!!Officially Confused and Bummed!!

Ok the only thing I have to say about me being bummed, is the fact that we lost in the playoffs to North Crowely (3-1).

The other part involves two people, but no it is three people. Ok today Miranda gave me a cd (Good Charlotee, but only to borrow it of course) and a short letter that said: "Erin, hey listen number 10. Dont say anything. Dont stop during the middle listen to the whole thing. Please. This is just how I feel. Ok. AND Please dont get mad. AND sorry I didnt call I feel asleep. But I'll call you. Sometime while Im gone. Ok. Well talk to ya later. Love, Miranda"

And here are the lyrics to the song:

GOOD CHARLOTTE:
"Say Anything"

Here I am on
The phone again, and
Awkward silence is
On the other end
I used to know the sound
Of a smile in your voice
But right now (right now)
All I feel (All I feel)
Is the pain of the fighting
Starting up again

[Chorus 1]
All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time
After time after time

[Chorus 2]
Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me, we can make it through
So Here we are again
The same old argument
And now I'm wonderin'
If things'll ever change, yeah
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain

[Chorus 1]

[Chorus 2]

I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin' down
Down
Down
Down

[Chorus 2]

Don't say a word (Please don't leave)
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away (Please don't leave)
I know you wanna stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

I was really big bitch to her the other night, which is what brought this on. I know I don't want to be with her, but I just feel so bad, cause I know she feels like crap and that shes all alone. I know this has been hard on her. But it would have hurt worse if we date any longer. I really do care about her, today was weird cause she gave me that letter (and the way I look at it, is as if she wants me to stay and still date her, but I've told her not to push me ya know) and because Ann asked me today if Miranda and I were getting back together, and I said no and she was like oh, well that sucks ya'll were really cute together (which is weird cause she didn't support us for the longest time) and then I asked her if she wanted me to get back together with her and she said yeah. Anywas, I don't think about this song in a negative way, it just depresses me cause it helped me realize even more how much she is hurting. I am never going to stop being her friend, she means alot to me. This drives me crazy, cause I want to make her happy, but the only way to do that is to get back together with her and I can't do that, one cause I don't want to and two because that would make me a big hypocrite (sp?).

Ok this week has been long and confusing, second reason is Jeannie. I can't help it, she is just really beautiful, no matter how much she beats herself down, she always says she is fat and that drives me crazy, and I always tell her shes not, but then she always gives me some excuse (honestly the only people that are skinny in this world are those who are toothpicks, I think Jeannie's body is just right, her body is "proportional" and no she is not fat). I can always tell when she is down after a game, and whenever I tell her she did good, she disagrees and says that she sucks (also drives me crazy). Theres one thing about me, but I like to watch people and try to figure them out, I watch Jeannie alot, she is really interesting. Lol its easier to figure them out when you actually talk to them. Which I've actually been talking to her, she is in my algebra class this tri, and she pretty much sits right beside me just slightly behind though. I talk to her in there, and I've actually been talking to her more in soccer. Oh on tuesday since we have spring break, Ann and Julia (together), Sabrina, Jeannie and me are going over to Bree's to watch movies and order pizza, so I'll actually get to hang out with her more on a personal level. Oh speaking of which, we have team dinners on thursdays after practice, the last one was at Ashlee's, and I'm always the last one to leave from these, well I was the last one this time too, and all of us were going to watch the games going on at the high school, well since I stayed there were only like 4 of us, and we were talking about some cool stuff, like family (Jeannie's), and people in general, and other random stuff, it was cool cause it was more on a personal level, we were actually talking and it wasn't like me just listening to her talk or everyone else talking they all listened to what I had to say, it was so cool. Yeah I've been watching her alot lately and I think shes been catching on to it, cause well its just obvious (cause I make it that way), and when she looks around the room, I always make I contact with her, so she KNOWS that I'm watching her. But not in a creepy way ya know, its more of an admiring the wonderful things of life.

But yeah I was interested in her at the beginning of the year, but I didn't pursue it cause I knew she wasn't over her ex yet (Ashley Medina), but for awhile now I've been thinking shes over her, and it pisses me off alot cause Ashley and Cassie come to our games (and they are both 2 faced bitches, seriously they are). And then I started dating Miranda so I just dropped liking her, cause it was wasting my time. But when I knew my relationship with Miranda was coming to an end, I began to like her again, a crush yes. I am going to give it another shot, although I am TERRIFIED of rejection, and yes I do wait for the other person to make a move. Tuesday is my chance. We were talking in class and she was talking about wanting to go to the zoo, so I think I'm going to look into that, and I was going to look into it before Becca began "coaching" me lol. She really only spends time with 5 different people, Ann and Julia, Ann's parents, and Sabrina. Her parents moved to Houston (new job), but she stayed here to play soccer. I need to get my pictures developed so I can show people pictures of her. Anyways enough about her..... for now.

Ok dear, dear Becca. Yes you confuse me sometimes. I am only confused for a very short time, but still confused none the less. The whole thing that happened a few weeks ago was a bit confusing but more awkward (and funny), but thats all good now. Earlier you confused me, cause you said you think, if a few weeks ago if I pushed a little harder you probably wouldn't be dating Megan, but not with me though, but on the way to dating me. Damn, I'm slow, I really don't catch on to things, hell I don't even have a "gay-dar." Yeah I know I could have pushed you (and I know how I could have and that I have the ability to), but I didn't think that you wanted me to, and I didn't think it would be fair to do so (to you or to Megan). I think if I did so I would feel bad, cause I would feel like I was trying to break ya'll up, and thats just an evil thing to do, and I'm just not that type of person. If you and Megan weren't together, then hell yeah I would have pushed you, I would have tried with all of my heart to try and snag you. But the past is the past and I can't change that. You are very happy, and you know what I am honestly happy for you. And yeah, I know you mean well in trying to help me find someone while I "wait", but thats just a little weird for me. If I'm inrested in someone and the timing is right, then I'll go for it. I'm not completely sure if the timing is right with Jeannie yet. Lol and I already knew and still know that the timing is not right with us, but hell being friends timing is quite excellent but how could that timing ever be wrong? I am patient who ever comes along at the right time, then I'll go for it. I'm not afraid to go to the edge, but I'm not ready to take a leap of faith just yet. I need a little more time, a little more time to build my confidence. But well thanks for being such a good friend, and I hope you had fun skiing, hope you have a safe trip home, hope to talk to ya soon. Oh and you sorta have (had) quite a bit of reading to catch up on, lol. Well TTYL.

Well thats all for now, I'm sure I'll remember more tomorrow, but I've had the same headache all day and yes I've taken medicine for it, I've determine that this type of headache is my body telling me that I need sleep. So well its almost 1:00 a.m. now so I'll write later.