Why is Life so Confusing!!!!!!!!

I swear for the last few weeks, I've felt really content with my life and happy with it. But then I keep having these self-detructive moments. Its mainly with me and Miranda. But you see when I have these moments its always cause I begin to want the unattainable and those things have always seemed unattainable. But really I think these things bother me cause when these moments were occurring they were just within my grasp, and just as they were about to happen, it was as if a gust of wind blew a piece of grass, just as quick as you can snap your fingers, they never happened. And I guess those things have just been brought up recently. Yeah I know you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about.

Well for the most part its about my friend Rebecca, its weird, I know I will probably never have her and she'll probably never know how I feel or have felt. I've just been talking to her a lot and reading her blogger and catching up on her life (when I think about it, I don't think she really catches up on me, so that also shows me she doesn't have feelings for me, I thought she did at one time but guess not shes never said anything about that time period). Well another thing is, my friend Megan, who yeah is pretty much my bestfriend in GR, well last week she told me that she honestly has had feeling for me the whole time (since we started hanging out this past summer) and she still does, and she asked me if I still had feelings for her. And well I don't really, but there was still that sense of wonder, I wondered what would have happened if we had gotten together. So yeah I've been thinking about that alot.

I don't know, I've just been thinking about those times, and then nearly most of the time now, I wonder what if? And there are like a million things I could put with that. I don't know if this makes sense or not. But I do know I can't bring this up with Miranda, cause she'll get extremely pissed and jealous too.

Well see when I analyze what is going on in my head. I've determined that there are alot of things that I would like out of the person I'm dating and with Miranda I haven't been able to get some of those things. I have expectations, which I shouldn't cause that means I'm kinda comparing her to other people's qualities. But yeah I really love Miranda, but I still have my aspirations. Like for instance I know in my mind that nothing will ever come of Becca and me (pessimistic right?), but her and Miranda are so different, they each have qualities the other doesn't. And I have a person with half of those qualities or well she hasn't found the rest yet, lol, so I tend to find myself thinking about Becca or different people, not necessarily in more than a friend way, just things I like about people I notice.

Ahh... geez, I'm just confused right now. I'm happy where I'm at on the path that I'm on, just wondering how things could be different if I had chosen a different path some time ago. I think about that alot, I wonder how different things would be if even one milli-second changed. Lives could be changed forever. I can only imagine.