"I’m finding that holding on is harder than never leaving."

I've had a lot on my mind lately. My last blog I just simply wrote and stated the facts that were pouring out of my mind, my fears I suppose. I used to write so much, the words would roll right off my tongue, down through my fingertips onto the keyboard. I would have pages and pages filled. The windows to my soul have always been covered by curtains, I know I am not an easy read. The stories of my life are easy to tell, I could ramble on for hours. I can visualize a colorful smoky ribbon of words traveling from my mouth to your ear. Knowing your listening, I can feel it sink in and absorb into your body and mind. Your eyes scream to me and I can hear the words without reading them off the page. I can see through you, your insecurities and your passions. I see you for who you are, you're true beauty. It'll take time to knock down those walls so you can see for yourself. Brick by brick, layer by layer. It will simply take time. Hoping you'll help knock down mine at the same time.

I have so many things in my life where my concentration should be focused on. Multi-tasking is possible. I feel like a pioneer of sorts. More often than not, its nothing new to anyone. But I am constantly discovering new things or hearing them reverberate in different ways, for a new understanding. Life happens, you can be a part of it or you can run from it. You can not control anything. Simply put I can not help but feel. The ongoing mental debate that I've been having, I do not need to even remotely think of dating, to find the one, to find someone, anyone. Its never going to be that simple. My complicated heart knows what it wants and needs. I don't need a relationship right now, but I always long for one. Not some burning desire, that yes this, this right I here, I must have it right now. Not like that. The interpersonal connection with another human being. The closeness, the person that makes you go weak at the knees, the trust to hold another's heart in your hands to keep it well guarded, safe and warm the way it should be nurtured.

I have always been the very hopeless romantic that falls for the unattainable. Perhaps its because I make connections with people that they themselves can't see. I just realize that we'd be perfect for each other, I'd be lucky for someone else to see the same thing. Yeah I'll admit in the past I'd done a lot of wishful thinking and got burned because of it. Friends give me a hard time every once and awhile and say I have girls chasing after me. I'm oblivious I suppose, but I suppose its because my gaze it always on someone else. There are some things I try to refrain from saying, for fear of sounding cocky. But I do know that I can make girls fall for me. And that's just from what I've gathered. I am a sweet person, and people trust me very very easily. And that scares the shit out of me. I never want to betray anyone. Is it worse to betray someone or to betray your own feelings? I tend to hurt people. I try to be upfront with girls as much as possible, to make it clear that I'm not looking for anything, so they shouldn't expect anything from me. Is it me trying to be polite to soften the blow to their heart. Cause oh man do I know how it feels to have a taken a knife through the heart. It seems inevitable that I'm going to still hurt people. This feeling I have right now, this aching burning sensation in my stomach, in my heart. I've hurt some amazing people and I'll continue to do so, and lose some amazing friends because of who I am. A few of my friends have had on their profiles at some point, I'm not sure if its jokingly or not. But as something about themselves or what not, it'll saying something along the lines of occupation: breaking hearts and taking names. Apply it to me. I'm sorry, but I'm done apologizing. Life happens.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Who I am, who I want to be and where I am now.

How can something feel so right but be so wrong? Possibilities are endless, take time….. to realize. Don't let the moment pass you by. Life is never easy, who ever said it was easy was one naïve bastard. Find what makes you happy in life and keep it, do what you can to never lose it. Be happy, radiate happiness, it shows. Oh my does it show. Your eyes say it all. Its ok to be scared, I'm right there with you. I get so wrapped up in my own head that I've forgot to look around me. The last several months I've found a lot of clarity. I've had a lot of teachers, and a few students, haha seems I can never escape being Yoda. I'm learning every damn day. Is it truly possible to find your equal in life, to find the light in your darkness. I felt the spark, did you?

Find the pleasure of the simplicities in life. Like my cat who gets a kick out of playing on my beanbag. Or dancing with your dog in the kitchen of an empty house while listening to some amazing music. Watching my dog roam through the yard nudging every piece of grass and being fascinated every time a grasshopper would fly out.

I moved home the week after pride, I miss my friend and her family. But I forgot how much I missed my friends here. Really the friends I spend most of my time with I never hung out with before. Happiness in new friends and happiness in rekindling the friendships that had gone astray. I've been home for 2 weeks, and I've had the most fun I've had in years. So thank ya'll for that. And thank you to everyone who has helped me in any sort of way. Its greatly appreciated, I try to express that, but sometimes I forget to.

"If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize"


"Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go"


Take time......


Currently listening :
Coco
By Colbie Caillat
Release date: By 17 July, 2007


COMMENTS:

CHAR: wow erin...you seem to let your heart write for you.....that is a great blog, it says so much in such little context.... you should def. write more often....
All i see is your face.......

KAYLA: Erin...have I ever told you how much I like ready the things you write? Hope things are going good for you. Miss ya!!

Modern persuasions


I've come to a lot of realizations the last week or so.

-I've found its true that you truely don't know what you had until its gone. Or atleast thats the way it seems. Why did it take me moving to have friends want to hang out and for people to be interested in me.

-I have no control over my life or anything in it. I have myself and that is about it. I could be homeless at any second, I'm already broke and in debt so thats the next one in line to happen.

-I am not a part of any true family. I feel like a unattached limb thats just there. Even with my blood family. More so along the lines of with Mom. She can help me, she made promises to help me, but she won't keep those promises. Theres issues there and most likely they'll never go away.

-I'm $6,000-$7,000 in debt and counting. I know I won't truely get back on my feet for atleast another 2 years and its a joke to think I can do it right now. And its naive to think differently

-I am a dull human being. I never understand why some people seem to be fascinated with me. Perhaps its a front I still put up, I really don't know. I can see myself being so much more, but there are so many things required for me to get there. I do the same thing pretty much every day, there is nothing new to tell. I like to go out, but when your the only one that can't dance, others get bored despite how polite they try to be.

-I am still a very shy person when it comes to someone I like. I don't know how to act, so I end up making things awkward. And most stop talking to me.

-My depression isn't coming back. But the realities are starting to beat me down. I don't have very many positive influences in my life. And I've been finding it very hard to find something that motivates me.

-Plain and simple, I don't know what I want to do in my life. And its pointless trying to get directions to your destination when you have no clue what the actual location is. I want to travel, how fucking vague can that be.

-More and more I've been getting into photography, but what the hell do I do with that.

-I almost joined the military a few months ago cause I had no other options. Then I met a great family who gave me a great opportunity. I feel I've overstayed my welcome there and my timing is running short. What the hell do I do when that time runs out.

-I have a great job, but no financial backing to get all my training done and such that I need. I'm trying to get a part-time job, but I know whatever it is i'm going to be miserable doing it. And I dread it very much. Theres nothing that get you more down than a dead-end job. But yeah I know you have to do what you need to do to get by.

-I love being in Houston, I really do. But its becoming more apparent that I'm going to have to move back home, literally home, as in back with my mom. Just the idea of it, makes me nauseous and feel my heart in my throat. I've been out of this house for over 3 years now, I'd feel like such a pathetic loser coming back here. So many people get lost here and never make their way back into the real world. That terrifies me.

-With the idea of coming home, alot of other things have resurfaced. I'll be back in the middle of a mine-field, waiting for drama to blow-up in my face. Life in a war-zone, for what? I've been there and done that, and I have no desire to go through it again. Unfortunately very few understand that, and have chosen to see the overall picture of my life to understand me.

-I can't decide if the positive things will overweigh the negatives. If I come back, I could pursue certain things and certain people. When really I shouldn't even bother or think of dating. I have a few friends and i'm trying to make more, but some I meet have connections to the past, the past that I'm trying to let go of. Even then if I am here, the past will definitely be resurfacing in oh 3 months from now when she gets home for good. I shouldn't go there either.

-I am very unsure of myself and my life at this point in time. Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone by my side that can be there for me. Someone who likes me for me despite the insecurities that I have.

I have alot of things going through my head, but very rarely have an outlet for it. So please if you have any input, please comment or email me.


COMMENTS:

MATTHIEU: hey you, i read this and can't help but feel that....im in the same boat as you lol. more or less. and i have to say. its a bad situation to be in. I have an idea, we should get drunk, and then make fun of ourselves. anyhow, if your comming back to GR you should pick me up from my house so I can get more beer, im way to drunk to drive right now, ive become quite a bit of an alchy these days, but hey, at least i have something to inspire my writting, right?

CHAR: hey you...so i thought i would read some of your blogs.....things will get better i promise....we all are still young and you will figure things out and everything will fall into place......and hey on the photography thing....do it....you seem to be really good at taking pic......i look at some on your page and they are really differnt, and beautiful.....and hey the postive things will def. overweight the negative things....just now that there will always be negative things around but you can find away around them....ok well enough of that.....you have a good day and im looking foward to this weekend....

take time to realize..........please.....

char