**OPEN FOR DISCUSSION**

Ok so tell me people, why should I trust all of ya'll? Lol I'm not saying I don't, but honestly think about it. For friends trust just comes automatically, right? Then if one of your friends does something that causes them to become less trustworthy in your eyes. Thats just a given thing too, right? Lol I think with every friendship, trust is gained and lost, and then gained again. Now all of ya'll truly amaze me. Ok I understand that I am quite daring to put my journal on the internet so that all can read. And I simply don't care, thats part of the reason I did it, so people could get to know me better. But you see the part that gets me, is when my life comes open for discussion between my friends. I love each of you dearly, but think about it, if you had a journal or diary you wouldn't want the things you wrote about to be talked about, now would you? Ok now don't think I'm mad or anything, cause I'm not, I actually find all of this amusing. Ok and right now the main question on my mind is, who keeps going around telling people things about my blogger, that those certain people don't need to know about??? Lol yes, like I've said a million times before, I find out about everything. Now right now I am currently in the middle of an ongoing inside joke, about me liking or having a crush on a certain someone. I find it quite hilarious, now that I've found out, cause these people were joking about it, right in front of my face, and I didn't even know it. Really, its funny. But back to being serious. Why should I trust any of ya'll, when I know some of ya'll are going about telling people about my private life. You should feel honored enough to know that I love and care about each of you so much that I allow you to see so deep into my life. And I don't mean that to sound conceited or bitchy or anything. This blogger, is my purely and simply, just me pouring my heart and soul out. Every thought, every moment that means something to me, goes into this journal. Please Recognize this, and please respect that. And please respect my privacy, cause if I choose not to tell someone something, then it is generally for a really good reason.


~~Not doing so great lately~~

*Soccer*
Yeah you can ask anyone around me lately, how I'm going. And most likely they'll say that I've been acting weird for that I'm always pissed off. Yes its true. I'm back in this stage that I was back in GR. And it really aggravates me. I'm always depressed, stressed out, and I'm really irritable. The one thing that is suppsed to always give me pleasure, is soccer. Yet the last two weeks in class have been absolutely horrible. I go to the trainer and get my stuff done as soon as I can, then I finish getting dressed and hall ass to the weight room or to Ralph. Everytime I've been down to the field I've felt as if we've gotten nothing done, theres too many damn people to get anything done. I guess I just get really pissed, cause I need to be improving, my skill and all that, yet I feel like I'm back playing when I was 4 or something. Its just so frustrating, and I can't get anyone to understand. And plus well I don't feel as if I'm part of the team anymore. I mean cause I've been in the trainer basically since school started, and so everyone else is together more, growing closer. And I'm left out, on the outside. And oh man, does it drive me crazy, whenever I get down to Ralph or the weightroom, I probably stand there like 10 minutes until one of the coaches notice me. It pisses me off so much, cause they should notice each and every single person. But theres just too many damn people in our class (40 girls atleast). The only thing I feel proud of, is the fact that I have the top max on bench, 135 lbs. Hell Yeah. Lol it may not by that much to anyone else, I probably could have done more, but I have to stay cautious so that I don't hurt myself. But yeah knowing that I beat everyone else on that, just gives me this pure satisfaction. But when it comes to playing on the field, we always do these drills, and I never feel we're getting anything done. Ok and on friday we had 3 different teams, and we were just scrimmaging. Well I get out there, and well I got put on the team that is primarily made up of last years varsity team. Well yeah my team was being ridiculous, they were acting like a bunch of little bitches (lol I've determined that, that is my new saying). Seriously they were, they were being arrogant, and acting like they were better than everyone. Ok now I have to say this, we may be better skill wise and all that and we may be older than the rest of them, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. Its doesn't, just because your older and all that doesn't mean anything. Every girl that is out there on that field, deserves respect, they only be giving half there effort, they may have never played before, or they may be younger, but dammit they are out there with us, playing. They are still a part of our team, there is no seperate teams, as far as I'm concerned. Everyone that is out there, makes up our soccer program, they are out there doing something, and the one thing I believe most, is you shouldn't talk shit about someone that you play with. So what if someone elbows you, or trips you, guess what, you're playing soccer, stuff happens. Or well as people say SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT. You're going to get hurt, things are going to be unfair, deal with it, JUST PLAY. Thats all I'm out there to do, is play ball, I don't need anyone's bullshit or their drama, I just want to play.

Ok an another thing with soccer, this has to do with club. When you are playing a game, you are playing a game. Just because you're losing, and you're playing short of people, doesn't mean you should act like a dumbass. Yeah I'm kind of pissed at a few of my players because the last half of our game, they started acting like dumbasses, and goofing off. And another thing, if you are going to play a sport, please don't smoke, it shows when you play, several of these girls could be so much better if they didn't smoke. Ok and yeah one more thing, don't get drunk the night before you have a game. Yeah that really pisses me off, when my players have hangovers. I'm just sitting there thinking, and you wonder why we suck.

*School*
Ok so yeah the last two weeks at school have sucked ass, bad. The first week I blame on pms, for the first time I was having really bad mood swings. And well I just haven't been able to concentrate at all, even though I knew what I needed to do, and how much I needed to concentrate, I just couldn't seem to find it within me to do it. So yeah basically I have some really crappy grades for the last two weeks. But after having my teachers and my coach come up to me and say something about it, it kicked me back into gear. Well for the most part it did. Yeah let me tell you about thursday and friday. Ok thursday I was supposed to have practice, but we didn't because it was storming once again. So as planned I went over to Ashley's, and I ended up staying there till around 8:30. Well when I went to leave I couldn't find my keys. So we searched the whole house and looked inside my car, and we still couldn't find them. So for like an hour 1/2, Audrie, Ashley and I (mainly them though), tried to get my door unlocked with a coat hanger. But the type of lock I have, the hanger just slid right over it. We finally gave up, and Audrie just took me home. Ok and now I have to say, everything was in my car, my money, soccer stuff, and all of my books and homework. And I was actually going to do my homework too. So well, the next day I had to go without all of my stuff. For English I didn't need any of it, cause we just worked on a paper, and we were supposed to read a book (but I'd already finished it). Now for soccer I just so happened to grab my old cleats. But still I had no shin-gaurds. And when I got kicked right in my shin, I got really pissed, cause it reminded me of not having any of my stuff. Yeah I have two big bruises from that, and it still hurts. Ok so anyways, in accounting I didn't need any of my stuff cause I just had to finish a test, and then we plated jepordy. Which cheered me up cause I answered two questions that made our team win, well we would have won with another team didn't get a daily double for 4,000 points. Then economincs came. Wow, I got really pissed again, the one class I definately needed my stuff for. We have been doing these journals, which are basically just defining stuff for certain chapters, its really easy, and I had done it all. Well it was locked in my car, so I didn't have it for class, so yeah I got a zero for a quiz, I wasn't too happy. Then we played Clue, sort of clue, lol. It cheered me up, my group got a 100 on it.

So after school I go to Ashley's, about 2 weeks ago I had found this button in my glove box, and I though maybe it was a power-lock button. So I open it and find out what type of battery it was, then went to wal-mart and bought batteries. Came back, and fixed the buttom, I got it to work, but it didn't go to my car. So I had to call the locksmith, he said it would be 45 minutes till he'd be there, and that it would be $30. So I went to dads, I parked, and as soon as I got out of the car, mom called, then dad told me to move my car (which was still running, cause I was just going to go in and get what I needed and leave), and so i had to turn down my radio, and move my car and talk to mom at the same time. Mom and I got into a small fight, then after we got off the phone I was really aggravated. I was going to borrow $10 from Janelle, cause I only had $20. But she left while I was on the phone. So I asked dad if he had money, and of course he didn't. And he got on my nerves, so I snapped at him, and left. Ashley's mom paid the locksmith. Yeah my keys were no where to be found in my car, so we searched the house again, and they ended up being down insided one of the chairs, where they'd looked several times. But ya know, I knew I wasn't dumb enough to lock my keys in my car, lol. So yeah, then the rest of the night, was decent I guess. Saturday morning, Audrie calls me at 7:30 in the morning, I was so pissed. Cause it was my one day to sleep, she said Ashley's mom needed her money by 12:00 (I hadn't been able to pay her back cause the GR atm wouldn't work, and mom doesn't want me to use the atm in Granbury). So yeah I'm feeling like shit, literally, my head was throbbing, and I couldn't breathe, and my throat hurt. So I called Jan, and I gave her the address and all that, she calls me back an hour later tells me she couldn't find it, so I gave her directions that time. Then maybe 45 minutes later Bree calls me (but I knew she was going to call around then, so it was ok). Then I laid there for like 30 minutes and couldn't go back to sleep, so I took a shower, when I got out I had a text message from Ashley (which turned out to be from her mom), basically saying I hope you're happy cause now I have a bounced check. So I called Jan to make sure she took it, I called Ashley, and told her where it was, they found it and everything was cool.

Then I went and ate lunch at 1:00 with Bree, Nikki, Kim, Miranda, and Ann N' Jules. I had a blast, it was good to see Bree, even though it hasn't been that long. Well after that, I went over to Ashley's, then we ended up running errands with Audrie. Then Ash and I decide to go to my house so I could change clothes (which she ended up picking out). Yeah earlier at her house, we wanted to go do something, and then Audrie wanted to go do something. Then Ash told me they couldn never decide on what to do, and told me to decide, so I was like ok lets go bowling, she didn't say anything, she just text messaged Audrie and told her. So that was our plan. And then we kept calling Ann N' Jules, to invite them, and Nikki too, cause she was with them. We invited Miranda. And later we ended up picking up Nina. So we go, and I have $50 right. Well I'm not sure what happened to it. Nikki gave me $8, and I paid for me and the other dollar of hers, so thats technically just $10 gone. I had $14 of Ashley's, I gave her a $20 to pay with, and got $2 back. So technically thats $4 gone. I bought a drink for $1.25, I spent like $3 on games. Other than that I can't think of anything else i spent money on. Ok, ok I figured it out, I did end up with the right amount of money, I just had to sit and think it out. Ok so anyways, we are having a blast bowling, which it only ended up being Ann, Nikki, Ashley, and I. We were all having a blast, then it felt like when Audrie and Miranda came, everyone started to take off their shoes, and I was like what are ya'll doing. Yeah I was mad, cause I paid money to bowl, and we only bowled one game. Then everyone just walked outside besides me, Miranda and Nina. I felt like everyone bailed on me. And thats happened to me all my life, and it just made me feel like shit. And I know none of them could have known that, but still. Plus, yeah it aggravates me when someone is high while hanging out with me, cause it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough to make them happy, does that make sense? So yeah after i play some video games I got Nina and we left. Well as i was backing out Miranda tried to talk to me, I heard her calling Jason, and theres only one reason she'd be calling him. Then she tried to deny she was calling him, and that made me mad. Audrie yelled at me, and I didn't find out until later what she said, something to the fact of I don't need to be mean to Miranda. Which I wasn't being mean to her, by the way. But yeah I stopped and gave Ashley her cds and I left. Nina and I went to the park and hung out there cause she didn't have to be home till 12:00. Oh just so all of you know, I appreciate the way ya'll treated Nina when we were bowling, I could tell ya'll were trying to help her feel comfortable, and I mean that seriously, not sarcastically. Thank ya'll for trying, thats the one thing that kept me from being so mad after I left. But yeah the main reason I was mad, was cause I was just reminded of past experiences of when people bailed on me. Pain doesn't feel good, we all know that.

But anyways... Ok its like 1:00 in the morning and I still have to finish an English paper and some economics vocab. so I better go. I'll write more tomorrow. Laters.