Slipping Again

I find myself slipping again and again. Its the reoccuring theme of my life. Losing grip on my life and who I am. To simply put things I'm tired of everything. I begin relationships only to end them in a short amount of time, and in the end realizing that I can't do any better than these people. I have such great things, yet I throw them all away. I ask myself why, my answer is that I don't know. I don't understand myself, ever. I come off as the level-headed kid who is straight forward about what I want. When really, i'm the most insecure and scare person you'll ever meet. Oh wow how scared I really am. I wonder constantly if I'll ever one day finally get out of this depression that I'm constantly riding like a wave, with all the ups and downs. You think you've made it, but then you just come crashing down once more. There are days I think I'll never make through. I can't count how many times I've nearly driven myself off the road on purpose, or cut myself, or taken too many pills with hopes it would numb the pain. I long to understand my life. I'm always working to keep myself busy, to keep from thinking, but once the night is over I dread going home to an empty apartment. I sleep as long as possible to try an avoid the day. I am so used to being in darkness that I hate being outside. Can you please tell me how many times I've spoken of something similar to this, of course you can, numerous times.

Does it get old I wonder? The mood that I am in right now, is not a destructive one, but one that is blank. I feel myself drifting off into no where. I don't want to be here, not here in particular, but I don't want to be anywhere. I drive down the road, I don't feel it, I sit and watch tv, I don't feel it, I talk with people at work, I don't feel it. Things are happening with my life, but I don't feel it, I dont' feel apart of it, I'm merely just there. No emotion, just there. Sad thing is, no one is really around enough to notice how I am. But why would anyone want to dare and be apart of my life, when surely I've thrown them away before. Why dare and step on a landmine when its guaranteed to blow up. I am guaranteed to hurt you, why dare. Why stick around and see me fall to pieces, repeatedly. After awhile, people get tired of my bullshit, and stop coming around. Pushing people away is my defense mechanism, anyone that tries to get close, I get scared and won't let them in, I won't let go. So I push until eventually they disappear forever, but i never really wanted them to leave in the first place. I have secrets that only I know and I am terrified of anyone finding out.

If you've ever thought you knew me, you were never even close to the truth. I am a master manipulator and liar, I am a player in the sense that I know what people want to here, I am a broken-hearted fool who envies anyone that is happy. You see I am an amazing actress, I can make you believe anything and everything that comes from me. However, it all is based on truth, I just may twist it around to sound different or more intriguing to keep people from prying deeper into who I really am. And all of this comes from the simple fact that I am protecting myself, and putting on a facade to make sure you don't see the real me. The cold-hearted kid with a black soul, who drowns in her own misery.

I'm tired. Tired of living this life and tired of being me.

MYSPACE:

Subject: Blah
Posted Date: Friday, August 26, 2005 - 11:00 AM

The last few days I've been in a very blah mood.  Just comepletely out of everything I do.  My mind is out in space, while my body just sits there staring at the floor.  Perhaps its a side effect of the medications that I'm on, I do know that they make me feel all weird. Lets see the anti-inflammatories aren't doing a damn thing. The antibiotics and allergy pills are helping though.  I love being able to wake up in the morning and being able to swallow and speak properly.  But anyways, I need a normal job, thats what i've determined.

So it turns out that I get to go to school this year.  I was debating taking the year off, then ended up deciding to go. But since mom got remarried they would need his tax return, and he makes too much money, which means i wouldn't get any finanical aide. And in the end if i didn't get any financial aide, my mom wasn't going to pay for my school and even said that I would have to tell them that i was finding a new school.  Which she still can't comprehend the fact that this school is the only school for me.  But anyways, turns out that she got married after she filed the FASFA, so it doesn't affect this year. So i can validate. And i'll start back to school on Sept. 7th, yay.  

Ok, and for now i have to go get ready so i can go run errands and get my shit done. Laters.

MYSPACE:

Subject: hilarious
Posted Date: Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 3:52 PM
You know whats fucking hilarious, when my puppy and my cat play.  I've never seen a cat and dog play before. But they just chase each other around my apt. It cracks me up, its what they doing right now, and of course Draco is being loud as shit cause hes barking.  Its cute, you'd have to see it. Anyways i'm off to get ready for work, laters.

MYSPACE:

Subject: damn......
Posted Date: Tuesday, August 09, 2005 - 11:28 AM
I know I fucked up, I did.  But will she ever again be the girl that shows up at my door randomly at 3:30 in the morning just to see me.  Will she ever find time for me again, I mean will she ever want to find time for me again. I've been calling, IMed her today, knowing better, knowing that shes busy studying. Or I hope thats what it is, rather than her just not wanting to speak to me.I may have taken the title of girlfriend away, but with her I really do want to be with her. Meh... I'm going back to sleep now.

MYSPACE:

Subject: workworkwork
Posted Date: Saturday, August 06, 2005 - 3:08 PM
So i was supposed to have the day off today, nope the other barback got really trashed right now (side effect of too many jello shots), so she called me, sick, asked me to work for her. I'm not complaning cause i need the money.  But i had planned on going home tonight, hang out with my brother Brian cause i haven't seen him in forever. And then tomorrow my best friend growing up is having a baby shower, then directly after it i have to leave and come back up here and be at work at 6. Arggghh.... then i have to be up early the next day and go to work cause I have a doctors appointment at 2, so i have to go and get most of my stuff done beforehand.  The next few days are going to be long.   Well I have to get in the shower now, and go to work, LATERS

MYSPACE:

Subject: home
Posted Date: Thursday, August 04, 2005 - 9:02 AM

It feels good to be home, well as much of a home as it can be.  You know you're home when you go see your mom at the hospital (cause shes the lab director), and everyone there knows who you are and talks to you. You know you're home when you go get your oil changed and they ask how your brother is doing (cause he helped open the place). You know you're home when you stop at the gas station to get a pepsi and some candy, and the lady who works there asks where you've been cause she hasn't seen you in forever. You know you're home when you sit on your front porch out in the country and you can hear the diving board at the local pool where you grew up. 

Always an interesting experience to

MYSPACE:

Subject: around
Posted Date: Monday, August 01, 2005 - 10:42 PM

I'll be around, will you? I wonder sometimes, I don't think you're going to make it through.

Meh.... don't ask cause i'm not sure.

I continue to push away, but when will someone fight back and pull me closer. Catch me before I fall away forever, lost for eternity. Or is it already too late, i could already be there??

MYSPACE:

Subject: my anthems
Posted Date: Monday, August 01, 2005 - 2:31 AM

This is how i feel right now!!!!

 

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL:
"Saints And Sailors"

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

[Chorus]
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do, never.

[Chorus]

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving
and who do I think I am kidding
When I'm the only one locked in this cell?

[Chorus]

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

FROU FROU:
"Maddening Shroud"

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I love, you know, it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to track it in
Maybe it's time for me to throw...

Oh, I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

Sometimes I like to get away from the saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to track it in
Maybe it's time for me to throw...

Oh, I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go out
It is for real
We can walk about

I've got a good mind to throw it all away...

I used to want to know what life was about, Now I just wish it would end!!