**Spring Break**

I suppose spring break is good and all for those of you who actually get to go do something. But for me, I'm about to go crazy, like seriously. I love thinking and all, but I've had enough of it, cause all I can do is sit and dwell on everything, on every little aspect of whats going on in my life. I feel as if everyone is avoiding me (which they may not be and it just be part of my imagination) except for Miranda. Miranda came over last night and lets just say it was really weird and awkward, and thank goodness I have a very strong will, cause if I really wanted to I could have had Miranda just like that, and yeah I've gotten lonely over the break so that made it just as much harder. But uhh.. yeah I saw Megan on monday, I told her to call me, she hasn't yet. I wrote a letter to Jeannie, and I'm scared as shit that she didn't get it, cause I called and asked if she had and they weren't sure and I'm afraid to call back so I've tried to call and see if Julia knew if she hadn't gotten it but I can't get ahold of her. I'm not expecting a response if she did get it, but still. Umm.. I wrote Becca a email, she hasn't responded yet.

Well its friday night, and I'm all alone, and nothing to do but think even when I do other things like read or watch tv. And right now I'm thinking, damn its only friday I still have two more full days and the rest of today until school starts, what the hell am I going to do? I don't want to hang out with Miranda, simply cause my will is getting weak and I'm beginning to lose what hope I do have. And if I lose my will then it wouldn't even be fair to Miranda, who wants to be a last resort, and it wouldn't even be fair to me cause I know I don't really want her, she'd just be a last resort. So I ask what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm about to go crazy. Hell my computer won't even work properly or well my internet that is. MSN keeps disconnecting, and so does my kazaa, and theres nothing else I can do on the net besides download stuff, or once and awhile talk to someone.

I keep feeling this major sense of being blown off by everyone, even by my own family. I need something positive right now, something purely positive, not out of sympathy. Cause I have so many negative thoughts running through my head. I just want to sleep, but even sleep hasn't been comforting me. My own dreams don't help, cause I seem to be remembering them more, like the one last night. I had a dream that it was the day after I left the letter for Jeannie, and I had just called Ann to see is she got it, which they hadn't so they went and checked. So Jeannie read it. A I had been waiting for awhile, and I get a text message on my phone, which I hadn't received one in forever, and I thought it was from Miranda or Megan. But it was from Ann, it said "CONGRATULATIONS YOU DID IT." That meant Jeannie actually wanted me. Then I woke up. And ever since 12:30 yesterday when I called Ann (and well before that cause I couldn't sleep after that dream) I've been waiting, but really I've just been torturing myself. Everytime the home phone rings my heart stops, then its just a disappointment its not for me, everytime my cell rings my heart skips a beat, but then theres disappointment its just Miranda. Every moment I've been awake, I've been waiting, hoping for it to be Jeannie thats calling, whether to tell me that she does want me or atleast to turn me down. I'm just tired of wondering ya know? I

'm not just torturing myself with Jeannie (but mostly her), but with Rebecca too, big surprise right. It just makes me curious, we had been talking very frequently up until the week before she went skiing. And yeah she did call me while she was there or well a day or to before she came back, but I haven't talked to her sense, I even emailed her, and she said she would email me back if I ever wrote her. She was on the other net the other day or atleast maybe it was her, but the away message never came up. Shes posted a little on her blogger since shes been back, but technically not really anything. Just makes me wonder, are things more awkward than I thought, is there some reason shes not talking to me, did I do something wrong, is she just busy, or what? I'm just really tired of wondering.

You know I was just thinking (lol big surprise huh?) I probably should go eat something, I've been thinking that for a few hours now, I'm eaten a little the last few day but not really, I've only had two techincal real meals. Chicken Express last night, and something my mom made the night before, but other than that I've just snacked on something a little bit. I hate it I know I should eat, but I'm not in the mood to eat. The only thing I've eaten today, was a package of peanut butter crackers and a package of those chocolate chip muffins that Hostess makes and thats all. You see I should eat, I just don't want to, I'm not in the mood, I feel nauseous already much less with food actually in my stomach. My stomach has been talking to me for a while now, I obviously haven't listened to it yet. I should name my stomach, lol. Hmm... what should it be?

Anyways, I don't have anything else to day. Doubt anyone is even reading this anyways, oh well. Maybe I'll talk to ya later.

HANSON:
"If Only"

Well every single time I see you I start to feel this way
It makes me wonder if I am ever gonna feel this way again.
There's a picture
tearin
in the back of my head
I see it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "You've got to hold it in" this time tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and
want to stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I
need you

Sit here waiting, wondering, hoping that I'll make this right
Cuz all I think about is your hands, your face and all these lonely nights
There's a feeling screaming in the back of my head
Saying it over and over
I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
cuz I need to be with you till the end
Then I hear myself reply "She'll never let you in" this time tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and wanna
stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I need you
I wanna hear you say it'll always be this way

And we'll be hand in hand for everynight and everyday
I wanna scream and shout cuz rules are never doubt
And all I care about is you and me and us and now
If only I had the guts to feel this way, if only you'd look at me and wanna
stay, if only I could take you in my arms and say, I won't go cuz I need you

Please don't go cause I need you now
Yeah. Cuz I need you
If only, yeah cuz I need you now
If only cuz I need you, I need you
If only , cuz I need you
If only cuz I need you
If only, yeah, if only...I need you now....yeah