Here lately since I've been driving back and forth from Weatherford I've had a lot of time to think.  I tend to overanalyze but this is when I write best (or the most).  When I repetitively go over something so many times until it sounds right, until something makes sense, and often until my heart settles down.  I can't decide if its because the drive and extra stress about my job is making me more exhausted or if its because i've been working out again.  The more exhausted I am the deeper I sleep, hence the fact that I've been dreaming more.  This should be a good thing but it makes me restless.  The things I've apparently buried deep in my soul and my subconscious always seem to resurface in my dreams and I don't have any control over them.  My dreams collide.  The faces that I see and the feelings that I've disregarded for so long pull at the strings of my heart. I don't understand, its not fair it seems.  The heart chooses what it wants.  The mind tries to argue with it.  Between my reawakened dreams and my heart's long lost desires I feel like I've been torn in two again.  My heart and soul in this relentless battle is draining me but filling me with some sort of unrefined hope and hunger for life and love.

Coping is not a mechanism that I possess, I do not deal well.  I conceal everything and hope it will suffice.  These unconscious desires are destroying my walls brick by brick, layer by layer.  Reminding me that my heart is alive no matter how raw it might be.  What I've felt is real, what I've loved is real, what I've lost is real.  There is no need to pretend such life didn't exist, afterall it is a part of what I am composed of.  It is ok to feel something again even when there is no real explanation.  Sometimes I feel much more than I should, sometimes I feel much more than I ever meant to.

I asked a question the other day. Do you think its possible to fall for someone multiple times or do you think that would be considered never actually falling out of love to begin with? The response I got was: "Part of you still loves them but the things they do can make you fall back in love with them. Almost like finding what went missing along the way."  I'm still processing this and still debating it.



Different topic.  I am not necessarily proud of where I've been and some of the things I've done, but I am proud to know I have made it through so much personal struggle that it amazes me.  I am proud of myself.  We are surrounded by so much beauty but with danger intertwined how do we step into the light and keep the shadows at bay.  The thought came to mind not too long ago.  I recently just finished typing all my old poems onto my other blogger and have re-read some of my old posts on here and I can't believe how negative I am/was.  Ok I can believe it.  But I was in such a dark place for so long.  I don't know what brought me out of it, of what opened my eyes.  I see life.  Don't get me wrong I still have breakdowns, I still get my heart hurt, I still ache in places that I shouldn't perhaps.  But I no longer see it as the end of the world, I no longer feel the need to act out as my cry for help.  Things do get better, and the only way things will change is if I make the change myself.  Something I'm thankful that I learned 5 years ago is that first you have to want to change, no one can take that step for you or force you to do it.  Recover with pride, I have not relapsed in over 5 years.  Yes I am proud of myself, definitely.

Today is one of those days where I hurt and I'm not really sure why.  Its one of those days that I wish I could ease other's pain.  I wish we could lay it all down and bare our souls, to be open to what may come.  Wear our hearts on our sleeves and expose all of our secrets.  Let everything be as it is.  All of our gaping wounds bleeding on to the ground.  To be fragile.  To recognize our differences and our similarities.  To accept.

Its one of those days that I hope they know how beautiful they are, how much they are loved.

If you continuously set limitations you'll never know the possibilities.  Open your heart, open your mind and listen to both.