Subject who would of thought
Posted Date: Friday, March 31, 2006 - 11:09 AM

i relapsed again last night.  I'm really hating this.

Subject In need of some assistance..... please
Posted Date: Monday, March 27, 2006 - 10:30 PM

So I want to get a new tattoo, its one i've been working on, well my entire life I guess.  I want something to represent me and my brothers.  We've been through everything together, with mostly just ourselves to rely on. Our last name is Jones.  I've had several ideas, but none that just stick and say "yes, this is the one, its perfect"  Yeah sure my brothers and I have had our ups and downs, but the blood that flows through our veins is the very same.  Its something I'd like to do with them, something each of us could get (well I'd hope they'd do it with me, i mean its the whole point of it).  The only direct object I can point out is a soccer ball, but somehow it doesn't fit right either.  And I thought of  triquetra, which does have different interpretations, but to me its mind, body, and soul and also on the showed Charmed it represented the power of 3 (of the 3 sisters).  But yet again it isn't fit quite right. 

So tell me, what do ya think, any ideas, leave me a comment here or whatever.  Leave pictures, words, ideas, etc. etc.  I'm open to any suggestions.

Subject words spoken----and heard
Posted Date: Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 9:44 PM

Stole this from Sean's aim profile:

"You change in front of me,

Your eyes get darker every day;

It happens quietly,

Your focus slowly burns away;

And if you let me hear,

The things you seem to want to say;

And though I am late,

I will wait to go,

Until I know you're somewhere safe;

And even if you chose,

To lock yourself away,

If I listen close,

I can almost hear you say:

"Once I was real,

Once I was somebody's child;

Once I could feel,

Some feelings once in a while;

Once I was here,

Once I was somebody's friend;

Once I appeared,

I will be real once again."

Subject come on you know you want to do it.
Posted Date: Wednesday, March 22, 2006 - 1:14 AM

So thanks to miss Amie for directing me to this site. lol cause like every other random quiz/cool site, i have to check it out, and no matter how hard i resist, i still end up doing it.

So go here, doesn't take but two seconds.  its actually pretty cool.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=GoneAstray

Subject my randomness
Posted Date: Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 1:43 AM

I'm not sure what to think anymore.

I simply don't know what to do anymore either.

Its all just a matter of circumstances.

I'm here in this moment, and gone the next.

Where am I to be tomorrow or the next day.

I quite simply am left not understanding a word that is spoken to me.

I have so many things left to finish, yet I don't see the point anymore.

Hmm... yeah Live Proud.

RANDY ROGERS BAND"
"Somebody Take Me Home"

Same old bedroom floor
Some old empty sheets
I hate this haunted bed
So down here is where I sleep

I tried to find a place
To hide what you had left
Somethings never change
My heart hasn't yet

I don't wanna go out tonight
Yeah but I can't be alone
Standing underneath this broke street light
Can somebody take me home
Somebody take me home

The hope that we had left
I wrapped around your ring
That river just rolled on by
When I watched it sink

I don't wanna go out tonight
Yeah but I can't be alone
Standing underneath this broke street light
Can somebody take me home
Somebody take me home

Out of this bar, out of this heartache
Out of this world, I just keep breaking down
I keep breaking down

I don't wanna go out tonight
Yeah but I can't be alone
Standing underneath this broke street light
Can somebody take me home
Somebody take me home


"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

I'm not doing so well lately. Family shit, or well shit with my mom..... like always. I hope someday I can finally put all of it behind me and be happy.

So normally I don't dream when I sleep, and when i do I don't remember them. Or if I do its been one of the few constant reoccurring dreams that i've had for as long as i can remember, and i mean down to every detail. But last night I had a dream about my teeth falling out, not all of them, my fake ones and my other two front teeth. They kept falling out and I swallowed one but it got stuck in my throat and I had to cough it up. I'm always afraid that will happen in real life. But anyways, when I woke up I remember people telling me that they have that dream all the time, like its almost as reoccurring as the falling dream. I had looked it up once, and did so again just now.

Teeth: Normally an unfavorable sign in a dream. It signifies displeasure and also shows that you are afraid of losing someone dear to you. To dream that you have rotten or decaying teeth, forewarns that your health and/or business is in jeopardy. You may have uttered some false or foul words and those words are coming back to haunt you. To dream that your teeth is lose, signifies failures and bad news.

Teeth: Teeth was the most requested dream word of all so here goes... If you dream of having false teeth this indicates that you will have unexpected help on a problem. To dream of rotten teeth shows that you have been telling someone a lie or using your smooth words for getting your own way no matter what. If your teeth are rotten, crooked, and/or falling out this means that your lies are hurting someone very badly and that you will soon be found out. If you dream you have swallowed a tooth you will soon have too 'eat your words'. It becomes much easier to interpret this kind of dream if you think of teeth as representing words. When the dreamer is not the one with the bad teeth you will naturally have to watch out for someone lying to you.

Teeth: Dreaming about teeth is very common in all cultures and age groups. Most dreams about teeth leave people feeling uneasy and anxious. Consider the overall content and context of the dream and note if you are having dental problems before making interpretation. Teeth usually symbolise power and/or control. Animals use their teeth for defence and nourishment and show their teeth when they are angry. Humans often display similar behaviours. Look and see if you are losing or abusing power and control in any area of your life (especially if you are losing teeth in your dream). Old dream interpretations say that dreaming about teeth is a bad omen that suggests financial difficulties.

Quite interesting eh? And true in a lot of perspectives.

Does the fact that I hope she cries when she reads that email, make me a horrible person? Hell I atleast hope she felt something when she read it.

Subject thoughts
Posted Date: Friday, March 03, 2006 - 11:33 PM

As i'm surely thought of in the retrospect of being called a shitdick. That sentence makes sense to me atleast.  But no, i've just been thinking of how i've been a shitdick (as i've been told) lately.  I have no response to it but to shrug my shoulders and say "yeah, you're right." I've always known that no matter how many times you can say sorry it never does make a differnce. The feelings that you've hurt, remain hurt, hearts injured.  The facts remain just as they are.  As they say, you can't change the past, its there set in stone. 

I regret nothing. I live fully in the moment. The negative side is that I don't think of the repercussions. As i've also been told i am selfish in that way. 

As of now i think of past events, recognize them as wonderful moments spent.  And as of now i see the tension between us, and that I hate. 

And again I say that I am sorry.  But I know it won't make a bit of difference.  Although I hope someday things will change and maybe somehow go back to normal, atleast a little bit.

An email that I just wrote my mom, after calling her and feeling worthless afterwards:

"Why do you always act like its such a big deal to talk to me. You're always so disconnected and act like you don't give a shit to be blunt. I can't talk to you simple cause you don't seem to care or want to know. When i try I just feel shot down. You don't know what I want out of life cause you don't care. Thats what I feel. What i've wanted more than anything, and i've thought it through. I want to move to florida, West Palm Beach specifically. There is another northwood campus there. I could easily transfer with this job, its the whole point of me getting it. But you don't seem interested in that either.

You're too consumed in your own damn life with you're new husband to care about me or my brothers. Its what I've always felt. Choosing a man over you're own kids. I sit here barely scraping by every day and you don't even know. You act like its such a hassle. Yeah i used to care about being careful about spending you're money. I became an adult far before i should have, and it wasn't fair to me, I never really got to be a kid. I figure why should I care when you didn't even give your kids the decency of knowledge of you getting married.

I want to move to florida, plain and simple. Price of living is a bit more, but i'll figure it out. Only thing left that I have to do is get an apt. which essentially would be easier if i went there. But i highly doubt flying or driving there will ever be an option. Seeing how I don't have the money and I don't you'll refuse to help me. Even though i do figure that you could, but you won't. You won't understand the reasons for me wanting to leave I know you won't. But you don't know much about my life so far. I do not want to be here anymore, in this state. I'm not running away from anything, I see it as what I need to do and what I want. I'd be better there. Yeah i know it'd be easier to stay here and go to NU here, but I'm through with those people, I just dont want to be here anymore, thats all I can really tell you.

But for the meantime i'll continue to watch my dreams slip farther and farther away. All the while knowing all I do is work and barely get by. And I can't tell you how disgusted I feel having to have you help me pay my rent, but theres no way i'm living in a dorm ever again and I really don't want to move home and feel like a loser all the time.

I'd like to know that you'd help me, but i know you won't. Dad doesn't seem to believe that moving is what I really want, I think he merely sees it as a fantasy or something. But like always he is naive. And I know he himself is not in the position to help me. But you however, still fairly newly married. With a husband that still has a condo in austin, and a 3 story cabin in angelfire, with trips to austin and san antonio, to california for a freaking football game (while going to universal studios, etc.), going on a cruise and going scubadiving and paying for scuba diving lessons, etc. Does that sum that up a bit?

While you get to live your new life, and not seeming to give a damn about me. Its ok, i'll continue doing what I do, everyday going by wishing there wasn't a next. I continously feel as if my life is rotting away, diminishing into nothing as if it never existed. Cause it never really feel like it has, I can't ever remember one single moment of feeling loved or knowing that one of my parents was proud of me.

Its so damn hard to communicate with you, its ridiculous.

So thats that I guess, me being honest and telling you how I feel for once. i don't think you'll help me or that Terry will help me. But I still see you as the only person in a position that can.

But for now I have to go to work.

------E"

Subject needs a good home.
Posted Date: Thursday, March 02, 2006 - 12:46 PM

Does anyone want my dog?  I'll try and explain later, but I just wanted to put that out there.  So let me know ok.