??Utterly Confused??

Yeah right now I am utterly confused. Its weird cause I know what I want, but then all the sudden my feelings contradict themselves. I think one thing that helps them contradict is the fact that I am single now, and having dated the same person for 5 months and 5 days and then not being able to kiss someone everyday is just well a little hard. See I know I don't want to be with Miranda but I want to kiss her, I just get these little urges. And then well theres my friend Megan (from GR), she keeps telling me that she likes me, and asks me if there would be any possiblity of us dating. Which there isn't, I'm just not attracted to her, shes an awesome friend though. I know so much in my mind that I could have her, and yeah I could make out with her but I don't want her so I know if I went for her that I would hurt her in the end, not to mention it would just be weird.

Oh and another thing about Megan, its helped me realize a little of what Rebecca goes through. Lol especially with me, and its just funny so you have to laugh about it (which is what Becca did, cause she knew I wanted her), and so yeah I laughed at Megan but she didn't know what about (not making fun of her, it was just really ironic).

Anyways, oh and then theres Jeannie, I play soccer with her. I think she is absolutely beautiful, not to mention how wonderful it is so see how much confidence she has in herself. And well we aren't sure if shes bi or lesbian or hell straight anymore. But from what I know she is gay, my friend Ann told me at the beginning of the year that she was a possibility for me, and I gave it a little hope. But in my heart I knew better. So I just forgot it, shes a good friend and a wonderful teammate. I've caught myself alot recently admiring her beauty, but its one of those circumstances that I'll never have her. Besides I knew if I did date her, it probably wouldn't end well, shes one of those types of girls where I would fall head or heels for and I'd doing anything for. But the difference is that she would manipulate me, simply cause she would have more control, I just see it in her. I just can't date anyone that has control over me, cause its just not fair to me, its kind of one of those things where she'd use me for what she wants and the relationship wouldn't be equal (so what I'd give her I probably wouldn't get in return). So yeah, I like relationships to be equal its so much easier, or well with Miranda I guess I had the control simply cause I was just more disciplined than her, lol I always felt like a mother, trying to clean her up, help her realize her potential, I think I was fair to her though, I treated her equally (that is possible right?). Lol but I really felt more like a best friend than a girl friend, we were just uhh... a little closer than normal friends.

But you see, I don't really want any of those people, so I don't want to waste my time on them. Plus I don't want to risk the chance of hurting them. The way that I see it the right person will come along, and eventuall the timing will be right. You know what I mean, sometimes its the right person just not the right time, its weird how life works like that. Hell I was single for a little more than 3 years, and the relationships I had before that hardly meant anything. I was patient the entire time I waited. So I'm just going to be patient this time too. And I'm just not the type of person to have random relationships, I can't just be a makeout buddy, I have to know that it will last for a long time. I just care too much about people just to have a moment that means nothing. I will be patient, and I will wait for that very special person.

Anyways...

I finally found out yesterday that we got 2nd in district. San Angelo ended up beating Stephenville 3-0 so they got 1st, and Stephenvile 3rd. SA was 7-1, and we were 6-2, and the two losses we had were lost in shootouts. We had 3 goals scored on us not in shootout, and only one of those was in play (and it was a cheap goal too, cause it was 1 on 1) and the other two goals were off of PKs. I'm not sure who we play yet or when at that, but I think we play Crowley or North Crowley this coming Friday. If we do play on Friday that means Becca can't come and watch, so if we do play then, then we better win so she can come watch us later.

Well I don't have much else to say, but I'm a little bummed cause just about everyone I know has spring break this week, and we have it the week after. But I guess its all good cause the only person I'd want to hang out with is Becca and shes skiing in Ruidoso, NM so I wouldn't be able to see her anyways. But well I am going to try and get some extra sleep so I'll talk to ya later.