!!I've been thinking ALOT lately!! ~~About Rebecca and Michelle~~

Primarily about two people in my past, who I wish were a part of my life today. Over time I've drifted apart from one, and the other I moved away from because of complications between us and we needed time. For the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to stop thinking about these people, mainly one of the two (Rebecca).

The other is Michelle and I just keep having dreams about her and our friendship, and I've been recopying my poems into my spiral and alot of them are about her, and it has just brought up all of these feelings that I have pushed to the back of my mind. I just keep remembering how different I was then, than I am now. I've been trying to write her for about 2 months now, and I haven't been able to finish it, its a little more than a page, but everything I write just seems so meaningless. But I know it doesn't have to be meaningful, so I've just been updating her, I guess, alot has happened since I first tried to write her, so I'm going to have to rewrite it. Throughout this last year, Michelle and I have been friends, I guess you could say we worked things out, but basically what happened at the end of my sophomore year, we never talked about again. We started over everytime we saw each other we'd just stop and talk, not really any weirdness. Well I say that, everytime I've seen her, I just wanted to hug her and tell her I love her (just in general), but I was always afriad she'd take it the wrong way. But we still hugged and I told her I was proud of her a few times, cause it was the truth. Damn, as much as I think about it, I've never really gotten over her I suppose. But I haven't ever figured out if it was because I loved her and wanted a relationship with her, with all my heart, or because she was my best friend and I lost that and lost a part of me with it. I honestly think its the second one. But all I know is that I miss her dearly.

Ok and with Rebecca:
we've just grown apart over the last few months. Its weird though, here lately like seriously the last 2 weeks, everything has reminded me of her. Subconsciously I've been doing alot of things, like going to the Coffee Grinder, and well i've been doing this one thing since our first date (and the last week or so I've started drinking coffee at home), I always find Orion at night, no matter where I am, I find him, I say he is my watcher and my protector, so there is no need for me to be afraid (weird, huh). But the really weird thing is, is I get these weird signs. Like just the other day I was in the car and put on a cd, and one of the songs was one I downloaded because Rebecca put the lyrics in her blogger. And as soon as I got out of the car, I went in to my appointment at the oral surgeon, on the radio they played 4 songs in a row, all that Rebecca put in her blogger. Oh and you know the purple hippopatomus thing, someone asked me that the other day, it totally threw me off. And well everyday, I check my email about 3 times a day (cause I get alot of junkmail, and I always hope I'll get an actual email from someone), and well I check Rebecca's blogger about 5 or 6 times a day, seriously. Always hoping for an update, and usuall I'm disappointed. I know shes busy, but DAMMIT I MISS HER!! Oh another thing that has gotten me thinking about her, is I've had a few appointments in Cleburne, and we drive that way to go to my club soccer games in Plano, and we always drive past that one road, and I always look in that direction, thinking and knowing shes out there somewhere, I wonder what shes doing, I wonder how she is doing. It drives me up the wall. I'd call her, but I wouldn't know what to say, I'd email her, but once again I wouldn't know what to say. Well I did email her and I said: All I have to say in three quick words, I miss you.

Oh also, going over my poems, reminded me of her. I've been looking through alot of my old posts, and I've read about her, I've been looking through her old posts and read about me. I've read about us. Reading what went on between us, just everything. And I think about today, and wonder where she is, what shes doing, who she is with, what shes thinking about, how she is feeling. I miss it all. I miss our friendship. Since I've been home tonight, I've been reading alot of her posts while I was doing something else, and I realized something. I started to pull away from her last April, I was hurt I guess or more so disappointed that nothing worked out and didn't help the situation by being shy. After she broke up with me a week or so before my birthday, I couldn't stand to think of her, to see her login names, I didn't want to have anything to do with her, I think she knew this. Before that every song she had posted I'd copy it down and download it later. I stopped doing that back in April. The last month or so i've been meaning to go back and write them all down again, but for awhile it wouldn't let me get to a few of the pages. But today, oh glorious today, I went back through every single entry and copied down every single song, and date it was posted on (so that they can be in order). And actually the last few days, I've gone through her old sites and her current one, and copied each month and saved them onto my computer, I don't know why, but I guess I just want to keep reading through them cause it just says so much about her, and I learn something each time I read them, and I'm afraid she is going to delete them, so then I wouldn't be able to read them.

Wow that sounds really weird and obsessive that I did that, but I don't mean it to seem that way. Is it weird? I suppose I'm just weird about saving things, every conversation I have with someone, one of my friends, I save the conversation afterwards. Any emails I get, I save them. Lol I'm like with things off the net too, I'm a "pack-rat" as they say.

Anyways, yeah every playground I've driven past reminds me of her, I remember the night we walked and played on the playgrounds at her old elementary schools. Everytime I drive past big rocks and the soccer park in Cleburne, I think about her. But well it seems as if all these things remind me of her, of our past. But also I try to avoid the things that remind me of her, like I don't listen to Avril Lavigne hardly anymore, and I especially avoid that song, "thing I'll never say." I mean just the specific things like the songs we used to listen to, oh yeah I've also stopped posting lyrics too. Whenever I think about soccer season, I think about how it is going to be freezing, then I think about those two freezing games I went to to watch her play. But you know what I miss the most, listening to her talk, about everything. I miss her mind, the way she thinks is just so beautiful. I miss having her tell me about everything shes seen, read in a book, or experienced, its also just so wonderful and interesting. And also, I miss seeing her smile.

Damn, I just miss her so much, I miss our friendship, I wish she wasn't so busy, I'd love to see her or hear from her sometime. Hell if I knew it was ok, I just stop by her house on my way to practice someday (lol I doubt it would be ok though). You know what the main thing I keep thinking about, or wondering I should say, is if she ever thinks about me anymore? I assume she does every once and awhile, cause in her last post, she mentioned my name. But who knows, lol only she does. Oh and another thing I've been wondering, is I wonder if she still reads my blogger? I don't think she does, cause I get these updates every week, and it generally only says one person has been on it, and generally that person is me. I wonder how long it has been since she has gotten an update with me?

Someday, we will have time, someday.


Well its almost one in the morning and I'm quite tired from my game earlier today, and I have a game tonight (monday) at 8:30 in Plano, yay, fun. So I better go try and get some sleep, laters.

By the way, I love all of you.

!!COLLEGE!!

I'm still scared out of my mind, I'm not quite sure what to do. I mean I'm doing all of this on my own, the applications, choices of schools. Why can't my parents see that I need their help. So yeah saturday, I got an acceptance letter for the main college I want to go to. Its actually the only college I've applied to so far. Its Northwood University. I applied to their campus in Ceder Hill and in Michigan. I haven' heard anything back from the Ceder Hill campus yet. But yeah I got accepted I'm so excited. Plus yesterday I got two more letters from them, one a congratulatory letter, and the other was telling me that I am one of the receipiants of the school grants. Its for $3,000 each year I'm there. Now I have all of this excitement, and no one to share it with. No one in my family is excited for me. This is the main college I want to go to, and I got accepted to the campus I want to go to (in Michigan). Why can't they be happy for me for once, or atleast supportive. Its driving me insane, its like they're not helping me, and when I make decisions and get results I'm happy with, they're not happy. All of this is so frustrating. I want my mom to feel proud of me, its an acceptance to a great college. The look on her face when I showed her the letter, it well, it really hurt. She was like Michigan? And that was basically all she said. But the look said it all. I could tell she wasn't happy with it, ok I know its hard for parents to let there kids go, especially when its far away. But she just seemed as if she won't even give it a chance.

But yeah I don't know what to do, I haven't even really seen any other colleges that interested me, at all. I don't want to go to any of the big colleges. I just simply don't have good enough grades, or they don't have my major, etc. I want to play soccer in college, that is my other priority. Now accomplishing that priority is another huge step to take.

But to put it all simply, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone to help me or to support me. I'm definately scared.



!!Letter to Bree!!

So yeah whats up? Nothing much here, just writing in my good ol' blogger. And thinking. Oh by the way, I'm hoping you caught the meaning of my subject line. Yeah I'll be glad to be the one who the inside joke is about, anytime. Lol yeah I found out yesterday that someone shared the lovely news with you. My only curiosity is who it was, not that I really care. I actually think this whole thing is quite hilarious. Well anyways, hope I haven't scared ya off.

So how was your visit home? Good I hope. It was kind of funny how we had this big gathering like you'd been gone for like a year. Like I miss you, but at the same time its felt like no time has passed by at all, its craziness. Lol aren't you going to be home in like another 3 weeks. Speaking of college, I didn't tell you at lunch. I got accepted into that main college I've been wanting to go to, Northwood University, the campus in Michigan (I haven't heard anything back from the Ceder Hill campus). And yesterday I got another letter saying I was one of the receipiants for a $3,000 grant each year I am there. I don't think my mom thinks any of this is for real, but it is. No one in my family is really excited for me, AT ALL. Its frustrating. But yeah I'm excited.

Anyways, well as far as school soccer goes. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a complete bitch. I can't explain it, or come up with reasons or any of that. But the last 2 weeks have been horrible, and I tend to show it in soccer, its like as soon as I get done with the trainer and join the rest of the girls, I get really pissed off. And granted alot of things give me good reason to. I suppose I just perceive things differently than all of them. But also I think its just that I'm taking my frustrations with myself out on the field with me, where they don't belong. I want everyone to understand me, and how I feel and all that jazz, but every time I try I can't come up with the right words, we're just all so different. Ok, Ok I'm sure you don't want to hear about all my problems, so I'll stop, lol. Actually I'm just stopping cause I know it gets annoying sometimes.

So how's life Bree?

Well I must go try and work on some school stuff, so I'll talk to you laters.

Love always, Erin

!~!Gotta Love Step-Sisters!~!
My step-sister, Janelle, never ceases to amaze me. I've always known she wasn't stupid, and I knew she knew everything about me, we just never talked about it. But now we have. This was by far the most hilarious conversation ever, but it was also freaking awesome.


Life Sucks Without A Car! says:i support you
No one supports me says:lol
No one supports me says:thanks Janelle
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:lol
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:anytime
No one supports me says:yeah I'm just frustrated cause both my mom and dad don't really support me on the college I want to go to (the one I got accepted to), yeah just frustrated
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:which one?
No one supports me says:Northwood University, the campus in Michigan
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:those are good school...why dont they support that?
No one supports me says:I don't know
No one supports me says:cause its so far away I guess
No one supports me says:but its not like either of them are helping me find other schools or applying or any of that
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:thats dumb...when I'm your age its gonna be like a bolt of lightning(me leaving)!
No one supports me says:lol
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:I say if they arent helping you then who cares about what they think
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:its your life and your decision
No one supports me says:true
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:they should resepct that
No one supports me says:yeah
No one supports me says:my mom does, but my dad doesn't
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:he dosent respect anyone but expects them to respect him
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:it drives me crazy
No one supports me says:lol that is so true
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:everyday...its like they same show, differnt channel
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:different*
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:the*
No one supports me says:I would go insane if I had to live with him
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:o i am
No one supports me says:lol
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:lol and yet its so true
No one supports me says:yepyep
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:If I was to tell you that I know something about you would you promise that you wouldnt get mad that I know?
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:by the sound of silence you are giving me I take it you know what I'm talkin about
No one supports me says:oh sorry I went down staies
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:I've known since last year and I swear on my grave that I have no plan on telling your dad or anyone for that matter
No one supports me says:stairs
No one supports me says:lol Janelle I know you are not stupid
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:yes
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:finally someone sees it!
No one supports me says:lol
No one supports me says:lol yeah I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:It's cool with me and I say do whatcha wanna do and have fun doing it
No one supports me says:lol
No one supports me says:you have to tell me what you know, just so I know you got the whole story right
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:will do.....
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:I know that you and miranda were going out for a long time and that would make me assume that you are bi.
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:like I said, i found out last year and thats when you were with her and I know yall have been broken up now for a while.
No one supports me says:yepyep I knew you were that smart, yep bi. did you just figure this out on your own, or have people told you things?
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:well, i had speculated and then I saw pictures of that haunted house yall went to last year and in one you and miranda were holding hands. so I asked ashley mathews about it and she said yall were going out.
No one supports me says:oic
No one supports me says:lol I don't remember that picture, but ok
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:yup
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:I just thought you would like to know that I know and that you dont have to worry cuz its cool with me and I'm here for you whenever you might need me and that I dont judge people. I have a lot of bi freinds and whatnot. I know I'm younger but if you ever need to talk or need help with something I'm here, so don't be afraid to tell me anything. Just for the record...what is said between us,
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:stays between us. I figued you knew that but I'm just reassuring you
No one supports me says:yeah I knew, awesome, I'm here for you too
Life Sucks Without A Car! says: coolness
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:well, i gotta go eat dinner! yummy!
No one supports me says: lol alright, talk to ya laters
Life Sucks Without A Car! says:buh-bye!

**OPEN FOR DISCUSSION**

Ok so tell me people, why should I trust all of ya'll? Lol I'm not saying I don't, but honestly think about it. For friends trust just comes automatically, right? Then if one of your friends does something that causes them to become less trustworthy in your eyes. Thats just a given thing too, right? Lol I think with every friendship, trust is gained and lost, and then gained again. Now all of ya'll truly amaze me. Ok I understand that I am quite daring to put my journal on the internet so that all can read. And I simply don't care, thats part of the reason I did it, so people could get to know me better. But you see the part that gets me, is when my life comes open for discussion between my friends. I love each of you dearly, but think about it, if you had a journal or diary you wouldn't want the things you wrote about to be talked about, now would you? Ok now don't think I'm mad or anything, cause I'm not, I actually find all of this amusing. Ok and right now the main question on my mind is, who keeps going around telling people things about my blogger, that those certain people don't need to know about??? Lol yes, like I've said a million times before, I find out about everything. Now right now I am currently in the middle of an ongoing inside joke, about me liking or having a crush on a certain someone. I find it quite hilarious, now that I've found out, cause these people were joking about it, right in front of my face, and I didn't even know it. Really, its funny. But back to being serious. Why should I trust any of ya'll, when I know some of ya'll are going about telling people about my private life. You should feel honored enough to know that I love and care about each of you so much that I allow you to see so deep into my life. And I don't mean that to sound conceited or bitchy or anything. This blogger, is my purely and simply, just me pouring my heart and soul out. Every thought, every moment that means something to me, goes into this journal. Please Recognize this, and please respect that. And please respect my privacy, cause if I choose not to tell someone something, then it is generally for a really good reason.


~~Not doing so great lately~~

*Soccer*
Yeah you can ask anyone around me lately, how I'm going. And most likely they'll say that I've been acting weird for that I'm always pissed off. Yes its true. I'm back in this stage that I was back in GR. And it really aggravates me. I'm always depressed, stressed out, and I'm really irritable. The one thing that is suppsed to always give me pleasure, is soccer. Yet the last two weeks in class have been absolutely horrible. I go to the trainer and get my stuff done as soon as I can, then I finish getting dressed and hall ass to the weight room or to Ralph. Everytime I've been down to the field I've felt as if we've gotten nothing done, theres too many damn people to get anything done. I guess I just get really pissed, cause I need to be improving, my skill and all that, yet I feel like I'm back playing when I was 4 or something. Its just so frustrating, and I can't get anyone to understand. And plus well I don't feel as if I'm part of the team anymore. I mean cause I've been in the trainer basically since school started, and so everyone else is together more, growing closer. And I'm left out, on the outside. And oh man, does it drive me crazy, whenever I get down to Ralph or the weightroom, I probably stand there like 10 minutes until one of the coaches notice me. It pisses me off so much, cause they should notice each and every single person. But theres just too many damn people in our class (40 girls atleast). The only thing I feel proud of, is the fact that I have the top max on bench, 135 lbs. Hell Yeah. Lol it may not by that much to anyone else, I probably could have done more, but I have to stay cautious so that I don't hurt myself. But yeah knowing that I beat everyone else on that, just gives me this pure satisfaction. But when it comes to playing on the field, we always do these drills, and I never feel we're getting anything done. Ok and on friday we had 3 different teams, and we were just scrimmaging. Well I get out there, and well I got put on the team that is primarily made up of last years varsity team. Well yeah my team was being ridiculous, they were acting like a bunch of little bitches (lol I've determined that, that is my new saying). Seriously they were, they were being arrogant, and acting like they were better than everyone. Ok now I have to say this, we may be better skill wise and all that and we may be older than the rest of them, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. Its doesn't, just because your older and all that doesn't mean anything. Every girl that is out there on that field, deserves respect, they only be giving half there effort, they may have never played before, or they may be younger, but dammit they are out there with us, playing. They are still a part of our team, there is no seperate teams, as far as I'm concerned. Everyone that is out there, makes up our soccer program, they are out there doing something, and the one thing I believe most, is you shouldn't talk shit about someone that you play with. So what if someone elbows you, or trips you, guess what, you're playing soccer, stuff happens. Or well as people say SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT. You're going to get hurt, things are going to be unfair, deal with it, JUST PLAY. Thats all I'm out there to do, is play ball, I don't need anyone's bullshit or their drama, I just want to play.

Ok an another thing with soccer, this has to do with club. When you are playing a game, you are playing a game. Just because you're losing, and you're playing short of people, doesn't mean you should act like a dumbass. Yeah I'm kind of pissed at a few of my players because the last half of our game, they started acting like dumbasses, and goofing off. And another thing, if you are going to play a sport, please don't smoke, it shows when you play, several of these girls could be so much better if they didn't smoke. Ok and yeah one more thing, don't get drunk the night before you have a game. Yeah that really pisses me off, when my players have hangovers. I'm just sitting there thinking, and you wonder why we suck.

*School*
Ok so yeah the last two weeks at school have sucked ass, bad. The first week I blame on pms, for the first time I was having really bad mood swings. And well I just haven't been able to concentrate at all, even though I knew what I needed to do, and how much I needed to concentrate, I just couldn't seem to find it within me to do it. So yeah basically I have some really crappy grades for the last two weeks. But after having my teachers and my coach come up to me and say something about it, it kicked me back into gear. Well for the most part it did. Yeah let me tell you about thursday and friday. Ok thursday I was supposed to have practice, but we didn't because it was storming once again. So as planned I went over to Ashley's, and I ended up staying there till around 8:30. Well when I went to leave I couldn't find my keys. So we searched the whole house and looked inside my car, and we still couldn't find them. So for like an hour 1/2, Audrie, Ashley and I (mainly them though), tried to get my door unlocked with a coat hanger. But the type of lock I have, the hanger just slid right over it. We finally gave up, and Audrie just took me home. Ok and now I have to say, everything was in my car, my money, soccer stuff, and all of my books and homework. And I was actually going to do my homework too. So well, the next day I had to go without all of my stuff. For English I didn't need any of it, cause we just worked on a paper, and we were supposed to read a book (but I'd already finished it). Now for soccer I just so happened to grab my old cleats. But still I had no shin-gaurds. And when I got kicked right in my shin, I got really pissed, cause it reminded me of not having any of my stuff. Yeah I have two big bruises from that, and it still hurts. Ok so anyways, in accounting I didn't need any of my stuff cause I just had to finish a test, and then we plated jepordy. Which cheered me up cause I answered two questions that made our team win, well we would have won with another team didn't get a daily double for 4,000 points. Then economincs came. Wow, I got really pissed again, the one class I definately needed my stuff for. We have been doing these journals, which are basically just defining stuff for certain chapters, its really easy, and I had done it all. Well it was locked in my car, so I didn't have it for class, so yeah I got a zero for a quiz, I wasn't too happy. Then we played Clue, sort of clue, lol. It cheered me up, my group got a 100 on it.

So after school I go to Ashley's, about 2 weeks ago I had found this button in my glove box, and I though maybe it was a power-lock button. So I open it and find out what type of battery it was, then went to wal-mart and bought batteries. Came back, and fixed the buttom, I got it to work, but it didn't go to my car. So I had to call the locksmith, he said it would be 45 minutes till he'd be there, and that it would be $30. So I went to dads, I parked, and as soon as I got out of the car, mom called, then dad told me to move my car (which was still running, cause I was just going to go in and get what I needed and leave), and so i had to turn down my radio, and move my car and talk to mom at the same time. Mom and I got into a small fight, then after we got off the phone I was really aggravated. I was going to borrow $10 from Janelle, cause I only had $20. But she left while I was on the phone. So I asked dad if he had money, and of course he didn't. And he got on my nerves, so I snapped at him, and left. Ashley's mom paid the locksmith. Yeah my keys were no where to be found in my car, so we searched the house again, and they ended up being down insided one of the chairs, where they'd looked several times. But ya know, I knew I wasn't dumb enough to lock my keys in my car, lol. So yeah, then the rest of the night, was decent I guess. Saturday morning, Audrie calls me at 7:30 in the morning, I was so pissed. Cause it was my one day to sleep, she said Ashley's mom needed her money by 12:00 (I hadn't been able to pay her back cause the GR atm wouldn't work, and mom doesn't want me to use the atm in Granbury). So yeah I'm feeling like shit, literally, my head was throbbing, and I couldn't breathe, and my throat hurt. So I called Jan, and I gave her the address and all that, she calls me back an hour later tells me she couldn't find it, so I gave her directions that time. Then maybe 45 minutes later Bree calls me (but I knew she was going to call around then, so it was ok). Then I laid there for like 30 minutes and couldn't go back to sleep, so I took a shower, when I got out I had a text message from Ashley (which turned out to be from her mom), basically saying I hope you're happy cause now I have a bounced check. So I called Jan to make sure she took it, I called Ashley, and told her where it was, they found it and everything was cool.

Then I went and ate lunch at 1:00 with Bree, Nikki, Kim, Miranda, and Ann N' Jules. I had a blast, it was good to see Bree, even though it hasn't been that long. Well after that, I went over to Ashley's, then we ended up running errands with Audrie. Then Ash and I decide to go to my house so I could change clothes (which she ended up picking out). Yeah earlier at her house, we wanted to go do something, and then Audrie wanted to go do something. Then Ash told me they couldn never decide on what to do, and told me to decide, so I was like ok lets go bowling, she didn't say anything, she just text messaged Audrie and told her. So that was our plan. And then we kept calling Ann N' Jules, to invite them, and Nikki too, cause she was with them. We invited Miranda. And later we ended up picking up Nina. So we go, and I have $50 right. Well I'm not sure what happened to it. Nikki gave me $8, and I paid for me and the other dollar of hers, so thats technically just $10 gone. I had $14 of Ashley's, I gave her a $20 to pay with, and got $2 back. So technically thats $4 gone. I bought a drink for $1.25, I spent like $3 on games. Other than that I can't think of anything else i spent money on. Ok, ok I figured it out, I did end up with the right amount of money, I just had to sit and think it out. Ok so anyways, we are having a blast bowling, which it only ended up being Ann, Nikki, Ashley, and I. We were all having a blast, then it felt like when Audrie and Miranda came, everyone started to take off their shoes, and I was like what are ya'll doing. Yeah I was mad, cause I paid money to bowl, and we only bowled one game. Then everyone just walked outside besides me, Miranda and Nina. I felt like everyone bailed on me. And thats happened to me all my life, and it just made me feel like shit. And I know none of them could have known that, but still. Plus, yeah it aggravates me when someone is high while hanging out with me, cause it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough to make them happy, does that make sense? So yeah after i play some video games I got Nina and we left. Well as i was backing out Miranda tried to talk to me, I heard her calling Jason, and theres only one reason she'd be calling him. Then she tried to deny she was calling him, and that made me mad. Audrie yelled at me, and I didn't find out until later what she said, something to the fact of I don't need to be mean to Miranda. Which I wasn't being mean to her, by the way. But yeah I stopped and gave Ashley her cds and I left. Nina and I went to the park and hung out there cause she didn't have to be home till 12:00. Oh just so all of you know, I appreciate the way ya'll treated Nina when we were bowling, I could tell ya'll were trying to help her feel comfortable, and I mean that seriously, not sarcastically. Thank ya'll for trying, thats the one thing that kept me from being so mad after I left. But yeah the main reason I was mad, was cause I was just reminded of past experiences of when people bailed on me. Pain doesn't feel good, we all know that.

But anyways... Ok its like 1:00 in the morning and I still have to finish an English paper and some economics vocab. so I better go. I'll write more tomorrow. Laters.

!!Conversation I had with Gina earier. I just want to tell her, if only she knew the other half of it.!!

Country Thuggin' says:howdy
Country Thuggin' says:It's Gina
Respect Originality says:hey
Respect Originality says:what are you doing?
Country Thuggin' says:Writting a letter to kear
Respect Originality says:awesome
Respect Originality says:what have you done this weekend?
Country Thuggin' says:yea... we talk alot about soccer
Country Thuggin' says:Soccer games!
Respect Originality says:cool
Country Thuggin' says:you think he will not want to hear about socceR?
Respect Originality says:lol thats what I write him about, lol well actually I write to him about everyone in soccer, and everything that I have going on, so I'm sure he doesn't really care, he appreciates anything you write him about
Country Thuggin' says:yea, I am just talking to him about wanting to play College ball and stuff
Respect Originality says:coolcool
Country Thuggin' says:
yea, I really want to play College ball.. but I just dont think I have the skill level
Respect Originality says:why do you say that?
Country Thuggin' says:it's true.. I cannot dribble to save my life.. i don't do 1 v. 1
Respect Originality says:you've still got plenty of time to focus on all that
Country Thuggin' says:yea well
Country Thuggin' says:I know I can't get into were I WANT to play... and that kills me
Respect Originality says:where, A&M?
Country Thuggin' says:Texas A&M.....
Country Thuggin' says:yup!
Respect Originality says:I went to camp there this summer, and you have to have as much soccer skills, but more so academically than anything, its a hard school to get into, I want to play college ball to, but I'm only trying to focus on a good college that happens to have a good team
Country Thuggin' says: is a problem though....
Country Thuggin' says:yea.. I am also thinking like DBU or somethign
Respect Originality says:DBU?
Country Thuggin' says:Dallas Baptist Univ.
Respect Originality says:oh, thats cool
Respect Originality says:I've never heard of it
Country Thuggin' says:University of Texas too
Country Thuggin' says:even though I am an Aggie
Country Thuggin' says:I would play there
Respect Originality says:lol yeah I know how it is, I've been an aggie all my life
Country Thuggin' says:good team
Country Thuggin' says:UT?
Respect Originality says:yeah
Respect Originality says:the way I look at it, is that I want the best education but I also want to pursue my passion for soccer at the same time, doesn't matter where its at I just want to keep playing
Country Thuggin' says:Diddo.. but *think* If they offereed you the chance to try out for there team... I would take it
Country Thuggin' says:yea
Respect Originality says:yeah definately
Country Thuggin' says:so.. off of soccer.. whats up?
Respect Originality says:nothing much really I guess
Respect Originality says:just trying to survive lol
Country Thuggin' says:same here... AP Economics is getting me!
Respect Originality says:I didn't know you were in AP
Respect Originality says:yeah economics and accounting are killing me, but its just cause I can't seem to keep focus on any of it
Country Thuggin' says:why? Hey are you back with Shanina?
Respect Originality says:I know you think we are, but we're not
Respect Originality says:I just can't seem to focus on it, its one of my stages that I get into sometimes
Country Thuggin' says:Oh, i was just wondering...
Country Thuggin' says:I know how you feel.... i can get like that, but then everyone does..
Country Thuggin' says:Economics is the worst.. right after a hard W/O in soccer
Respect Originality says:yeah
Respect Originality says:don't you have Mrs. Lowry?
Country Thuggin' says:yup
Respect Originality says:thats what I thought
Respect Originality says:i wonder how much different your class is from mine
Country Thuggin' says:i hate her
Country Thuggin' says:what are you guys studying?
Respect Originality says:lol good question, umm...
Respect Originality says:oh yeah partnerships and that stuff
Country Thuggin' says:ewww.
Country Thuggin' says:boring
Respect Originality says:lol all of its boring, I've already taken this class during the summer
Country Thuggin' says:We are studying Supply and Demand... Quanity vs. Price... Stuff like that it's hard.. I will let you do my homework!
Respect Originality says:meh... that was easier for me, sure I'll do it anytime
Country Thuggin' says:ok... if you wanna
Respect Originality says:lol just give it to me and I will
Respect Originality says:actually it would probably help me focus
Country Thuggin' says:maybe.. did you take AP?
Respect Originality says:no, I just took it at hill college, and now I'm taking it at high school
Country Thuggin' says:I have an 83 in there right now... So I am hanging in there
Respect Originality says:thats good
Country Thuggin' says:yea I guess... So, why have you been in a bad mood for the last couple of days?
Respect Originality says:depressed
Respect Originality says:and stressed
Country Thuggin' says:tell me about it...
Country Thuggin' says:Why are you depressed?
Country Thuggin' says:I am here to talk to.. All Ears
Respect Originality says:its hard to explain really, I just get really depressed sometimes, without reason, but other times I just get really lonely and feel like I have no one, and for some reason I start to pull away from the people that I do have
Country Thuggin' says:look..... You don't need a guy/girl to make you happy. I think sometimes you try to force love on people who aren't ready yet. Just let it be and what happens, happens. I promise things will work out.
Country Thuggin' says:For better or for worse,
Respect Originality says:I know that
Country Thuggin' says:I am not trying to sound mean... just trying to help
Country Thuggin' says:*Brb*
Respect Originality says:I know, I didn't mean that to sound mean
Country Thuggin' says:I know, I was just saying.. but do you see what I mean?
Respect Originality says:so you say I've tried to force love on people (like who?)
Country Thuggin' says:I dunno... Maybe not force it.. but hang on to it for too long..
Respect Originality says:who are you referring to?
Country Thuggin' says:Miranda, Nina... Jeannie...
Respect Originality says:theres nothing to hang on to
Country Thuggin' says:but.. it just seems to make you unhappy... and I don't like it when you are unhappy. Now, you just seem to be reserved... I remember the old you... Like last year when we could talk about anything
Respect Originality says:true
Country Thuggin' says:Well... I gotta go to be now.. We can talk more tomorrow if you would like.. but I need to shower and study some.. So I will see you tomorrow?
Respect Originality says:alright
Country Thuggin' says:adios
Respect Originality says:goodnight
Country Thuggin' says:Peace.. go to bed early tonight.. get some rest!

!!Busy, Busy, Busy!!

Like I said nothing seems to slow down. Well I suppose it has a little, or is it the fact that I seem to be daydreaming through it all. I can't quite seem to figure out why I have this constant need to sleep during class, no I don't techincally just go into a class and lay down my head and go to sleep. I like to say that I am a partial narcoleptic (and yes I don't know how to spell that). I can fall asleep anytime, anywhere, any place, literally. Its not even funny. I keep finding myself asleep in all of my classes except soccer. Its really starting to irratate me, I mean I have to be focused on my classes. I have to make the best grades I can, yet what is my average, its a fucking 70 something in 2 of the 3 real classes I have. Its ridiculous, but yet I don't know what to do about it. I can't seem to get out of this funk that I'm in. I swear I'm about to go crazy. I mean its not the fact that I don't understand what I'm doing, cause well I do understand it all, its just the fact of paying attention to what I have to do, and well actually putting my mind to it and doing it. I don't really need a tutor, yeah I should go in early and catch up on my accounting and economics class. Cause well I can't seem to focus in either class, and well I was so unbelievably stressed out on wednesday that I just didn't go to school, I stayed home. I think it helped taking the day off, but then again when I came back to school I was even more behind in my classes.

So yeah I am exhausted right now, I've been working my ass off at soccer. And well with english too, I've been doing some serious reading. I love my english class, cause well I love to read first of all, and well if you know me well enough by now, you should know that I love to write. Lol I mean come on isn't it obvious. One of my main passions for the last what 7 months I guess, has been writing. Not to really vent or anything like that, it just simply is something I like to do. Just to write, usually its really detailed on what I do, other times I'm just to damn tired to. I've found myself thinking lately, wow I should right I have alot to say, but then I remember that I don't have the time. The one main thing I want to write about I can't, details and all, simply cause I can't trust people with it. Isn't it funny how you should be able to trust your friends, and you truly believe that you can, but the at a different moment you find out your friends has been talking crap about you. It doesn't make me mad or anything, I just find it to be quite hilarious. I mean don't you see, why I don't trust people, why I can't depend on someone else. Another thing I find funny, is when people make assumptions about you, and they're completely off. Yes, quite funny. Why do people feel they have to have the need to be involved in someone elses life, why do they feel they need to know everything about someone else's life, just so they can have something to talk about. My life, is it really all that interesting. Why do people feel they need to discuss my life, when will they stop being afraid to actually talk about their own lives. Atleast thats the way I see it, is that everyone is more afraid of themself than anything in the world, and talking about it, is even that much more scarier. Why is it that way? I'm not quite sure. I just know that I'm tired of two-faced friends, and especially those who lie to me (and yes there is more than just ONE person, and trust me that other person knows who they are). Why do people think they can get away with lying, I don't understand it. Especially when they lie to me, don't they realize I can tell when they are lying to me, right then and there I can tell. Its not a fact of finding out from someone else later, I know they're lying to me right then. I think this is funny also, but its also really irritating.

I mean come on think about, think about all the problems we have in the world, where do they come from. They come from our own human flaws, our own selfish need to be on top, our own need to feel more powerful than someone else, the need to feel compelled that they have to lie. Don't people realize that once you lie, you continue to lie, and then you have to make up new lies to cover up the first lies, and then it just begins to be this endless chain of lies. You can never escape from them, either, mentally you will always know that you lied. But yeah think about it, all of the murders, drug deals, starvation, thirst, bombings, ozone problems, etc. I mean think about it, theres just an endless list of horrible things, that are the consequences of human's stupidity. Do people not realize this, or do they just choose to ignore it because they're to lazy to fix the problem?

But yeah sometimes I really don't understand people, and the actions that they make, every person is just so stupid an arrogant in their ways. None of them think that the actions that they make will have any affect on anyone but themselves. By the way nothing brought this on, I've just been thinking about this lately. Ok well the fact that my friends have been lying to me, and being two completely different people sometimes, well it is quite aggravating.

So yeah well, I'm exhausted, I just woke up from a 2 1/2 hour nap, and I've been awak from about an hour an a half, and well I'm starting to get really tired again, so I'm going to go now. I'll try and write more later this weekend. Ok so laters.

??Why does this make you speechless??

Ok so yeah I actually wrote that last entry about 6 hours ago. But I've been busy applying for Northwood University on the internet (for their campus in Ceder Hill and in Michigan), and I had to re-register for the SAT and ACT. Its all just stressing me out. College, school, soccer, oh yeah and no job. Oh yeah I haven't wrote about it yet, I found out at work on saturday that as of yesterday I'd have no job. How I found out, not from my boss, no, but from the new schedule. What did they not think that I would see it or what. Yeah my name was no where to be found on the new schedule. And what was really funny about it all, was the fact that they made me sign this paper, that had several things of what not to do, and if we did them we could be fired on the spot. Now a few of the things were, do not turn on the radio to listen to rap and it can only be on in order to listen to the weather in case of emergency, Do not sleep on your shift, Do not play games on the computer or change the screensaver. Those were basically all of the ones that involved me, now the rap music wouldn't have happened, but the other girl I work with, Laura, turned it on one day, then we listened to it again another day. Now I only played games on the computer because we had just got brand new ones (this happened about a month ago), and I was just checking them out, and that was all. Nothing bad happened while doing it either. Ok and the screensaver, was last weekend, I changed it because the screen kept turning off and I thought maybe it would stop it (lol or well thats what I said anyways, I do know how to keep the screen from turning off but I didn't do that, we were just bored so I messed with it), once again nothing bad happened while doing it. Oh yeah and the sleeping thing, now if you know me, you know that I can fall asleep anywhere anytime. But on these occasions I was on pain killers which would make me extremely drowsy.

So yeah... what I found funny was that my boss goes "this is a serious matter, the computers went down twice this week already." And I wanted to go, so what the fuck your blaming me for something that happened during the week, when I wasn't even here, whats up with that. And if I did fuck up the computer, it would have happened when I did it. I can tell you why the computers went down, its cause you've got a fucking 74 year old senial woman working for you, thats why, she calls a calculator and adding machine. Whoa... can we say anger managment, lol. Sorry that woman I'm referring to is Maud, shes an evil bitch. All she does is talk shit, seriously, I'm not even exaggerating. Ok sunday, I was ringing up someone with a credit card, when I typed in the amount, which was $14.76, I typed it in too fast and had already pressed enter, I rung them up for $4.76 instead. Now I asked the person if I could see their card again, and I told them what I did, and it was no big deal, I pointed it out to Maud, and she acted like nothing happened. Now 2 seconds later when the new boss came in, Maud started to flip out, and was like "whoa what did you do, it couldn't have messed up, what did you do?" And I looked at Trish and I explained it to her very calmly, and I was like its not a big deal, I just typed it in too fast. Nothings wrong. I didn't really realize that Maud had done that, until Laura told me that later. Maud had done something similar to that to me earlier in the day too. So yeah I know that any sort of simple mistake I've made, Maud has gone and told my boss. Nothing of what she has done wrong, or any mistake Laura has made, just me. She simply doesn't like me because I'm the only one who will stand up to her, and not ignore the fact of how rude she is. Yeah Laura has done the exact same things I've done, but Maud leaves her alone. Now ok, here we go about Maud: Whenever shes is eating candy, like peanut butter M&Ms to be exact, I've seen her do this like 4 times, whenever some little kids come up to the counter, shes like "do you want any candy? I have some peanut M&Ms here, do you want some?" Then she literally takes some candy out and gives it to them. It scares the shit out of me. And yesterday at work, this man was sitting in the little lobby area with his baby, and it started to cry, so he stood up and started to bounce it, to get it to quiet down. Then Maud gets up and hobbles her way over, and goes "let me see your baby." And I was like WHAT THE FUCK. The man just kind of looked at her, and I can't figure out why he handed over his baby. I know he was probably in shock and was just being nice to her. His wife gave him a really weird look like a minute later when she took her baby back from Maud.

Everyones nice to her, simply cause shes an old woman, and you HAVE to respect old people. Yeah I would never hand my baby over to her, or let my kids take candy from her. Shes so damn scary, you don't understand. Shes exactly like Mimi from the Drew Carey show, no joke, except without as much makeup, and shes older. Ok so heres the story on Maud, she never had a job until she was 65, she is now 74, the park store opened 9 years ago, guess what this job was Maud's first job. Now well, her husband is dead, which I think he died when Maud was 64 or something like that. He had to of died for her to get a job. He whole life she never had a job, she just depended on him. Now what could she have done during that 65 years, guess what, gossip. Hmm... talk shit and have tea parties with her friends. Guess what, shes still talking shit. Thats all she knows how to do. Yeah to prove my point farther that she hates me. Ok example, yesterday Kathryn came in and asked if we had any popcorn, I told her no, that we had sold it all the day before. As soon as Kathryn walks away from me, closer to Maud, Maud tells her to go in the back and look. I didn't realize that either, Laura told me. I was like what the crap. Maud has done this several times with me. It all just makes me so mad, because Peggy (my boss) was so gracious to hire me on the spot, because her friend Liz (my neighbor) talked so highly of me. And now all she has been hearing about me is negative feed back. And I hate for Peggy not to like me, or not to think I'm a good worker or whatever. I really do hate it for people I care about to not think highly of me. I do work hard for Peggy, I am a good person, and I am for damn sure good at that job. I hate for people to be disappointed in me. I would have left so many times at this job, but I didn't because I knew it would hurt Peggy, and the other people I work with, except Laura would look down on me. I like those people. Damn old woman, I can't stand her. All she does is butt into people's business when their just trying to find something to buy. Theres a difference between being a good salesperson and being nosey.

Ok so wow, gee can you tell I really can't stand that woman. Thank God I won't be working with her ever again. However... not having a job really pisses me off, and stresses me out even more. I applied at Chili's last tuesday, and saturday night I applied at Chicken Express. I need a job throughout this year, a good job, I need money for gas and all that jazz. I need to be able to save money so I'll actually have some to pay for college. Northwood costs lik $13,500 a year, and that doesn't included living and all that. So yeah needless to say I've got a bit more stress on me.


!!!Bree!!!
Ok so yeah its no lie. I really really miss Bree alot right now. We became really good friends over the summer, and now I wont see her until the holidays. And also to be honest, ok and I know it might sound like I'm lying about things I've said in the past. But I don't think I've lost those feelings for Bree, I mean 97% of it I just like her as a friend, but the other 3% are well I guess those feelings I wish I had for other people, or well I wish the qualities that I see in her I wish were in someone else that I could date. There are certain things that she did, that I really miss, like the way she brushed her hair, or the way she put it up. Or riding in her car, or eating lunch with her after school, or the way she always wore socks no matter what she was doing. But most of all I miss her smile, seriously. She has such a beautiful soul though too. Thats mainly what it is, I miss her soul, how shes so happy and content with herself all the time. Yet when shes scared or nervous about something she'll tell me. Like how nervous she was about moving, and well shes actually wrote me an email about all that. She tried calling me yesterday but I was still at work. I do, its only been a week, and I miss her dearly. I've found myself doing things that remind me of her, like eating pops and listening to weird music. Yeah I miss her alot. I miss my friend.


~~SARA~~
I miss her alot too!! I've been listening to her cd like constantly since I got it, I finally took it out the other day, cause I didn't want to get burnt out on it, but I still have the lyrics running through my head. Oh did I tell you? She wrote me a song last week before she left, she sand it to me over the phone while playing the guitar to it. It was awesome, I really enjoyed it. She left thursday to move to washington, she didn't pass her driver's ed test again, but I guess her dad was just talking crap about not letting her go if she didn't pass, but really he didn't have a choice because she had to start school, and her school in Hawaii had already started. So yeah she called me saturday, but I was still at work, it bummed me out, but she left me her number where shes staying. I went to wal-mart that night after the movies but I forgot to get a phone card. So maybe tomorrow after school I can swing by and get one before I go to practice. Lol I'm wanting to go do something that reminds me of her. I got my check from work today, but the banks were closed of course, so I'm going to get it cashed in the morning or after school. I'm planning on going to Borders before practice, hopefully. I really miss being able to talk to Sara, and being able to cheer her up. You have no idea how many times, I've wished that I could live near her, just so I could be with her. I would so date her, I would so fall head over heals for her. I'm not just saying that, I really would, shes so amazing you have no idea. I wont allow myself to fall for her right now, but I know its a definate possibility. But one thing I can fall for her with, is her music. I've definately fallen for her voice, its so beautiful, plus well shes and excellent musician too. Wow, ya'll really have no idea how wonderful she is. Amanda you have to catch me with my car sometime soon, so I can play her demo for you.




**Another Letter to Coach Kear**

"Subject: my hands are starting to cramp, from so much typing :)

Kear,
You think that was alot of writing, you should see how much I write in my online journal, I think I might turn it into a book someday. Some people have told me they should turn my life into one of those reality tv shows. If they did I might shoot myself. So well school and all that has been keeping me busy I suppose, I'm only taking English so thats really the only homework that I've had, but I haven't really had any, I'm supposed to expand a paper I wrote last week into a 2 1/2 to 3 page paper, is already a page 1/2, so I don't have much more, it'll be easy cause its about my mom. But yeah how have you been? Hows the whole volleyball thing doing? Soccer has been going great for the most part. I've been a little detoured though. I really hate shin spints. This is the 3rd time I've been to the trainer for them. They just don't seem to want to go away. After our run on thursday I finished once again, but I went from finishing 8th to finishing 13th. I got in the weight room laid on the bench, and was in so much pain I started to cry. I really don't understand it all, running is fine the only part of my body that hurts is my shins. I think its the pavement. But in general soccer is going great. We've kind of taken over the track locker room during the period, all of us seniors and the juniors. Theres just so many girls, it still blows my mind. Everyones working hard, I can see it in them, that they want to be better, no one really complains, we might say its hard but then the next sentence is that its good for us though and that we should keep at it. It amazes me really, everyone's attitude, is actually quite postive. All of the seniors have been doing great, they were a little arrogant that first day, but since then its all been positive criticism and not in a rude way. Everyone is so encouraging to the younger kids and even to each other to keep going and to keep trying hard.

So yeah I'm still stressing a bit about all of the college stuff. I've actually done alot today, with the day off. I applied online to the main college I want to go to, Northwood University in Ceder Hill, but I also applied to their campus in Michigan, both of which have soccer. And from everything I've read, Northwood is one of the best business schools around and it just so happens to have my major. Mike Gaskins, then guy from the diamonds that is helping me with the whole college soccer thing, his daughter plays for Hill College now, and he actually talked to the head coach about me, and he said the coach is interested in me, and Mike said I should go to some of their games and meet the coach. I'm kind of psyched about it, but I know that Hill doesn't have my major, and thats all I'm really concerned about. Education has to come before sports. But I'm keeping my options open, I told my mom about this and she agreed with keeping the options open. So I'm sure I'll be talking to their coach, and checking out their college courses and all that. I know I can get into Hill for sure, academically that is. I'm still trying to find some other colleges to apply to, good colleges. I want the best, but you can't always have the best, but it cant hurt to try.

I still find it quite crazy, that this is my senior year in high school, and honestly it still scares me to death. I mean where did all the time go. It literally feels as if it was yesterday that I was back in freshman year at marching band and volleyball practice. And just getting my braces. Or well even to the beginning of last year, when I first met you and Bree and all the other girls. Time amazes me, its really all mental to me. Speaking of senior year, I'm getting my senior pictures taken on thursday, I hope they all come out how I hope. I'm going to send you some as soon as I get them in.

Ok so yeah, I still have that paper to finish, and I am still writing in my journal. And all I've been doing all day is writing, I wrote Bree and I actually wrote in my journal already today too. So yeah my hands are getting quite tired now. So I am going to go now, I will talk to you later. Have a good day at school.

Love Always,
Erin Jones

P.S.
When we get our club schedules I will send you one"


Ok so well I really have to go finish that english paper now, and its like 11:45. So yeah I'll talk to ya'll laters.