***BOPPER***
Well it is no lie. Yes I do like Becca, I guess I really always have since I first met her but at that time I didn't know I was bi. All I've really felt about Rebecca is how much of an amazing girl she is, and what a blessing it is to know her. Her intelligence astounds (and yes it is spelled correctly, lol) me. Her mind is what has always drawn me to her. From the first time I heard her speak, I've been drawn to her. She has never been afraid to express her opinions. I love just hearing her talk about everything, and how she feels about them. Especially when she talks about the stars. I have always admired her, I haven't been able to pin point all of the wonderful things about her simply because there are so many. I truly just like talking to her on the net, on the phone, and just hanging out with her. I absolutely love being her friend. It doesn't surprise me at all that so many other people have fallen for her, and people will continue to fall for her.
But seriously Becca I have said this many times, I don't expect anything more from you than your wonderful friendship. I do not intend to spend my time pining (spelled correctly, lol) for something I might not ever have. Cause I've done that before and its no way to live, I was miserable. I truly cherish your friendship and I don't want to do anything that would jepordize that. I expect nothing of a relationship.
Ok yeah I like you Rebecca. And yeah you have a girlfriend. I think it would be awesome if yours and Megan's relationship grew and got stronger, I would have no problem with that, I'd be very happy for you. I don't want you to have to worry that you're hurting me, cause we both know you already have your hands full with that. I never get my hopes up anymore, simply cause I've gotten shut down so many times before. But also cause I'm not going to get excited about something until I know for sure its going to happen.
The other day you said this: "i won't say never, i won't say not in highschool, i won't say no to next month or maybe next week, all i will say no to is right now." Then you said this: "oh, and by the way, the distance between you and i and the distance between megan and i is just about the same." You tell me its a possiblity, but I know better than to get my hopes up. But you see Becca, you told me earlier on the phone that you think your getting to that point again where you just want a makeout buddy. Thats what you had talked about last summer, and I let that get to me alot more than I should have. Thats when I used to let my hopes get up, and nothing ever happened with us then. I trust you with all that I am, so I am believing you that there is a chance for us to be together some day. I have my doubts, but I trust you. But you see Becca, and I told you this and you should know it, I don't want to be a makeout buddy, I don't think I could handle that. I want an actual relationship. So if the time ever comes that you want to make something of a relationship with me, all I ask is that you will be sincere with me and not just want play.
I don't expect anything right now, being friends is awesome. But if something ever comes of us, let it be sincere cause I really just couldn't handle it. I expect nothing. I can promise you that I won't be one of those people you have to worry about getting over you. Hell I didn't even know till yesterday that last summer was considered a date, and that I was on your list of opportunities. Which yeah being on that list is pretty much really weird, but hey if you say I was an opportunity then I guess I was.
But as far as I'm concerned right now, yeah I like you but if nothing ever comes of that, then thats cool, I like you for who you are, my friend. Not as a crush or anything like that, but just being your friend is a sure privelage of this life. And if being more than friends ever comes of that, then that would be a dream come true I guess. Or really that would just be a benefit to know such a great girl, cause then I would get to know you even more.
Well now that I am starting to feel quite weird about this I think I'm going to go, talk to you later. And I don't want this to change anything about us, cause like I said before I don't like putting people in weird positions.
~~~Those Are Some of the Things I'd Never Say, But Now I Have~~~
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Thursday, February 27, 2003
!!!!~MIRANDA~!!!!
My head hurts alot, I feel like I'm about to go crazy. I just spent the last 44 minutes talking to Miranda. It really breaks my heart to see her or hear that she is hurting. But I can't help how I feel. She told me that the letter I wrote her, she thought I meant I just needed a break. And she keeps saying she just doesn't understand how my feelings can just suddenly change. And I told her that I honestly don't know that either, but my feelings are my feelings and I can't control how I feel. I can only choose how to act on those feelings. And my feelings didn't just suddenly change, I hadn't felt the same about her for awhile for more than a month, and I tried to make things work I really did but they just didn't.
Ok this is what I told my friend Erika earlier: "umm... let me see how to explain this, well I love her but I don't. See in my heart I knew it wasn't going to last and that my love for her would change and it did, but she was falling even more in love with me everyday, and I just couldn't keep going on with our relationship cause I knew the more it went on the more it would break her heart, and if I kept going with it then I would have been leading her on and thats not fair to her."
I told Miranda that and she still didn't really understand. I just couldn't live a lie. I knew from when I first started dating her that I should be cautious about loving her, cause I knew if I lied then it would break her heart. But finally I gave in and I gave love a chance, funny thing is I only told her I loved her since a little after New Years. And I really thought I meant it, but I'm beginning to think that I was lying but my mind was blinding me from the truth. And that really pisses me off, cause I'm in this situation. She keeps scaring the shit out of me, cause I keep thinking shes going to do something stupid. Cause she keeps saying she doesn't know how shes going to live with out me. But I made her promise she wouldn't do anything stupid.
Well you see we almost broke up twice during this 5 month period. And I ended up getting back together with her, I thought cause I really cared about her. But I realized earlier hell maybe it was because I was on a major guilt trip. Cause I feel so guilty right now, I keep thinking I want to make her happy, and the only way to do that is to get back with her. But then I remind myself that I can't do that, cause it would be a lie, not to mention it would make me miserable. Arghh.. this is driving me crazy.
I have to stand my ground, I'm trying to keep her positive though, the best I can. I think since she thought I just needed a break, and is just now realizing I was really breaking up with her, that it is just now really sinking in. For real this time. So hopefully it will get better.
My head hurts alot, I feel like I'm about to go crazy. I just spent the last 44 minutes talking to Miranda. It really breaks my heart to see her or hear that she is hurting. But I can't help how I feel. She told me that the letter I wrote her, she thought I meant I just needed a break. And she keeps saying she just doesn't understand how my feelings can just suddenly change. And I told her that I honestly don't know that either, but my feelings are my feelings and I can't control how I feel. I can only choose how to act on those feelings. And my feelings didn't just suddenly change, I hadn't felt the same about her for awhile for more than a month, and I tried to make things work I really did but they just didn't.
Ok this is what I told my friend Erika earlier: "umm... let me see how to explain this, well I love her but I don't. See in my heart I knew it wasn't going to last and that my love for her would change and it did, but she was falling even more in love with me everyday, and I just couldn't keep going on with our relationship cause I knew the more it went on the more it would break her heart, and if I kept going with it then I would have been leading her on and thats not fair to her."
I told Miranda that and she still didn't really understand. I just couldn't live a lie. I knew from when I first started dating her that I should be cautious about loving her, cause I knew if I lied then it would break her heart. But finally I gave in and I gave love a chance, funny thing is I only told her I loved her since a little after New Years. And I really thought I meant it, but I'm beginning to think that I was lying but my mind was blinding me from the truth. And that really pisses me off, cause I'm in this situation. She keeps scaring the shit out of me, cause I keep thinking shes going to do something stupid. Cause she keeps saying she doesn't know how shes going to live with out me. But I made her promise she wouldn't do anything stupid.
Well you see we almost broke up twice during this 5 month period. And I ended up getting back together with her, I thought cause I really cared about her. But I realized earlier hell maybe it was because I was on a major guilt trip. Cause I feel so guilty right now, I keep thinking I want to make her happy, and the only way to do that is to get back with her. But then I remind myself that I can't do that, cause it would be a lie, not to mention it would make me miserable. Arghh.. this is driving me crazy.
I have to stand my ground, I'm trying to keep her positive though, the best I can. I think since she thought I just needed a break, and is just now realizing I was really breaking up with her, that it is just now really sinking in. For real this time. So hopefully it will get better.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
This is one of my favorite songs in the whole world, and yeah it definately kicks ass.
AVRIL LAVIGNE:
"Things I'll Never Say"
I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say
Guess I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say
AVRIL LAVIGNE:
"Things I'll Never Say"
I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say
Guess I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say
*Cans, cans, cans, and more CANS*
Ahh... my beloved cans. I think I've been keeping them since the beginning of my sophmore year, no wait, the end of my freshman year. Its so crazy. I am such a complicated person, I have my very own system of crushing cans. First, I take the tabs off of every can that I drink and RC's have their own pile. Second, I crush the can with my hands the best I can. Then, I line them all up on the floor in several row, and crush them with my feet. And the one thing that is really weird is that they have to be drinks that I drank, and no one elses. Well by the time I'm done crushing the cans, they end up being an inch tall. And well I have one huge bag in the attic that could fit like 5 of me in it. Its full and I have several other bags full of crushed cans. I would have to say I have cans in the thousands. I wonder how much money I'll get when I eventualy take them to be recycled. I love my cans. Oh and my brother Kyle told me that one of his friends filled a milk jug full of coke tabs and then sent it in to some place and they gave him $100 for it. I wonder if thats true?
~~Miranda~~
Well Miranda is kind of freaking me out lately. She keeps saying she doesn't know what shes going to do without me, and that she is nothing with out me. Its like no matter what I tell her she negative about it. I'm afraid that if I stop talking to her she'll do something really stupid, but you see I don't think she'll get over me unless I stop talking to her. I don't want to stop talking to her, but we still talk to each other after every class period, she still calls me at home. So like the only difference of us not dating is that we don't kiss or anything. I really don't want to hurt her, I'm just not sure what to do, I'm hoping that if I minimize the time then it will easier for her. But I suppose its never easy to let go of someone you love. She has so much potential but she like refuses to see it, it kind of seems to her that I am what makes her up as a person. And thats just not the way it is. She is her own person, and yeah I think I've helped her to realize some of her potential. But thats all I've really done besides love her.
The way I see it and I've told her this, that we would be one of those couples that break up and never speak to each other again, and I think that would break her heart. But I think the whole time we were dating I knew it wouldn't last forever (yeah I loved her but not like head-over-heels in love that last forever), but it was still an important part of my life. Its weird cause with most relationships the people really like each other before they date, but for me and Miranda, I didn't have a crush on her, she just interested me, and I knew that with time you can begin to like someone (and that didn't take long), and eventually you can love them. But really Miranda is just my best friend, and we happened to be closer than that, but not anymore. I can still see us being best friends, but nothing besides that, no benefits!! I can't lead her on. I want to be friends with her, but I think its going to take her a while to fully realize that. I don't know, I can't stand to see her hurting but theres not much I can do, cause if I let or relationship going on longer, I would just have been putting off the enevitable, and it would end up hurting her worse than she is now. I guess all I can do is be the best friend to her that I can be, even though that seems really weird.
Ahh... my beloved cans. I think I've been keeping them since the beginning of my sophmore year, no wait, the end of my freshman year. Its so crazy. I am such a complicated person, I have my very own system of crushing cans. First, I take the tabs off of every can that I drink and RC's have their own pile. Second, I crush the can with my hands the best I can. Then, I line them all up on the floor in several row, and crush them with my feet. And the one thing that is really weird is that they have to be drinks that I drank, and no one elses. Well by the time I'm done crushing the cans, they end up being an inch tall. And well I have one huge bag in the attic that could fit like 5 of me in it. Its full and I have several other bags full of crushed cans. I would have to say I have cans in the thousands. I wonder how much money I'll get when I eventualy take them to be recycled. I love my cans. Oh and my brother Kyle told me that one of his friends filled a milk jug full of coke tabs and then sent it in to some place and they gave him $100 for it. I wonder if thats true?
~~Miranda~~
Well Miranda is kind of freaking me out lately. She keeps saying she doesn't know what shes going to do without me, and that she is nothing with out me. Its like no matter what I tell her she negative about it. I'm afraid that if I stop talking to her she'll do something really stupid, but you see I don't think she'll get over me unless I stop talking to her. I don't want to stop talking to her, but we still talk to each other after every class period, she still calls me at home. So like the only difference of us not dating is that we don't kiss or anything. I really don't want to hurt her, I'm just not sure what to do, I'm hoping that if I minimize the time then it will easier for her. But I suppose its never easy to let go of someone you love. She has so much potential but she like refuses to see it, it kind of seems to her that I am what makes her up as a person. And thats just not the way it is. She is her own person, and yeah I think I've helped her to realize some of her potential. But thats all I've really done besides love her.
The way I see it and I've told her this, that we would be one of those couples that break up and never speak to each other again, and I think that would break her heart. But I think the whole time we were dating I knew it wouldn't last forever (yeah I loved her but not like head-over-heels in love that last forever), but it was still an important part of my life. Its weird cause with most relationships the people really like each other before they date, but for me and Miranda, I didn't have a crush on her, she just interested me, and I knew that with time you can begin to like someone (and that didn't take long), and eventually you can love them. But really Miranda is just my best friend, and we happened to be closer than that, but not anymore. I can still see us being best friends, but nothing besides that, no benefits!! I can't lead her on. I want to be friends with her, but I think its going to take her a while to fully realize that. I don't know, I can't stand to see her hurting but theres not much I can do, cause if I let or relationship going on longer, I would just have been putting off the enevitable, and it would end up hurting her worse than she is now. I guess all I can do is be the best friend to her that I can be, even though that seems really weird.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
!!Sledding!!
Yeah I like this weather that we are having right now, reminds me of the old days. Lol freezing rain all night long, makes perfect for sledding. I went sledding last night at 10:00 and didn't come in till after midnight, it was great. A little lonely being by myself, but I had my dogs Striker and Fred out there with me. Strikers fur was nearly all frozen from where the sleet collected. He has always truly been my good ol' trusty dog, he always goes with me when I go hiking and random adventures.
The last time the weather was like this (I don't think school was in session) was before our house was built, and so that was about 6 or 7 years ago I think. My mom and John were still together. And oh wow, we still had the brown van. Mom and John and parked the van up the hill, and my brothers Brian and Kyle, and my step-brother Jon-Pauland me sledded down that hill, I can still remember Kyle and Jon-Paul pretty much sliding in to the fence, it was hilarious. This was on the Big Hill, if you've been out here you'd know what I'm talking about. Ahhh.... the good ol' days.
Wow, I have the same headache that I had when I went to bed last night (or well morning I should say), I think its cause my body still isn't the proper temperature. Oh well. I think my brother and I are fixing to go down the Big Hill. Later
Yeah I like this weather that we are having right now, reminds me of the old days. Lol freezing rain all night long, makes perfect for sledding. I went sledding last night at 10:00 and didn't come in till after midnight, it was great. A little lonely being by myself, but I had my dogs Striker and Fred out there with me. Strikers fur was nearly all frozen from where the sleet collected. He has always truly been my good ol' trusty dog, he always goes with me when I go hiking and random adventures.
The last time the weather was like this (I don't think school was in session) was before our house was built, and so that was about 6 or 7 years ago I think. My mom and John were still together. And oh wow, we still had the brown van. Mom and John and parked the van up the hill, and my brothers Brian and Kyle, and my step-brother Jon-Pauland me sledded down that hill, I can still remember Kyle and Jon-Paul pretty much sliding in to the fence, it was hilarious. This was on the Big Hill, if you've been out here you'd know what I'm talking about. Ahhh.... the good ol' days.
Wow, I have the same headache that I had when I went to bed last night (or well morning I should say), I think its cause my body still isn't the proper temperature. Oh well. I think my brother and I are fixing to go down the Big Hill. Later
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Whoops...
Yeah yesterday I gave Becca this address to read about what happened with Miranda and I, but stupidly I forgot that I had written about her on this, and those things I don't necessarily want her to know. Mainly cause I am afraid she'll shut me down and tell me there is no possibility that my feelings or hopes of being with her someday will never come true. Also, I don't want to put her in a weird position or us I should say. Shes dating a girl right now, who she is extremely happy with. So yeah I don't think that I am in the position or that I have the right to tell her, yeah I still have feelings for you. Lol well I do, but shes happy where she is at, and so am I but, like I said before I still think about that opportunity not taken. But ya see, Rebecca is this amazing girl, she has the most beautiful mind which completely captivates me. And yeah it does benefit that she is beautiful on the outside too. I love being friends with her, and I don't ever want to do anything to ruin that, so yeah I'm afraid of her reading the rest of my blog, cause I don't want things to get weird. But hey who knows, maybe it would be a good thing that she knew but then again I'm not really sure about that. I guess I'm really afraid of rejection, but its technically not rejection cause I don't expect anything to happen between us nor do I ever, being friends is absolutely great. Besides, the reason nothing ever happened between Becca and I was because of the distance, or well I hope it was just the distance, and not that she really just didn't like me. Anyways, nothing would probably happen now because of the distance, but like I said before maybe after high-school, well that is if she really does like me like that. Lol once again, but being friend is great too.
Wow I sound like a freaking idiot!!
Yeah yesterday I gave Becca this address to read about what happened with Miranda and I, but stupidly I forgot that I had written about her on this, and those things I don't necessarily want her to know. Mainly cause I am afraid she'll shut me down and tell me there is no possibility that my feelings or hopes of being with her someday will never come true. Also, I don't want to put her in a weird position or us I should say. Shes dating a girl right now, who she is extremely happy with. So yeah I don't think that I am in the position or that I have the right to tell her, yeah I still have feelings for you. Lol well I do, but shes happy where she is at, and so am I but, like I said before I still think about that opportunity not taken. But ya see, Rebecca is this amazing girl, she has the most beautiful mind which completely captivates me. And yeah it does benefit that she is beautiful on the outside too. I love being friends with her, and I don't ever want to do anything to ruin that, so yeah I'm afraid of her reading the rest of my blog, cause I don't want things to get weird. But hey who knows, maybe it would be a good thing that she knew but then again I'm not really sure about that. I guess I'm really afraid of rejection, but its technically not rejection cause I don't expect anything to happen between us nor do I ever, being friends is absolutely great. Besides, the reason nothing ever happened between Becca and I was because of the distance, or well I hope it was just the distance, and not that she really just didn't like me. Anyways, nothing would probably happen now because of the distance, but like I said before maybe after high-school, well that is if she really does like me like that. Lol once again, but being friend is great too.
Wow I sound like a freaking idiot!!
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Huh...
Well sometimes things just amaze me, like Miranda, she took everything so well in fact I'll put her letter on here:
Erin,
Well its like I have all these feelings I'm not really sure how to put them on paper. But one thing is I do respect your decision. And if you need time then that's fine. I just don't want to drift apart. And yes it hurt. But the more I see you the pain is healing. I dont want us to fade. I care about you so much. I think that us not being together will help me understand what I dont have. And you say that you dont understand how I can like you just the way you are. But your the person I met and I dont want you to change. And your not plain. Your special to me and I know you will make it far in life. You have helped me see and understand so many things. And you had and still have faith in me. When so many times I just felt like I was going to lose it. You have been there and supported me in so many things when others just doubted me. I will never forget that. You re one of the best things that have happened to me. And you cant blame yourself and it's not all my fault. I think it was bound to happen. I dont want to say we wont ever be together again. Just some time apart, to see what we really want. Erin I love you so much. And just want to make you happy. And if your happy without me that's fine. I just want the best for you. This isn't like with Ann. But it is she is happy now and I am happy for her. And if you choose the same. Then I will respect that. But I need to go we are going to have a test on this movie I am supposed to be watching. Ok. if yall dont have a game. Call me tonight. Even if yall do if you want to.
Love Always,
Miranda
Well anyways, last night we did ended up playing despite the all the rain we had. I had a really good game, and a few awesome saves in front of the goal, it was great, even the ref told me good job. But we finished the game 2-2, we scored our second goal with only a 1:30 left, it was crazy. But sadly to say we lost to San Angelo Lake View 4-2, we didn't score at all in the shoot out. I was and still am really bummed about it, now we only have two games left and we have to win both. I really want to go to playoffs, and I plan on working my ass off to get there, I only hope that the rest of my team will do the same. Well thats all I have to say for now.
Well sometimes things just amaze me, like Miranda, she took everything so well in fact I'll put her letter on here:
Erin,
Well its like I have all these feelings I'm not really sure how to put them on paper. But one thing is I do respect your decision. And if you need time then that's fine. I just don't want to drift apart. And yes it hurt. But the more I see you the pain is healing. I dont want us to fade. I care about you so much. I think that us not being together will help me understand what I dont have. And you say that you dont understand how I can like you just the way you are. But your the person I met and I dont want you to change. And your not plain. Your special to me and I know you will make it far in life. You have helped me see and understand so many things. And you had and still have faith in me. When so many times I just felt like I was going to lose it. You have been there and supported me in so many things when others just doubted me. I will never forget that. You re one of the best things that have happened to me. And you cant blame yourself and it's not all my fault. I think it was bound to happen. I dont want to say we wont ever be together again. Just some time apart, to see what we really want. Erin I love you so much. And just want to make you happy. And if your happy without me that's fine. I just want the best for you. This isn't like with Ann. But it is she is happy now and I am happy for her. And if you choose the same. Then I will respect that. But I need to go we are going to have a test on this movie I am supposed to be watching. Ok. if yall dont have a game. Call me tonight. Even if yall do if you want to.
Love Always,
Miranda
Well anyways, last night we did ended up playing despite the all the rain we had. I had a really good game, and a few awesome saves in front of the goal, it was great, even the ref told me good job. But we finished the game 2-2, we scored our second goal with only a 1:30 left, it was crazy. But sadly to say we lost to San Angelo Lake View 4-2, we didn't score at all in the shoot out. I was and still am really bummed about it, now we only have two games left and we have to win both. I really want to go to playoffs, and I plan on working my ass off to get there, I only hope that the rest of my team will do the same. Well thats all I have to say for now.
Thursday, February 20, 2003
*Lyrics*
1. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Don't Waste Your Heart"
2. DIXIE CHICKS:
"I Believe In Love"
3. DIXIE CHICKS:
"More Love"
4. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Top Of The World"
5. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Let 'Er Rip"
6. DEFAULT:
"Wasting My Time"
7. NATALIE IMBRUGLIA:
"Goodbye"
8. NATALIE IMBRUGLIA:
"Contradictions"
9. GOO GOO DOLLS:
"Had Enough"
10. RASCAL FLATTS:
"Like I Am"
11. RASCAL FLATTS:
"My Worst Fear"
Yeah I used pieces of each of these songs in my letter, so if they sound interesting feel free and go and look them up, lol and yeah in the letter you have know clue which on goes with which song, sorry.
1. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Don't Waste Your Heart"
2. DIXIE CHICKS:
"I Believe In Love"
3. DIXIE CHICKS:
"More Love"
4. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Top Of The World"
5. DIXIE CHICKS:
"Let 'Er Rip"
6. DEFAULT:
"Wasting My Time"
7. NATALIE IMBRUGLIA:
"Goodbye"
8. NATALIE IMBRUGLIA:
"Contradictions"
9. GOO GOO DOLLS:
"Had Enough"
10. RASCAL FLATTS:
"Like I Am"
11. RASCAL FLATTS:
"My Worst Fear"
Yeah I used pieces of each of these songs in my letter, so if they sound interesting feel free and go and look them up, lol and yeah in the letter you have know clue which on goes with which song, sorry.
Well I broke up with Miranda today, I'm fixing to put the letter on here that I wrote her, all of the bold and italicized stuff is pieces of lyrics I got from several different longs which I might list on the end. Well here ya go.
Miranda,
Ok seriously this is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. And contrary to what people may say (or what you may think), I really do care about you, and always have. I really did love you (still do), and no matter what it seems like, I have always had the best intentions for you, thats why I am such a hard-ass. Yeah lately I’ve been questioning about being with you, and I know I’ve given you reasons that have to do with you, but those are only like 25% of my decision. And reading Amanda’s letter really helped my decision. It made me fully realize something. The whole time we’ve been together I’ve had too many expectations of you, and I knew some you wouldn’t be able to do. But I’ve always tried to help you to realize how much potential that you have, and by doing that I’ve asked a lot from you and most of it you have done. But I’m really not sure that I helped you at all. You have made so many sacrifices for me and that means a lot to me.
But you see you’ve never asked anything of me, I know I’m not perfect and I know I’m really a bitch to you sometimes (more so lately) but you never say anything to me about it. I just can’t believe you love me just the way I am, I have so many flaws and problems (you either don’t know about them or you never say anything about them). I just really feel that this relationship isn’t fair for you, cause you’re always worrying about what you did or what you might do wrong, or being afraid of me being mad at you. I don’t want to see you waiting for me or for things to work out, its not worth it, cause my heart is just not in the right place right now. For awhile now I think we’ve both been pretending that nothing was wrong, but you’ve been thinking it was something you did, but all the while it was me. I just can’t keep putting you in the position where you feel bad or guilty for something you never did. I know its me and theres nothing you can do to change my feelings about that. I know its me cause I keep pushing you away and putting you down, and you get the run-around (thinking you did something wrong). I really don’t mean to hurt you and I really do apologize. But like I said my hearts not in the right place anymore and it can’t compromise to stay with you. I know it’ll be hard to do but please don’t waste your heart on me.
You know seriously I made a promise to myself that I’d never lie to you. Although I still love you, I just can’t be with you right now, and I feel if I say “I love you” then I would be lying and I’m afraid I’d be leading you on or something. Does that make sense? I love you as a friend and more than a friend, but I just don’t have that passion of love for you right now. I truly believe that in love we have a choice and it’s the truth. Love is waiting out there somewhere else, theres more love in the world right now than just me. And I know that sounds impossible but its possible, love is everywhere you just have to find it. I’m saying this cause I don’t want you to give up. Well you see everyday seems the same lately. I’ve tried to resist the urge to breakup with you. And I’ve wanted to believe things will get better, but I know in my heart that they won’t, not now atleast. We’ve both been hanging on by a single thread, but sometimes that thread breaks, but new thread can always be made right?
Well I keep seeing the truth, the sadness in your eyes and all the confusion. I really thought I had everything worked out in our relationship, but it all failed because there were too many expectations. Things like that, just don’t make much sense. But really I want to stand on my own two feet and I want to look at my life as a one way street. Atleast for now I want to be on my own. I’m not quite sure what to do, I know what I need, but I won’t follow, and I won’t lead. I know you’re trying to understand the way you make me feel, but for the most part I am happy with you. But other times you really piss me off or upset me. But you see you are my strength, but my weakness. You are my faith, but you are my doubt. We are really close and I don’t want to lose that. Even though being friends sounds really weird, but I know we can make it work. And believe it or not you have made a change in me. I’ve always been an understanding person, but I am more of one now. You have shown me real love, and also you’ve proved to me that even the person who everyone doubted the most can change for the better. You’ve given me hope and inspiration. But I always wonder if I will ever see all the things you see in me.
You say you’ve never felt what you feel for me ever before, so I’m original. Well let me tell you I feel the same about you, you are truly one of a kind. Well there’s no easy way to say goodbye. But really its not goodbye, I just don’t want to be with you anymore. You asked me if we would be friends no matter what happens, well thats a definite yes. Knowing that you really love me makes it hard to tell you I’m leaving. You finally gave me one good reason not to go, but staying here is my worst fear. Lately I knew there was something missing, and only one thing left to do, I have to leave behind that life that we’ve been living. However, you see being alone is my worst fear, but staying here is my worst fear.
Amanda may not think that I realize your great qualities, but I do. I know you’re caring and I do respect you for you cause you’re being who you are. And despite some things I say I love you for you (even if you do things that piss me off). I just want you to be true to who you are, and I think that I am hindering you from being that person. And I agree you are an awesome person and you deserve the best. And yeah my life is special, just by having you in it (also agree with her). But you see I want you to be true to yourself, and realize your potential and to do something with it. Have fun but don’t do any of the stupid shit that I strongly disapprove of and have brought up so many times. Right now I need some me time. Everything with us and any aspect of relationships has been distracting me. I really need to focus on soccer and my academics. I’m happy right now, just distracted.
Also, lately I’ve had a lot of people from my past come back into my life, I’ve just talked to them but its stirred up a lot of old feelings and memories. And honestly you don’t know these stories. And with my mom doing chemo, I need to do something with that, but can’t figure out exactly how I’m supposed to help, yet. I don’t know things have just been a lot more stressful lately, and I need to figure out what everything is and get them sorted out. I hope you can respect my decision. Don’t get me wrong, I really care about you, but I just don’t have that passion of love right now. As far as us getting back together I don’t know right now, but it’s not an option though. When I get things figured out, if I feel I want to be with you again then I will tell you. But I ask, please do not pressure me. I just need your support and respect. And like Amanda said “if its meant to be it will work out in the end.” But well its almost 1 a.m. and I need to get going, and thats all I have to say for now. Talk to you later.
Love Always, Erin
P.S.
Well you wanted to know the truth about what I felt, so here it is. This is whats been on my mind. And I also didn’t want to drag it out cause then you would hurt worse.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Dangit...
Unfortunately we lost our first districe game last night (second round of district), to Stephenville, we are now 4-1. We played an exceptionally good game, with all of the circumstances. We had some of our key players injured before the game (at the end of this game, one more to the list, Jeannie with a concussion), but mainly we changed almost our entire line-up (4 people stayed in the same positions, me, Jamie, Taylor, and Sabrina). I thought we did very well with adjusting with the changes, like Coach Kear said "Its just won of those games where the ball just won't go in." We had so many shots on goal but none of them sank in. Wow, just a good game. We ended in a tie, 0-0, no goals scored in play. And what I keep saying, is that there isn't really anything you can do in a shoot out, just 1 on 1 on action. We ended up losing 3-1, and Ann scored which is cool and ironic cause before that she had no confidence in herself that she could do it, and we all told her she could, and she did. Let's see Sabrina chipped it over the goal, Tasha's was blocked by the goalie, and Jennifer's was just outside of the left corner pole. Not much you can do in situations like that.
We were all happy about the game. But our fans on the otherhand, ooohhh.... man was our team pissed. Which I completely understand but I tend to just ignore everyones comments, and keep my mouth shut, cause I like for things to stay calm. And some parents keep trying to say it was mostly the teenage people saying crap. But we on the team no better, those teenagers don't come to every game. But more parents than the normal were talking crap. Yeah I understand sometimes where they're coming from on bad calls but thats usually a rare case. Most of the time the ref is making the right calls, and we as players agree with him, well except some when they're frustrated (at them selves). But it really embarasses us when our own parents (mine know to be quiet) are screaming at the refs. It really pisses us off when they scream at us, they try to tell us what to do and how to play our game. We are doing what our coach tells us to do, but really we're playing our game. He has told us that before, that all he can do is advise us before the game, and then when we're on the field there isn't anything he can do about it, cause he's not the one playing. Our parents criticize us more than they encourage us, its just sad. But yeah like I said I just keep my mouth shut, cause I don't want to start anything or embarass some of the players (cause its their parents). I'm the peacemaker I guess you could say, last night I had to ask them to be quiet (yelling but calmly done). Well anyways, it was a good game, just really disappointed, I really wanted to win. I played one of the best games I've had so far. I just want to say two words: backward headers!!
Unfortunately we lost our first districe game last night (second round of district), to Stephenville, we are now 4-1. We played an exceptionally good game, with all of the circumstances. We had some of our key players injured before the game (at the end of this game, one more to the list, Jeannie with a concussion), but mainly we changed almost our entire line-up (4 people stayed in the same positions, me, Jamie, Taylor, and Sabrina). I thought we did very well with adjusting with the changes, like Coach Kear said "Its just won of those games where the ball just won't go in." We had so many shots on goal but none of them sank in. Wow, just a good game. We ended in a tie, 0-0, no goals scored in play. And what I keep saying, is that there isn't really anything you can do in a shoot out, just 1 on 1 on action. We ended up losing 3-1, and Ann scored which is cool and ironic cause before that she had no confidence in herself that she could do it, and we all told her she could, and she did. Let's see Sabrina chipped it over the goal, Tasha's was blocked by the goalie, and Jennifer's was just outside of the left corner pole. Not much you can do in situations like that.
We were all happy about the game. But our fans on the otherhand, ooohhh.... man was our team pissed. Which I completely understand but I tend to just ignore everyones comments, and keep my mouth shut, cause I like for things to stay calm. And some parents keep trying to say it was mostly the teenage people saying crap. But we on the team no better, those teenagers don't come to every game. But more parents than the normal were talking crap. Yeah I understand sometimes where they're coming from on bad calls but thats usually a rare case. Most of the time the ref is making the right calls, and we as players agree with him, well except some when they're frustrated (at them selves). But it really embarasses us when our own parents (mine know to be quiet) are screaming at the refs. It really pisses us off when they scream at us, they try to tell us what to do and how to play our game. We are doing what our coach tells us to do, but really we're playing our game. He has told us that before, that all he can do is advise us before the game, and then when we're on the field there isn't anything he can do about it, cause he's not the one playing. Our parents criticize us more than they encourage us, its just sad. But yeah like I said I just keep my mouth shut, cause I don't want to start anything or embarass some of the players (cause its their parents). I'm the peacemaker I guess you could say, last night I had to ask them to be quiet (yelling but calmly done). Well anyways, it was a good game, just really disappointed, I really wanted to win. I played one of the best games I've had so far. I just want to say two words: backward headers!!
Monday, February 17, 2003
GRANBURY
For all its worth, I am extremely happy that I listened to my heart. I suppose it is more than I expected. But I know with all of my heart, that I will always be red and white deep down in my soul, it is a huge part of me. And slowly but surely I have been letting go. I've realized a lot actually.
During practice and in class, I look around and capture the moment. I let everyone's face and personality sink in to my soul, and I realize this is where I belong. This is my new home, yes different people, but the love is just the same, well except that there is more of it here. These people are my friends, they accept me for me, the weird quirky little girl that I am. :) In Glen Rose I never really spoke up, and I generally was quiet. I think its really ironic when I my friends in Granbury tell me that I talk alot. And you know what? I speak up for myself, I am not afraid anymore, I let my opinion be known. I can truly be me with these people, they invite me in with open arms. They invite me to their homes, and include me in conversations and don't treat me as if I am a nuisance. They like me for me.
For the first time, in a very long time. I am happy. I know that as long as I live, if someone asks me for advice, the one thing I know I can always say is, "Follow your heart, and truly listen to it." This motto has helped me make my dream come true, or atleast one of them so far. And I expect many more to come, what can I say there are many more stars to be reached.
For all its worth, I am extremely happy that I listened to my heart. I suppose it is more than I expected. But I know with all of my heart, that I will always be red and white deep down in my soul, it is a huge part of me. And slowly but surely I have been letting go. I've realized a lot actually.
During practice and in class, I look around and capture the moment. I let everyone's face and personality sink in to my soul, and I realize this is where I belong. This is my new home, yes different people, but the love is just the same, well except that there is more of it here. These people are my friends, they accept me for me, the weird quirky little girl that I am. :) In Glen Rose I never really spoke up, and I generally was quiet. I think its really ironic when I my friends in Granbury tell me that I talk alot. And you know what? I speak up for myself, I am not afraid anymore, I let my opinion be known. I can truly be me with these people, they invite me in with open arms. They invite me to their homes, and include me in conversations and don't treat me as if I am a nuisance. They like me for me.
For the first time, in a very long time. I am happy. I know that as long as I live, if someone asks me for advice, the one thing I know I can always say is, "Follow your heart, and truly listen to it." This motto has helped me make my dream come true, or atleast one of them so far. And I expect many more to come, what can I say there are many more stars to be reached.
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Hoping.........
Everyday I log on to the net, hoping. Hoping for what? I'm never quite sure. Everytime that little screen pops up on MSN (just 1 new message), I start to get excited hoping, just hoping. Then, as most of the time, I am disappointed to find that it is just junk mail. Just hoping, I always keep hope alive. I know what this hope is. Its the hope that several of my long lost friends (not always quite so lost) will write me an actual email. Well two of the three I can keep tabs on, but it makes me sad each time I check up on them, cause I know in my heart that they are not checking up on me. The other lives in Lubbock, going to college at Tech (this is Dana). The other two, Michelle and Rebecca.
Now ya see with Dana she is just a good friend I'd like to hear from. But with Michelle and Rebecca, I guess I feel like we have some unfinished business, or well just I keep replaying some scenes from my painful past over in my head (mostly about Michelle), I have gotten over those things but I suppose I have forgiven them but not completely forgotten them, but I don't dwell on them thank God.
Anyways, well Rebecca is the one that got away, although I know that nothing would work out with us in high school, and it would rock my world if something happened between us after high school. Since Becca and I live in different towns, the distance thing, literally keeps us apart, thats why we didn't pursue anything when we had the chance. But all I have to say about that, is that with life I can only hope for the best in the future, and not to dwell on my current disappointments. If things are supposed to happen then they will eventually happen.
One of the things I love to do, is to just sit and think, but sometimes it becomes my own worst enemy. Well I really like to sort things out in my head, and I analyze things alot. And the one thing I keep thinking is just to keep hoping, always keep hoping, and never to give up on life's possibilities. After all you know what they say, "when one door closes, another one opens." I believe that, but I also believe that sometimes the door that closes will open for one more opportunity.
"All The Things She Said"
Tatu
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help, it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?
I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes, but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else, so we can be free
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough
All the things she said
All the things she said
And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault, but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away, where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
'Cause I'm feeling for her, whats she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head
Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind
Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?
Everyday I log on to the net, hoping. Hoping for what? I'm never quite sure. Everytime that little screen pops up on MSN (just 1 new message), I start to get excited hoping, just hoping. Then, as most of the time, I am disappointed to find that it is just junk mail. Just hoping, I always keep hope alive. I know what this hope is. Its the hope that several of my long lost friends (not always quite so lost) will write me an actual email. Well two of the three I can keep tabs on, but it makes me sad each time I check up on them, cause I know in my heart that they are not checking up on me. The other lives in Lubbock, going to college at Tech (this is Dana). The other two, Michelle and Rebecca.
Now ya see with Dana she is just a good friend I'd like to hear from. But with Michelle and Rebecca, I guess I feel like we have some unfinished business, or well just I keep replaying some scenes from my painful past over in my head (mostly about Michelle), I have gotten over those things but I suppose I have forgiven them but not completely forgotten them, but I don't dwell on them thank God.
Anyways, well Rebecca is the one that got away, although I know that nothing would work out with us in high school, and it would rock my world if something happened between us after high school. Since Becca and I live in different towns, the distance thing, literally keeps us apart, thats why we didn't pursue anything when we had the chance. But all I have to say about that, is that with life I can only hope for the best in the future, and not to dwell on my current disappointments. If things are supposed to happen then they will eventually happen.
One of the things I love to do, is to just sit and think, but sometimes it becomes my own worst enemy. Well I really like to sort things out in my head, and I analyze things alot. And the one thing I keep thinking is just to keep hoping, always keep hoping, and never to give up on life's possibilities. After all you know what they say, "when one door closes, another one opens." I believe that, but I also believe that sometimes the door that closes will open for one more opportunity.
"All The Things She Said"
Tatu
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help, it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?
I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes, but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else, so we can be free
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough
All the things she said
All the things she said
And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault, but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away, where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
'Cause I'm feeling for her, whats she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head
Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind
Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Why is Life so Confusing!!!!!!!!
I swear for the last few weeks, I've felt really content with my life and happy with it. But then I keep having these self-detructive moments. Its mainly with me and Miranda. But you see when I have these moments its always cause I begin to want the unattainable and those things have always seemed unattainable. But really I think these things bother me cause when these moments were occurring they were just within my grasp, and just as they were about to happen, it was as if a gust of wind blew a piece of grass, just as quick as you can snap your fingers, they never happened. And I guess those things have just been brought up recently. Yeah I know you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
Well for the most part its about my friend Rebecca, its weird, I know I will probably never have her and she'll probably never know how I feel or have felt. I've just been talking to her a lot and reading her blogger and catching up on her life (when I think about it, I don't think she really catches up on me, so that also shows me she doesn't have feelings for me, I thought she did at one time but guess not shes never said anything about that time period). Well another thing is, my friend Megan, who yeah is pretty much my bestfriend in GR, well last week she told me that she honestly has had feeling for me the whole time (since we started hanging out this past summer) and she still does, and she asked me if I still had feelings for her. And well I don't really, but there was still that sense of wonder, I wondered what would have happened if we had gotten together. So yeah I've been thinking about that alot.
I don't know, I've just been thinking about those times, and then nearly most of the time now, I wonder what if? And there are like a million things I could put with that. I don't know if this makes sense or not. But I do know I can't bring this up with Miranda, cause she'll get extremely pissed and jealous too.
Well see when I analyze what is going on in my head. I've determined that there are alot of things that I would like out of the person I'm dating and with Miranda I haven't been able to get some of those things. I have expectations, which I shouldn't cause that means I'm kinda comparing her to other people's qualities. But yeah I really love Miranda, but I still have my aspirations. Like for instance I know in my mind that nothing will ever come of Becca and me (pessimistic right?), but her and Miranda are so different, they each have qualities the other doesn't. And I have a person with half of those qualities or well she hasn't found the rest yet, lol, so I tend to find myself thinking about Becca or different people, not necessarily in more than a friend way, just things I like about people I notice.
Ahh... geez, I'm just confused right now. I'm happy where I'm at on the path that I'm on, just wondering how things could be different if I had chosen a different path some time ago. I think about that alot, I wonder how different things would be if even one milli-second changed. Lives could be changed forever. I can only imagine.
I swear for the last few weeks, I've felt really content with my life and happy with it. But then I keep having these self-detructive moments. Its mainly with me and Miranda. But you see when I have these moments its always cause I begin to want the unattainable and those things have always seemed unattainable. But really I think these things bother me cause when these moments were occurring they were just within my grasp, and just as they were about to happen, it was as if a gust of wind blew a piece of grass, just as quick as you can snap your fingers, they never happened. And I guess those things have just been brought up recently. Yeah I know you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
Well for the most part its about my friend Rebecca, its weird, I know I will probably never have her and she'll probably never know how I feel or have felt. I've just been talking to her a lot and reading her blogger and catching up on her life (when I think about it, I don't think she really catches up on me, so that also shows me she doesn't have feelings for me, I thought she did at one time but guess not shes never said anything about that time period). Well another thing is, my friend Megan, who yeah is pretty much my bestfriend in GR, well last week she told me that she honestly has had feeling for me the whole time (since we started hanging out this past summer) and she still does, and she asked me if I still had feelings for her. And well I don't really, but there was still that sense of wonder, I wondered what would have happened if we had gotten together. So yeah I've been thinking about that alot.
I don't know, I've just been thinking about those times, and then nearly most of the time now, I wonder what if? And there are like a million things I could put with that. I don't know if this makes sense or not. But I do know I can't bring this up with Miranda, cause she'll get extremely pissed and jealous too.
Well see when I analyze what is going on in my head. I've determined that there are alot of things that I would like out of the person I'm dating and with Miranda I haven't been able to get some of those things. I have expectations, which I shouldn't cause that means I'm kinda comparing her to other people's qualities. But yeah I really love Miranda, but I still have my aspirations. Like for instance I know in my mind that nothing will ever come of Becca and me (pessimistic right?), but her and Miranda are so different, they each have qualities the other doesn't. And I have a person with half of those qualities or well she hasn't found the rest yet, lol, so I tend to find myself thinking about Becca or different people, not necessarily in more than a friend way, just things I like about people I notice.
Ahh... geez, I'm just confused right now. I'm happy where I'm at on the path that I'm on, just wondering how things could be different if I had chosen a different path some time ago. I think about that alot, I wonder how different things would be if even one milli-second changed. Lives could be changed forever. I can only imagine.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
~~MIRANDA~~
Well I don't know who all will read this, but if ya don't know about my "secret" life, heres a little insight to my life. As of September 15, 2002 I've been dating Miranda Smith (yes a girl, and yes I'm a girl). Now we've had a couple of bumps in the road so far (at the time it feels like speedbumps), but we've made it through those times and we truely are stronger or that I think. I never really knew Miranda last year, but from what I've been told, she has been completely different since shes been with me (and thats a great thing). :) This is by far the weirdest relationship I've ever been in, but thats not a bad thing. Like I've said before this relationship has been alot of firsts for me!! Well its the longest yeah, she was my first kiss ever, and the first same-sex relationship I've ever had.
Now those of you who don't know about my secret life, heres the big surprise (yeah right), I've bisexual and obviously I happen to be dating a girl at the moment. I know several people at school who are bi, who seem to think its ok to be dating a boy and a girl at the same time, and whats weird is that their boyfriends don't care. As for me I am strictly a monogamous woman. I strongly believe that it is cheating if you are dating more than one person, whether they are the same-sex or the opposite sex. That really is a big pet peeve of mine. But then again I have to respect that they have a different opinion than me.
Well I just felt like sharing with the world a little about my wonderful girl:
1. I love the way she loves me.
2. She is willing to make every single sacrifice in order to make me happy.
3. Even though I tell her not to she gives me little gifts.
4. Shes someone that I can cuddle with.
5. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her and cause of that she does some crazy things.
6. I love looking into her captivating blue eyes.
7. And I just love being with her
I will add more things to the list another time.
Well I don't know who all will read this, but if ya don't know about my "secret" life, heres a little insight to my life. As of September 15, 2002 I've been dating Miranda Smith (yes a girl, and yes I'm a girl). Now we've had a couple of bumps in the road so far (at the time it feels like speedbumps), but we've made it through those times and we truely are stronger or that I think. I never really knew Miranda last year, but from what I've been told, she has been completely different since shes been with me (and thats a great thing). :) This is by far the weirdest relationship I've ever been in, but thats not a bad thing. Like I've said before this relationship has been alot of firsts for me!! Well its the longest yeah, she was my first kiss ever, and the first same-sex relationship I've ever had.
Now those of you who don't know about my secret life, heres the big surprise (yeah right), I've bisexual and obviously I happen to be dating a girl at the moment. I know several people at school who are bi, who seem to think its ok to be dating a boy and a girl at the same time, and whats weird is that their boyfriends don't care. As for me I am strictly a monogamous woman. I strongly believe that it is cheating if you are dating more than one person, whether they are the same-sex or the opposite sex. That really is a big pet peeve of mine. But then again I have to respect that they have a different opinion than me.
Well I just felt like sharing with the world a little about my wonderful girl:
1. I love the way she loves me.
2. She is willing to make every single sacrifice in order to make me happy.
3. Even though I tell her not to she gives me little gifts.
4. Shes someone that I can cuddle with.
5. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her and cause of that she does some crazy things.
6. I love looking into her captivating blue eyes.
7. And I just love being with her
I will add more things to the list another time.
Blah....
Yesterday was a good day but a bad one too. Today was good but it wasn't very exciting I've felt like crap all day. Yesterday we had to travel all the way to Abilene, but luckily we got to spend a luxurious ride on a charter bus, and we watched Remember the Titans on the way there. And we won our game 1-0, that was the good part of the day.
The bad part was that my history teacher made me cry, in front of the whole class, I was so embarassed and sad. Yeah I normally do all of my work and make really good grades well this week in his class has just sucked, cause I feel really stupid to try and ask him anything cause he just shuts me down. Well yeah my mind this week has been out in space, and I've had a billion different thoughts running rapantly through my head (and its only wednesday), and especially the thing with my mom. And well he gave us these 5 questions on friday and well they weren't questions it just said to answer in detail, and then he gave us 10 questions monday, and were really hard questions (hardest ones the whole tri), and my mind has just been one big blur, and I really did try, repeated, to do it and I would read it and read it and it was like my mind wasn't comprehending what it was doing. and then after awhile without even realizing it I would just be staring at my book, and when I realized it I would get really pissed off. Having my mind off in never neverland and really trying to do my work and not being able to concentrate really frustrates me and I get upset (if ya don't believe me ask Miranda shes seen me like this but with geometry), and then having that attention brought up to the whole class. See I've just tried to appear lazy, which I hate, but seriously when I get frustrated and I just can't figure out answers I get really really upset, and it makes me feel dumb. So yeah he drew the attention to other people in the class that had written 3 words for their answer and compared them to a kid's (who normally doesn't do anything) paper who answered in detail. Then he was like and lets see or you could just not do any of it or just answer one question like Erin did. And that really pissed me off, and yeah I wanted to just tell him off so bad but I couldn't tell him the real reason cause he is just cold-hearted, but I started to say something and then yeah he kept saying things that I was lazy, blah, blah, blah. It really upset me cause he just doesn't understand and the other people in my class know that and told him so and he was just like whatever and shut her down. But yeah needless to say I started crying and didn't stop till the class was almost over it was like 15 minutes or so.
Well then we were leaving at 1:00 and I have B lunch so I get out at 12:48, well I was still upset and went to find Miranda (shes in A lunch then is in class when I have lunch) to get some lunch money, and then she just held me and told me it would be ok, so I felt a little better. Well I still thought I had plenty of time, but then I realized I had like 5 minutes. So I ran in and got my soccer bag and left and went and but all my crap on the bus, then ran inside and got some food, then ran back to the bus, then figured I'd better go to the bathroom so I did and still had a little time left (hurrying for nothing really sucks). Well then I get really calm till we get to Abilene and I start to get dressed. I started freaking then everyone asked what was wrong. I had left my cleats, shin-gaurds, and my ankle-gaurds. Then several of the girls let me borrow their extra stuff, so then everything was ok again. But I had to ride home in the backseat of Bee's truck, well half the seat, and trust me for 3 hours like that, it feels like being stuck in a box.
Anyways, sorry I have to vent my feelings sometimes, if I don't I go crazy, lol. But yeah thats just my rant for the week.
Yesterday was a good day but a bad one too. Today was good but it wasn't very exciting I've felt like crap all day. Yesterday we had to travel all the way to Abilene, but luckily we got to spend a luxurious ride on a charter bus, and we watched Remember the Titans on the way there. And we won our game 1-0, that was the good part of the day.
The bad part was that my history teacher made me cry, in front of the whole class, I was so embarassed and sad. Yeah I normally do all of my work and make really good grades well this week in his class has just sucked, cause I feel really stupid to try and ask him anything cause he just shuts me down. Well yeah my mind this week has been out in space, and I've had a billion different thoughts running rapantly through my head (and its only wednesday), and especially the thing with my mom. And well he gave us these 5 questions on friday and well they weren't questions it just said to answer in detail, and then he gave us 10 questions monday, and were really hard questions (hardest ones the whole tri), and my mind has just been one big blur, and I really did try, repeated, to do it and I would read it and read it and it was like my mind wasn't comprehending what it was doing. and then after awhile without even realizing it I would just be staring at my book, and when I realized it I would get really pissed off. Having my mind off in never neverland and really trying to do my work and not being able to concentrate really frustrates me and I get upset (if ya don't believe me ask Miranda shes seen me like this but with geometry), and then having that attention brought up to the whole class. See I've just tried to appear lazy, which I hate, but seriously when I get frustrated and I just can't figure out answers I get really really upset, and it makes me feel dumb. So yeah he drew the attention to other people in the class that had written 3 words for their answer and compared them to a kid's (who normally doesn't do anything) paper who answered in detail. Then he was like and lets see or you could just not do any of it or just answer one question like Erin did. And that really pissed me off, and yeah I wanted to just tell him off so bad but I couldn't tell him the real reason cause he is just cold-hearted, but I started to say something and then yeah he kept saying things that I was lazy, blah, blah, blah. It really upset me cause he just doesn't understand and the other people in my class know that and told him so and he was just like whatever and shut her down. But yeah needless to say I started crying and didn't stop till the class was almost over it was like 15 minutes or so.
Well then we were leaving at 1:00 and I have B lunch so I get out at 12:48, well I was still upset and went to find Miranda (shes in A lunch then is in class when I have lunch) to get some lunch money, and then she just held me and told me it would be ok, so I felt a little better. Well I still thought I had plenty of time, but then I realized I had like 5 minutes. So I ran in and got my soccer bag and left and went and but all my crap on the bus, then ran inside and got some food, then ran back to the bus, then figured I'd better go to the bathroom so I did and still had a little time left (hurrying for nothing really sucks). Well then I get really calm till we get to Abilene and I start to get dressed. I started freaking then everyone asked what was wrong. I had left my cleats, shin-gaurds, and my ankle-gaurds. Then several of the girls let me borrow their extra stuff, so then everything was ok again. But I had to ride home in the backseat of Bee's truck, well half the seat, and trust me for 3 hours like that, it feels like being stuck in a box.
Anyways, sorry I have to vent my feelings sometimes, if I don't I go crazy, lol. But yeah thats just my rant for the week.
Monday, February 10, 2003
**MY MOM**
Not many people know how much I care about my mom. I know she has made a lot of mistakes in her life, some of which I wish I could just slap her for sometimes. But the fact is I wouldn't be who I am today if she didn't do those things. And no matter what she does she is and will always be my one true hero. I admire her determination in life. It has always blown my mind to find out the things she has accomplished so far in her life. She was so completely different than me in high school. She was homecoming queen, prom queen, a cheerleader, one of the best players on basketball team at Brock (been practically the best team in state for like forever), she has alot of homemakers of america awards (which I'm still not sure what they all are),
I've seen pictures of alot of the famous places that shes been in the U.S. (and it always remind me of how much I love these places. I want to go to all the museums up in New York, the Grand Canyon, the petrified forest, wow there are just so many places and things I want to see in my life), she got married to my dad when she was 17 (he was 20) and its weird but I'm proud of them for staying together for 17 years (divorced when I was 4), but she didn't have kids like most people do right off, she waited until she finished college, she has a bachelor's in science, and is a certified (something like that) Medical Technologist, she has been working the same job since I was born (literally, 17 years on April 20th, and well a few months more cause it was actually a little before I was born), I don't really know for sure about this but for as long as I can remember she has been the Lab Director at Glen Rose, I know she had to work up to that, but like I said for as long as I can remember shes done that, well also she got remarried to John, she was with him for 7 1/2 years (and like I said I love people no matter how much they screw up, another person like that is John, and I still don't really know what exactly did) so well it shows shes a committed woman, and well she has been dating Bee (Brian Thomas) since the spring of my 8th grade year (so its been about 3 years now, they've been "engaged" for a few months now, I don't really approve of it but I'll talk about that later).
Well before she had Kyle (brother) sometime after she had Brian(brother) she had to have a blood transfusion, (and if I can remember right she told us about it when I was maybe in 7th grade) she got hepitaitis C from it and since then shes gotten a few check ups a the scarring and damage is very light (stage 1) which is very good, well they have treatment for it now, and I love my mom for this and respect and admire her for this so much, she just started the treatment on friday, its a type of chemo-therapy called intrafuron, and yes does have all or alot of the effects of chemo. She will try the treatment for 6 weeks, if it is working she will continue it for a year. This is a very big deal for our family, and well right now we know it will get harder as we go along. But my mom is so strong but yet so stubborn. There have been so many times I know she was hurting but she pretty much refuses to tell us, shes trying to protect us and try not to worry us. But I've always seen through her, I know everytime when something is bothering her either emotional or physical. I know I have to be there for her and I know I will probably have to force my help on her at some point, cause shes so stubborn, I know she'll refuse to ask for help, cause hell our whole family does that, but she knows she'll need it, its just hard to ask for it. (I'll talk more about our family later, this is mom time).
But yeah I'm extremely proud of my mother no matter what shes thinks, even though I don't say it much I really love her and I always will. Without her I would not be here on this earth, and I would not lead the life that I have, and I would not be the woman that I am and the woman that I aspire to be. She really is my hero she never gives up. Always strives to finish the race, aspires to be better, to make her children's lives better (even though we know its not alot but what things she does provide us lets us know that she cares), the stubborness to not change her ways for no one, but most of all shes my hero cause I look at her and know the fact that she is my mom and that she loves me.
Not many people know how much I care about my mom. I know she has made a lot of mistakes in her life, some of which I wish I could just slap her for sometimes. But the fact is I wouldn't be who I am today if she didn't do those things. And no matter what she does she is and will always be my one true hero. I admire her determination in life. It has always blown my mind to find out the things she has accomplished so far in her life. She was so completely different than me in high school. She was homecoming queen, prom queen, a cheerleader, one of the best players on basketball team at Brock (been practically the best team in state for like forever), she has alot of homemakers of america awards (which I'm still not sure what they all are),
I've seen pictures of alot of the famous places that shes been in the U.S. (and it always remind me of how much I love these places. I want to go to all the museums up in New York, the Grand Canyon, the petrified forest, wow there are just so many places and things I want to see in my life), she got married to my dad when she was 17 (he was 20) and its weird but I'm proud of them for staying together for 17 years (divorced when I was 4), but she didn't have kids like most people do right off, she waited until she finished college, she has a bachelor's in science, and is a certified (something like that) Medical Technologist, she has been working the same job since I was born (literally, 17 years on April 20th, and well a few months more cause it was actually a little before I was born), I don't really know for sure about this but for as long as I can remember she has been the Lab Director at Glen Rose, I know she had to work up to that, but like I said for as long as I can remember shes done that, well also she got remarried to John, she was with him for 7 1/2 years (and like I said I love people no matter how much they screw up, another person like that is John, and I still don't really know what exactly did) so well it shows shes a committed woman, and well she has been dating Bee (Brian Thomas) since the spring of my 8th grade year (so its been about 3 years now, they've been "engaged" for a few months now, I don't really approve of it but I'll talk about that later).
Well before she had Kyle (brother) sometime after she had Brian(brother) she had to have a blood transfusion, (and if I can remember right she told us about it when I was maybe in 7th grade) she got hepitaitis C from it and since then shes gotten a few check ups a the scarring and damage is very light (stage 1) which is very good, well they have treatment for it now, and I love my mom for this and respect and admire her for this so much, she just started the treatment on friday, its a type of chemo-therapy called intrafuron, and yes does have all or alot of the effects of chemo. She will try the treatment for 6 weeks, if it is working she will continue it for a year. This is a very big deal for our family, and well right now we know it will get harder as we go along. But my mom is so strong but yet so stubborn. There have been so many times I know she was hurting but she pretty much refuses to tell us, shes trying to protect us and try not to worry us. But I've always seen through her, I know everytime when something is bothering her either emotional or physical. I know I have to be there for her and I know I will probably have to force my help on her at some point, cause shes so stubborn, I know she'll refuse to ask for help, cause hell our whole family does that, but she knows she'll need it, its just hard to ask for it. (I'll talk more about our family later, this is mom time).
But yeah I'm extremely proud of my mother no matter what shes thinks, even though I don't say it much I really love her and I always will. Without her I would not be here on this earth, and I would not lead the life that I have, and I would not be the woman that I am and the woman that I aspire to be. She really is my hero she never gives up. Always strives to finish the race, aspires to be better, to make her children's lives better (even though we know its not alot but what things she does provide us lets us know that she cares), the stubborness to not change her ways for no one, but most of all shes my hero cause I look at her and know the fact that she is my mom and that she loves me.
Sunday, February 09, 2003
*My Heart*
Everyday when I walk out of my room to go discover what the day will bring me, I read a Quote on my wall, it is "Listen to your heart" and just above it I have "Reach for the Stars." These are probably my words of wisdom for everyday life. At this point in my life I really am quietly listening to my heart. Well kind of but not. I know what I feel and want out of life, and I listen to my heart always but I don't always follow my heart, and sometimes I think its for the best I don't always follow it. But for the serious matters I have followed it. I always think about the future and what may come of my life.
Well I made some decisions that helped me make a path for my life. First I made the decision to transfer schools so that I could play high school soccer, this was a really hard decision because I had been going to school in Glen Rose for 10 years, it was my whole world, and many people worry about getting out of their home towns. Lol guess I've already succeeded at that!! I am extremely glad I followed my heart, although I knew the transition would be difficult I thought of the benefits. One that came true was that I made varsity, and I actually earned my position, but well I did earn my position in GR in softball but all we had was a varsity, but I was a starting player so yeah I earned it. Anyways, yeah the only thing I thought about Granbury was soccer, I never really thought about anything else.
But I had another benefit. I've been dating Miranda for almost 5 months now. Which is the longest relationship I think I've ever had. Lol this relationship has been alot of firsts for me!! Lol, well the longest yeah, she was my first kiss ever, and the first same-sex relationship I've ever had. See in Granbury I'm not scared of anyone knowing that I am bisexual. But I just have this fear I guess you could say of even one person knowing in GR, cause if one person knows then the whole town knows, I don't really care if they know but I can't really explain it. I guess its being afraid of them being disappointed. I also don't care if my parents know cause I know they really will accept me for who I am, but still I think it would be awkward. But enough about that.
~~~~~~Quotes~~~~~~
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
"Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique." --Annie Gottlieb
"As long as the differences and diversities of mankind exist, democracy must allow for compromise, for accommodation, and for the recognition of differences." --Eugene McCarthy
"Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized. --Albert Einstein
Everyday when I walk out of my room to go discover what the day will bring me, I read a Quote on my wall, it is "Listen to your heart" and just above it I have "Reach for the Stars." These are probably my words of wisdom for everyday life. At this point in my life I really am quietly listening to my heart. Well kind of but not. I know what I feel and want out of life, and I listen to my heart always but I don't always follow my heart, and sometimes I think its for the best I don't always follow it. But for the serious matters I have followed it. I always think about the future and what may come of my life.
Well I made some decisions that helped me make a path for my life. First I made the decision to transfer schools so that I could play high school soccer, this was a really hard decision because I had been going to school in Glen Rose for 10 years, it was my whole world, and many people worry about getting out of their home towns. Lol guess I've already succeeded at that!! I am extremely glad I followed my heart, although I knew the transition would be difficult I thought of the benefits. One that came true was that I made varsity, and I actually earned my position, but well I did earn my position in GR in softball but all we had was a varsity, but I was a starting player so yeah I earned it. Anyways, yeah the only thing I thought about Granbury was soccer, I never really thought about anything else.
But I had another benefit. I've been dating Miranda for almost 5 months now. Which is the longest relationship I think I've ever had. Lol this relationship has been alot of firsts for me!! Lol, well the longest yeah, she was my first kiss ever, and the first same-sex relationship I've ever had. See in Granbury I'm not scared of anyone knowing that I am bisexual. But I just have this fear I guess you could say of even one person knowing in GR, cause if one person knows then the whole town knows, I don't really care if they know but I can't really explain it. I guess its being afraid of them being disappointed. I also don't care if my parents know cause I know they really will accept me for who I am, but still I think it would be awkward. But enough about that.
~~~~~~Quotes~~~~~~
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
"Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique." --Annie Gottlieb
"As long as the differences and diversities of mankind exist, democracy must allow for compromise, for accommodation, and for the recognition of differences." --Eugene McCarthy
"Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized. --Albert Einstein
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