There it is again, that feeling. The one in the pit of my stomach. Watching the travel channel does nothing but make me feel like my blood is bubbling to the surface, to take my heart and soul out of the here and now. Its become less of a fantasy, a far off dream, a lofty ambition. This is what I want to do and I'm going to do it dammit. Its so easy for people to denounce your passions as if its yesterdays news. Its not just a tid-bit of information that I'm casually throwing into conversation, this is something I want to seriously sit down and talk to someone about. Someone to help me lay out a plan, someone who has a bit more of an idea of what I am planning on jumping into. But who? Most people just think I'm crazy, think I'm bullshitting, or they get upset about it. Just because I want to leave doesn't mean that I will be gone forever.

Let me specify...... again. All I have ever wanted to do in life is travel. For the first time in my life I have a real chance to do it. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, the opportunity is real, it is there. All I have to do is reach out and take it, as cliche as that sounds.

I went hiking through the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens the other day (as much as you can hike in the middle of a city). I came across a fallen tree, walking up the trunk of it it quite literally felt like a fork in the road at 7 feet in the air. A moment of realization. Between a rock and a hard place, the only option is up. Granted that may not make a whole lot of sense. This week has been one of the most eventful, life changing weeks of my life (though with not a whole lot of excitement). I have put myself in a hard situation, and in the past I would vent and bitch about it to whoever would listen or write till my fingers couldn't type anymore. But I did that for years and years, as you can probably tell if you look at my old blog entries (it amazes me that I've had this thing for almost a decade). I like to think my writing has changed, I like to think I have changed, I like to think my life has changed.   The only option here is to change and adapt.

Lets put this into perspective, I lost my job. Now I didn't just lose it, I didn't simply get laid off. I got fired. Fired over something stupid, something simple. I question myself here, I was never going to quit. I was taught never to give up. I was taught that essentially you reap what you sow. But when you've completely depleted the resources of your soul for supply and demand that doesn't even acknowledge your sacrifice, it should be time to call it quits right? Why force something that obviously isn't working? I would say that I subconsciously took actions in order to fired. Accidentally on purpose. I can't even begin to list the things I've done with that company that could have gotten me fired. Always pushing the envelope, daring to be me again. So much gets lost in the politics. I got lost in the politics.

So here I am, jobless. After taking the recommendations of several family members I applied for unemployment. Some how gives me that feeling of applying for welfare, I don't believe in having anything handed to you. It should be earned. But just like the dilemma I was previously in, I earned my vacation and my sick days but got shit for trying to use either of the two. I've been trying to go by a new way of thinking (partially because I was a previous semi-hoarder): use it or lose it, use it or leave it. At this point in my life I have learned to suck up my pride and do what needs to be done. The overall greatest story of my adventurous responsibility was voluntarily going to jail for 10 1/2 days (and contemplating another voluntary visit, for traffic warrants on both accounts). I have plenty of other prime examples that didn't quite turn out in my favor but I did what I needed to do. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, just don't exploit whats been given to you.

I've been presented the opportunity to work for my previous competitor, CVS. As much as the thought of staying in retail makes me want to vomit, it is a job, it pays a hell of alot less, and its farther of a drive. Will I be strong enough to call it quits when I've had enough, will I be strong enough to leave. What will be my back up plan? Let me just say that I'd much rather be sleeping with the enemy than working for the enemy.

So here's my so called plan for now. My bottom line is that I need to be saving money. Tax return season is only a few months away, maybe then there would be enough money to break our lease. I would love to pay $500 or some miniscule amount and live in Denton or some small/fun place would be nice, Brooke and I could both save money. But it also depends on where her jobs takes her. And it might be better for me to possibly convince a family member to let me stay with them for awhile. Ugh, can I just gag on that one. Being and adult and moving home to me is such a shot at my ego, and like always I'd rather live with my mom (but if I try to work here Austin will be out of the question). I'm very independent by nature and I hate feeling like I'm stepping back into that hole I once dug for myself, the one to hide in not fall into. So I guess step 1 is to put myself into a situation where I can start to save money.

Second step but sort of the first, once I get these warrants taken care of (the ones that just popped up from something from 4 years ago, gotta love the legal system) I need to apply to get my passport. Then from there figure out if I really want to get any vaccinations or not (which i've read can add up to alot). Then from there start collecting all my necessities for backpacking. Then essentially pick the when and where I want to start at, have to figure out how the whole visa thing works. I figure with backpacking if I was able to stay for awhile somewhere I could possibly get some sort of job to help out with the pocketbook. I figure most of everything I have I will sell, give away, or put into storage (but how could I get that storage paid for while I'm gone). And the last and most important step is WTF would I do with Draco and Orion??







I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!! Maybe not right away, I know it isn't an immediate process. But its just that, a process. But I know this is going to be a necessity in my life, its something I need/want to do. I want to see all the colors of the world, all the beautiful tapestries and layers that the earth has to offer. I want to wake up with a breath of fresh air (which might not always be fresh depending where your at), I want to wake up and know I have the freedom to go where I want. The freedom to discover. I want to wake up and not feel the weight of expectations on my shoulders. I want to simply just be. I figure it'll be a bumpy ride, possibly a dangerous one at times. But if you're too afraid of living then what is the point?


This is the turning point of my life and I'm determined to make the best of it.

Berangan-angan is an Indonesian word that means dream, fantasize, aim, have ideals. Word that was used on Anthony Bourdain's: No Reservations, episode about Indonesia. The way they used it was to daydream.

After so many times of testing the waters. After so many times daring to cross the line. When do you finally jump in before you get shoved over the edge? Had fate made the decision for me or had I already laid out the stepping stones to get to this point?