Subject its just whatever
Posted Date: Monday, May 22, 2006 - 9:23 PM

I feel like one of those damn cliche movies.

Subject so...... my phone
Posted Date: Saturday, May 20, 2006 - 9:58 PM

So just FYI for everyone, the screen on my phone is broke, and for awhile i could still tell what i was doing, but now its completely out.  So I can't read text messages or tell who calls.  So if you want to know something or want to talk call me and if I don't answer leave a voicemail. Otherwise email me or something.  Laters.

Her reaction to nearly everything is to get drunk. Mine is to want to kill myself and cut. Hmm... wonder whose held out the longest, me, surprisingly. I'm so tired of being abandoned while i huddle in a corner and think nothing other than some form of self-destruction. She wants me to let go, just to chill. I don't understand the concept. I go about my life minding my own business, if i have something to say then i say it. But thats not the point. The fact is that, we've constantly been fighting since we started to plan to move in together. And now that we have done it, we're still arguing. Sure all plain and simple right. No. Yeah when i'm happy and not exhausted and such i do have a really good time when i go out, hell I even dance a little. But she won't just stop to absorb what i'm telling her. And its always due to the fact that she has had a few to drink, which is when we tend to fight. I do let go, believe it or not i do have fun. But i'm so emotionally and physically exhausted right now. I haven't stopped going since saturday night. I've had the bare minimum of sleep. I'm so tired i haven't been able to see correctly for two days now. I tried telling her that. We fight cause i sit there, even when she knows i'm tired, she still wants me to go. And the one time i'd like to be able to go out with her and her friends, i mean actually planning to do it, rather than last minute shit, she says no. She wants to have a girls night out. fine fine.

I don't mind whatsoever about that, but its the way she verbalizes it. She used to get so offended when i used to want to go out by myself, granted this was when we were first dating. She claimed I was trying to hide her, etc etc. Thats how i feel now, worthless/useless/ashamed of myself. I mean i'm sorry I haven't exactly been a bundle of fun the last few weeks, but I'd atleast like to think its understandable. So yeah have fun, go out with friends (even though before the lines were blurred they were once my friends too), I honestly don't mind. But I don't think she sees the fact that I am simply envious of her, I don't have friends that I can go out with, or that come over to the house, or that would help me move. I don't have shit. Yeah sure I do have my friends that very very rarely do i ever get to see, and even then they are all a generation or two older than me. I'm envious of her because she gets weekends off, she can call in a day or two cause she can use her vacation time. For the last month and a half i've really only had about a day off a week. I've been working my ass off, so i can make ends meet, so i can pay bills and make our rent, trying to do more, so its less for her (cause she has a few other things to take care of). Does she see that i work my ass off, for her. I don't get any leisure time. I get off work, wait for her to get off work, and if she wants to go somewhere, I go even if I don't want to go, simply because i want to spend time with her, be with her. We have the few hours after work before we go to bed, and the hour or so we have when we get up before we go to work. She says we live together, as if it means we are around each other 24/7, which isn't nearly true. Its not about being paranoid of whoever she is hanging out with when i'm not there, its the fact that i want to be with her whenever wherever.

She expects me to just let loose, I can't just do that right now, i barely have had the energy to make it through work and not fall asleep on the way home or when driving her to the bar etc. But she just shoots me down everytime i try to talk with her about things, not argue, just talk. I mean just listen, I mean cut me some slack, I can't just do a 360 right now or whatever. I'm fucking exhausted, have been for awhile, she knows this, but still gets pissed at me. Let me get settled into the new place, have the bills and shit taken care of, and I will, I will I promise, I will calm down again. I will have fun, just haven't been able to help that I've been so high strung. And yes yes stress makes me very very crazy.

I love her to death. People don't understand us, or why we are together. We don't really understand it either sometimes. But the feeling you get knowing that its her lying next to you in bed, and she is the one you'll be waking up next to. No matter if we were mad at each other when we went to sleep and whatnot. I do love her, and she loves me and thats the bottom line.

Anyways, its raining now, I think maybe i can sleep now. adios.

Damn me and my moods swings. I've had so much stress that has just built up, it was crazy. Today was a very good day though. My first actual day off in like a month, and it was very very productive, and i got to spend it all with Kat. Moving of course, cleaning etc. etc. Good day. I'm tired, but happy atleast. And although its almost 1 in the morning, we're still going to go and move some things. Adios. Oh and by the way, does anyone even read this anymore.