Posted Date: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 - 2:31 AM
Do you ever wonder why everything happens? The reasons for them and where they might take you along your path in life. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've heard everyone's point of view, I just nod my head. Cause everything I'm told, I hear over and over in my head. It's the truth. Yet I still stick to it, this same pace of life. You can do better Erin, make something of yourself, just leave, move on, you can do better. I hear it, I know it, I believe it too. Yet I still am here in the same place.
What am I to do? I have no money, no job, nothing really. How can I just pick up all the shattered pieces of my life? I've been trying to do it on my own, but its not working. It's a task I need to share, but no one sticks with it long enough with me. I just get a fuck this, I'm running away. I wish I could do that, just run away, not to be heard from, just to be able to hide in some distant crevice of the world. Don't you see I can't live this life on my own, I'm trying to spend it with you. Day by day I keep fucking things up more and more, oh god is that possible, it really seems like it.
Theres been so many countless times that I want to do something stupid, relapse, but this time just end it all. Does breaking your hand count as a relapse? Could you believe it, I finally gave in and started going to counseling on my own, on different medicines, but none of it is seeming to help. But even then when things are getting better something happens to destroy it all. Something or someone always fucks it up. Can I just destroy them instead of myself? No that's not likely either. I've been leading up to the final breaking point. Don't you see you're going to lose me. Completely all in all, lose me.
Do you think dreams play a key part to our conscious self? I think they truly do reflect reality, its all coming from real things. Don't you hear it, your subconscious screaming at you. WAKE UP!!!! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!! Yes I believe in cause and effect, ever wonder why you have some dreams, ever think that it might be caused from something I did or am thinking of. Some sort of telepathic stream flowing straight into your dreams. Can you ignore your subconscious, can you keep ignoring your heart? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN?
I think people are funny sometimes, they're so stupid, so naïve. They keep going on in life, trying to pretend they've done nothing, that everything is fine. When they're caught in a lie, do they really think their denials are going to be believed. Theres only so much you can do before it all comes back to you to bite you in the ass. Still its funny how they even then will keep denying everything, even when you know yourself that you've even seen proof of your assumptions.
And along the same lines, anyone who knows me, knows my motto in life (what my tattoo says). Lol which no one can ever remember. Respect Originality. Everyone is different, there lives different, they are unique. But what I can't understand is why some people can't respect that. You don't have to accept it or like it, but just leave them the fuck alone then. If you know how someone's life is, why do you have to come along and fuck with it. What happened to genuine honest and good people. Do you have no fucking respect for yourself that you have to go make someone else's life hell. I'm so tired of hearing one thing and then seeing another. And just because you aren't directly doing or saying something to me, doesn't mean that the things you are doing don't have a direct affect on me. Are you so disrespectful that you can't respect someone's home life and the life they share. Just leave me alone and can't you just let me be happy, why do you have to come and destroy what I'm trying to build. You know the situation so back the fuck off. Please. Can't you just do that for me. What happened to humanity in this world. Everyone's become such bigots.
When do you draw the line? When is enough finally enough? I wonder that a lot, mostly cause I wonder if some people ever grow up and truly live life. Yeah you're only young once, but every stage in life has its purpose, has new moments to be lived. But that doesn't mean you're going to stop enjoying life. Most of the time I hate who I am, cause I've never really gotten to be my age, and I hold that against myself. But I've accepted it, I just want to live life right now, be happy and actually become someone. I don't understand how some people believe that they don't deserve to be happy and that because of certain things they can't be successful. Everyone deserves a second chance in life, everyone deserves to be happy and to be loved. Just try it and see what will happen, I think you'll be surprised. Two wrongs don't make a right and nothing can justify your sins. But all you can do is try to make the best things after you've fucked it all up. Just cause you mess up, doesn't mean you can't try and make things better. But even though you put all the shattered pieces back together again, there's still going to be those fine lines there to remind you what happened. A life lesson.
Everyone knows I'm so very much over my head. Meh…. What more can I say, I don't deny that fact.
Commments:
Vee- I know what it feels like to never be able to just be a kid. My dad died when I was 7 and after that I was an adult. I have been going to college; then taking a break when things got to be to much, hell this is my 6th year in school and Im nowhere close to finishing. Ive build my live up to only have it distroyed again Ive felt sorry for myself to only get pissed off for feeling sorry for myself. Ive tryed to run. Gone to florida and almost joined the mariens. Truth is you cant run from yourself. People cant fuck you up, not if you dont let them. Its good to have friend and it makes life so much easier when your not trying to do everything yourself. Guess what Im trying to sayis you have friends. Me and jen will always be here for you. I honestly didnt know things where going that bad. I dont talk to you much but I do consider you a freind.. If I can do anything to help let me know, we have extra room if you need a place to crash. Sort shit out and get on your feet. Let me know. Take care >Veronica
Lacey- Hey! I don't really know whats going on in your life right now... but what I do know is that you're a beautiful person with an amazing head on your shoulders. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll get this straightened out, and if you need any help...... I'm here. Love ya
Sean- Although your blog seems to be addressed to a specific person, or a group of people, and although we haven't really spoken in quite a long time; I want you to know something:
I still love you, and I'm still here for you. No judgement, no need to change anything for me, just you the way that you are. Just as it's always been. Call me anytime.
Matthieu- Finally! Some one understands and seeks to demolish the manifestations of a misconceived reality. You are brilliant Yes your subconcious screams. That was well put. When i caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend i was devastated. Truly all my hard work became a puddle of mud. And i was left to hurt my self. Yet i survived, through sheer perseverence. In the end i saw that all i had was my family and friends. People still needed me, and i wanted to keep it together so i could protect them. Even though my heart had been crushed, i still had my dreams to become a better person. That is my advice to you, become a better person. Find your integrity and humility, seek out the truth and continue to put faith into the world even if the world does not see you. I soon learned to live with a code of honor, and all the horrible things that happened to me were merely lessons to understand what path of life i was to take. Now i see you with such a bright mind i regret not talking to you in the past. Yet as you said, things do happen for a reason. One thing that helped me to have an indomitable will and spirit was a qoute from a buddhist monk.
If you meet your father, kill your father
if you meet the buddha, kill the buddha
free from everything, you are bound by nothing
to live the life that has been given to you
Basically, the only way for you to learn and to live is by destroying the conceptions of the world and of the people around you. Pay no mind to what they think for only you can relate to your own thought. In the end, only you can understand what you are thinking. Thus every thought that is not in your mind is only hindering your progression to becoming what you want to be. Always question what you know and what you see. If you can kill the buddha, you will have learned to have faith in yourself to the point that no person or thing can bring you down. I believe you will become great one day, for you understand what it is to be real. Most people are so fake that life has become a dream to them. They have no honor, no values. So they make up and follow stupid religions and morals to dope their spirit. They think of stupid things to pass their time, and they destroy their body, yet they think they are feeling pleasure. All you need is discipline, and i know you will not become like these people. These manikins. Most importantly, listen to what you mind, body and spirit is saying. They will tell you everything you need to know. Take what you want with this advice. Either way, i felt obligated to say something, even if it doesn't help.
Sara- Go somewhere where you have time to think, clear the air. I love you and I wish I could be more a part of your life then I am. I wish I could be THERE for you. <3 call me..dont push me away
Esjay- i know this sounds corny, but what you wrote here really got to me... we have a lot in common--we should talk.-esjay
