~~So Wow I need to write~~

Yeah theres a bunch of stuff to write about how I'm feeling at the moment, but I'm getting ready to go to work, so maybe I'll be able to write when I get home.

~*~Do they really ever understand~*~

I've been thinking alot lately, about alot of different stuff. I'm kind of back in my depressive stage again, but theres not much I can do about it. I've had a few people ask me whats wrong (Ashley, Gina and Audrie), and I just simply say that I'm lonely. But is it more than that? I think so, but then again I don't. I just simply want someone to hold me and to care for me, and just to be with me, no complications. But its just not happy, Erin can never be able to be completely happy, never. It hasn't happened yet. Every person I've ever been seriously interested in, theres never been a real chance of me ever being with them. Its just so damn aggravating, everywhere I go, I see these couples, or with my friends I'm almost always hearing about there boyfriends or girlfriends. And I just want to say, do you not think hearing this bothers me, do you not understand how fucking lonely I am. Yeah I am the counselor for everyone, and I love being that person. But you see Erin doesn't have a counselor and never will, its just that way, and it will never change, I may talk to people about things, but they'll never be able to fully understand where I'm coming from, because I'm just so different from people. But when it comes to other people, I understand exactly where they are coming from with anything they talk to me about, I'm not sure why it is, maybe its cause every experience I've had I keep in my mind, and every experience I've seen someone else have I keep in my mind too as if it were my own. Perhaps thats why I'm so fucked up, I keep living in is dream world, as if everything is a fantasy. Nothings real, and will never be real. Every feeling I've had for a person, was based on some sort of fantasy I have in my head, of this beautiful, wonderful person falling madly in love with me, and in that time I'd no it would never happen, yet I'd still continue to think about it all the time. Which this is what is going on with Gina at the moment. I keep trying to get myself to stop thinking about her, but I can't I just can't. Why do I have to keep this false hope alive? When will something/someone real come along and sweep me off of my feet? When? Do I ever get to be happy?

But yeah back to what I was saying, do any of these people realize how they affect me. Don't get me wrong I love being the person I am, the counselor, so don't think to hold back on telling me how you're feeling. This is just me venting. All of these people come to me with there problems or dramas or whatever you want to call them. But do they ever stop to think, gee I wonder how shes feeling? Do they not see how fucked up I really am, how emotionally unstable I am, or how lonely and depressive I am. I wonder how I could ever be someone's hero, but I think to some people consider me one. I know I always hold my own, I put on a tough face and a tough act, perhaps just to get people to leave me alone. Can anyone see through me? I don't think so unless they read my blogger. Does this make me a good actress then? Can anyone see how much I need someone to just hang onto? And I mean someone real, not a fantasy. I don't want to feel the need to hang on to a person, I don't feel I just have to depend on someone else, thats why I never talk to people about what I'm feeling. I have to hold my own. I just can't depend on someone else, I can never allow myself to really do that. But I just get so tired sometimes, and I feel like I can't hang on to life any more, I just need a break, but I can't take a break cause I won't have anyone to take care of me while I take a break. So then its just this continious cycle. I think its pretty funny sometimes, cause as much as I think about it, I really am my own counselor, seriously. I think of everytime I get down on myself I always convince myself I can do better or that things will change, etc. etc. and I eventually get out of my little stage. Well I always notice that I'm my own counselor everytime I go running or when we run in soccer, cause I get in so much pain from my shin spints and I just want to stop, but I just keep pushing myself in my mind, that I can't give up, its not that much farther, just keep going. Even though it hurts so much, I can't feel my feet, I just seem to have a very strong will power, I'm so determined, I keep fighting the good fight I suppose you could say. Its just not within me to give up, perhaps cause I'm too scared to find out what could happen if I gave up.

Saturday, I hung out with Miranda. We ate at chicken express, then we went and saw a movie. After the movie we sat in the parking lot, and we talked or well she talked and I listened. I can't say anything about what she said cause she asked me not to. But just so you know it had nothing to do with us. But I realized it while we were sitting there, all the times I've listened to her. Have I ever talked to her and just had her listen. Listening to her made me sad, it really did. It was as if everything was once again thrown in my face. How lonely I was, how much I wanted to be with someone. It was strange, cause I think of who I've dated this year, 2 of which I could probably go back to if I wanted. But I know in my heart that I can't, cause it won't work out in the end, and in the process would ruin the friendships I have with these people. It was just so depressing, knowing that I can't have these people again, I can't and won't let myself do that, again. One it would mean I was desperate (and I don't mean that in a bad way), and two in my heart I know I don't want to really be with those people again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I find ironic, how I tend to be the one to hurt myself, rather than having someone else hurt me. But yeah hanging out with Miranda and actually talking to her for the first time in a month was really weird, but it was cool at the same time. I think the time was good for us both, probably more so for her than me. But as I was sitting there listening to her, I realized how much things had changed (or well more so because I had found out alot of stuff that she had lied about) between us, but I wasn't upset or mad about anything anymore, I just was there. Finally, simply a friend. Ok Miranda I have to say one small thing relating to what you told me, hope your not mad. Ok the one thing that really upset me about Miranda talking to me, was the fact that once again she was telling me about someone else wanting her (and she wasn't lying, she was for real, someone who shes kind of dating). And it just made me think, wow, will anyone ever really want me? Will anyone that I want ever want me in return.

Ok damn, I know I'm repetitive, but all of these things just keep repeating over and over in my head, like a broken record. Its driving me crazy. Well this is all that I'm writing for now. I'm going to write about other people when I get back from taking a shower, so I'll be back laters.

**Have to post my interesting text conversation with Gina earlier and then I'm going to bed**

Gina: You there?
Me: of course
Gina: Just checking
Me: Why?
Gina: I am home alone I get freaked out easily but YA KNOW!
Me: Why are u home alone?
Gina: parents and sibs went to ft worth
Me: Oic. Why dont u call me instead of texting?
Gina: I am going to bed now i just got out of the shower so
Me: ok
Me: sweet dreams then
Gina: thanx
Me: anytime

Ok so it might not be interesting to you, but I thought it was a little weird how she chose me out of all the people to text message, at 9:00-9:48. Not that I'm complaining or anything, lol. Well yeah I'm going to bed now laters.

*~*More Quotes YAYYYYY*~*

~~CURIOSITY~~
"I could not, at any age, be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. The fatal thing is the rejection. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Curiosity may have killed the cat, but where human beings are concerned, the only thing a healthy curiosity can kill is ignorance."--Harry Lorayne

"Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will."--James Stephens

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"There are two sorts of curiosity -- the momentary and the permanent. The momentary is concerned with the odd appearance on the surface of things. The permanent is attracted by the amazing and consecutive life that flows on beneath the surface of things."--Robert Lynd

~~EXPERIENCE~~
"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience."--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive."--Joseph Campbell

"I have learned by some experience, by many examples, and by the writings of countless others before me, also occupied in the search, that certain environments, certain modes of life, certain rules of conduct are more conducive to inner and outer harmony than others. There are, in fact, certain roads that one may follow. Simplification of life is one of them."--Ann Morrow Lindbergh

~~Courage~~
"Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead."--Jerry Gillies

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."--Eddie Rickenbacker

"Courage is reclaiming your life after a devastating event robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent...It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, productive, special..."--Catherine Britton

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."--Winston Churchill

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."--Aristotle

"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far."--Erica Jong

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."--Andre Gide

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."--Anonymous

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When you are in doubt, be still, and wait. When doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward in courage."--White Eagle

"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give."--Eleanor Roosevelt
~~Honesty~~
"Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble."--Hugh Prather

"Every time we give our word, it counts. For the most part, most people give it entirely too often. Our word is a precious commodity and should be treated as such."--John-Roger and Peter McWilliams

"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship."--Proverbs 24:26

"I have found that being honest is the best technique I can use. Right up front, tell people what you're trying to accomplish and what you're willing to sacrifice to accomplish it."--Lee Iacocca

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"--Fanny Brice

"A "No" uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble."--Mohandas Gandhi

"What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better."--Doris Lessing

~~Only a few quotes tonight~~

~~BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF~~
"Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets."--Clark Moustakas

~~QUESTIONING~~
"The questions which one asks oneself begin, at least, to illuminate the world, and become one's key to the experience of others."--James Baldwin

~~RISK TAKING~~
"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary."--Sir Cecil Beaton

"Courageous risks are life-giving, they help you grow, make you brave, and better than you think you are."--Joan L. Curcio

"Creative risk taking is essential to success in any goal where the stakes are high. Thoughtless risks are destructive, of course, but perhaps even more wasteful is thoughtless caution which prompts inaction and promotes failure to seize opportunity."--Gary Ryan Blair

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin' that never learns to live."--Manda McBroom

"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."--Katherine Mansfield

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."--Helen Keller

"Take risks ... be willing to put your mind and your spirit, your time and your energy, your stomach and your emotions on the line. To search for a safe place, to search for an end to a rainbow, is to search for a place that you will hate once you find it. The soul must be nourished along with the bank account and the resume. The best nourishment for any soul is to create your own risks."--Jim Lehrer

"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free."--Anonymous Chicago teacher

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, and you don't branch out, you don't try--you don't take the risk."--Rosalynn Carter

~*~Letter to Coach Kear~*~

"subject: After two days of school...

I'm still alive, thank god. I was pretty nervous at first, but now its kind of gone afraid. You know how they always say when your a junior or senior you get senioritis. I think I'm one of the rare types, who doesn't quite want to leave. My life didn't really truly begin until I came to Granbury. I never got serious about soccer until I transferred too, and well the same for my grades as well. All of the girls and you have made such an impact on my life, its unbelievable. By the way, thanks for your encouraging words in your last email to me, I appreciate it. Yeah I'm not sure either why girls can't seem to keep self confidence, I'd like to say I can, but I have my insecurites just like everyone else does I suppose. I guess I've never really had people tell me it will be ok or anyone to encourage me. But now I do, and I love it, I feel safe for the first time in my life.

So you the the assistant volleyball coach huh? I didn't know that until today, I found it interesting. Me being the former volleyball player (7th grade to last year) and all, I can see where you're coming from on it being a stupid game. But like any sport if you have the passion for it, then you'll like it. For me I found that is has some sort of grace in it, its more gentle, cause if you're not gentle with the ball then its going to go flying off into the stands. Ahh.... freshman, seems that as the years go by, the maturity level of kids drops. But you how it is here now, we have the sophomores, they aren't very bright either. They crowd up the halls horribly, thinking they can stand there and just chat away, and in the meantime everyone else is crashing into each other trying to squeeze around. I still can't believe how many people there are here. I went from 108 people in my class to almost 400, its insane. Speaking of alot of people, Morgan told us that in all, there are 76 girls in soccer, or something like that, theres 43 girls alone in 2nd period.

Winkleman and all of us are adjusting fairly well, its definately different but in a good way I suppose. I think the only thing we weren't comfortable with about having Winkleman, was the fact that hes been under Mayo for so long. Matter of fact when I told my dad about what happened, he said that exact same thing. But I told him otherwise, cause 2nd period he talked the entire time, and he seems to have everything planned out, well in the general sense of course. I could just tell by the way he talked that he was his own man, and has his own ways, just like you did. And I respect that, so I'm not really nervous about the new coach thing I guess. Winkleman talked the entire time today too, talking about plays and the way things move on the field. We have discussed our traditions, like team dinners and all that. We tried to explain mafia, but he didn't quite seem to catch it. He kept going on about winning and, winning state and all that. But several of us finally told him no, that we're not like that. Which yeah winning state would be awesome, but if we begin to think too far ahead, we won't think about the present. And Ashlee made a good point, that if we win a few games in a row, and begin to think we can win them all, then we'll get arrogant and have it thrown in our face, like it did last year, against Stephenville. You understand how we are, we like the whole one game at a time, cause thats what matters, you make mistakes in that game the next thing you do is try to fix it, and you progress from there. We told him we're not like the guys, we don't do the whole cocky, we're better than everyone thing. Cause well I just found it extremely annoying when they did that. But I think this year will definately be good, Winkleman is stepping up physically wise alot!! Lots of running, sprinting and long distance, and well definately the weight room. I'm kind of excited. One since I came to Granbury I've lost alot of my physical strenght, I went from play 5 sports to just 1, I've lost ALOT of my speed!! And I hate it. I used to be just as fast as Sabrina, maybe faster, seriously I'm not just saying that. Oh in class we have 4 new seniors, 2 hispanic girls, one girl who moved back to granbury, the other played her freshman year (her name is Taylor K), the last two I think will be good. And of course theres the sophomores, I never got to watch Vicky or any of those girls play. But I know Erin and Heather will do good. And oh I almost forgot about our Juniors, theres like 5 of them. Ally is the only one who stands out in my mind right now. I know she has the ability, and the passion, shes just has to build up her self confidence. Which I'm going to try and help everyone out this year, that I can see, last year I was still a bit shy, but then again all of the people who probably could use the help I never saw. Lol alot of girls call me the counselor, simply cause I'm there for them when they need to vent, hoping I can become everyone in soccer's counselor. I like it, I like trying to help people out, whether something about the game or anything mentally too. Some of the seniors got a little cocky today, trying to get everyone quiet. I was late and came in and heard them being kind of rude about it, and I was like hey guys I as one of the seniors say that ya'll be a little nicer about it. I don't want them to get that whole cocky thing, cause thats what causes conflict. Which I know you completely understand that. But yeah I'm excited.

I walked by your classroom yesterday, I looked in, and I was like oh yeah hes not here. Before school started I got there early as always, and I got to the locker room door and I was like I hope Kear has unlocked it already, then I realized you weren't there. The walls in the soccer office and locker room are all completely blank, as if they were abandoned or something, but we plan to redecorate, lol thats what girls do right? Well it made me sad, but like you said, you had to do the best thing. And you're completely right, the right thing to do is generally the hardest thing to do. Speaking of your letter, the part where you started to mention some of the girls, as I started reading it I almost cried. It was so funny, but it made me miss you alot. Well your letter made me miss you even more than I did yesterday. By the way, Sarah read your letter to everyone who hadn't read it, even to the new kids. I think everyone appreciated it and enjoyed it, and your address and all that is up on the board for everyone, so I'm sure some of the other girls will email you or something. But yeah this year people will be missed, of course the obvious you. The seniors. And well the two we can't help. I'm going to miss Jeannie ALOT this year, and I keep hoping she'll show up one day. I know you've had to talk to her, is she going to play down there or what? I should email her, but I haven't quite gotten around to it yet. And the other person, Ann. I'll miss her on the field alot, I got attached to playing with her in club sophomore year. Shes probably the primary person that convinced me to come to granbury. Although she has her good reasons for not playing, which I completely understand, she'll still be missed. Bree and I have become quite good friends over the summer, its crazy, I still remember her as the girl who went to Ireland. I didn't like her at first, well I like everyone, but I guess I was probably just jealous of her, cause she got to go to Ireland (I'm really big on foreign countries). But also I just got this vibe from her, that she was really good. But I knew none of the seniors but Jamie and Charla, so I guess I was kind of worried about her not liking me. But who can resist little Erin right? But yeah I'm going to be sad to see her leave on tuesday, we've talked about you and the new coach, and we always come to the conclusion that well it doesn't really matter for her cause her time was done at high school anyways.

I saw Jamie a few weeks ago, I didn't really get to talk to her, she seem good though. I've seen Jennifer a few times up at the movie theatre (her job), and talked for a few seconds, she seems good too, I'm not sure when she leaves for college, where is she going and is she still getting to play ball there? Oh yeah Gina and her are still good friends as far as I know, but I can tell Gina is pulling off on her own, her own person. We talked this summer about the team butthole she was afraid everyone was going to hate her, but everyone is seeming to be getting along great so far. Gina and I are really good friends as well, we hung out alot this summer because of church. Gina got braces last week, and of course the color of her bands are pink. Maggie's hair is shorter now, and is still sweet as ever. I'm sure you've talked to Sissy, haven't you. She told us yesterday that she is really in anger management classes now. We thought it was funny, but we all also agreed that she did really well throughout last year. :) We are still calling Ashlee, Skank, we must keep our traditions, although I'm still not quite sure how it got started, I just know the name stuck, Audrie and I have even got the girls at club calling her that (oh yeah its just Audrie, Ashlee, and me on the team now from granbury). Well Sabrina, I think might have felt a little out of place without her faithful sidekick, or well neither were really sidekicks, so I guess I'll just say her other half. She can't play club with us because shes taking driver's ed at night and her parents can't afford to play for club and the class. But even if St. Claire could work it out, I don't think she really wants to play with us, the team is basically completely new, and Bree, Jeannie and Ashley aren't there, so she might not feel as connected to the team. And Taylor can't play with us for some reason, she and Maggie both got mono this summer, I found it quite funny. Taylor is still boy crazy, she flipped when she saw me yesterday, cause I was dressed really cute. I still think that Jodie, Sarah, and Kim feel like JVers, they still seem disconnected from everyone. I've never understood the seperation really, why should teams seperate who you hang out with or what you talk about or any of that. It just doesn't make sense to me. Wow who else is there, Heather is still a bit shy, but she seemed more comfortable since all of the other sophomores were there. Or well shes not why, shes just quiet. Oh I can't forget Morgan, I know you've talked to her, she told us so. She got her hair cut, she has bangs, it looks good on her, it makes her look younger. I'm glad she decided to stay, or whatever happened to where she is still here. We enjoy her company. Oh wow, I almost forgot Nikki, she stays so quiet. Shes got really short hair now, not quite as short as mine was when I first got here, but its short, it looks good, it kind of does its own thing and flips out everywhere. I'm not sure whats up with her, she has hardly said anything the last two days. So ok yeah thats everyone I can think of.

So the Diamonds, today we had our best practice so far, we had like 10-11 people there, which we've normally been having like 4, which sucked, we could hardly do anything. At first we weren't really in the mood, but then we had to do this meeting thing with our parents, which mine weren't there. About where we'll play, we got screwed (we have to play in Plano), but big deal. I hate listening to parents bitch, they act like they're the team. I was getting aggravated cause I drove an hour to practice not to listen to them. Well finally they accepted the fact that it was our decision if we wanted to play or not. We could play in Plano or become a tournament team. So thats when we came together, in our team meeting, we went off and talked for awhile, actually discussed the benefits and all that, but we all new at first we wanted to play in Plano, which is better I think. More practices and games and we're still going to play in tournaments, the more experience the better is what we thought. So we told them our decision, and then we basically said bye and we went back and practiced on our own, we kind of took over our practice, it was great, we had finally had a real chance to work together as a team. It was really productive. Audrie are going to go up this weekend and work with St. Clair for awhile, we're going to try and do individual stuff with him as much as we can outside of practice and all that. Audrie wants to play in college too, she seems pretty serious about it too. And St. Clair is all out up for trying to help us. Do you know a guy name Mike Gaskins, or something like that. Well I met him after one of our qualifying games this weekend, and my mom and I talked to him for like 20 minutes about college stuff, he came to me and asked me if I was a senior and if I planned on playing after HS. Hes going to help me out alot too he said, he gave me alot of advice too. I think playing with the Diamonds is really going to help alot. Its so much different than granbury club ball. I like it alot, and I get along with everyone really well. But I get along with everyone. So yeah I'm getting ready to start applying to colleges, I just have to find our what my ACT and SAT scores are, I don't remember. And of course I have to write essays and all that good stuff. I wish I would have known to start all this stuff alot sooner, like I should have taken my PSAT freshman or sophomore year and taken all of the other tests sooner, basically just to prepare more. Glen Rose didn't help me at all with that stuff, my grades sucked in Glen Rose, and I hate that now, cause it has really hurt my GPA, I wish I had someone on me back then about making good grades. But I'll survive, I know I'll get into a good college and I'm pretty sure I'll get to play soccer. I've just got to get on it, asap.

So wow, I've written ALOT, I'm quite a detailed person if you haven't noticed. Once I get started I can't stop. But well I really appreciate you being a part of my life, you're a great man, and I'm glad that things are working out for you. You deserve it. I can't wait to see you at Abilene, but most likely not before then, unless I can convince some of the girls to make a trip to a volleyball game, :) But I'll definately look forward to that, until then we have email. But well I think I've written enough, I've been writing the last 2 hours. And now its 12:40 a.m. and I have to get up at 6, so I better go. We have to work out tomorrow, running and weight room... YAY. So yeah I will talk to you later.

Love Always,

Erin Jones

P.S.
I got my letter jacket yesterday, Gina and I were so excited we ran straight to the box. Thanks for giving me the chance this last year, it was greatly appreciated."

~*~So...Wow...Quite a Long Day~*~

So yeah last night I had all my clothes ironed and set out for today. My new tommy skirt and my new pin-stripeed 3/4 dress shirt. I wore my new Ralph Lauren blue jean jacket. I wore my earings, lol and just my plain soccer sandals. Alot of people told me I looked cute, well Amanda, Taylor, Sissy, Stephanie, and Nina did. But other than that I got a few looks. More so the looks of damn, her style has changed, which I guess is a good thing. Lol I don't really care. I was alittle pissed to find out that we don't have a new coach. He quit last night because the school board wouldn't give his wife a job, which I find totally ridiculous. School officials are dumbasses everywhere you go I suppose. So yeah Coach Winkleman is our coach now, I like him and all, I just don't think many of us wanted him as our coach because hes been under Coach Mayo for so long (Mayo is an ass). But other than that I suppose its cool. All my classes seem pretty cool, not too stressful. I get out at 2:42 and not at 4, thank god.

So yeah I picked up Janelle and Ashley (Janelle's friend), and they rode with me to school, which was cool, once again it took me awhile to get my keys out of the car, but I eventually got them. So yeah you know how I said I was supposed to go get new tires after school, well I thought I was cause I thought dad said he could atleast help me get 2 new ones. Well I apparently misunderstood him (LIKE ALWAYS, it always ends up being my fault). So yeah he can't afford it. He can never afford anything with me, never has, never will. I really don't understand it, hes so much like Kyle, he can never keep a steady job. Thats why hes fucked financially. Ok yeah I know it seems like I'm being a major bitch, but you don't understand. Its like he always has an excuse for everything, not just with money. But hes always come up with excuse not to go to any of my activities, it really pisses me off. I like have to beg him to go, and I shouldn't have to, hes my father dammit, why can't he act like it, take some responsibility for his only daughter. Hes ALWAYS give his attention to my brothers, always. Ok, whoa, have to settle down now. So yeah anyways, he made me mad, so I left and on Chicken Express, and went to Bree's. I had a really awesome time, I never imagine Bree and I would be such good friends. Yeah we just hung out, and had a ton of fun, just laughing at stupid stuff and her showing me her music stuff. I have to remember this word: "noonk." Yes I know not really a word, but its a memory now. So yeah Kim, her sister and her friend Ashley came over about 6 or so, and I just chilled and watched tv, and then we hung out and talked till like 6:45 and I left and went to church. I sat with Nina, cause I got there kind of late. But yeah I had a good time at church. Michael and I wrestled like always, and yes I would consider it flirting with him, I wonder if hes still dating that girl?



Ok so yeah, now about Gina, today. Shes been acting kind of weird today. Kind of like shes in a bad mood, but then again sometimes other than that. I couldn't quite place it. We talked kind of at school, mainly just walking together, after soccer and strutting our new letter jackets. Whoo-Hoo!! She was telling me that last night she almost text messaged me about the whole coach thing, cause she found out right after it happened I guess. She said she wasn't sure what to think, like who would be our coach and that kind of stuff. But she said it was like 11:00 and she was afraid she'd wake me up. I told her I didn't go to bed until 1:30, and I told her that she can text message me anytime she wanted no matter how late it was. Ok and so tonight at church she didn't see me while we were singing, and not for awhile after we had sat down. I was a table away. I had been watching her, pretending to be watching the screen and Keith. Then I turned around to say something to Nina and when I turned back around I noticed she saw me, and she kind of gave me the, hey whats up nod. Then she acted like she was pulling out her hair, her sister was sitting at her table, enough said I suppose. So then I kind of continued listening to Keith, meanwhile occasionally looking at Gina, then another time when I looked back at Nina, when I turned back Gina, what it seemed to me, was that she was starring at me or well watching me. It was weird. And then the rest of church after that, she just kind of starred at the table, and she looked confused/mad or something like that, it was weird. So well church was over, and I kind of expected her to come over and talk to me, but she didn't, her and Brittany went off somewhere, to talk I guess, but I didnt see Gina for another 30 minutes (meanwhile I was wrestling with Michael). So well then finally Michael's and Nina's rides got there, and at the same time they were all leaving Gina came out, and started to leave. Nina told me bye, then Michael, then I hear Gina tell me bye and she waved. And so well just a second ago I was talking to her on the net. She seemed distance, and still seemed pissed, and yes I know you can't tell a whole lot from words being typed on the computer. But still I just had this feeling. I don't know, Gina confuses me alot.

Ok so what the hell am i talking about. I've really got to stop this bullshit. I can't keep this false hope alive. Theres no way in hell Gina will never like me the way I like her. Shes STRAIGHT. Why do I keep hoping that she'll just all the sudden tell me she likes me, and then we'll be dating. Come on Erin, its a bunch of bullshit, if she ever finds out that I like her, most likely she'll disown me, and act like I'm a freak. I'll lose a friend in the process. I don't think she'll ever be understand how much I like her, how wonderful and amazing I think she is. Nothing will ever come of this crush, so why won't it go away, I've been trying so hard not to like her, but I just keep finding myself drawn to her. But yet I know I will be rejected. Dammit I have to snap out of it, its never going to happen, ever. Why would someone like her, be interested in me, I mean come on think about. AAHHHHH....... I'm driving myself freakin crazy over this. Why won't it stop, why can't I have atleat on realistic crush for once. Why? I know what is realistic and what isn't, but yet I keep finding myself attracted to the unattainable, why oh why, I don't know. Damn I just only could wish that for some unknown, crazy reason Gina would give me a chance. But sadly its never going to happen.


But yeah I'm tired, and not really in a good mood now, so I think I'm going to go to bed, so talk to ya laters.

Oh by the way I haven't had a crush on Bree for a few weeks now, shes strictly just my friend now, I gave up the crush idea, and realized how awesome a friend she is. So yeah and now I am going, laters.

**Feeling a bit Nervous**

So yeah I'm feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow, first day of senior year. But really i'm more scared than anything. I'm not sure why I am, cause there is no real reason to be. Its just I keep finding myself saying wow. Cause seriously it feels like it was just yesterday I was hanging out with everyone at school. The time is going by too fast. Seriously I feel like I've had no summer at all, I did so much over the summer though, like I have all of the memories but thinking about it now, seems as if nothing else has happened in all that time. I remember when I was younger, during the summer if I was at the pool or at home watching tv, the day would just drag on and on, and it seemed like it would never end. Now I have those thoughts but the next thing I know the day is over. This scares me, I have so much to do this year, and time is going by so fast (and yes I know its psychological), I'm afraid I'm not going to get it all done. I have to apply for college, write letters to the soccer coaches at these colleges, play soccer, make the best grades I can this year, have a life, be focused on club and high school soccer, and once again have a life. I'm actually scared, I know I'm ready to go out into the world, but I don't want to leave this life behind, I don't want to not be able to see my friends all the time. Its like as soon as I'm finally satisfied with my life, its like I'm fixing to start a whole new one all over again. My college life. Then after college theres the real world. I'm sorry but this all really scares me, seriously theres tears forming in my eyes as I write this. Cause I look at my mom, shes 48 now. I think of how many years its been since she was 17, will I live to be 48, how will I make it that far, it seems so far away, hell actually it doesn't really, it feels like it will be tomorrow. I want to live my life to the fullest, but I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I don't know what posses me to have the feelings, but it just simply that, I just do have these feelings. I feel lost and confused again. I have to stay focused. Please just stay focused

Also well just in general I'm nervous about school starting. Once again I'll be starting school as a single girl, but hey I actually have real friends this year so thats a plus. I when shopping friday I'd like to thing I got some cute clothes. I like it when people give me compliments, like if I've done a good job on something, if I played good, or if I look good. I want to look cute, and now you've got to understand, I've never worn girly clothes my whole life until this year, or well I've never actually bought cute clothes, the only thing cute I've owned is one dress skirt that I'd wear to banquets and stuff. I don't feel obligated to try to impress anyone, meaning as in trying to catch "someone's eye, " but the fact is, I want to, I want to date someone, either a guy or a girl. And to be honest I want to date a guy, I haven't dated a guy my entire time in highschool, I've liked several guys yes, but no opportunities. I want a guy to be attracted to me, I want to be able to bring a guy home to meet my mom, and be able to hang out with, without worrying about my mom finding out. I'm not afraid of my mom knowing I'm bi, but its just the simple fact its more complicated when it comes to family stuff, I don't like lying to my mom about who I date, who knows perhaps if I find the right girl I will introduce her to my mom (as my girlfriend). My mom is not stupid by the way, I know she knows that I've dated a few girls this year. But yeah back to what I was saying. I want to feel attractive, well I think I am, but I want to be able to know that someone else thinks that I'm attractive, or well cute (which can come from anyone really). I know I can live without, but still we all know that is makes us feel a little bit more special when someone thinks your cute. But yeah I want to date someone or go on a few dates this year, I mean real ones. Not jumping into a realtionship and not knowing why and doing it to just be a risk (Miranda), or not getting into a realationship that is messed up in the first place (Shanina, her having a boyfriend at the same time we were discussing getting together, which they broke up before we actually got together, but still you get what I mean), or not getting into a long distance relationship when you know the other person wants several other people than just you (Rebecca). Yeah real dates, as in go out to eat or go to a movie, not just making out or whatever. I want to simply just be able to talk, be close to each other, hold each other tight, or hold hands. The simple stuff, basically something I could do in front of my mom.

So back to what I was saying about being nervous, I'm not really nevous about my classes, the only real class I'm taking is English Dual. My other classes are primarily business classes, which I guess that makes me a bit nervous simply because, I know I have to do good in them, cause well thats what I'm going to major in, international business. But I'm mean hell, if I change my major then I'm screwed, cause I'm not taking alot of classes that I'd probably need for another major (any major). And well I guess I am nervous about my classes, I can't screw around this year, I have to really concentrate and do good in my classes and do my best in them. Meaning NO SLEEPING. And for those of you who I go to school with, meaning yes you Amanda, DO NOT LET ME SLACK OFF, BEAT MY ASS IF YOU HAVE TO. This is really important to me. I have to make good grades to help out my GPA so that I can get into some better colleges. Plus to play soccer, the coaches look at your grades, probably more than your athletic skill. I'm nervous about that too, about getting to play soccer in college, although I've had several people (who know what they're talking about) tell me that I can make it. But I always have my doubts, or well I just realize all of the possibilites that could happen. I am the realist, or also known or seen to other people as a pessimist. All though I don't really see everything negatively, that just what they see more than what I say of the positive. We all know the postives we just choose to not think of any other thing possible, because we don't like to think of any other possibility than what we want. But really I think to make yourself work harder you have to fully acknowledge what could happen if you screw around or don't make the best of things.

Speaking of work, I have to find an after school and weekend job in Granbury, this is a necessity. As of now, my job at Oakdale is over (they techincally don't close till labor day, but they're not open during the week anymore, because of school), and I work weekends only at DVSP. Which I've been thinking about I need a job after school since I get out early and all, but to get a job somewhere they are most likely going to want me to work on weekends, so that means I'll have to stop working at DVSP. But also I've got to consider the fact that with club soccer I won't be able to work on weekends, but then again I've been thinking, last season the diamonds played some games during the week. But even so theres only 10 games I think, and so most likely I'll only have one game a weekend, which isn't that bad. But still yeah I've got to finish up at DVSP (and I still have to discuss this with my boss). All of this is a bit stressful, nothing to be nervous about. But I have to have a job, I have to have the money, to pay for gas and my food and everything else that I do. Which is what I've been doing all summer, it helps my mom out alot, thats actually the real reason I need a job, just to help my mom out, but I really need to start saving my money, for college. But yeah I need to start looking, ASAP, wonder if I could find someone to help me look.

Ok I am nervous about meeting our knew coach. I think he will be different than Kear. Which I love Kear, but this new guys methods will be different and a hell of alot harder (more physically demanding), but I kind of like that idea though. It excites me. But still I have the fear. Kear tells me I shouldn't worry, that there isn't anyone who is able to replace me on the team. Which I know thats true, and not trying to be conceited. I'm nervous about not getting as much playing time. Thats all that concerns me, I live to play, its my dream, my passion. I would hate for anything to hinder that. I think it will all work out though, it might take a bit for everyone to get used to him, not so much me, but everyone else (everyone else was with Kear a much longer time than me). Lol hes a coach from an Alabama Baptist university, i'm determined that he won't care much for some people on our team, know what I'm saying (lol the gay people that is, and well everyone else who cusses). Meh... he'll just have to get used to us as well I suppose. He'll learn to love us, hes an older man, so he won't be working out with us like Kear did. That kind of makes me sad. But yeah who knows what will happen, we'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

So yeah I have to make the time slow down, I have to pace myself, stay focused, calm and content. Not that hard, but it could be if I let it.

I'm happy I've got a really good parking spot, I'm going to call dad's in the morning and see if Janelle wants me to take her to schools, shes a sophomore now, it shall be interesting this year. Janelle and I get along great, shes crazy, I'm not really, which makes us great. I've just got to say in the hallways and if we have the same lunch will be interesting. Ya know it feels strange, but I do love Janelle (her mom and brother too), it does, it feels weird, but its good. Its a new thing, I've always liked them, but never have I thought about saying that I love them. But I do, I love them. I was just thinking about this, cause I'm really excited about going to school with her, I want to introduce her to all of my friends as my step-sister (like a kid sister), and I want to be introduced to her friends too (lol as the cool senior step-sister). I want her friends to like me. I'm excited.


~~TODAY has been kind of sucky~~

Ok so I haven't had to work since thursday, which is weird, I've had all this time to do nothing. I haven't done anything, well I played to soccer games on sunday. But I've just been chilling at home, which is a good thing, I haven't had any time to myself this entire summer. It was relaxing. So yeah today I had to go to the orthodontist at 4 (which I left at 3:30). The plan was after my appointment, I'd head straight to practice and change clothes there. Well I didn't get that far. I was going to take the road that goes through Godley onto Cresson, and then take 377 on my usual route. Well I took the wrong road first, had to turn around, then I passed the right road, then had to take a long ass detour to get back around to get on the right road. So once I'm on the correct road, I get about a mile down it, then I hear this sound, and I was like what the heck was that (and I thought maybe I just ran over something, like a piece of tire or wood or something), so I turned down my radio and I heard it again, so I pulled over, and checked it out. My tread on my tire was cut like 6 inches long and about 1.5 inches wide. Now you've got to understand I knew right when I got my car that I'd need new tires pretty soon, but they told me as long as I was easy on them they'd last awhile longer. So well yeah I was kind of pissed off, but then again I thought it was funny. I'll tell you why I was pissed off in a second. So I called Bee, he told me to go back into down and there should be a place where they could change the tire. And I was sitting there thinking, what the hell I don't have enough money to pay the people to change it. So I had to back track, going around the highway loop, basically it was just a pain in the ass. And embarassing cause I had to drive like 35-40 mph with my hazards on, but it was also pretty funny. My tire didn't blow out just the tread was coming off, which if I kept driving would eventually screw up my car. So I drive down HWY 174 back into Cleburne the way Bee told me to go, but I got fed up with it, and pulled over into a parking lot. I had tried calling my mom at work, but they said she was in Cleburne with Kyle getting some papers signed, which was kind of ironic that they were in the same town when I could have used their help, but there was no way to get ahold of them. So I called Brian, he was almost back to Glen Rose (he was working), but he had to go swich trucks (he was using a work truck and had to get his), so he came to Cleburne, and actually brought his GF Kara, which was cool, I love her shes awesome. I sat there for about 40 minutes, Bee was going to help me cause there was some bus stuck near Cleburne, but he had to take it back then he was going to come back and help me, but I really wanted Brian to come, so when Bee called back I told him Brian was already on his way (which he was, I wasn't just saying it). But when Brian got there, we got my spare out and she showed me how to change my tire, which was really cool of him, I enjoyed it.

So the tire was a little bit low, so we went across the street and the bought me a $7 air gage (which is expensive for this little thing), then we drove down the road to an EZ Mart, and he aired up all of my tires, and it now drives straight, almost. It was pulling really bad to the right, and when ever I sped up or really just anytime driving lately the steering wheel would shake and so would the car, but now it doesn't do any of that anymore, so it made me happy. Well Brian told me I should just go home, so I did and by the time we were done it was like 6:45, practice started at 6 (I had already called Stephanie and told her I might me late, and I might not be there at all), so it was ok. So I got home and I was chilling till mom got home from work, and I ended up waiting till a little before 8 so I could record O.C. So well when she got home (Kyle had to go pick her up), Kyle came up to my room and asked for the phone, during all this I was talking to Bree on the cell. And well I told him he smelled, he told me it was from the dogs. Well the dogs apparently got sprayed my a skunk, which stunk up the whole house. So well finally it was almost 8, so I set the tv for record and left to go wash my car. So well yeah it smells horrible in our garage, then it lightens up the farther you get in the driveway, well I get in my car and it smells like the skunk. So when I get to the top of the road I rolled down my windows, hoping it would just air out. Well after I washed my car and dried it off, I realized my car smelled horribly of skunk. Which strongly pissed me off. Damn dogs, well Damn Fred. So I moved over to where the car airfreshener spray thing was, I did new car smell first, then i did wild cherry. Still smelt it. So well I drove to Levels, I got even more pissed cause for some reason I haven't been able to get my keys out of the ignition. It did it yesterday (at Levels and at the movie store), but I was able to get them out at the orthodontist today. But not at Levels today, and I don't like to leave my car unlocked in a public place. So I went in I was looking for Febreze, but they had none. So I found this stuff that supposedly gets rid of smoke and pet smells. Its this foam stuff you spray all on the carpets and stuff, and it soaks in, you don't have to vaccum it out. It actually smells good. And as far as I could tell when I put it on, it worked, but I don't know it might be temporarily. Kind of like how you spray perfume, and its real strong at first, and then 2 seconds later you barely smell it, and it basically didn't work. I'm afraid thats whats going to happen. I hope not, cause I'm telling you, it smelt really bad. It really pissed me off.

So yeah when I got home (hadn't put the car foam stuff in yet), Brian parked in my spot, I didn't want to park under the trees cause I just washed my car and I didn't want tree sap all over it. So I parked behind mom (still under a tree), tried to take out my keys, ang omg this really pissed me off, I couldn't get them out for the life of me. So I made Kyle go out there and get them out for me. Which was pointless, but made me happy for the moment. But two seconds later I went and moved my car into a semi-open spot, where I would get sap on my car (and once again I couldn't get my keys out, and once again pissed me off). Then came back upstairs and ate dinner, and then went back out, and Brian had left so I moved my car back into my space. Then put the car foam stuff in. Which yeah you know the size of an air freshener bottle, almost a foot big, thats how big this bottle was. I used the whole thing, So I'm hoping it worked. So anyways when I was done with that, I didn't even try to take out my keys. But I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get them our, cause I am not going to leave my doors unlocked, at school. So yeah I'm going to where my new clothes tomorrow, I ironed them earlier. I hope it will look good, it better, cause I spent some damn good money on this stuff.

Oh yeah the reason I was pissed about my car tire messing up, was because when I was waiting at the orthodontist, Bree called. She was inviting me to go to the movies with her, Gina, Kim and Sarah. They were going to the Uptown Girls at 5:20 (Bree and I had orginally wanted to go see this together), but yeah I was kind of mad cause I couldn't go cause I had practice. So when I ended up not going to practice. I figured out that if I left straight from the orthodontist and went home I would have made it, and I could have borrowed moms car or something and still gone to the movies. See I also think if I went straight home my tire wouldn't have gotten messed up. Cause when I took the wrong road I turned around on some gravel and later when I missed my road and did the whole loop thing, I think thats when it messed up. If I was just driving normally I don't think it would have tore. So yeah I could have gone anyways. But I chose to be the good child and try and go to practice. But yeah when I talked to Bree earlier when I got home, she said Gina didn't even get to go cause her mom wouldn't let her. And Bree said her and Sarah didn't even really like the movie. So I guess I didn't miss out on much. Gina got braces and I wanted to see them. But yeah Bree and I out supposed to hang out this week, for sure on friday, I think, we're supposed to get a few other people with cds in their car and do this thing. Ok basically its this Cure thing, it comes with 4 cds, you put one in each car and play them at the same time, its supposed to be really cool. I want to do it. So yeah anyways, since I get out early, its dads day off, so we are going to go get new tires, hopefully all 4 (which is better to do, than get 2 at a time) after I get out of school. And Bree said since I'm getting out of school early, I could come by her house anytime I want cause she won't be doing anything. Tomorrow's wednesday and I was planning on going to church so after I get my tires I could go hang out with Bree until church starts. Sounds like a plan. Whoo-hoo first day of Senior year, I'm nervous but still excited.

Oh by the way, public announcement for Amanda, I'm really exicted for you, and very happy for you. You've waited along time to be so happy. You truely deserve it. I've only been around Shannon once, but just from hanging out with her that one time, I know shes really cool, and nice. You deserve her and she deserves you. I'm glad you've finally found someone so great. Remember what I said earlier, Carpe Diem. Lol and remember its SEIZE. Sorry couldn't resist that. Yeah your a kick ass girl, I'm very happy and honored to be your friend, and your counselor!!

Ok well yeah its 12:45 now, way past time to go to bed. I'm going to get up at 6 to shave and head to school at 7:30. So yeah I need to go get some sleep. So I'll talk to ya'll laters.

Oh yeah BTW Miss Sara Welker, I'm very much looking forward to getting you're demo, I've missed talking to you this week. Oh and I know you said you don't get you hopes up, which I try not to either. And I agree with you about not doing so. But still you have to keep hope alive, you can't give up on possibilities. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I really and truly am going to try and come see you on one of these holiday breaks. No promises, but please don't give up hope. And I hope your packing is going smoothly. You only have a little more than a week left. And hey you can kind of look at it like this, atleast you'll be getting a break from your parents for awhile, right? Sorry if I sound like and idiot just trying to make your week, again. Well I can only wait to talk to you soon. Don't forget to write in your blogger while you still can. Well talk to you laters too.

!!WOW!!

Yeah I just wanted to share something I read awhile ago. Its from this girl's profile on planetout. I really enjoyed it, I'm not completely sure why though. Part of it kind of reminds me alot of how I felt about Michelle. But yeah I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, even though you might just think I'm weird for this but oh well.

"I really am just looking for a good friend, because you cant ever seem to have enough of those. i am a truly honest person who is loyal and respectfull. I have been in two relationships, and not looking for another. I am taking the time off to get myself together and be alone for awhile.

I am not all about the booty ..Un like some people i dont need someone to sleep with to make me feel good about myself (thier called friends .. thats all you need for some self esteem) .. i am about the person and who they are and what they mean to me. I have alot of of close friends and people i care dearly about .. but only one "Wife" (inside joke). And i will do anything for them and they will do the same for me.

I love meeting new people, and i am shy at first but yeah .. thats just not how it is, im very crazy and most people dont understand me . I have a laid back personality and "great" sense of humor(thanx to my father). Even though i dont care for the bar scene .. I do like to have a good time . I just much rather do something more productive .. you know what i mean ..??

I have recently found the joy and happness in church. Being apart of a commmunity of faith and having a common graund has just opened up my eyes and helped direct my faith and love, which has always been present.

I dont care for being shut out and ignored by my friends or in my relationships. My biggest pet peeve is people who lie. I figured that having been dissapointed alot in my life and in myself i dont need to be surounded by lie's to make things worse.

I really miss a good friend of mine and the conversations we had and the company she gave. Also the time she put in ..i know she doesnt have that time any more buts it all works out in the end anyways.

Now i am taking her silence with love and she is forcing me in a way to move on and i thank her for that. I am stronger now, yet i still have alot of work ahead of me and alot of myself that is yet to be uncovered.

Im not like everyone she knew in her life. She always told me that she knows what happens in colleg and what happens when poeple share beds togther and what not. But what she doesnt understand is im different from the poeple she has met. It is hard to believe i know, but i believe it and so do the poeple around me.

But i do understand that i needed to figure out what i want in a relationship and in life in general. The need to experiance things that a realtionship might restrict as far as meeting people and allowing time to myself and to try new things. I will return to her though time and agian to offer my friendship. I feel she will find someone special in her life and the tears for all her loss and pain will dry on her face .. and happyness will fill her heart .. and life will be complete.

Even though she told me she wouldnt find anyone else but i know she looks in the heart and not at costumes people wear, and thats what brought the most fear within me and made me cling tight. i knew that she deserves better than what i can offer. I was afraid to lose her and i still am .. but i dont think i ever had her. I just want to be there to see the smile in her eyes again. We never had the time to grow and the "what if" will linger there, but i will always be there for her as friend .. i guess i never knew her .. but i have faith and i ill wait for love and if its to be in her then it was ment to be.

I have found what i wanted in life and what i want in the relationships with people that i will encounter on the way. I Thank her for showing me what love should be like. Ive seen the heart ache too with the other realtionship that i was in. It was something i needed to find out. Throw myself into something where i felt nothing and get hurt. Because now i know what i dont want and i got a clearer understanding of what i feel . I am just sorry i told her about it cause i know i wouldnt want to her it from her. i am happy to say im better off on my own . Ive learned to say no and deny peoples advances. I learned what my feelings are before i get myself into something that i dont want or will hurt me or somehting im uncertain of.

I am learning patience, slowly and surely, and i often need forgiveness when i break down and call her .. i know she needs her space .. i dont know what she is thinking or even feels about me any more .. I know she is proably past this whole thing we had and she probably just wants to get away from it. But i guess getting over this for me is just slower than i thought, maybe i will never get over it but just learn to to respect it for what it was. I know i only see what i want .. i expected too much out of her. I expected a close friend .. and im afraid i even lost all hope of having her as that. Its hard to lose some one twice . My blind spots are many in these areas, but im learning to see.

I akso know im not ready for a relationship and i cant handle dating .. I know that i only want to get with some one if i can see spending my life with them. If i cant have that then i dont want anything but friendship.

I learned that i am not alone because i have friends. They make me happy and they tought me more about love then i would have ever thought possible. I learned to respect myself and actually be happy with who i am.

I keep her in my prayers and in my heart for all times. i hope she has the best of days. I will stop bye time to time just to say hi. I will leave it up to her how good of friends we will become. So this isnt goodbye stranger its hello. I miss you. Goodnight .. sweetest of dreams .. sleep well angel Her heart has yet to fly. "

!!Ok So..... Back to What I was Saying!!

Ok yeah so last wednesday I had all of my wisdom teeth taken out and had my implants put in during the same surgery. It went really well I was just a little freaked out at first because being the brilliant person that I am, we decided to watch Final Destination 2 at Amanda's the night before. And theres a part of it where this boy is at the dentist and certain things happen and he almost dies by suffocating. So yeah when the sedated me (by an IV), i had the oxygen mask on and as I was going out it felt like I couldn't breathe. So that was really the only tramatic part of it, lol. But yeah it went really well, I just went home and laid in bed the rest of the day, I bled alot, but it finally stopped. I was able to go to the employee party, it was cool I sat on the side of the pool just watching everyone, it was fun, kind of. But yeah thursday I stayed in bed for the most part until that afternoon, I got up and took a shower, I found some clothes that I wanted to where (my overall shorts and my hangten shirt). I was going to soccer practice, then I realize my keys were still in mom's car. So I called her and she came to bring them to me. In the meantime I was getting kind of nauseous, so I had to go take some of my medicine for nausea. Then I felt alittle better then I left shortyl after. Yeah its not smart to drive when your on pain killers, plus I realized the nausea medicine makes me even drowiser (sp?). Well I took the cut through to get to 377, and I was almost to the 144 bridge and I got nauseous again, but this time I knew I was going to throw up, so I started to pull over, and well I didn't quite make it, so I threw up in my car, I was able to stop partially in which I was able to get out of the car and spit it out. Now at this point all I've been able to eat is soup (thank god) and I had been drinking a gatorade as I was leaving the house, so what I threw up was primarily liquid, still quite gross though. So basically I couldn't where my shorts anymore cause it got all over them as well as my windshield at steerwheel and all that. I was pissed off, I had to go to dad's, and they gave me some soccer shorts to where. I cleaned up my car the best I could. Then I left for practice again, but my dad thought I was going back home, when I got to the fields he called, I told him I was at home. I wanted to go to practice so bad, I'm too damn stubborn sometimes. I shouldn't have driven, I kept falling asleep the whole time, quite dangerous.

When I got there Ashley and Yellow were there, and since I couldn't practice I went with them to the car stereo place for a bit. Then we went back. Then after practice I got Ashley to drive my car over to Yellow's, we hung out there for a bit, they played ping pong, I sat there. It was fun. Then I left, I wanted Ashley to drive me home, but I figure Audrie would have gotten mad. So I drove home, I did better coming home. So umm... friday I worked, I fell asleep half the time, but no one really cared. Saturday I did the same thing. Sunday I did the same, then the lady I worked with, Maud, made me go in the back for like 30 minutes or so, it was funny. That night I went and hung out with Bree for awhile. We went driving around in her car for a little over an hour, it was cool. We listened to the White Stripes, Placebo and an 80's mix. It was cool, then we went back to her house and sat and talked to her parents for awhile, then everyone went to bed so I left. Monday I worked at ODP, I was in a bad mood all day, mainly cause I was so tired. I went to soccer practice again, I had to sit there the whole time, which I didn't mind. It was really windy and kind of cold it felt good. Then short after on my way home it was storming pretty bad all the way around me, like I was in this circle the whole time, and in that circle it wasn't storming, it was weird.

Tuesday morning I got up at 5 a.m. We had registration, and we wanted to be early to get good parking spots. I got there at 6:15, registration didn't start till 8:30. When I got there, there were already like 20 people there, they got there at like 4 or so, they camped out, I found it funny and cool. They ended up getting all the front parking spots, i didn't want one in the front, so I ended up getting one of the best spots in the back, it made me happy. But anyways, Ann and Amanda finally got there, a little later (like closer to 8 or after 8), Jodie and Kim showed up, and so did Sarah but she didn't really hang out with us. I saw Gina's truck pull of so I knew she was there. I just kind of pretended it wasn't too big of a deal to see her, but not in a mean way. When she came over to us, she grabbed my shoulder, it surprised me, and she actually talked to us. It made me happy, I had been thinking something was wrong between us, but we're still cool. So we stood in line for like ever, simply because alot of people cut in front of us, it bothered me but I expected it to happen. When we got in it went pretty quickly. I ended up dropping pre-calc, cause I know I would have failed it, plus it has nothing to do with the major I want. So I think I'm replacing it with business law for one tri, the other tri I'm going to fill it with economics. I'm taking home-ec I'm so excited, I've always wanted to take that class my whole life. I'm also a student aid the 3rd tri, all of the tris I hve 5th period off, and the 3rd tri I have 4th period off too. The 1st two tris I have to take 4 classes because I'm taking english dual, and thats one of the requirements. I'm pretty pysched about my classes.

Anyways, I was 48 minutes late to work. Oh well. After work I came home and messed around for awhile, and waited for mom. I had a scrimmaged last night. I had a lot of fun. I played left fullback part of the time, then he put me at center-mid, which was kick ass I really enjoyed it. We lost 1-0, but it wasn't a big deal, that was the first time we had more than 4 people there, so we were basically just getting used to each other. Amanda went with us. We ate at Don Pablos afterwards, it was good. And then guess what, we were in another storm it was cool, mom wouldn't let me drive for some reason. We took Amanda back to her car. Then we went home, I came in changed, laid down a finished watching a movie I started monday (it was 3 minutes short of being 3 hours long). Then I went to sleep. I slept in today, kind of. Yeah I had to go to my check-up. Dr. Cook said that everything is healing very well, and he gave me a syringe to help clean the back of my mouth. While I was there I heard thunder, and as soon as I left, two seconds later it started pouring. It was so beautiful, the hard rain and thunder and lighting, it was wonderful, it really made me happy I enjoyed it. Although it hasn't hit here yet, so I think the storm dispersed before it got here, its still sunny out right now. And since then I've been writing on here. And for a little bit I was talking to Gina online, for the first time, and I talked to my friend Meghann for a bit. It was cool.

But yeah I'm going to be leaving for church soon, and I'm still not done writing. I was thinking about going to a movie after church, so when I do get home I will finish writing. But until then, I'm going to go, laters.

.......SO.......

ALOT has been happening lately, I have so much to write, but I don't really have time right now, I have to leave to go back to the oral surgeon (for my checkup). But yeah things have been crazy lately, with everything, people I've met, soccer, school, friends, love interests, etc. Its like the neverending story lol. But for now I have to go, but I promise that I'll write later when I get home from church. Laters

!!AHHHH.... I'm Going to Die Tomorrow (today lol)!!

But yeah seriously. I'm having surgery tomorrow. You may ask, what I'm talking about. Yes its true I'm having surgery tomorrow. Lol oral surgery, I'm having all of my wisdom teeth taken out and I'm having my teeth implants put in. What my implants are, I'm having 2 titatium (sp?) rods drilled into my jawbone. I'll still have to where my retainer for 3 months (during which I can eat my favorite stuff, like sunflower seeds). After the 3 months is up, the rods should have already molded to my jawbone, and the top of both of them should be showing through my gums. Which then I could actually go get the crowns (the actual teeth looking thing, lol) put on. But yeah I'm going to hurt so bad after tomorrow. I want to go to church to maybe see Gina, and see whats up between us. And we're also supposed to have a employee party at Oakdale, but I also don't think I'll be able to go. Which both of these really aggravate me, but I suppose I just have to deal with it right now. Thursday I have soccer practice, I know I won't feel like playing but I want to go. I'm not sure if mom will let me drive. But Bree said she was thinking about going just to hang out. So if mom won't let me drive, I was going to see if she could take me to Bree's. But we're still not sure if Bree is actually going to go or not. I'm actually quite scared at the moment. I'm really excited about getting all of this done, but I'm not really sure how I feel about how much pain I'm going to go through.

So yeah to all of you who read this, I won't be writing the next few days probably. But I will try to get on the net, and if you have any of the instant messengers, I'll talk to you on there. So yeah give me a few days, and I'll write about this soon to be experience. But for now, LATERS..

!!Last night was awesome!!

Yeah yesterday I had a really good day. At work I wanted to kill Maud again, but thats nothing new, she reminds me of Mimi from the Drew Carry show, except without all the makeup. I understand the woman, just sometimes she gets on my nerves, cause shes so damn opinionated, like she won't even listen to your opinion, it pisses me off. But I had a good day at work, it was entertaining again. Lol I bought 3 more books, I'm such a nerd. Then after that I went and washed off all the bugs off of my bumper. Then I went to dad's and watered their plants, again (which I got $5 for, not bad). Then I headed straight to Bree's (I got there about 6:30 or so and I didn't leave till like 1:15 in the morning). I had a kick ass time with Bree. When I got there we just sat on the benches for quite awhile just talking, then we decided we were going to go rent a movie. So we went to Movie Gallery, and looked at all the dvds, we first found Sleepy Hollow, which we'd been wanting to watch for awhile, we were going to get Scarface too, but we decided not to. I drove there, it was cool to have Bree in the passenger seat, not in pain in the backseat. Well as we were leaving I saw my dad walking in the parking lot, so I drove right up to him and honked the horn, then I parked and we talked to him for a second, he had to go in and get food from Montana's (to go). Then we pulled up to the car, and talked to Jan and Janelle, this is when Jan paid me, lol). Then we left, and we went and I got Chicken Express, Bree didn't want any food. So we got back to her house and I ate my food. And she ate or tried to eat this taco salad thing her grandma made, but it was kind of spicy so she didn't eat much of it. When we were done eating we decided we were going to make brownies. Well the mix said we needed water, and we figured everything is better with milk, lol. So we went down to the gas station and got a gallon of 2% milk (which Bree loves, and I ended up thinking it tasted ok, even though I'm a whole milk type of girl). She drove, I sat in the car while she was in there.

So we went back and we made brownies, which was a lot of fun. Then we watched the end of Death to Smoochie while our brownies were baking. When they were done we waited for them to cool for alittle bit, then ate them. Then we hung out some more. And we finally put it Sleepy Hollow, and she got hooked up to her ice machine, to ice her knee. Then we both sat on the couch, and like half of that movie I was petting her cat Nala. Its such a cute/sweet cat. Well it was a really good movie. Well I expected Bree to want to go to bed after that, but then we started watching another Johnny Depp movie, Blow. We had already missed the beginning, but not a whole a lot. Well I also pet Nala for half of this movie. It was weird being so close to Bree, but in a good way. I love spending all of this time with her, I mean just as a friend, I love it, cause I can have a conversation and actually keep it going with her. And when we talk on the phone we actually talk. Its crazy. Bree is quite and amazing girl, I can’t help but be attracted to her, shes smart, beautiful, very talented at many things, etc. And I’ve figured this out just today, shes comfortable with being herself around me I think (by this I mean she trusts me). I mean she’s cried in front of me, told her frustrations and worries to me, and today I asked her what she was doing, she said she was working on a cartoon for her family. I was like oh wow that’s cool, you’ll have to show it to me. She was like well I’ve only shown both of my families, but yeah ok I will. So I’m kind of taking that as, it’s a personal deal, but I’m trusting you with it. I understand, I’m that way about all of my poems, I’m very uneasy about letting people read them, but if I trust them enough I’ll let them. I don’t know its just that since I’ve started hanging out with Bree this summer, I’ve gotten to know a completely different side of her. Its awesome, I love it.

I’m not sure if shes noticed, but if she starts to do something else, like feed the cats, I’ll watch her, with admiration. When she talks to me, I look her in the eyes (I don’t do this with many people), she has beautiful eyes. I just admire her existence, as a friend. Lol I always add, as a friend. Its just that you can take things a lot of different ways. There the way of being a friend and things who can do or say as a friend, and then theres the way of wanting to be more than friends (like wanting to hold her hand or kiss her, etc.). Make sense? I’m trying not to let the unattainable thing bother me right now, I’m just trying to stay calm, keep my emotions hidden, and just try and think about only being friends. Cause I know if I always think about wanting more than friends, it will drive me crazy. Besides, I still don’t think Bree is like me, so I don’t think theres a possibility she could like me as more than a friend. I don’t want to waste my time hoping for something to happen, cause it never may happen. So I’m just trying to keep becoming better friends with her, that’s all I can do. If something is meant to happen then it will. But as of now, I am not going to take the risk of ruining a great friendship. I don’t want to lose her as a friend. It always sucks to lose a friend (I know, been there-done that).

But anyways, after Blow was over, I just kind of hung out for a few minutes, while she was getting stuff ready so she could go to bed. Then I finally left at like 1:15 in the morning. We talked about doing something today after I got off work (monday), then I left. I was so in a good mood. I drove home and jammed in the car, came home, did a bunch of laundry (cleaning out my closet so that I can actually hang up my clothes). Then I crashed into bed. I slept in, I enjoyed my sleep but I was still tired though.



**Saturday Night**
Oh I forgot, Saturday night [when I was supposed to hang out with bree, but couldn't cause Miranda was over there (couldn't cause I wanted her to read my blogger, and didn't want to be there when she read it)] But anyways, I was supposed to go hangout with Bree after work, but I ended up not going. Instead I went and hung out with my brothers and Cara (Brian's girlfriend) and some of there friends. We were at my uncle's house, he lives on the lake by the Granbury powerplant. He has a house on the hill, then he has a cabin and a dock on the lake. So we hung out there, Brian made steaks and Cara made mashed potatoes, oh my gosh, this was like the best dinner I've had in quite awhile (lol at 11:00 at night). Well Brian made this hot sauce, and OMG was it hot. It had like 2 jalepenos, 2 cilleranos (yes I know I can't spell either of those, I have never taken spanish), half an onion, half a bell pepper, tomato sauce, and some regular grounded pepper. It was so hot, but damn it was good. I drank some gatorade and some Jones soda (old school soda, which puts pictures on its labels, and says who it was and where they're from, Caras going to send in a picture of Brian, one where hes on the boat looking off into the distance, its cool). Jones soda is awesome, they have Apple, Bubble Gum, etc. All sorts of flavors. But yeah the only alcohol I had was a sip of Cara's wine, which was hot and tasted horrible. But yeah I was a good girl. We went swimming, Cara and I. There's a swing on the dock, so we swung off the dock a few times, Cara did a few front flips (which she had just mastered that night, lol, I still can't do any, nor will I try). But it was alot of fun. I left at about 11:30, to go water dad's plants. I called Amanda on my way up my Uncle's steps, and on the way to my dad's, and then sat in my dad's driveway for the longest time. Amanda and I almost talked for an hour 1/2. It was really awesome, I enjoyed it. Well then I watered the plants in the dark, cause the doors were locked, so I couldn't turn on the porch light. By the time I was done my pant leg was soaked. I found it kind of funny though. Then I went home, I didn't get on the net, I don't think, I just turned off the screen and went to bed. And had a really awesome dream about Bree. I was holding her hands and looking into her eyes, we were together. It was a romantic dream, my damn alarm clock woke me up, I wasn't to happy with it, lol.


~~Poems~~
Ok well you know how my poems were in a spiral. Well the last time I was at wal-mart, I bought this really cool binder for my poems. Well I was just going to put my spiral in it, thinking it would fit, but it wouldn't. So I cut off the wire, and trimmed the covers and all that stuff. It fits now, I like how it looks now, plus the binder adds more protection for it. I'm just worried the paper will tear. But I have a million hole reinforcements that I'm going to put on them, sometime, it will take forever though. But yeah I wrote a new poem on friday, and a new on on saturday, both of which are fairly postive (meaning, nothing depressive). It was cool, I still have a few more ideas to write about, but I haven't had time to sit and write. But oh yeah I also forgot, I rewrite all of my poems into my sprial. Meaning, I have a rough draft on another piece of paper, then when I have time, I patiently and carefully rewrite them onto my spiral paper. Again, I am obsessive compulsive, so it has to all look nice and neat. So yeah I have like 10-11 rough drafts to put into my spiral, I just need the time to. I love my poems, every person who I've let read them, tells me they've learned so much about me, etc. I find it interesting, but also true. It takes alot for me to let someone read my poems, lots of trust.

Ok well I have to work at 10 this morning so I'm going to jet, cause its 1:00, and I need some sleep. So I'll talk to ya'll laters.

~~Figuring out~~

I think I've finally figure out, that I'm going to end up completely alone in my life. I really mean that. I really am a hopeless romantic. I want love so bad, I look for it, I long for it, I want all of those girly fantasies. You know get married, live a happy life. I'm not so sure about having kids, if it happens someday then it will happen. But I honestly think I will end up alone. And honestly it scares me, I want to find that one true love. I want to be happy. At this moment I keep feeling and seeing my self this 50 year old woman, sitting in her house all alone, except for a dog and a cat. I mean how pathetic does this sound. I really feel this way. Always searching, never finding. When will this end. Why should a 17 year old have drama. Why couldn't I have been one of the normal girls, who is all girly and who ends up with a sweet boyfriend, whose relationship lasts for quite awhile. Why couldn't I have been normal? Lol if you've ever seen But I'm a Cheerleader (great movie by the way), what is my root? I believe my root comes from my parents divorce, I never grew up in the proper home, I never felt fully loved by my father (which makes me resent guys some). And I have sort of the same root as Megan (girl from the movie), I've always seen my mom sort of as the father figure. My friends growing up were always primarily guys, I have two older brothers and no sisters. My brothers always gave me a hard time about guys. Lol thats a long ass root. But anyways, I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of falling in love with the people that i'll never be able to have in this lifetime. Why try? But I suppose I have to try, take those risks, and never give up. You know I keep searching for love, but when will love find me for once?



**BREE**
So she convinced me to go to practice last night, Sabrina came with her. So I went, Sabrina couldn't play cause she got hurt at camp. We started to scrimmage a little, and Bree played with us. Well guess what, she hurt her knee again. We had to leave her car at coach's house, she sat in my back seat, and Sabrina sat in the front. So I took Bree and Sabrina home. Bree was really upset, I wanted to just hold her hand so bad, and tell her that it was going to be ok, but that would have been really inapproprite right. I just wanted to take care of her. Lol yeah I realized yesterday that I still have alot of feelings for Bree. But theres nothing I can do about it. TAKE RISKS?? I could but I don't want to jepordize our growing friendship.



!!TODAY!!Today I had a great day at work, we had alot of fun just making jokes and having fun. I was in a really good mood. Well I come home and get on the net, and sit here, then I decide to go see Tomb Raider 2, well I decided like 15 minutes to drive there. So when I get there I ask for a ticket, and they give me a hard time. Telling me they were out, then one of the guys filled out a ticket that says Loser on it (how true is that, I still have it). Then I paid for my ticket, and they gave me it, but he wouldn't give me my change back. Finally he did. So I go inside I said hi to Jennifer. She told me Gina was seeing the same movie I was, I was like oh yay. She asked if I was mad at her, I said no, that I was just in a weird mood. So I go on into the movie, the previews were still on, so I decided to text message Gina, to see where she was at in the theatre. She ended up holding up her phone with the lights on so I could see them. I saw her, waved at her, she saw me, we stayed sitting where we were, I couldn't really see her throughout the movie, but I didn't particularly care, cause I was so focused on Angelina. So well the movie was really cool, I enjoyed watching it by myself. So well after the movie, I was trying to stay and see who some of the actors were. Then I saw Gina and Sarah (Marshall, I thought before the movie she was Ally, the girl from church). So well I was ok, I'll just go and talk to them real quick. Well it was weird, neither of them really said anything to me, basically the only thing Gina did was hold up her phone with the lights on again, just joking ya know. Well I walk out with them, and I expected them to say something, but then we just kind of walked in our seperate directions. This made me really uncomfortable/paranoid. I don't think Gina knows anything, theres not any reason for her to be mad at me, so I don't know. It was weird.

So well after I left I was really bummed. So I started driving to Bree's, I call her to see what she was doing (I turned back around in the process), she invited me over, so I turned back around, and stopped at the gas station to get a drink, then I went to Bree's, we were hanging out and just talking. I really loved it, it was cool. Well then Miranda calls Bree, Miranda comes over like 15 minutes later, it pissed me off. Simply because she always finds some way to be around me. I seriously think that she knew I was over there, cause I never answered the phone during the day, and when I'm with Bree I never answer the phone. Makes me wonder. So yeah I was uncomfortable then, cause I really would like my space ya know. Well basically we kind of fought in front of Bree, and she really pissed me off. One I was talking about my dad, Jan and Janelle being obsessed with American Idol, and how they make plans around the show. Then Miranda made a comment about me and my tv (which yeah I do watch alot of tv, but she always interrupts me mainly when I'm eating, and yeah I don't like talking to her when I'm watching tv, cause she always talks about stupid shit that could wait to be said later. So instead of letting her waste my time I go back to watching my tv. Ok and the other thing happened when I was talking to Amanda, I was telling her I saw Gina at the movies, and Miranda goes I bet that made your movie a whole lot better. I flipped her off, she really pissed me off. I mean where does she come off say shit like that. She never thinks before she says things. Don't say shit when you don't know the whole story!! It pissed me off more cause she said it in front of Bree. It really is quite embarassing to do that shit in front of Bree. It makes me feel stupid. I know Bree hates drama, she and I both do, we think its retarded (and know I'm not just agreeing cause I like her, I've always believed this). But yeah its like I can't excape it, I'm about to go crazy. Well finally Miranda left, so I was more comfortable. When she left I text messaged her and said, one word: blogger, so I'm hoping she'll actually read my last post and give me my space. Which shes Miranda, I know shes going to take it wrong, she takes everything wrong. But I don't care anymore but I said needed to be said.

So anyways, Bree and I watched the New Tom Green Show and we talked some more. I might go back over there tomorrow night after work, or sunday night, I'm not sure shes supposed to call me.

So yeah about Gina and Bree, both unattainable. I've had several people tell me they're possibilities, but I'm not so sure. I get so frustrated with myself when I want something so bad, like its just within reach, but I can never fully get ahold of it. My only hope would for one of them to just give me a chance. I wouldn't let either of them down, I'd do anything for them, anything.



Oh BTW, I didn't end up going to Austin, I was never able to get ahold of Erika. Oh yeah did I ever tell you I came out to my best friend Meghann (Chapman), and this afternoon I also came out to my friend Sara (Young) well I let her read my blogger (its the same thing to me). Slowly but surely I'm getting more comfortable with people knowing, its mainly the people from my past that is hard to tell. Like Meghann and Sara, we'd talk about relationships but I was never fully honest, they assumed I'd dated guys. But yeah if you've read my blogger you should know all of my drama and all about my bisexuality. But well, I'm super tired, and I have to work at 12, and its after 2 now, so I'm going to go to bed now, Laters.