~~Same Old Story All Over Again~~

I'm lonely. It seems I can't find any satisfaction anywhere, from anything, or from anyone, not even from myself. All I seem to be able to do lately is think of the past, the people/friendships that I have lost. I lost Michelle, I lost Rebecca, I lost Erika, I lost Miranda, I lost Shanina, I lost Sara, and now even thought I don't have him I'm losing Kyle. I just seem to shut down in every relationship. I get scared I guess, I quit talking, I pull away. As if trying to avoid as much pain from getting hurt in the future. But in all reality, I never gave the future a chance. Thats the truth, I was too scared of what could happen, rather than letting things pan out on their own. Theres no telling what could have happened, cause I stopped it before it could ever happen. To I regret these things, hell yeah. Every situation haunts me nearly every moment of the day.

Its weird you know, cause sometimes I think I'm alright, and I really am alright, and in a split second, with someone saying one simple thing, it sets me off, and then I can't stop thinking about it. With Miranda, its her saying shes not over me. With Nina its her saying I don't belong to her anymore so she can't do anything about it. With Sara, its her saying she'll be ok someday. With Rebecca, (damn her), its her saying you caught me on the right night, I'm vulnerable.

Ok and basically the whole reason I'm writing all of this, is because of Rebecca. Damn her, damn her. I really can't stand her sometimes. I can be fine without her, and then hang out with her, and think were just friends now, its all cool. Even though I'm still nervous as hell everytime I'm around her. And then she pops off and says something like that. And I know, I know, that she doesn't really want to be with me, its happened how many times before, 2 or 3. Everytime shes come to me, shes just been confused, or wanted play. Never generally just to be with me, why? Cause shes too indecisive about what she wants, or because shes too damn busy and can hardly find spare time for anyone. I understand this, I really do. Dammit, why did she have to say that the other night. You see I knew that if I pursued anything it wouldn't be right. And only till a few days later, did I know how right I was. The next day, she got to hang out my Mayra, the girl she really likes, and the words she wrote that haunt me, are and I got to kiss her too.

You see with all of my other ex's, I don't really miss anything, not really any regrets, I'm just lonely as hell, and they know I'm vulnerable, and so in their own unconscious way of thinking they tease me. I don't really want these people, or to date them, but when I'm lonely I find myself wanting to be with them, to hold them, to kiss them. But I can't do that cause it wouldn't be right, cause I know in my heart I don't really want them. But I've also come to realize lately, that I'm in the position that a good friend of mine was in. I am still in love with someone, even though I never really had them. Gee who could I be talking about? Miss Rebecca of course. Everything I've ever wanted in a person, I've found in her. I just love who she is. We never really dated. She may say we did, but technically we didn't, we just had moments. Moments I wish I could have every day. She sent me lyrics to a song after one of our dates, and everytime in the car, I think of those lyrics, "Passenger Seat." I long for those moments we had, I just wish that she could be sitting next to me in the car, as I drive along. I'm in the car so much, and 99% of the time I am by myself. I wish I could get her to understand how I feel about her. But our timing is never right, she is always wanting someone else. The reason none of my relationships worked out this year is because I never fully wanted to be with the person I was with, I always wanted to be with her, and then when I had her, she wanted someone else.

Ahhhh.... WHY CAN'T SHE SEE, I want her so much. Can't she see, how nervous I am around her, how much I try not to like her, how she drives me crazy, how much I love her eyes, her smile, her hair, how shes taller than me and how when she hugs me always touches her chin on top of my head, how much I love her mind, how I can tell shes frustrated, when shes happy, when shes upset. I love how everytime we talk, we end up talking about the stars. Why can't she see how much it drives me crazy when she talks about other people, can't she see how jumbled up when I try to think of something to tell her. I miss her touch, the way she just wrapped her arms around me, I miss her kiss, I miss looking into her eyes, I miss just sitting around a simple playground talking of nothing at all, I miss the days of cool pants, I miss our random talks on the internet, I miss being asked what I'd do with a purple hippopatomus. I miss so much about our past, friendships or more. Doesn't she know that I want to be perfect for her. I want to be everything for her, but I can't cause I am only me. I want to be the person she needs and wants, but I am only me. I'd do anything for her.

Lol its kind of funny when reality slaps you in the face. Cause it seems like just yesterday I was the one helping Rebecca realize that shes not over Analise. And here I am realizing I'm not over something, that never really happened. Funny out situations can flip. I don't know what to do or what I want. I suppose I'd like for her to look into my eyes and tell me to forget about her, to forget out us ever being together, and just to get over it. I wish she could do that. I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop thinking of her with every song I hear, I wish I could stop wondering what and how shes doing everytime I drive down the road, I wish all of the things could happen, but that doesn't mean that they'll come true. So come on Rebecca, just call me, just email me, write about me in your blogger, just tell me that I'm wasting my time, tell me to forget about it. So come one tell me once again theres someone else out there for me. Hell JUST TELL ME SOMETHING, or have you forgotten about me. I wish you weren't so busy. I wish I could know if you still read this damn thing.

Dammit I'm going fucking crazy, I'm sick of thinking about all of this.

Well my eyes burn right now, I'm partly high (from the fumes from dyeing my hair...again), I've taken half of a hydrocoden so I can go to sleep. I'm tired physically and mentally. I have a game tomorrow morning at 10:00, so I have to get up at 6:00. So I probably should go now. And like my motto says: always keep/have faith, and keep hope alive. LATERS

Oh yeah don't forget to turn ya'lls clocks back an hour, its daylight savings today (saturday), yay an extra hour of sleep.

Damn, its only 11:00, it feels like 2:00 a.m.



HOOBASTANK:
"Running Away"

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?



SYSTEM OF A DOWN:
"ATWA"

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore.

Hey you, are me, not so pretty,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
Silent my voice, I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see, anymore,
I don't hear, anymore,
I don't speak anymore,
I don't feel.

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep, anymore,
I don't eat, anymore,
I don't live anymore,
I don't feel.