~~So... Holidays Suck~~
Gee to I seem negative. I can't help it, I really do hate holidays. Or well family holidays atleast. Its just a lame excuse for the family to get to get once or twice a year. Hmm... lets see one side of the family (my dad's), don't ever come down at the same time, in order to avoid the others (my uncle Terry, avoiding everyone), and my cousins who have nothing in common with me and just see me as a tag along. And on the other side of the family (my mom's) we have everyone who loves and cares for each other, which for some reason makes me sick, they have nothing in common with me either, they try to talk to me, but theres nothing to talk about All of it is just pure awkwardness. God, if only these people really knew who I was, I mean, the me within me, the me that they have no clue about. If only they knew, wonder how great that'd go over.
I don't know why it is, that family holidays make me so sick, or miserable. I really do hate holidays, with a passion. Theres only so much I can take from people, or well be patient with. Face it, i just cant stand my family, they drive me insane. Its like ok, you've never shown me love, except when holidays come around, and then all the sudden you decide to take time to show me love, and pretend that you care to talk to me. Don't they realize that I see straight through them. I'd rather them completely ignore me, then to pretend that they care. Ok and another thing, our family is not that close at all, we never say that we love each other, we just all assume it, its just there. Mom and I never hug, never have. Dad hugs me, tells me he loves me, but why has it always felt fake? (perhaps cause hes never really been there for me). I can't really explain everything, its just like this underlying feeling that I've always had. Its not a matter of the food or how many presents I get, its never been about that, all that stuff has been there for me, but family holidays just make me miserable. I guess the basic reason I can find is that my parents are divorced, and family holidays are about family, we don't have a family, we have families, seperate ones, ones that don't interact anymore, its sad, but its just life right?
Well I'm thinking the holidays might be better this year, for one I'm not insanely depressed and suicidal. And two, I'm more outgoing now, sort of. So thanksgiving might be good tomorrow, Kyle won't be there to save me from my mom's family, like he always has, hes going to Mema and Grangran's house (my dad's parents), but its all good, I'll just take a book to read, or well just go to sleep.
But as for Christmas, thats a whole different story. Christmas is going to be GREAT this year!! Seriously. I do not plan on being stuck here in Texas, where I don't want to be. I am planning on going to spend about a week or more with Sara, the one from Hawaii/Washinton, lol. Ever since I got on my meds, and got school sorted out, cleaned my room (which has its own underlying message, its like cleaning up my life, and getting rid of my baggage), I've been able to get my thoughts and feelings in order and under control. In simplar words, I've finally got my head out of my ass, and realized how great Sara is, I knew she was great, but damn. I can't even begin to explain how I feel towards her. I've gone the research, planned it out, I am going to see her. Fuck Christmas with the family, I don't give a shit about that. I care about Sara, I believe this will be the first happy Christmas I've had in a very long time. You know what the cool thing is, her mom doesn't care, they're going to be in Las Vegas with family like the whole break, and she doesn't care if I come up (from what I know atleast). I asked my mom about it the other day, and she was like I don't want you going by yourself, which means theres room to work, I will go on my own, I always manage to work things like that out (besides who'd go with me, or in other words who would I want to go with me, NO ONE, this trip is for me and Sara dammit). I told my mom, that I didn't have all the specifics worked out yet (which I pretty much do, except for the permission factor), but that I just wanted to put the idea in her head, and I told her, besides you know as well as I do that I hate holidays.
But Yeah, I'm totally psyched, I've never felt so sure about anything before, as I am now. My mind is so clear now, no complications, no complicated feelings. I know what I feel, I want her, she wants me, I care about her more than anyone could ever know. And damn, what gets me everytime with her, is her voice and the sound of her guitar, when she sings for me on the phone. Damn, its amazing, I get this calm, soothing feeling all throughout my body, and I can't stop smiling, even after she stops singing, I love it. She has an amazing view of life too, I can't really explain it, you'd just have to know her, know her thoughts. I'm so excited!!!!! I finally will get to meet her, see her with my own eyes, touch her, hold her, hear her beautiful voice, look into those eyes I've so been longing to look into. So many things, finally can happen. I told her dammit, I promised her, told her again and again, I was coming to see her, she never really believed it, I stopped believing for awhile (when I had lost hope in everything else as well), but I always keep true to my original promises. I am going to see her. A long ass drive, by myself, is it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!! Wow I haven't thought so clearly in along time. I am happy, I am content, I am clear. My feelings are true, my feelings are real, my feelings are infinite.
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Sunday, November 23, 2003
**A Letter to Bree, and rather than rewriting this in my blogger, I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'll actually write in my blogger tommorrow, when its not 3:15 in the morning.**
Hey Bree, whats up? Nothing much here, its about 3:00 a.m. And I'm still up. I started reading a book earlier and I just finished it a few minutes ago. And well I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I've been meaning to email you, so thats what I'm doing now.
How are you? How are your classes going? Lol I'm sure your back to your normal routine by now. Are you off for thanksgiving break? If you do get to come home, you have to give me a call. I miss being able to hang out with you, like we did this summer. Lol your about the only sane person I know.
Hey while I'm thinking about it, are you going to be here for the ex's game, that would be cool if you played. I talked to Beth the other night, she said she wasn't sure she was going to do it, cause shes so out of shape. I think it would be awesome if all of ya'll game back and played against us. And just to be blunt, we'd actually have a challenge. Scrimmaging in class, is such BS, I don't feel we've gotten anything really acomplished on the field, there just too many dang people. Nearly all of our team is out of shape, cause we hardly do any running. The only time we really accomplish anything is in the weight room, and then work out in the activity center, cause we actually run when we're in there.
I miss Kear more now than ever. I miss yoga, and the team runs, or well the long runs in general. This year is so different from last year. Perhaps more difficult too, for me atleast. I'm struggling with the whole graduating thing, it scares me honestly. I have my future planned, and I know that it will happen. I suppose its just the fact that I'm not very good at letting things go, the people, the places, the experiences.
But anyways, on a good note. I'm pretty sure I've told you about my mom's treatment right, the one for her hepatitis C? Well since shes the lab director and all, she checks her blood on a regular basis, cause she has to know if she needs to take more meds to keep her hemoglobin up, etc. Well I didn't find out till friday, but since a few months after she started the treatment, shes been negative for the Hep C cells, which is really good. And well just a week or two ago, they took her off one of her main meds, and she was afraid the Hep C cells would reappear. But her blood test on friday, showed that the cells still aren't there, which is great news, she is still going to finish out the treatment, which is always good, taking precaution and all that, is always important. But I am really excited about it, it really is great news, cause its hard to see her on this treatment, and also gives me some comfort, knowing that the hep C is gone, cause by having it, she would slowly deteriorate, and that would kill me. I love my mom, shes my hero, and the sheer thought of losing her, its just unexplainable, it would break my heart. But I'm excited now, she should be done with the treatment in January or February.
Ok so well I think I'm wrote a bit too much maybe. So I guess I will go now, hopefully I'll talk to you laters.
Love Always,
Erin
Hey Bree, whats up? Nothing much here, its about 3:00 a.m. And I'm still up. I started reading a book earlier and I just finished it a few minutes ago. And well I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I've been meaning to email you, so thats what I'm doing now.
How are you? How are your classes going? Lol I'm sure your back to your normal routine by now. Are you off for thanksgiving break? If you do get to come home, you have to give me a call. I miss being able to hang out with you, like we did this summer. Lol your about the only sane person I know.
Hey while I'm thinking about it, are you going to be here for the ex's game, that would be cool if you played. I talked to Beth the other night, she said she wasn't sure she was going to do it, cause shes so out of shape. I think it would be awesome if all of ya'll game back and played against us. And just to be blunt, we'd actually have a challenge. Scrimmaging in class, is such BS, I don't feel we've gotten anything really acomplished on the field, there just too many dang people. Nearly all of our team is out of shape, cause we hardly do any running. The only time we really accomplish anything is in the weight room, and then work out in the activity center, cause we actually run when we're in there.
I miss Kear more now than ever. I miss yoga, and the team runs, or well the long runs in general. This year is so different from last year. Perhaps more difficult too, for me atleast. I'm struggling with the whole graduating thing, it scares me honestly. I have my future planned, and I know that it will happen. I suppose its just the fact that I'm not very good at letting things go, the people, the places, the experiences.
But anyways, on a good note. I'm pretty sure I've told you about my mom's treatment right, the one for her hepatitis C? Well since shes the lab director and all, she checks her blood on a regular basis, cause she has to know if she needs to take more meds to keep her hemoglobin up, etc. Well I didn't find out till friday, but since a few months after she started the treatment, shes been negative for the Hep C cells, which is really good. And well just a week or two ago, they took her off one of her main meds, and she was afraid the Hep C cells would reappear. But her blood test on friday, showed that the cells still aren't there, which is great news, she is still going to finish out the treatment, which is always good, taking precaution and all that, is always important. But I am really excited about it, it really is great news, cause its hard to see her on this treatment, and also gives me some comfort, knowing that the hep C is gone, cause by having it, she would slowly deteriorate, and that would kill me. I love my mom, shes my hero, and the sheer thought of losing her, its just unexplainable, it would break my heart. But I'm excited now, she should be done with the treatment in January or February.
Ok so well I think I'm wrote a bit too much maybe. So I guess I will go now, hopefully I'll talk to you laters.
Love Always,
Erin
Sunday, November 16, 2003
**Cleaning**
So yeah the last entry, with the forward type stuff, they were actually forwards. Yeah I've been doing some major cleaning the last two days, and I'm still going at it. I started with my email account, I printed off all the emails I wanted to keep, which was actually ALOT, lol I used about 90% of my black ink cartrige, then I deleted all of those emails. Then I began with my room, I cleaned up the floor, washed all of my sheets and dirty clothes, dusted everything (dresser, desk, window blinds, etc.), then I cleared everything out of my room (pillows, chairs, etc.) and I vacuumed (sp?) it all throughly. Then I began to clean up my computer its-self. I burned all of my files I put on my computer, and burned them all onto one CD. I had several thousand files, maybe not quite that much, but alot of data was on the cd. Then I deleted all of those files. And I just started on my closet a few hours ago. I've been working on seprating all of the clothes I don't want any more, or that don't fit. I'm done with that, and I plan on taking the clothes to Goodwill when I have time.
All of my clean clothes, that I wear all the time, are down stairs, as well as all of the other clean stuff, like my towels. I'm waiting till I'm done cleaning my closet, to hang up all of my clothes. I still have a million different things to go through to decide to keep or throw away, I have a bunch of school papers in my closet, I need to find a box to put them in so I can put them in the attic. I don't know why, but I've never thrown away any school work, we still have stuff from when I was in 1st grade, its crazy. I have a few mums in my closet, I think once I'm done cleaning it, I will hang them up in my closet (cause I don't have any space in my room, except for the ceiling). I need to make a small bookshelf, so I can put all of my books and photo albums up. Or even a chest would work (although I already am using two of them). Anyways, so this is what I've been doing the last two days, since I've had time to do it. Cleaning, is a weird thing, I like to clean, I guess cause I like things to look nice, but also cause I don't think about anything while I'm cleaning, its pretty cool. It gives me a break from the world, I was supposed to finish a letter to someone a few days ago, but I still haven't finished it, even though I'm almost done with it, I just really needed a break, especially after this last week
~~School~~
This last week has been INSANE. I've been so busy. So yeah my problem with sleep, has finally kicked my ass. Luckily I have a kick ass English teacher, and economics teacher too. My economics teacher last 6 weeks let me make up like 4 different things so that I could pass the 6 weeks, and for the trimester exam, we had a review that if we finished it, would be 10 extra points on our final. So I'd been working on it with the only time I had to do it, and I couldn't find probably 2 pages worth of stuff (cause he based the review on the old book, rather than the new one), but I went in a period before the class, and he helped me out alot, like explained what it was (so I could write it down later) or he told me where it was in the book. Even though it wasn't a whole lot on the review he helped me out alot.
And as for my English teacher, Mrs. Stewart, SHE ROCKS!!!!! I love her so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She let me make up stuff from like the first 6 weeks of school, I ended up making up, or well finally turning in "late" work, about 5 worksheets, 10 disagree/agree things on an article we read, and a education paper. I had my character paper in on time, but she still helped me out alot on that. And all of this stuff that I was making up, I started doing monday night, needless to say, I didn't get any sleep this week. Every night I probably went to bed at like 3:30 or 4:00. And continued to work all day at school, even during lunch, and I even stay after school (5th period and more) to work more. I was working constantly on this stuff, I hardly had time for anything. I didn't even eat, I hadn't really ate anything since friday, up until wednesday when I ate at Quizno's. And oh yeah, get this, I took at regular test over Medieval stuff on wednesday, well I made a 40 on it (40 out of 78 questions) and I didn't do the short answers so I made a 40 totally. I failed it because I kept falling asleep the whole time we were reading the stories that the test of mainly over. But well Mrs. Stewart is so cool, with that 40 as a test grade, it would have failed me, well she let me re-take the test. Our final in that class was thursday, and since it was the end of the trimester, we didn't have school on friday. So we agreed for me to come in at 9:00 friday morning. Well I went home after staying late again, and I was going to study more when I got home, but I kind of passed out, and slept all night. But I got to the school at about 8:50, and I didn't leave until 12:30. I studied for about an hour 1/2. Then took my test. On the short answers I didn't remember one of the stories one of the questions was based on, so she let me read it again. Then I finished it. I was so excited. I made a 62 on the questions, and plus the short answers the total I could have made was a 84, but since I was retaking it she said she was going to have to count off on it, which she is really cool, so I don't think she took off much, and I think I did really well on the short answers. I mean I know I passed the class, so I'm thrilled.
Next trimester I am not going to sleep, I am determined not to sleep, I will not get behind in my classes. Mrs. Stewart and I were talking about my sleeping, friday, and she said is sounded like I had sleep-apnia, or something like that. Cause I can't control my sleeping at all, and I even sleep enough at home. Someone told me I'm always tired cause I'm anemic, but its more than that. I'm not just tired, I always fall asleep, randomly, no matter how I'm sitting, standing up, writing, holding something up (like in band, I could hold my tuba up, and still be asleep). Its not natural, I'm going to look into it somemore. I'm willing to do anything to keep from falling asleep. And no matter what anyone says, caffeine does nothing for me at all, trust me I know, I can drink a coke, and two seconds later I'll be asleep. But anyways, enough of that.
Well its late, I think I'm going to go try and finish something else on my closet, or I'm going to go to sleep. Laters.
So yeah the last entry, with the forward type stuff, they were actually forwards. Yeah I've been doing some major cleaning the last two days, and I'm still going at it. I started with my email account, I printed off all the emails I wanted to keep, which was actually ALOT, lol I used about 90% of my black ink cartrige, then I deleted all of those emails. Then I began with my room, I cleaned up the floor, washed all of my sheets and dirty clothes, dusted everything (dresser, desk, window blinds, etc.), then I cleared everything out of my room (pillows, chairs, etc.) and I vacuumed (sp?) it all throughly. Then I began to clean up my computer its-self. I burned all of my files I put on my computer, and burned them all onto one CD. I had several thousand files, maybe not quite that much, but alot of data was on the cd. Then I deleted all of those files. And I just started on my closet a few hours ago. I've been working on seprating all of the clothes I don't want any more, or that don't fit. I'm done with that, and I plan on taking the clothes to Goodwill when I have time.
All of my clean clothes, that I wear all the time, are down stairs, as well as all of the other clean stuff, like my towels. I'm waiting till I'm done cleaning my closet, to hang up all of my clothes. I still have a million different things to go through to decide to keep or throw away, I have a bunch of school papers in my closet, I need to find a box to put them in so I can put them in the attic. I don't know why, but I've never thrown away any school work, we still have stuff from when I was in 1st grade, its crazy. I have a few mums in my closet, I think once I'm done cleaning it, I will hang them up in my closet (cause I don't have any space in my room, except for the ceiling). I need to make a small bookshelf, so I can put all of my books and photo albums up. Or even a chest would work (although I already am using two of them). Anyways, so this is what I've been doing the last two days, since I've had time to do it. Cleaning, is a weird thing, I like to clean, I guess cause I like things to look nice, but also cause I don't think about anything while I'm cleaning, its pretty cool. It gives me a break from the world, I was supposed to finish a letter to someone a few days ago, but I still haven't finished it, even though I'm almost done with it, I just really needed a break, especially after this last week
~~School~~
This last week has been INSANE. I've been so busy. So yeah my problem with sleep, has finally kicked my ass. Luckily I have a kick ass English teacher, and economics teacher too. My economics teacher last 6 weeks let me make up like 4 different things so that I could pass the 6 weeks, and for the trimester exam, we had a review that if we finished it, would be 10 extra points on our final. So I'd been working on it with the only time I had to do it, and I couldn't find probably 2 pages worth of stuff (cause he based the review on the old book, rather than the new one), but I went in a period before the class, and he helped me out alot, like explained what it was (so I could write it down later) or he told me where it was in the book. Even though it wasn't a whole lot on the review he helped me out alot.
And as for my English teacher, Mrs. Stewart, SHE ROCKS!!!!! I love her so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She let me make up stuff from like the first 6 weeks of school, I ended up making up, or well finally turning in "late" work, about 5 worksheets, 10 disagree/agree things on an article we read, and a education paper. I had my character paper in on time, but she still helped me out alot on that. And all of this stuff that I was making up, I started doing monday night, needless to say, I didn't get any sleep this week. Every night I probably went to bed at like 3:30 or 4:00. And continued to work all day at school, even during lunch, and I even stay after school (5th period and more) to work more. I was working constantly on this stuff, I hardly had time for anything. I didn't even eat, I hadn't really ate anything since friday, up until wednesday when I ate at Quizno's. And oh yeah, get this, I took at regular test over Medieval stuff on wednesday, well I made a 40 on it (40 out of 78 questions) and I didn't do the short answers so I made a 40 totally. I failed it because I kept falling asleep the whole time we were reading the stories that the test of mainly over. But well Mrs. Stewart is so cool, with that 40 as a test grade, it would have failed me, well she let me re-take the test. Our final in that class was thursday, and since it was the end of the trimester, we didn't have school on friday. So we agreed for me to come in at 9:00 friday morning. Well I went home after staying late again, and I was going to study more when I got home, but I kind of passed out, and slept all night. But I got to the school at about 8:50, and I didn't leave until 12:30. I studied for about an hour 1/2. Then took my test. On the short answers I didn't remember one of the stories one of the questions was based on, so she let me read it again. Then I finished it. I was so excited. I made a 62 on the questions, and plus the short answers the total I could have made was a 84, but since I was retaking it she said she was going to have to count off on it, which she is really cool, so I don't think she took off much, and I think I did really well on the short answers. I mean I know I passed the class, so I'm thrilled.
Next trimester I am not going to sleep, I am determined not to sleep, I will not get behind in my classes. Mrs. Stewart and I were talking about my sleeping, friday, and she said is sounded like I had sleep-apnia, or something like that. Cause I can't control my sleeping at all, and I even sleep enough at home. Someone told me I'm always tired cause I'm anemic, but its more than that. I'm not just tired, I always fall asleep, randomly, no matter how I'm sitting, standing up, writing, holding something up (like in band, I could hold my tuba up, and still be asleep). Its not natural, I'm going to look into it somemore. I'm willing to do anything to keep from falling asleep. And no matter what anyone says, caffeine does nothing for me at all, trust me I know, I can drink a coke, and two seconds later I'll be asleep. But anyways, enough of that.
Well its late, I think I'm going to go try and finish something else on my closet, or I'm going to go to sleep. Laters.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
...a Friend does most or all of these...
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
1.) First name : Erin
2.) Middle name: Lindsay
3.) Last name: Jones
4.) Hobbies: sleeping, internet, and playing sports
5.)Closest Friend(s) of the Same Sex: Sara, Miranda, Gina, Ashlee
6.) Closest Friend(s) of the Opposite Sex: Zach, Josh, Kirk
7.) Best friend u trust more than anyone: Michelle
8.)Person that Knows the Most About You: Miranda
9.) Best quality in a friend: trust and honesty
10.) Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): goint to playoffs in soccer
11.) Funniest Person you Know: Nikki
12.) Quietest Person you know: Ally
13.) Most annoying Person you know: lol Miranda, no j/k Paige Cress
~Favorites~
14.) Favorite Season: spring
15.) Favorite Summer Activity: jet skiing, sleeping, staying up late
16.) Favorite Winter Activity: playing soccer
17.) Favorite Holiday: St. Patricks Day, I'm not much for family holidays
18.) Favorite Vacation Spot: vacation, whats that? umm... we used to go skiing in Ruidoso, NM.
19.) Favorite Color(s): Red
20.) Favorite Book: Annie on my Mind
21.) Favorite (dream) car: my brothers red, 1979 chevrolet truck, its beautiful and it just sits in our driveway, no one drives it
22.) Favorite Sport(s) to watch: volleyball, basketball, football and women's soccer
23.) Favorite Sport(s) to play: soccer, softball
24.) Favorite Thing to Sleep In: basketball shorts and a t-shirt
25.) Favorite Shoes: my tennis shoes
26.) Favorite school subject: history
27.) Favorite Teacher: Mrs. Stewart
28.) Favorite Conversation Topic: basically anything, since I can ramble about everything
29.) Favorite Feeling: waking up in a really warm comfortable bed, being hugged
30.) Your Personality Type: understanding, outgoing and shy at the same time
31.) One Place you want to go to (you've never been there): Europe
32.) What you wanna be when you grow up: I don't know specifically, I just know it will have to do with international business, I want to travel
33.) What college do you want to go to: Northwood University, its in Cedar Hill
34.) Something You're Picked on Most About: gee i wonder, my height
35.) Best Compliment you've ever gotten: people telling me I look cute, and that I'm a hoss (good at soccer)
36.) Biggest Fear: not being loved, being alone
37.) Thing you most regret: telling a friend I liked them, which ultimately ruined our friendship
38.) One thing you hope you do before you die: find someone to love and be with the rest of my life
39.) Silliest moment: dressing up for spirit days
40.) Do you sleep with a pound puppy? no, but I have one
41.) One thing you would change about yourself: I'd be taller, and I wouldn't shut down when in a relationship (I'd share everything that I thought)
42.) Most prized possession: my room
43.) Are you nice or mean? generally I'm nice, but I have my moments
44.) Bright or dull? bright
45.) Are you smart? I'm not book smart, but I'm worldly smart
47.) Do you make fun of people? only if they're my friends
48.)Don't you enjoy making fun of people? if its my friends then yeah, but not making fun of them in a mean way
49.) Are you prejudice against anyone? nope
50.) What's one thing you don't like about your personality? I over analyze things, I trust people too easily
51.) What's one thing you like about your personality? I'm easy to talk to, and people can talk to me about anything (thats why they call me the counselor)
52.) are u annoying? lol I'm sure I can be
53.) Are you ignorant? no
54.) Are u in denial? not currently, but I am sometimes
55.) Are you conceited? no
58.) Do you ever give people dirty looks? definately, but for good reasons (letting them know how I feel)
59.) Have you ever been kissed ? by a guy, no
60.) Boyfriend or Girlfriend? nope
Crush: always
62.) Their name(s): Kyle Marsh
63.) Ever been in love: yes
64.) What turns you on? someone thats intellectual
65.) Hair curly or straight? doesn't matter
66.) Hair color? doesn't matter
67.) Eyes? I tend to go for blue, green, or hazel
68.) Things you hate most about them? don't always follow through on things, like calling
69.) Things you love most about them? very sweet
70)What do they look best in? band uniforms
You Consider Yourself~
71.) Popular: yeah
72.) Athletic: definately
73.) Artistic: definately not artistic, but definately creative
This or That~
74.) Be serious or be funny? both, depends on the the moment
75.) Boxers or briefs? lol, briefs
76.) Whole or skim milk? whole
77.) Single or taken? I'd rather be taken
78.) Simple or complicated? simple
79.) Law or anarchy? law
80.) Love or like? love
81.)read or write? both
83.) Sunrise or sunset? sunset...I'm not much of a morning person. But sunrises are awesome when you've been up all night working on something
84.) Is it POP or SODA?? coke
85.) X or O in tic-tac-toe? X
86.) Eat an apple or an orange? apple
87.) Guy movie or chick flick? chick flick
88.) Sun or moon? moon
89.) Emerald or ruby? emerald I guess
90.) Pants or shorts? shorts, but I hate having to shave
91.) Left or right? right
92.)10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend
93.) Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? vanilla, but I prefer strawberry
94.) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry? silver
95.) Cat or dog? dog
96.) Warm or Cold? warm
97.) Ketchup or mustard? ketchup
98.) Newspaper or magazine? newspaper
99.) Sandals or sneakers? sneakers, they don't fall off as much
100.) Happy and poor or rich and sad? happy and poor
102) Hug or kiss? hugs
103.) Looks or Personality? personality
104.) Body or Mind? mind
105.) Sweet or Sexy (opposite sex)? sweet
Miscellaneous~
106.) Color of your bedroom: red, green, blue, yellow, and my ceiling is purple, my bathroom is orange, grey, and the ceiling is black
107) Size of your bed: twin, had it all my life
108.) Color socks you're wearing: not wearing any, but they're always white
109.) Morning or night person? definately night
110.) Are you ticklish? yeah you could say that
111.) Do you have a job? generally just in the summer, but I've been looking for one, but everyone is fully staffed, it sucks
112.) Any scars? Definately, theres too many to count
113.) Fave saying or expression or quote: always have faith
2.) Middle name: Lindsay
3.) Last name: Jones
4.) Hobbies: sleeping, internet, and playing sports
5.)Closest Friend(s) of the Same Sex: Sara, Miranda, Gina, Ashlee
6.) Closest Friend(s) of the Opposite Sex: Zach, Josh, Kirk
7.) Best friend u trust more than anyone: Michelle
8.)Person that Knows the Most About You: Miranda
9.) Best quality in a friend: trust and honesty
10.) Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): goint to playoffs in soccer
11.) Funniest Person you Know: Nikki
12.) Quietest Person you know: Ally
13.) Most annoying Person you know: lol Miranda, no j/k Paige Cress
~Favorites~
14.) Favorite Season: spring
15.) Favorite Summer Activity: jet skiing, sleeping, staying up late
16.) Favorite Winter Activity: playing soccer
17.) Favorite Holiday: St. Patricks Day, I'm not much for family holidays
18.) Favorite Vacation Spot: vacation, whats that? umm... we used to go skiing in Ruidoso, NM.
19.) Favorite Color(s): Red
20.) Favorite Book: Annie on my Mind
21.) Favorite (dream) car: my brothers red, 1979 chevrolet truck, its beautiful and it just sits in our driveway, no one drives it
22.) Favorite Sport(s) to watch: volleyball, basketball, football and women's soccer
23.) Favorite Sport(s) to play: soccer, softball
24.) Favorite Thing to Sleep In: basketball shorts and a t-shirt
25.) Favorite Shoes: my tennis shoes
26.) Favorite school subject: history
27.) Favorite Teacher: Mrs. Stewart
28.) Favorite Conversation Topic: basically anything, since I can ramble about everything
29.) Favorite Feeling: waking up in a really warm comfortable bed, being hugged
30.) Your Personality Type: understanding, outgoing and shy at the same time
31.) One Place you want to go to (you've never been there): Europe
32.) What you wanna be when you grow up: I don't know specifically, I just know it will have to do with international business, I want to travel
33.) What college do you want to go to: Northwood University, its in Cedar Hill
34.) Something You're Picked on Most About: gee i wonder, my height
35.) Best Compliment you've ever gotten: people telling me I look cute, and that I'm a hoss (good at soccer)
36.) Biggest Fear: not being loved, being alone
37.) Thing you most regret: telling a friend I liked them, which ultimately ruined our friendship
38.) One thing you hope you do before you die: find someone to love and be with the rest of my life
39.) Silliest moment: dressing up for spirit days
40.) Do you sleep with a pound puppy? no, but I have one
41.) One thing you would change about yourself: I'd be taller, and I wouldn't shut down when in a relationship (I'd share everything that I thought)
42.) Most prized possession: my room
43.) Are you nice or mean? generally I'm nice, but I have my moments
44.) Bright or dull? bright
45.) Are you smart? I'm not book smart, but I'm worldly smart
47.) Do you make fun of people? only if they're my friends
48.)Don't you enjoy making fun of people? if its my friends then yeah, but not making fun of them in a mean way
49.) Are you prejudice against anyone? nope
50.) What's one thing you don't like about your personality? I over analyze things, I trust people too easily
51.) What's one thing you like about your personality? I'm easy to talk to, and people can talk to me about anything (thats why they call me the counselor)
52.) are u annoying? lol I'm sure I can be
53.) Are you ignorant? no
54.) Are u in denial? not currently, but I am sometimes
55.) Are you conceited? no
58.) Do you ever give people dirty looks? definately, but for good reasons (letting them know how I feel)
59.) Have you ever been kissed ? by a guy, no
60.) Boyfriend or Girlfriend? nope
Crush: always
62.) Their name(s): Kyle Marsh
63.) Ever been in love: yes
64.) What turns you on? someone thats intellectual
65.) Hair curly or straight? doesn't matter
66.) Hair color? doesn't matter
67.) Eyes? I tend to go for blue, green, or hazel
68.) Things you hate most about them? don't always follow through on things, like calling
69.) Things you love most about them? very sweet
70)What do they look best in? band uniforms
You Consider Yourself~
71.) Popular: yeah
72.) Athletic: definately
73.) Artistic: definately not artistic, but definately creative
This or That~
74.) Be serious or be funny? both, depends on the the moment
75.) Boxers or briefs? lol, briefs
76.) Whole or skim milk? whole
77.) Single or taken? I'd rather be taken
78.) Simple or complicated? simple
79.) Law or anarchy? law
80.) Love or like? love
81.)read or write? both
83.) Sunrise or sunset? sunset...I'm not much of a morning person. But sunrises are awesome when you've been up all night working on something
84.) Is it POP or SODA?? coke
85.) X or O in tic-tac-toe? X
86.) Eat an apple or an orange? apple
87.) Guy movie or chick flick? chick flick
88.) Sun or moon? moon
89.) Emerald or ruby? emerald I guess
90.) Pants or shorts? shorts, but I hate having to shave
91.) Left or right? right
92.)10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend
93.) Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? vanilla, but I prefer strawberry
94.) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry? silver
95.) Cat or dog? dog
96.) Warm or Cold? warm
97.) Ketchup or mustard? ketchup
98.) Newspaper or magazine? newspaper
99.) Sandals or sneakers? sneakers, they don't fall off as much
100.) Happy and poor or rich and sad? happy and poor
102) Hug or kiss? hugs
103.) Looks or Personality? personality
104.) Body or Mind? mind
105.) Sweet or Sexy (opposite sex)? sweet
Miscellaneous~
106.) Color of your bedroom: red, green, blue, yellow, and my ceiling is purple, my bathroom is orange, grey, and the ceiling is black
107) Size of your bed: twin, had it all my life
108.) Color socks you're wearing: not wearing any, but they're always white
109.) Morning or night person? definately night
110.) Are you ticklish? yeah you could say that
111.) Do you have a job? generally just in the summer, but I've been looking for one, but everyone is fully staffed, it sucks
112.) Any scars? Definately, theres too many to count
113.) Fave saying or expression or quote: always have faith
Monday, November 10, 2003
**Starting Meds**
So generally I've always thought that taking medicine for depression was just a big joke. Sometimes depression is just a chemical embalance, they said. I just thought it was a bunch of bullshit. My mom tried putting me on it before, needless to say it didn't work because of the situation it was in, I had logical reasons to be depressed. I think I tried taking it again later to help me sleep, but I always forgot to take it, so when I finally ran out of it, I didn't get it refilled. But like I said the situations are different. I know my depression the last few months, have not been logical at all. So the last few doctor visits I've had relating to my ovaries (and something other than pms and being pregnant, lol, I'll explain later). So my first appointment I explained to my doctor what was going on and asked if I could get back on zoloft, and he said yeah sure. So I have the doctors sample for now, I have to go back in a about a week to tell him if its working or not, and if it is then I'll probably get a prescription for it. Which I am very happy to announce that it has been seeming to work. Which yeah side effects always kind of suck. Lol I've been having hot flashes, and it makes me feel super tired sometimes (usually the middle of the day, 3rd period, and I basically can't stop yawning and my body feels like I could just fall over). But as for keeping my emotions normal, its been working great. As for helping me concentrate better, it has definately been working. And I'm not just saying this, it has been working for me, I know it may not work for other people, but the situations are different, every situation is different in some way. But I haven't been able to focus like this in quite awhile.
It calms me quite a bit, cause well my grades have really slipped and luckily I have some kickass teachers, that aren't counting anything against me. They're letting me finish the work I didn't complete or just didn't do. I love my teachers. I'm so thankful for them, otherwise, I would probably be failing. Plus well they've kept me in check with myself, not just letting me fall behind, they've stayed on me about getting my stuff done. They really seem to care, my teachers at my old school never really seemed to be this effective with me.
Ok and as for my problem relating to my ovaries. My doctor said I was most like having midsmerts. Which is when half way through a girls cycle, something in the ovaries (not sure what its called, but just think of it as something like a balloon) ruptures to release new eggs into the cycle. Generally this goes unnoticed, but sometimes it is more severe, so then you experience pains, like when you're PMSing (which is actually before you bleed, lol guys don't seem to understand that), you have cramps and stuff. Well I thought originally I had a urinary tract infection, but my urine was completely clean. So the doctor said if it didn't go away within a few days to go back and see him. Well it didn't go away so I went and saw him again last week. And let me tell you, constant cramps that hurt like a mofo, and having an urgency to pee all the time, and when you pee its not very much and then it hurts afterwards, well its not very much fun. So when I went back to the doctor, they did another urine test, and once again it was completely clean. So they set up and appointment the next day for me to have a pelvic sonogram. Now let me tell you, it was great fun. I had to have a full bladder, or 32 oz. of liquid in me. Well I had more than 32 oz. and I wasn't allowed to pee until the sonogram was over, from the time I had my last drink of something, I had to wait about an hour 1/2. It really sucked. But they were checking to see if I had any cysts or anything. Which luckily I don't have any, but he said that my uterus lining was thick, which meant I was probably fixing to start my period. Which apparently he was right (but I didn't find out till after the fact), I started saturday, which was about a week early. It really pissed me off, damn midsmerts, lol. But nah... its all good, having it on weekends is better anyways. But yeah theres nothing wrong with me so thats always a plus.
So generally I've always thought that taking medicine for depression was just a big joke. Sometimes depression is just a chemical embalance, they said. I just thought it was a bunch of bullshit. My mom tried putting me on it before, needless to say it didn't work because of the situation it was in, I had logical reasons to be depressed. I think I tried taking it again later to help me sleep, but I always forgot to take it, so when I finally ran out of it, I didn't get it refilled. But like I said the situations are different. I know my depression the last few months, have not been logical at all. So the last few doctor visits I've had relating to my ovaries (and something other than pms and being pregnant, lol, I'll explain later). So my first appointment I explained to my doctor what was going on and asked if I could get back on zoloft, and he said yeah sure. So I have the doctors sample for now, I have to go back in a about a week to tell him if its working or not, and if it is then I'll probably get a prescription for it. Which I am very happy to announce that it has been seeming to work. Which yeah side effects always kind of suck. Lol I've been having hot flashes, and it makes me feel super tired sometimes (usually the middle of the day, 3rd period, and I basically can't stop yawning and my body feels like I could just fall over). But as for keeping my emotions normal, its been working great. As for helping me concentrate better, it has definately been working. And I'm not just saying this, it has been working for me, I know it may not work for other people, but the situations are different, every situation is different in some way. But I haven't been able to focus like this in quite awhile.
It calms me quite a bit, cause well my grades have really slipped and luckily I have some kickass teachers, that aren't counting anything against me. They're letting me finish the work I didn't complete or just didn't do. I love my teachers. I'm so thankful for them, otherwise, I would probably be failing. Plus well they've kept me in check with myself, not just letting me fall behind, they've stayed on me about getting my stuff done. They really seem to care, my teachers at my old school never really seemed to be this effective with me.
Ok and as for my problem relating to my ovaries. My doctor said I was most like having midsmerts. Which is when half way through a girls cycle, something in the ovaries (not sure what its called, but just think of it as something like a balloon) ruptures to release new eggs into the cycle. Generally this goes unnoticed, but sometimes it is more severe, so then you experience pains, like when you're PMSing (which is actually before you bleed, lol guys don't seem to understand that), you have cramps and stuff. Well I thought originally I had a urinary tract infection, but my urine was completely clean. So the doctor said if it didn't go away within a few days to go back and see him. Well it didn't go away so I went and saw him again last week. And let me tell you, constant cramps that hurt like a mofo, and having an urgency to pee all the time, and when you pee its not very much and then it hurts afterwards, well its not very much fun. So when I went back to the doctor, they did another urine test, and once again it was completely clean. So they set up and appointment the next day for me to have a pelvic sonogram. Now let me tell you, it was great fun. I had to have a full bladder, or 32 oz. of liquid in me. Well I had more than 32 oz. and I wasn't allowed to pee until the sonogram was over, from the time I had my last drink of something, I had to wait about an hour 1/2. It really sucked. But they were checking to see if I had any cysts or anything. Which luckily I don't have any, but he said that my uterus lining was thick, which meant I was probably fixing to start my period. Which apparently he was right (but I didn't find out till after the fact), I started saturday, which was about a week early. It really pissed me off, damn midsmerts, lol. But nah... its all good, having it on weekends is better anyways. But yeah theres nothing wrong with me so thats always a plus.
I always say to people who listen to me while I rant and rave, ''My thoughts and feelings go out to the world, independent of whether or not someone (anyone) is listening. And for those whose thoughts and feelings I get back, are undue gifts I have no clue why I deserve.'' --Ian Hosein (about his blogger).
Saturday, November 08, 2003
~~Being Questioned~~
It always fascinates when people question my actions. Mostly for the nice things I do for people, I don't really know why I do things, I just want to do something nice for someone else, so I do it and I don't much else about it. Like two girls in two different classes, always asked for candy or gum. So when all of the big bags of candy I went and bought each of them a big bag (the good candy, the mix of jawbreakers, gum, suckers, smarties, tootsie rolls, etc.). And I just gave it to them, they asked why, I just said I wanted to.
Today I was questioned about something a little more personal. And even if it wasn't hinting to something, it still kind of hurt my feelings. Straight for the last week, I've been working on a project every free moment, staying up till 2 in the morning, trying to finish it. I finished thursday. I was doing it for Rebecca. Last time we hung out we were listening to one of my Hanson cd's, and she said she should get some of their music. So I figured ok, I'll do this for her. I burned all 6 Hanson cds I have, made special labels (the cover of the cd booklets on the label, not just writing the name of the cd) for them and I copied all of the lyrics off the net, printed them out, hole punched them, made a cover sheet for each cd with the list of songs and the booklet cover picture thing, and put it all into a folder. And well on her website, she has posted a lot of different song lyrics. And I've always written them down, and downloaded them, which I stopped doing for about 5 months. Well I caught up on it all, and I finished downloading all the songs, I put them in order from the date (a few were in the wrong order, but still the right dates), burned them on cds, and made special labels. Then I did the whole lyric thing again, and hole punched them all, made a cover page for it and a list of songs, and put it in another folder. I put all of the cds in a case. Last time we hung out, she mentioned she wanted the new Vertical Horizon cd, so I bought it for her. Well I went today and left it on her car for her (she was at cross-country, so I had to leave it). Well she called me about an hour ago. She said she did understand where the inspiration came from. Just the way she said it, implied something, something making me feel she was implying I was trying to win her over again, to win her heart back. But I wasn't, I was just being me, I was being a friend. I was doing something nice for someone else. I was just showing I cared, and I didn't forget about the small things. Hell I do the things no else expects me to do, so thats why I do them. I don't ask for anything in return, nothing at all. I was doing a simple nice thing for someone else, why can't people see that. There we no emotional attachments to this, I was just doing something nice. So please don't misunderstand that. I did work my ass off on doing this project, but I think it was well worth it, I am very proud of what I completed, that is my simple satisfaction. I don't need anything else. I ask nothing, and I don't expect nothing. Just being nice.
Lol I love how when I'm trying to emphasize my point, I tend to repeat myself alot.
I don't know why I do these random things, I guess its just cause I want people to know that people care, even about the insignificant things. There is always someone out there who cares. You know the anonymous person who wrote me, didn't have to write me, but they did, they showed me that they cared, and I don't even know this person. Why do we find ourselves compelled to help other people? Not everyone is this way, but some of us our, is it because we've been through things, and want to share, or because we have more free time and have more time to think about the smaller things. You know, this anonymous person, didn't have to write me, but I'm very grateful that they did. We've actually talked several times since the first email, and I really enjoy this new person in my life.
I'll write about something else in a new entry in just a sec, I want to save this before my internet decides to be retarded again and loses the information.
It always fascinates when people question my actions. Mostly for the nice things I do for people, I don't really know why I do things, I just want to do something nice for someone else, so I do it and I don't much else about it. Like two girls in two different classes, always asked for candy or gum. So when all of the big bags of candy I went and bought each of them a big bag (the good candy, the mix of jawbreakers, gum, suckers, smarties, tootsie rolls, etc.). And I just gave it to them, they asked why, I just said I wanted to.
Today I was questioned about something a little more personal. And even if it wasn't hinting to something, it still kind of hurt my feelings. Straight for the last week, I've been working on a project every free moment, staying up till 2 in the morning, trying to finish it. I finished thursday. I was doing it for Rebecca. Last time we hung out we were listening to one of my Hanson cd's, and she said she should get some of their music. So I figured ok, I'll do this for her. I burned all 6 Hanson cds I have, made special labels (the cover of the cd booklets on the label, not just writing the name of the cd) for them and I copied all of the lyrics off the net, printed them out, hole punched them, made a cover sheet for each cd with the list of songs and the booklet cover picture thing, and put it all into a folder. And well on her website, she has posted a lot of different song lyrics. And I've always written them down, and downloaded them, which I stopped doing for about 5 months. Well I caught up on it all, and I finished downloading all the songs, I put them in order from the date (a few were in the wrong order, but still the right dates), burned them on cds, and made special labels. Then I did the whole lyric thing again, and hole punched them all, made a cover page for it and a list of songs, and put it in another folder. I put all of the cds in a case. Last time we hung out, she mentioned she wanted the new Vertical Horizon cd, so I bought it for her. Well I went today and left it on her car for her (she was at cross-country, so I had to leave it). Well she called me about an hour ago. She said she did understand where the inspiration came from. Just the way she said it, implied something, something making me feel she was implying I was trying to win her over again, to win her heart back. But I wasn't, I was just being me, I was being a friend. I was doing something nice for someone else. I was just showing I cared, and I didn't forget about the small things. Hell I do the things no else expects me to do, so thats why I do them. I don't ask for anything in return, nothing at all. I was doing a simple nice thing for someone else, why can't people see that. There we no emotional attachments to this, I was just doing something nice. So please don't misunderstand that. I did work my ass off on doing this project, but I think it was well worth it, I am very proud of what I completed, that is my simple satisfaction. I don't need anything else. I ask nothing, and I don't expect nothing. Just being nice.
Lol I love how when I'm trying to emphasize my point, I tend to repeat myself alot.
I don't know why I do these random things, I guess its just cause I want people to know that people care, even about the insignificant things. There is always someone out there who cares. You know the anonymous person who wrote me, didn't have to write me, but they did, they showed me that they cared, and I don't even know this person. Why do we find ourselves compelled to help other people? Not everyone is this way, but some of us our, is it because we've been through things, and want to share, or because we have more free time and have more time to think about the smaller things. You know, this anonymous person, didn't have to write me, but I'm very grateful that they did. We've actually talked several times since the first email, and I really enjoy this new person in my life.
I'll write about something else in a new entry in just a sec, I want to save this before my internet decides to be retarded again and loses the information.
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