My heart burns, but not in the acid reflux kind of way.  That flame of passion that I had seemed to have lost has been rekindled.  This anxiousness is soaking into my deepest core.  I have been reminded that there is more to this life, that I once wanted more than the menial existence.  Its become apparent to me that retail is killing my soul a day at a time, it was something that I used to enjoy.  Helping people has always been a part of me but when politics come into play and tell me who I have to be, I lose my sense of being.  I am meant for more that this monotonous way of life. The day in and day out work routine, it doesn't leave any space for any other action other than to eat and sleep.  If we are numb to the world then what is the point of living.  I want to thrive in a world that is constantly pushing me down telling me that I cannot be who I am.  I must conform, I must not stand out, I must not stand up for myself and what I believe in.  I think not.  That is not what I want.  I want to stand on top of the world and feel at peace, I want to feel proud for making it to where I have dared to venture.  I want to breathe. 

Following your dreams and passions are always harder than expected but thats part of what makes it worth it in the end.  The dilemma I'm having is how do I go about making things happen.   First off I know I need to get my passport.  Everyday that I go to work I want to quit but I struggle with it because I don't want to throw away everything that I've worked so hard to obtain.  Just like I used to be a packrat (a.k.a hoarder), I had such an issue letting go of anything, it all had such sentimental value.  But then I learned after moving several times how hard it was to keep holding on to everything, physically it was exhausting.  But if it has sentimental value its just that, you don't have to actually hold on to the physical aspect of it.  So the second part I know would be easy to let go off all my furniture, etc.  Everything except the essentials, which right now primarly everything that has any real value to me is already in storage.  I am perfectly content to backpack through the world quite literally. 

I've always said that if I ever lose my job the most justifiable option I could choose would be to join the military.  It has always been in the back of my mind, it has always been an option in the back of my mind.  But its just that, its in the back of my mind, its not something that I necessarily desire to do.  It would be a respectable choice.  But right now my soul is willing to throw everything away to quite literally live by the seat of my pants.  I can't find any logical reason to stay.  So the next step would be to lay out a plan.  Plane ticket, when and where.  Then I run into the money issue.  If I left my job would I be able to withdraw everything from my 401K, would I be paid out all of my sick days (that I'm pressured into not taking), would I be paid out all of my vacation days.  That would get me started atleast.  But once I'm where I want to be, would I find jobs here and there to make enough to make it to the next leg of my trip?  I guess thats part of the journey is figuring it out as you go along. 

Trying to figure out the future while in the here and now makes me extremely antsy.  I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins.  I get excited and hopeful in whole different way than I've felt in a very long time.  I look forward to figuring this puzzle out.  I look forward to discovery.



links for later:

http://www.couchsurfing.org

http://www.budgetglobetrotting.com/

http://traveltips.usatoday.com/clothes-packing-tips-backpackers-international-travel-1505.html

http://www.startbackpacking.com/travel/backpacking-packing-list/

The last thing I expected to feel right now is a little bit of hope, a little bit of passion, a little bit of life itself. Such a breath of fresh air.

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." -Marcel Proust

Even after all these years one thing still sticks out in my mind...... I am in love with the idea of love. I still struggle with the definition of this. I know it doesn't mean I'm a hopeless romantic, I know there is a difference. Yet what is it?

You get your crushes, sure. You get your heart ripped out, sure. You fall head over heels for someone, sure. You have those who will continuously hold a piece of your heart, sure. You get those who simply love you for the flawed person that you are, sure. There will always be those who have slipped through your fingers, sure.

Is it simply all of the above or none of it.

I miss that feeling of longing, that craving of another, but I don't want to classify that longing under a incomplete definition, of something that I don't fully understand.

I think it will always be a mixture of things, but maybe someone will solidify it for me one day.