I wonder if everything is what it seems, or if its all just a big facade. Do people really mean what they say, is it all really the truth. Are things going to get better or is everything just going to come crashing down again. There is about 10 months left on this lease on life, will I make it till then, will I make it after then. Is it possible that there is a happy ending with this life. i hope so. I want everything to be ok. Things are almost perfect, just a few more pieces of the puzzles to be added, but those pieces I don't have, I hope they'll come to their senses and complete the life thay we've built together.

Hmm... just random thoughts.

Oh and part of randomness. I weigh 105 now. The first time i went to the doctor I weighed 122 I think. And my follow-up a month later, I weighed 114. Everyones been telling me i've lost weight, didn't think this much. I bought at scale the other day, and yeah I weigh 105. And my follow-up appointment again for the doctor was a few days ago (if I could have gone, but was working). Meh... i'm supposed to weigh this much for my height. And mom didn't seem concerned, she said the same thing, except she puts more emphasis on my medicine. Which has had a little part in it. But really its just been stress. Kat asked me last night, cause she seemed concerned and wanted to make sure that I wasn't throwing up or anything. Felt nauseous all the time yes, only forceably made myself throwup last week sometime (when we went and ate at chicken express, which was really good food). That was the first and only time i've ever done it. She also asked if i've been cutting, which i haven't at all. i think for awhile I had became a subconscious anorexic. But now I'm more aware of it. But mostly its because I can't eat cause i feel so nauseous from being stressed out.

But anyways, so thats that. and I'm going to take a shower, cause i just mowed the yard.

Subject This is who I used to be.....
Posted Date: Monday, June 19, 2006 - 12:19 AM

Our 3 foot defense

My big brother, I was proud to have him by my side

now if you didn't ever believe that I have fake teeth, heres the proof. scary eh? oh and notice the orange ass hair.

my nails were all perrrtty

i was happy that day, and took some good pictures of JV, which none of them have seen but like 2 of them.

yes yes i have worn a dress.

yes folks Erin can be girly.

OMG, I was a dork.

I've never actually ate at Krispy Kreme

I love this picture, Sissy's mom took amazing pictures.

And I love this one too, I looked so cute.

In Japan with my buds, such a great trip, i looked good in alot of the pictures from there.

Was being antisocial with the family.

WTF, why did ya'll ever let me look like this, and yes once the hair was dry I still didn't move it out of my face, I looked like i had a Beatles hair cut.

Aww.... I so cute, and why oh why have i always made goofy faces.

This is one of my most all time favorite pics. The 2nd to it I haven't scanned yet.

orange hair and me in a skirt, looking retarded at my step-brothers wedding.

good times, good times, Tom Petty concert in NC.

How the fuck does my own dad spell my name wrong.  Was going to be put up so I'd see in on my way to graduation, so they put it in the front yard instead. lol

This is what I did for my 18th birthday, ringing the bell on a battleship in the bay of San Fransico.

Dixie made my hair look cute.

Before and after of my hair donation to Locks of Love.

One of the many sports I played, badass shoes, but still have scars from where they rubbed blisters.

so damn tan.

i miss being that tan, but hated the job (for the most part), and my straight boy Oneil (so brave for going to the gayborhood).

We try and pretend to be a real family.

The two men in my life.  Lol the resemblence makes me laugh sometimes.

Haha, he was so trying not to cry, my dad is kind of an emotional guy.

I had way too much spare time in that damn dorm room.

One of the man adventures of Sara.Suicide and I

Pimpin the snowboard, ton of fun

The face I make when people are chasing me with a bucket full of ice water. I looked retarded.

At one point, I was a daddy's girl.

The one day I tried to look girly, was the day I looked retarded cause i wasnt wearing me senior shirt on the last day of school.

I almost look like one of the popular kids.

again too much spare time, and fyi only Texas Roadhouse can get me to wear girly pants everyday to work.

 

Now tell me, who am I today

Subject Go figure
Posted Date: Sunday, June 04, 2006 - 10:54 PM

So I can't figure out why everytime i see someone that I haven't seen in awhile, they tell me one of these two things:

1. You look really skinny.

2. Have you lost weight?

Now i'm not really sure why, I tell them I still weigh the same as I always have, the only variation of maybe 5 pounds.

My mom said that i'm starting to lose some of my baby face.  I think maybe its just because everyone has known me as the athlete, so I was always in shape, and nearly all muscle.  Well I haven't done anything since soccer ended in the fall, but I did the same thing last year.  But something must be different I guess.  I just think maybe is cause i don't have as much muscle.  But meh... go figure, I don't know

But literally everytime, this happens, its weird to me. But i think people are melodramatic sometimes or whatever, they ask me if I weigh like 90 or 100 pounds, as if I'm a toothpick.  Granted for my height I should weigh about that. 

And that reminds me of something, I was finally able to prove something to a few people the other day.  This really tiny girl came into the bar.  I was talking to her, and she told me she was 4'9, well you see- people never believe me that I'm 4'11 (which I have been measured as consitantly every year since like 7th grade).  She was 4'9 and her driver's liscense said 4'11, hmm..... how weird i'm 4'11 and mine says 4'8.  (Fucking DPS are idiots, lol).  And for real people, I'm not a damn midget, so fuck off, I hate people that try to tell me that.  And yes I've looked it up.

This is a totally pointless blog, but I didn't have anything better to do.

Subject a matter of existance
Posted Date: Saturday, June 03, 2006 - 12:39 PM

I don't feel like I exist anymore.  Just a zombie walking around.  No one pays me any attention, i'm simply just there.  I can't remember the last time we had a real kiss or the last time we really had sex.  When was the last time that we cuddled on the couch, or me sitting in her lap when we're at the bar (or getting some sort of affection from her at the bar). It nearly killed me when I was asked if we were still together, "cause it didn't seem like it."

I feel so alone right now. I'm expected to do so many things, but its not a two way street. I don't get anything in return, not even a feeling of gratitude.  Does what I do make any difference. 

6/5/2006   We talked last night, I feel alot better about things.  And of course these helped: coming home to little post-it-note hearts everywhere (tv, mirrors, my laptop) and I love you written on our board.