!!!!~MIRANDA~!!!!

My head hurts alot, I feel like I'm about to go crazy. I just spent the last 44 minutes talking to Miranda. It really breaks my heart to see her or hear that she is hurting. But I can't help how I feel. She told me that the letter I wrote her, she thought I meant I just needed a break. And she keeps saying she just doesn't understand how my feelings can just suddenly change. And I told her that I honestly don't know that either, but my feelings are my feelings and I can't control how I feel. I can only choose how to act on those feelings. And my feelings didn't just suddenly change, I hadn't felt the same about her for awhile for more than a month, and I tried to make things work I really did but they just didn't.

Ok this is what I told my friend Erika earlier: "umm... let me see how to explain this, well I love her but I don't. See in my heart I knew it wasn't going to last and that my love for her would change and it did, but she was falling even more in love with me everyday, and I just couldn't keep going on with our relationship cause I knew the more it went on the more it would break her heart, and if I kept going with it then I would have been leading her on and thats not fair to her."

I told Miranda that and she still didn't really understand. I just couldn't live a lie. I knew from when I first started dating her that I should be cautious about loving her, cause I knew if I lied then it would break her heart. But finally I gave in and I gave love a chance, funny thing is I only told her I loved her since a little after New Years. And I really thought I meant it, but I'm beginning to think that I was lying but my mind was blinding me from the truth. And that really pisses me off, cause I'm in this situation. She keeps scaring the shit out of me, cause I keep thinking shes going to do something stupid. Cause she keeps saying she doesn't know how shes going to live with out me. But I made her promise she wouldn't do anything stupid.

Well you see we almost broke up twice during this 5 month period. And I ended up getting back together with her, I thought cause I really cared about her. But I realized earlier hell maybe it was because I was on a major guilt trip. Cause I feel so guilty right now, I keep thinking I want to make her happy, and the only way to do that is to get back with her. But then I remind myself that I can't do that, cause it would be a lie, not to mention it would make me miserable. Arghh.. this is driving me crazy.

I have to stand my ground, I'm trying to keep her positive though, the best I can. I think since she thought I just needed a break, and is just now realizing I was really breaking up with her, that it is just now really sinking in. For real this time. So hopefully it will get better.