Heres to you, heres to me....... and what we never were
Current mood: uncomfortable


First off, this is towards one person and one person only.

Love is a finicky thing. I don't believe we choose who to fall in or out of love with. Love does that for us. The moments and choices we make and take are major factors of what makes our love grow or die. We all know how well we can pretend and hide the truth from the world. Its easy to pretend. What seems perfect on the outside can quite literally be hell on the inside. Things do change, people change, feelings change. One of the last things I stated to you is why put off the inevitable. Days later I realized how much it was true. Why does it seem to be human natrure that when things are bad we have to do something that makes it so much worse? God how I had so much respect for you and for her, that i'd never cross that line. I was proud of myself for keeping that promise.

As much as we communicated through songs, the lyrics are just hollow now, empty yet so damn tortourous.

I took the time to realize.

You weren't going to leave, you still aren't, not anytime soon. You're trapped as you said. You're not, you're just not strong enough yet, but the things you've done and probably are still doing are just making you weaker in one way or another. Every time we fought before you'd say that I hated you, I never did. I still don't hate you. I'm very spiteful towards you now, i've figured that out over the last week.

Highly disappointed in you. I lost all respect for you, something I didn't think was possible. You're playing the game and you don't realize how it affects other people. You don't understand why I feel the way I do, cause your actions caused flashbacks, tearing open wounds that were still freshly stiched, pressing that knife a little closer to the bone. Countless times have I watched it happen, to me. I've watched the same people play others and not give a shit, never have I watched it and known whose on the other side of it. You see I have my own secrets to bare, I don't need this one. Part of me thinks that shes already done the same thing you've just done, but the other part still knows full well that the truth will destroy her. When someone does the complete unexpected, someone who you always end up saying no, no way I never thought she'd do something like that, that type of feeling blows you out of the water.

I still hope you're so fucking numb, I'm sure you are. I've done some stupid shit before and I guess maybe i've learned from it, learned from other people. But seriously just cause your confused, what sense does it make to fuck things up even worse. Obviously if you're not happy and you cross certain lines then you shouldn't be with the person your with.

If you think you're numb now, keep playing the game your playing, it'll only get worse. I've seen it so many times, theres a reason I used to go out by myself, no one to need my attention, and I could just watch and observe people. They play, seem like they're hot shit, but watch them walk away and you can see the emptiness in their eyes. Just like i've seen the sadness in your eyes for so long.

You've said that after her, you won't be with anyone seriously for a long time. Heres my assumption of the day, its already looking that you're going to jump into a relationship as soon as you leave this one. Why is it is so hard to wait? Cause we are impatient people, misery loves company, lust is an illusion of love, rebounds are set up to fail.

You see there are things I want to tell, but i'm afraid to, cause I know the person I want to tell will in fact hate me forever, I betrayed her before, I followed my heart into a situation I shouldn't have. Had feelings I shouldn't have voiced, but atleast I know that I never helped you cheat. I am so fucking angry, so angry, cause I feel ashamed, cause it should have been me. But I had chosen awhile before to go in a different direction. Cause holding on was so destructive, especially when you had so much to figure out. I left you alone, the right thing to do. I'm even more angry, cause I trusted you, I've lost that trust now, and ironically all I can think is that you played me. All those pretty lines, funny thing is, you delete them from everything, I don't. Play the game, lets see how many times you reuse the same lines. you'd be surpised.

A real friend would have never put me in that situation, you really knew me you would have known why you shouldn't have put me in that position.

"I'm finding that holding on is harder than never leaving

You left a mark you left a mark
She left a mark he left
She left he left
And I don't I don't
Need it.

Feel till you're numb
Depth perception becoming
The new deaf & dumb

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces"


It always sucks losing a friend. Especially to situations like this, but i'm not ok with it, and I won't be a part of it. I'm never going to tell you that its ok or ever going to be ok. I can tell you things will get worse, things are going to blow up in your face. Which hurts worse falling out of love and pretending its still there or having to lie about the bad decisions you've made.

Alcoholics, drug-addicts, etc. etc. do what they do to escape their reality, reality is painful, but I'd rather go through the pain now than prolong it and have it intensify. As much as I'd love to talk to you, I can't get wrapped up in this stuff again. I don't think I could look at you the same again, actually I know I can't.

I have no regrets, I do forgive, but I remember.



Love Always,

----your Jacket



"I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I'm with you and everything's all right if only for tonight"


P.S. lol and no i'm not actually drinking right now, but you get the point.


COMMENTS:

CHRISTY: speakin of lyrics... here's some i like...

"i'm gonna smile, so you can find the courage.
laugh, so you wont see me hurtin.
i'm gonna let you go in style...
and even if it kills me, i'm gonna smile."
~lonestar - i'm gonna smile

sorry to hear that things have been hard, but you seem like you get it. there's a difference between loving someone and that same someone being good as a part of your life. you seem like a caring person... gotta care for yourself too! :)

hope things are going ok.

LACY: I could say so much here.
But...I wont.

Glad you are able to write all of this out.

Hang in there.
(I know this is an old blog...but still..)

Life as it is................ or was
Current mood: disappointed


Life as of lately, time is just mainstream and redundant. Do what we do just to make the days pass by. Subtracting them as if theres some grand total at the end, as if saying two wrongs make a right. The more you subtract the quicker you'll be in the negative. Counting down the days, till what? There is no special event planned in my honor, so what am I vying the time for. I am at a standstill once again, not even stuck at a cross-road, I'm just stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They say you have to know where you're going in order to go there. To plan how to get there, atleast to take the steps in the right direction. Fact of the matter is, I still don't know where I want to be in the long run and that scares the hell out of me.

I wish I could say I was at a job that I loved, I'm not. I'm bored, I don't like doing the same things over and over again everyday, I need challenges. I like to be busy. I like where I'm at I just want more from it. I think I'd be perfect as an assistant manager, already put in the application for it, but I've been set back by different events. How can you really control someone quitting or being gone for awhile because of surgery, new people starting, transferring, etc. etc. They say good things come to those who wait. Perhaps that's my issue, I'm tired of waiting.

I have nothing really going for me right now. I do but I don't. I didn't want to move home, for good reasons. Old patterns have returned, and some new ones to add to the list. The repetitiveness of work and come home, work, home, work, home. My mind has become dull, and if you haven't noticed my eyes have lost their luster. How many times have you asked or thought whats wrong with Erin? How many times have to looked into my eyes and seen sadness, spoken to me and saw that I didn't hear. Not in one ear and out the other, but simply like talking to a brick wall, words don't bounce off, they just hit with a thud. I'm not all here anymore or anywhere in particular. My depression has been coming back, sporadically at first, but fairly constant now. On average I have one good day out of the week, meaning a happy day. Otherwise I just feel like I'm in the fog all day long and its been awhile since I've felt that way. When I mention new habits, I mean the drinking. Its scary to think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I've told this to a few people. But I've also had a few moments or nights where I wanted to relapse, last night being one of them. Relapse in reference to me, is with my cutting. I haven't done it in over a year. Those urges have been coming back.

In the last 2 weeks, I've made an ass of myself about 4 times, twice from going to work after leaving chilli's after I drank a lot, when I went to Dallas and got plastered and last night. I've never been an emotional drunk or angry drunk, when I've been up to work I was just goofy and talked on for forever simply cause they didn't tell me to shut up or go home, they weren't necessarily listening but that was ok. The other 2 nights I cried on the way home. When I've been up at work, I say its cause I'd rather look stupid than try to drive home. Truth be told I didn't want to go home, I don't like going home alone, to an empty house. Its not empty of course, my mom, step-dad and brother are here.

Point being, my life as it was, is still very real and not in the past at all. I don't want to be here, it feels so surreal and empty. There are a lot of good people and bad people. I still wonder why no one ever steps up and flat out confronts me about stuff. Why must we all keep playing this damn game, trying to pretend that things aren't going on. Trying to pretend that something isn't wrong. Here I am flat out saying, something is wrong, I'm not ok at all. But theres nothing I can do about it. I'm relying so much on this promotion, I can't even begin to explain how let down I'll be if I don't get it. Its so hard having people ask me about it, people from work and outside of work. Cause I'm just like I don't know, its still in the process, haven't been told no yet. Fucking hate being in limbo. Makes me think of being stuck in jello for some reason, you're just there like a little display and you can't move anywhere. Then people come along and flick it and your whole world just gets toss around, only to come back to where you were before. Its one more game of what if. The "what ifs" are the most torturous part.

Two months from now exactly I'll be 22, and nothing really to show for it. I've said I wish I spent that wasted time partying and the typical crap most kids do. But that wasn't my situation, for me I sum it up with -------- life happened. If you don't know that story then it's a story for another time. I need something to happen, I need a change, I'm getting to antsy, I'm becoming very dull inside. Not to mention all the crap I have to deal with from my past, don't think I've mentioned that I'm now $43,000 in debt roughly. And I've never owned a credit card, essentially this debt came from having too big of a heart. Like I said before, if you don't know that story, it's a story for another time. Are you getting the emphasis of how bad I need that promotion and a change? Although I am in the process of most likely filing for bankruptcy at 21, or well by the time it happens 22. Isn't that one special. Just one more thing to add to the list of shit that's eating me up inside.

So onto something else. Having learned a lot from previous relationships and friendships, I've gotten stronger as a person. I've very co-dependent. I've caught myself getting sucked into things like I used to, but amaze myself when finding I have the courage to stay out of it. I have done a lot of crappy things, I can't change that. Its weird when it happens, you're treated a certain way, then you treat the next person you're with the same way you were treated before. As if wanting to inflict your pain on someone else, make someone else feel what you felt. A subconscious fact. Or we keep falling for the same type of person, whatever that maybe, even though we know I'm just going to be miserable in the end, this person will hurt me. But we do it anyways, a conscious fact. Both of which can actually be conscious or subconscious, both tend to be habitual. I am speaking for myself, not necessarily anyone else.

I can't keep going through the same cycles I once went through. Those situations are killing me, either from my decisions or from others. Do you ever stop and really think how your actions affect someone else. It may have nothing to do with them, but you expect them to keep your secret. I have too many fucking secrets of my own to deal with, I don't need yours. Besides the way that I see it, a real friend wouldn't put me in the position to have to keep a secret. I apologize to anyone I ever put through that, the sneaking around, walking on eggshells, pretending you know nothing, lying. I'm sorry if I ever asked you too or made you feel compelled to do any of that. For example, I knew how much is destroyed me to be cheated on in front of my face and behind my back, I knew how it felt to have strangers tell me things, and having friends lie to my face. I never really saw from the standpoint of these other people. A real friend wouldn't put me through the exact type of situations I was in before, if you really knew me, you would know how many wounds your actions just tore open.

If you're keeping a secret cause you're trying to protect them, your really only doing more damage. Those that have a moral debate in their head and is puts them in a bind, are good people. Those who just go along with it and push you to continue your actions, are those who really don't give a fuck, and in a lot of cases its cause those same people do the exact same thing. Heres a statement for you, you fuck around with people, but when you go home that night, you're still just as empty. I've seen you do it, and I see you from across the club, and I see the emptiness and sadness in your eyes. Quit pretending you're not miserable, cause all the games you keep playing only keep hurting people. I don't need to carry your burden on my shoulders and neither does anyone else. Just cause you're confused doesn't give you an excuse to play with people's hearts. A lot said, but it applies to a few people in general, not anyone directly.

Except for this one, heres to you and me and the friendship that no longer exists. It's amazing how much we don't think through things and what we're willing to sacrifice.

I've burned quite a few bridges in the past, broke many hearts, I'm not innocent, but I learned from my mistakes and from others. Certain things I don't want to relive, I hope you can understand that.



RASCAL FLATTS:
"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big


COMMENTS:

SARAH WIITA: < /3

JENNIFER: wow. the way you pour your heart out, never fails to amaze me erin.
you know i will always be here, if you ever need anything at all.
jenn