**I can't sleep**
How sad, lol. But really its not funny, I read about a 200 page book tonight, just for the hell of it. I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all the last 2 weeks, I haven't quite figured out why though. I do know, that I’m really depressed, lonely, and tired. I'm so tired of it all, does it ever end? I'm beginning to think it doesn't. My depression isn't situational, but its not permanent (in the sense that is a chemical imbalance), I’ve been thinking alot about my life, about growing up. And I've been able to realize, that I’m alot more fucked up than I thought I was, I can never fully explain it to anyone, cause they can't feel the pain I’m in. I'm tired of being depressed, but its not like I can simply snap my fingers and it will be gone. I simply just don't like myself and I don't like myself, its not really a matter of liking, I absolutely hate both. Its really quite sad, how I have adjusted to everything, to my thoughts and all of that. Like I just go by some of the things, without thinking much about it, or not dwelling on it (in a way), these thoughts occur to often its just simply nothing new to me. I don't think anyone could possibly imagine how often I think of suicide (in nearly every way I can think of doing it) or how much I think about death. Its not pleasing. But its just something I think about, I mean I think about all sorts of other things as well, which you would know of, if you had a conversation with me.
My heart is cold and hard like a rock, its broke, dark and black as hell----no love, feeling, or real emotion has entered my heart in a very, very long time. Don't ever believe me if I say I love you, I will be lying. I am incapable of loving. I can make love, kiss, hold hands, give everything tangible to someone, but I fell feel no pleasure in any of it. When a person says they love me (a person I’m dating that is), I believe them, cause I know I’ve basically manipulated them into believing that they love me. But when they give that love to me, and when I don't return the love, it hurts them, they think all sorts of things (mostly that they've done something wrong, which they haven't), I end up breaking their heart. I don't intentionally set out to do these things, but it all ends up occurring. You see I don't have any love to give, I can't love, I am incapable of loving, of loving anyone. I can hope that each relationship would be different, I tend to trick myself into believing for awhile that its different, but every time the truth comes back to me, and I can't lie to myself anymore. And I realize that the relationship won't work. And I'll try and break up with the person, each time it comes suddenly to them, and they are clueless of why. Never do they realize, or never do they admit, that I was the problem all a long. But because I treated them well they were blinded, and did not see the truth. Never do they understand why I act this way. I've always been lonely, and I’ve always searched for something to fill that emptiness. The last 2 years I’ve tried dating, which doesn't work. I can be so lonely, and I think by dating someone I won't be lonely anymore, but really it just makes me lonelier. Its hard to understand I know, but just believe it ok. I just don't feel anything real anymore, dating doesn't fill that void, its nothing against the people. But I don't think having people love me, will ever fill the void (not people that I date atleast, cause I can't return the love). Happiness will feel the void, but I have yet to find that happiness. Maybe when I’m at peace with myself, maybe then I won't be lonely anymore.
But the whole point of this, is to try and help ya'll understand why my relationships tend not to work out. Everyone I’ve dated have been wonderful people. But I’m sorry to say, i used each and every one of them, but really I never got anything out of it. I guess each time is was a new experiment, me each time hoping something new would happen. That I would finally discover or find that one thing that would make me happy. I know I have hurt people, but I don't think it could ever compare to my inner torment and pain. Another sad thing is, I know I’ve hurt people, but I’m so fucked up, and can't fill anything, that after I’ve hurt someone, I just put that fact in the back of my mind, and it doesn't bother me at all, and when the person brings it up all it does is piss me off. Sad that I’m too damn heartless to really feel guilty or remorseful for the pain I’ve caused. I am sorry for what I have done, but trust me, you're better off being you and being somewhat broken hearted, than of being me. Never feel rejected, when you date me. For the millionth time, I am incapable of returning any form of affection.
My life has been pretty fucked up ok, I AM PRETTY FUCKED UP!! *Points to head* I'm not very alright upstairs. I'll have a lot of psychological problems for quite awhile. And I can guarantee you that all of my problems, have come from my family. Ok analogy time: if you have alot of pennies, eventually from them adding up you'll have a dollar. I have to different views on this. A lot of small problems add up to be one BIG problem. My second view is that finding all the solutions to these problems add those up and eventually the big problem will be solved. Oh I kind of have a third. If you add up all the pennies you have sanity.......WELL I HAVE ALOT OF MISSING PENNIES (or in more common turns I’ve lost a lot of marbles, and now I have to find them).
But being me, I’ve searched in a million different places to find happiness. I've been desperate, I’ve been to all sorts of lows. Alot of my decisions have been bad, most of them hurting me, and in 4 specific cases I’ve hurt other people. But anyways, yeah... I've been to all sorts of lows to find happiness and all sorts of highs, and in the middle too. Never finding anything to fill this void within me. I guess I was still to blind or just to afraid to admit the truth. That the source of the problem comes from my own flesh and blood. I've never wanted to admit this, but I am now. I'm not sure how to find my happiness, but I know where the problem lies. Or problems I should say. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PROBLEM. I am absolutely clueless. And the sad part is, no one can help me with it, its something I have to figure out on my own. Frustrating as hell, thats for damn sure. I don't know. I hope someday I’ll be able to figure it all out. But I know until then I’ll probably stay depressed and all that. And I feel sorry for anyone that dates me in the future. Too bad medicine doesn't really make you happy, lol the legal ones that is. I'm sure illegal drugs could make me happy, but only temporarily, and even then it would be a fake happy. Just a thought, no worries, I’d never do any of that shit, or kill myself. Ok well I’m going to go lay in bed for awhile until I have to get up and take a shower, drive to Cleburne and yet my new retainer (which I’m excited about, neon orange that glows in the dark, and no teeth on it either, lol) Then I haven't decided if I want to go through Granbury or not on the way to las Colinas (sp?) on the way to the lab (more crap relating to my teeth, which luckily ya'll have been fortunate enough not to hear me bitch about), but for those who know me, I still haven't gotten my permanent teeth put on. And then I’m going to go watch the boys soccer playoff game, at northwest highschool. Another late night, I just hope I fall straight asleep when I get home. But well I shall go for now, laters. ----Erin
BY THE WAY: no one reply to anything that I have said. If you do it is going to piss me off extremely. I do not like comments from people that I know, if you know me and you read this, its a privilege, because I’m being honest on here. And I can almost guarantee you that no one in your real life is ever this honest with you. I do not want comments, because I know if will be ya'lls bullshit sympathy, and ya'll have no idea how much that drives me insane. Sorry if that sounds bitchy, but I really don't care. NO COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE I KNOW. Thanks. Laters
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Friday, March 19, 2004
**So yeah I really don't feel like finishing my last entry, I wrote everything, so it was like I got everything off my chest. I vented, and when i vent I tend not to remember much afterwards. But plus i'm still really pissed that my computer screwed up and i lost all that I wrote. So maybe when i stop being mad, I'll finish the entry.**
But for now, I just remember a second ago, that I finished typing all of my poems, its up to date. I'm sure throughout time I'll add more to it, but for now, all thats on there is all that i have written. But well just check this out ok.
But for now, I just remember a second ago, that I finished typing all of my poems, its up to date. I'm sure throughout time I'll add more to it, but for now, all thats on there is all that i have written. But well just check this out ok.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
~~Hello, my name is Erin and I am a player. A damn good one too~~
Ok so I had this whole damn thing written out, and it was pretty long. But my computer hates me, and when i clicked to post it, well it screwed it up. And although I copied it, intending to paste it in case the computer did screw up. Well for some reason, that didn't work either. So the whole entry was lost, and i am having to start again, and i do belive it won't be near as good as the first, but bare with me, ok.
Ok, so am I proud of being a player, HELL NO, thats just who I have come to be.
Ok so these are some of the things said in a past conversation, i may have not said them all, but this is how i feel, so here we go:
*for awhile, if its a chemical imbalance thats the problem, then yeah it should work, but if its situational like me, then it doesn't always work (referring to anti-depressants)
*...but I am so emotionless when it comes to relationships right now....
*i can agree with you, its not like anyone around here wants to hear that someone that is supposed to be there friend is having problems, people these days just can deal with anything cause they're too scared of everything.
*lol dating scene, such a frustration, kind of but not
erinlJONES: in a situation right now, where i just want to give up and break up, but i can't cause i'm stubborn and want to prove people wrong. the parents don't want me to date their daughter, cause they think i'm too old and all of this other BS. its frustrating. and i don't want to deal with it.
erinlJONES: i just want to give up on dating all together, guys or girls, it all sucks for me
*but nah, with guys, in GR i'm still their best friend, in granbury they all think i'm a lesbian cause people spread rumors and never quite get the story right. and plus high school guys are dumbasses
*i feel so wrong sometimes, i have so many crushes on people its so not even funny. like I don't know like i see something in everyone. I'd be premiscuous if i had the opportunities probably. its part of the depressive thing i have. always trying to fulfill this empty space within me, but nothing ever fills it. does that makes sense?
*I am cold and stone inside....
*...I just dont have a heart to give....its like I am incapable of feeling something for someone....
*its weird i'm alway so lonely, and i always want someone, and when i do have some one, i'm even more lonier.
*i am incapable of actually loving someone
*...and its just that I feel so cold and confused that I cant feel anything else
**Conversations with Katlin last night**
MakenkiKat: hey
MakenkiKat: how's your day been?
MakenkiKat: *poke* TV?
MakenkiKat: food?
erinlJONES: my day has been good. trip to the orthodontist, and wal-mart
erinlJONES: and i'm working on cooking dinner
MakenkiKat: ah that's good
MakenkiKat: what's for dinner?
erinlJONES: chicken and rice
MakenkiKat: yummy
erinlJONES: how was your day?
MakenkiKat: I just had one of the biggest panic attacks... I'm so tired right now. Yeah, but we went to the zoo, ate at hoffbrau
MakenkiKat: basically, we've been in FW all day
erinlJONES: cool. why a panic attack?
MakenkiKat: Tired? Everything's weird right now. Things are strange and I wish they could go back to normal w/ my parents, but they can't, and I was scared they would find out about last night, or something.
MakenkiKat: so, anyway
MakenkiKat: *pokes*
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: nah.... i'm actually not really tired
erinlJONES: i slept till about 3 yesterday, so i wouldn't have gone to bed until like 3 in the morning anyways, and i slept till about 1 today
MakenkiKat: you didn't walk around a zoo for 3 to 4 hrs
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: lol, let me complain even more
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: feel free
MakenkiKat: *snorts* sarcasm.
MakenkiKat: alright then;
my feet hurt,
my head hurts,
I feel like a walking zombie,
My lunch today was horrible, but there was enough of it,
my hair's messed up,
I'm tired
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: meh, 2 yr old whining, fun
MakenkiKat: lol, fanfic writers are insane
MakenkiKat: so, how's dinner?
erinlJONES: its all right
MakenkiKat: surely it's better than all right
MakenkiKat: what are you watching?
erinlJONES: no really, it was just, alright. i was watching high school reunion
MakenkiKat: er... what? New reality show?
erinlJONES: its not new, its been on the WB for 2 past seasons
erinlJONES: this season is a high school group of 93' from Round Rock, Texas
MakenkiKat: oh.
MakenkiKat: *blinks*
MakenkiKat: I'm very well informed, it seems
MakenkiKat: is it good?
erinlJONES: ok...its really good, funny to me atleast, theres a gay guy on it this year
erinlJONES: dangit, i really hate it when i drop my cup, the cup i spit my sunflower seed shells into
erinlJONES: brb have to clean up the floor
erinlJONES: ok i'm good now
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: Kristen is on something.... I could swear by it...
erinlJONES: wouldn't surprise me
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: OH MY GOD KATLIN
AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: THE DOORKNOBS ARE OUT TO GET ME
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: meh?
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: lol
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: Every single time I jump to the door, the doorknob won't turn and I hit the door
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: EVER TIME
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: *EVERY
MakenkiKat: wait, what am I talking about?
MakenkiKat: She IS on something
MakenkiKat: lots of somethings
erinlJONES: interesting
MakenkiKat: ><
MakenkiKat: heh, ignore me
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: not seriously!
MakenkiKat: j/k
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i know
MakenkiKat: ^_^
MakenkiKat: so, what are yo u watching now?
erinlJONES: nothing actually
erinlJONES: there is no sound in my room, but me typing
MakenkiKat: that's fun. No music, tv, ect?
erinlJONES: nope
MakenkiKat: so, who other than me, are you talking to?
erinlJONES: matt, my friend Sara from washinton, and mayra from tcu
erinlJONES: and you
erinlJONES: and i'm writing and email to my old coach
MakenkiKat: okay, anything interesting?
erinlJONES: nothing really
erinlJONES: did you look at that book, yet
erinlJONES: ?
MakenkiKat: that's fun
MakenkiKat: yeah, I read the first 40-50 pages this morning
MakenkiKat: brb
erinlJONES: wow
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: wow?
erinlJONES: i didn't really expect you to read it
MakenkiKat: why not?
erinlJONES: i don't know
MakenkiKat: hm...
MakenkiKat: am I clingy?
erinlJONES: why do you ask?
MakenkiKat: just wondering
erinlJONES: why?
MakenkiKat: *blink*
MakenkiKat: I want to know
MakenkiKat: ooooooooookay, no answer
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: *mutters about having to have a reason for everything*
MakenkiKat: I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm doing anyhing right. I feel like you're doing everything for me, and I can't do anything for you. I feel selfish.
erinlJONES: its my job to do everything for you, i'm the knight in shining armor, remember?
MakenkiKat: frickin hell, I should be doing something, other than making you come out in the middle of the frickin night, walk half a mile in the freezing cold, and then pissing you off somehow.
erinlJONES: you didn't piss me off
MakenkiKat: then what did I do?
erinlJONES: nothing
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what you're thinking about
MakenkiKat: because I can't seem to talk, which is what you wanted to do last night, right? talk?
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what i wanted
erinlJONES: i just knew that i couldn't give in
MakenkiKat: >< No fun.
MakenkiKat: stubborn
erinlJONES: you know i don't want to hurt you right
MakenkiKat: yes, I know that
erinlJONES: but i know from experience, thats all i'll probably end up doing
MakenkiKat: hurting you has been one of my major concerns since my parents found out.
erinlJONES: hurting me
erinlJONES: HA
erinlJONES: right..........
MakenkiKat: I know. You're stronger than I am, I don't know how I would hurt you. I don't want to. One of those stupid repetitive thoughts that won't leave you alone. I knew you'd scoff at that. But that's where the fear of doing something wrong comes in. Of pissing you off. Or something.
erinlJONES: exactly, you don't know how you would hurt me
erinlJONES: because you can't hurt me
erinlJONES: you know, i never really set out to intentionally hurt someone, but subconsciously i do. I set out to be everything the other person needs (their knight in shining armor). they attach to me, they love me, i break their heart, they still love me
MakenkiKat: you're easy to love
erinlJONES: because i've manipulated you into believing that
erinlJONES: how can you not love someone who is everything you want them to be
erinlJONES: but really its just an act
MakenkiKat: however fucked up you say you are
erinlJONES: ?????
MakenkiKat: then stop putting on the act.
erinlJONES: the hardest part is, convincinf the other person, that they've bascially been played all along. I have maniuplated you into believing that i'm the greastest thing thats ever happened to you. I'm good at knowing what a person wants and what a person needs, and so i give that to them. and all the time i don't ever get any satisfaction from making this other person happy
erinlJONES: you're not dealing to well with this, are you? cause you don't have any clue of what i'm saying, you don't understand this
MakenkiKat: what I hear you saying is this relationship isn't what you want, you've found out, because you're getting no satisfaction out of it, because you're acting. Expand on that, correct it, affirm it. That's what I hear you saying.
erinlJONES: i don't get any satisfaction from any relationship, thats what i'm trying to tell you
MakenkiKat: so, you want to-?
erinlJONES: want to, what?
MakenkiKat: your trying to tell me you don't get any satisfaction with any relationship. Is that all you're trying to tell me, or is there more?
erinlJONES: you haven't absorbed anything that i've said
MakenkiKat: probably not.
MakenkiKat: Erin, I don't react, reacting gets me yelled at, I hate confrontation, when ever I get into a situation I'm not intrested in, I pull back and try to accomadate everyone, lighten the situation. I withdraw.
MakenkiKat: So, that's what I'm trying to do. And, it's not working
MakenkiKat: so what do I need to do?
erinlJONES: i can't tell you what you need to do..
MakenkiKat: damn, and I thought you'd make it easy for me
erinlJONES: easy eh, you've already answered your own question, you don't react, so your answer is, react
MakenkiKat: react...
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: react
MakenkiKat: great, another thing I don't know how to do.
erinlJONES: ................................................................................... ..
MakenkiKat: yeah, I know, not reacting
MakenkiKat: damn it, I really don't want to lose you. I bought you a card yesterday, you know, one of those long meaningful ones :) I was writing a letter in it, and wasn't done, which is why I didn't give it to you last night. I don't know how to react. Right now, I'm thinking "gooooooooooood, onother thing I'm asking someone else to do for me." It seems like I'm depending on everyone else right now. I really hate it, but I can't get away from it. I'm babbling about stupid shit right now, which seems to happen w
MakenkiKat: henever I write.
MakenkiKat: Alright. I don't want our relationship to end, but I don't want you to pretend fo be someone you're not. I love what you've shown me of you so far. But you don't seem to think our relationship will work. and I'm the stupid naive chick who doesn't know a thing.
erinlJONES: OMG I TRULY WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY COMPUTER
MakenkiKat: do it then, but you won't have a internet access when you're done. *speaks from experience*
MakenkiKat: oh, yeah, and "why, what happened?"
MakenkiKat: *poke*
erinlJONES: i was writing in my blogger, and went to save it and my computer fucked up, and it didn't save, and i'm extremely pissed
MakenkiKat: I'm sorry
MakenkiKat: did the blogger entry have how annoyed/frestrated you are at me for not being able to get things? or to react? or anything like that
erinlJONES: no
erinlJONES: but it was explaining alot of stuff
MakenkiKat: did you start it over again?
erinlJONES: not yet
erinlJONES: i'm still trying to see if i can fix it
MakenkiKat: won't work
MakenkiKat: if it didn't save it's gone
erinlJONES: see its weird, i copied it, but it won't paste, i opened word to paste it there, it says insufficient space, and if i try to paste it in msn messenger it says it can't send folders but to send by files
MakenkiKat: ugh! I hate it when that happens!
erinlJONES: i don't know, maybe i'll retype it later, although i know it won't be nearly the same, but maybe once i calm down it will be ok
erinlJONES: but i don't know, i think i'm going to go paint my shower, so i'll be back later
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: have fun
erinlJONES: i will
MakenkiKat: how's it going?
MakenkiKat: hey, I really need some sleep, so I'm going to bed now. I still have Kristen's cell w/ me if you want to talk. Goodnight.
MakenkiKat signed off at 12:30:06 AM.
Ok so I had this whole damn thing written out, and it was pretty long. But my computer hates me, and when i clicked to post it, well it screwed it up. And although I copied it, intending to paste it in case the computer did screw up. Well for some reason, that didn't work either. So the whole entry was lost, and i am having to start again, and i do belive it won't be near as good as the first, but bare with me, ok.
Ok, so am I proud of being a player, HELL NO, thats just who I have come to be.
Ok so these are some of the things said in a past conversation, i may have not said them all, but this is how i feel, so here we go:
*for awhile, if its a chemical imbalance thats the problem, then yeah it should work, but if its situational like me, then it doesn't always work (referring to anti-depressants)
*...but I am so emotionless when it comes to relationships right now....
*i can agree with you, its not like anyone around here wants to hear that someone that is supposed to be there friend is having problems, people these days just can deal with anything cause they're too scared of everything.
*lol dating scene, such a frustration, kind of but not
erinlJONES: in a situation right now, where i just want to give up and break up, but i can't cause i'm stubborn and want to prove people wrong. the parents don't want me to date their daughter, cause they think i'm too old and all of this other BS. its frustrating. and i don't want to deal with it.
erinlJONES: i just want to give up on dating all together, guys or girls, it all sucks for me
*but nah, with guys, in GR i'm still their best friend, in granbury they all think i'm a lesbian cause people spread rumors and never quite get the story right. and plus high school guys are dumbasses
*i feel so wrong sometimes, i have so many crushes on people its so not even funny. like I don't know like i see something in everyone. I'd be premiscuous if i had the opportunities probably. its part of the depressive thing i have. always trying to fulfill this empty space within me, but nothing ever fills it. does that makes sense?
*I am cold and stone inside....
*...I just dont have a heart to give....its like I am incapable of feeling something for someone....
*its weird i'm alway so lonely, and i always want someone, and when i do have some one, i'm even more lonier.
*i am incapable of actually loving someone
*...and its just that I feel so cold and confused that I cant feel anything else
**Conversations with Katlin last night**
MakenkiKat: hey
MakenkiKat: how's your day been?
MakenkiKat: *poke* TV?
MakenkiKat: food?
erinlJONES: my day has been good. trip to the orthodontist, and wal-mart
erinlJONES: and i'm working on cooking dinner
MakenkiKat: ah that's good
MakenkiKat: what's for dinner?
erinlJONES: chicken and rice
MakenkiKat: yummy
erinlJONES: how was your day?
MakenkiKat: I just had one of the biggest panic attacks... I'm so tired right now. Yeah, but we went to the zoo, ate at hoffbrau
MakenkiKat: basically, we've been in FW all day
erinlJONES: cool. why a panic attack?
MakenkiKat: Tired? Everything's weird right now. Things are strange and I wish they could go back to normal w/ my parents, but they can't, and I was scared they would find out about last night, or something.
MakenkiKat: so, anyway
MakenkiKat: *pokes*
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: nah.... i'm actually not really tired
erinlJONES: i slept till about 3 yesterday, so i wouldn't have gone to bed until like 3 in the morning anyways, and i slept till about 1 today
MakenkiKat: you didn't walk around a zoo for 3 to 4 hrs
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: lol, let me complain even more
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: feel free
MakenkiKat: *snorts* sarcasm.
MakenkiKat: alright then;
my feet hurt,
my head hurts,
I feel like a walking zombie,
My lunch today was horrible, but there was enough of it,
my hair's messed up,
I'm tired
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: meh, 2 yr old whining, fun
MakenkiKat: lol, fanfic writers are insane
MakenkiKat: so, how's dinner?
erinlJONES: its all right
MakenkiKat: surely it's better than all right
MakenkiKat: what are you watching?
erinlJONES: no really, it was just, alright. i was watching high school reunion
MakenkiKat: er... what? New reality show?
erinlJONES: its not new, its been on the WB for 2 past seasons
erinlJONES: this season is a high school group of 93' from Round Rock, Texas
MakenkiKat: oh.
MakenkiKat: *blinks*
MakenkiKat: I'm very well informed, it seems
MakenkiKat: is it good?
erinlJONES: ok...its really good, funny to me atleast, theres a gay guy on it this year
erinlJONES: dangit, i really hate it when i drop my cup, the cup i spit my sunflower seed shells into
erinlJONES: brb have to clean up the floor
erinlJONES: ok i'm good now
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: Kristen is on something.... I could swear by it...
erinlJONES: wouldn't surprise me
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: OH MY GOD KATLIN
AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: THE DOORKNOBS ARE OUT TO GET ME
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: meh?
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: lol
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: Every single time I jump to the door, the doorknob won't turn and I hit the door
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: EVER TIME
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: *EVERY
MakenkiKat: wait, what am I talking about?
MakenkiKat: She IS on something
MakenkiKat: lots of somethings
erinlJONES: interesting
MakenkiKat: ><
MakenkiKat: heh, ignore me
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: not seriously!
MakenkiKat: j/k
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i know
MakenkiKat: ^_^
MakenkiKat: so, what are yo u watching now?
erinlJONES: nothing actually
erinlJONES: there is no sound in my room, but me typing
MakenkiKat: that's fun. No music, tv, ect?
erinlJONES: nope
MakenkiKat: so, who other than me, are you talking to?
erinlJONES: matt, my friend Sara from washinton, and mayra from tcu
erinlJONES: and you
erinlJONES: and i'm writing and email to my old coach
MakenkiKat: okay, anything interesting?
erinlJONES: nothing really
erinlJONES: did you look at that book, yet
erinlJONES: ?
MakenkiKat: that's fun
MakenkiKat: yeah, I read the first 40-50 pages this morning
MakenkiKat: brb
erinlJONES: wow
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: wow?
erinlJONES: i didn't really expect you to read it
MakenkiKat: why not?
erinlJONES: i don't know
MakenkiKat: hm...
MakenkiKat: am I clingy?
erinlJONES: why do you ask?
MakenkiKat: just wondering
erinlJONES: why?
MakenkiKat: *blink*
MakenkiKat: I want to know
MakenkiKat: ooooooooookay, no answer
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: *mutters about having to have a reason for everything*
MakenkiKat: I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm doing anyhing right. I feel like you're doing everything for me, and I can't do anything for you. I feel selfish.
erinlJONES: its my job to do everything for you, i'm the knight in shining armor, remember?
MakenkiKat: frickin hell, I should be doing something, other than making you come out in the middle of the frickin night, walk half a mile in the freezing cold, and then pissing you off somehow.
erinlJONES: you didn't piss me off
MakenkiKat: then what did I do?
erinlJONES: nothing
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what you're thinking about
MakenkiKat: because I can't seem to talk, which is what you wanted to do last night, right? talk?
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what i wanted
erinlJONES: i just knew that i couldn't give in
MakenkiKat: >< No fun.
MakenkiKat: stubborn
erinlJONES: you know i don't want to hurt you right
MakenkiKat: yes, I know that
erinlJONES: but i know from experience, thats all i'll probably end up doing
MakenkiKat: hurting you has been one of my major concerns since my parents found out.
erinlJONES: hurting me
erinlJONES: HA
erinlJONES: right..........
MakenkiKat: I know. You're stronger than I am, I don't know how I would hurt you. I don't want to. One of those stupid repetitive thoughts that won't leave you alone. I knew you'd scoff at that. But that's where the fear of doing something wrong comes in. Of pissing you off. Or something.
erinlJONES: exactly, you don't know how you would hurt me
erinlJONES: because you can't hurt me
erinlJONES: you know, i never really set out to intentionally hurt someone, but subconsciously i do. I set out to be everything the other person needs (their knight in shining armor). they attach to me, they love me, i break their heart, they still love me
MakenkiKat: you're easy to love
erinlJONES: because i've manipulated you into believing that
erinlJONES: how can you not love someone who is everything you want them to be
erinlJONES: but really its just an act
MakenkiKat: however fucked up you say you are
erinlJONES: ?????
MakenkiKat: then stop putting on the act.
erinlJONES: the hardest part is, convincinf the other person, that they've bascially been played all along. I have maniuplated you into believing that i'm the greastest thing thats ever happened to you. I'm good at knowing what a person wants and what a person needs, and so i give that to them. and all the time i don't ever get any satisfaction from making this other person happy
erinlJONES: you're not dealing to well with this, are you? cause you don't have any clue of what i'm saying, you don't understand this
MakenkiKat: what I hear you saying is this relationship isn't what you want, you've found out, because you're getting no satisfaction out of it, because you're acting. Expand on that, correct it, affirm it. That's what I hear you saying.
erinlJONES: i don't get any satisfaction from any relationship, thats what i'm trying to tell you
MakenkiKat: so, you want to-?
erinlJONES: want to, what?
MakenkiKat: your trying to tell me you don't get any satisfaction with any relationship. Is that all you're trying to tell me, or is there more?
erinlJONES: you haven't absorbed anything that i've said
MakenkiKat: probably not.
MakenkiKat: Erin, I don't react, reacting gets me yelled at, I hate confrontation, when ever I get into a situation I'm not intrested in, I pull back and try to accomadate everyone, lighten the situation. I withdraw.
MakenkiKat: So, that's what I'm trying to do. And, it's not working
MakenkiKat: so what do I need to do?
erinlJONES: i can't tell you what you need to do..
MakenkiKat: damn, and I thought you'd make it easy for me
erinlJONES: easy eh, you've already answered your own question, you don't react, so your answer is, react
MakenkiKat: react...
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: react
MakenkiKat: great, another thing I don't know how to do.
erinlJONES: ................................................................................... ..
MakenkiKat: yeah, I know, not reacting
MakenkiKat: damn it, I really don't want to lose you. I bought you a card yesterday, you know, one of those long meaningful ones :) I was writing a letter in it, and wasn't done, which is why I didn't give it to you last night. I don't know how to react. Right now, I'm thinking "gooooooooooood, onother thing I'm asking someone else to do for me." It seems like I'm depending on everyone else right now. I really hate it, but I can't get away from it. I'm babbling about stupid shit right now, which seems to happen w
MakenkiKat: henever I write.
MakenkiKat: Alright. I don't want our relationship to end, but I don't want you to pretend fo be someone you're not. I love what you've shown me of you so far. But you don't seem to think our relationship will work. and I'm the stupid naive chick who doesn't know a thing.
erinlJONES: OMG I TRULY WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY COMPUTER
MakenkiKat: do it then, but you won't have a internet access when you're done. *speaks from experience*
MakenkiKat: oh, yeah, and "why, what happened?"
MakenkiKat: *poke*
erinlJONES: i was writing in my blogger, and went to save it and my computer fucked up, and it didn't save, and i'm extremely pissed
MakenkiKat: I'm sorry
MakenkiKat: did the blogger entry have how annoyed/frestrated you are at me for not being able to get things? or to react? or anything like that
erinlJONES: no
erinlJONES: but it was explaining alot of stuff
MakenkiKat: did you start it over again?
erinlJONES: not yet
erinlJONES: i'm still trying to see if i can fix it
MakenkiKat: won't work
MakenkiKat: if it didn't save it's gone
erinlJONES: see its weird, i copied it, but it won't paste, i opened word to paste it there, it says insufficient space, and if i try to paste it in msn messenger it says it can't send folders but to send by files
MakenkiKat: ugh! I hate it when that happens!
erinlJONES: i don't know, maybe i'll retype it later, although i know it won't be nearly the same, but maybe once i calm down it will be ok
erinlJONES: but i don't know, i think i'm going to go paint my shower, so i'll be back later
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: have fun
erinlJONES: i will
MakenkiKat: how's it going?
MakenkiKat: hey, I really need some sleep, so I'm going to bed now. I still have Kristen's cell w/ me if you want to talk. Goodnight.
MakenkiKat signed off at 12:30:06 AM.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
**Letter to Kear**
Lol so what was that email about, I know how you feel, believe me. It really sucks to disconnect from people. I don't have an excuse for not emailing you or whatever. I've been trying to get my life back together. The last few months have been hell for me, everything went downhill. Yeah I failed english, but i got lucky i guess, i only missed one game, which was the most important game (when we played abilene), but i don't care. I gave someone else a great chance, to fill my position. The girl's name is Stephanie, she was so unbeliveably nervous, but i found it funny. I got to coach and train her, which i really enjoyed. I've really got a lot of options of careers when i get older. Once I stop traveling the world, i can either be a coach or a counselor, or hell maybe both, lol. I've got college and my major and all that worked out. But the coach at the school, never showed up to any of the games. So i guess I'm going to have to call him and see if he wants me to come practice with them (since they're NAIA, i can legally do that), or if he just wants me to make a highlight video. Its quite frustrating, i really want to play there, i know i can play there, easily. Audrie has been telling me she thinks she might just go there just so she could play soccer. Which its only a business school and she wants to major in education and to be a coach, but she said if she could play soccer, she'd just major in business management or something like that. But i don't know, shes Audrie, her life is pretty crazy at the moment too.
Well I was lucky i only missed one game, for some reason there is a rule that on holidays every student is eligible. So friday i got to play, granted it was against Mineral Wells, but i was able to be a part of senior night. For a good 20 minutes every senior was on the field, well except goalie, which was Heather. But Kim, Sarah and Nikki and everyone else was out there. Nikki and Sarah scored, i was really happy for them. We won 11-0. And although you know, Stephenville lost. And I'm sure he told you about the coach. Wink and I have gotten fairly close over the last 2 months. He talked to me last week about the coach. We both agreed that he would want his team to lose on purpose just so we wouldnt make playoffs. But Gina talked to some of their girls, and he indeed did ask them to lose, but they went against him, but still lost. I knew in my heart all year, that we wouldn't make playoffs. We always played, some with heart, others without heart. I play with heart, but unfortunately, i'm the blessed one to be the realist of the group. There are alot of factors to a team, and you as a coach know that. In order to win, all of these factors have to come together. Well we didn't always have all of those factors. But i never dared to tell the team that after we lost, or else they would have killed me. But really I screamed my head off the entire game, every game, even the game i didn't play in (and all the parents thought i was a terets kid (can't spell sorry) it was amusing). I always trie to me encouraging and tried to point out things to everyone else of what they needed to do, you know like pass then or you need to be back post, etc. Which it took all year to learn back post, and only one peron learned, and they still weren't consistent. That was our main problem all year, we had so many opportunities to score, but no one was ever back post to receive the through ball. I can't ever explain how frustrating it is being a defender and seing the same mistakes over and over again. Do i make mistakes, HELL YEAH. Do I dwell on them, no. I just keep playing my game. But well i believe everyone hated me by the end of the season, cause i would tell them the truth, and they didn't necessarily like to hear it. If they would have came to me and pointed out to me something i needed to do, I would have been more than glad to hear it, but they never did that. Was there every anything they could have told me? I have no idea, but if there was, they were too afraid to say it.
As far as playoffs go, i'm not disappointed. We had a good finish. And alot of the girls got to go on vacations, that they really needed. And here i am, bored out of my mind, i have nothing to do. I'd like to go kick the ball around, but almost everyone is out of town or they're busy. I know Tyler Spirlock would go with me, but I'm still pretty shy around the guys. But him and I are pretty cool, its surprising actually, hes in my english class this tri. And I'm sure Bree would love to go, but she just had surgery so, well all she'll be doing it staying in the house. I called her the other day, but she was asleep from the meds, and i told her mom to call me, and i still haven't received a call, i emailed her a few days before too, and told her to call me. But still nothing.
I haven't nothing to do this week. Well I need to do defensive driving over the internet, but thats boring, and i don't want to do it, but i have to, so i don't have to pay a ticket. Cause i don't want to ruin my moms insurance. I bought some paint, brushes, and a few stencils and walmart to day. I'm going to decorate my shower. :) when you decorate your shower, is how you truly know that your bored out of your mind.
Hmmmm...... well i guess I don't really have much else to say, so I guess I will go. Hope you enjoy my fairly long email. Longer than most of everyone else's emails, right? lol I tend to write alot, but i know this isn't as long as some of my other emails to you. But well I shall go now, goodluck at playoffs, perhaps i'll come and watch this week. I'll talk to you later Coach.
love always,
Erin Jones
Lol so what was that email about, I know how you feel, believe me. It really sucks to disconnect from people. I don't have an excuse for not emailing you or whatever. I've been trying to get my life back together. The last few months have been hell for me, everything went downhill. Yeah I failed english, but i got lucky i guess, i only missed one game, which was the most important game (when we played abilene), but i don't care. I gave someone else a great chance, to fill my position. The girl's name is Stephanie, she was so unbeliveably nervous, but i found it funny. I got to coach and train her, which i really enjoyed. I've really got a lot of options of careers when i get older. Once I stop traveling the world, i can either be a coach or a counselor, or hell maybe both, lol. I've got college and my major and all that worked out. But the coach at the school, never showed up to any of the games. So i guess I'm going to have to call him and see if he wants me to come practice with them (since they're NAIA, i can legally do that), or if he just wants me to make a highlight video. Its quite frustrating, i really want to play there, i know i can play there, easily. Audrie has been telling me she thinks she might just go there just so she could play soccer. Which its only a business school and she wants to major in education and to be a coach, but she said if she could play soccer, she'd just major in business management or something like that. But i don't know, shes Audrie, her life is pretty crazy at the moment too.
Well I was lucky i only missed one game, for some reason there is a rule that on holidays every student is eligible. So friday i got to play, granted it was against Mineral Wells, but i was able to be a part of senior night. For a good 20 minutes every senior was on the field, well except goalie, which was Heather. But Kim, Sarah and Nikki and everyone else was out there. Nikki and Sarah scored, i was really happy for them. We won 11-0. And although you know, Stephenville lost. And I'm sure he told you about the coach. Wink and I have gotten fairly close over the last 2 months. He talked to me last week about the coach. We both agreed that he would want his team to lose on purpose just so we wouldnt make playoffs. But Gina talked to some of their girls, and he indeed did ask them to lose, but they went against him, but still lost. I knew in my heart all year, that we wouldn't make playoffs. We always played, some with heart, others without heart. I play with heart, but unfortunately, i'm the blessed one to be the realist of the group. There are alot of factors to a team, and you as a coach know that. In order to win, all of these factors have to come together. Well we didn't always have all of those factors. But i never dared to tell the team that after we lost, or else they would have killed me. But really I screamed my head off the entire game, every game, even the game i didn't play in (and all the parents thought i was a terets kid (can't spell sorry) it was amusing). I always trie to me encouraging and tried to point out things to everyone else of what they needed to do, you know like pass then or you need to be back post, etc. Which it took all year to learn back post, and only one peron learned, and they still weren't consistent. That was our main problem all year, we had so many opportunities to score, but no one was ever back post to receive the through ball. I can't ever explain how frustrating it is being a defender and seing the same mistakes over and over again. Do i make mistakes, HELL YEAH. Do I dwell on them, no. I just keep playing my game. But well i believe everyone hated me by the end of the season, cause i would tell them the truth, and they didn't necessarily like to hear it. If they would have came to me and pointed out to me something i needed to do, I would have been more than glad to hear it, but they never did that. Was there every anything they could have told me? I have no idea, but if there was, they were too afraid to say it.
As far as playoffs go, i'm not disappointed. We had a good finish. And alot of the girls got to go on vacations, that they really needed. And here i am, bored out of my mind, i have nothing to do. I'd like to go kick the ball around, but almost everyone is out of town or they're busy. I know Tyler Spirlock would go with me, but I'm still pretty shy around the guys. But him and I are pretty cool, its surprising actually, hes in my english class this tri. And I'm sure Bree would love to go, but she just had surgery so, well all she'll be doing it staying in the house. I called her the other day, but she was asleep from the meds, and i told her mom to call me, and i still haven't received a call, i emailed her a few days before too, and told her to call me. But still nothing.
I haven't nothing to do this week. Well I need to do defensive driving over the internet, but thats boring, and i don't want to do it, but i have to, so i don't have to pay a ticket. Cause i don't want to ruin my moms insurance. I bought some paint, brushes, and a few stencils and walmart to day. I'm going to decorate my shower. :) when you decorate your shower, is how you truly know that your bored out of your mind.
Hmmmm...... well i guess I don't really have much else to say, so I guess I will go. Hope you enjoy my fairly long email. Longer than most of everyone else's emails, right? lol I tend to write alot, but i know this isn't as long as some of my other emails to you. But well I shall go now, goodluck at playoffs, perhaps i'll come and watch this week. I'll talk to you later Coach.
love always,
Erin Jones
Sunday, March 07, 2004
**FINALLY A GOOD FRIEND WHO UNDERSTANDS. A well need conversation i think that we both needed. Love ya Dana**
erinlJONES: yoyo, when are you coming to town next?
Dana162909: I am not sure...I have been so busy lately
erinlJONES: whens your spring break?
Dana162909: this coming week....
Dana162909: I am working all week
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: thats the same week as ours, and i don't have a damn thing to do
Dana162909: yea its fun...really? well our boss thought it would be super cool and say that no one could take days off...lol
erinlJONES: oic that sucks
Dana162909: right.....ugh!! lol its like Subway all over again
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i saw anita the other day
erinlJONES: sorry random thought
Dana162909: did you? I had a dream I told her off the other day....
Dana162909: lol a year and a half later I am still bitter
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: thats weird
erinlJONES: yeah i saw her friday actually
Dana162909: lol was she in GR? or granbury
Dana162909: she was supposed to move to kentucky or something....liek that
erinlJONES: granbury
Dana162909: yea her hubbie is the manager over there.....
erinlJONES: interesting, maybe they didn't stay there long
erinlJONES: i don't know, lol don't really care either, do you?
Dana162909: ohh no..I just think its funny I guess...cause she was like I hate this Subway job...I am going to move..blah blah....I would hate to be stuck at a dead end job!
Dana162909: so how are things going?
erinlJONES: true.... things are alright
erinlJONES: you?
Dana162909: ehhh lol I have been really depressed lately...I think I am going to get off my lazy butt and like go the dr. and get some happy pills...cause I am tired of feeling like this
erinlJONES: happy pills, ha ha ha..... sorry found it funny..... meh... i've been on zoloft for a few months
erinlJONES: yeah being depressed really sucks
Dana162909: does it work
erinlJONES: for awhile, if its a chemical imbalance thats the problem, then yeah it should work, but if its situational like me, then it doesn't always work
Dana162909: ohh but can it make you "fake happy"
erinlJONES: yeah
Dana162909: lol I know that is so not a word..but like I dont want to go out and hang out with friends...I get these anxiety attacks when I even go out to hang out with old friends
erinlJONES: oh, i definately used to have really bad anxiety, it definately helps that
Dana162909: good....cause like my best friend came in on valentines day....and I kept making excuses to go see her....like I do that all the time...someone asks me to go out or something and I find some lame excuse not to go...cause I just dont want to feel that "pressure"
erinlJONES: makes complete sense to me
Dana162909: well okay so I am happy that they can help me...lol ....
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i'm not promising you anything though
erinlJONES: has different effects on everyone
erinlJONES: damn, do i sound like the expert, lol *says sarcasticly*
Dana162909: right...but what I am feeling is not normal?
erinlJONES: true
Dana162909: lol well thank you....I havent told anyone that...cause seriously no one wants to hear that I have no friends in Lubbock...Waylon actually made fun of me...he goes you dont have friends cause you are scared to go out?
erinlJONES: no problem. Waylon eh?
Dana162909: yea....he is trying to "better himself" because he thinks if he does that ...he will win me back...but I am so emotionless when it comes to relationships right now....there would really be no point
erinlJONES: i can agree with you, its not like anyone around here wants to hear that someone that is supposed to be there friend is having problems, people these days just can deal with anything cause they're too scared of everything.
erinlJONES: emotionless eh? better himself? damn i mean its been what 2 years
Dana162909: yea....but he is pining for me...lol
erinlJONES: i'm sorry but hes been the same guy since i met him and that was along time ago.
erinlJONES: guys...... frustrate me, they're so dumb
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: sorry i have issues with him
Dana162909: I understand...but I think he is trying the best he knows how...which to the entire population means very little
erinlJONES: how can i not have issues with him, hes part of the reason Kyle used to get in so much trouble. But hes probably one of the few people that talks to you, so that does show something (not saying in a bad way) you know the whole thing where people say you figure out who your real friends are once you get out of high school, thats kind of what i'm saying. I agree Waylon needs someone to have faith in him, that he can "better himself" everyone needs someone to help them along.
erinlJONES: GEEZ I sound like a patronizing idiot, or i feel that way atleast
Dana162909: no you dont....you are wise in your years....kimosabe...I so know thats not how you spell it
erinlJONES: LOL
erinlJONES: you crack me up
erinlJONES: i just get frustrated with people, ya know
erinlJONES: and occasionally i just need to rant
erinlJONES: lol i guess
Dana162909: I understand completely
erinlJONES: coolcool
erinlJONES: few people do understand
Dana162909: so anything new on your dating scene?
erinlJONES: lol dating scene, such a frustration
erinlJONES: kind of but not
erinlJONES: in a situation right now, where i just want to give up and break up, but i can't cause i'm stubborn and want to prove people wrong. the parents don't want me to date their daughter, cause they think i'm too old and all of this other BS. its frustrating. and i don't want to deal with it.
erinlJONES: i just want to give up on dating all together, guys or girls,
erinlJONES: it all sucks for me
Dana162909: lol they think you are too old...ohh is she a freshman..I remember when some senior guy liked me and my dad set him straight real quick
erinlJONES: yep, freshman
erinlJONES: and they just found out that their daughter is gay, and well its all a major upset
Dana162909: are you serious? and so they want to protect her from this? I dont understand that....they cant protect her forever
erinlJONES: but nah, with guys, in GR i'm still their best friend, in granbury they all think i'm a lesbian cause people spread rumors and never quite get the story right. and plus high school guys are dumbasses
erinlJONES: EXACTLY
Dana162909: I will agree....high school boys are dumb...sadley they dont get better in college
erinlJONES: see its funny, cause all of her friends, my friends, her teachers, our coaches, and even parents say that. and are cool with us dating. but its the parents being afraid of their reputations being ruined
erinlJONES: lol guys, don't grow up usually, ever. lol and by the time they do, they're not cute anymore
erinlJONES: lol that was random
Dana162909: i can see that...my cousin married a black man last summer...and it was all about how bad it looked on the family...they had me convinced he was an abuser and all sorts of crazy stuff...right well I have a crush on a 35 year old man....he is the boss of United like the owner...and he is so good looking...he game in today and just WOW
erinlJONES: lol
Dana162909: yea the sad thing is his wife is dying...and he is a really neat guy...so friendly...and yea....
erinlJONES: that is sad
Dana162909: i know she had some tumor or something...so I try not to make too many jokes about him being my sugar daddy
erinlJONES: oic
Dana162909: yea and I liek my TA but he is almost thirty...maybe thats why older men date younger women..I am so in my prime!!
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: prime sounds so wrong
erinlJONES: lol
Dana162909: lol right.....
Dana162909: like a rib
erinlJONES: i feel so wrong sometimes, i have so many crushes on people its so not even funny. like I don't know like i see something in everyone. I'd be premiscuous if i had the opportunities probably. its part of the depressive thing i have. always trying to fulfill this empty space within me, but nothing ever fills it
erinlJONES: does that makes sense?
Dana162909: yea it does....I think I am the opposite..I am cold and stone inside....
erinlJONES: like, you'd rather be alone type of thing?
Dana162909: no not really...I just dont have a heart to give....its like I am incapable of feeling something for someone....
Dana162909: I am taking the quiz...why dont you have a boyfriend?
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: its weird i'm alway so lonely, and i always want someone, and when i do have some one, i'm even more lonier. Ah... yes i am that too
erinlJONES: i am incapable of actually loving someoneDana162909: lol right...and like Waylon (sorry to bring him up) but he thinks that I dont love him anymore...and its just that I feel so cold and confused that I cant feel anything else
erinlJONES: oic, and see most guys don't understand these feelings
erinlJONES: i understand completely
erinlJONES: thats why people frustrate me so much
Dana162909: Erin you are the greatest....he thinks I have moved on..which might be true...but I still care about him and love him...even though I am not IN love with him
erinlJONES: makes sense to me. me the greatest, not really, i just understand
Dana162909: ohh this quiz is not looking so good
Dana162909: You dont have a boyfriend because you are too busy While a relationship sounds nice, you're strapped for time
Whether you're legitimately busy or just making excuses
erinlJONES: oh
erinlJONES: true eh?
Dana162909: I think the excuses part is...lol
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: so, anything else on your mind?
Dana162909: umm I dont think so....lol well kinda...lol I was reading thru my old diaries...and stuff...and like there is so much crap about Jenifer Carter in there..its funny....cause I was really jealous of her...
erinlJONES: lol, wow that was awhile back
Dana162909: right...I know..but when I was reading it ...I got real jealous again..it was sad....it really was....
erinlJONES: thats kind of odd
erinlJONES: isn't it weird, the things you hold on to, like the memories
Dana162909: about being jealous? or what
erinlJONES: i hold onto a lot of stuff
Dana162909: right..wow how did I do that
erinlJONES: just in general
erinlJONES: do what?
Dana162909: like everytime I used to see her...I would freeze...I remember one time I went to the tanning bed...and it was like Ohhhhh whoa .....I didnt know how I changed my font
erinlJONES: oh
Dana162909: lol so I saw where you failed english? did youreally? the teacher didnt give you extra credit and stuff
erinlJONES: yeah i occasionally look at my old entries in my blogger, and i'm like wow, everything was so messed up, then i recap and think oh wow but nothing has really changed....... yeah i failed english, it didn't matter about extra credit, i automatically failed cause i didn't turn in my research paper
Dana162909: ohh that stinks...so what happens now? do you take it over the next trimester? and what about soccer
erinlJONES: yep, taking it right now, lol. i'm out the rest of the season, the next two games, and perhaps a playoff game. I could be back in 3 weeks, but that will be like the second game in playoffs and i don't think we'll make it to there, but i don't really care about any of it
Dana162909: really? you are taking it well...I dont think I could if I were in your place
erinlJONES: meh... i don't care much about any thing really any more. its a little less stressful. its just a pain in the ass trying to explain to people, when they ask me why i didn't do the paper, i just shrug my shoulders and say i don't know its complicated, i let them think i'm lazy simply cause i know they wouldn't understand if i tried to explain it too them. they wouldn't understand how much of a hell i was going through while we were supposed to write the paper, they wouldn't understand how much of my effort and time i was having to put into not cutting myself and all that crap. so i just let them think i'm lazy, and thats fine with me
Dana162909: ohh Erin...I am sooo sorry
erinlJONES: don't be
Dana162909: but still I just hate seeing people unhappy...you know I was watching that Princess Diana documentry Thursday about how she would throw herself down stairs and cut her wrists...and you know you would think being a PRINCESS would make you happy...like you wouldnt have a care in the world..but it shows you that it can happen to anyone....
erinlJONES: huh, missed that, Princesss Di always interested me
erinlJONES: it, lol
Dana162909: well the rest of the tapes...its like her secret tapes are showing on Thursday....instead of ER
Dana162909: at like 9 I think...its like a two part series
erinlJONES: cool
Dana162909: yep well I think I am headed to finish studying for organic
erinlJONES: ok
Dana162909: well its been good talking to you...have a good night
erinlJONES: ditto I'll talk to you laters, goodnight
Dana162909: night
Dana162909 signed off at 11:32:37 PM.
erinlJONES: yoyo, when are you coming to town next?
Dana162909: I am not sure...I have been so busy lately
erinlJONES: whens your spring break?
Dana162909: this coming week....
Dana162909: I am working all week
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: thats the same week as ours, and i don't have a damn thing to do
Dana162909: yea its fun...really? well our boss thought it would be super cool and say that no one could take days off...lol
erinlJONES: oic that sucks
Dana162909: right.....ugh!! lol its like Subway all over again
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i saw anita the other day
erinlJONES: sorry random thought
Dana162909: did you? I had a dream I told her off the other day....
Dana162909: lol a year and a half later I am still bitter
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: thats weird
erinlJONES: yeah i saw her friday actually
Dana162909: lol was she in GR? or granbury
Dana162909: she was supposed to move to kentucky or something....liek that
erinlJONES: granbury
Dana162909: yea her hubbie is the manager over there.....
erinlJONES: interesting, maybe they didn't stay there long
erinlJONES: i don't know, lol don't really care either, do you?
Dana162909: ohh no..I just think its funny I guess...cause she was like I hate this Subway job...I am going to move..blah blah....I would hate to be stuck at a dead end job!
Dana162909: so how are things going?
erinlJONES: true.... things are alright
erinlJONES: you?
Dana162909: ehhh lol I have been really depressed lately...I think I am going to get off my lazy butt and like go the dr. and get some happy pills...cause I am tired of feeling like this
erinlJONES: happy pills, ha ha ha..... sorry found it funny..... meh... i've been on zoloft for a few months
erinlJONES: yeah being depressed really sucks
Dana162909: does it work
erinlJONES: for awhile, if its a chemical imbalance thats the problem, then yeah it should work, but if its situational like me, then it doesn't always work
Dana162909: ohh but can it make you "fake happy"
erinlJONES: yeah
Dana162909: lol I know that is so not a word..but like I dont want to go out and hang out with friends...I get these anxiety attacks when I even go out to hang out with old friends
erinlJONES: oh, i definately used to have really bad anxiety, it definately helps that
Dana162909: good....cause like my best friend came in on valentines day....and I kept making excuses to go see her....like I do that all the time...someone asks me to go out or something and I find some lame excuse not to go...cause I just dont want to feel that "pressure"
erinlJONES: makes complete sense to me
Dana162909: well okay so I am happy that they can help me...lol ....
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i'm not promising you anything though
erinlJONES: has different effects on everyone
erinlJONES: damn, do i sound like the expert, lol *says sarcasticly*
Dana162909: right...but what I am feeling is not normal?
erinlJONES: true
Dana162909: lol well thank you....I havent told anyone that...cause seriously no one wants to hear that I have no friends in Lubbock...Waylon actually made fun of me...he goes you dont have friends cause you are scared to go out?
erinlJONES: no problem. Waylon eh?
Dana162909: yea....he is trying to "better himself" because he thinks if he does that ...he will win me back...but I am so emotionless when it comes to relationships right now....there would really be no point
erinlJONES: i can agree with you, its not like anyone around here wants to hear that someone that is supposed to be there friend is having problems, people these days just can deal with anything cause they're too scared of everything.
erinlJONES: emotionless eh? better himself? damn i mean its been what 2 years
Dana162909: yea....but he is pining for me...lol
erinlJONES: i'm sorry but hes been the same guy since i met him and that was along time ago.
erinlJONES: guys...... frustrate me, they're so dumb
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: sorry i have issues with him
Dana162909: I understand...but I think he is trying the best he knows how...which to the entire population means very little
erinlJONES: how can i not have issues with him, hes part of the reason Kyle used to get in so much trouble. But hes probably one of the few people that talks to you, so that does show something (not saying in a bad way) you know the whole thing where people say you figure out who your real friends are once you get out of high school, thats kind of what i'm saying. I agree Waylon needs someone to have faith in him, that he can "better himself" everyone needs someone to help them along.
erinlJONES: GEEZ I sound like a patronizing idiot, or i feel that way atleast
Dana162909: no you dont....you are wise in your years....kimosabe...I so know thats not how you spell it
erinlJONES: LOL
erinlJONES: you crack me up
erinlJONES: i just get frustrated with people, ya know
erinlJONES: and occasionally i just need to rant
erinlJONES: lol i guess
Dana162909: I understand completely
erinlJONES: coolcool
erinlJONES: few people do understand
Dana162909: so anything new on your dating scene?
erinlJONES: lol dating scene, such a frustration
erinlJONES: kind of but not
erinlJONES: in a situation right now, where i just want to give up and break up, but i can't cause i'm stubborn and want to prove people wrong. the parents don't want me to date their daughter, cause they think i'm too old and all of this other BS. its frustrating. and i don't want to deal with it.
erinlJONES: i just want to give up on dating all together, guys or girls,
erinlJONES: it all sucks for me
Dana162909: lol they think you are too old...ohh is she a freshman..I remember when some senior guy liked me and my dad set him straight real quick
erinlJONES: yep, freshman
erinlJONES: and they just found out that their daughter is gay, and well its all a major upset
Dana162909: are you serious? and so they want to protect her from this? I dont understand that....they cant protect her forever
erinlJONES: but nah, with guys, in GR i'm still their best friend, in granbury they all think i'm a lesbian cause people spread rumors and never quite get the story right. and plus high school guys are dumbasses
erinlJONES: EXACTLY
Dana162909: I will agree....high school boys are dumb...sadley they dont get better in college
erinlJONES: see its funny, cause all of her friends, my friends, her teachers, our coaches, and even parents say that. and are cool with us dating. but its the parents being afraid of their reputations being ruined
erinlJONES: lol guys, don't grow up usually, ever. lol and by the time they do, they're not cute anymore
erinlJONES: lol that was random
Dana162909: i can see that...my cousin married a black man last summer...and it was all about how bad it looked on the family...they had me convinced he was an abuser and all sorts of crazy stuff...right well I have a crush on a 35 year old man....he is the boss of United like the owner...and he is so good looking...he game in today and just WOW
erinlJONES: lol
Dana162909: yea the sad thing is his wife is dying...and he is a really neat guy...so friendly...and yea....
erinlJONES: that is sad
Dana162909: i know she had some tumor or something...so I try not to make too many jokes about him being my sugar daddy
erinlJONES: oic
Dana162909: yea and I liek my TA but he is almost thirty...maybe thats why older men date younger women..I am so in my prime!!
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: prime sounds so wrong
erinlJONES: lol
Dana162909: lol right.....
Dana162909: like a rib
erinlJONES: i feel so wrong sometimes, i have so many crushes on people its so not even funny. like I don't know like i see something in everyone. I'd be premiscuous if i had the opportunities probably. its part of the depressive thing i have. always trying to fulfill this empty space within me, but nothing ever fills it
erinlJONES: does that makes sense?
Dana162909: yea it does....I think I am the opposite..I am cold and stone inside....
erinlJONES: like, you'd rather be alone type of thing?
Dana162909: no not really...I just dont have a heart to give....its like I am incapable of feeling something for someone....
Dana162909: I am taking the quiz...why dont you have a boyfriend?
Dana162909: lol
erinlJONES: its weird i'm alway so lonely, and i always want someone, and when i do have some one, i'm even more lonier. Ah... yes i am that too
erinlJONES: i am incapable of actually loving someoneDana162909: lol right...and like Waylon (sorry to bring him up) but he thinks that I dont love him anymore...and its just that I feel so cold and confused that I cant feel anything else
erinlJONES: oic, and see most guys don't understand these feelings
erinlJONES: i understand completely
erinlJONES: thats why people frustrate me so much
Dana162909: Erin you are the greatest....he thinks I have moved on..which might be true...but I still care about him and love him...even though I am not IN love with him
erinlJONES: makes sense to me. me the greatest, not really, i just understand
Dana162909: ohh this quiz is not looking so good
Dana162909: You dont have a boyfriend because you are too busy While a relationship sounds nice, you're strapped for time
Whether you're legitimately busy or just making excuses
erinlJONES: oh
erinlJONES: true eh?
Dana162909: I think the excuses part is...lol
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: so, anything else on your mind?
Dana162909: umm I dont think so....lol well kinda...lol I was reading thru my old diaries...and stuff...and like there is so much crap about Jenifer Carter in there..its funny....cause I was really jealous of her...
erinlJONES: lol, wow that was awhile back
Dana162909: right...I know..but when I was reading it ...I got real jealous again..it was sad....it really was....
erinlJONES: thats kind of odd
erinlJONES: isn't it weird, the things you hold on to, like the memories
Dana162909: about being jealous? or what
erinlJONES: i hold onto a lot of stuff
Dana162909: right..wow how did I do that
erinlJONES: just in general
erinlJONES: do what?
Dana162909: like everytime I used to see her...I would freeze...I remember one time I went to the tanning bed...and it was like Ohhhhh whoa .....I didnt know how I changed my font
erinlJONES: oh
Dana162909: lol so I saw where you failed english? did youreally? the teacher didnt give you extra credit and stuff
erinlJONES: yeah i occasionally look at my old entries in my blogger, and i'm like wow, everything was so messed up, then i recap and think oh wow but nothing has really changed....... yeah i failed english, it didn't matter about extra credit, i automatically failed cause i didn't turn in my research paper
Dana162909: ohh that stinks...so what happens now? do you take it over the next trimester? and what about soccer
erinlJONES: yep, taking it right now, lol. i'm out the rest of the season, the next two games, and perhaps a playoff game. I could be back in 3 weeks, but that will be like the second game in playoffs and i don't think we'll make it to there, but i don't really care about any of it
Dana162909: really? you are taking it well...I dont think I could if I were in your place
erinlJONES: meh... i don't care much about any thing really any more. its a little less stressful. its just a pain in the ass trying to explain to people, when they ask me why i didn't do the paper, i just shrug my shoulders and say i don't know its complicated, i let them think i'm lazy simply cause i know they wouldn't understand if i tried to explain it too them. they wouldn't understand how much of a hell i was going through while we were supposed to write the paper, they wouldn't understand how much of my effort and time i was having to put into not cutting myself and all that crap. so i just let them think i'm lazy, and thats fine with me
Dana162909: ohh Erin...I am sooo sorry
erinlJONES: don't be
Dana162909: but still I just hate seeing people unhappy...you know I was watching that Princess Diana documentry Thursday about how she would throw herself down stairs and cut her wrists...and you know you would think being a PRINCESS would make you happy...like you wouldnt have a care in the world..but it shows you that it can happen to anyone....
erinlJONES: huh, missed that, Princesss Di always interested me
erinlJONES: it, lol
Dana162909: well the rest of the tapes...its like her secret tapes are showing on Thursday....instead of ER
Dana162909: at like 9 I think...its like a two part series
erinlJONES: cool
Dana162909: yep well I think I am headed to finish studying for organic
erinlJONES: ok
Dana162909: well its been good talking to you...have a good night
erinlJONES: ditto I'll talk to you laters, goodnight
Dana162909: night
Dana162909 signed off at 11:32:37 PM.
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