Modern persuasions


I've come to a lot of realizations the last week or so.

-I've found its true that you truely don't know what you had until its gone. Or atleast thats the way it seems. Why did it take me moving to have friends want to hang out and for people to be interested in me.

-I have no control over my life or anything in it. I have myself and that is about it. I could be homeless at any second, I'm already broke and in debt so thats the next one in line to happen.

-I am not a part of any true family. I feel like a unattached limb thats just there. Even with my blood family. More so along the lines of with Mom. She can help me, she made promises to help me, but she won't keep those promises. Theres issues there and most likely they'll never go away.

-I'm $6,000-$7,000 in debt and counting. I know I won't truely get back on my feet for atleast another 2 years and its a joke to think I can do it right now. And its naive to think differently

-I am a dull human being. I never understand why some people seem to be fascinated with me. Perhaps its a front I still put up, I really don't know. I can see myself being so much more, but there are so many things required for me to get there. I do the same thing pretty much every day, there is nothing new to tell. I like to go out, but when your the only one that can't dance, others get bored despite how polite they try to be.

-I am still a very shy person when it comes to someone I like. I don't know how to act, so I end up making things awkward. And most stop talking to me.

-My depression isn't coming back. But the realities are starting to beat me down. I don't have very many positive influences in my life. And I've been finding it very hard to find something that motivates me.

-Plain and simple, I don't know what I want to do in my life. And its pointless trying to get directions to your destination when you have no clue what the actual location is. I want to travel, how fucking vague can that be.

-More and more I've been getting into photography, but what the hell do I do with that.

-I almost joined the military a few months ago cause I had no other options. Then I met a great family who gave me a great opportunity. I feel I've overstayed my welcome there and my timing is running short. What the hell do I do when that time runs out.

-I have a great job, but no financial backing to get all my training done and such that I need. I'm trying to get a part-time job, but I know whatever it is i'm going to be miserable doing it. And I dread it very much. Theres nothing that get you more down than a dead-end job. But yeah I know you have to do what you need to do to get by.

-I love being in Houston, I really do. But its becoming more apparent that I'm going to have to move back home, literally home, as in back with my mom. Just the idea of it, makes me nauseous and feel my heart in my throat. I've been out of this house for over 3 years now, I'd feel like such a pathetic loser coming back here. So many people get lost here and never make their way back into the real world. That terrifies me.

-With the idea of coming home, alot of other things have resurfaced. I'll be back in the middle of a mine-field, waiting for drama to blow-up in my face. Life in a war-zone, for what? I've been there and done that, and I have no desire to go through it again. Unfortunately very few understand that, and have chosen to see the overall picture of my life to understand me.

-I can't decide if the positive things will overweigh the negatives. If I come back, I could pursue certain things and certain people. When really I shouldn't even bother or think of dating. I have a few friends and i'm trying to make more, but some I meet have connections to the past, the past that I'm trying to let go of. Even then if I am here, the past will definitely be resurfacing in oh 3 months from now when she gets home for good. I shouldn't go there either.

-I am very unsure of myself and my life at this point in time. Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone by my side that can be there for me. Someone who likes me for me despite the insecurities that I have.

I have alot of things going through my head, but very rarely have an outlet for it. So please if you have any input, please comment or email me.


COMMENTS:

MATTHIEU: hey you, i read this and can't help but feel that....im in the same boat as you lol. more or less. and i have to say. its a bad situation to be in. I have an idea, we should get drunk, and then make fun of ourselves. anyhow, if your comming back to GR you should pick me up from my house so I can get more beer, im way to drunk to drive right now, ive become quite a bit of an alchy these days, but hey, at least i have something to inspire my writting, right?

CHAR: hey you...so i thought i would read some of your blogs.....things will get better i promise....we all are still young and you will figure things out and everything will fall into place......and hey on the photography thing....do it....you seem to be really good at taking pic......i look at some on your page and they are really differnt, and beautiful.....and hey the postive things will def. overweight the negative things....just now that there will always be negative things around but you can find away around them....ok well enough of that.....you have a good day and im looking foward to this weekend....

take time to realize..........please.....

char