breaks my heart, i hate to see that, if you ever need talk.....instead of taking that sharp object to your body, give me a call and i will lisen, no matter weather its 545 in the mornin. I can't say i go throug the same things but i could probley give you some good advise.

Jodie Sullivan: Erin Jones!!!!! Don't make me drive up there... Seriously sweetie, please don't do that. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is worth that ( trust me I know). If you ever need anything let me know.. Even if it is just to talk. You're in my thoughts and prayers babe! Jodie

Martin: oh sweetie, don't do that...i use to do that and u learn that no one is worth that. anyone who makes u feel bad isn't worth cutting yourself over. it does no good.

Tiffany: Erin! what the hell are you doin! thats is crazy! u need to talk to me cause i dont like you doin that!! you got it!! take it easy please! love ya tiff

Jessica: You are loved. People who make you feel this way aren't usually worth feeling any way about in the first place. Put yourself first, I know its hard. But know YOU ARE LOVED.

Amie: we need to talk

Sara B: IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS. Erin dont be fucking stupid and do that shit. You fucking know better. God..just be my wife already I swear I would never hurt you! heh. I love you best friend!! Sara

Kris: Erin I love you!!!! if you ever need me for what ever reason call me... IM me and i'll give you my number baby.... I'm sorry for ev1 that has ever fucked with you... baby your in my heart and I consider you one of my friends... you call me... i love you... hey i'm have a get to gether you should come... I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

MYSPACE:

Subject: Dear Happiness
Posted Date: Sunday, October 30, 2005 - 6:19 PM

Dear Happiness, this song is for you.

Sincerely,

Erin

MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Where Are You Now?"

Maybe I'd be better on my own
No one ever seems to understand me
It's easier for me to be alone
But there's still a piece of me that feels so empty
I've been all over the world
I've seen a million different places
But through the crowds and all the faces
I'm still out there looking for you.

[Chorus:]
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait forever?

I write about the things I'll never know
And I can't find a moment just to slow down
It makes me think I'll never have the chance
To figure out what it's all about
So tell me what it's all about.

[Chorus]

Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
And I still don't know
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait forever?

MYSPACE:

Subject: pimpin' ain't EASY
Posted Date: Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 7:03 PM

So my best friend Sara always tells me that I'm a pimp, and of course I always deny it and tell her that shes silly.  But now I have so many people telling me that, its ridiculous.  Seriously I mention this now cause last night one of my soccer girls, Deborah, was telling me this cause she saw my comments and such on here, on myspace.  Meh... I'm not a pimp, if I were a pimp I'd have a dating life or actually hang out with more of these people offline. 

BUT..... what do ya'll think? Am I a pimp? And ya have to tell me why you think so.

Yay for my poofy ass hair, this is the way it looks when all of my hair gel has been rubbed out.

My little man Draco, lllllooooovvvvveeeesssss his Teddy!!! Its so fucking cute.

And my 1st little man Orion, he's hot stuff!!!

Those are the only men in my life, and I adore the hell out of them!! They're the best cuddle buddies ever.

If I loved myself, would I feel the way I do now??

MYSPACE:

Subject: i've become....
Posted Date: Saturday, October 22, 2005 - 6:37 PM

I've become tired and weary.  This time and place is exhausting me.  I just want to hop on the next flight out of here and fly far far away, off to never neverland perhaps. I'm not sure what this post is about really, i just wrote what came to mind. I am very tired of being here, I wouldn't mind getting away for awhile. But thats impossible with school and soccer, even though i haven't been going to either lately. Hell last week I barely made it out of bed much less my apartment. I've been oh so emo lately, and had my average 6 month relapse.  Ever since I cut my hair things have been different, better. Suppose its cause i've been getting more attention, compared to none.

Did any of you know that i write poetry? Anyone actually read any of it? I was just thinking that i haven't written a poem in a few weeks. 

Damn I'm in a very big cuddling mood right now. But my fav. person to cuddle with I never see anymore and rarely get to talk to her (but that factor is getting better). And the other person is hardly ever sober when we do cuddle. I've discovered the last few times i've had a date, which is like very very rare, that the girls end up using me. And I fucking hate it.  I am not here to be your your personal makeout buddy for a few hours or a one night stand.  Argghhh.... dammit I hate girls sometimes.  But I still fucking love them.  Is it that much to ask for you not to use me? 

Anyways, i need a cute girl in my life.  Someone to come home to at the end of a day, to see them and feel my heart flutter a little. 

Today before the walk for farm animals thingy.

What?!? Its not that bad is it?

This morning after i took a shower and before I fixed my hair. It looks pretty good down.

When this girl smiles she makes my heart melt.

So ok thats all for now, this has been a semi-random post.  I'm ready for my life to really start, anyone want to help me make a new beginning? Ok i'm gone, laters.

Comments:

Jennifer Phillips: I like all your new pictures.. The second one down though would have to be my favorite...totally fucking cute. :) anyways... i read your poetry when you write any or better yet when you actually post it. And i agree keep your head up a great girl will come along when you least expect it. gimme a call sometime. later Jennifer

Alicia: Keep your head up.. The right girl will come along when you least expect it... The world is full of a lot of different women thats for sure and for some reason the good ones that deserve the best always end up with the bad girls or end up getting used... It really sucks!! And I totally feel ya on this blog!!! Just keep your chin up and Like I always say "Keep smiling because you never know who might be admiring you" BTW I really dig your hair when its down(or should i say after you get out of the shower)...

Sara B: you are adorable. I love spending time with you. I think I drolled on your coutch. You will find who you are looking for I am sure. I am glad my smile melts your heart. Though my noes could take someone out..its not ALWAYS that big..heh. I love you babe! sara

MYSPACE:

Subject: my new hair cut
Posted Date: Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 10:18 PM

So I got my hair cut today, I freaking love it, finally gave in to figuring out how to post pics in here, so here ya go, feel free to comment.  I love comments. And I love my hair, alot.

I'm such a picture whore!!!

Commments:

Michelle Sensory: Yeah!!!! YOU ARE A DAMN CAMERA WHORE!!!! heheh j.k
ahha soo one thing about those little faces are i get overly excited when i get to add as many as i want. hehhe...but the hair doooeesss loookk good. member we should get you to ppoke the gurls on the other team. it'll be oober fun! yea whooo hoooooo...btw, greeen is my favorite color. lol have a goooodddd day.

Sara B:I adore your hair. Way to be diffrent! I would have never expected this out of you darling! shockign..but cool for sure! I have new photos too
<3 sara

Snook: Erin, Love your hair cut... it reminds me of someone elses.... MINE!!! That's cool I know that you want to be me. =)

Holly: It's awesome!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Jennifer Phillips:AH!! Erin you are crazy! I love it. It's hella cute :)~AWESOME

MYSPACE:

Subject: in the car
Posted Date: Wednesday, October 19, 2005 - 10:28 PM

So I heard this song in the car today when i was going to get food, it struck a familiar chord in my heart.

UNCLE KRACKER:
"In A Little While"

Here's to the good life or so they say
All those parties and games that all those people play
They tell me this is the place to be
All these beautiful people and nothin' to see

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

[CHORUS]

In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you
In a little while I'll still be here without you
You never gave me a reason to doubt you
In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you baby...I'll be thinkin' about you baby

On the other side of a coin
There's a face there's a memory somewhere that I can't erase
And there's a place that I find someday
But sometimes I feel like it's slippin' away

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Some things are lost some left behind
Some things are better left for someone else to find
Maybe in time I can finally see
I just wonder, wonder if you think about me

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

MYSPACE:

Subject: just thinking
Posted Date: Monday, October 17, 2005 - 10:26 PM

Yes, yes I do think people. Haha just playing. But no I need to hang out with people.  Some people outside my normal circle.  Anyone up for it???

I love girls they're great. Even though they drive me bonkers sometimes.

MYSPACE:

Subject: i mean, really
Posted Date: Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 12:11 PM

I keep fucking shit up.  Damn me and the way that I am.  I'm really pissed at myself at the moment.

MYSPACE:

Subject: speed
Posted Date: Tuesday, October 11, 2005 - 6:12 PM
No I'm not on speed, but kinda wish I was.  I spent 5 hours last night doing homework, I barely got 2 outlines done.  And today I was in the library at school from 9:30 a.m. till 4:00, and I barely got a cover page and an abstract done for my research paper.  Its due tomorrow.  And I still have to study for a test in the same class.  This shit is kicking my ass. I'm so tired of having to take energy pills and and drinking energy drinks just to make it to school in the morning and to stay awake atleast a little in my classes.  Fucking sleep aponea, it makes my life hell.  All the energy pills are so unhealthy for me, and it doesn't help that I keep getting heat exhaustion really bad every game, and most practices (throwing up is not fun might I add).  I feel like I have a fucking eating disorder cause not only am I taking diet pills (energy pills, whatever) but I hardly have time to eat or I don't remember to eat, but half the time when I do eat I get so dehydrated I throw up my meal.  I really am just tired right now, I don't feel good at all.  But can't go to sleep cause i have to finish my damn paper and study.  Oh yeah, and maybe get a little sleep, since i have a game and all tomorrow too.  I'm nervous about it, not about the game, but that I'm going to not have any energy and that i'm going to get sick again.  My health has been going downhill quickly the last few weeks.  But anyways, I felt the need to share.  Now i'm off to sit at my dining room table and stare off into space for awhile, cause i have to functioning brain cells left.  Call my cell if ya need me.  Laters.

If homosexuality is a desease, lets all call in queer to work. Hello..can't work today...still queer

I read this quote today "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about," Perhaps thats why i haven't given up on her, cause it seems no matter what shes in my head. But she doesn't know that, in fact, she probably never will.

You ran away so fast, I couldn't catch up.

MYSPACE:

Subject: what do you believe?
Posted Date: Friday, October 07, 2005 - 8:30 PM

So my question is what do you believe. I believe that if you want some so whole-heartedly that it can and will happen at some point.  I've had a lot of very coincidental occurances lately.  Everyday I drive to and from school and if i go hang out with someone, I drive down the same road. I kept wondering out Jay and Oneil were doing, cause i hadn't hung out with them since I quit Lonestar Park.  Then one day i stopped and McDonald's and there they are eating inside, so I parked and went inside to see them. 

Lets see, half way through 5th grade until now, thats what, 9 years.  My best friend Stephan moved, the person that was supposed to give me his new address never did, so I lost contact with him completely. All these years I've thought about him, wondered where he ended up and all that.  Now being the internet whore that I am, I'd looked him up on yahoo and hotmail, he didn't have anything on those.  Then for some reason I got to thinking about him today, and decided to look him up on here, on myspace.  And what do I find, his profile.  So I IMed him, and we talked tonight.  I can't explain how good of a mood that i'm in.  I honestly never thought I'd see or speak to him again.  But in my heart there was that hope, and it finally happened.  Its a very cool feeling. 

So what do ya think? I think that if you're patient and keep hope, that eventually some sort of opportunity will arise, and then all you'll have to do is choose to sieze it or not. 

Random post, but i'm in a good mood, I really still am shocked that I found him by such a small chance.  Now my theory is confirmed, everyone really is on myspace.  Its addictive.  Thats all for now, laters.

Susan:

Patience really is a virtue. I think that hoping for something "real" is an act most people don't understand. These rare few that actually find something worth waiting and wishing for, well, these are the fortunate ones. And by "real" I mean those chance oppurtunites or dreams that tend to be the most simplistic. Not fame or fortune, these superficial hopes are selfish and unworthy. I believe that wanting something so badly that you are willing to wait and keep faith, they are the times that we really should live for. The time between the wish and the reality is when we truly learn that things are worth the long lived anticipation and we actually appreciate and see what we have been given. Seizing the moment is what it's all about.

MYSPACE:

Subject: song in my heart
Posted Date: Thursday, October 06, 2005 - 11:56 PM

this song has several different meanings to me.  but only I have that knowledge.  I hear it in my ears and in my heart, bringing back memories.

JEWEL:
"You Were Meant For Me"

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause
Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

MYSPACE:

Subject: lacking
Posted Date: Thursday, October 06, 2005 - 3:19 PM
I feel like i'm lacking some in this little life of mine. Can you tell me what it is??

MYSPACE:

Subject: who are you?
Posted Date: Tuesday, October 04, 2005 - 8:38 AM
So I really don't know half the people on my buddy list, it sorta bothers me in a way. Although I must admit, I do check everyone pages, especially when they add new pics and I even keep checking the ones that I know never update a damn thing. I'm addicted I suppose.  But seriously those of you who are on my list..... who are you? why'd ya add me? do I know you and how? Just curious.  Laters.

Jessica:That is an interesting blog.  Who am I?  I am Jessica Bertke.  You met me at buddies II but it turns out I was living with people you went to school with.  I added you because you are my friend and your hot.  Anything else I missed? 

Sara:

I am Sara only the coolest girl ever. We met when out friends ditched us at the block party last year. Then we became really good friends!

Well I added you becuase I thought you were cute. (at first) .. just bein honest lol

Alicia: I am Alicia. I met you at buddies one night and you were sick we chatted for a bit and I gave you a hard time about remembering my name(because we have chatted a few times before that)... But finally you got the hang of it lol... I added you because I thought you had a cute smile 

Snook: Erin, You just need to accept that you are an internet whore... just like me.  I hope that you know who I am.  I'm glad that I know you ...

Jodie: You better know who I am.....Besides, you added me, so i'm sure you remember where we met! Anyways, judging from all the comments before mine, you are quite the player!! Haha Erin's a pimp!!! Good for you! I'm so proud!

MYSPACE:

Subject: Fruity Pebbles
Posted Date: Monday, September 26, 2005 - 3:38 PM

I'm just chilling here eating fruity pebbles, haven't had them in years, they're very yummy. I'm uber tired today, had class at 8 and 10 then practice, and it was so f'ing hot today. But its all good I suppose. I had a blast last night at the Melissa Ferrick concert, shes amazing. And so are Natalia and Lorena.  I really did have a good time, i can't help but be mesmerized by beautiful women who sing and play the guitar.  But came home and slept on my closet floor for the 2nd night in a row, lol don't ask.  Just know i'm weird like that. 

So let me think..... PRIDE.  Did anyone see me there? I know a few did. I was working of course, but got to be in the parade because of it, I was on the 7th float, for Buddies.  Then worked all night, and ended up getting screwed out of like $60, glad it was my last day.  Just frustrates me cause when the other barbacks got sick, and i had to cover their asses, i didn't complain i just did it, cause it was my job.  The only thing I expected was to get recognized for it, ya know some form of appreciation or acknowledgment that i helped them.  But nope nothing from them or my managers, and in the end my managers gave the other barbacks more money.  And FYI don't talk about it when you know i'm right outside the door, i'm not deaf.  BUT anyways, one of the bartenders and the boss's personal asst. (kind of a manager i guess) thanked me for what i did. So it was good enough i guess. I had a blast that day, worked my ass off, literally sprinting between the bars.  And half the night i was just in my sports bra and shorts. Oh and for awhile just a towel and my undies cause they threw me in the pool. It was fun, lots of friends were there.  LMAO and some passed out in a chair, no names mentioned. I really wish i could have jumped off the parade and hung out with people.  So i ended up having fun, being tired as hell, short on money, and left with a hell of a sunburn (like i'm talking 3rd degree burn on my tummy), oh and had a allergic reaction with my medicine from being out in the sun all day (and for gayday and 6 flags) its not a perty sight (lol its not that bad just my arms and a little on my neck have tons of spots that look like tiny bruises, its weird). And i'm sure ya'll so wanted to know that.

So have i mentioned that I'm playing soccer this year, I wasn't going to, but my team got me to come back.  Friday was my 4th game back i think, it was cool cause basically my whole family was there, mom-dad-both brothers, and thes step-dad, and of course Sara and Jen, and my puppy Draco.  It was nice to have them all there.  Alot of people from my gay crowd said they were going to come, but they never showed :( meh... can't depend on some people from the bar i suppose, but some of my friend from there were working i know.  Lol so whoever didn't come, has to make it up to me. Next home game is October 8th, its a saturday, at 1 p.m. Better be there, lol.

Hmm.... well i think thats it, i think i'm going to go veg out in front of the tv for a bit before i have to study for my test tomorrow.  Yay for me.  Hope ya'll have a good night.  Laters

I noticed today, that someone from her school read my blogger, perhaps her? Little does she know that truely miss her and wish i hadn't been a fuck up. Meh... i made the decision, no sense in regretting it. Besides we've both moved on, but that doesn't mean i can't miss her, right??

MYSPACE:

Subject: .......
Posted Date: Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 11:49 PM
i miss you

*~*~Wishes~*~*

Do you ever wish you could just share yourself with the world, I mean every little detail, just every part of who you are. I want to do this every day. I wish I could just lay it all down and be like look here it all is, here are the blueprints of who I am. I just want to flow with my environment rather than having to protect myself or hide who I really am from everyone. It is no way to live. Since I've been back to school i've caught myself, shielding who I am in some sort of way to prevent who I'm talking to from feeling awkward or something. Like I forget hey I'm not at the bar where I'm around a ton of gay people, these people at school I don't have any idea about how they'd react to things I'd normally say. I keep almost slipping, and I'm like whoops my bad, can't say that. Like the simplest of things like me saying a girl is cute. I can't say that around most straight people. And even those few who I know are gay or bi or whatever, I still don't feel comfortable enough talking about things with them. Like its not my place. Suppose its just cause i'm not used to them. School and soccer brings up old feelings for me. Mostly, insecurity. I know who I am and I love who I am, but who I am is not accepted my most of society. Its sad that in a free country I can be afraid of my own friends, family, and neighbors. People can turn on you amazingly quick. I can't tell you how many times I've felt my heart break because of someone I loved. I fear that feeling.

MYSPACE:

Subject: this is sad.
Posted Date: Sunday, September 11, 2005 - 2:09 PM

Haha so i finally gave in to doing this.  And I could of told you right off the bat that I didn't have a life. 

Supposedly if you've seen over 70, you have no life. Number the ones you've seen.

() Rocky Horror Picture Show
(1) Grease
(2) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Boondock Saints
(3) The Mexican
(4) Fight Club
(5) Starsky and Hutch
(6) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddle
() Airplane
() The Princess Bride
() Young Frankenstien
() AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(7) Napoleon Dynamite
(8) Saw
() White Noise
() White Oleander
(9) Anger Management
(10) 50 First Dates
() Jason X
(11) Scream
(12) Scream 2
(13) Scream 3
(14) Scary Movie
(15) Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
(16) American Pie
(17) American pie 2
(18) American Wedding
(19)Harry Potter
() Harry Potter 2
() Harry Potter 3
() Resident Evil I
() Resident Evil 2
(20)The Wedding Singer
(21)Little Black Book
()The Village
()Donnie Darko
(22) Lilo & Stitch
(23) Finding Nemo
(24) Finding Neverland
() 13 Ghosts
(25) Signs
() The Grinch
(26) Texas Chainsaw Massacre(original)
() White Chicks
(27) Butterfly Effect
(28) Thirteen Going on 30
(29) I, Robot
(30) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(31) Universal Soldier
() A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(32) Deep Impact
(33) KingPin
(34) Never Been Kissed
(35) Meet The Parents
(36) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() A Cinderella Story
() the Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(37) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumb & Dumberer
(38) Final Destination
(39) Final Destination 2
() Halloween
() The Ring
() The Ring 2
(40)Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(41) Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
(42) Secret Window
(43) I Am Sam
(44) The Whole Nine Yards
(45) The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Bride of Chucky
(46) Ten Things I Hate About You
(47) Just Married
(48) Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
() Sixteen Candles
() Coach Carter
(49) Bad Boys
(50) Bad Boys 2
(51) Joy Ride
(52) Seven
(53) Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(54) Identity
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
(54) Predator I
(55) Predator II
(56) Independence Day
() Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(57) ET
() Children of the Corn
(58) My Boss' daughter
(59) Maid in Manhattan
(60) Frailty
() Best Bet
(61) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(62) She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(63) Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(64) Ever After
(65) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(66) X-men
(67) X-2
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(68) Catch Me If You Can
() The Others
(69) Freaky Friday(original)
() Reign of Fire
(70) Cruel Intentions
(71) The Hot Chick
(72) Swimfan
() Miracle
(73) Old School
() Ray
(74) The Notebook
(75) K-Pax
() Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
() Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
() Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(76) A Walk to Remember
() Boogeyman
(77) Hitch
(78) The Fifth Element
() Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
() Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
() Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
() Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
() Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
() Troop Beverly Hills
() Swimming with Sharks
(79) Air Force One
(80) For Richer or Poorer
(81) Trainspotting
() People Under the Stairs
() Blue Velvet
() Sound of Music
(82) Parent Trap (old version)
(83) Parent Trap (lindsey lohan version)
() The Burbs
(84) The Terminator
(85) Empire Records
(86) Interview with the Vampire
() SLC Punk
(87) Meet Joe Black
(88) Nightmare Before Christmas
() The Silence of the Lambs
(89) Sleepy Hollow
() I Heart Huckabees
() 24 Hour Party People
() Labyrinth
() The Black Cauldron
(90) Kill Bill Volume One
(91) Kill Bill Volume Two

MYSPACE:

Subject: drunkeness
Posted Date: Saturday, September 10, 2005 - 6:18 AM
I really shouldn't hit on people i like when i'm drunk, i think i make an ass of myself!! Damn soco and coke ='s Erin is really drunk still and i have practice in a couple of minutes. Yay, funfun, i'm probably going to throw up.. Laters.

MYSPACE:

Subject: just one question
Posted Date: Thursday, September 08, 2005 - 6:15 PM
Anyone want to come over and cuddle with me?