The feeling of a dream awakening, of being caught up in a whirlwind of emotion.  Fearing the realizations of a past full of destruction and despair.  Viewing the full spectrum of mistakes like a topography map, every layer and feature displayed like the scars across our bodies.   Struggling  to find steady ground in this storm of bombarding memories, the chaos is consuming and treacherous.  The guilt and shame like a plague of epic proportions.  The shock so incredibly bright and cruel, a momentary blindness, yet a vision that cannot be unseen.   A ship is meant to sink, a fortress is meant to fall, our mind is meant to crumble.  The clarity of not hiding from the truth, to persevere through the excruciating pain is to welcome yourself to existence.   Reality is breath-taking but not always monotonous and smooth.  Find your center and calm your storm before it eats you alive.

A few years ago I gave you everything I had, every fucking beat of me. Every ounce of love and tenderness. Were you too numb to care, too afraid of love? I lost everything because of you, I lost myself, I found out there's really nothing left at the bottom of the barrel. I saw through your walls and the lies, I know your heart was in fact warm. Was that my downfall, loving you despite the fact that you continually tarnished the precious soul that I gave you. Was it a game to you, in which case you beat me in so many ways. I grew, I moved on. Please let me pretend to put on my tough act, though I may not love you anymore your memory haunts me, the scars you left are a literal daily reminder. To try to deny our existence would be pointless, and although you're forgiven for tearing this soul in two it doesn't mean it has healed. I'm still rebuilding, I'm still learning how to love and trust again. I'm thankful I finally realized my own worth and finally stood up for it. You're name has been brought up more in the last month than it has in the last 5 years, I wish I could say it was easy to hear, I wish I could say it wasn't difficult to pretend you weren't recently in the same room as me. There are so many brutal reminders of you. Most of all I wish somehow through it all that my big heart could stop caring about your wellbeing. You might have destroyed who I was, my life and my wellbeing but if I'm really being honest I can never bring myself to hate you. That in itself is something no one else will ever understand. And yes time to time I still write. I wish you well.

In the silence the storm rages on, continually brewing beneath the surface. Those silver linings will eventually crack into glorious embers of red and gold. My heart set ablaze. The deafening sound of my bewildered soul will echo into the dark of night. The heat singeing the deep crevices of my mind. The bolts of electricity ignite my life's blinders and leave my vision unobscured. The lesson excruciatingly clear.

I want to destroy all sense of self. I want to be something I've never been. I want to be someone I've never met before. I want to persevere beyond what I've struggled to let go of. I want to be that change that I wish to see in the world. I want to be someone you wouldn't recognize but never forget.

I don't know if it hurts more because I feel like I disappoint her or because I hurt her.

Why is it that your head can never seem to wrap itself around something that your heart is already inadvertently wrapped up in.

When your heart screams, LISTEN.

Is giving up the same as letting go? Stepping back into oblivion, disappearing off the map. I wish I felt that it would make a difference rather than being just another heart-wrenching experience.

All the signs of places we used to spend so much time at have fallen apart just like our friendship.

My heart breaks for you but I don't know how to show that I care. I don't know how to show you I care regardless of the situation.

Sometimes I don't know what to say and most times I know theres nothing to be said, but you're always on my mind. Theres only so many times someone can say they care without them sounding like empty words. But since hugs are far and few in between I hope you can feel my words like you would my hugs since its all I can give for now.

Though I'm not sure exactly what's upset you I hope you know how much you are loved and I hope that the pain will ease sooner than later. Please remember to cherish your own heart and remember that its persistent beating is just a start.

Here lately since I've been driving back and forth from Weatherford I've had a lot of time to think.  I tend to overanalyze but this is when I write best (or the most).  When I repetitively go over something so many times until it sounds right, until something makes sense, and often until my heart settles down.  I can't decide if its because the drive and extra stress about my job is making me more exhausted or if its because i've been working out again.  The more exhausted I am the deeper I sleep, hence the fact that I've been dreaming more.  This should be a good thing but it makes me restless.  The things I've apparently buried deep in my soul and my subconscious always seem to resurface in my dreams and I don't have any control over them.  My dreams collide.  The faces that I see and the feelings that I've disregarded for so long pull at the strings of my heart. I don't understand, its not fair it seems.  The heart chooses what it wants.  The mind tries to argue with it.  Between my reawakened dreams and my heart's long lost desires I feel like I've been torn in two again.  My heart and soul in this relentless battle is draining me but filling me with some sort of unrefined hope and hunger for life and love.

Coping is not a mechanism that I possess, I do not deal well.  I conceal everything and hope it will suffice.  These unconscious desires are destroying my walls brick by brick, layer by layer.  Reminding me that my heart is alive no matter how raw it might be.  What I've felt is real, what I've loved is real, what I've lost is real.  There is no need to pretend such life didn't exist, afterall it is a part of what I am composed of.  It is ok to feel something again even when there is no real explanation.  Sometimes I feel much more than I should, sometimes I feel much more than I ever meant to.

I asked a question the other day. Do you think its possible to fall for someone multiple times or do you think that would be considered never actually falling out of love to begin with? The response I got was: "Part of you still loves them but the things they do can make you fall back in love with them. Almost like finding what went missing along the way."  I'm still processing this and still debating it.



Different topic.  I am not necessarily proud of where I've been and some of the things I've done, but I am proud to know I have made it through so much personal struggle that it amazes me.  I am proud of myself.  We are surrounded by so much beauty but with danger intertwined how do we step into the light and keep the shadows at bay.  The thought came to mind not too long ago.  I recently just finished typing all my old poems onto my other blogger and have re-read some of my old posts on here and I can't believe how negative I am/was.  Ok I can believe it.  But I was in such a dark place for so long.  I don't know what brought me out of it, of what opened my eyes.  I see life.  Don't get me wrong I still have breakdowns, I still get my heart hurt, I still ache in places that I shouldn't perhaps.  But I no longer see it as the end of the world, I no longer feel the need to act out as my cry for help.  Things do get better, and the only way things will change is if I make the change myself.  Something I'm thankful that I learned 5 years ago is that first you have to want to change, no one can take that step for you or force you to do it.  Recover with pride, I have not relapsed in over 5 years.  Yes I am proud of myself, definitely.

Today is one of those days where I hurt and I'm not really sure why.  Its one of those days that I wish I could ease other's pain.  I wish we could lay it all down and bare our souls, to be open to what may come.  Wear our hearts on our sleeves and expose all of our secrets.  Let everything be as it is.  All of our gaping wounds bleeding on to the ground.  To be fragile.  To recognize our differences and our similarities.  To accept.

Its one of those days that I hope they know how beautiful they are, how much they are loved.

If you continuously set limitations you'll never know the possibilities.  Open your heart, open your mind and listen to both.

There it is again, that feeling. The one in the pit of my stomach. Watching the travel channel does nothing but make me feel like my blood is bubbling to the surface, to take my heart and soul out of the here and now. Its become less of a fantasy, a far off dream, a lofty ambition. This is what I want to do and I'm going to do it dammit. Its so easy for people to denounce your passions as if its yesterdays news. Its not just a tid-bit of information that I'm casually throwing into conversation, this is something I want to seriously sit down and talk to someone about. Someone to help me lay out a plan, someone who has a bit more of an idea of what I am planning on jumping into. But who? Most people just think I'm crazy, think I'm bullshitting, or they get upset about it. Just because I want to leave doesn't mean that I will be gone forever.

Let me specify...... again. All I have ever wanted to do in life is travel. For the first time in my life I have a real chance to do it. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, the opportunity is real, it is there. All I have to do is reach out and take it, as cliche as that sounds.

I went hiking through the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens the other day (as much as you can hike in the middle of a city). I came across a fallen tree, walking up the trunk of it it quite literally felt like a fork in the road at 7 feet in the air. A moment of realization. Between a rock and a hard place, the only option is up. Granted that may not make a whole lot of sense. This week has been one of the most eventful, life changing weeks of my life (though with not a whole lot of excitement). I have put myself in a hard situation, and in the past I would vent and bitch about it to whoever would listen or write till my fingers couldn't type anymore. But I did that for years and years, as you can probably tell if you look at my old blog entries (it amazes me that I've had this thing for almost a decade). I like to think my writing has changed, I like to think I have changed, I like to think my life has changed.   The only option here is to change and adapt.

Lets put this into perspective, I lost my job. Now I didn't just lose it, I didn't simply get laid off. I got fired. Fired over something stupid, something simple. I question myself here, I was never going to quit. I was taught never to give up. I was taught that essentially you reap what you sow. But when you've completely depleted the resources of your soul for supply and demand that doesn't even acknowledge your sacrifice, it should be time to call it quits right? Why force something that obviously isn't working? I would say that I subconsciously took actions in order to fired. Accidentally on purpose. I can't even begin to list the things I've done with that company that could have gotten me fired. Always pushing the envelope, daring to be me again. So much gets lost in the politics. I got lost in the politics.

So here I am, jobless. After taking the recommendations of several family members I applied for unemployment. Some how gives me that feeling of applying for welfare, I don't believe in having anything handed to you. It should be earned. But just like the dilemma I was previously in, I earned my vacation and my sick days but got shit for trying to use either of the two. I've been trying to go by a new way of thinking (partially because I was a previous semi-hoarder): use it or lose it, use it or leave it. At this point in my life I have learned to suck up my pride and do what needs to be done. The overall greatest story of my adventurous responsibility was voluntarily going to jail for 10 1/2 days (and contemplating another voluntary visit, for traffic warrants on both accounts). I have plenty of other prime examples that didn't quite turn out in my favor but I did what I needed to do. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, just don't exploit whats been given to you.

I've been presented the opportunity to work for my previous competitor, CVS. As much as the thought of staying in retail makes me want to vomit, it is a job, it pays a hell of alot less, and its farther of a drive. Will I be strong enough to call it quits when I've had enough, will I be strong enough to leave. What will be my back up plan? Let me just say that I'd much rather be sleeping with the enemy than working for the enemy.

So here's my so called plan for now. My bottom line is that I need to be saving money. Tax return season is only a few months away, maybe then there would be enough money to break our lease. I would love to pay $500 or some miniscule amount and live in Denton or some small/fun place would be nice, Brooke and I could both save money. But it also depends on where her jobs takes her. And it might be better for me to possibly convince a family member to let me stay with them for awhile. Ugh, can I just gag on that one. Being and adult and moving home to me is such a shot at my ego, and like always I'd rather live with my mom (but if I try to work here Austin will be out of the question). I'm very independent by nature and I hate feeling like I'm stepping back into that hole I once dug for myself, the one to hide in not fall into. So I guess step 1 is to put myself into a situation where I can start to save money.

Second step but sort of the first, once I get these warrants taken care of (the ones that just popped up from something from 4 years ago, gotta love the legal system) I need to apply to get my passport. Then from there figure out if I really want to get any vaccinations or not (which i've read can add up to alot). Then from there start collecting all my necessities for backpacking. Then essentially pick the when and where I want to start at, have to figure out how the whole visa thing works. I figure with backpacking if I was able to stay for awhile somewhere I could possibly get some sort of job to help out with the pocketbook. I figure most of everything I have I will sell, give away, or put into storage (but how could I get that storage paid for while I'm gone). And the last and most important step is WTF would I do with Draco and Orion??







I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!! Maybe not right away, I know it isn't an immediate process. But its just that, a process. But I know this is going to be a necessity in my life, its something I need/want to do. I want to see all the colors of the world, all the beautiful tapestries and layers that the earth has to offer. I want to wake up with a breath of fresh air (which might not always be fresh depending where your at), I want to wake up and know I have the freedom to go where I want. The freedom to discover. I want to wake up and not feel the weight of expectations on my shoulders. I want to simply just be. I figure it'll be a bumpy ride, possibly a dangerous one at times. But if you're too afraid of living then what is the point?


This is the turning point of my life and I'm determined to make the best of it.

Berangan-angan is an Indonesian word that means dream, fantasize, aim, have ideals. Word that was used on Anthony Bourdain's: No Reservations, episode about Indonesia. The way they used it was to daydream.

After so many times of testing the waters. After so many times daring to cross the line. When do you finally jump in before you get shoved over the edge? Had fate made the decision for me or had I already laid out the stepping stones to get to this point?

My heart burns, but not in the acid reflux kind of way.  That flame of passion that I had seemed to have lost has been rekindled.  This anxiousness is soaking into my deepest core.  I have been reminded that there is more to this life, that I once wanted more than the menial existence.  Its become apparent to me that retail is killing my soul a day at a time, it was something that I used to enjoy.  Helping people has always been a part of me but when politics come into play and tell me who I have to be, I lose my sense of being.  I am meant for more that this monotonous way of life. The day in and day out work routine, it doesn't leave any space for any other action other than to eat and sleep.  If we are numb to the world then what is the point of living.  I want to thrive in a world that is constantly pushing me down telling me that I cannot be who I am.  I must conform, I must not stand out, I must not stand up for myself and what I believe in.  I think not.  That is not what I want.  I want to stand on top of the world and feel at peace, I want to feel proud for making it to where I have dared to venture.  I want to breathe. 

Following your dreams and passions are always harder than expected but thats part of what makes it worth it in the end.  The dilemma I'm having is how do I go about making things happen.   First off I know I need to get my passport.  Everyday that I go to work I want to quit but I struggle with it because I don't want to throw away everything that I've worked so hard to obtain.  Just like I used to be a packrat (a.k.a hoarder), I had such an issue letting go of anything, it all had such sentimental value.  But then I learned after moving several times how hard it was to keep holding on to everything, physically it was exhausting.  But if it has sentimental value its just that, you don't have to actually hold on to the physical aspect of it.  So the second part I know would be easy to let go off all my furniture, etc.  Everything except the essentials, which right now primarly everything that has any real value to me is already in storage.  I am perfectly content to backpack through the world quite literally. 

I've always said that if I ever lose my job the most justifiable option I could choose would be to join the military.  It has always been in the back of my mind, it has always been an option in the back of my mind.  But its just that, its in the back of my mind, its not something that I necessarily desire to do.  It would be a respectable choice.  But right now my soul is willing to throw everything away to quite literally live by the seat of my pants.  I can't find any logical reason to stay.  So the next step would be to lay out a plan.  Plane ticket, when and where.  Then I run into the money issue.  If I left my job would I be able to withdraw everything from my 401K, would I be paid out all of my sick days (that I'm pressured into not taking), would I be paid out all of my vacation days.  That would get me started atleast.  But once I'm where I want to be, would I find jobs here and there to make enough to make it to the next leg of my trip?  I guess thats part of the journey is figuring it out as you go along. 

Trying to figure out the future while in the here and now makes me extremely antsy.  I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins.  I get excited and hopeful in whole different way than I've felt in a very long time.  I look forward to figuring this puzzle out.  I look forward to discovery.



links for later:

http://www.couchsurfing.org

http://www.budgetglobetrotting.com/

http://traveltips.usatoday.com/clothes-packing-tips-backpackers-international-travel-1505.html

http://www.startbackpacking.com/travel/backpacking-packing-list/

The last thing I expected to feel right now is a little bit of hope, a little bit of passion, a little bit of life itself. Such a breath of fresh air.

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." -Marcel Proust

Even after all these years one thing still sticks out in my mind...... I am in love with the idea of love. I still struggle with the definition of this. I know it doesn't mean I'm a hopeless romantic, I know there is a difference. Yet what is it?

You get your crushes, sure. You get your heart ripped out, sure. You fall head over heels for someone, sure. You have those who will continuously hold a piece of your heart, sure. You get those who simply love you for the flawed person that you are, sure. There will always be those who have slipped through your fingers, sure.

Is it simply all of the above or none of it.

I miss that feeling of longing, that craving of another, but I don't want to classify that longing under a incomplete definition, of something that I don't fully understand.

I think it will always be a mixture of things, but maybe someone will solidify it for me one day.

Somedays I realize how much I miss being a part of their world. But where the lines of love and love lost cross perhaps its better to stay at a distance no matter how strong the longing is.

Somehow after all this time I'm still blown away by how much she affects me.