"I Dream of Jeannie"

Damn that was a good show back in the day. But seriously I've been having dreams with Jeannie in them at some point or another. The one most recently, I went somewhere with a group of people and we had a blast, I came back and was telling Jeannie about it and she was like "well you could have stayed here with me." Meaning she wanted to be with me. But I haven't really thought much of my dreams recently.

Well at Ann's party we all had a really good time, I really enjoyed being there with Jeannie, be in her presence. She seemed so calm yet so nervous. Somehow nothing was weird between us which was cool. We never did talk though, about my letter. Well after we all finished watching American Beauty, we went to bed, Bree went home. Ann and Julia slept on her bed and Jeannie slept on hers (they slept in the bedroom the rest of us slept in the living room). Well we (Nikki, Amanda, Kim, and me) were all talking for a little bit, and things were kind of tight between Amanda and I, we both knew we needed to talk to the other, but not sure how to iniate it. Well we eventually began talking, and we ended up talking for more than 3 hours. For the most part it was about her feelings for Miranda, and she was telling me the things I needed to know about Miranda (things shes done). Lol everytime I'd get her to talk about Jeannie we would just as quickly go back to Miranda, I didn't want to be rude so I'd just let her talk until I could refer something back to Jeannie. We both wanted something from each other, she wanted advice from me, me I just knew she knew about my letter and I wanted to know what exactly that was and what she though about it, and if she knew anything of how Jeannie felt.

Well what I found out is: Amanda was talking to Jeannie about Miranda and she had said I don't want to make Erin mad cause she might still have feelings for Miranda. And then Jeannie, told her: no I doubt that. Amanda asked how's that. And Jeannie goes here read this (my letter). Amanda told me she thought it was sweet and it was a really good letter, and that she thought it was cool how I'd used words she'd never heard of, like rant and astounds, she didn't think I was that smart. Lol seems theres alot more people out there that have under-estimated my intelligence. She kept saying that everything that I wrote in that letter is basically how she feels towards Miranda. She told me that she went over to Ann's last sunday (day before we came back from spring break) and that she told Jeannie that she really needed to tell me yes or no or it would drive me crazy. Amanda told me that Jeannie said that Monday was going to be really weird cause she had me in her 5th period class. And well as far as I know thats all shes said. And as far as I know she still hasn't said anything to Ann about it.

I think I'm going to write her a letter later tonight. But well I hope you didn't expect to read more than that. Do you see what I'm saying theres nothing good or bad about it so it doesn't stink. But well thats all for now. Laters.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

I think that both mean types are both true. But I think the 2nd enneagram type is more true (on the 1st I only think the frist two line are true), I got bored and though I do these tests. The first one I did had 45 questions, the second had over a 100. Anyways...

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

Lol can you tell that I got kind of bored

!!**I Trust People TOO Damn Easily**!!

I feel so freaking stupid. It amazes me how much I trust people, and believe what they tell me. So does that mean I'm gullible? Uggghhh.... I hate this so much. I want to be able to trust people no matter who they are, but every time I've done that it seems to come back and slap me in the face. I swear this pisses me of so much, I just can't stand it. Why do people have to be so stupid? Why do they make me not trust them? And I know right now that you're wondering what I'm talking about, well I'm fixing to tell you.

Well at Ann's party I stayed up for like 3 1/2 hours talking to Amanda about Miranda for the most part. And I found out alot of things that I really didn't want to know but I needed too. See Ann has been convinced that Miranda has still been doing stuff, but Ann hates Miranda so I couldn't completely believe her. But in the back of my head I knew she was right. But I chose to believe Miranda, I chose to believe what she told me was true, I believed her!! I chose to to believe that she was different than last year. God I believed her. And dear, dear Amanda, told me the truth. Her and Miranda have gotten high twice since we broke up, and Amanda told me Miranda has done it more that those times. She told me Miranda had also been smoking cigarettes. Well the next day me, Nikki, Sarah, and Miranda were going to run the 5k run for project graduation. I want to knock the shit out of Miranda so bad, but I kept my will power. Plus Amanda had asked me not to say anything to her on Saturday, cause her, Miranda, and Nikki were going out that night and she wanted it to still be fun. So I kept my promise of course. Well at like 10:30 I left to go to Nikki's cause I forgot to give them my registration papers for the Race for the Cure.

 

I ended up staying and talking to Angie (Nikki's mom) until they got back, Miranda left as soon as she dropped them off. Well then Amanda called her and told her that I was supposed to talk to her tomorrow and that she didn't want her to be mad at her because she told me. And I of course listened to everything Miranda said. Then I heard the truth come from Miranda's very own mouth. She said I would find out eventually, and she said it doesn't matter if I hate her cause her feelings for me will never change. She is so "if I can't have you then I'm never going to have anyone else," that type of thing, fatal attraction I guess. But well Amanda had to go home and I ended up watching tv with Nikki till like 12:30 or so.

When I left I looked at my phone: 3 new voicemails. So I immediately checked them like I always do, the first two were from Miranda. At 11:16 p.m. "yeah its Miranda sorry I called so late, umm... I just had a very weird vibe. Umm... supposedly you're supposed to talk to me about something tomorrow, so I guess I'll wait till then. I was going to say something, but I don't even remember what I was going to say, but anyway." At 11:50 p.m. "yeah umm.. its Miranda look don't worry about calling me back or anything just forget it, everything. uhh... I don't even know why I try, you don't have to worry about it no more, don't worry about it bye." Now about this time I'm totally freak out, and even more when I get Amanda's voicemail at 11:54 p.m. "Erin its Amanda, its 12:02, and she just called me saying that if you didn't answer your phone shes gonna regret it or that you're going to regret it, which means shes probably gonna fucking kill herself. So if you get this within this night please answer your phone, cause I don't want that to happen you can call me later bye." Now the reason I hadn't answered the phone is because I left it in the car. Well when I was listening to these messages I was driving home, but as soon as I heard Miranda's last message, I did a freaking u-turn like no other, and sped off in the middle of town, and went to her house, the whole way over there I was calling her. I didn't get an answer after like 7 times so I called Amanda and asked if she'd heard from her, she said they had been text messaging but she would talk on the phone, but the last time she'd heard from her was a little after 12:00, so I was like well ok I'm on my way over to her house right now, so I guess I'll call you back in a little while to tell you what happens.

So as I was getting to her house I was still calling her, I turned off my lights and parked in front of her house. I got out, and I was in shorts and sandals (I originally only planned to be gone from my house for about 45 minutes), I started to pick up rocks. So I went and threw that handful at her windows, no answer, so I went and got another handful, and used all of those and continued to call her, no answer. So then I called Amanda and asked if she knew if there was a spare key, she didn't (then I hung up_, so then I looked under the mat and above the door, no key. So then I was like ok, hopefully theres a ladder over here, there was. As soon as I picked it up to start moving it, her dogs started barking at me, so I set it up against the house, then ran in behind a bush in case anyone came outside. So I sat there for awhile and continued to call her. then I went to get the ladder again, this time I got it in time to move it in front of the bush and I had to lean it against the 4-wheeler, then I sat there for awhile till the dogs shut up. Then I grabbed it again and moved it to the other side of the yard (where there wasn't a 4-wheeler) then the dogs started barking again, so then I sat there on the ground and waited, then after awhile I unfolded the ladder checked to see if anyone was in the living room, there wasn't, so then I sat it up on the walkway, climbed it and pull myself up onto her balcony, and walked inside, and went and turned on the light, then I walked to her bed. The light woke her up, then she turned over and saw, me she kind of flinched (like I was part of a dream), then it scared her cause someone was really standing in front of her. Her eyes were all red, I could tell she had been crying.

Then I sat there on her bed, and we just sat there in silence for awhile but I asked her if she had anything to tell me, she said no cause right then she was just completely disgusted with herself (for leaving that message, but she said that she wouldn’t ever really kill herself), then her cat came up there so I played with her, and I was like its been awhile Breenis. It was weird being in her house, I hadn't been there since like January 20th. Well then we heard someone cough so I got up and turned off the light, Miranda started freaking out, "I can't believe this, can anything else go wrong." Then I was like you know Miranda you don't leave messages like that on peoples phone and then not answer yours, she said shed turned the volume on low and that she didn't hear it. Then we sat there for awhile. And I was like I have a million things to say, but I didn't want to say them tonight. (And thats cause I really wanted to hit her, but I tend to avoid acting violent so I probably wouldn't have done it). She was like well then wait. Then later she was like so are you going to tell me now or later. I was like well I might as well do it now. I told her I'm disappointed in you and I'm mad at you for lying to me, you didn’t lie just a few times but continuously. I was like do you realize that our entire relationship was based on lies. You lied to me the entire time. I chose to believe that you were telling me the truth, that you had changed. I chose not to believe everyone. No matter how many people told me, I believed you. And you know what they were right, you let them be right.

Then I asked the details on what she had done and I know shes still partly lying to me. I knew at the first part of our relationship she was dipping and when I found out I told her to stop, she told me later she didn’t stop for another few weeks. She told me that she had smoked weed for a little bit when we first got together, but it was because she wasn’t sure about what she had at first. And I was like Miranda you’ve been unsure up until New Years. Cause that’s when she first lied to me (straight to my face). We had gone to the Star’s game that night, and we went over to Cassi and Ashley’s house, and she promised me beforehand that she wouldn’t drink. Right after we got there Cassi had made a mix and told her to taste it, she did even though I was standing right there but that didn’t make me too mad. But later I was sitting in the living room, and I was watching through the reflection in the entertainment center and I saw Miranda take a shot, and I was so pissed off. I got up and walked out the door and sat outside for like 30 minutes (and it was like 30 degrees). She wasn’t the first to look for me, two different times they came outside and didn’t see me then finally Miranda came outside and found me. I asked her if she did anything. She said no, she didn’t. Then I was like well then Miranda I guess my eyes were mistaken me, I saw you Miranda, I saw what you did, I’m not stupid. She lied to e right to me face. Anyways… Then Miranda told me she got high right after we broke up and once with Amanda. Which was a lie, Amanda told me shes done it more than twice. Then I was like and I know you’ve been smoking cigarettes too, so how frequently have you been doing it? She asked me what I thought frequently meant, I didn’t answer cause she answered my question right then. Frequently: all the time, everyday probably more than once. Everytime I’ve asked her if shes done something shes lied to me. And that pisses me off. That means that my entire relationship with her was a lie.

But well off that a little bit, she was just like I want to change, especially after tonight, I’ve been trying (I told her that was bullshit) but I just don’t know how to do it. I told her well first of all you can’t dwell on things, you have to be a good person to everyone (not to be mean to Amanda), and you have to focus on make things in the future good, and you have to learn from your mistakes and I mean really learn from them. She kept telling me she was afraid that I would just walk out of her life and never speak to her again. I told her I wouldn’t do that. She asked me that if she hits a couple of bumps in the road if I’d be there for her, I told her I would.

But well my last thoughts about this, is well as much as I wanted to beat the shit out of her physically (I didn’t), but I think I probably did a damn good job about beating it into her emotionally. This is all for now, I’m going to write about Jeannie in a little bit, I need to calm down for a bit.

OH YEAH I FORGOT, FROM WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT RECENTLY ABOUT MIRANDA THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY OF ME EVER DATING HER AGAIN!!!

!!A Long Week!!

Well we came back from spring break this week, and I must say these days have gone by as slow as ever. Yet I've been fairly busy. I got to drive to school yesterday cause we had pictures and I think mine are going to come out really well. I got to drive today cause I had an orthodontist appointment in Cleburne, Megan saw me and stopped me, and we talked for alittle bit at the gas station, I miss hanging out with her. But neither of these days did I extremely want the car. I would really like to have it tomorrow, cause I have plans that night and the next morning. I'm going to Ann's for her "surprise" birthday party. Then saturday morning I'm going to run the 5K for project graduation (I'm pretty sure it also supports breast cancer awareness). And Kyle is going to take me there and well I'm not sure when he'll pick me up on saturday. I'm fairly pissed cause he knows how much I want the car. I have this sense of great pride when I drive not to mention it makes me really happy, but also it makes me feel cool when my friends get to see me drive "the Lexus." So yeah tomorrow I'm going to feel like a freaking 10 year old again. Oh well, I suppose its worth it, I'm staying the night over there, so the whole time I'll be around Jeannie, and hopefully I'll get to "talk" to her, she still hasn't responded to me.

Today before 1st period I caught Jeannie (leaned in the door of her class to talk to her, shes in my 5th period algebra class) to tell her I wasn't going to be in class today so I asked her if she'd be at Sabrina's or back and Ann's tonight, and she said Ann's, so then I asked her if it would be ok if I call her and get the assignment from her, she said it was ok. When I first started talking to her she looked surprised, I don't know if it was just because I was talking to her, because I wasn't going to be in class and didn't know why or because my hair was/is braided (I got bored last night). I just called her and talked to her for a sec about what they did and well it felt like an actual conversation, it was cool. Hmm... I wonder how much more self-confidence I've gotten this year? And this is just for me so I can remember something: teeth, cd player, dancing.

I'm pretty excited right now. One cause I get to spend time with Jeannie tomorrow. Two, cause I'm running in that race on Saturday. Three, cause I'm running in the Race for the Cure in Ft. Worth (Sundance Square). So not only did I donate my hair, I'm now donating my time and effort, I just want to show that I support people and show that I care.

Miranda really confuses me. Last weekend she made out with Amanda but completely doens't want to be with her, she took advantage of Amanda, and Amanda really likes her alot!!. It was kind of weird when she told me, but I thought it was funny and interesting. I knew she just wanted to be with someone cause she needed the attention. She called me that night (but didn't tell me what happened), but she got all upset and started crying, and rambling on. I know she misses being with me, and I would really like to make her happy, I just want to grap her and kiss her and tell her everything will be ok. But I can't do that, I just can't, cause I want to pursue other people. But really shes alot better than she has been, I think.

But well today she ate lunch with me, and she was like when are you getting out today? And I told her 2:15, and she asked me if I could meet her somewhere cause she wanted to tell me something. And well I was thinking what the fuck you've got to be kidding me? Cause yesterday something was different and in a really weird way. She started tanning I suppose it was that, and she had been wearing the goggles so it makes her eyes look different. And well Ann has been ranting all this week about how she thinks Miranda is still smoking weed and all that shit. So I kinda thought she was, and I asked her so, and she said she wasn't and told me she'd lied to me once and she was never going to lie to me again. So yeah I believe her and have believed her the whole year that she hasn't smoked weed since the summer. But today when she told me that I flipped out. Plus she said that she thinks shes going to be grounded until she graduates. But then she was like and no its not what your thinking, I told you I didn't do anything. A little later she asked me a really random question, she was like so can you read Japanese really well, I was like well yeah I guess. And thats when it hit me, you've got to be joking? Not again. I kept asking her, did you? did you? And she just repeated maybe. I was thinking oh god she got another tattoo, but she said it was Japanese, so then I was like well then maybe atleast it will mean something. When I met her after I got out, and I was like you got a tattoo, didn't you, she was like yeah. I asked her if thats the reason she would be grounded, which it was, but she said she had just shown her mom and her mom was kinda mad. She didn't ask her parents this time, she just said that she was pissed off and that it was kind of a spontaneous thing. So I made her show me, its on her right shoulder. Yeah its Japanese, its a kanji (a word, not katakana or hiragana -letters). I was like well since its a kanji that means its a word, so asked her what it was. She told me, it means "Wild." And oooh man did that make me mad. Her first tattoo was tribal art and it didn't mean anything to her (nothing significant, just something random), and I expected more this time, but it wasn't anything of importance to her, she just thought it looked cool. Isn't that so stupid? I was like you know one day you're going to regret getting those. She was like, I kind of already do, she said its cause no one likes it. And only her mom and I had seen it. She got upset again, I told her I had to go, but I told her that I care about her, in general. Then I had to go. Yeah I'm mad at her she never thinks before doing things, like kissing Amanda and getting a tattoo and it drives me crazy.

And of course I have to have a section for Rebecca. I want to say that Becca and I are on the same level of confusion right now but not completely. You know its true that no one is perfect. Even though she seems close to it, Ms. Becca does have a flaw. She is very indecisive. She really can't seem to make up her mind, but tries to make things work even though she may want to give up (her and Megan). She seems happy, yet she say she would date me, wouldn't mind a chance with Donovan, and well basically to sumarize Analise I think she still has feelings for her (but really its just complicated, am I right?) Shes stressed about what decisions to make with school, and stressed cause shes really busy taking the classes she is right now. So well I'm kind of afriad that if she did want to pursue me I think I would feel she just wants play. Thats what it was in the past atleast. Not to mention she would probably still be pondering "what if" about other people. Thats what made it hard for me to be with Miranda I "pondered" about the other possibilites of other people. And well I'm still waiting on Jeannie, if shes a no, then maybe I'd pursue things with Megan (probably not though) and hell maybe even Miranda, theres something about not dating someone, I've noticed so much more about her since we've been apart and it is for the better, but I want to pursue other possibilities so that I won't have to wonder. My feelings for Becca are pretty much going back to the friend level, so sense in getting my hopes up or keeping hope when something will probably never happen. Makse sense? I think to be on that level again I would have to be absolutely sure she wanted me, and I wouldn't be kept waiting until a current relationship ended. I have barely got to talk to her lately, I hope things with Megan are going ok, I don't think Becca really tells me the actual depth of things (how good or bad it really is). I wish she'd call me sometimes, I miss not hearing her voice. But I suppose I have to wait to talk to her cause I knows shes busy and I don't want to interupt her, lol so I guess I let her come to me.

Well I don't have much else to say, so I'll probably write again when I get home on Saturday.

??Why is it, that when theres is good news, there is always bad news??

Ok first the bad news. Well this afternoon when my dad picked me up from school, he wasn't in his truck he was in Jan's expedition. I naturally assumer there was something wrong with the truck again. But when I asked him why he told me the truth, which I was surprised cause he never tells me anything my brothers are the ones who usually end up telling me things. He told me that he got laid off today. Which really sucks ass. He told me that they told him when he got to work this morning. His boss told him that because of the economy right now and that business wasn't doing very well that they felt they need to let some people go, and because my dad was one of the last hired there he was one of the people who got laid off. This pisses me off about our society. Just because someone that has been at a job longer get to stay, it doesn't matter if their work sucks ass. My dad has been working his ass off at this job, and he was just starting to get settled when this happened. Its not fair to him at all. He had his own business that lasted for a few years (DoorCraft, made doors, sold trim mainly) then it went bankrupt (I thought he just didn't want to do it anymore, I didn't find out the truth until my brothers told me at the beginning of this year). So then he got a job at Henson's, he was there for more than a year (almost two years I think or getting close) and then they laid him off because well someone higher than him fucked up but hes the one who suffered, well mainly it was because his boss fucked up (doing stuff he should have with business supplies) so he got fired, the man who took his place for some reason didn't like my dad so he fired him (and my dad gets a long with just about everyone). Well my dad worked his ass off on that job too. Then he got his recent job at ResiDoor, and was there for 9 months, and then let go. My dad deserves the best, and for the most part hes been treated like shit

It was weird today because this was the first time my dad actually shared something with me, and I mean just me. I could tell he was upset and had been crying (his eyes get kind of yellowish when hes been crying, which is what they were). And his voice cracked when he said he wasn't sure what he was going to do and he wiped his eyes a few times. This is the only time I've seen him emotional except at his brother's funeral. When he dropped me off today my brother Kyle was working on his truck at the top of the driveway so I went and put my stuff up, and went with dad back up there cause I knew he was going to stop and talk to him. When we parked he told me that he wasn't going to tell him anything right now. That was totally weird. I'm just kinda bummed about the whole thing. And I haven't mentioned anything to my dad about the mustang in awhile, but one of the first few things he said, was that now he wouldn't be able to get the mustand to me for a little while longer, which I totally was concerned about that (cause well that just sel-centeredness, plus I gave up on him doing that cause of his financial situations, he was almost to the place where he could actually do something besides pay bills, but not now since he got screwed over). He said he wouldn't mind working at Home Depot, cause he'd just be helping the customer with what they had in the store. At ResiDoor he had to do everything for the customer, and he hated it, cause its too stressful, he didn't have normal hours like 9-5. They'd call him before he had even dropped me off at school (the office was in Ft. Worth), and then he would have to take his work home and finish it there. So definately too stressful. He said he'd like to do an estimating business, where they measure the house plans and estimate for the builder how much trim they'll need, and that was all, no measuring doors (at Residoor he'd have to measure the exact measurements of where the door stuff went (doorknob, screws in the wall??) eveything had to be exact, if he messed up then a $700-etc. dorr would be useless) etc. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking today. Well thats all about that I guess.

For the good news (kinda), Jeannie gets to stay until the end of the year, but still it sucks cause she won't be here this summer or next year. I'll miss her in general and on the field.

As for Jeannie and I, I still have no fucking clue. Ok well the fact is that she got the letter I wrote her on Thursday and I still haven't heard a word from her. I don't like being nervous at all, and thats all I've been since Wednesday and I mean so nervous to where I'm nauseous (sp?) and thats not fun. I don't want to ask her about what she thinks cause I'm giving her the time she needs, I don't want to push her ya know? Cause I know its annoying as hell when you push someone to make a decision. She has told one person about my letter and that was the last person I expected, Amanda (who hardly knows me, but she told Ann my letter was sweet, and thats all she said). Jeannie hasn't even told Ann (her best friend, who she lives with, shes the one who told me what Amanda knew). I'm hoping I won't have to wait much longer, I'm hoping she'll finally tell me how she feels. See I have this hope that the reason she hasn't told me yet is because she does have feelings for me but she didn't know yet when she'd be leaving. And if she was leaving then she would say no, and if she got to stay then she'd say yes. Its a hope, and I don't like getting my hopes up on relationships, cause I hate being rejected. Jeannie is in my algebra class (last period) and we haven't really spoken then or in the mornings, I've said a few words, but afraid to say more cause I've been so nervous. But well thats all I have to say for now about that. I'm hoping I'll know soon.

We have soccer pictures (FINALLY) tomorrow. I'm driving no matter what, and pictures aren't till 5:30 and school is out at 4:00, so I'm hoping Jeannie will talk to me then. But I'm just glad were finally getting pictures, and I have 7 pictures on my camera and I'm going to try and finish it up tomorrow, cause once I get all of these pictures back I can finish my scrapbook. Oh today, Kear went to Brownwood to vote for the All-District players with the other coaches. He told me this morning when it was just me and him, that he was going to try his best to get me on 1st-Team All-District, and it shouldn't be to hard. How badass would that be?? He still has to give out the gatorade awards to people on the team, and one is some like the best new-comer. And it would be so badass to get that. I think I've worked my ass off to get where I am today. Well thats all I gave to say about that, I guess I'll find out tomorrow about it.

Well I need to go do my paper for psychology, the minimum is a page, and it has to be hand written and I write really small. Its over child rearing, how fun is that. But what can I say lol, I've had a fucked up life, but I'm glad I had it cause I wouldn't be where I am today.

Laters, BTW lol do you like all of my million song lyrics??

HANSON:
"This Time Around"

It's getting colder in this ditch where I lie
I'm feeling older and I'm wondering why
I heard they told her it was tell and live or die
I didn't know her but I know why she lied
I didn't know her but I know why she died

[Chorus:]
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around

And we won't go down

I heard them say that dreams should stay in your head
Well I feel ashamed of the things that I've said
Put on these chains and you can live a free life
Well I'd rather bleed just to know why I die

[Chorus]

And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down
All I know is that fear has got to go
This time around

I've started feeling like I don't want to fight
Give in to the given and put out the light
Cannons a blazing shower these moonlit skies
Then I remember and I know why he died
Do you know why I die

[Chorus 2x]

And we won't go down
And we won't go down
And we won't go down

MEREDITH BROOKS:
"Bitch"

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus:]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

MEREDITH BROOKS:
"Perfect View"

Sitting in your car, it's the edge of the night
You turn to me baby, and I say that it's alright
You stare at the moon, then the music starts
The radio plays a song, for broken hearts
Your eyes turn a deep shade of blue
You can try but you can't hide the truth
I'm on the outside looking right into you
It's a perfect view, and they say...

[Chorus:]
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Standing next to you
Na Na Na Na Na Na
It's a perfect view
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Looking straight through you
Na Na Na Na Na Na
It's a perfect view

I want to walk away, but I just can't go
'Cause I've got this fear, can't let it show
I'm a man alone don't get too near
Are those the words you mean for me to hear?
Who you are, it's something I cannot change
I realize that we both are the same
I'm on the outside looking right into you
It's a perfect view, and they say...

[Chorus]

Sitting in your car, it's the edge of the night
You turn to me baby, and I say it's all right
Just for tonight, can't we pretend
And make a world where nothing has to end, and they say...

[Chorus]

LINKIN PARK:
"By Myself"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
chorus:
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside

LIFEHOUSE:
”Hanging By A Moment"

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where I Started
Chasing after you

I’m falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all I’m lacking
completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
you take all of me

now.. I’m falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I’m diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing else to lose
nothing left to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else...

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where I Started
Chasing after you

I’m falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I’m diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment..
hanging by a moment...
hanging by a moment here with you..

Felt this way, oh so many times. I just found this on my computer, I haven't listened to it in a while. I think this is a beautiful song so I thought I'd share.

BRANDY:
"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

**Spring Break**

I suppose spring break is good and all for those of you who actually get to go do something. But for me, I'm about to go crazy, like seriously. I love thinking and all, but I've had enough of it, cause all I can do is sit and dwell on everything, on every little aspect of whats going on in my life. I feel as if everyone is avoiding me (which they may not be and it just be part of my imagination) except for Miranda. Miranda came over last night and lets just say it was really weird and awkward, and thank goodness I have a very strong will, cause if I really wanted to I could have had Miranda just like that, and yeah I've gotten lonely over the break so that made it just as much harder. But uhh.. yeah I saw Megan on monday, I told her to call me, she hasn't yet. I wrote a letter to Jeannie, and I'm scared as shit that she didn't get it, cause I called and asked if she had and they weren't sure and I'm afraid to call back so I've tried to call and see if Julia knew if she hadn't gotten it but I can't get ahold of her. I'm not expecting a response if she did get it, but still. Umm.. I wrote Becca a email, she hasn't responded yet.

Well its friday night, and I'm all alone, and nothing to do but think even when I do other things like read or watch tv. And right now I'm thinking, damn its only friday I still have two more full days and the rest of today until school starts, what the hell am I going to do? I don't want to hang out with Miranda, simply cause my will is getting weak and I'm beginning to lose what hope I do have. And if I lose my will then it wouldn't even be fair to Miranda, who wants to be a last resort, and it wouldn't even be fair to me cause I know I don't really want her, she'd just be a last resort. So I ask what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm about to go crazy. Hell my computer won't even work properly or well my internet that is. MSN keeps disconnecting, and so does my kazaa, and theres nothing else I can do on the net besides download stuff, or once and awhile talk to someone.

I keep feeling this major sense of being blown off by everyone, even by my own family. I need something positive right now, something purely positive, not out of sympathy. Cause I have so many negative thoughts running through my head. I just want to sleep, but even sleep hasn't been comforting me. My own dreams don't help, cause I seem to be remembering them more, like the one last night. I had a dream that it was the day after I left the letter for Jeannie, and I had just called Ann to see is she got it, which they hadn't so they went and checked. So Jeannie read it. A I had been waiting for awhile, and I get a text message on my phone, which I hadn't received one in forever, and I thought it was from Miranda or Megan. But it was from Ann, it said "CONGRATULATIONS YOU DID IT." That meant Jeannie actually wanted me. Then I woke up. And ever since 12:30 yesterday when I called Ann (and well before that cause I couldn't sleep after that dream) I've been waiting, but really I've just been torturing myself. Everytime the home phone rings my heart stops, then its just a disappointment its not for me, everytime my cell rings my heart skips a beat, but then theres disappointment its just Miranda. Every moment I've been awake, I've been waiting, hoping for it to be Jeannie thats calling, whether to tell me that she does want me or atleast to turn me down. I'm just tired of wondering ya know? I

'm not just torturing myself with Jeannie (but mostly her), but with Rebecca too, big surprise right. It just makes me curious, we had been talking very frequently up until the week before she went skiing. And yeah she did call me while she was there or well a day or to before she came back, but I haven't talked to her sense, I even emailed her, and she said she would email me back if I ever wrote her. She was on the other net the other day or atleast maybe it was her, but the away message never came up. Shes posted a little on her blogger since shes been back, but technically not really anything. Just makes me wonder, are things more awkward than I thought, is there some reason shes not talking to me, did I do something wrong, is she just busy, or what? I'm just really tired of wondering.

You know I was just thinking (lol big surprise huh?) I probably should go eat something, I've been thinking that for a few hours now, I'm eaten a little the last few day but not really, I've only had two techincal real meals. Chicken Express last night, and something my mom made the night before, but other than that I've just snacked on something a little bit. I hate it I know I should eat, but I'm not in the mood to eat. The only thing I've eaten today, was a package of peanut butter crackers and a package of those chocolate chip muffins that Hostess makes and thats all. You see I should eat, I just don't want to, I'm not in the mood, I feel nauseous already much less with food actually in my stomach. My stomach has been talking to me for a while now, I obviously haven't listened to it yet. I should name my stomach, lol. Hmm... what should it be?

Anyways, I don't have anything else to day. Doubt anyone is even reading this anyways, oh well. Maybe I'll talk to ya later.

HANSON:
"If Only"

Well every single time I see you I start to feel this way
It makes me wonder if I am ever gonna feel this way again.
There's a picture
tearin
in the back of my head
I see it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "You've got to hold it in" this time tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and
want to stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I
need you

Sit here waiting, wondering, hoping that I'll make this right
Cuz all I think about is your hands, your face and all these lonely nights
There's a feeling screaming in the back of my head
Saying it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "She'll never let you in" this time tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and wanna
stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I need you
I wanna hear you say it'll always be this way

And we'll be hand in hand for everynight and everyday
I wanna scream and shout cuz rules are never doubt
And all I care about is you and me and us and now
If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and wanna
stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I need you

Please don't go cause I need you now
Yeah. Cuz I need you
If only, yeah cuz I need you now
If only cuz I need you, I need you
If only , cuz I need you
If only cuz I need you
If only, yeah, if only...I need you now....yeah

!!Life REALLY SUCKS Sometimes!!

Actually life just really pisses me off sometimes. I understand that things happen for a reason, but that doesn't stop me from wondering. Why did this girl's dad have to get a job in Houston, why did her family have to move, why won't they wait till the end of the year to make her move in with them? Its just not fair to make her leave now, I'm hoping they'll wait, I'm hoping that if she leaves now it will mess with her g.p.a. credits cause thats the only way she will get to stay. Why do I have to be so shy, why is my timing never right with anyone, why do I always want the unattainable? And I know you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about right?

Well here it goes. The last time I wrote, I wrote about going over to Bree's and being able to hang out with Jeannie. Well yeah she was there, we didn't really hang out, I was late because my brother decided to go to the bank at the last minute (which ended up taking him 45 minutes, I was almost an hour late), and we watched a movie so there wasn't really any talking, I caught her eye a few times (or should I say she caught mine looking at her). But she left a few minutes after the movie was over, so no talking then. Oh and yeah I had been planning on asking her if she wanted me to take her to the zoo, but thats what they went and did today (Ann, Julia, Jeannie, Bree, and Ann's mom), we were talking about stuff when we were eating after the game friday, and Carol (Ann's mom) and Ann were talking about going up to Fort Worth and doing something (like the botanical gardens or something like that), and then I really think I gave them the idea to go to the zoo, cause I told them that they should take Jeannie cause she really wanted to go, so needless to say I didn't get to take Jeannie to the mall. I called Ann on my way home just to make sure Jeannie was going, and I told them I was just wondering cause if she wasn't for some reason then I would take her if she wanted to, the way I told her made it really obvious my intentions (Ann also knew I like Jeannie cause we sort of talked about her in history). Anyways, well there I was thinking damn I wish she could have stayed longer. Soon after that what did I find out but the horrible truth. Her parents moved over Christmas break to Houston because her dad got a new job (alot better that the one here, and her mom's new teaching job paid better than it did here). Well Jeannie stayed to finish playing soccer, up until friday she hadn't seen her parents since they left, now Jeannie doesn't get along too well with her parents, and the only reason she'd want to go to Houston is so that she could be with her sister, she absolutely loves her.

But you see, what I found out is that there is a big possibility that Jeannie will have to move next week, and her parents weren't even the ones who told her (which pisses me off), they're on spring break right now so they have to wait till next week to see if the move would affect her school credits. A ONE WEEK notice, thats not fair at all to her not to mention not fair to any of her friends. No one is emotionally prepared for this. Her best friend Sabrina told me this: "Her parents promised her till the end of the year, and they've taken that from her, and now she doesn't trust them." Later she said that if they come and take her without her consent (her not being ready to leave) then she'll run. And I know Jeannie is the type of her person that will run away. But hell I wouldn't blame her.

Well yeah obviously I don't want her to leave, and not just cause I like her, mainly cause shes a friend too. I get attached to people easily. After I left Bree's, I cried almost the whole way home. But then I settled down a little bit, I had planned last week (before I talked to Becca) to write Jeannie a letter as well as a few people from the team. I got home around 9:00 or so cause I went and got some dinner and picked up Kyle. Then I began playing a game on my computer when I got home and did that till like midnight. Then I was just going to go to bed, but I kept thinking about her, and I was like screw it I'm going to write her right now, so thats what I did, I wrote her a letter a little more that 3 pages (2 pages front and back ya know). And I waited until about 8:00 tonight, till I knew I could have the car, and begged my mom to let me go to Wal-mart (which wal-mart always has a hidden meaning, but I really always do go there... eventually). Jeannie has been staying with Ann, so I went out there, and I drove around their neighborhood like a million time trying to figure out where I should put my letter, and then I began to feel like a stalker so I drove off a couple miles down the rode then drove back then just turned off the lights, parked, and put it in the mail box, I tried to call Ann to make sure she knew it was there, but the phone cut out or something. So I'm going to call her tomorrow to tell her, I really felt retarded doing it, but it was worth it. I felt like a stalker and I definately didn't want to go to the door and give it to her, cause I live like 40 minutes away, and well the situation would have been very awkward, although, I'm sure Ann's parents will end up being the people to give it to Jeannie, and I know they'll be wondering what is up (they don't know Jeannie is gay, and definately not Ann). If she doesn't want me, then thats cool. You see I have a great sense of satisfaction right now, cause I won't end up wondering what could have happened. I gave it my best shot.

And I feel retarded saying this, cause I was going to do this anyways, and then Becca told me to, I didn't do it cause she told me to. But really I just think she gave me a little more confidence to do it. But it was really messed up, her encouraging me to be with other people. I wonder why that is? Most of the time I never feel the need to be with anyone, if I pursue something with someone and that attempt fails then I'll wait for someone else to pursue or just wait for the right timing with that first person. Or its just the opposite (kind of), I may like someone or have feelings for them, but I don't pursue it cause I know things wouldn't work out. I only pursue the possible things. My pursueing Jeannie, I think shes a possibility, and also I really didn't want to regret anything later on. But I'm tired of talking about that.

My night sort of ended well. I went to Wal-mart, and thats always fun, Miranda got back from Tahoe today so she met me up there and kept me company, it was good to see her. Her mom's boss is really weird, have I ever mentioned her? Well Miranda's mom and her mom's boss are like best friends, well Thersea (sp? the boss) is really controlling of Miranda, and she always buys her stuff. Miranda said that while they were there Thersea gave her about $200, she had $50 of it left so she bought me a movie, magazine, and a book at wal-mart (cause mom said I could only get one book, if I used to not ask her what I could get, which was stupid cause I would waster her money, technically, I really love the stuff that I got with it though, lol). But yeah it was really weird that Miranda got me stuff at W-M, and she also got me "souveneirs" from Tahoe, its weird yeah, but mainly I feel guilty cause I never have any money to pay her back (she would let me if I did) or even to buy her stuff. But that just who Miranda is, she likes to get things for people, to make them happy. Anyways, I was also happy cause I bought my own underwear and sports bras (nice to know right), I'm always very proud of myself when I can get those things. I'm not much for style with the things noone ever sees, cheaper the better is what I think, lol.

Oh, lol guess what? I got pulled over on my way home, I only got a warning thank god, my mom would have shot me if I got a ticket.... again. And thank god I wasn't speeding like I normally do, I was in a melo/relaxed mood tonight, so I had cruise control set at 75. But at night the speed limit is always 65. He was really nice to me and actually talked to me, about where I was coming from, if I was on spring break what I was doing for spring break, if I new we were a war now, and told me to have a nice night and to be safe and to follow the traffic laws. He really was nice, and oh yeah and I can't leave out this detail, he was freaking CUTE. Lol seriously he was. Theres something about guys is uniform too!! Lol

Well I'm going to go now. Hmm... still makes me curious if Becca is really online or not, oh well guess shes busy or just doesn't want to talk to me. LATER

I don't really care much for Justin Timberlake all that much, but I just like these lyrics. They kind of mean something to me, but then again they don't. Its just like you are sick of having those meaningless relationships and you want something more real, and your sick of just being friends, you want more than that. But when you think you've found that "just right" type of person, the timing is wrong, and for you it ends up being all or nothing (if you can't have them then, then you'll never have them). Lol I guess it means more to me than I thought, lol just shows whats happened to me in the past, but it doesn't really mean anything at the present time.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE:
"Nothin' Else"

I was just walking that day
Aimlessly
(Oh, oh no)
You picked a perfect day
To bump into me
(Perfect day, mmm)
Probably should've watched the stars in the sky
The night before
(Heey, hey)
But for some reason
We still met at your store
(You, baby)
Your eyes have a story that they wish to tell
And I have my whole life
And I listen well
(Hey)
Look, I'll be your confidant
Tell me anything
But please start it off with how you tuck your wings
(Ohhh ooo ohh)

[Chorus]
There's nothing else that I have seen
There's no getting around it
Or in between
You're out of this world
Except you're not green
Look
You don't know what you mean
To me
To me

All my friends meet you and say
You're the one
(You're the one, you're the one... hey ooo)
And all my meaningless friendships Should be done
(I should just leave them alone, baby, eh heh)
You had a friend
But he did you wrong
But I'm a Godsent Sign
That reads
Please move on
With me
(With me)

You taught me to use my heart
And forget my eyes
(Use my heart... forget my eyes.. mmm)
And that's the way
To His kingdom of eternal life
(ooh eh heh hehhh)
Since you're an angel, baby
Your job's never done
Too bad the world will see you
When they dial 9-1-1
(That's why..)

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

There's nothin' else in this world
(Nothin' else)
Like you
(Yeah)
So why is it so complicated?
(So complicated)
What are you afraid of?

(Oooh, ooh)
I've been asking everybody
What they think
(Yeah, yeah)
But I don't know why
Because they don't know you
(Oooh, ooh)
I'm even asking other guys
What would they say
(Yeah, yeah)
But I don't know why
'Cause they don't do what I do
(Oooh, ooh)
Girl, let's save the ultimatum for you
(Yeah-yeah, yeah)
But you'd probably take that
And just run
(Oooh, ooh)
Now I gotta decide if I'mma help raise your mind
See the ultimatums or me
That's no fun

I was just walking that day
Aimlessly

Da da da-dum
Da da da-dum
Da da da-dum
Dum dum dum...

Ok well for one thing I love Josh Groban's voice. And another thing, I really love these lyrics. Its cool cause you know when you lie in bed sometimes and you wonder if your special someone is thing about you too, or when your outside looking at the stars, you wonder who else out there is looking too. And well also this means to me, that even though you miss someone, there really not as far away as you think, and even if someone leaves your life (moving or they die), their love for you will always be there. My favorite line on this one is the one in bold. Cause I really do believe "just because you can't see it doesn't mean its not there." You have to have faith in every possibility, faith in every aspect of life. Otherwise, whats the point in doing the simplest of things, like daydreaming?

JOSH GROBAN:
"To Where You Are"

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

[Chorus]
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

[Chorus]

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I really like this song cause my favorite motto is that "anything is possible," and because its just a beautiful song. I know it drives people crazy when I tell them that, but its true anything can happen at any moment. And this song does give some examples, but none of them directly affect me. My example is soccer, just because you've beat someone before doesn't mean you'll beat them the next time. And just because something bad happens (like breaking up) that doesn't mean its the end of the world, its not impossible for things to get better. And sometimes you may think and opportunity will never happen for you, but anything is possible. My point, you can't give up, always keep trying even if it may not be necessary. Don't give up... EVER!! And seriously you really can underestimate the impossible.

JOE NICHOLS
"The Impossible"

My dad chased monsters from the dark,
He checked underneath my bed.
An' he could lift me with one arm,
Way up over top his head.
He could loosen rusty bolts,
With a quick turn of his wrench.
He pulled splinters from his hand,
And never even flinched.
In thirteen years I'd never seen him cry,
But the day that grandpa died, I realized:

[Chorus 1]
Unsinkable ships sink.
Unbreakable walls break.
Sometimes the things you think could never happen,
Happen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends.
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never underestimate,
The impossible.

An' then there was my junior year,
Billy had a brand new car.
It was late, the road was wet,
I guess the curve was just too sharp.
I walked away without a scratch.
They brought the helicopter in.
An' Billy couldn't feel his legs.
Said he'd never walk again.
But Billy said he would and his Mom and daddy prayed,
And the day we graduated, he stood up to say:

[Chorus 1]

So don't tell me that it's over.
Don't give up on you and me.
'Cos there's no such thing as hopeless,
If you believe:

Unsinkable ships sink.
Unbreakable walls break.
Sometimes the things you think could never happen,
Happen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends.
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never underestimate,
The impossible.

Lol, so what do you think of my interpretations? No I'm just kidding with ya, I just love music, and most of that music I haven't heard yet, but someday I will. But for now, this is the music I'm choosing to share with you. Oh and by the way, if you couldn't tell, I like analyzing songs and telling you what they mean to me and what they make me think about.

!!Officially Confused and Bummed!!

Ok the only thing I have to say about me being bummed, is the fact that we lost in the playoffs to North Crowely (3-1).

The other part involves two people, but no it is three people. Ok today Miranda gave me a cd (Good Charlotee, but only to borrow it of course) and a short letter that said: "Erin, hey listen number 10. Dont say anything. Dont stop during the middle listen to the whole thing. Please. This is just how I feel. Ok. AND Please dont get mad. AND sorry I didnt call I feel asleep. But I'll call you. Sometime while Im gone. Ok. Well talk to ya later. Love, Miranda"

And here are the lyrics to the song:

GOOD CHARLOTTE:
"Say Anything"

Here I am on
The phone again, and
Awkward silence is
On the other end
I used to know the sound
Of a smile in your voice
But right now (right now)
All I feel (All I feel)
Is the pain of the fighting
Starting up again

[Chorus 1]
All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time

[Chorus 2]
Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me, we can make it through
So Here we are again
The same old argument
And now I'm wonderin'
If things'll ever change, yeah
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain

[Chorus 1]

[Chorus 2]

I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
Down
Down
Down

[Chorus 2]

Don't say a word (Please don't leave)
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away (Please don't leave)
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

I was really big bitch to her the other night, which is what brought this on. I know I don't want to be with her, but I just feel so bad, cause I know she feels like crap and that shes all alone. I know this has been hard on her. But it would have hurt worse if we date any longer. I really do care about her, today was weird cause she gave me that letter (and the way I look at it, is as if she wants me to stay and still date her, but I've told her not to push me ya know) and because Ann asked me today if Miranda and I were getting back together, and I said no and she was like oh, well that sucks ya'll were really cute together (which is weird cause she didn't support us for the longest time) and then I asked her if she wanted me to get back together with her and she said yeah. Anywas, I don't think about this song in a negative way, it just depresses me cause it helped me realize even more how much she is hurting. I am never going to stop being her friend, she means alot to me. This drives me crazy, cause I want to make her happy, but the only way to do that is to get back together with her and I can't do that, one cause I don't want to and two because that would make me a big hypocrite (sp?).

Ok this week has been long and confusing, second reason is Jeannie. I can't help it, she is just really beautiful, no matter how much she beats herself down, she always says she is fat and that drives me crazy, and I always tell her shes not, but then she always gives me some excuse (honestly the only people that are skinny in this world are those who are toothpicks, I think Jeannie's body is just right, her body is "proportional" and no she is not fat). I can always tell when she is down after a game, and whenever I tell her she did good, she disagrees and says that she sucks (also drives me crazy). Theres one thing about me, but I like to watch people and try to figure them out, I watch Jeannie alot, she is really interesting. Lol its easier to figure them out when you actually talk to them. Which I've actually been talking to her, she is in my algebra class this tri, and she pretty much sits right beside me just slightly behind though. I talk to her in there, and I've actually been talking to her more in soccer. Oh on tuesday since we have spring break, Ann and Julia (together), Sabrina, Jeannie and me are going over to Bree's to watch movies and order pizza, so I'll actually get to hang out with her more on a personal level. Oh speaking of which, we have team dinners on thursdays after practice, the last one was at Ashlee's, and I'm always the last one to leave from these, well I was the last one this time too, and all of us were going to watch the games going on at the high school, well since I stayed there were only like 4 of us, and we were talking about some cool stuff, like family (Jeannie's), and people in general, and other random stuff, it was cool cause it was more on a personal level, we were actually talking and it wasn't like me just listening to her talk or everyone else talking they all listened to what I had to say, it was so cool. Yeah I've been watching her alot lately and I think shes been catching on to it, cause well its just obvious (cause I make it that way), and when she looks around the room, I always make I contact with her, so she KNOWS that I'm watching her. But not in a creepy way ya know, its more of an admiring the wonderful things of life.

But yeah I was interested in her at the beginning of the year, but I didn't pursue it cause I knew she wasn't over her ex yet (Ashley Medina), but for awhile now I've been thinking shes over her, and it pisses me off alot cause Ashley and Cassie come to our games (and they are both 2 faced bitches, seriously they are). And then I started dating Miranda so I just dropped liking her, cause it was wasting my time. But when I knew my relationship with Miranda was coming to an end, I began to like her again, a crush yes. I am going to give it another shot, although I am TERRIFIED of rejection, and yes I do wait for the other person to make a move. Tuesday is my chance. We were talking in class and she was talking about wanting to go to the zoo, so I think I'm going to look into that, and I was going to look into it before Becca began "coaching" me lol. She really only spends time with 5 different people, Ann and Julia, Ann's parents, and Sabrina. Her parents moved to Houston (new job), but she stayed here to play soccer. I need to get my pictures developed so I can show people pictures of her. Anyways enough about her..... for now.

Ok dear, dear Becca. Yes you confuse me sometimes. I am only confused for a very short time, but still confused none the less. The whole thing that happened a few weeks ago was a bit confusing but more awkward (and funny), but thats all good now. Earlier you confused me, cause you said you think, if a few weeks ago if I pushed a little harder you probably wouldn't be dating Megan, but not with me though, but on the way to dating me. Damn, I'm slow, I really don't catch on to things, hell I don't even have a "gay-dar." Yeah I know I could have pushed you (and I know how I could have and that I have the ability to), but I didn't think that you wanted me to, and I didn't think it would be fair to do so (to you or to Megan). I think if I did so I would feel bad, cause I would feel like I was trying to break ya'll up, and thats just an evil thing to do, and I'm just not that type of person. If you and Megan weren't together, then hell yeah I would have pushed you, I would have tried with all of my heart to try and snag you. But the past is the past and I can't change that. You are very happy, and you know what I am honestly happy for you. And yeah, I know you mean well in trying to help me find someone while I "wait", but thats just a little weird for me. If I'm inrested in someone and the timing is right, then I'll go for it. I'm not completely sure if the timing is right with Jeannie yet. Lol and I already knew and still know that the timing is not right with us, but hell being friends timing is quite excellent but how could that timing ever be wrong? I am patient who ever comes along at the right time, then I'll go for it. I'm not afraid to go to the edge, but I'm not ready to take a leap of faith just yet. I need a little more time, a little more time to build my confidence. But well thanks for being such a good friend, and I hope you had fun skiing, hope you have a safe trip home, hope to talk to ya soon. Oh and you sorta have (had) quite a bit of reading to catch up on, lol. Well TTYL.

Well thats all for now, I'm sure I'll remember more tomorrow, but I've had the same headache all day and yes I've taken medicine for it, I've determine that this type of headache is my body telling me that I need sleep. So well its almost 1:00 a.m. now so I'll write later.

~~The Days Go By~~

Yeah the days have been going by slowly but surely, I feel like my day just drags on and on and then finally I'm able to fall asleep (not a decent time but still sleep, I have a hard time falling asleep), but then it just seems like I've only been asleep for a few minutes then suddenly its back to the same ol' cycle again. And it seems every day is simliar, like I'm running in circles, but every once an awhile somethings comes along and knocks me off course just a little bit. I don't know, I think this week I've just been bummed out, I have nothing to do when I get home after soccer, so then all I do is think, I love thinking but sometimes it just becomes overwhelming.

We started the new trimester last thursday, I don't have soccer 2nd period anymore, so I have 5 straight classes, it has taken a lot of energy from me, its not all that bad, it just the fact that in these classes we are actually doing something the entire period and so far up until now we've hardly done anything in my others classes. I kind of like it though, it helps me focud, and it helps me focus to stay awake and use my brain more. I'm taking psychology, my teacher annoys the hell out of me so thats the only downside of that class, all my other ones are cool. Especially chemistry, I understand everything we're doing right now, plus science is one of my favorite subjects, my teacher has mixed some chemicals, which the results were awesome, but visual examples really help me, plus she actually will stop and help me if I need her to. Oh and my BCIS class this tri, my teacher is Ms. Hatley (a.k.a. Credence Hatley), older sister of Charity and Calah Hatley, both of who I went to school with for 10 years (Charity is 2 years older than me and Calah is a year younger than me). So its pretty cool having someone I know as a teacher.

Anyways, Friday we play North Crowley at 6:00 p.m. at Alvarado. I'm nervous put I'm excited, and bummed cause Becca can't go. But I'll live. But umm... thats all I have to say for now, cause I need to go to bed, and attempt to get some asleep.


MACY GRAY:
"I Try"

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But were not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'm keeping my cool but I'm feeling.

[Chorus]
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'm keeping my cool but I'm feeling.

[Chorus]

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but I’m dreamin of you
I'm keeping my cool but I'm feeling.

[Chorus]

CRAIG DAVID:
"Walking Away"

[Chorus]
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realize
some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights I'm sorry to say lady

[Chorus]

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realize
I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights I'm sorry to say lady

[Chorus]

??Utterly Confused??

Yeah right now I am utterly confused. Its weird cause I know what I want, but then all the sudden my feelings contradict themselves. I think one thing that helps them contradict is the fact that I am single now, and having dated the same person for 5 months and 5 days and then not being able to kiss someone everyday is just well a little hard. See I know I don't want to be with Miranda but I want to kiss her, I just get these little urges. And then well theres my friend Megan (from GR), she keeps telling me that she likes me, and asks me if there would be any possiblity of us dating. Which there isn't, I'm just not attracted to her, shes an awesome friend though. I know so much in my mind that I could have her, and yeah I could make out with her but I don't want her so I know if I went for her that I would hurt her in the end, not to mention it would just be weird.

Oh and another thing about Megan, its helped me realize a little of what Rebecca goes through. Lol especially with me, and its just funny so you have to laugh about it (which is what Becca did, cause she knew I wanted her), and so yeah I laughed at Megan but she didn't know what about (not making fun of her, it was just really ironic).

Anyways, oh and then theres Jeannie, I play soccer with her. I think she is absolutely beautiful, not to mention how wonderful it is so see how much confidence she has in herself. And well we aren't sure if shes bi or lesbian or hell straight anymore. But from what I know she is gay, my friend Ann told me at the beginning of the year that she was a possibility for me, and I gave it a little hope. But in my heart I knew better. So I just forgot it, shes a good friend and a wonderful teammate. I've caught myself alot recently admiring her beauty, but its one of those circumstances that I'll never have her. Besides I knew if I did date her, it probably wouldn't end well, shes one of those types of girls where I would fall head or heels for and I'd doing anything for. But the difference is that she would manipulate me, simply cause she would have more control, I just see it in her. I just can't date anyone that has control over me, cause its just not fair to me, its kind of one of those things where she'd use me for what she wants and the relationship wouldn't be equal (so what I'd give her I probably wouldn't get in return). So yeah, I like relationships to be equal its so much easier, or well with Miranda I guess I had the control simply cause I was just more disciplined than her, lol I always felt like a mother, trying to clean her up, help her realize her potential, I think I was fair to her though, I treated her equally (that is possible right?). Lol but I really felt more like a best friend than a girl friend, we were just uhh... a little closer than normal friends.

But you see, I don't really want any of those people, so I don't want to waste my time on them. Plus I don't want to risk the chance of hurting them. The way that I see it the right person will come along, and eventuall the timing will be right. You know what I mean, sometimes its the right person just not the right time, its weird how life works like that. Hell I was single for a little more than 3 years, and the relationships I had before that hardly meant anything. I was patient the entire time I waited. So I'm just going to be patient this time too. And I'm just not the type of person to have random relationships, I can't just be a makeout buddy, I have to know that it will last for a long time. I just care too much about people just to have a moment that means nothing. I will be patient, and I will wait for that very special person.

Anyways...

I finally found out yesterday that we got 2nd in district. San Angelo ended up beating Stephenville 3-0 so they got 1st, and Stephenvile 3rd. SA was 7-1, and we were 6-2, and the two losses we had were lost in shootouts. We had 3 goals scored on us not in shootout, and only one of those was in play (and it was a cheap goal too, cause it was 1 on 1) and the other two goals were off of PKs. I'm not sure who we play yet or when at that, but I think we play Crowley or North Crowley this coming Friday. If we do play on Friday that means Becca can't come and watch, so if we do play then, then we better win so she can come watch us later.

Well I don't have much else to say, but I'm a little bummed cause just about everyone I know has spring break this week, and we have it the week after. But I guess its all good cause the only person I'd want to hang out with is Becca and shes skiing in Ruidoso, NM so I wouldn't be able to see her anyways. But well I am going to try and get some extra sleep so I'll talk to ya later.

~~**!!Playoff Bound Baby!!**~~

HELL YEAH!!! We're in the playoffs baby. I'm so excited. First of all I've never been to the playoffs for a team that I actually play on. Second of all, this is well deserved we've worked our asses off to get where we are today. We beat Abilene Wiley tonight 1-0, it wasn't the best game in the world, but I felt I had a decent game for the most part I had a couple of big screwups, but I'm lucky that I play with such wonderful people cause they save my ass, and half the time that they do they get smashed into the ground. But hey we do that when we call for the ball too, like today Gina called for the ball several times cause she had the better angle, she got the ball off well but the girl ran right into her. The only thing that made me sad about the game was the fact that Rebecca couldn't come, but hey she had a legitamate (sp?) reason for not being there, but hey she can and better come see me play in the playoffs.

Anyways, and on Friday we play in Mineral Wells, which last time we played them we beat them 6-0, but I think I'm the one person on the team that is always nervous about the game, cause I know that anything is possible. So yeah I hope no one on my team will get big-headed on Friday.

Life is so crazy!! I am just utterly amazed right now. I never expected to be where I am today, and I mean the thought never crossed my mind. Slowly but surely, I've been seeing my dream coming true. And I'm not just talking about soccer (well kind of am in a way), yesterday I got a letter from Wayland Baptist University, inviting me to come visit there college, and it wasn't just one of those random things that you get in the mail. It was a more personalized letter, and it was actually signed and not just a printed signature. It made me really happy, if it doesn't conflict with playoffs I will go. Its like a weekend thing, with the whole tour thing, and they have women's soccer tryouts, which I would definately do. From what I've read its a really good college, and its far away from here (its farther that Lubbock), but I have no definate decisions yet of course I can only hope to attract more colleges, and yeah I'd love to play ball in college. If I can't go, I am going to right a letter to them, explaining to them why I wouldn't be joining them, my mom kind of think if I do that it might keep them interested and have a name in there head to look out for.

Well my classes are going very well, better that I expected as well. I am exempt from my English and geometry finals, I would be from U.S. History and Sociology too but I have too many absences cause of doctors appointments. But I am a extremely more organized than I was last year, and I manage my free time well too. I haven't yet taken the ACT or SAT yet (cause I wasn't organized), but I now have dates of the test and I am fixing to register tonight or tomorrow online, and I'm not just going to take it once, I am going to take it as many times as possible right now (3 for SAT, and 2 for ACT), and if I can take em' next year then I'll do that too. Lol I want to get the best grade as possible. And I'm also fixing to look into scholarships, I have few right now to look in to, but my dad has always told me that they have books full of them at libraries (only talked about them when it concerned my brothers, he nevers seems to think much about my future, never really has actually, more so for my brothers, thats why I love my mom so much, she understands what I want out of life). Anyways, my mom told me earlier that Brian never did anything for scholarships and stuff like that, and hell Kyle has never even tried, lol my mom also told me earlier that he is just wasting his life (which I totally agree, he has so much potential and is too stubborn to listen to anyone on ideas a.k.a. college, he wants to do things his own way, is greatest project so far is that he has patented the idea for making a koozie cup, and that he wants to be involved with Nascar someday, I don't I think hes just weird, I should write about him soon, to help you understand my feeling towards him, I should write about Brian too).

Anyways, well I think the last major thing that has amazed me, is that I am unbelievable happy. There are some things that have happened this year, that if I was the same person I was last year they would have destroyed my heart, but I've changed, and those things don't even bother me, I love it. :) Wow I'm just so happy its so cool, and I'm very serious about that too.

!!Don't Worry, Be Happy!!

Just a letter to Becca real fast.

Hey Girl,
What are you up to? Nothing much here I just got done reading your blogger. I completely understand how you wish you can be there for everyone and to help them. And I know I'm part of the reason you wrote what you did in your blogger, Becca I don't need your help ok, you haven't caused me any pain seriously. Besides if I was hurting I could handle it on my own, and you probably wouldn't be aware if I was hurting, cause I wouldn't tell ya simply cause you've got your hands full. Sometimes you just have to ignore my bullshit rantings in my blogger and elsewhere. But like I've said before, Becca you can't be everything to everyone, no matter how hard you try, its just not possible, not all at once. You can only handle so much at a time. I'm sorry that I help drive you nuts. I'm telling you this Becca, don't worry about me ok, for however much I drive you crazy, put me aside ok, don't worry about me, I'll be ok, besides I'm not hurting so I am ok really. Put me aside, don't worry about trying to make me happy, if it means I don't get to talk to you very much for awhile then thats cool, put me aside. I am a very patient person, I can wait till you have everything sorted out with everyone, save me for later lol. With what you have try to help those that really need you. I'm not saying I don't need you (lol just what you want right? just playing). You don't have to be anything more for me, you don't have to give any of your time to me, I already have what I want and need and thats your friendship. Well I don't know how big of a problem that I am, but for whatever its worth I'm sorry I confused you or upset (cause you know that was never my intention right?). But hey if you need me, I will ALWAYS be here for ya, for ranting or just to talk. Well I hope this helped ya some, or made ya feel better, or well anything else that is positive. But I better go to bed, talk to you later, have a good day, and I hope you have a good game.

Love Always,
Erin


**Random Stuff**

This song by Rascal Flatts means a lot to me, lol alot of the time I say its my theme song for Glen Rose (about the people), but also it has a little insight of how I feel deep down (being content, moving on, etc.) And well if you've ever heard it you know that it is an absolutely beautiful song. Hope you can enjoy it as much as I do.

RASCAL FLATTS:
"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Below are several quotes relating to friendship, this is just something I wanted to share, just because I feel everyone should know these things. They don't mean anything inparticular, or anything specifically directed at anyone to learn. I just wanted to share, alot of these I feel about my friends, and the others I'd hope would be applied to me. But really I hope that everyone can apply these to their friends.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation that you ever had.—Anonymous

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.--Anais Nin

A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?--<b>Kahlil Gibran

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.--Ed Cunningham

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...it has no survival value; rather, it is one of those things that give value to survival.--C. S. Lewis

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.--Henry David Thoreau

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are--chaff and grain together--certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away...--Dinah Mulock

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.--Walter Winchell

Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but mostly it will be spilled. A relationships is like that. Held loosely, with respect
and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.--Kahlil Jamison

"Stay" is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary.--Louisa May Alcott

To have a good friend is one of the highest delights in life; to be a good friend is one of the noblest and most difficult undertakings.--Anonymous

A true friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway.--Christi Mary Warner