"I’m finding that holding on is harder than never leaving."

I've had a lot on my mind lately. My last blog I just simply wrote and stated the facts that were pouring out of my mind, my fears I suppose. I used to write so much, the words would roll right off my tongue, down through my fingertips onto the keyboard. I would have pages and pages filled. The windows to my soul have always been covered by curtains, I know I am not an easy read. The stories of my life are easy to tell, I could ramble on for hours. I can visualize a colorful smoky ribbon of words traveling from my mouth to your ear. Knowing your listening, I can feel it sink in and absorb into your body and mind. Your eyes scream to me and I can hear the words without reading them off the page. I can see through you, your insecurities and your passions. I see you for who you are, you're true beauty. It'll take time to knock down those walls so you can see for yourself. Brick by brick, layer by layer. It will simply take time. Hoping you'll help knock down mine at the same time.

I have so many things in my life where my concentration should be focused on. Multi-tasking is possible. I feel like a pioneer of sorts. More often than not, its nothing new to anyone. But I am constantly discovering new things or hearing them reverberate in different ways, for a new understanding. Life happens, you can be a part of it or you can run from it. You can not control anything. Simply put I can not help but feel. The ongoing mental debate that I've been having, I do not need to even remotely think of dating, to find the one, to find someone, anyone. Its never going to be that simple. My complicated heart knows what it wants and needs. I don't need a relationship right now, but I always long for one. Not some burning desire, that yes this, this right I here, I must have it right now. Not like that. The interpersonal connection with another human being. The closeness, the person that makes you go weak at the knees, the trust to hold another's heart in your hands to keep it well guarded, safe and warm the way it should be nurtured.

I have always been the very hopeless romantic that falls for the unattainable. Perhaps its because I make connections with people that they themselves can't see. I just realize that we'd be perfect for each other, I'd be lucky for someone else to see the same thing. Yeah I'll admit in the past I'd done a lot of wishful thinking and got burned because of it. Friends give me a hard time every once and awhile and say I have girls chasing after me. I'm oblivious I suppose, but I suppose its because my gaze it always on someone else. There are some things I try to refrain from saying, for fear of sounding cocky. But I do know that I can make girls fall for me. And that's just from what I've gathered. I am a sweet person, and people trust me very very easily. And that scares the shit out of me. I never want to betray anyone. Is it worse to betray someone or to betray your own feelings? I tend to hurt people. I try to be upfront with girls as much as possible, to make it clear that I'm not looking for anything, so they shouldn't expect anything from me. Is it me trying to be polite to soften the blow to their heart. Cause oh man do I know how it feels to have a taken a knife through the heart. It seems inevitable that I'm going to still hurt people. This feeling I have right now, this aching burning sensation in my stomach, in my heart. I've hurt some amazing people and I'll continue to do so, and lose some amazing friends because of who I am. A few of my friends have had on their profiles at some point, I'm not sure if its jokingly or not. But as something about themselves or what not, it'll saying something along the lines of occupation: breaking hearts and taking names. Apply it to me. I'm sorry, but I'm done apologizing. Life happens.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Who I am, who I want to be and where I am now.

How can something feel so right but be so wrong? Possibilities are endless, take time….. to realize. Don't let the moment pass you by. Life is never easy, who ever said it was easy was one naïve bastard. Find what makes you happy in life and keep it, do what you can to never lose it. Be happy, radiate happiness, it shows. Oh my does it show. Your eyes say it all. Its ok to be scared, I'm right there with you. I get so wrapped up in my own head that I've forgot to look around me. The last several months I've found a lot of clarity. I've had a lot of teachers, and a few students, haha seems I can never escape being Yoda. I'm learning every damn day. Is it truly possible to find your equal in life, to find the light in your darkness. I felt the spark, did you?

Find the pleasure of the simplicities in life. Like my cat who gets a kick out of playing on my beanbag. Or dancing with your dog in the kitchen of an empty house while listening to some amazing music. Watching my dog roam through the yard nudging every piece of grass and being fascinated every time a grasshopper would fly out.

I moved home the week after pride, I miss my friend and her family. But I forgot how much I missed my friends here. Really the friends I spend most of my time with I never hung out with before. Happiness in new friends and happiness in rekindling the friendships that had gone astray. I've been home for 2 weeks, and I've had the most fun I've had in years. So thank ya'll for that. And thank you to everyone who has helped me in any sort of way. Its greatly appreciated, I try to express that, but sometimes I forget to.

"If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize"


"Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go"


Take time......


Currently listening :
Coco
By Colbie Caillat
Release date: By 17 July, 2007


COMMENTS:

CHAR: wow erin...you seem to let your heart write for you.....that is a great blog, it says so much in such little context.... you should def. write more often....
All i see is your face.......

KAYLA: Erin...have I ever told you how much I like ready the things you write? Hope things are going good for you. Miss ya!!