**Wow**
Its been awhile. But yeah I've been in Las Vegas for the last week, I did good getting here and all that jazz. I'm having a blast. Sara is great, and her family is great. Its going to be hard to leave on thursday. I just wanted to put a short message up here. Mainly to see if this guy reads this. I don't know his name, but Sara and I met him at the Desert Passage shopping area thing. He was really awesome and nice and interesting to talk to, Sara was wearing my blogger sweatshirt, and he noticed and asked about it. Sara wanted to give him her email address cause she thought it'd be cool to keep in touch with him. So if you are him and you think we're interesting too :) then feel free and email me and I'll give you Saras email address. And for everyone else who wants to send any comments about my blogger, feel free and email me too, but out blogger in the subject line. Ok My email is Mad_Dog_53_@hotmail.com or erinsoccer15@hotmail.com.
Ok well we're going to go watch a movie, hope everyone is having a great holiday vacation and all that good stuff, well I'll try and write later, but most likely it won't be until I get back. Ok laters.
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
**Christmas**
Yay, for christmas... no not really, you already know that I'm not much of a holiday person. This week is going by so slowly, its about to drive me insane. Its only tuesday, and all I want to do, is pack my stuff, hop in the car, and drive off. It sounds so good, but I can't cause I still have 3 more days left of school. Yeah I'm actually in school right now, in my last class, 4th period teachers aide with Mrs. Lowry. All I do is type, and I've about typed everything, so I have nothing to do. Well actually today I don't have the disk to save everything on, cause its in my car, I took the book and disk home so I could type it at home. I have 3 chapters left to type. But anyways... its cold here once again, I hate it when its cold, it was really nice yesterday and right at the end of practice yesterday it got windy and blew in all of this sand from west texas, which basically made everything look really hazy, its was weird, but it wasn't the first time I've seen it happen.
Las Vegas, whoo-hoo. I'm really excited, I have really talked to Sara in a few days, simply because I haven't had time to go to wal-mart to get a phone card. But I did finally get a new card yesterday. So I'm going to call her tonight. I've basically have convinced my mom to let me go. She asked to see a map to see exactly where I showed her. And well its surprised me, she handed me this newspaper article, and she was like well if you're going you need to make sure you have these things, I was like what? It was a list of things to have in your car in case you get stranded, it was pretty cool. I told her that Audrie and her family are going up to Colorado, which they are, and that Audrie would ride with me and I could follow her parents up there, and stay with them there, and then leave the next day and finish my drive to LV. Well I told her the other night, that I was thinking that since colorado was a little out of the way for me on my drive, that I could stay with Bree in Sante Fe. She thought that would be a good idea, but in all truthfulness Bree is coming home this friday, not monday like I told my mom. And when my mom asks what will I do on my way back, I told her I'd meet Audrie on the way back cause we have to be back by the same time for our soccer game. Which is true, but I don't plan on following anyone, simply cause its more complicated. I hate lying to my mom, but this is something I want really bad, and I don't think I could get her to understand it. I'm not really lying to her, except for the details on how I'm getting there.
I really am excited about this trip though, its going to be great, I'll be able to spend ALOT of time with Sara, time we've been wanting for along time. Finally the moment is almost upon us. lol that sentence was weird.
So I'm tired. The last few days have been so exhausting. I didn't get any sleep last night, I didn't get home till 10, then I wrote in my blogger, and went to bed at like 12:00, I had to get up at like 6 this morning so I could be at school early, which I already wrote about, but it sucked. I slept all period in English, in soccer I froze my butt off, and well in accounting well I sat there and stared at my paper most of the class period. And now I'm writing here, does that tell you how bored I am, or well how crazy I'm about to go, I have nothing to do, I'm tired but I'm not supposed to sleep in class.
So wow you know what I just figured out, I was looking on my site meter website, and it shows what website or type of internet connection the person was using when they read my site, theres a few from my dads house and I just noticed alot are from tarleton's website, that means Brian was reading this, I think. Thats craziness and its funny.
I can't believe I'm writing at school. Speaking of which, the bell is going to ring in a few minutes so I better go, I have to make my daily trip to the trainer. Ok so maybe i will write when I get home tonight if I have time, I have alot of homework to catch up on, plus I have to call Sara, and maybe I'll write if I'm not too tired. Ok well I'm going to go, laters.
Yay, for christmas... no not really, you already know that I'm not much of a holiday person. This week is going by so slowly, its about to drive me insane. Its only tuesday, and all I want to do, is pack my stuff, hop in the car, and drive off. It sounds so good, but I can't cause I still have 3 more days left of school. Yeah I'm actually in school right now, in my last class, 4th period teachers aide with Mrs. Lowry. All I do is type, and I've about typed everything, so I have nothing to do. Well actually today I don't have the disk to save everything on, cause its in my car, I took the book and disk home so I could type it at home. I have 3 chapters left to type. But anyways... its cold here once again, I hate it when its cold, it was really nice yesterday and right at the end of practice yesterday it got windy and blew in all of this sand from west texas, which basically made everything look really hazy, its was weird, but it wasn't the first time I've seen it happen.
Las Vegas, whoo-hoo. I'm really excited, I have really talked to Sara in a few days, simply because I haven't had time to go to wal-mart to get a phone card. But I did finally get a new card yesterday. So I'm going to call her tonight. I've basically have convinced my mom to let me go. She asked to see a map to see exactly where I showed her. And well its surprised me, she handed me this newspaper article, and she was like well if you're going you need to make sure you have these things, I was like what? It was a list of things to have in your car in case you get stranded, it was pretty cool. I told her that Audrie and her family are going up to Colorado, which they are, and that Audrie would ride with me and I could follow her parents up there, and stay with them there, and then leave the next day and finish my drive to LV. Well I told her the other night, that I was thinking that since colorado was a little out of the way for me on my drive, that I could stay with Bree in Sante Fe. She thought that would be a good idea, but in all truthfulness Bree is coming home this friday, not monday like I told my mom. And when my mom asks what will I do on my way back, I told her I'd meet Audrie on the way back cause we have to be back by the same time for our soccer game. Which is true, but I don't plan on following anyone, simply cause its more complicated. I hate lying to my mom, but this is something I want really bad, and I don't think I could get her to understand it. I'm not really lying to her, except for the details on how I'm getting there.
I really am excited about this trip though, its going to be great, I'll be able to spend ALOT of time with Sara, time we've been wanting for along time. Finally the moment is almost upon us. lol that sentence was weird.
So I'm tired. The last few days have been so exhausting. I didn't get any sleep last night, I didn't get home till 10, then I wrote in my blogger, and went to bed at like 12:00, I had to get up at like 6 this morning so I could be at school early, which I already wrote about, but it sucked. I slept all period in English, in soccer I froze my butt off, and well in accounting well I sat there and stared at my paper most of the class period. And now I'm writing here, does that tell you how bored I am, or well how crazy I'm about to go, I have nothing to do, I'm tired but I'm not supposed to sleep in class.
So wow you know what I just figured out, I was looking on my site meter website, and it shows what website or type of internet connection the person was using when they read my site, theres a few from my dads house and I just noticed alot are from tarleton's website, that means Brian was reading this, I think. Thats craziness and its funny.
I can't believe I'm writing at school. Speaking of which, the bell is going to ring in a few minutes so I better go, I have to make my daily trip to the trainer. Ok so maybe i will write when I get home tonight if I have time, I have alot of homework to catch up on, plus I have to call Sara, and maybe I'll write if I'm not too tired. Ok well I'm going to go, laters.
Monday, December 15, 2003
~~Its been along time since I've actually written~~
I've been pretty busy lately, or well more so tired than anything. We started after school practice in soccer when we got back from thanksgiving. And we've had saturday practices the last two weekends. One day of rest doesn't seem to be enough for me. The last week and a half I haven't gave a shit about anything. We haven't done much since we finished our english dual, college essays. But in accounting, my teacher has decided that we are going to start working in superspeed. We've done 3 chapters in 6 days, and this stuff isn't all that easy to understand. So well I'm really behind in that class again, but this time it isn't my fault, I just don't understand it all, in that short of a time, cause I ask alot of questions before I really understand it. But well I have to be at school at 7:50 tomorrow morning, so I can get some work done, which to me is just a big joke. She always makes me feel like a dumbass, that or she doesn't pay attention to me, cause shes too busy helping the UIL kids. Its really frustrating.
And as for soccer, its been going alot better since Winkleman finally decided teams. But its still frustrating for me, cause I sprained the ligament in my right knee (my main kicking leg) and the tendinitis in my right shoulder has finally gotten unbareble for me. So I'm limited on stuff when we lift weights, and I'm limited on kicking, and it hurts like a mofo when I try to fully kick or pass the ball. But I'm still trying to do everything, and Wink is still wanting me to do stuff, so I do it. And essentially I'm not really getting a whole lot better. I finally kind of blew up about it at practice today. Audrie said she couldn't wait till my knee got better, and I said well its not going to get any fucking better if I keep practicing on it. That was when Wink was subing me out during scrimmage with the jv girls. And I was just kind of standing and there, and Wink was like what was that about. And I was like well my knee is still really bothering me, cause every time I kick is still hurts and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, its just frustrating me. I've been going to the trainer 3 times a day for the last 2 1/2 weeks, and I keep twisting it when I practice, even though I try so hard not to do anything that will cause it to hurt. Its driving me crazy, especially my shoulder, cause it pops all day long, no matter what I'm doing, it pops. Its incredibly annoying not to mention that it hurts. Oh and I can't forget to mention my back problems, I've been needing to go to the chiropractor (yes I know I spelt that wrong, but I'm tired and I don't care) for a long time now, but I can't go till like january sometime. The muscles around my spinal cord are all inflamed, and hurts like a mofo. My mom and go up and down my back, and it will pop like a million times, almost literally. From my head to my hips, its hurts, I'm so sick of it. Wow I must sound like a big baby huh? Well I'm not, I've been having alot of these problems for awhile now, I just haven't had time to write about them.
Ok so well I would write more, but I have to go to bed, I'm about to pass out. I'm exhausted, its almost midnight now. So I will try and write tomorrow if I can. Laters.
I've been pretty busy lately, or well more so tired than anything. We started after school practice in soccer when we got back from thanksgiving. And we've had saturday practices the last two weekends. One day of rest doesn't seem to be enough for me. The last week and a half I haven't gave a shit about anything. We haven't done much since we finished our english dual, college essays. But in accounting, my teacher has decided that we are going to start working in superspeed. We've done 3 chapters in 6 days, and this stuff isn't all that easy to understand. So well I'm really behind in that class again, but this time it isn't my fault, I just don't understand it all, in that short of a time, cause I ask alot of questions before I really understand it. But well I have to be at school at 7:50 tomorrow morning, so I can get some work done, which to me is just a big joke. She always makes me feel like a dumbass, that or she doesn't pay attention to me, cause shes too busy helping the UIL kids. Its really frustrating.
And as for soccer, its been going alot better since Winkleman finally decided teams. But its still frustrating for me, cause I sprained the ligament in my right knee (my main kicking leg) and the tendinitis in my right shoulder has finally gotten unbareble for me. So I'm limited on stuff when we lift weights, and I'm limited on kicking, and it hurts like a mofo when I try to fully kick or pass the ball. But I'm still trying to do everything, and Wink is still wanting me to do stuff, so I do it. And essentially I'm not really getting a whole lot better. I finally kind of blew up about it at practice today. Audrie said she couldn't wait till my knee got better, and I said well its not going to get any fucking better if I keep practicing on it. That was when Wink was subing me out during scrimmage with the jv girls. And I was just kind of standing and there, and Wink was like what was that about. And I was like well my knee is still really bothering me, cause every time I kick is still hurts and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, its just frustrating me. I've been going to the trainer 3 times a day for the last 2 1/2 weeks, and I keep twisting it when I practice, even though I try so hard not to do anything that will cause it to hurt. Its driving me crazy, especially my shoulder, cause it pops all day long, no matter what I'm doing, it pops. Its incredibly annoying not to mention that it hurts. Oh and I can't forget to mention my back problems, I've been needing to go to the chiropractor (yes I know I spelt that wrong, but I'm tired and I don't care) for a long time now, but I can't go till like january sometime. The muscles around my spinal cord are all inflamed, and hurts like a mofo. My mom and go up and down my back, and it will pop like a million times, almost literally. From my head to my hips, its hurts, I'm so sick of it. Wow I must sound like a big baby huh? Well I'm not, I've been having alot of these problems for awhile now, I just haven't had time to write about them.
Ok so well I would write more, but I have to go to bed, I'm about to pass out. I'm exhausted, its almost midnight now. So I will try and write tomorrow if I can. Laters.
Monday, December 08, 2003
**Dammit I Can't Sleep**
Is it because I've had too much caffeine, is it because I slept too late today, is it because my mind is still constantly thinking? I think its the last one, well thats what it generally always is. I can't stop thinking, and its like 1:20 in the freaking morning. I've been trying to write all weekend, but I haven't been able to specify on something to write. So I've just found random stuff to do.
So saturday I found out that Brian's girlfriend, Cara, well actually did read my blogger How much of it, I'm not quite sure. Lol I wonder what she thought about it all, actually I really do want to know what she thinks of it all, or what she thinks of how much of it she read. Brian said she said there was some interesting/cool stuff on it, or something like that. He said she explained to him how to start one. And that makes me curious, cause one day when I signed on, on the side of the page it always lists the last 10 blog entries, and one day I saw one that said Cara's blog. So I checked it out, and it only had one entry on it so far, and it was basically just saying how she was new at the whole blog thing, i wish I had kept the address to it, cause I wonder if it actually was Cara who wrote that blogger, I wonder if she actually made her own blog after I told her about mine. That would be so cool.
Is it because I've had too much caffeine, is it because I slept too late today, is it because my mind is still constantly thinking? I think its the last one, well thats what it generally always is. I can't stop thinking, and its like 1:20 in the freaking morning. I've been trying to write all weekend, but I haven't been able to specify on something to write. So I've just found random stuff to do.
So saturday I found out that Brian's girlfriend, Cara, well actually did read my blogger How much of it, I'm not quite sure. Lol I wonder what she thought about it all, actually I really do want to know what she thinks of it all, or what she thinks of how much of it she read. Brian said she said there was some interesting/cool stuff on it, or something like that. He said she explained to him how to start one. And that makes me curious, cause one day when I signed on, on the side of the page it always lists the last 10 blog entries, and one day I saw one that said Cara's blog. So I checked it out, and it only had one entry on it so far, and it was basically just saying how she was new at the whole blog thing, i wish I had kept the address to it, cause I wonder if it actually was Cara who wrote that blogger, I wonder if she actually made her own blog after I told her about mine. That would be so cool.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
~~This is a letter I wrote to Miranda's sort of girlfriend. Tell me to I seem like a bitch or anything like that, or seem rude like I'm intruding on their relationship?~~
Hey April, I hope you remember me. Erin, you met me at Miranda's that one day. I just wanted to email you and just well, express my feelings. Being on the outside of things, I see alot of things other people don't. Ok so here it goes. Yeah Miranda is my ex, but shes also my best friend, and it kills me to know when shes upset. I broke her heart, and its been hard for her to get close to anyone since. You are the first person shes gotten close to since me, and I think that says alot. Theres something special about you that she can't help but resist. Shes drawn to you. She took a chance with you, she took a risk, she put her heart out there with the chance of getting hurt again. And well she did get hurt, and just to be honest it doesn't help that you messing with her head.
Ok so I know I don't really know you, but you'd be surprised how much I do know about you. So you and Miranda were officially together 5 days, and you got back together with your ex-boyfriend of 3 years, 3 years today right? She told me what he and his mom were saying to you, the whole thing where you were going to hell. Let me ask you something, if someone really loves you, they are going to love you no matter what (meaning if your gay, have something physically wrong, etc.), right? So if Wes really cared about you, he wouldn't care who you hang out with, or if your gay, or any of that. From what I know about Wes, he seems like a complete asshole. And yeah, I do think that you got back together with him cause they were pressuring you, so you got back with him so they'd get off your back. And also I think, you're just used to him, I mean you've been with him for 3 years, your used to the way he treats you, the way everything with the relationship works, so its easier to keep going with the rhythm of it all. You know, love isn't easy, its has its ups and downs, but in the end, everything ends up being ok. You're settling on the easy path right now, but I don't think its necessarily the right path.
Ok and this part comes in. You are always saying how much you think of Miranda and miss her, and miss the little things she does, or her cute nose. And you say when Wes and you cuddle it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel near as good with Miranda. You're always thinking of her, you can't wait to see her, how ya'll two feel head over heels for each other, how you can't stand not to kiss her, etc. You should ask yourself why you seem to care more about her than Wes.
Ok so the gay thing. You've never felt this way about a girl right? You're scared right? Hell who wouldn't be scared. Liking someone of the same sex is not how we were brought up, so society looks down on it cause its not the normal thing to do. I say fuck them all, love is love, no matter who its with, no matter the gender, race, age, or any of that. Its ok to be scared, but don't hide how you really feel. See I'm one person that believes that a person is cheating even if its by having a gf and bf at the same time, still cheating, still with two people at the same time. So the whole thing with you being with Wes and still kind of being with Miranda, it well bothers me. And well I think you should take a chance with Miranda, take a risk. Quotes:
"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far."--Erica Jong
"What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better."--Doris Lessing
"Take risks ... be willing to put your mind and your spirit, your time and your energy, your stomach and your emotions on the line. To search for a safe place, to search for an end to a rainbow, is to search for a place that you will hate once you find it. The best nourishment for any soul is to create your own risks."--Jim Lehrer
And my favorite:
"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free."--Anonymous Chicago teacher
Ok so my main point, you've been with Wes off and on for 3 years, you just met Miranda not too long ago. You seem to really like her alot, especially if you can't stop thinking about her and all that, oh yeah and still kiss her and all that when you have a boyfriend. Miranda is someone new, ya'lls relationship is new, your liking someone of the same sex is new. New things may be scary sometimes, but once you but that fear aside, you'll find great things. I believe people's fears are mearly mental. Like a road block, you can either choose to stop at it and go no further, or you can choose to go around it and discover the unknown. One thing you have to do, is just be comfortable with yourself, quit worrying about what other people will think, like you parents, Wes or his mom, your friends or what society thinks. Do what makes you happiest. And if Wes really loves you like he supposedly says, then he'll still be there waiting for you if things don't work out with you and Miranda.
Ok so please will you try and make up your mind on what you want, and quit playing with Miranda, shes confused as hell and well its hurting her too. I think things could work out great with you and Miranda, if you actually have it more than 5 days. Give the relationship a chance, take a risk, be true to yourself, do what makes you happiest. You'd be surprised what great things can come from the most surprising places.
Ok so I'm done. I hope you don't think I'm a complete pyscho. And I apologize if you feel I'm butting in to your life. I'm just trying to be a good friend, not just to Miranda, but to you as well. I am not an enemy. I hope I've helped in some degree, rather than making things worse. And the last thing I have to say is, be true to yourself.
Laters,
Erin Jones
BTW, everyone calls me counselor, you can call me that too if you want, lol, cause obviously you now know why they call me that.
Hey April, I hope you remember me. Erin, you met me at Miranda's that one day. I just wanted to email you and just well, express my feelings. Being on the outside of things, I see alot of things other people don't. Ok so here it goes. Yeah Miranda is my ex, but shes also my best friend, and it kills me to know when shes upset. I broke her heart, and its been hard for her to get close to anyone since. You are the first person shes gotten close to since me, and I think that says alot. Theres something special about you that she can't help but resist. Shes drawn to you. She took a chance with you, she took a risk, she put her heart out there with the chance of getting hurt again. And well she did get hurt, and just to be honest it doesn't help that you messing with her head.
Ok so I know I don't really know you, but you'd be surprised how much I do know about you. So you and Miranda were officially together 5 days, and you got back together with your ex-boyfriend of 3 years, 3 years today right? She told me what he and his mom were saying to you, the whole thing where you were going to hell. Let me ask you something, if someone really loves you, they are going to love you no matter what (meaning if your gay, have something physically wrong, etc.), right? So if Wes really cared about you, he wouldn't care who you hang out with, or if your gay, or any of that. From what I know about Wes, he seems like a complete asshole. And yeah, I do think that you got back together with him cause they were pressuring you, so you got back with him so they'd get off your back. And also I think, you're just used to him, I mean you've been with him for 3 years, your used to the way he treats you, the way everything with the relationship works, so its easier to keep going with the rhythm of it all. You know, love isn't easy, its has its ups and downs, but in the end, everything ends up being ok. You're settling on the easy path right now, but I don't think its necessarily the right path.
Ok and this part comes in. You are always saying how much you think of Miranda and miss her, and miss the little things she does, or her cute nose. And you say when Wes and you cuddle it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel near as good with Miranda. You're always thinking of her, you can't wait to see her, how ya'll two feel head over heels for each other, how you can't stand not to kiss her, etc. You should ask yourself why you seem to care more about her than Wes.
Ok so the gay thing. You've never felt this way about a girl right? You're scared right? Hell who wouldn't be scared. Liking someone of the same sex is not how we were brought up, so society looks down on it cause its not the normal thing to do. I say fuck them all, love is love, no matter who its with, no matter the gender, race, age, or any of that. Its ok to be scared, but don't hide how you really feel. See I'm one person that believes that a person is cheating even if its by having a gf and bf at the same time, still cheating, still with two people at the same time. So the whole thing with you being with Wes and still kind of being with Miranda, it well bothers me. And well I think you should take a chance with Miranda, take a risk. Quotes:
"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far."--Erica Jong
"What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better."--Doris Lessing
"Take risks ... be willing to put your mind and your spirit, your time and your energy, your stomach and your emotions on the line. To search for a safe place, to search for an end to a rainbow, is to search for a place that you will hate once you find it. The best nourishment for any soul is to create your own risks."--Jim Lehrer
And my favorite:
"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free."--Anonymous Chicago teacher
Ok so my main point, you've been with Wes off and on for 3 years, you just met Miranda not too long ago. You seem to really like her alot, especially if you can't stop thinking about her and all that, oh yeah and still kiss her and all that when you have a boyfriend. Miranda is someone new, ya'lls relationship is new, your liking someone of the same sex is new. New things may be scary sometimes, but once you but that fear aside, you'll find great things. I believe people's fears are mearly mental. Like a road block, you can either choose to stop at it and go no further, or you can choose to go around it and discover the unknown. One thing you have to do, is just be comfortable with yourself, quit worrying about what other people will think, like you parents, Wes or his mom, your friends or what society thinks. Do what makes you happiest. And if Wes really loves you like he supposedly says, then he'll still be there waiting for you if things don't work out with you and Miranda.
Ok so please will you try and make up your mind on what you want, and quit playing with Miranda, shes confused as hell and well its hurting her too. I think things could work out great with you and Miranda, if you actually have it more than 5 days. Give the relationship a chance, take a risk, be true to yourself, do what makes you happiest. You'd be surprised what great things can come from the most surprising places.
Ok so I'm done. I hope you don't think I'm a complete pyscho. And I apologize if you feel I'm butting in to your life. I'm just trying to be a good friend, not just to Miranda, but to you as well. I am not an enemy. I hope I've helped in some degree, rather than making things worse. And the last thing I have to say is, be true to yourself.
Laters,
Erin Jones
BTW, everyone calls me counselor, you can call me that too if you want, lol, cause obviously you now know why they call me that.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
~~So... Holidays Suck~~
Gee to I seem negative. I can't help it, I really do hate holidays. Or well family holidays atleast. Its just a lame excuse for the family to get to get once or twice a year. Hmm... lets see one side of the family (my dad's), don't ever come down at the same time, in order to avoid the others (my uncle Terry, avoiding everyone), and my cousins who have nothing in common with me and just see me as a tag along. And on the other side of the family (my mom's) we have everyone who loves and cares for each other, which for some reason makes me sick, they have nothing in common with me either, they try to talk to me, but theres nothing to talk about All of it is just pure awkwardness. God, if only these people really knew who I was, I mean, the me within me, the me that they have no clue about. If only they knew, wonder how great that'd go over.
I don't know why it is, that family holidays make me so sick, or miserable. I really do hate holidays, with a passion. Theres only so much I can take from people, or well be patient with. Face it, i just cant stand my family, they drive me insane. Its like ok, you've never shown me love, except when holidays come around, and then all the sudden you decide to take time to show me love, and pretend that you care to talk to me. Don't they realize that I see straight through them. I'd rather them completely ignore me, then to pretend that they care. Ok and another thing, our family is not that close at all, we never say that we love each other, we just all assume it, its just there. Mom and I never hug, never have. Dad hugs me, tells me he loves me, but why has it always felt fake? (perhaps cause hes never really been there for me). I can't really explain everything, its just like this underlying feeling that I've always had. Its not a matter of the food or how many presents I get, its never been about that, all that stuff has been there for me, but family holidays just make me miserable. I guess the basic reason I can find is that my parents are divorced, and family holidays are about family, we don't have a family, we have families, seperate ones, ones that don't interact anymore, its sad, but its just life right?
Well I'm thinking the holidays might be better this year, for one I'm not insanely depressed and suicidal. And two, I'm more outgoing now, sort of. So thanksgiving might be good tomorrow, Kyle won't be there to save me from my mom's family, like he always has, hes going to Mema and Grangran's house (my dad's parents), but its all good, I'll just take a book to read, or well just go to sleep.
But as for Christmas, thats a whole different story. Christmas is going to be GREAT this year!! Seriously. I do not plan on being stuck here in Texas, where I don't want to be. I am planning on going to spend about a week or more with Sara, the one from Hawaii/Washinton, lol. Ever since I got on my meds, and got school sorted out, cleaned my room (which has its own underlying message, its like cleaning up my life, and getting rid of my baggage), I've been able to get my thoughts and feelings in order and under control. In simplar words, I've finally got my head out of my ass, and realized how great Sara is, I knew she was great, but damn. I can't even begin to explain how I feel towards her. I've gone the research, planned it out, I am going to see her. Fuck Christmas with the family, I don't give a shit about that. I care about Sara, I believe this will be the first happy Christmas I've had in a very long time. You know what the cool thing is, her mom doesn't care, they're going to be in Las Vegas with family like the whole break, and she doesn't care if I come up (from what I know atleast). I asked my mom about it the other day, and she was like I don't want you going by yourself, which means theres room to work, I will go on my own, I always manage to work things like that out (besides who'd go with me, or in other words who would I want to go with me, NO ONE, this trip is for me and Sara dammit). I told my mom, that I didn't have all the specifics worked out yet (which I pretty much do, except for the permission factor), but that I just wanted to put the idea in her head, and I told her, besides you know as well as I do that I hate holidays.
But Yeah, I'm totally psyched, I've never felt so sure about anything before, as I am now. My mind is so clear now, no complications, no complicated feelings. I know what I feel, I want her, she wants me, I care about her more than anyone could ever know. And damn, what gets me everytime with her, is her voice and the sound of her guitar, when she sings for me on the phone. Damn, its amazing, I get this calm, soothing feeling all throughout my body, and I can't stop smiling, even after she stops singing, I love it. She has an amazing view of life too, I can't really explain it, you'd just have to know her, know her thoughts. I'm so excited!!!!! I finally will get to meet her, see her with my own eyes, touch her, hold her, hear her beautiful voice, look into those eyes I've so been longing to look into. So many things, finally can happen. I told her dammit, I promised her, told her again and again, I was coming to see her, she never really believed it, I stopped believing for awhile (when I had lost hope in everything else as well), but I always keep true to my original promises. I am going to see her. A long ass drive, by myself, is it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!! Wow I haven't thought so clearly in along time. I am happy, I am content, I am clear. My feelings are true, my feelings are real, my feelings are infinite.
Gee to I seem negative. I can't help it, I really do hate holidays. Or well family holidays atleast. Its just a lame excuse for the family to get to get once or twice a year. Hmm... lets see one side of the family (my dad's), don't ever come down at the same time, in order to avoid the others (my uncle Terry, avoiding everyone), and my cousins who have nothing in common with me and just see me as a tag along. And on the other side of the family (my mom's) we have everyone who loves and cares for each other, which for some reason makes me sick, they have nothing in common with me either, they try to talk to me, but theres nothing to talk about All of it is just pure awkwardness. God, if only these people really knew who I was, I mean, the me within me, the me that they have no clue about. If only they knew, wonder how great that'd go over.
I don't know why it is, that family holidays make me so sick, or miserable. I really do hate holidays, with a passion. Theres only so much I can take from people, or well be patient with. Face it, i just cant stand my family, they drive me insane. Its like ok, you've never shown me love, except when holidays come around, and then all the sudden you decide to take time to show me love, and pretend that you care to talk to me. Don't they realize that I see straight through them. I'd rather them completely ignore me, then to pretend that they care. Ok and another thing, our family is not that close at all, we never say that we love each other, we just all assume it, its just there. Mom and I never hug, never have. Dad hugs me, tells me he loves me, but why has it always felt fake? (perhaps cause hes never really been there for me). I can't really explain everything, its just like this underlying feeling that I've always had. Its not a matter of the food or how many presents I get, its never been about that, all that stuff has been there for me, but family holidays just make me miserable. I guess the basic reason I can find is that my parents are divorced, and family holidays are about family, we don't have a family, we have families, seperate ones, ones that don't interact anymore, its sad, but its just life right?
Well I'm thinking the holidays might be better this year, for one I'm not insanely depressed and suicidal. And two, I'm more outgoing now, sort of. So thanksgiving might be good tomorrow, Kyle won't be there to save me from my mom's family, like he always has, hes going to Mema and Grangran's house (my dad's parents), but its all good, I'll just take a book to read, or well just go to sleep.
But as for Christmas, thats a whole different story. Christmas is going to be GREAT this year!! Seriously. I do not plan on being stuck here in Texas, where I don't want to be. I am planning on going to spend about a week or more with Sara, the one from Hawaii/Washinton, lol. Ever since I got on my meds, and got school sorted out, cleaned my room (which has its own underlying message, its like cleaning up my life, and getting rid of my baggage), I've been able to get my thoughts and feelings in order and under control. In simplar words, I've finally got my head out of my ass, and realized how great Sara is, I knew she was great, but damn. I can't even begin to explain how I feel towards her. I've gone the research, planned it out, I am going to see her. Fuck Christmas with the family, I don't give a shit about that. I care about Sara, I believe this will be the first happy Christmas I've had in a very long time. You know what the cool thing is, her mom doesn't care, they're going to be in Las Vegas with family like the whole break, and she doesn't care if I come up (from what I know atleast). I asked my mom about it the other day, and she was like I don't want you going by yourself, which means theres room to work, I will go on my own, I always manage to work things like that out (besides who'd go with me, or in other words who would I want to go with me, NO ONE, this trip is for me and Sara dammit). I told my mom, that I didn't have all the specifics worked out yet (which I pretty much do, except for the permission factor), but that I just wanted to put the idea in her head, and I told her, besides you know as well as I do that I hate holidays.
But Yeah, I'm totally psyched, I've never felt so sure about anything before, as I am now. My mind is so clear now, no complications, no complicated feelings. I know what I feel, I want her, she wants me, I care about her more than anyone could ever know. And damn, what gets me everytime with her, is her voice and the sound of her guitar, when she sings for me on the phone. Damn, its amazing, I get this calm, soothing feeling all throughout my body, and I can't stop smiling, even after she stops singing, I love it. She has an amazing view of life too, I can't really explain it, you'd just have to know her, know her thoughts. I'm so excited!!!!! I finally will get to meet her, see her with my own eyes, touch her, hold her, hear her beautiful voice, look into those eyes I've so been longing to look into. So many things, finally can happen. I told her dammit, I promised her, told her again and again, I was coming to see her, she never really believed it, I stopped believing for awhile (when I had lost hope in everything else as well), but I always keep true to my original promises. I am going to see her. A long ass drive, by myself, is it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!! Wow I haven't thought so clearly in along time. I am happy, I am content, I am clear. My feelings are true, my feelings are real, my feelings are infinite.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
**A Letter to Bree, and rather than rewriting this in my blogger, I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'll actually write in my blogger tommorrow, when its not 3:15 in the morning.**
Hey Bree, whats up? Nothing much here, its about 3:00 a.m. And I'm still up. I started reading a book earlier and I just finished it a few minutes ago. And well I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I've been meaning to email you, so thats what I'm doing now.
How are you? How are your classes going? Lol I'm sure your back to your normal routine by now. Are you off for thanksgiving break? If you do get to come home, you have to give me a call. I miss being able to hang out with you, like we did this summer. Lol your about the only sane person I know.
Hey while I'm thinking about it, are you going to be here for the ex's game, that would be cool if you played. I talked to Beth the other night, she said she wasn't sure she was going to do it, cause shes so out of shape. I think it would be awesome if all of ya'll game back and played against us. And just to be blunt, we'd actually have a challenge. Scrimmaging in class, is such BS, I don't feel we've gotten anything really acomplished on the field, there just too many dang people. Nearly all of our team is out of shape, cause we hardly do any running. The only time we really accomplish anything is in the weight room, and then work out in the activity center, cause we actually run when we're in there.
I miss Kear more now than ever. I miss yoga, and the team runs, or well the long runs in general. This year is so different from last year. Perhaps more difficult too, for me atleast. I'm struggling with the whole graduating thing, it scares me honestly. I have my future planned, and I know that it will happen. I suppose its just the fact that I'm not very good at letting things go, the people, the places, the experiences.
But anyways, on a good note. I'm pretty sure I've told you about my mom's treatment right, the one for her hepatitis C? Well since shes the lab director and all, she checks her blood on a regular basis, cause she has to know if she needs to take more meds to keep her hemoglobin up, etc. Well I didn't find out till friday, but since a few months after she started the treatment, shes been negative for the Hep C cells, which is really good. And well just a week or two ago, they took her off one of her main meds, and she was afraid the Hep C cells would reappear. But her blood test on friday, showed that the cells still aren't there, which is great news, she is still going to finish out the treatment, which is always good, taking precaution and all that, is always important. But I am really excited about it, it really is great news, cause its hard to see her on this treatment, and also gives me some comfort, knowing that the hep C is gone, cause by having it, she would slowly deteriorate, and that would kill me. I love my mom, shes my hero, and the sheer thought of losing her, its just unexplainable, it would break my heart. But I'm excited now, she should be done with the treatment in January or February.
Ok so well I think I'm wrote a bit too much maybe. So I guess I will go now, hopefully I'll talk to you laters.
Love Always,
Erin
Hey Bree, whats up? Nothing much here, its about 3:00 a.m. And I'm still up. I started reading a book earlier and I just finished it a few minutes ago. And well I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I've been meaning to email you, so thats what I'm doing now.
How are you? How are your classes going? Lol I'm sure your back to your normal routine by now. Are you off for thanksgiving break? If you do get to come home, you have to give me a call. I miss being able to hang out with you, like we did this summer. Lol your about the only sane person I know.
Hey while I'm thinking about it, are you going to be here for the ex's game, that would be cool if you played. I talked to Beth the other night, she said she wasn't sure she was going to do it, cause shes so out of shape. I think it would be awesome if all of ya'll game back and played against us. And just to be blunt, we'd actually have a challenge. Scrimmaging in class, is such BS, I don't feel we've gotten anything really acomplished on the field, there just too many dang people. Nearly all of our team is out of shape, cause we hardly do any running. The only time we really accomplish anything is in the weight room, and then work out in the activity center, cause we actually run when we're in there.
I miss Kear more now than ever. I miss yoga, and the team runs, or well the long runs in general. This year is so different from last year. Perhaps more difficult too, for me atleast. I'm struggling with the whole graduating thing, it scares me honestly. I have my future planned, and I know that it will happen. I suppose its just the fact that I'm not very good at letting things go, the people, the places, the experiences.
But anyways, on a good note. I'm pretty sure I've told you about my mom's treatment right, the one for her hepatitis C? Well since shes the lab director and all, she checks her blood on a regular basis, cause she has to know if she needs to take more meds to keep her hemoglobin up, etc. Well I didn't find out till friday, but since a few months after she started the treatment, shes been negative for the Hep C cells, which is really good. And well just a week or two ago, they took her off one of her main meds, and she was afraid the Hep C cells would reappear. But her blood test on friday, showed that the cells still aren't there, which is great news, she is still going to finish out the treatment, which is always good, taking precaution and all that, is always important. But I am really excited about it, it really is great news, cause its hard to see her on this treatment, and also gives me some comfort, knowing that the hep C is gone, cause by having it, she would slowly deteriorate, and that would kill me. I love my mom, shes my hero, and the sheer thought of losing her, its just unexplainable, it would break my heart. But I'm excited now, she should be done with the treatment in January or February.
Ok so well I think I'm wrote a bit too much maybe. So I guess I will go now, hopefully I'll talk to you laters.
Love Always,
Erin
Sunday, November 16, 2003
**Cleaning**
So yeah the last entry, with the forward type stuff, they were actually forwards. Yeah I've been doing some major cleaning the last two days, and I'm still going at it. I started with my email account, I printed off all the emails I wanted to keep, which was actually ALOT, lol I used about 90% of my black ink cartrige, then I deleted all of those emails. Then I began with my room, I cleaned up the floor, washed all of my sheets and dirty clothes, dusted everything (dresser, desk, window blinds, etc.), then I cleared everything out of my room (pillows, chairs, etc.) and I vacuumed (sp?) it all throughly. Then I began to clean up my computer its-self. I burned all of my files I put on my computer, and burned them all onto one CD. I had several thousand files, maybe not quite that much, but alot of data was on the cd. Then I deleted all of those files. And I just started on my closet a few hours ago. I've been working on seprating all of the clothes I don't want any more, or that don't fit. I'm done with that, and I plan on taking the clothes to Goodwill when I have time.
All of my clean clothes, that I wear all the time, are down stairs, as well as all of the other clean stuff, like my towels. I'm waiting till I'm done cleaning my closet, to hang up all of my clothes. I still have a million different things to go through to decide to keep or throw away, I have a bunch of school papers in my closet, I need to find a box to put them in so I can put them in the attic. I don't know why, but I've never thrown away any school work, we still have stuff from when I was in 1st grade, its crazy. I have a few mums in my closet, I think once I'm done cleaning it, I will hang them up in my closet (cause I don't have any space in my room, except for the ceiling). I need to make a small bookshelf, so I can put all of my books and photo albums up. Or even a chest would work (although I already am using two of them). Anyways, so this is what I've been doing the last two days, since I've had time to do it. Cleaning, is a weird thing, I like to clean, I guess cause I like things to look nice, but also cause I don't think about anything while I'm cleaning, its pretty cool. It gives me a break from the world, I was supposed to finish a letter to someone a few days ago, but I still haven't finished it, even though I'm almost done with it, I just really needed a break, especially after this last week
~~School~~
This last week has been INSANE. I've been so busy. So yeah my problem with sleep, has finally kicked my ass. Luckily I have a kick ass English teacher, and economics teacher too. My economics teacher last 6 weeks let me make up like 4 different things so that I could pass the 6 weeks, and for the trimester exam, we had a review that if we finished it, would be 10 extra points on our final. So I'd been working on it with the only time I had to do it, and I couldn't find probably 2 pages worth of stuff (cause he based the review on the old book, rather than the new one), but I went in a period before the class, and he helped me out alot, like explained what it was (so I could write it down later) or he told me where it was in the book. Even though it wasn't a whole lot on the review he helped me out alot.
And as for my English teacher, Mrs. Stewart, SHE ROCKS!!!!! I love her so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She let me make up stuff from like the first 6 weeks of school, I ended up making up, or well finally turning in "late" work, about 5 worksheets, 10 disagree/agree things on an article we read, and a education paper. I had my character paper in on time, but she still helped me out alot on that. And all of this stuff that I was making up, I started doing monday night, needless to say, I didn't get any sleep this week. Every night I probably went to bed at like 3:30 or 4:00. And continued to work all day at school, even during lunch, and I even stay after school (5th period and more) to work more. I was working constantly on this stuff, I hardly had time for anything. I didn't even eat, I hadn't really ate anything since friday, up until wednesday when I ate at Quizno's. And oh yeah, get this, I took at regular test over Medieval stuff on wednesday, well I made a 40 on it (40 out of 78 questions) and I didn't do the short answers so I made a 40 totally. I failed it because I kept falling asleep the whole time we were reading the stories that the test of mainly over. But well Mrs. Stewart is so cool, with that 40 as a test grade, it would have failed me, well she let me re-take the test. Our final in that class was thursday, and since it was the end of the trimester, we didn't have school on friday. So we agreed for me to come in at 9:00 friday morning. Well I went home after staying late again, and I was going to study more when I got home, but I kind of passed out, and slept all night. But I got to the school at about 8:50, and I didn't leave until 12:30. I studied for about an hour 1/2. Then took my test. On the short answers I didn't remember one of the stories one of the questions was based on, so she let me read it again. Then I finished it. I was so excited. I made a 62 on the questions, and plus the short answers the total I could have made was a 84, but since I was retaking it she said she was going to have to count off on it, which she is really cool, so I don't think she took off much, and I think I did really well on the short answers. I mean I know I passed the class, so I'm thrilled.
Next trimester I am not going to sleep, I am determined not to sleep, I will not get behind in my classes. Mrs. Stewart and I were talking about my sleeping, friday, and she said is sounded like I had sleep-apnia, or something like that. Cause I can't control my sleeping at all, and I even sleep enough at home. Someone told me I'm always tired cause I'm anemic, but its more than that. I'm not just tired, I always fall asleep, randomly, no matter how I'm sitting, standing up, writing, holding something up (like in band, I could hold my tuba up, and still be asleep). Its not natural, I'm going to look into it somemore. I'm willing to do anything to keep from falling asleep. And no matter what anyone says, caffeine does nothing for me at all, trust me I know, I can drink a coke, and two seconds later I'll be asleep. But anyways, enough of that.
Well its late, I think I'm going to go try and finish something else on my closet, or I'm going to go to sleep. Laters.
So yeah the last entry, with the forward type stuff, they were actually forwards. Yeah I've been doing some major cleaning the last two days, and I'm still going at it. I started with my email account, I printed off all the emails I wanted to keep, which was actually ALOT, lol I used about 90% of my black ink cartrige, then I deleted all of those emails. Then I began with my room, I cleaned up the floor, washed all of my sheets and dirty clothes, dusted everything (dresser, desk, window blinds, etc.), then I cleared everything out of my room (pillows, chairs, etc.) and I vacuumed (sp?) it all throughly. Then I began to clean up my computer its-self. I burned all of my files I put on my computer, and burned them all onto one CD. I had several thousand files, maybe not quite that much, but alot of data was on the cd. Then I deleted all of those files. And I just started on my closet a few hours ago. I've been working on seprating all of the clothes I don't want any more, or that don't fit. I'm done with that, and I plan on taking the clothes to Goodwill when I have time.
All of my clean clothes, that I wear all the time, are down stairs, as well as all of the other clean stuff, like my towels. I'm waiting till I'm done cleaning my closet, to hang up all of my clothes. I still have a million different things to go through to decide to keep or throw away, I have a bunch of school papers in my closet, I need to find a box to put them in so I can put them in the attic. I don't know why, but I've never thrown away any school work, we still have stuff from when I was in 1st grade, its crazy. I have a few mums in my closet, I think once I'm done cleaning it, I will hang them up in my closet (cause I don't have any space in my room, except for the ceiling). I need to make a small bookshelf, so I can put all of my books and photo albums up. Or even a chest would work (although I already am using two of them). Anyways, so this is what I've been doing the last two days, since I've had time to do it. Cleaning, is a weird thing, I like to clean, I guess cause I like things to look nice, but also cause I don't think about anything while I'm cleaning, its pretty cool. It gives me a break from the world, I was supposed to finish a letter to someone a few days ago, but I still haven't finished it, even though I'm almost done with it, I just really needed a break, especially after this last week
~~School~~
This last week has been INSANE. I've been so busy. So yeah my problem with sleep, has finally kicked my ass. Luckily I have a kick ass English teacher, and economics teacher too. My economics teacher last 6 weeks let me make up like 4 different things so that I could pass the 6 weeks, and for the trimester exam, we had a review that if we finished it, would be 10 extra points on our final. So I'd been working on it with the only time I had to do it, and I couldn't find probably 2 pages worth of stuff (cause he based the review on the old book, rather than the new one), but I went in a period before the class, and he helped me out alot, like explained what it was (so I could write it down later) or he told me where it was in the book. Even though it wasn't a whole lot on the review he helped me out alot.
And as for my English teacher, Mrs. Stewart, SHE ROCKS!!!!! I love her so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She let me make up stuff from like the first 6 weeks of school, I ended up making up, or well finally turning in "late" work, about 5 worksheets, 10 disagree/agree things on an article we read, and a education paper. I had my character paper in on time, but she still helped me out alot on that. And all of this stuff that I was making up, I started doing monday night, needless to say, I didn't get any sleep this week. Every night I probably went to bed at like 3:30 or 4:00. And continued to work all day at school, even during lunch, and I even stay after school (5th period and more) to work more. I was working constantly on this stuff, I hardly had time for anything. I didn't even eat, I hadn't really ate anything since friday, up until wednesday when I ate at Quizno's. And oh yeah, get this, I took at regular test over Medieval stuff on wednesday, well I made a 40 on it (40 out of 78 questions) and I didn't do the short answers so I made a 40 totally. I failed it because I kept falling asleep the whole time we were reading the stories that the test of mainly over. But well Mrs. Stewart is so cool, with that 40 as a test grade, it would have failed me, well she let me re-take the test. Our final in that class was thursday, and since it was the end of the trimester, we didn't have school on friday. So we agreed for me to come in at 9:00 friday morning. Well I went home after staying late again, and I was going to study more when I got home, but I kind of passed out, and slept all night. But I got to the school at about 8:50, and I didn't leave until 12:30. I studied for about an hour 1/2. Then took my test. On the short answers I didn't remember one of the stories one of the questions was based on, so she let me read it again. Then I finished it. I was so excited. I made a 62 on the questions, and plus the short answers the total I could have made was a 84, but since I was retaking it she said she was going to have to count off on it, which she is really cool, so I don't think she took off much, and I think I did really well on the short answers. I mean I know I passed the class, so I'm thrilled.
Next trimester I am not going to sleep, I am determined not to sleep, I will not get behind in my classes. Mrs. Stewart and I were talking about my sleeping, friday, and she said is sounded like I had sleep-apnia, or something like that. Cause I can't control my sleeping at all, and I even sleep enough at home. Someone told me I'm always tired cause I'm anemic, but its more than that. I'm not just tired, I always fall asleep, randomly, no matter how I'm sitting, standing up, writing, holding something up (like in band, I could hold my tuba up, and still be asleep). Its not natural, I'm going to look into it somemore. I'm willing to do anything to keep from falling asleep. And no matter what anyone says, caffeine does nothing for me at all, trust me I know, I can drink a coke, and two seconds later I'll be asleep. But anyways, enough of that.
Well its late, I think I'm going to go try and finish something else on my closet, or I'm going to go to sleep. Laters.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
...a Friend does most or all of these...
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
1.) First name : Erin
2.) Middle name: Lindsay
3.) Last name: Jones
4.) Hobbies: sleeping, internet, and playing sports
5.)Closest Friend(s) of the Same Sex: Sara, Miranda, Gina, Ashlee
6.) Closest Friend(s) of the Opposite Sex: Zach, Josh, Kirk
7.) Best friend u trust more than anyone: Michelle
8.)Person that Knows the Most About You: Miranda
9.) Best quality in a friend: trust and honesty
10.) Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): goint to playoffs in soccer
11.) Funniest Person you Know: Nikki
12.) Quietest Person you know: Ally
13.) Most annoying Person you know: lol Miranda, no j/k Paige Cress
~Favorites~
14.) Favorite Season: spring
15.) Favorite Summer Activity: jet skiing, sleeping, staying up late
16.) Favorite Winter Activity: playing soccer
17.) Favorite Holiday: St. Patricks Day, I'm not much for family holidays
18.) Favorite Vacation Spot: vacation, whats that? umm... we used to go skiing in Ruidoso, NM.
19.) Favorite Color(s): Red
20.) Favorite Book: Annie on my Mind
21.) Favorite (dream) car: my brothers red, 1979 chevrolet truck, its beautiful and it just sits in our driveway, no one drives it
22.) Favorite Sport(s) to watch: volleyball, basketball, football and women's soccer
23.) Favorite Sport(s) to play: soccer, softball
24.) Favorite Thing to Sleep In: basketball shorts and a t-shirt
25.) Favorite Shoes: my tennis shoes
26.) Favorite school subject: history
27.) Favorite Teacher: Mrs. Stewart
28.) Favorite Conversation Topic: basically anything, since I can ramble about everything
29.) Favorite Feeling: waking up in a really warm comfortable bed, being hugged
30.) Your Personality Type: understanding, outgoing and shy at the same time
31.) One Place you want to go to (you've never been there): Europe
32.) What you wanna be when you grow up: I don't know specifically, I just know it will have to do with international business, I want to travel
33.) What college do you want to go to: Northwood University, its in Cedar Hill
34.) Something You're Picked on Most About: gee i wonder, my height
35.) Best Compliment you've ever gotten: people telling me I look cute, and that I'm a hoss (good at soccer)
36.) Biggest Fear: not being loved, being alone
37.) Thing you most regret: telling a friend I liked them, which ultimately ruined our friendship
38.) One thing you hope you do before you die: find someone to love and be with the rest of my life
39.) Silliest moment: dressing up for spirit days
40.) Do you sleep with a pound puppy? no, but I have one
41.) One thing you would change about yourself: I'd be taller, and I wouldn't shut down when in a relationship (I'd share everything that I thought)
42.) Most prized possession: my room
43.) Are you nice or mean? generally I'm nice, but I have my moments
44.) Bright or dull? bright
45.) Are you smart? I'm not book smart, but I'm worldly smart
47.) Do you make fun of people? only if they're my friends
48.)Don't you enjoy making fun of people? if its my friends then yeah, but not making fun of them in a mean way
49.) Are you prejudice against anyone? nope
50.) What's one thing you don't like about your personality? I over analyze things, I trust people too easily
51.) What's one thing you like about your personality? I'm easy to talk to, and people can talk to me about anything (thats why they call me the counselor)
52.) are u annoying? lol I'm sure I can be
53.) Are you ignorant? no
54.) Are u in denial? not currently, but I am sometimes
55.) Are you conceited? no
58.) Do you ever give people dirty looks? definately, but for good reasons (letting them know how I feel)
59.) Have you ever been kissed ? by a guy, no
60.) Boyfriend or Girlfriend? nope
Crush: always
62.) Their name(s): Kyle Marsh
63.) Ever been in love: yes
64.) What turns you on? someone thats intellectual
65.) Hair curly or straight? doesn't matter
66.) Hair color? doesn't matter
67.) Eyes? I tend to go for blue, green, or hazel
68.) Things you hate most about them? don't always follow through on things, like calling
69.) Things you love most about them? very sweet
70)What do they look best in? band uniforms
You Consider Yourself~
71.) Popular: yeah
72.) Athletic: definately
73.) Artistic: definately not artistic, but definately creative
This or That~
74.) Be serious or be funny? both, depends on the the moment
75.) Boxers or briefs? lol, briefs
76.) Whole or skim milk? whole
77.) Single or taken? I'd rather be taken
78.) Simple or complicated? simple
79.) Law or anarchy? law
80.) Love or like? love
81.)read or write? both
83.) Sunrise or sunset? sunset...I'm not much of a morning person. But sunrises are awesome when you've been up all night working on something
84.) Is it POP or SODA?? coke
85.) X or O in tic-tac-toe? X
86.) Eat an apple or an orange? apple
87.) Guy movie or chick flick? chick flick
88.) Sun or moon? moon
89.) Emerald or ruby? emerald I guess
90.) Pants or shorts? shorts, but I hate having to shave
91.) Left or right? right
92.)10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend
93.) Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? vanilla, but I prefer strawberry
94.) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry? silver
95.) Cat or dog? dog
96.) Warm or Cold? warm
97.) Ketchup or mustard? ketchup
98.) Newspaper or magazine? newspaper
99.) Sandals or sneakers? sneakers, they don't fall off as much
100.) Happy and poor or rich and sad? happy and poor
102) Hug or kiss? hugs
103.) Looks or Personality? personality
104.) Body or Mind? mind
105.) Sweet or Sexy (opposite sex)? sweet
Miscellaneous~
106.) Color of your bedroom: red, green, blue, yellow, and my ceiling is purple, my bathroom is orange, grey, and the ceiling is black
107) Size of your bed: twin, had it all my life
108.) Color socks you're wearing: not wearing any, but they're always white
109.) Morning or night person? definately night
110.) Are you ticklish? yeah you could say that
111.) Do you have a job? generally just in the summer, but I've been looking for one, but everyone is fully staffed, it sucks
112.) Any scars? Definately, theres too many to count
113.) Fave saying or expression or quote: always have faith
2.) Middle name: Lindsay
3.) Last name: Jones
4.) Hobbies: sleeping, internet, and playing sports
5.)Closest Friend(s) of the Same Sex: Sara, Miranda, Gina, Ashlee
6.) Closest Friend(s) of the Opposite Sex: Zach, Josh, Kirk
7.) Best friend u trust more than anyone: Michelle
8.)Person that Knows the Most About You: Miranda
9.) Best quality in a friend: trust and honesty
10.) Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): goint to playoffs in soccer
11.) Funniest Person you Know: Nikki
12.) Quietest Person you know: Ally
13.) Most annoying Person you know: lol Miranda, no j/k Paige Cress
~Favorites~
14.) Favorite Season: spring
15.) Favorite Summer Activity: jet skiing, sleeping, staying up late
16.) Favorite Winter Activity: playing soccer
17.) Favorite Holiday: St. Patricks Day, I'm not much for family holidays
18.) Favorite Vacation Spot: vacation, whats that? umm... we used to go skiing in Ruidoso, NM.
19.) Favorite Color(s): Red
20.) Favorite Book: Annie on my Mind
21.) Favorite (dream) car: my brothers red, 1979 chevrolet truck, its beautiful and it just sits in our driveway, no one drives it
22.) Favorite Sport(s) to watch: volleyball, basketball, football and women's soccer
23.) Favorite Sport(s) to play: soccer, softball
24.) Favorite Thing to Sleep In: basketball shorts and a t-shirt
25.) Favorite Shoes: my tennis shoes
26.) Favorite school subject: history
27.) Favorite Teacher: Mrs. Stewart
28.) Favorite Conversation Topic: basically anything, since I can ramble about everything
29.) Favorite Feeling: waking up in a really warm comfortable bed, being hugged
30.) Your Personality Type: understanding, outgoing and shy at the same time
31.) One Place you want to go to (you've never been there): Europe
32.) What you wanna be when you grow up: I don't know specifically, I just know it will have to do with international business, I want to travel
33.) What college do you want to go to: Northwood University, its in Cedar Hill
34.) Something You're Picked on Most About: gee i wonder, my height
35.) Best Compliment you've ever gotten: people telling me I look cute, and that I'm a hoss (good at soccer)
36.) Biggest Fear: not being loved, being alone
37.) Thing you most regret: telling a friend I liked them, which ultimately ruined our friendship
38.) One thing you hope you do before you die: find someone to love and be with the rest of my life
39.) Silliest moment: dressing up for spirit days
40.) Do you sleep with a pound puppy? no, but I have one
41.) One thing you would change about yourself: I'd be taller, and I wouldn't shut down when in a relationship (I'd share everything that I thought)
42.) Most prized possession: my room
43.) Are you nice or mean? generally I'm nice, but I have my moments
44.) Bright or dull? bright
45.) Are you smart? I'm not book smart, but I'm worldly smart
47.) Do you make fun of people? only if they're my friends
48.)Don't you enjoy making fun of people? if its my friends then yeah, but not making fun of them in a mean way
49.) Are you prejudice against anyone? nope
50.) What's one thing you don't like about your personality? I over analyze things, I trust people too easily
51.) What's one thing you like about your personality? I'm easy to talk to, and people can talk to me about anything (thats why they call me the counselor)
52.) are u annoying? lol I'm sure I can be
53.) Are you ignorant? no
54.) Are u in denial? not currently, but I am sometimes
55.) Are you conceited? no
58.) Do you ever give people dirty looks? definately, but for good reasons (letting them know how I feel)
59.) Have you ever been kissed ? by a guy, no
60.) Boyfriend or Girlfriend? nope
Crush: always
62.) Their name(s): Kyle Marsh
63.) Ever been in love: yes
64.) What turns you on? someone thats intellectual
65.) Hair curly or straight? doesn't matter
66.) Hair color? doesn't matter
67.) Eyes? I tend to go for blue, green, or hazel
68.) Things you hate most about them? don't always follow through on things, like calling
69.) Things you love most about them? very sweet
70)What do they look best in? band uniforms
You Consider Yourself~
71.) Popular: yeah
72.) Athletic: definately
73.) Artistic: definately not artistic, but definately creative
This or That~
74.) Be serious or be funny? both, depends on the the moment
75.) Boxers or briefs? lol, briefs
76.) Whole or skim milk? whole
77.) Single or taken? I'd rather be taken
78.) Simple or complicated? simple
79.) Law or anarchy? law
80.) Love or like? love
81.)read or write? both
83.) Sunrise or sunset? sunset...I'm not much of a morning person. But sunrises are awesome when you've been up all night working on something
84.) Is it POP or SODA?? coke
85.) X or O in tic-tac-toe? X
86.) Eat an apple or an orange? apple
87.) Guy movie or chick flick? chick flick
88.) Sun or moon? moon
89.) Emerald or ruby? emerald I guess
90.) Pants or shorts? shorts, but I hate having to shave
91.) Left or right? right
92.)10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend
93.) Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? vanilla, but I prefer strawberry
94.) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry? silver
95.) Cat or dog? dog
96.) Warm or Cold? warm
97.) Ketchup or mustard? ketchup
98.) Newspaper or magazine? newspaper
99.) Sandals or sneakers? sneakers, they don't fall off as much
100.) Happy and poor or rich and sad? happy and poor
102) Hug or kiss? hugs
103.) Looks or Personality? personality
104.) Body or Mind? mind
105.) Sweet or Sexy (opposite sex)? sweet
Miscellaneous~
106.) Color of your bedroom: red, green, blue, yellow, and my ceiling is purple, my bathroom is orange, grey, and the ceiling is black
107) Size of your bed: twin, had it all my life
108.) Color socks you're wearing: not wearing any, but they're always white
109.) Morning or night person? definately night
110.) Are you ticklish? yeah you could say that
111.) Do you have a job? generally just in the summer, but I've been looking for one, but everyone is fully staffed, it sucks
112.) Any scars? Definately, theres too many to count
113.) Fave saying or expression or quote: always have faith
Monday, November 10, 2003
**Starting Meds**
So generally I've always thought that taking medicine for depression was just a big joke. Sometimes depression is just a chemical embalance, they said. I just thought it was a bunch of bullshit. My mom tried putting me on it before, needless to say it didn't work because of the situation it was in, I had logical reasons to be depressed. I think I tried taking it again later to help me sleep, but I always forgot to take it, so when I finally ran out of it, I didn't get it refilled. But like I said the situations are different. I know my depression the last few months, have not been logical at all. So the last few doctor visits I've had relating to my ovaries (and something other than pms and being pregnant, lol, I'll explain later). So my first appointment I explained to my doctor what was going on and asked if I could get back on zoloft, and he said yeah sure. So I have the doctors sample for now, I have to go back in a about a week to tell him if its working or not, and if it is then I'll probably get a prescription for it. Which I am very happy to announce that it has been seeming to work. Which yeah side effects always kind of suck. Lol I've been having hot flashes, and it makes me feel super tired sometimes (usually the middle of the day, 3rd period, and I basically can't stop yawning and my body feels like I could just fall over). But as for keeping my emotions normal, its been working great. As for helping me concentrate better, it has definately been working. And I'm not just saying this, it has been working for me, I know it may not work for other people, but the situations are different, every situation is different in some way. But I haven't been able to focus like this in quite awhile.
It calms me quite a bit, cause well my grades have really slipped and luckily I have some kickass teachers, that aren't counting anything against me. They're letting me finish the work I didn't complete or just didn't do. I love my teachers. I'm so thankful for them, otherwise, I would probably be failing. Plus well they've kept me in check with myself, not just letting me fall behind, they've stayed on me about getting my stuff done. They really seem to care, my teachers at my old school never really seemed to be this effective with me.
Ok and as for my problem relating to my ovaries. My doctor said I was most like having midsmerts. Which is when half way through a girls cycle, something in the ovaries (not sure what its called, but just think of it as something like a balloon) ruptures to release new eggs into the cycle. Generally this goes unnoticed, but sometimes it is more severe, so then you experience pains, like when you're PMSing (which is actually before you bleed, lol guys don't seem to understand that), you have cramps and stuff. Well I thought originally I had a urinary tract infection, but my urine was completely clean. So the doctor said if it didn't go away within a few days to go back and see him. Well it didn't go away so I went and saw him again last week. And let me tell you, constant cramps that hurt like a mofo, and having an urgency to pee all the time, and when you pee its not very much and then it hurts afterwards, well its not very much fun. So when I went back to the doctor, they did another urine test, and once again it was completely clean. So they set up and appointment the next day for me to have a pelvic sonogram. Now let me tell you, it was great fun. I had to have a full bladder, or 32 oz. of liquid in me. Well I had more than 32 oz. and I wasn't allowed to pee until the sonogram was over, from the time I had my last drink of something, I had to wait about an hour 1/2. It really sucked. But they were checking to see if I had any cysts or anything. Which luckily I don't have any, but he said that my uterus lining was thick, which meant I was probably fixing to start my period. Which apparently he was right (but I didn't find out till after the fact), I started saturday, which was about a week early. It really pissed me off, damn midsmerts, lol. But nah... its all good, having it on weekends is better anyways. But yeah theres nothing wrong with me so thats always a plus.
So generally I've always thought that taking medicine for depression was just a big joke. Sometimes depression is just a chemical embalance, they said. I just thought it was a bunch of bullshit. My mom tried putting me on it before, needless to say it didn't work because of the situation it was in, I had logical reasons to be depressed. I think I tried taking it again later to help me sleep, but I always forgot to take it, so when I finally ran out of it, I didn't get it refilled. But like I said the situations are different. I know my depression the last few months, have not been logical at all. So the last few doctor visits I've had relating to my ovaries (and something other than pms and being pregnant, lol, I'll explain later). So my first appointment I explained to my doctor what was going on and asked if I could get back on zoloft, and he said yeah sure. So I have the doctors sample for now, I have to go back in a about a week to tell him if its working or not, and if it is then I'll probably get a prescription for it. Which I am very happy to announce that it has been seeming to work. Which yeah side effects always kind of suck. Lol I've been having hot flashes, and it makes me feel super tired sometimes (usually the middle of the day, 3rd period, and I basically can't stop yawning and my body feels like I could just fall over). But as for keeping my emotions normal, its been working great. As for helping me concentrate better, it has definately been working. And I'm not just saying this, it has been working for me, I know it may not work for other people, but the situations are different, every situation is different in some way. But I haven't been able to focus like this in quite awhile.
It calms me quite a bit, cause well my grades have really slipped and luckily I have some kickass teachers, that aren't counting anything against me. They're letting me finish the work I didn't complete or just didn't do. I love my teachers. I'm so thankful for them, otherwise, I would probably be failing. Plus well they've kept me in check with myself, not just letting me fall behind, they've stayed on me about getting my stuff done. They really seem to care, my teachers at my old school never really seemed to be this effective with me.
Ok and as for my problem relating to my ovaries. My doctor said I was most like having midsmerts. Which is when half way through a girls cycle, something in the ovaries (not sure what its called, but just think of it as something like a balloon) ruptures to release new eggs into the cycle. Generally this goes unnoticed, but sometimes it is more severe, so then you experience pains, like when you're PMSing (which is actually before you bleed, lol guys don't seem to understand that), you have cramps and stuff. Well I thought originally I had a urinary tract infection, but my urine was completely clean. So the doctor said if it didn't go away within a few days to go back and see him. Well it didn't go away so I went and saw him again last week. And let me tell you, constant cramps that hurt like a mofo, and having an urgency to pee all the time, and when you pee its not very much and then it hurts afterwards, well its not very much fun. So when I went back to the doctor, they did another urine test, and once again it was completely clean. So they set up and appointment the next day for me to have a pelvic sonogram. Now let me tell you, it was great fun. I had to have a full bladder, or 32 oz. of liquid in me. Well I had more than 32 oz. and I wasn't allowed to pee until the sonogram was over, from the time I had my last drink of something, I had to wait about an hour 1/2. It really sucked. But they were checking to see if I had any cysts or anything. Which luckily I don't have any, but he said that my uterus lining was thick, which meant I was probably fixing to start my period. Which apparently he was right (but I didn't find out till after the fact), I started saturday, which was about a week early. It really pissed me off, damn midsmerts, lol. But nah... its all good, having it on weekends is better anyways. But yeah theres nothing wrong with me so thats always a plus.
I always say to people who listen to me while I rant and rave, ''My thoughts and feelings go out to the world, independent of whether or not someone (anyone) is listening. And for those whose thoughts and feelings I get back, are undue gifts I have no clue why I deserve.'' --Ian Hosein (about his blogger).
Saturday, November 08, 2003
~~Being Questioned~~
It always fascinates when people question my actions. Mostly for the nice things I do for people, I don't really know why I do things, I just want to do something nice for someone else, so I do it and I don't much else about it. Like two girls in two different classes, always asked for candy or gum. So when all of the big bags of candy I went and bought each of them a big bag (the good candy, the mix of jawbreakers, gum, suckers, smarties, tootsie rolls, etc.). And I just gave it to them, they asked why, I just said I wanted to.
Today I was questioned about something a little more personal. And even if it wasn't hinting to something, it still kind of hurt my feelings. Straight for the last week, I've been working on a project every free moment, staying up till 2 in the morning, trying to finish it. I finished thursday. I was doing it for Rebecca. Last time we hung out we were listening to one of my Hanson cd's, and she said she should get some of their music. So I figured ok, I'll do this for her. I burned all 6 Hanson cds I have, made special labels (the cover of the cd booklets on the label, not just writing the name of the cd) for them and I copied all of the lyrics off the net, printed them out, hole punched them, made a cover sheet for each cd with the list of songs and the booklet cover picture thing, and put it all into a folder. And well on her website, she has posted a lot of different song lyrics. And I've always written them down, and downloaded them, which I stopped doing for about 5 months. Well I caught up on it all, and I finished downloading all the songs, I put them in order from the date (a few were in the wrong order, but still the right dates), burned them on cds, and made special labels. Then I did the whole lyric thing again, and hole punched them all, made a cover page for it and a list of songs, and put it in another folder. I put all of the cds in a case. Last time we hung out, she mentioned she wanted the new Vertical Horizon cd, so I bought it for her. Well I went today and left it on her car for her (she was at cross-country, so I had to leave it). Well she called me about an hour ago. She said she did understand where the inspiration came from. Just the way she said it, implied something, something making me feel she was implying I was trying to win her over again, to win her heart back. But I wasn't, I was just being me, I was being a friend. I was doing something nice for someone else. I was just showing I cared, and I didn't forget about the small things. Hell I do the things no else expects me to do, so thats why I do them. I don't ask for anything in return, nothing at all. I was doing a simple nice thing for someone else, why can't people see that. There we no emotional attachments to this, I was just doing something nice. So please don't misunderstand that. I did work my ass off on doing this project, but I think it was well worth it, I am very proud of what I completed, that is my simple satisfaction. I don't need anything else. I ask nothing, and I don't expect nothing. Just being nice.
Lol I love how when I'm trying to emphasize my point, I tend to repeat myself alot.
I don't know why I do these random things, I guess its just cause I want people to know that people care, even about the insignificant things. There is always someone out there who cares. You know the anonymous person who wrote me, didn't have to write me, but they did, they showed me that they cared, and I don't even know this person. Why do we find ourselves compelled to help other people? Not everyone is this way, but some of us our, is it because we've been through things, and want to share, or because we have more free time and have more time to think about the smaller things. You know, this anonymous person, didn't have to write me, but I'm very grateful that they did. We've actually talked several times since the first email, and I really enjoy this new person in my life.
I'll write about something else in a new entry in just a sec, I want to save this before my internet decides to be retarded again and loses the information.
It always fascinates when people question my actions. Mostly for the nice things I do for people, I don't really know why I do things, I just want to do something nice for someone else, so I do it and I don't much else about it. Like two girls in two different classes, always asked for candy or gum. So when all of the big bags of candy I went and bought each of them a big bag (the good candy, the mix of jawbreakers, gum, suckers, smarties, tootsie rolls, etc.). And I just gave it to them, they asked why, I just said I wanted to.
Today I was questioned about something a little more personal. And even if it wasn't hinting to something, it still kind of hurt my feelings. Straight for the last week, I've been working on a project every free moment, staying up till 2 in the morning, trying to finish it. I finished thursday. I was doing it for Rebecca. Last time we hung out we were listening to one of my Hanson cd's, and she said she should get some of their music. So I figured ok, I'll do this for her. I burned all 6 Hanson cds I have, made special labels (the cover of the cd booklets on the label, not just writing the name of the cd) for them and I copied all of the lyrics off the net, printed them out, hole punched them, made a cover sheet for each cd with the list of songs and the booklet cover picture thing, and put it all into a folder. And well on her website, she has posted a lot of different song lyrics. And I've always written them down, and downloaded them, which I stopped doing for about 5 months. Well I caught up on it all, and I finished downloading all the songs, I put them in order from the date (a few were in the wrong order, but still the right dates), burned them on cds, and made special labels. Then I did the whole lyric thing again, and hole punched them all, made a cover page for it and a list of songs, and put it in another folder. I put all of the cds in a case. Last time we hung out, she mentioned she wanted the new Vertical Horizon cd, so I bought it for her. Well I went today and left it on her car for her (she was at cross-country, so I had to leave it). Well she called me about an hour ago. She said she did understand where the inspiration came from. Just the way she said it, implied something, something making me feel she was implying I was trying to win her over again, to win her heart back. But I wasn't, I was just being me, I was being a friend. I was doing something nice for someone else. I was just showing I cared, and I didn't forget about the small things. Hell I do the things no else expects me to do, so thats why I do them. I don't ask for anything in return, nothing at all. I was doing a simple nice thing for someone else, why can't people see that. There we no emotional attachments to this, I was just doing something nice. So please don't misunderstand that. I did work my ass off on doing this project, but I think it was well worth it, I am very proud of what I completed, that is my simple satisfaction. I don't need anything else. I ask nothing, and I don't expect nothing. Just being nice.
Lol I love how when I'm trying to emphasize my point, I tend to repeat myself alot.
I don't know why I do these random things, I guess its just cause I want people to know that people care, even about the insignificant things. There is always someone out there who cares. You know the anonymous person who wrote me, didn't have to write me, but they did, they showed me that they cared, and I don't even know this person. Why do we find ourselves compelled to help other people? Not everyone is this way, but some of us our, is it because we've been through things, and want to share, or because we have more free time and have more time to think about the smaller things. You know, this anonymous person, didn't have to write me, but I'm very grateful that they did. We've actually talked several times since the first email, and I really enjoy this new person in my life.
I'll write about something else in a new entry in just a sec, I want to save this before my internet decides to be retarded again and loses the information.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
~~This is the rest of the story that person sent me. I must say, they seem to be quite intelligent. Which is a rare and beautiful thing. This person will forever remain anonymous to me, but I respect that, and it actually kind of pleases me, cause their reply to my query is the complete truth, and I agree with them too. By the way if you do choose to keep reading my blogger, Thank you again~~
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also lean that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for you life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and that everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility, You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
-Author Unknown-
The above is the complete text of the message I received. I believe in life that there are certain things, places, people, and moments that are meant to have a great impact on our life, that are meant to make us stop and think, and that are meant to touch our lives in ways we never knew. This message was one of those things for me and I only hope that it will have the impact on you that it did on me.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. It's always slightly disheartening when the word "horrible" and "friend" are in the same sentence. I understand how deceitful people can appear at times in the things they say and do; I've been down that road a time or two. When faced with a dilemma such as yours, I came across some advice that has helped me past it...
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense
of those who think they talk sense.
-Robert Frost-
I know how easily anger can overcome you when betrayed by a friend, but just take a moment and remember why this person is a friend; and know that by forgiving them you are forgiving yourself because forgiveness not only builds friendships, but character as well.
In response to your query of my identity, I believe that anonymity can give any interaction between people both openness and privacy. My anonymity is ideal because, like with your Blogger, you are able to vent about each moment of your life whether good, bad, or indifferent without worry of an acquaintance meddling through your personal thoughts.
And with that I will close this by saying;
Be happy for this moment....this moment is your life.
Take care.
-------
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also lean that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for you life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and that everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility, You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
-Author Unknown-
The above is the complete text of the message I received. I believe in life that there are certain things, places, people, and moments that are meant to have a great impact on our life, that are meant to make us stop and think, and that are meant to touch our lives in ways we never knew. This message was one of those things for me and I only hope that it will have the impact on you that it did on me.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. It's always slightly disheartening when the word "horrible" and "friend" are in the same sentence. I understand how deceitful people can appear at times in the things they say and do; I've been down that road a time or two. When faced with a dilemma such as yours, I came across some advice that has helped me past it...
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense
of those who think they talk sense.
-Robert Frost-
I know how easily anger can overcome you when betrayed by a friend, but just take a moment and remember why this person is a friend; and know that by forgiving them you are forgiving yourself because forgiveness not only builds friendships, but character as well.
In response to your query of my identity, I believe that anonymity can give any interaction between people both openness and privacy. My anonymity is ideal because, like with your Blogger, you are able to vent about each moment of your life whether good, bad, or indifferent without worry of an acquaintance meddling through your personal thoughts.
And with that I will close this by saying;
Be happy for this moment....this moment is your life.
Take care.
-------
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
These are quotes I got from someone off of bolt.com they answered a few of my tagbook questions, so I checked out there profile and found a lot of cool quotes. Enjoy.
*Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy
*Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time - Thomas Merton
*We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly - Sam Keen
*I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief - Gerry Spence
*You have to be first, best, or different - Loretta Lynn
*Just fuck 'em, fuck 'em all - Joseph W.P. (exboyfriend) pertaining to wut ppl think of me...
*Don't be afraid of death... be afraid of the unlived life - "Tuck Everlasting"
*Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut - Robert Newton Deck
*What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Never let anything in life be too hard - Vanyssa Smythe (my friend)
*... to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is your very skin - J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
*After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure - J.K. Rowling
*The trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them - J.K. Rowling
*People say "I love you" all the time, it doesn't mean anything - "Ghost"
*You can sleep when you're dead, do things while you're alive - _Lady_Bug_
*No two eyes see the same world - Fijitsu commercial
*When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying
*You once asked me which was more important you or my life. I said my life and you walked away, never knowing that you are my life.
*You never truly get over someone, you just learn to live without them.
*What do you do when the only person that makes you laugh, makes you cry?
*If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were
*I wanna die peacefully, just like grandpa, in his sleep... not screaming like the passenger in his car - ?
*Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone sees it...but only you can feel the warmth
*I've loved, I've lost, but I've ultimately learned to be a better person at any cost... - me (5/6/03 6:11pm MST)
*It doesn't matter how you look, or how other people look at you--what's important is how you look at yourself - David Klass (You Don't Know Me)
*Who are this young couple that walk together up No-View Alley, hand in hand, completely unmindful of the whooshing wind and the flocculent snow? They appear to be old friends, or perhaps new lovers--interestingly enough, in the Lashasa Palulu language, the two terms are rather similar... - David Klass
*Life can throw me a shit sandwhich and I'll just keep chewing on it, I suppose, until my teeth rot, but atleast no one can say I was a pessimist
*Who ever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all was an idiot. I can't ever really remember being happy, but I know I wasn't always sad. Then love comes and I was knew I was happy. I felt happier than anyone on the entire earth. Then love left me all alone and not only was I not happy I was sad. Tormented. Before I was happy, I didn't know what it was like to be happy so I could never miss it if I never was. But after being happy, all you want is another taste. You go on wishing for one more day, one more hour, one more minute, just one more second... and it eats you away wondering 'what if' and 'what now'. You spend the rest of time starving for happiness, when before you were just content to be empty.
I especcially like this last quote
*Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy
*Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time - Thomas Merton
*We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly - Sam Keen
*I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief - Gerry Spence
*You have to be first, best, or different - Loretta Lynn
*Just fuck 'em, fuck 'em all - Joseph W.P. (exboyfriend) pertaining to wut ppl think of me...
*Don't be afraid of death... be afraid of the unlived life - "Tuck Everlasting"
*Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut - Robert Newton Deck
*What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Never let anything in life be too hard - Vanyssa Smythe (my friend)
*... to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is your very skin - J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
*After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure - J.K. Rowling
*The trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them - J.K. Rowling
*People say "I love you" all the time, it doesn't mean anything - "Ghost"
*You can sleep when you're dead, do things while you're alive - _Lady_Bug_
*No two eyes see the same world - Fijitsu commercial
*When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying
*You once asked me which was more important you or my life. I said my life and you walked away, never knowing that you are my life.
*You never truly get over someone, you just learn to live without them.
*What do you do when the only person that makes you laugh, makes you cry?
*If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were
*I wanna die peacefully, just like grandpa, in his sleep... not screaming like the passenger in his car - ?
*Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone sees it...but only you can feel the warmth
*I've loved, I've lost, but I've ultimately learned to be a better person at any cost... - me (5/6/03 6:11pm MST)
*It doesn't matter how you look, or how other people look at you--what's important is how you look at yourself - David Klass (You Don't Know Me)
*Who are this young couple that walk together up No-View Alley, hand in hand, completely unmindful of the whooshing wind and the flocculent snow? They appear to be old friends, or perhaps new lovers--interestingly enough, in the Lashasa Palulu language, the two terms are rather similar... - David Klass
*Life can throw me a shit sandwhich and I'll just keep chewing on it, I suppose, until my teeth rot, but atleast no one can say I was a pessimist
*Who ever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all was an idiot. I can't ever really remember being happy, but I know I wasn't always sad. Then love comes and I was knew I was happy. I felt happier than anyone on the entire earth. Then love left me all alone and not only was I not happy I was sad. Tormented. Before I was happy, I didn't know what it was like to be happy so I could never miss it if I never was. But after being happy, all you want is another taste. You go on wishing for one more day, one more hour, one more minute, just one more second... and it eats you away wondering 'what if' and 'what now'. You spend the rest of time starving for happiness, when before you were just content to be empty.
I especcially like this last quote
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
*~*Just when you think no one really cares, someone you don't even know, decides to visit and pop there sweet head through your door of life. I recieved a pleasing email this afternoon, from an anonymous person. Who I have no clue who they are. But I thought I'd share the email with you. It sounds like a mix from Coach Kear and Rebecca. But whoever it is, is right, it is an awakening.*~*
http://www.respectoriginality.blogspot.com
Things have changed I see. After reading your entry, a quote came to my mind -
"You must not lose faith in humanity.
Humanity is an ocean;
if a few drops of the ocean are dirty,
the ocean does not become dirty."
-Mahatma Gandhi-
I was sorry to hear in the previous entry that things were not going to well for you. I received a message once that helped me greatly when I was struggling and I thought that it might be wise to pass it on to you.
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
This is only an excerpt from the message I received. I didn't feel it my place to overload you with it all unless you would truly like to read it. So if you would, let me know.
I hope all with your new, private site goes well. And remember "Happiness depends upon ourselves" -Aristotle-
http://www.respectoriginality.blogspot.com
Things have changed I see. After reading your entry, a quote came to my mind -
"You must not lose faith in humanity.
Humanity is an ocean;
if a few drops of the ocean are dirty,
the ocean does not become dirty."
-Mahatma Gandhi-
I was sorry to hear in the previous entry that things were not going to well for you. I received a message once that helped me greatly when I was struggling and I thought that it might be wise to pass it on to you.
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
This is only an excerpt from the message I received. I didn't feel it my place to overload you with it all unless you would truly like to read it. So if you would, let me know.
I hope all with your new, private site goes well. And remember "Happiness depends upon ourselves" -Aristotle-
Monday, October 27, 2003
MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Where Are You Now?"
Maybe i'de be better on my own
no one ever seems to understand me
it's easier for me to be alone
but there's still a piece of me that feels so empty
i've been all over the world
i've seen a million different places
but through the crowds and all the faces
i'm still out there looking for you.
[chorus:]
where are you now?
i'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait forever?
I write about the things i'll never know
and i can't find a moment just to slow down
it makes me think i'll never have the chance
to figure out what it's all about
so tell me what it's all about.
[chorus...]
where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
and i still don't know
where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait forever?
"Where Are You Now?"
Maybe i'de be better on my own
no one ever seems to understand me
it's easier for me to be alone
but there's still a piece of me that feels so empty
i've been all over the world
i've seen a million different places
but through the crowds and all the faces
i'm still out there looking for you.
[chorus:]
where are you now?
i'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait forever?
I write about the things i'll never know
and i can't find a moment just to slow down
it makes me think i'll never have the chance
to figure out what it's all about
so tell me what it's all about.
[chorus...]
where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
and i still don't know
where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait forever?
MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Are You Happy Now?"
Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,
Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you really have everything you want?
You could never give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself
Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?
Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had that all I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?
MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Desperately"
(feat. Jessica Harp)
Something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment,
That maybe we were meant to be
Living our lives seperately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately
[Chorus:]
Oh why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving it in but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately
You looked my way and said "you frustrate me"
Like you're thinking of lines and times
When you and I were you and me
We took our chance out on the street
Then I missed my chance
And chances are it won't be coming back to me
Why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving in, but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it strange that things change
But not me wanting you-
So desperately
So desperately
[CHORUS]
I keep giving in but I should know better
I keep giving in but I should know better
So desperately
I want you so desperately
"Are You Happy Now?"
Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,
Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you really have everything you want?
You could never give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself
Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?
Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had that all I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?
MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Desperately"
(feat. Jessica Harp)
Something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment,
That maybe we were meant to be
Living our lives seperately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately
[Chorus:]
Oh why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving it in but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately
You looked my way and said "you frustrate me"
Like you're thinking of lines and times
When you and I were you and me
We took our chance out on the street
Then I missed my chance
And chances are it won't be coming back to me
Why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving in, but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it strange that things change
But not me wanting you-
So desperately
So desperately
[CHORUS]
I keep giving in but I should know better
I keep giving in but I should know better
So desperately
I want you so desperately
Saturday, October 25, 2003
~~Same Old Story All Over Again~~
I'm lonely. It seems I can't find any satisfaction anywhere, from anything, or from anyone, not even from myself. All I seem to be able to do lately is think of the past, the people/friendships that I have lost. I lost Michelle, I lost Rebecca, I lost Erika, I lost Miranda, I lost Shanina, I lost Sara, and now even thought I don't have him I'm losing Kyle. I just seem to shut down in every relationship. I get scared I guess, I quit talking, I pull away. As if trying to avoid as much pain from getting hurt in the future. But in all reality, I never gave the future a chance. Thats the truth, I was too scared of what could happen, rather than letting things pan out on their own. Theres no telling what could have happened, cause I stopped it before it could ever happen. To I regret these things, hell yeah. Every situation haunts me nearly every moment of the day.
Its weird you know, cause sometimes I think I'm alright, and I really am alright, and in a split second, with someone saying one simple thing, it sets me off, and then I can't stop thinking about it. With Miranda, its her saying shes not over me. With Nina its her saying I don't belong to her anymore so she can't do anything about it. With Sara, its her saying she'll be ok someday. With Rebecca, (damn her), its her saying you caught me on the right night, I'm vulnerable.
Ok and basically the whole reason I'm writing all of this, is because of Rebecca. Damn her, damn her. I really can't stand her sometimes. I can be fine without her, and then hang out with her, and think were just friends now, its all cool. Even though I'm still nervous as hell everytime I'm around her. And then she pops off and says something like that. And I know, I know, that she doesn't really want to be with me, its happened how many times before, 2 or 3. Everytime shes come to me, shes just been confused, or wanted play. Never generally just to be with me, why? Cause shes too indecisive about what she wants, or because shes too damn busy and can hardly find spare time for anyone. I understand this, I really do. Dammit, why did she have to say that the other night. You see I knew that if I pursued anything it wouldn't be right. And only till a few days later, did I know how right I was. The next day, she got to hang out my Mayra, the girl she really likes, and the words she wrote that haunt me, are and I got to kiss her too.
You see with all of my other ex's, I don't really miss anything, not really any regrets, I'm just lonely as hell, and they know I'm vulnerable, and so in their own unconscious way of thinking they tease me. I don't really want these people, or to date them, but when I'm lonely I find myself wanting to be with them, to hold them, to kiss them. But I can't do that cause it wouldn't be right, cause I know in my heart I don't really want them. But I've also come to realize lately, that I'm in the position that a good friend of mine was in. I am still in love with someone, even though I never really had them. Gee who could I be talking about? Miss Rebecca of course. Everything I've ever wanted in a person, I've found in her. I just love who she is. We never really dated. She may say we did, but technically we didn't, we just had moments. Moments I wish I could have every day. She sent me lyrics to a song after one of our dates, and everytime in the car, I think of those lyrics, "Passenger Seat." I long for those moments we had, I just wish that she could be sitting next to me in the car, as I drive along. I'm in the car so much, and 99% of the time I am by myself. I wish I could get her to understand how I feel about her. But our timing is never right, she is always wanting someone else. The reason none of my relationships worked out this year is because I never fully wanted to be with the person I was with, I always wanted to be with her, and then when I had her, she wanted someone else.
Ahhhh.... WHY CAN'T SHE SEE, I want her so much. Can't she see, how nervous I am around her, how much I try not to like her, how she drives me crazy, how much I love her eyes, her smile, her hair, how shes taller than me and how when she hugs me always touches her chin on top of my head, how much I love her mind, how I can tell shes frustrated, when shes happy, when shes upset. I love how everytime we talk, we end up talking about the stars. Why can't she see how much it drives me crazy when she talks about other people, can't she see how jumbled up when I try to think of something to tell her. I miss her touch, the way she just wrapped her arms around me, I miss her kiss, I miss looking into her eyes, I miss just sitting around a simple playground talking of nothing at all, I miss the days of cool pants, I miss our random talks on the internet, I miss being asked what I'd do with a purple hippopatomus. I miss so much about our past, friendships or more. Doesn't she know that I want to be perfect for her. I want to be everything for her, but I can't cause I am only me. I want to be the person she needs and wants, but I am only me. I'd do anything for her.
Lol its kind of funny when reality slaps you in the face. Cause it seems like just yesterday I was the one helping Rebecca realize that shes not over Analise. And here I am realizing I'm not over something, that never really happened. Funny out situations can flip. I don't know what to do or what I want. I suppose I'd like for her to look into my eyes and tell me to forget about her, to forget out us ever being together, and just to get over it. I wish she could do that. I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop thinking of her with every song I hear, I wish I could stop wondering what and how shes doing everytime I drive down the road, I wish all of the things could happen, but that doesn't mean that they'll come true. So come on Rebecca, just call me, just email me, write about me in your blogger, just tell me that I'm wasting my time, tell me to forget about it. So come one tell me once again theres someone else out there for me. Hell JUST TELL ME SOMETHING, or have you forgotten about me. I wish you weren't so busy. I wish I could know if you still read this damn thing.
Dammit I'm going fucking crazy, I'm sick of thinking about all of this.
Well my eyes burn right now, I'm partly high (from the fumes from dyeing my hair...again), I've taken half of a hydrocoden so I can go to sleep. I'm tired physically and mentally. I have a game tomorrow morning at 10:00, so I have to get up at 6:00. So I probably should go now. And like my motto says: always keep/have faith, and keep hope alive. LATERS
Oh yeah don't forget to turn ya'lls clocks back an hour, its daylight savings today (saturday), yay an extra hour of sleep.
Damn, its only 11:00, it feels like 2:00 a.m.
HOOBASTANK:
"Running Away"
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?
SYSTEM OF A DOWN:
"ATWA"
Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore.
Hey you, are me, not so pretty,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
Silent my voice, I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see, anymore,
I don't hear, anymore,
I don't speak anymore,
I don't feel.
Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep, anymore,
I don't eat, anymore,
I don't live anymore,
I don't feel.
I'm lonely. It seems I can't find any satisfaction anywhere, from anything, or from anyone, not even from myself. All I seem to be able to do lately is think of the past, the people/friendships that I have lost. I lost Michelle, I lost Rebecca, I lost Erika, I lost Miranda, I lost Shanina, I lost Sara, and now even thought I don't have him I'm losing Kyle. I just seem to shut down in every relationship. I get scared I guess, I quit talking, I pull away. As if trying to avoid as much pain from getting hurt in the future. But in all reality, I never gave the future a chance. Thats the truth, I was too scared of what could happen, rather than letting things pan out on their own. Theres no telling what could have happened, cause I stopped it before it could ever happen. To I regret these things, hell yeah. Every situation haunts me nearly every moment of the day.
Its weird you know, cause sometimes I think I'm alright, and I really am alright, and in a split second, with someone saying one simple thing, it sets me off, and then I can't stop thinking about it. With Miranda, its her saying shes not over me. With Nina its her saying I don't belong to her anymore so she can't do anything about it. With Sara, its her saying she'll be ok someday. With Rebecca, (damn her), its her saying you caught me on the right night, I'm vulnerable.
Ok and basically the whole reason I'm writing all of this, is because of Rebecca. Damn her, damn her. I really can't stand her sometimes. I can be fine without her, and then hang out with her, and think were just friends now, its all cool. Even though I'm still nervous as hell everytime I'm around her. And then she pops off and says something like that. And I know, I know, that she doesn't really want to be with me, its happened how many times before, 2 or 3. Everytime shes come to me, shes just been confused, or wanted play. Never generally just to be with me, why? Cause shes too indecisive about what she wants, or because shes too damn busy and can hardly find spare time for anyone. I understand this, I really do. Dammit, why did she have to say that the other night. You see I knew that if I pursued anything it wouldn't be right. And only till a few days later, did I know how right I was. The next day, she got to hang out my Mayra, the girl she really likes, and the words she wrote that haunt me, are and I got to kiss her too.
You see with all of my other ex's, I don't really miss anything, not really any regrets, I'm just lonely as hell, and they know I'm vulnerable, and so in their own unconscious way of thinking they tease me. I don't really want these people, or to date them, but when I'm lonely I find myself wanting to be with them, to hold them, to kiss them. But I can't do that cause it wouldn't be right, cause I know in my heart I don't really want them. But I've also come to realize lately, that I'm in the position that a good friend of mine was in. I am still in love with someone, even though I never really had them. Gee who could I be talking about? Miss Rebecca of course. Everything I've ever wanted in a person, I've found in her. I just love who she is. We never really dated. She may say we did, but technically we didn't, we just had moments. Moments I wish I could have every day. She sent me lyrics to a song after one of our dates, and everytime in the car, I think of those lyrics, "Passenger Seat." I long for those moments we had, I just wish that she could be sitting next to me in the car, as I drive along. I'm in the car so much, and 99% of the time I am by myself. I wish I could get her to understand how I feel about her. But our timing is never right, she is always wanting someone else. The reason none of my relationships worked out this year is because I never fully wanted to be with the person I was with, I always wanted to be with her, and then when I had her, she wanted someone else.
Ahhhh.... WHY CAN'T SHE SEE, I want her so much. Can't she see, how nervous I am around her, how much I try not to like her, how she drives me crazy, how much I love her eyes, her smile, her hair, how shes taller than me and how when she hugs me always touches her chin on top of my head, how much I love her mind, how I can tell shes frustrated, when shes happy, when shes upset. I love how everytime we talk, we end up talking about the stars. Why can't she see how much it drives me crazy when she talks about other people, can't she see how jumbled up when I try to think of something to tell her. I miss her touch, the way she just wrapped her arms around me, I miss her kiss, I miss looking into her eyes, I miss just sitting around a simple playground talking of nothing at all, I miss the days of cool pants, I miss our random talks on the internet, I miss being asked what I'd do with a purple hippopatomus. I miss so much about our past, friendships or more. Doesn't she know that I want to be perfect for her. I want to be everything for her, but I can't cause I am only me. I want to be the person she needs and wants, but I am only me. I'd do anything for her.
Lol its kind of funny when reality slaps you in the face. Cause it seems like just yesterday I was the one helping Rebecca realize that shes not over Analise. And here I am realizing I'm not over something, that never really happened. Funny out situations can flip. I don't know what to do or what I want. I suppose I'd like for her to look into my eyes and tell me to forget about her, to forget out us ever being together, and just to get over it. I wish she could do that. I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop thinking of her with every song I hear, I wish I could stop wondering what and how shes doing everytime I drive down the road, I wish all of the things could happen, but that doesn't mean that they'll come true. So come on Rebecca, just call me, just email me, write about me in your blogger, just tell me that I'm wasting my time, tell me to forget about it. So come one tell me once again theres someone else out there for me. Hell JUST TELL ME SOMETHING, or have you forgotten about me. I wish you weren't so busy. I wish I could know if you still read this damn thing.
Dammit I'm going fucking crazy, I'm sick of thinking about all of this.
Well my eyes burn right now, I'm partly high (from the fumes from dyeing my hair...again), I've taken half of a hydrocoden so I can go to sleep. I'm tired physically and mentally. I have a game tomorrow morning at 10:00, so I have to get up at 6:00. So I probably should go now. And like my motto says: always keep/have faith, and keep hope alive. LATERS
Oh yeah don't forget to turn ya'lls clocks back an hour, its daylight savings today (saturday), yay an extra hour of sleep.
Damn, its only 11:00, it feels like 2:00 a.m.
HOOBASTANK:
"Running Away"
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?
SYSTEM OF A DOWN:
"ATWA"
Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore.
Hey you, are me, not so pretty,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
Silent my voice, I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see, anymore,
I don't hear, anymore,
I don't speak anymore,
I don't feel.
Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep, anymore,
I don't eat, anymore,
I don't live anymore,
I don't feel.
Friday, October 24, 2003
~~One Word: Damn~~
Its been along time since I have written I know, yet I'm on the computer every single day, for hours at a time. Everytime I think or well I know that I need to write, I need to write, but I'd just rather go to sleep. So I end up falling asleep. I've come to terms and understanding with my sleep lately. I've come to understand that my sleeping habits are hell, and get me into ALOT of trouble. Really they do.
Life the last few weeks, to simply put it, have been hell. Or well really shitty. Well I guess its been about 3 weeks now. My mom got put in the hospital for 6 days, she had pneumonia. Which was most likely an effect of her chemo treatment, or well her treatment makes her more prone to infections and viruses because her immune system is low. My dad came up to school and told me what was going on. It scared the shit out of me. The thought of losing my mom is just so horrible, theres not really any true words for it. But yeah it was a really hard time, and it still is, cause now I have that constant thought, my mom is not ok, not in this moment in time, and won't be for some time to come. Its a very scary situation to me, and I've made it known to my friends, so they can know what I am the way I am sometimes. Either very stressed or very depressed.
Ok and I haven't written about it yet, although I've thought about it a million times. Although I'm not going to go into details on it though. On September 15 and 16th one of my dreams came true. The first night I finally got to go to a Hanson concert in Deep Ellum and it was by far really awesome (need to know details of why it was). The second night I actually got to meet Hanson at their concert in Austin, it was even more awesome. Lol.
**College**
Ok and Last week, I finally got my acceptance letter from Northwood University, at their Cedar Hill campus. I received $4,000 from their free-enterprise grant, and I also received $1,500 for a Texas freshman grant. So its actually $2,500 more than I received from the Michigan campus. This last saturday mom and I went to the preview at the school. The weekend before mom and I drove through the campus to see what it looked like, beautiful. At the preview I officially fell in love with the school, more so than before. And FINALLY it helped my mom to realize why I want to go to this college so badly. I learned something new, its a liberal school, no set religion, very small campus (means knowing teachers on a personal basis, as well as with the other students), the dorms kick ass. And most of all the thing I got to realize, the people there are freaking AWESOME, everyone is so nice there, and its not an act at all. Total the college has about 700 students at Cedar Hill, and only about 200 people live on campus. The campus is very beautiful, I love the soccer field.
So yeah I didn't have any games last weekend, so on sunday I went up by myself, and went to the girls game. During the game, I met a few parents and joined in conversations around me, and they were all so nice. Now the soccer team is NAIA, so that means the only people watching, are basically all family members. After the game, I went and introduced myself to both of the coaches. Both were very nice and seemed very interested in me, especially since I made a personal apperance. Oh yeah the girls tied 1-1. Then after I left from talking to them, I walked back, and one of the parents asked how it went. And I said good, and one of the players she was talking to asked me if I was going to come play with them next year. I told them my story (already accepted there, etc, and just working on getting on the team). But I met 3 of the girls officially. The main girl that talked to me was Misti, the one I watched primarily the whole game, she is great, not to mention really cute, lol. But nah... all of the girls were really nice and supportive. Well they had another game on wednesday, so I got out of school early, during 2nd period, and left and got Kyle (lol I convinced him to go). And we went and watched. They won 3-0, it was a good game, lol Misti didn't play cause she got a red card in the sunday game. After the game I hung around to catch some of the girls. As we were walking out, I was really aiming towards talking to Misti. Its really easy to talk to her, seriously we connected when we first me, like our personalities are alot alike (and please realize I say connection, as with people, not as a relationship). So yeah as we were walking out I caught Misti's eye, and she came over and talked to me. I teased her about having to sit on the bench. She asked if I was coming to the game on saturday, and I told her since I didn't have a game, that I'd be there. So thats what I'm doing tomorrow is going to another NU game, by myself, mom can't go. But I like watching the games by myself, its more peaceful, and more personal, plus it makes other people more curious about who you are.
Oh yeah at the preview, I met a girl named Jennifer Harris, she saw I was wearing my varsity soccer shirt, so she asked if I was interested in playing, and I told her my story. And she told me she played for Coach Turner last year (this is only his 2nd year at NU), and that she graduated last year, she is a admissions counselor now at NU. She told me that he is a really good coach, and that she really enjoyed playing for him. So well she was at the game wednesday, and she recognized me and came over and talked to me, she told me Coach Turner told her that I came to the game on sunday and introduced myself. He said he appreciated it, and that it was good, cause he is really looking for recruits. Jennifer is really cool, and was really supportive of my interest. Hell everyone there that I've told my story to, is really supportive, even if I just told them I wanted to play there, they were supportive. I swear I keep falling more in love with this college. I can't wait till tomorrow, I'm really excited to go see them. Then on sunday I have a club game at 10:00, I might die. Lol. Tomorrow is supposed to be there last game this season, unless they're going to area, which they should be. Up until 2 weeks ago they were 6th in the nation, then they lost 2 games and tied one, so they weren't sure when I asked. But if they do go to area, I'm going to try and go watch them play. I'm trying to show the coach and the team how serious I am about wanting to play there, and to show my commitment. But one of the athletic directors told me, that one of the cool things about a NAIA team, is that you can actually come up and practice with them. And plus they told me the coach probably wouldn't contact me until after the season is over. So hopefully I'll be practicing with them, sometime soon in the future.
Oh yeah, if you haven't been able to tell, I've calmed down alot with the whole college thing, I'm not as scared anymore. Granted I don't want to leave my friends, but right now I'm focusing on the moment I'm in, rather than the moment I'll be in later.
~~Highschool~~
So yeah my class grades have drastically gone down hill the last week or so. My accounting teacher all of the sudden felt like speeding up class. And I didn't understand a damn thing she talked about. Now you have to understand she doesn't really talk, she basically reads us our assignment and then tells us to come get in line if we have questions. And if you know me, you know I hate asking questions. One cause I'm really shy, and two cause I'm really modest. Lol are those the same thing? I have no clue. But yeah I hate having to get up and ask a question, it makes me fell stupid, and when I do go up there, I feel rushed cause there is someone else behind me in line, and plus she explains it to me too fast. And I can only remember one thing out of like five, seriously. I'm a very slow learnerbut then again I'm not. Like for directions you have to go slowly on them for me to learn, I'm not the type where you have to explain the same thing 5 different times, cause once I understand what to do I'm very good at it. I'm just not good with directions. Probably cause I'm ADD, and I zone out really quickly, I get distracted very easily. I'm not joking, my brother Kyle is ADD, and they've basically refused to diagnose me with it. And me and some of the girls have determined that the reason I fall asleep so much is because, one I'm anemic, and two I don't get enough sleep (cause I have insomnia). Lol wow that really contradicts itself. But seriosuly I really can't help my sleeping patterns, cause when I want to fall asleep I can't, and when I don't I do fall asleep. And its funny cause people tell me to drink coffee or something with caffeine in it, but in all truth caffeine has no effect on me.
But yeah in English, on the last two papers we were supposed to write, what I did write, really sucked. Seriously my teacher wrote on my rough draft that some of my stuff was savageable but most of it needed to be chunked. And I knew beforehand that my paper sucked. I was supposed to turn in the finaly copy tuesday (everyone was), then she changed it to wednesday, then thursday, then to today. Which everyone did turn theres in today, but she told me to go ahead and work on mine over the weekend, since I was basically rewriting a completely new paper. Our paper is over language, anything really about it, my prompt I originally chose was ethnic minorities and how coming to our country and having to learn a new language-how it might cause them to lose some identity. ETC. or something like that. And now I'm thinking about doing the prompt, that talks about how some people can use a language as a tool or weapon, etc. But I really have no idea what to write about, its frustrating. And well we were supposed to write along essay over the charcteristics of an Epic, for part of our Beowulf test. I didn't do it, I had no clue what to write about. Partly cause well I fell asleep for the last third of the story. Damn I need to get my act together.
Ok and now for my economics class. Well simply, economics is boring, or my class is atleast, especially since I took it this summer. This class I'm either zoned out now, or I'm asleep. I piss myself of alot in this class too.
But in general for all of these classes I'm doing ok, making average daily grade and all that, a few bad quizzes, but passing test grades. Until this last week. I finally kicked myself in the ass the last two days, and got my ass in gear, and forced myself to pay attention and to come after school to catch up, and to skip my precious trainer visit for the day. I'm not lazy, just complicated, lol. I know what I need to do, its just a matter of getting myself to do it. And I've finally found a way to do that. So I'm pleased with myself now, or well not frustrated I should say.
!!Ok now back to the random stuff!!
Ok so dad really pissed me off a few weeks ago. And he said some stuff he really didn't need to say, very hurtful things. So I haven't been speaking to him for the last two weeks (or since the women's world cup consolation game).
Speaking up of the U.S. National team, I'm going to go watch them play Mexico at the Cotton Bowl, on the 2nd. Me, my mom, my brother Brian, and my friend Kim are going. I have seats in the 63rd row in section 4, good seats to me. I'm extremely excited. I have a game right before that, so I'll be going in my uniform, and I'll have 45 minutes to get there.
Umm... I went on my first date with a guy last weekend. His name is Kyle Marsh, hes a freshman, he plays frenchhorn in band, plays tennis, plays guitar at home (and I mean actually plays), hes really cute, and very sweet, and has hair a little shorter than me (but he pulls off the long hair thing, quite well). We went bowling. It was pretty fun, even though we only got to hang out for like 45 minutes, cause he had band contest that night and didn't get in till later. But I had fun. I'm not sure what to do though, I mean the whole dating thing, especially with a guy, I'm just not good at it, I don't know what to do. Like how to act, or where we should go, or any of that. I have no idea. Both of us have been too busy this week to discuss it, we're both busy this weekend, so we can't do anything this weekend. I talked to him last night for like 15 minutes then he had to go. Lol half the time we were talking he thought I was someone else, is older sister to be exact. He said we sound exactly alike. You know what the ironic thing is? His older sister's name in Errin, and my older brother's name is Kyle. How crazy is that? Its really funny, I think he was really embarassed when he figured out who he was really talking to. But it was a great moment. I hope he wants to go on a 2nd date sometime, but we haven't really had time to figure that out. He keeps telling one of friends he is, so I suppose he is, hes too honest to lie. But enough about that.
Oh yeah, I got a cat about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Hes really cute, he can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but hey hes a kitten he doesn't know any better. Guess what his name is? Its Orion. Is that weird? I mean does the personal meaning behind it make it seem weird? Meh... oh well.
Umm... i think thats about all, except that I have some really kick ass friends. My football buddies to be exact, lol. Ashlee, Sissy, Maggie, Taylor Koepke, Ayla and some of the other girls from class and the trainer. They make me feel great, and loved. I love these girls, they are all amazing girls, who are hilarious. They are what make me feel at home in Granbury.
But ok, I'm done writing now, not really any details on all of it. But I finally wrote. And now I am going to go to bed. So hopefully maybe I'll write sometime soon. Laters
“Creativity is jazz without the music” Jack Allday (one of my soon to be professors)
Its been along time since I have written I know, yet I'm on the computer every single day, for hours at a time. Everytime I think or well I know that I need to write, I need to write, but I'd just rather go to sleep. So I end up falling asleep. I've come to terms and understanding with my sleep lately. I've come to understand that my sleeping habits are hell, and get me into ALOT of trouble. Really they do.
Life the last few weeks, to simply put it, have been hell. Or well really shitty. Well I guess its been about 3 weeks now. My mom got put in the hospital for 6 days, she had pneumonia. Which was most likely an effect of her chemo treatment, or well her treatment makes her more prone to infections and viruses because her immune system is low. My dad came up to school and told me what was going on. It scared the shit out of me. The thought of losing my mom is just so horrible, theres not really any true words for it. But yeah it was a really hard time, and it still is, cause now I have that constant thought, my mom is not ok, not in this moment in time, and won't be for some time to come. Its a very scary situation to me, and I've made it known to my friends, so they can know what I am the way I am sometimes. Either very stressed or very depressed.
Ok and I haven't written about it yet, although I've thought about it a million times. Although I'm not going to go into details on it though. On September 15 and 16th one of my dreams came true. The first night I finally got to go to a Hanson concert in Deep Ellum and it was by far really awesome (need to know details of why it was). The second night I actually got to meet Hanson at their concert in Austin, it was even more awesome. Lol.
**College**
Ok and Last week, I finally got my acceptance letter from Northwood University, at their Cedar Hill campus. I received $4,000 from their free-enterprise grant, and I also received $1,500 for a Texas freshman grant. So its actually $2,500 more than I received from the Michigan campus. This last saturday mom and I went to the preview at the school. The weekend before mom and I drove through the campus to see what it looked like, beautiful. At the preview I officially fell in love with the school, more so than before. And FINALLY it helped my mom to realize why I want to go to this college so badly. I learned something new, its a liberal school, no set religion, very small campus (means knowing teachers on a personal basis, as well as with the other students), the dorms kick ass. And most of all the thing I got to realize, the people there are freaking AWESOME, everyone is so nice there, and its not an act at all. Total the college has about 700 students at Cedar Hill, and only about 200 people live on campus. The campus is very beautiful, I love the soccer field.
So yeah I didn't have any games last weekend, so on sunday I went up by myself, and went to the girls game. During the game, I met a few parents and joined in conversations around me, and they were all so nice. Now the soccer team is NAIA, so that means the only people watching, are basically all family members. After the game, I went and introduced myself to both of the coaches. Both were very nice and seemed very interested in me, especially since I made a personal apperance. Oh yeah the girls tied 1-1. Then after I left from talking to them, I walked back, and one of the parents asked how it went. And I said good, and one of the players she was talking to asked me if I was going to come play with them next year. I told them my story (already accepted there, etc, and just working on getting on the team). But I met 3 of the girls officially. The main girl that talked to me was Misti, the one I watched primarily the whole game, she is great, not to mention really cute, lol. But nah... all of the girls were really nice and supportive. Well they had another game on wednesday, so I got out of school early, during 2nd period, and left and got Kyle (lol I convinced him to go). And we went and watched. They won 3-0, it was a good game, lol Misti didn't play cause she got a red card in the sunday game. After the game I hung around to catch some of the girls. As we were walking out, I was really aiming towards talking to Misti. Its really easy to talk to her, seriously we connected when we first me, like our personalities are alot alike (and please realize I say connection, as with people, not as a relationship). So yeah as we were walking out I caught Misti's eye, and she came over and talked to me. I teased her about having to sit on the bench. She asked if I was coming to the game on saturday, and I told her since I didn't have a game, that I'd be there. So thats what I'm doing tomorrow is going to another NU game, by myself, mom can't go. But I like watching the games by myself, its more peaceful, and more personal, plus it makes other people more curious about who you are.
Oh yeah at the preview, I met a girl named Jennifer Harris, she saw I was wearing my varsity soccer shirt, so she asked if I was interested in playing, and I told her my story. And she told me she played for Coach Turner last year (this is only his 2nd year at NU), and that she graduated last year, she is a admissions counselor now at NU. She told me that he is a really good coach, and that she really enjoyed playing for him. So well she was at the game wednesday, and she recognized me and came over and talked to me, she told me Coach Turner told her that I came to the game on sunday and introduced myself. He said he appreciated it, and that it was good, cause he is really looking for recruits. Jennifer is really cool, and was really supportive of my interest. Hell everyone there that I've told my story to, is really supportive, even if I just told them I wanted to play there, they were supportive. I swear I keep falling more in love with this college. I can't wait till tomorrow, I'm really excited to go see them. Then on sunday I have a club game at 10:00, I might die. Lol. Tomorrow is supposed to be there last game this season, unless they're going to area, which they should be. Up until 2 weeks ago they were 6th in the nation, then they lost 2 games and tied one, so they weren't sure when I asked. But if they do go to area, I'm going to try and go watch them play. I'm trying to show the coach and the team how serious I am about wanting to play there, and to show my commitment. But one of the athletic directors told me, that one of the cool things about a NAIA team, is that you can actually come up and practice with them. And plus they told me the coach probably wouldn't contact me until after the season is over. So hopefully I'll be practicing with them, sometime soon in the future.
Oh yeah, if you haven't been able to tell, I've calmed down alot with the whole college thing, I'm not as scared anymore. Granted I don't want to leave my friends, but right now I'm focusing on the moment I'm in, rather than the moment I'll be in later.
~~Highschool~~
So yeah my class grades have drastically gone down hill the last week or so. My accounting teacher all of the sudden felt like speeding up class. And I didn't understand a damn thing she talked about. Now you have to understand she doesn't really talk, she basically reads us our assignment and then tells us to come get in line if we have questions. And if you know me, you know I hate asking questions. One cause I'm really shy, and two cause I'm really modest. Lol are those the same thing? I have no clue. But yeah I hate having to get up and ask a question, it makes me fell stupid, and when I do go up there, I feel rushed cause there is someone else behind me in line, and plus she explains it to me too fast. And I can only remember one thing out of like five, seriously. I'm a very slow learnerbut then again I'm not. Like for directions you have to go slowly on them for me to learn, I'm not the type where you have to explain the same thing 5 different times, cause once I understand what to do I'm very good at it. I'm just not good with directions. Probably cause I'm ADD, and I zone out really quickly, I get distracted very easily. I'm not joking, my brother Kyle is ADD, and they've basically refused to diagnose me with it. And me and some of the girls have determined that the reason I fall asleep so much is because, one I'm anemic, and two I don't get enough sleep (cause I have insomnia). Lol wow that really contradicts itself. But seriosuly I really can't help my sleeping patterns, cause when I want to fall asleep I can't, and when I don't I do fall asleep. And its funny cause people tell me to drink coffee or something with caffeine in it, but in all truth caffeine has no effect on me.
But yeah in English, on the last two papers we were supposed to write, what I did write, really sucked. Seriously my teacher wrote on my rough draft that some of my stuff was savageable but most of it needed to be chunked. And I knew beforehand that my paper sucked. I was supposed to turn in the finaly copy tuesday (everyone was), then she changed it to wednesday, then thursday, then to today. Which everyone did turn theres in today, but she told me to go ahead and work on mine over the weekend, since I was basically rewriting a completely new paper. Our paper is over language, anything really about it, my prompt I originally chose was ethnic minorities and how coming to our country and having to learn a new language-how it might cause them to lose some identity. ETC. or something like that. And now I'm thinking about doing the prompt, that talks about how some people can use a language as a tool or weapon, etc. But I really have no idea what to write about, its frustrating. And well we were supposed to write along essay over the charcteristics of an Epic, for part of our Beowulf test. I didn't do it, I had no clue what to write about. Partly cause well I fell asleep for the last third of the story. Damn I need to get my act together.
Ok and now for my economics class. Well simply, economics is boring, or my class is atleast, especially since I took it this summer. This class I'm either zoned out now, or I'm asleep. I piss myself of alot in this class too.
But in general for all of these classes I'm doing ok, making average daily grade and all that, a few bad quizzes, but passing test grades. Until this last week. I finally kicked myself in the ass the last two days, and got my ass in gear, and forced myself to pay attention and to come after school to catch up, and to skip my precious trainer visit for the day. I'm not lazy, just complicated, lol. I know what I need to do, its just a matter of getting myself to do it. And I've finally found a way to do that. So I'm pleased with myself now, or well not frustrated I should say.
!!Ok now back to the random stuff!!
Ok so dad really pissed me off a few weeks ago. And he said some stuff he really didn't need to say, very hurtful things. So I haven't been speaking to him for the last two weeks (or since the women's world cup consolation game).
Speaking up of the U.S. National team, I'm going to go watch them play Mexico at the Cotton Bowl, on the 2nd. Me, my mom, my brother Brian, and my friend Kim are going. I have seats in the 63rd row in section 4, good seats to me. I'm extremely excited. I have a game right before that, so I'll be going in my uniform, and I'll have 45 minutes to get there.
Umm... I went on my first date with a guy last weekend. His name is Kyle Marsh, hes a freshman, he plays frenchhorn in band, plays tennis, plays guitar at home (and I mean actually plays), hes really cute, and very sweet, and has hair a little shorter than me (but he pulls off the long hair thing, quite well). We went bowling. It was pretty fun, even though we only got to hang out for like 45 minutes, cause he had band contest that night and didn't get in till later. But I had fun. I'm not sure what to do though, I mean the whole dating thing, especially with a guy, I'm just not good at it, I don't know what to do. Like how to act, or where we should go, or any of that. I have no idea. Both of us have been too busy this week to discuss it, we're both busy this weekend, so we can't do anything this weekend. I talked to him last night for like 15 minutes then he had to go. Lol half the time we were talking he thought I was someone else, is older sister to be exact. He said we sound exactly alike. You know what the ironic thing is? His older sister's name in Errin, and my older brother's name is Kyle. How crazy is that? Its really funny, I think he was really embarassed when he figured out who he was really talking to. But it was a great moment. I hope he wants to go on a 2nd date sometime, but we haven't really had time to figure that out. He keeps telling one of friends he is, so I suppose he is, hes too honest to lie. But enough about that.
Oh yeah, I got a cat about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Hes really cute, he can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but hey hes a kitten he doesn't know any better. Guess what his name is? Its Orion. Is that weird? I mean does the personal meaning behind it make it seem weird? Meh... oh well.
Umm... i think thats about all, except that I have some really kick ass friends. My football buddies to be exact, lol. Ashlee, Sissy, Maggie, Taylor Koepke, Ayla and some of the other girls from class and the trainer. They make me feel great, and loved. I love these girls, they are all amazing girls, who are hilarious. They are what make me feel at home in Granbury.
But ok, I'm done writing now, not really any details on all of it. But I finally wrote. And now I am going to go to bed. So hopefully maybe I'll write sometime soon. Laters
“Creativity is jazz without the music” Jack Allday (one of my soon to be professors)
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I've been trying to figure out who sings this first song for like ever, and I finally found out today. Oh and by the way, these are the first lyrics I've posted since April 15th.
LIZ PHAIR:
"Why Can't I?"
Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but > heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
BLESSID UNION OF SOULS:
"Standing At The Edge Of The Earth"
I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye
So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day....
I will see you
LIZ PHAIR:
"Why Can't I?"
Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but > heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
BLESSID UNION OF SOULS:
"Standing At The Edge Of The Earth"
I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye
So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day....
I will see you
Monday, September 29, 2003
!!I've been thinking ALOT lately!! ~~About Rebecca and Michelle~~
Primarily about two people in my past, who I wish were a part of my life today. Over time I've drifted apart from one, and the other I moved away from because of complications between us and we needed time. For the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to stop thinking about these people, mainly one of the two (Rebecca).
The other is Michelle and I just keep having dreams about her and our friendship, and I've been recopying my poems into my spiral and alot of them are about her, and it has just brought up all of these feelings that I have pushed to the back of my mind. I just keep remembering how different I was then, than I am now. I've been trying to write her for about 2 months now, and I haven't been able to finish it, its a little more than a page, but everything I write just seems so meaningless. But I know it doesn't have to be meaningful, so I've just been updating her, I guess, alot has happened since I first tried to write her, so I'm going to have to rewrite it. Throughout this last year, Michelle and I have been friends, I guess you could say we worked things out, but basically what happened at the end of my sophomore year, we never talked about again. We started over everytime we saw each other we'd just stop and talk, not really any weirdness. Well I say that, everytime I've seen her, I just wanted to hug her and tell her I love her (just in general), but I was always afriad she'd take it the wrong way. But we still hugged and I told her I was proud of her a few times, cause it was the truth. Damn, as much as I think about it, I've never really gotten over her I suppose. But I haven't ever figured out if it was because I loved her and wanted a relationship with her, with all my heart, or because she was my best friend and I lost that and lost a part of me with it. I honestly think its the second one. But all I know is that I miss her dearly.
Ok and with Rebecca:
we've just grown apart over the last few months. Its weird though, here lately like seriously the last 2 weeks, everything has reminded me of her. Subconsciously I've been doing alot of things, like going to the Coffee Grinder, and well i've been doing this one thing since our first date (and the last week or so I've started drinking coffee at home), I always find Orion at night, no matter where I am, I find him, I say he is my watcher and my protector, so there is no need for me to be afraid (weird, huh). But the really weird thing is, is I get these weird signs. Like just the other day I was in the car and put on a cd, and one of the songs was one I downloaded because Rebecca put the lyrics in her blogger. And as soon as I got out of the car, I went in to my appointment at the oral surgeon, on the radio they played 4 songs in a row, all that Rebecca put in her blogger. Oh and you know the purple hippopatomus thing, someone asked me that the other day, it totally threw me off. And well everyday, I check my email about 3 times a day (cause I get alot of junkmail, and I always hope I'll get an actual email from someone), and well I check Rebecca's blogger about 5 or 6 times a day, seriously. Always hoping for an update, and usuall I'm disappointed. I know shes busy, but DAMMIT I MISS HER!! Oh another thing that has gotten me thinking about her, is I've had a few appointments in Cleburne, and we drive that way to go to my club soccer games in Plano, and we always drive past that one road, and I always look in that direction, thinking and knowing shes out there somewhere, I wonder what shes doing, I wonder how she is doing. It drives me up the wall. I'd call her, but I wouldn't know what to say, I'd email her, but once again I wouldn't know what to say. Well I did email her and I said: All I have to say in three quick words, I miss you.
Oh also, going over my poems, reminded me of her. I've been looking through alot of my old posts, and I've read about her, I've been looking through her old posts and read about me. I've read about us. Reading what went on between us, just everything. And I think about today, and wonder where she is, what shes doing, who she is with, what shes thinking about, how she is feeling. I miss it all. I miss our friendship. Since I've been home tonight, I've been reading alot of her posts while I was doing something else, and I realized something. I started to pull away from her last April, I was hurt I guess or more so disappointed that nothing worked out and didn't help the situation by being shy. After she broke up with me a week or so before my birthday, I couldn't stand to think of her, to see her login names, I didn't want to have anything to do with her, I think she knew this. Before that every song she had posted I'd copy it down and download it later. I stopped doing that back in April. The last month or so i've been meaning to go back and write them all down again, but for awhile it wouldn't let me get to a few of the pages. But today, oh glorious today, I went back through every single entry and copied down every single song, and date it was posted on (so that they can be in order). And actually the last few days, I've gone through her old sites and her current one, and copied each month and saved them onto my computer, I don't know why, but I guess I just want to keep reading through them cause it just says so much about her, and I learn something each time I read them, and I'm afraid she is going to delete them, so then I wouldn't be able to read them.
Wow that sounds really weird and obsessive that I did that, but I don't mean it to seem that way. Is it weird? I suppose I'm just weird about saving things, every conversation I have with someone, one of my friends, I save the conversation afterwards. Any emails I get, I save them. Lol I'm like with things off the net too, I'm a "pack-rat" as they say.
Anyways, yeah every playground I've driven past reminds me of her, I remember the night we walked and played on the playgrounds at her old elementary schools. Everytime I drive past big rocks and the soccer park in Cleburne, I think about her. But well it seems as if all these things remind me of her, of our past. But also I try to avoid the things that remind me of her, like I don't listen to Avril Lavigne hardly anymore, and I especially avoid that song, "thing I'll never say." I mean just the specific things like the songs we used to listen to, oh yeah I've also stopped posting lyrics too. Whenever I think about soccer season, I think about how it is going to be freezing, then I think about those two freezing games I went to to watch her play. But you know what I miss the most, listening to her talk, about everything. I miss her mind, the way she thinks is just so beautiful. I miss having her tell me about everything shes seen, read in a book, or experienced, its also just so wonderful and interesting. And also, I miss seeing her smile.
Damn, I just miss her so much, I miss our friendship, I wish she wasn't so busy, I'd love to see her or hear from her sometime. Hell if I knew it was ok, I just stop by her house on my way to practice someday (lol I doubt it would be ok though). You know what the main thing I keep thinking about, or wondering I should say, is if she ever thinks about me anymore? I assume she does every once and awhile, cause in her last post, she mentioned my name. But who knows, lol only she does. Oh and another thing I've been wondering, is I wonder if she still reads my blogger? I don't think she does, cause I get these updates every week, and it generally only says one person has been on it, and generally that person is me. I wonder how long it has been since she has gotten an update with me?
Someday, we will have time, someday.
Well its almost one in the morning and I'm quite tired from my game earlier today, and I have a game tonight (monday) at 8:30 in Plano, yay, fun. So I better go try and get some sleep, laters.
By the way, I love all of you.
Primarily about two people in my past, who I wish were a part of my life today. Over time I've drifted apart from one, and the other I moved away from because of complications between us and we needed time. For the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to stop thinking about these people, mainly one of the two (Rebecca).
The other is Michelle and I just keep having dreams about her and our friendship, and I've been recopying my poems into my spiral and alot of them are about her, and it has just brought up all of these feelings that I have pushed to the back of my mind. I just keep remembering how different I was then, than I am now. I've been trying to write her for about 2 months now, and I haven't been able to finish it, its a little more than a page, but everything I write just seems so meaningless. But I know it doesn't have to be meaningful, so I've just been updating her, I guess, alot has happened since I first tried to write her, so I'm going to have to rewrite it. Throughout this last year, Michelle and I have been friends, I guess you could say we worked things out, but basically what happened at the end of my sophomore year, we never talked about again. We started over everytime we saw each other we'd just stop and talk, not really any weirdness. Well I say that, everytime I've seen her, I just wanted to hug her and tell her I love her (just in general), but I was always afriad she'd take it the wrong way. But we still hugged and I told her I was proud of her a few times, cause it was the truth. Damn, as much as I think about it, I've never really gotten over her I suppose. But I haven't ever figured out if it was because I loved her and wanted a relationship with her, with all my heart, or because she was my best friend and I lost that and lost a part of me with it. I honestly think its the second one. But all I know is that I miss her dearly.
Ok and with Rebecca:
we've just grown apart over the last few months. Its weird though, here lately like seriously the last 2 weeks, everything has reminded me of her. Subconsciously I've been doing alot of things, like going to the Coffee Grinder, and well i've been doing this one thing since our first date (and the last week or so I've started drinking coffee at home), I always find Orion at night, no matter where I am, I find him, I say he is my watcher and my protector, so there is no need for me to be afraid (weird, huh). But the really weird thing is, is I get these weird signs. Like just the other day I was in the car and put on a cd, and one of the songs was one I downloaded because Rebecca put the lyrics in her blogger. And as soon as I got out of the car, I went in to my appointment at the oral surgeon, on the radio they played 4 songs in a row, all that Rebecca put in her blogger. Oh and you know the purple hippopatomus thing, someone asked me that the other day, it totally threw me off. And well everyday, I check my email about 3 times a day (cause I get alot of junkmail, and I always hope I'll get an actual email from someone), and well I check Rebecca's blogger about 5 or 6 times a day, seriously. Always hoping for an update, and usuall I'm disappointed. I know shes busy, but DAMMIT I MISS HER!! Oh another thing that has gotten me thinking about her, is I've had a few appointments in Cleburne, and we drive that way to go to my club soccer games in Plano, and we always drive past that one road, and I always look in that direction, thinking and knowing shes out there somewhere, I wonder what shes doing, I wonder how she is doing. It drives me up the wall. I'd call her, but I wouldn't know what to say, I'd email her, but once again I wouldn't know what to say. Well I did email her and I said: All I have to say in three quick words, I miss you.
Oh also, going over my poems, reminded me of her. I've been looking through alot of my old posts, and I've read about her, I've been looking through her old posts and read about me. I've read about us. Reading what went on between us, just everything. And I think about today, and wonder where she is, what shes doing, who she is with, what shes thinking about, how she is feeling. I miss it all. I miss our friendship. Since I've been home tonight, I've been reading alot of her posts while I was doing something else, and I realized something. I started to pull away from her last April, I was hurt I guess or more so disappointed that nothing worked out and didn't help the situation by being shy. After she broke up with me a week or so before my birthday, I couldn't stand to think of her, to see her login names, I didn't want to have anything to do with her, I think she knew this. Before that every song she had posted I'd copy it down and download it later. I stopped doing that back in April. The last month or so i've been meaning to go back and write them all down again, but for awhile it wouldn't let me get to a few of the pages. But today, oh glorious today, I went back through every single entry and copied down every single song, and date it was posted on (so that they can be in order). And actually the last few days, I've gone through her old sites and her current one, and copied each month and saved them onto my computer, I don't know why, but I guess I just want to keep reading through them cause it just says so much about her, and I learn something each time I read them, and I'm afraid she is going to delete them, so then I wouldn't be able to read them.
Wow that sounds really weird and obsessive that I did that, but I don't mean it to seem that way. Is it weird? I suppose I'm just weird about saving things, every conversation I have with someone, one of my friends, I save the conversation afterwards. Any emails I get, I save them. Lol I'm like with things off the net too, I'm a "pack-rat" as they say.
Anyways, yeah every playground I've driven past reminds me of her, I remember the night we walked and played on the playgrounds at her old elementary schools. Everytime I drive past big rocks and the soccer park in Cleburne, I think about her. But well it seems as if all these things remind me of her, of our past. But also I try to avoid the things that remind me of her, like I don't listen to Avril Lavigne hardly anymore, and I especially avoid that song, "thing I'll never say." I mean just the specific things like the songs we used to listen to, oh yeah I've also stopped posting lyrics too. Whenever I think about soccer season, I think about how it is going to be freezing, then I think about those two freezing games I went to to watch her play. But you know what I miss the most, listening to her talk, about everything. I miss her mind, the way she thinks is just so beautiful. I miss having her tell me about everything shes seen, read in a book, or experienced, its also just so wonderful and interesting. And also, I miss seeing her smile.
Damn, I just miss her so much, I miss our friendship, I wish she wasn't so busy, I'd love to see her or hear from her sometime. Hell if I knew it was ok, I just stop by her house on my way to practice someday (lol I doubt it would be ok though). You know what the main thing I keep thinking about, or wondering I should say, is if she ever thinks about me anymore? I assume she does every once and awhile, cause in her last post, she mentioned my name. But who knows, lol only she does. Oh and another thing I've been wondering, is I wonder if she still reads my blogger? I don't think she does, cause I get these updates every week, and it generally only says one person has been on it, and generally that person is me. I wonder how long it has been since she has gotten an update with me?
Someday, we will have time, someday.
Well its almost one in the morning and I'm quite tired from my game earlier today, and I have a game tonight (monday) at 8:30 in Plano, yay, fun. So I better go try and get some sleep, laters.
By the way, I love all of you.
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