The same familiar hollow and empty shell has consumed me once again. Yet theres a nervousness, a slight fuzzy electricity in my chest like something is waiting to burst out. An uneasiness in my stomach. Some sort of atmospheric pressure thats making it hard to breathe. Is this the beginning of the end, is the life merely being sucked out of me? My mind is in a constant whirlwind, my heart is caught in a hurricane. Shall I say I'm confused? I could but I'm not. Bottom line is that I'm not happy. Yet from every angle I should be, by all definitions I have a perfect life. Comfortable and safe, but..... I'm discontent.

After 2 divorces and a failed engagement, my mom finally found the perfect person for her. Before, she settled for a mediocre life, a mediocre existence, merely passing time away. I can't explain her reason or what was going on in her head or in her heart. However, I know she felt trapped and had no idea how to escape from it. I still wonder what was so bad with my parents marriage, why she left him. The other men I know why she left them. I can see it in my dad's eyes sometimes that part of him still deeply loves my mother, even though it was 20 years ago. I think that no matter how hard you've loved and lost that there are those who still hold a piece of your heart. By all definitions they had a perfect life. And I am now a by-product of divorce. Does it define me? No. Has is profoundly affected me? Definitely.

With that being said. I have a better relationship than anyone could ask for, granted it has its flaws of course. Nothing worth throwing away the last two years though. I read something the other day in the PostSecret book, the guy said "after 50 years of marriage he didn't remember why he loved his wife. But after 50 years of marriage love was all he needed." Something along those lines atleast. My neighbor keeps telling me to ask myself where I see myself in 5 years, then 10 and so forth. Simple answer is I'll be on my own. At this point in my life love may not be enough, especially if its an emotion I'm not feeling anymore. I can't wrap my head around this concept, of love not being enough. Like my dad, he loved my mom to no end, when she left him it shattered his heart. I don't want to be that person, the heartbreaker. But its a role I'm so familiar with.

Something else always pops in to my head when I think of this, theres a part in the movie Date Night (awesome example right?), they're talking in the car and she tells her husband that she doesn't ever picture herself leaving him for another man, but to be alone. Thats how I feel, I don't want another relationship with someone, I just want to be, just simply be. I want more out of life but I have no clue what that might be. Maybe to just be open to everything, accept what may come my way, take risks, to be able to jump without looking back, no restraints. I think over the last 2 years I've lost part of myself and I'm not blaming that on anyone, its just a plain fact. I'm terrified of being 8 years down the road and not knowing where time went, I don't want to wake up and have regrets. I do believe that life is too short to waste. So perhaps I just want to be with myself and allow myself to enjoy what life has to offer whatever that may be, I miss having my own space and being my own person. On one of my previous entries, years ago I remember saying that I was ready to settle down and I did it, it happened and its been amazing. But I think I'm ready for something else now.


Truly scares the shit out of me. I am so settled, comfortable, and safe where I am now. How do you just walk away from that? How do I tell everyone that I'd no longer be with the person they loved so much and would no longer be a part of the family? I think her and I both have growing to do as people but I feel that it has and will take us in different directions. So can it really be the best for both of us? Or just for me? Am I being selfish again? I think most of all that if I continue this relationship we will end up having an ugly break up and I will lose my best friend. I do not want to be in that position where I hate and resent the person that I care so much about. That brings up this, I feel more like a best friend than a lover, I should be both.... but i'm not. What do you do with that? Fucking scary thought/emotion that I can get out of my head. Out of all of this I really don't want to lose my best friend.

Fuck.

......sigh.......

Really not sure what to do, but I need to decide soon before it blows up in my face. Which will probably happen regardless.


Why must things always be so complicated, I want it to be easy. But thats life I suppose. Wish I had some peace of mind right now.





And some other movie scenes that keep popping my my head, from Imagine Me and You.


H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Luce: It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.



Heck: It's not you leaving that's going to kill me. It's you loving someone more.
Rachel: No. you're not walking way. Don't... don't walk away from me.
Heck: Yeah keep saying that. Pretend this is my choice.
Rachel: What do you MEAN?
Heck: Oh come on Rachel. We both know you'd have left me in the end.
Rachel: That's not true.
Heck: Yes it is. I want you to be happy. More than anything else I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. But if I'm not, then I can't stand in the way, you see? Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force. Which means that I've got to move.

In pursuit of passion.

Its been well over a year since I’ve written. Shall we call it writer’s block or lack of things to write about. Are most of my blogs merely senseless ramblings or me going off in a tirade, or are they deep philosophical stories of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I write most when I am depressed and in need of some sort of escape. I am most creative when I am at my lowest. I write out of passion for something, the deep burning desire to express how I feel. Its been on my mind constantly for some time now, I don’t feel passionate about much at all these days. I crave to write but nothing comes to mind. What topic what situation do I feel compelled to write about, nothing. Have I become comfortably numb again, or am I simply content with life right now. I have to agree to disagree on that one, I am neither but both at the same time.

I’ve had so much on my mind the last several months, I think I’ve began to suppress it. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten, after all my mind has gone to shit over the last year or two.



The above was written over a year ago, I had saved it as a draft in hope I would continue to add to it. And that is my example of what I was trying to convey, and as of now nothing has changed.


I miss my imagination.

I miss myself.

I miss letting my heart write for me.