Sunday, February 27, 2005
MYSPACE:
Subject: Whoa....
Posted Date: Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 8:46 PM
Lol So I've been gone all weekend, since thursday. And I've been having a blast. I went snowboarding in Angel Fire, New Mexico. It was my first time to board, I didn't take lessons or anything. And I did pretty damn good. I'm sore as hell though, but it was worth it. I was actually amused when i'd wipe out, its kind of fun. Lol well i'm just weird like that. I spent most of the time by myself, but i didn't mind. It gets old having people having to wait on you to catch up and stuff. Plus you don't feel as much of a dumbass when someone you don't know sees you fall. Lol so anyways, thats were i've been the last couple of days. It was a lot of fun, minus the family part. My brother Kyle can be an ass. For the first time in awhile, he threatened to hit me, like seriously he means it. Its freaky sometimes. But I make him more madder cause he knows he can't control me and that i'm not scared of him and will stand up to him. It pisses him off more than anything. So yeah after he pulled that stunt, I was pretty pissed, and having to share the back seat with him for like 14 hours, isn't fun. Well the drive just sucks in the first place. Ok so thats all for now. Talk to ya'll laters.
Subject: Whoa....
Posted Date: Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 8:46 PM
Lol So I've been gone all weekend, since thursday. And I've been having a blast. I went snowboarding in Angel Fire, New Mexico. It was my first time to board, I didn't take lessons or anything. And I did pretty damn good. I'm sore as hell though, but it was worth it. I was actually amused when i'd wipe out, its kind of fun. Lol well i'm just weird like that. I spent most of the time by myself, but i didn't mind. It gets old having people having to wait on you to catch up and stuff. Plus you don't feel as much of a dumbass when someone you don't know sees you fall. Lol so anyways, thats were i've been the last couple of days. It was a lot of fun, minus the family part. My brother Kyle can be an ass. For the first time in awhile, he threatened to hit me, like seriously he means it. Its freaky sometimes. But I make him more madder cause he knows he can't control me and that i'm not scared of him and will stand up to him. It pisses him off more than anything. So yeah after he pulled that stunt, I was pretty pissed, and having to share the back seat with him for like 14 hours, isn't fun. Well the drive just sucks in the first place. Ok so thats all for now. Talk to ya'll laters.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
~~Being EMO~~
So last week or so, I met this girl, her name is Katie. I thought she was cute. She found me, started talking on aim. Sweet girl, interesting too. Alot of common interests.
"I am in love with the idea of love. I try to create relationships after just a few days that would normally take months of friendship and cultivation. I attempt to force into existence my ideal of love and because of that I either lose the person who I was attracted to or I hook them and then gradually realize that they aren't who I made them out to be."
So last week or so, I met this girl, her name is Katie. I thought she was cute. She found me, started talking on aim. Sweet girl, interesting too. Alot of common interests.
"I am in love with the idea of love. I try to create relationships after just a few days that would normally take months of friendship and cultivation. I attempt to force into existence my ideal of love and because of that I either lose the person who I was attracted to or I hook them and then gradually realize that they aren't who I made them out to be."
Sunday, February 20, 2005
MYSPACE:
Subject: out
Posted Date: Sunday, February 20, 2005 - 1:26 AM
I went out tonight, I had a really good time. I went to Oaklawn, saw this girl from school and sat with her and her 2 friends at Cafe Brazil. Waited for Katie to show up. We just sat and chatted for awhile. Then Holly and her friends left, and Katie and I just sat and talked for 2 hours. I had a really good time with her. Not sure if it was considered a date or not. Shes a cutie though, and really sweet. I'm in a really good mood. Alrighty, going to bed now that its 3:30 (and I just got in lol). Have to work in a couple of hours. Laters.
Subject: out
Posted Date: Sunday, February 20, 2005 - 1:26 AM
I went out tonight, I had a really good time. I went to Oaklawn, saw this girl from school and sat with her and her 2 friends at Cafe Brazil. Waited for Katie to show up. We just sat and chatted for awhile. Then Holly and her friends left, and Katie and I just sat and talked for 2 hours. I had a really good time with her. Not sure if it was considered a date or not. Shes a cutie though, and really sweet. I'm in a really good mood. Alrighty, going to bed now that its 3:30 (and I just got in lol). Have to work in a couple of hours. Laters.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
MYSPACE:
Subject: howdy folks
Posted Date: Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 12:38 AM
Hope everyone is had a lovely valentines day. My day was pretty damn good. I had MIS and marketing today, had a test in one and i did great on it. And in the other we thought we had a presentation, or there was a chance we would have to do it today, so I was all dressed up. Got a few compliments. I had to go into work, cause they asked me to come in just for awhile, to volunteer. But we had a ton of hosts on, so I got to leave after an hour and 12 minutes, lol. I was excited, I went and rented the next 2 discs of Queer as Folk, that I've been waiting on for the past week to be turned in. So I was happy, and I've just been sitting on my ass in my dorm since. Jake came and gave me a rose, he said cause I've been there for him whenever he needed me. It was sweet. Oh and Terry, my friend across the hall gave me a little valentines card. It was sweet too, I appreciated it. Tim got back from work and told me a couple of lesbians came in to his work today, well they're his regulars, hes a bartender at a greek restaurant. And they asked him if he had any lesbian friends, and he told them yes. And he almost called me to tell me to come up there, and I so would have lol, cause I'm spontaneous like that. But anyways. I found it all really funny, and he said next time they come in, hes going to give them my number, and have them call me right in front of him. Lol Timmy cracks me up. Everyone says hes in love with me, but I'm gay, so it just doesn't work. Meh... go figure. But he made me smile, so it was cool. Oh and I was totally fucking with Miranda earlier tonight, I have another screen name on one of the messengers, and I kept writing them from both, even sent her a picture of some random girl. She couldn't make her mind up, if it was really me or someone else. It was funny, she didn't so much. Miranda and I have been talking alot more these days, like we used to. I'm glad we've gotten back on to that level of friendship that we used to have. So anyways, I've had a pretty good day overall. Simple and good, just how I like it, lol. But anyways, I think I'm going to go for a run, yes at almost 3 in the morning lol. Whats with me and the early ass runs. Lol but I guess I'm going to go for now. Laters
Subject: howdy folks
Posted Date: Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 12:38 AM
Hope everyone is had a lovely valentines day. My day was pretty damn good. I had MIS and marketing today, had a test in one and i did great on it. And in the other we thought we had a presentation, or there was a chance we would have to do it today, so I was all dressed up. Got a few compliments. I had to go into work, cause they asked me to come in just for awhile, to volunteer. But we had a ton of hosts on, so I got to leave after an hour and 12 minutes, lol. I was excited, I went and rented the next 2 discs of Queer as Folk, that I've been waiting on for the past week to be turned in. So I was happy, and I've just been sitting on my ass in my dorm since. Jake came and gave me a rose, he said cause I've been there for him whenever he needed me. It was sweet. Oh and Terry, my friend across the hall gave me a little valentines card. It was sweet too, I appreciated it. Tim got back from work and told me a couple of lesbians came in to his work today, well they're his regulars, hes a bartender at a greek restaurant. And they asked him if he had any lesbian friends, and he told them yes. And he almost called me to tell me to come up there, and I so would have lol, cause I'm spontaneous like that. But anyways. I found it all really funny, and he said next time they come in, hes going to give them my number, and have them call me right in front of him. Lol Timmy cracks me up. Everyone says hes in love with me, but I'm gay, so it just doesn't work. Meh... go figure. But he made me smile, so it was cool. Oh and I was totally fucking with Miranda earlier tonight, I have another screen name on one of the messengers, and I kept writing them from both, even sent her a picture of some random girl. She couldn't make her mind up, if it was really me or someone else. It was funny, she didn't so much. Miranda and I have been talking alot more these days, like we used to. I'm glad we've gotten back on to that level of friendship that we used to have. So anyways, I've had a pretty good day overall. Simple and good, just how I like it, lol. But anyways, I think I'm going to go for a run, yes at almost 3 in the morning lol. Whats with me and the early ass runs. Lol but I guess I'm going to go for now. Laters
Monday, February 14, 2005
MYSPACE:
Subject: Drowning
Posted Date: Monday, February 14, 2005 - 9:38 AM
So here lately I've been drowning myself in work, within 3 1/2 days I've worked 23 1/2 hours. And I still have 2 more days left of work. I'm tired from all of it, but I like it that way, it keeps me from thinking about things I guess. Nothing in particular. The only thing I can narrow it down to is that I am single once again on valentines day. In my entired life I've only been with someone once on valentine's day. The single life is for me I suppose. But rather than sitting around dwelling on things and making myself miserable, I keep myself busy, perhaps trying to distract myself from reality. Story of my life it seems. Anyways, I just wanted to write, I had just had that thought about all of this. But for now I have to get ready for a presentation that I might have for marketing today. Laters.
Comment from Miss Sarah C.
UHHHHHH
Current mood: annoyed
Ok so as i am sitting here reading BLOG entries that im sorry but i have to laugh at because they are so pathetic. People complaing about working 23 hours in 3 days. I work AT LEAST 12 hours everyday and i am lucky if i get to eat 2 meals a day. I cant do nothing but laugh because they make it seem like there life is so bad but has anyone ever stopped and thought about the people serving their country? And how much we work before you start complaining about how bad your life is. Maybe i might seem like a Bitch now that certain people seem to think that i am hidding things from them and when they keep asking about it they still dont believe me. It seems to me that some people are insecure and have trust issues. Well i dont know what else to say but i gotta get back to work for now.
Subject: Drowning
Posted Date: Monday, February 14, 2005 - 9:38 AM
So here lately I've been drowning myself in work, within 3 1/2 days I've worked 23 1/2 hours. And I still have 2 more days left of work. I'm tired from all of it, but I like it that way, it keeps me from thinking about things I guess. Nothing in particular. The only thing I can narrow it down to is that I am single once again on valentines day. In my entired life I've only been with someone once on valentine's day. The single life is for me I suppose. But rather than sitting around dwelling on things and making myself miserable, I keep myself busy, perhaps trying to distract myself from reality. Story of my life it seems. Anyways, I just wanted to write, I had just had that thought about all of this. But for now I have to get ready for a presentation that I might have for marketing today. Laters.
Comment from Miss Sarah C.
UHHHHHH
Current mood: annoyed
Ok so as i am sitting here reading BLOG entries that im sorry but i have to laugh at because they are so pathetic. People complaing about working 23 hours in 3 days. I work AT LEAST 12 hours everyday and i am lucky if i get to eat 2 meals a day. I cant do nothing but laugh because they make it seem like there life is so bad but has anyone ever stopped and thought about the people serving their country? And how much we work before you start complaining about how bad your life is. Maybe i might seem like a Bitch now that certain people seem to think that i am hidding things from them and when they keep asking about it they still dont believe me. It seems to me that some people are insecure and have trust issues. Well i dont know what else to say but i gotta get back to work for now.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Sunday, February 06, 2005
MYSPACE:
Subject: being emo
Posted Date: Sunday, February 06, 2005 - 1:01 PM
So I think for awhile I will be emo, most definately emo. The last few months things have not been as they have seemed. Things I trusted and belived in, suddenly dropped me off the edge of a cliff and didn't even care to see how far I fell. Just turned and walked away, and now hate me for caring and being curious of trying to figure out what happened to make everything go wrong. Is my love that destructive? Can caring and being a good person be a bad thing? I guess so, its happened twice in a row. Will there be a third? I hope not, that might kill me. I need someone to just be real with me, straight up honest. And I don't mean as in someone special, I need friends. So how about any of ya'll on my buddy list, want to hang out sometime? Or am I too much of a real person for that? Sorry if ya can't tell, things are shitty with me right now. Situations are shitty, but yet my heart is still whole and content cause I know that I didn't do anything wrong. Alright, well I have to go to work. Feel free to leave a comment, Laters. Oh yeah I almost forgot to tell ya'll, as of last tuesday, I'm single now. She broke up with me.
Subject: being emo
Posted Date: Sunday, February 06, 2005 - 1:01 PM
So I think for awhile I will be emo, most definately emo. The last few months things have not been as they have seemed. Things I trusted and belived in, suddenly dropped me off the edge of a cliff and didn't even care to see how far I fell. Just turned and walked away, and now hate me for caring and being curious of trying to figure out what happened to make everything go wrong. Is my love that destructive? Can caring and being a good person be a bad thing? I guess so, its happened twice in a row. Will there be a third? I hope not, that might kill me. I need someone to just be real with me, straight up honest. And I don't mean as in someone special, I need friends. So how about any of ya'll on my buddy list, want to hang out sometime? Or am I too much of a real person for that? Sorry if ya can't tell, things are shitty with me right now. Situations are shitty, but yet my heart is still whole and content cause I know that I didn't do anything wrong. Alright, well I have to go to work. Feel free to leave a comment, Laters. Oh yeah I almost forgot to tell ya'll, as of last tuesday, I'm single now. She broke up with me.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
So you want to know who I'm referring to, here you go.
1. Sara Welker: my ex. from Washington
2. Rebecca (Bopper)
3. Sarah Coleman: my most recent ex. thats in the Navy.
4. Krystal
5. Sara B: my friend from Joshua
Oh and if you'd like to know who anyone else is, comment and let me know. But no promises that I have pictures of everyone.
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Wednesday, February 02, 2005
~~Confessions of an Idiot~~
Ok so this will be my attempt at telling the seriously brutal truth. I am going to tell you the stupid things I've done this trimester, some of which I don't wish to talk about but I will, oh and I'll share one moment from earlier this year (that I have hardly told anyone close to me). You have to understand, I'm quite ashamed by alot of this, I really am. They are the reasons for me hitting rock bottom more than once within a 2 month time period. I can't believe I'm about to do this, if only people I know didn't read this, then I'd have nothing to worry about. But I have a horrible feeling that this is going to have some pretty negative effects. But I need to tell the truth, I need to let go of what I've been holding in for so long, cause this stuff is killing me. Now you can't be offended from me not telling ya'll this beforehand, it was a matter of I didn't want to admit these things to myself and didn't want to tell anyone at all.
#1:
Oh god, where should I start. Alright, how about the spring. 2 weeks before I turned 18. Remember my friend Zach, the one from Dallas, and sadly the guy I met off of the internet (god how pathetic could I be). Well actually to start off, i met him in early January, we hung out I stayed the night. He was the first guy I ever kissed, not cause I liked him, but because for some reason I trusted him (perhaps cause I wasn't attracted to him, and because I knew he had no connections to back home). But wanted to know what it was like, cause it hadn't ever happened before, me kissing a guy that is. Well after that I didn't talk to him for a long while, mostly cause I found someone I loved at home, which would be Katlin. Well not by choice things fell through with Katlin, and I lost alot of hope for awhile with it ever working out to our advantage.
Well I started wondering about Zach, just about how he'd been, and I felt weird not talking to him after that stuff. So I got back in touch with him in April. We decided I'd stay the night with him one day, we'd go out to eat and go shopping the next day (at the expensive places) cause I needed to find a semi-formal dress for the soccer banquet. Well it was also more than that, he still didn't know about me being gay, and at the time I still said I was bi, cause I wasn't sure, how could I judge something I'd never experienced (I was still technically a virgin, cause I'd never been with a guy) or well mainly something I'd been so curious about for so long. And I say this, having never even fooled around with a guy. I had so many questions and curiousities. And like I said I trusted Zach, I really did, I knew he would protect me. So we discussed this, and well thats something that happened the night I stayed with him. We had sex. And I have to say I didn't enjoy it at all, seriously, no pleasure for me (as if that would make any difference to you).
And it gets worse, yes I said worse. You'd think me, the smart/safe person that I am would.... use umm... protection, but.... I let him talk me into believeing that it would be better without it, but I didn't agree until I was positive he'd keep his promise to keep me safe (ummm... not doing something inside me). GEEZ..... I hate talking about sex, with any gender, I hate it, I really do, I'm not comfortable with talking about it, especially when its related to me. So yeah I know, that is fucked up, I mean the whole me and Zach thing. But I suppose it solved some questions. But I regret it, I truly do, I was stupid, very stupid, I am ashamed for it. I didn't think I could do anything worse than that, but I taught myself I could fuck up worse than that (read later stories). But to put a side note in here: one of the reasons I broke up with Renee at the end of the summer was because I was freaking out, cause I thought I could be pregnant. Now granted I didn't have any of the semptoms (sp?) or anything, but if you know me well enough, you know I get freakishly paranoid. And I was so stressed out, and she knew about the Zach thing, and didn't like me talking about it, so I didn't have anyone to vent to. Needless to say, I wasn't pregnant, but I was however more fucked up in my head. So yeah thats one story which occurred 2 weeks before I turned 18, on a saturday.
#2:
This isn't a problem, this is just a weird fact that I wanted to put out there. After I broke up with Katlin, I'm not sure when it was, but I think it was sometime in March. My friend Mayra was going through alot of stuff, and needed someone to be there for her. So I was. I went and stayed the night with her, you could say I cuddled with her (but I see that as more of a sexual thin), but I held her all night, cause thats what she needed, to feel safe. And again, this was nothing sexual or any other weird interpretation you could have of this. I was simply being there for a friend, sometimes I wish I had a friend like that, someone to hold me with out string attached when I need to feel safe.
#3:
Umm... ok and what now. Oh ok, I've got it. I can not believe I'm fixing to admit this. On several occasions this year and last year, Miranda and I have had flings, in other words, we slept together. I don't feel the need to explain it, other than the fact that I was single at the time, so it shouldn't matter. But theres something between her and I to where we just feel comfortable with each other in that way. Miranda is probably the only one who will understand this. I say several occasions within the times I was single, we might have had a fling once with each time, sometimes twice. The last time was on my friend Beth's birthday, which was November 4th, cause Miranda was coming up to hang out with me, and we ended up drinking with Beth and Amie (next door).
#4:
And one more fact to add to this list. I slept with Renee umm... I think maybe it was towards the beginning of October. I know it was when my brother's neighbor was having a reception party for his daughter. And I invited her out there, cause we had been needing to talk about alot of stuff. Not sure why I let this happen, cause I knew it would just mess with her head more, but I did tell her that. The one thing that stand out to me, is how the hell could I not tell how different her body was (cause she'd lost so much weight since I broke up with her). Yet a month later (Nov. 19th), she comes over in a wife-beater, and I notice then.... strange. Oh wow, I just realize, the most recent time with Miranda, was like the weekend before I slept with Renee. I'm so completely horrible. Oh and that second time Renee came over, we basically just made out, I stopped myself before anything else happen, cause I couldn't let it happen again. I knew I was just leading her on more, even though I had told her I couldn't be anything more for her than what I was in those moments.
#5:
Oh but I can't forget this one... having a kind of fling with someone else (only kind of, because there was no sex involved), I'm afraid to write her name cause she might get pissed, but I can say shes not someone from Granbury or Glen Rose (so don't even think its someone you know, well Miranda knows her). But I remember exactly when it was, August 2nd, my brothers birthday. And get this, less than a week after I broke up with Renee, how shitty of a person am I.
#6:
Sept. 4th is a day I wish I could forget, a memory I wish to abolish...... but I can't. This is the ultimate shameful thing. I am utterly and painfully ashamed of this, I mean who wouldn't be of something like this. Ok so here I go. The day in itself was crazy, having fights with other soccer teams and stuff. Having our guys be protective of us girls. We won our first conference game that day, came back home, no party that night cause we have a 48 hour rule for games, and we had a game on the 6th. So well they put off the party, and ended up having one on the 11th, so we all went to a party and one of the soccer guys houses. Since it wasn't directly after a game, I was at the dorm all day, and some friends from the dorms had been wanting to go out, so they came with me. Anyways, they had a keg and some other beer, but I don't like beer. So I was just hanging out and chilling, I got a cup of beer, to make it look like I was drinking (so they'd leave me alone about it). But I did smoke a joint with some other people, I'm pretty sure I smoked from the hooka (but it was just tobacco).
Anyways, so Angelika came with me, and she didn't really like beer either, so we were kind of being buddies. I was talking to Mike B. and he was saying how he and Chewy were fixing to go over to his friend's apartment cause they were having a party over there for his friends birthday. Then he ended up inviting me, and I was thinking theres no way I'm going to go with them by myself, so I got Angelika to go. It was cool, we had fun, Chewy kept flirting with me, and was trying to be all up on me, and I was totally not cool with it, and Angelika knew it, so she kept talking to him about stupid shit to distract him. But anyways, Angelika and I ended up taking like 2 shots, and we each drank like 4 or 5 smirnoffs (i think thats what they were, I don't remember now). But we ended up leaving Chewy there cause he was having a bit of fun dancing and whatever else, plus I just really didn't want him to come back with us, cause he makes me really uncomfortable.
Its February 2nd, and I'm still trying to finish this damn thing.
So anyways, we went back to the soccer party, and I'm pretty sure I took another hit off of another joint. But theres one room just off from the little living room. And Bill was in there, and I walked by, and I hadn't seen him in awhile, so I just stepped in and started talking to him just like I normally would. Then Mike B. came in and started talking as well, then Zia came in too, oh and Eric came in as well. I'm not really sure how everything got started. We were just talking about stupid shit. Then of course the topic of sex came up, and we were just talking about that, and crazy things that they'd done. Zia said his biggest fantasy for some reason was to watch someone having sex. Then they preceded to ask me what it would take to let them watch me have sex with Bill. And I just kept saying I'd only been with one guy, just once completely. And they were like we would pay you. I just thought they were messing with me at first. They extensively went off on how they would pay me, like cash, and that they could afford it, etc. Well the price got risen to $600. Now you're probably thinking oh please tell me you didn't do it. Well yeah I did, but its worse than you think.
Now let me start off by stating these facts. I was pretty much drunk and I was stoned. And I am not one to use that as an excuse, because I am not right now whatsoever. At this time I was so unbelievably depressed, like as low as I thought I could go. I was desperate for money, I had even thought about doing all sorts of shit before any of this had happened, things to do for money, and honestly sexual favors came up in my mind, but not with someone I was disgusted with (like physically, how shallow is that). But I put it aside and I was like no I would never do that. But I just got to a point that day, I was so depressed, incredibly mentally unstable and vulnerable I guess. I just did not give a shit about myself at all!! So when they were trying to talk me in to stuff, I just gave up, and gave in. I was in a closed room with 4 guys. I just gave up, I didn't care about my soul, my body, nothing at all. I figured hell, why not give them what they want, I don't care. I really didn't. Well things got a bit more twisted. Alot more happened than what was stated in the original deal. So I'm going to sum it up, cause details aren't necessary for you to get the point. I had sex with Bill and Eric, and did other things with Zia and Mike B. Disgusted? I wouldn't blame you, not at all. I am with myself, thats a simple answer. I can state this, real men never would have let that situation happen. And a real woman would have told them to fuck off and leave. Let me say this, how could I be a real woman, when I didn't feel like anything at all, I was just there, letting things happen.
So you think I was a fuck up then, well lets make it more easier for you to think its more even fucked up. Remember that $600 I mentioned earlier. Well that didn't happen, it was supposedly just one big joke. Something to the effect that one of the guys last year bet this guy that he wouldn't jump in the pond in freezing as weather to get a ball that fell into it. Well he fell for the joke, just like I did. Except this joke, has nothing funny about it. Nothing funny at all. Well besides the fact that I'm a major jackass. But what can I say, I actually believed that I could trust them. And well I was even more depressed after all of this happened, I was taking pain killers and tylonel pm to make me fall asleep or feel numb to everything (which it actually doesn't do, just physically it does). I gave in to my temptations, and cut. It was so easy to give in, so easy. I had practice after all of it, and when I would think about things, I could just push hard on my legs and drag my finger nails across the area where I cut, and feel the pain all over again. But I can tell you this, the practice that monday, was the best practice I've ever had in my entire life. Just running and running, and kicking the ball as hard as I could, my precision on the game was top notch for me. I was so focused on doing anything but thinking about what happened. After all of it, Zia was the only one who apologized to me, he helped to try and find me some jobs, he tried to help me in some way, which says alot for the other guys. But it doesn't justify what we did, nothing can. So well theres that.
#7
And heres this. On November 17th something really shitty happened again. This time theres not a damn thing I could have done about it. Well it started off my brother Brian was coming up to hang out with me, and we were going to drink with my soccer friends. We met them at Bennigans, and I had a long island iced tea (and didn't really like it). Then we stopped and bought Brian something and bought me bacardi raspberry (I think that flavor, but does it really matter). Well anyways I drank 4 of those, and started on my 5th. But in the meantime I had took about 4-5 hits off a bowl of hydro (stronger weed, its laced with hydrocodene, which I found out later). Well I was fucked over basically, like really fucked over. Chewy ended up coming over. We were at Laney and Mandy's. And he kept like following me. I kept feeling like I couldn't breathe (and I knew why), but he followed me outside twice. One time I was talking to my brother, the other time my brother was like going to his truck or something. But I just though Chewy was being weird, but it creeped me out just the same.
But well it was a good night in the sense that I got to be around Deborah, the Brazilian on my team. And I was in the back room with Mandy and Deborah, and Deborah laid back on the bed and fell asleep I guess. And Chewy came in, and I was sitting by her, and he was like you want a piece of that don't you. I just kind of looked at him, like I was actually straight, or kind of played it off like I was straight. He was like its ok I know you don't want none of this (referring to him in a sexual manner, obviously). And I was like well thats true (I don't think I actually said that). But he left me alone. Then Mandy knocked over my beer and spilt it all over my pants, so she gave me shorts, and I went and changed, went to the bathroom and all that. And came back in, and Mandy and Deborah were both asleep on the bed. So I shut the door, and laid down on the floor, and passed out, quite literally. Well I remember Chewy coming in, and talking to me, then I fell back asleep (thought about it later, and he was just coming in to see how fucked up I was).
Next thing I know I wake up, faced down on the floor, and hes fingering me. I tried to get him to stop, but I felt paralyzed, like thats how messed up I was (mostly from the hydro). Then I remember him taking off my my shorts and underwear, and started to eat me out. Arggh.... I hate talking about that shit, like I said earlier. Again I tried to get him to stop, well I had been, but I guess he just thought I was I don't know trying to tell him to keep going. HA what bullshit that'd be, he knew better. Then he finally stops. Next thing I know I feel something else, umm... go in, just barely. Somehow, I managed to kick him, well kind of, it was more like pushing him with my legs the best I could. Then I heard him buckling back his belt and zipping up his pants, which leads me more to believe it really was what I thought. Then I just kind of sat up and curled up in a ball, cause I was half naked. And he had the audacity to try and play it off like he didn't do anything. He was like Erin, Erin what happened, how did you get like this. And I was like Chewy, I'm not stupid, and I told him he needed to leave. And kept telling him that, and finally he did. People can think whatever they want about that one. But I can honestly tell you I was raped. There was no consent given in this case, none at all. If you knew Chewy, you would know hes capable of it. Unfortunately I found out through experience.
It was a good night, then Chewy came along and ruined the night, and made my life more of a hell than it already was. Its taken me 2 months to admit this experience, more too myself than anything. And again I fell through the cracks, and tried to numb myself out, and I cut again. No one knew about it, but me and him, and some of my friends here on campus (cause they knew something was wrong with me). But I relapsed again, and cut. Oh how I hate my relapses, but at the same time I love them. Its like an inner rage expressed outside on my body. But no one ever notices, if they do they've never said anything. So anyways, theres the other thing that has majorly fucked me up this year.
#8
Ummm.... Latest fuck up. Would be with Katlin. Not intentional. After everything that had happened in those few months. I started going to see Katlin, and I still felt feelings I had before. I told myself I could try it again. I was lying to myself, I guess to make things seem like they were ok. I think I hung out with her two or 3 individual times where we made out, maybe more times. But it was something geniune, or so I thought, I think I was just telling myself that again. Then came the point where I got her to come over to my house, in the process lying to her parents about where she really was. She was scared the entire time. I could tell. She made me feel safe though. That was the thing, I felt safe for once in so long. She was real, and I knew that. But after that night, I got freaked out I guess. Cause I realized what kind of person I was for making her lie to her parents, and theres the fact that shes only a sophomore in high school, she has so much more of life to live, why should I keep her holding on to me. It was just hurting her more and more. Which came up finally, and bit me in the ass. Well I expected it. Katlin finally confronted me about it. And I'm so proud of her for doing it. It takes guts and heart (not to mention it was a heart that had been shattered and beaten down, yet it kept going, and will keep going). I was an ass I know.
#9
This isn't a screw up. But I really feel like an idiot. I found the girl of my dreams, matter of fact I wrote a post about her, here it is:
"I found the girl of my dreams, finally!! My heart tells me I could spend the rest of my life with her. Shh.... don't tell her. lol I'm sure she wouldn't mind knowing that though. But seriously, I feel things for this girl I've never felt before, well never with the sense of knowing that I could keep feeling it forever. Could this be love for the first time? Good song lyric :) but I'm pretty sure its last time, not first time, lol. But so yeah, could it be love?? Maybe not quite yet, but the possibility is definately there. I know that for a fact. Its hard to see the one you care about so much, have to walk away. The next 6 months is going to suck. In her words "this whole not seeing you everyday crap, really sucks." I'm so wrapped up in her, is crazy. But in a good way, lol. Wow, I'm so completely rambling. I'm so incredibly happy right now, I have been since I started talking to her, shes made me happy before we were really anything. Just the thought of her makes me happy. Ok ok, so I will stop making ya'll read my mushy love puppy type stuff lol. I just wanted to share my feelings about her, and her amazingly beautiful self. Oh and yeah I know, I never said her name, cause people she works with might see it and it get her in trouble (ya know, the whole being gay thing). But the only person on my buddy list that really knows her is Brooke. So meh.... sucks for the rest of you who don't know her, lol. Shes really quite a wonderful girl. Ok I'm off to bed now, laters"
Oh and the reason I couldn't say her name is cause she is in the navy, her name is Sarah. I really felt different this time. But ironically the best thing in my life came crashing down again. She broke up with me yesterday (feb. 1st). I started talking to her sometime at the beginning of November, and we just talked as friends for along time, up until like 2 weeks before she got to come home (which was over christmas). But so yeah, I'm heartbroken at the moment. Not sure what to do, cause this kind of break up is different. This was her email to me.
"Erin, hey girl, i tried to call you yesterday before i turned my phone off. Ireally needed to talk to you but i guess since i couldnt get a hold of you iguess sending you this email is the only way i can talk to you now sincethe phones dont work.anyway i really hate to have to do this babe but i havethought alot about this and i have been talking to my really good friend onwhat i should do and i have decided that at this point in time since i amgone that i would just like to stay friends. there was nothing you did wrongi just feel that i have alot of tings going on around here and it is sostressful to handle being away from you. maybe somewhere down the road wheni am there we can try to be together but right now is not a good time. i amreally sorry this is hard for me to do cause i know you are gonna hurt butlike i said this is the best thing for me right now and there was nothingyou did wrong and i want us to still be friends. well i gotta go for now ihave to man the rails out on the flight deck as we depart san diego for thelast time and head to Guam. well girl i guess i will talk to you later.sarah"
So I know I've said some of these things before to other people, so I'm still not sure what to believe, if shes being genuine or not about the reason. Meh... go figure. I'll figure it out sooner or later. So feel free and find humor in all this, its cool. I understand the feeling of I've caused you pain, and now its humorous to know I'm in pain. But well I'm not too worried about all of it at the moment. I'll figure it all out sometime and make sense of things.
#10
So one last simple thing, I have to make it 10. Lol. I've been falling behind in school and in life. And I've perhaps screwed over alot of people's lives. One more so than others, my roommates. She fucked up on her own, but I helped her along a bit. She got caught with her weed pipe in the room. They'd been searching for it. I finally got sick of them searching are room, so I told them where it was. Theres more to my actions than just being a bitch and telling on her. There is more to it. But I don't feel like going into it right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright, well I think this is all. I know this will have alot of different effects, I know it and I accept that fact. Oh and don't email me please. Just comment, comments of any sort, I don't care. Be blunt, be honest, tell me exactly how you feel. I want to know, but write it in a comment, who cares if someone else sees it, big deal, get over it. My whole life is one display, so who will really care if someone sees a small little glimpse of yours. Seriously, comment. I'm going to go off, and live my little life now. Laters.
Oh yeah I started writing this on November 17, 2004, and finally finished it today, February 2, 2005.
#12
Oh shit, and I forgot one more thing. Krystal. I fell for her pretty hard. I met her over the net along time ago, back last spring, we chatted occasionally, but we were just friends. Until around the beginning of October. We finally met face to face October 21st. Nothing ever really happened between us. On halloween we went down to the block party, or well I met her there, and she hugged me at the end of the night, a different type of hug, more emotional. Then we hung out the next day, and we cuddled, and thats about it. She ended up screwing me over in the end. But the fact of the matter was that I really was seriously interested in her, and started to fall for her, then she ended it (you'd understand if you knew her). It hurt, still kind of bothers me. So yeah theres that, another misadventure, or whatever. Couldn't forget to add this, cause its pretty important to me.
Ok so this will be my attempt at telling the seriously brutal truth. I am going to tell you the stupid things I've done this trimester, some of which I don't wish to talk about but I will, oh and I'll share one moment from earlier this year (that I have hardly told anyone close to me). You have to understand, I'm quite ashamed by alot of this, I really am. They are the reasons for me hitting rock bottom more than once within a 2 month time period. I can't believe I'm about to do this, if only people I know didn't read this, then I'd have nothing to worry about. But I have a horrible feeling that this is going to have some pretty negative effects. But I need to tell the truth, I need to let go of what I've been holding in for so long, cause this stuff is killing me. Now you can't be offended from me not telling ya'll this beforehand, it was a matter of I didn't want to admit these things to myself and didn't want to tell anyone at all.
#1:
Oh god, where should I start. Alright, how about the spring. 2 weeks before I turned 18. Remember my friend Zach, the one from Dallas, and sadly the guy I met off of the internet (god how pathetic could I be). Well actually to start off, i met him in early January, we hung out I stayed the night. He was the first guy I ever kissed, not cause I liked him, but because for some reason I trusted him (perhaps cause I wasn't attracted to him, and because I knew he had no connections to back home). But wanted to know what it was like, cause it hadn't ever happened before, me kissing a guy that is. Well after that I didn't talk to him for a long while, mostly cause I found someone I loved at home, which would be Katlin. Well not by choice things fell through with Katlin, and I lost alot of hope for awhile with it ever working out to our advantage.
Well I started wondering about Zach, just about how he'd been, and I felt weird not talking to him after that stuff. So I got back in touch with him in April. We decided I'd stay the night with him one day, we'd go out to eat and go shopping the next day (at the expensive places) cause I needed to find a semi-formal dress for the soccer banquet. Well it was also more than that, he still didn't know about me being gay, and at the time I still said I was bi, cause I wasn't sure, how could I judge something I'd never experienced (I was still technically a virgin, cause I'd never been with a guy) or well mainly something I'd been so curious about for so long. And I say this, having never even fooled around with a guy. I had so many questions and curiousities. And like I said I trusted Zach, I really did, I knew he would protect me. So we discussed this, and well thats something that happened the night I stayed with him. We had sex. And I have to say I didn't enjoy it at all, seriously, no pleasure for me (as if that would make any difference to you).
And it gets worse, yes I said worse. You'd think me, the smart/safe person that I am would.... use umm... protection, but.... I let him talk me into believeing that it would be better without it, but I didn't agree until I was positive he'd keep his promise to keep me safe (ummm... not doing something inside me). GEEZ..... I hate talking about sex, with any gender, I hate it, I really do, I'm not comfortable with talking about it, especially when its related to me. So yeah I know, that is fucked up, I mean the whole me and Zach thing. But I suppose it solved some questions. But I regret it, I truly do, I was stupid, very stupid, I am ashamed for it. I didn't think I could do anything worse than that, but I taught myself I could fuck up worse than that (read later stories). But to put a side note in here: one of the reasons I broke up with Renee at the end of the summer was because I was freaking out, cause I thought I could be pregnant. Now granted I didn't have any of the semptoms (sp?) or anything, but if you know me well enough, you know I get freakishly paranoid. And I was so stressed out, and she knew about the Zach thing, and didn't like me talking about it, so I didn't have anyone to vent to. Needless to say, I wasn't pregnant, but I was however more fucked up in my head. So yeah thats one story which occurred 2 weeks before I turned 18, on a saturday.
#2:
This isn't a problem, this is just a weird fact that I wanted to put out there. After I broke up with Katlin, I'm not sure when it was, but I think it was sometime in March. My friend Mayra was going through alot of stuff, and needed someone to be there for her. So I was. I went and stayed the night with her, you could say I cuddled with her (but I see that as more of a sexual thin), but I held her all night, cause thats what she needed, to feel safe. And again, this was nothing sexual or any other weird interpretation you could have of this. I was simply being there for a friend, sometimes I wish I had a friend like that, someone to hold me with out string attached when I need to feel safe.
#3:
Umm... ok and what now. Oh ok, I've got it. I can not believe I'm fixing to admit this. On several occasions this year and last year, Miranda and I have had flings, in other words, we slept together. I don't feel the need to explain it, other than the fact that I was single at the time, so it shouldn't matter. But theres something between her and I to where we just feel comfortable with each other in that way. Miranda is probably the only one who will understand this. I say several occasions within the times I was single, we might have had a fling once with each time, sometimes twice. The last time was on my friend Beth's birthday, which was November 4th, cause Miranda was coming up to hang out with me, and we ended up drinking with Beth and Amie (next door).
#4:
And one more fact to add to this list. I slept with Renee umm... I think maybe it was towards the beginning of October. I know it was when my brother's neighbor was having a reception party for his daughter. And I invited her out there, cause we had been needing to talk about alot of stuff. Not sure why I let this happen, cause I knew it would just mess with her head more, but I did tell her that. The one thing that stand out to me, is how the hell could I not tell how different her body was (cause she'd lost so much weight since I broke up with her). Yet a month later (Nov. 19th), she comes over in a wife-beater, and I notice then.... strange. Oh wow, I just realize, the most recent time with Miranda, was like the weekend before I slept with Renee. I'm so completely horrible. Oh and that second time Renee came over, we basically just made out, I stopped myself before anything else happen, cause I couldn't let it happen again. I knew I was just leading her on more, even though I had told her I couldn't be anything more for her than what I was in those moments.
#5:
Oh but I can't forget this one... having a kind of fling with someone else (only kind of, because there was no sex involved), I'm afraid to write her name cause she might get pissed, but I can say shes not someone from Granbury or Glen Rose (so don't even think its someone you know, well Miranda knows her). But I remember exactly when it was, August 2nd, my brothers birthday. And get this, less than a week after I broke up with Renee, how shitty of a person am I.
#6:
Sept. 4th is a day I wish I could forget, a memory I wish to abolish...... but I can't. This is the ultimate shameful thing. I am utterly and painfully ashamed of this, I mean who wouldn't be of something like this. Ok so here I go. The day in itself was crazy, having fights with other soccer teams and stuff. Having our guys be protective of us girls. We won our first conference game that day, came back home, no party that night cause we have a 48 hour rule for games, and we had a game on the 6th. So well they put off the party, and ended up having one on the 11th, so we all went to a party and one of the soccer guys houses. Since it wasn't directly after a game, I was at the dorm all day, and some friends from the dorms had been wanting to go out, so they came with me. Anyways, they had a keg and some other beer, but I don't like beer. So I was just hanging out and chilling, I got a cup of beer, to make it look like I was drinking (so they'd leave me alone about it). But I did smoke a joint with some other people, I'm pretty sure I smoked from the hooka (but it was just tobacco).
Anyways, so Angelika came with me, and she didn't really like beer either, so we were kind of being buddies. I was talking to Mike B. and he was saying how he and Chewy were fixing to go over to his friend's apartment cause they were having a party over there for his friends birthday. Then he ended up inviting me, and I was thinking theres no way I'm going to go with them by myself, so I got Angelika to go. It was cool, we had fun, Chewy kept flirting with me, and was trying to be all up on me, and I was totally not cool with it, and Angelika knew it, so she kept talking to him about stupid shit to distract him. But anyways, Angelika and I ended up taking like 2 shots, and we each drank like 4 or 5 smirnoffs (i think thats what they were, I don't remember now). But we ended up leaving Chewy there cause he was having a bit of fun dancing and whatever else, plus I just really didn't want him to come back with us, cause he makes me really uncomfortable.
Its February 2nd, and I'm still trying to finish this damn thing.
So anyways, we went back to the soccer party, and I'm pretty sure I took another hit off of another joint. But theres one room just off from the little living room. And Bill was in there, and I walked by, and I hadn't seen him in awhile, so I just stepped in and started talking to him just like I normally would. Then Mike B. came in and started talking as well, then Zia came in too, oh and Eric came in as well. I'm not really sure how everything got started. We were just talking about stupid shit. Then of course the topic of sex came up, and we were just talking about that, and crazy things that they'd done. Zia said his biggest fantasy for some reason was to watch someone having sex. Then they preceded to ask me what it would take to let them watch me have sex with Bill. And I just kept saying I'd only been with one guy, just once completely. And they were like we would pay you. I just thought they were messing with me at first. They extensively went off on how they would pay me, like cash, and that they could afford it, etc. Well the price got risen to $600. Now you're probably thinking oh please tell me you didn't do it. Well yeah I did, but its worse than you think.
Now let me start off by stating these facts. I was pretty much drunk and I was stoned. And I am not one to use that as an excuse, because I am not right now whatsoever. At this time I was so unbelievably depressed, like as low as I thought I could go. I was desperate for money, I had even thought about doing all sorts of shit before any of this had happened, things to do for money, and honestly sexual favors came up in my mind, but not with someone I was disgusted with (like physically, how shallow is that). But I put it aside and I was like no I would never do that. But I just got to a point that day, I was so depressed, incredibly mentally unstable and vulnerable I guess. I just did not give a shit about myself at all!! So when they were trying to talk me in to stuff, I just gave up, and gave in. I was in a closed room with 4 guys. I just gave up, I didn't care about my soul, my body, nothing at all. I figured hell, why not give them what they want, I don't care. I really didn't. Well things got a bit more twisted. Alot more happened than what was stated in the original deal. So I'm going to sum it up, cause details aren't necessary for you to get the point. I had sex with Bill and Eric, and did other things with Zia and Mike B. Disgusted? I wouldn't blame you, not at all. I am with myself, thats a simple answer. I can state this, real men never would have let that situation happen. And a real woman would have told them to fuck off and leave. Let me say this, how could I be a real woman, when I didn't feel like anything at all, I was just there, letting things happen.
So you think I was a fuck up then, well lets make it more easier for you to think its more even fucked up. Remember that $600 I mentioned earlier. Well that didn't happen, it was supposedly just one big joke. Something to the effect that one of the guys last year bet this guy that he wouldn't jump in the pond in freezing as weather to get a ball that fell into it. Well he fell for the joke, just like I did. Except this joke, has nothing funny about it. Nothing funny at all. Well besides the fact that I'm a major jackass. But what can I say, I actually believed that I could trust them. And well I was even more depressed after all of this happened, I was taking pain killers and tylonel pm to make me fall asleep or feel numb to everything (which it actually doesn't do, just physically it does). I gave in to my temptations, and cut. It was so easy to give in, so easy. I had practice after all of it, and when I would think about things, I could just push hard on my legs and drag my finger nails across the area where I cut, and feel the pain all over again. But I can tell you this, the practice that monday, was the best practice I've ever had in my entire life. Just running and running, and kicking the ball as hard as I could, my precision on the game was top notch for me. I was so focused on doing anything but thinking about what happened. After all of it, Zia was the only one who apologized to me, he helped to try and find me some jobs, he tried to help me in some way, which says alot for the other guys. But it doesn't justify what we did, nothing can. So well theres that.
#7
And heres this. On November 17th something really shitty happened again. This time theres not a damn thing I could have done about it. Well it started off my brother Brian was coming up to hang out with me, and we were going to drink with my soccer friends. We met them at Bennigans, and I had a long island iced tea (and didn't really like it). Then we stopped and bought Brian something and bought me bacardi raspberry (I think that flavor, but does it really matter). Well anyways I drank 4 of those, and started on my 5th. But in the meantime I had took about 4-5 hits off a bowl of hydro (stronger weed, its laced with hydrocodene, which I found out later). Well I was fucked over basically, like really fucked over. Chewy ended up coming over. We were at Laney and Mandy's. And he kept like following me. I kept feeling like I couldn't breathe (and I knew why), but he followed me outside twice. One time I was talking to my brother, the other time my brother was like going to his truck or something. But I just though Chewy was being weird, but it creeped me out just the same.
But well it was a good night in the sense that I got to be around Deborah, the Brazilian on my team. And I was in the back room with Mandy and Deborah, and Deborah laid back on the bed and fell asleep I guess. And Chewy came in, and I was sitting by her, and he was like you want a piece of that don't you. I just kind of looked at him, like I was actually straight, or kind of played it off like I was straight. He was like its ok I know you don't want none of this (referring to him in a sexual manner, obviously). And I was like well thats true (I don't think I actually said that). But he left me alone. Then Mandy knocked over my beer and spilt it all over my pants, so she gave me shorts, and I went and changed, went to the bathroom and all that. And came back in, and Mandy and Deborah were both asleep on the bed. So I shut the door, and laid down on the floor, and passed out, quite literally. Well I remember Chewy coming in, and talking to me, then I fell back asleep (thought about it later, and he was just coming in to see how fucked up I was).
Next thing I know I wake up, faced down on the floor, and hes fingering me. I tried to get him to stop, but I felt paralyzed, like thats how messed up I was (mostly from the hydro). Then I remember him taking off my my shorts and underwear, and started to eat me out. Arggh.... I hate talking about that shit, like I said earlier. Again I tried to get him to stop, well I had been, but I guess he just thought I was I don't know trying to tell him to keep going. HA what bullshit that'd be, he knew better. Then he finally stops. Next thing I know I feel something else, umm... go in, just barely. Somehow, I managed to kick him, well kind of, it was more like pushing him with my legs the best I could. Then I heard him buckling back his belt and zipping up his pants, which leads me more to believe it really was what I thought. Then I just kind of sat up and curled up in a ball, cause I was half naked. And he had the audacity to try and play it off like he didn't do anything. He was like Erin, Erin what happened, how did you get like this. And I was like Chewy, I'm not stupid, and I told him he needed to leave. And kept telling him that, and finally he did. People can think whatever they want about that one. But I can honestly tell you I was raped. There was no consent given in this case, none at all. If you knew Chewy, you would know hes capable of it. Unfortunately I found out through experience.
It was a good night, then Chewy came along and ruined the night, and made my life more of a hell than it already was. Its taken me 2 months to admit this experience, more too myself than anything. And again I fell through the cracks, and tried to numb myself out, and I cut again. No one knew about it, but me and him, and some of my friends here on campus (cause they knew something was wrong with me). But I relapsed again, and cut. Oh how I hate my relapses, but at the same time I love them. Its like an inner rage expressed outside on my body. But no one ever notices, if they do they've never said anything. So anyways, theres the other thing that has majorly fucked me up this year.
#8
Ummm.... Latest fuck up. Would be with Katlin. Not intentional. After everything that had happened in those few months. I started going to see Katlin, and I still felt feelings I had before. I told myself I could try it again. I was lying to myself, I guess to make things seem like they were ok. I think I hung out with her two or 3 individual times where we made out, maybe more times. But it was something geniune, or so I thought, I think I was just telling myself that again. Then came the point where I got her to come over to my house, in the process lying to her parents about where she really was. She was scared the entire time. I could tell. She made me feel safe though. That was the thing, I felt safe for once in so long. She was real, and I knew that. But after that night, I got freaked out I guess. Cause I realized what kind of person I was for making her lie to her parents, and theres the fact that shes only a sophomore in high school, she has so much more of life to live, why should I keep her holding on to me. It was just hurting her more and more. Which came up finally, and bit me in the ass. Well I expected it. Katlin finally confronted me about it. And I'm so proud of her for doing it. It takes guts and heart (not to mention it was a heart that had been shattered and beaten down, yet it kept going, and will keep going). I was an ass I know.
#9
This isn't a screw up. But I really feel like an idiot. I found the girl of my dreams, matter of fact I wrote a post about her, here it is:
"I found the girl of my dreams, finally!! My heart tells me I could spend the rest of my life with her. Shh.... don't tell her. lol I'm sure she wouldn't mind knowing that though. But seriously, I feel things for this girl I've never felt before, well never with the sense of knowing that I could keep feeling it forever. Could this be love for the first time? Good song lyric :) but I'm pretty sure its last time, not first time, lol. But so yeah, could it be love?? Maybe not quite yet, but the possibility is definately there. I know that for a fact. Its hard to see the one you care about so much, have to walk away. The next 6 months is going to suck. In her words "this whole not seeing you everyday crap, really sucks." I'm so wrapped up in her, is crazy. But in a good way, lol. Wow, I'm so completely rambling. I'm so incredibly happy right now, I have been since I started talking to her, shes made me happy before we were really anything. Just the thought of her makes me happy. Ok ok, so I will stop making ya'll read my mushy love puppy type stuff lol. I just wanted to share my feelings about her, and her amazingly beautiful self. Oh and yeah I know, I never said her name, cause people she works with might see it and it get her in trouble (ya know, the whole being gay thing). But the only person on my buddy list that really knows her is Brooke. So meh.... sucks for the rest of you who don't know her, lol. Shes really quite a wonderful girl. Ok I'm off to bed now, laters"
Oh and the reason I couldn't say her name is cause she is in the navy, her name is Sarah. I really felt different this time. But ironically the best thing in my life came crashing down again. She broke up with me yesterday (feb. 1st). I started talking to her sometime at the beginning of November, and we just talked as friends for along time, up until like 2 weeks before she got to come home (which was over christmas). But so yeah, I'm heartbroken at the moment. Not sure what to do, cause this kind of break up is different. This was her email to me.
"Erin, hey girl, i tried to call you yesterday before i turned my phone off. Ireally needed to talk to you but i guess since i couldnt get a hold of you iguess sending you this email is the only way i can talk to you now sincethe phones dont work.anyway i really hate to have to do this babe but i havethought alot about this and i have been talking to my really good friend onwhat i should do and i have decided that at this point in time since i amgone that i would just like to stay friends. there was nothing you did wrongi just feel that i have alot of tings going on around here and it is sostressful to handle being away from you. maybe somewhere down the road wheni am there we can try to be together but right now is not a good time. i amreally sorry this is hard for me to do cause i know you are gonna hurt butlike i said this is the best thing for me right now and there was nothingyou did wrong and i want us to still be friends. well i gotta go for now ihave to man the rails out on the flight deck as we depart san diego for thelast time and head to Guam. well girl i guess i will talk to you later.sarah"
So I know I've said some of these things before to other people, so I'm still not sure what to believe, if shes being genuine or not about the reason. Meh... go figure. I'll figure it out sooner or later. So feel free and find humor in all this, its cool. I understand the feeling of I've caused you pain, and now its humorous to know I'm in pain. But well I'm not too worried about all of it at the moment. I'll figure it all out sometime and make sense of things.
#10
So one last simple thing, I have to make it 10. Lol. I've been falling behind in school and in life. And I've perhaps screwed over alot of people's lives. One more so than others, my roommates. She fucked up on her own, but I helped her along a bit. She got caught with her weed pipe in the room. They'd been searching for it. I finally got sick of them searching are room, so I told them where it was. Theres more to my actions than just being a bitch and telling on her. There is more to it. But I don't feel like going into it right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright, well I think this is all. I know this will have alot of different effects, I know it and I accept that fact. Oh and don't email me please. Just comment, comments of any sort, I don't care. Be blunt, be honest, tell me exactly how you feel. I want to know, but write it in a comment, who cares if someone else sees it, big deal, get over it. My whole life is one display, so who will really care if someone sees a small little glimpse of yours. Seriously, comment. I'm going to go off, and live my little life now. Laters.
Oh yeah I started writing this on November 17, 2004, and finally finished it today, February 2, 2005.
#12
Oh shit, and I forgot one more thing. Krystal. I fell for her pretty hard. I met her over the net along time ago, back last spring, we chatted occasionally, but we were just friends. Until around the beginning of October. We finally met face to face October 21st. Nothing ever really happened between us. On halloween we went down to the block party, or well I met her there, and she hugged me at the end of the night, a different type of hug, more emotional. Then we hung out the next day, and we cuddled, and thats about it. She ended up screwing me over in the end. But the fact of the matter was that I really was seriously interested in her, and started to fall for her, then she ended it (you'd understand if you knew her). It hurt, still kind of bothers me. So yeah theres that, another misadventure, or whatever. Couldn't forget to add this, cause its pretty important to me.
MYSPACE:
Subject: life sucks at the time being
Posted Date: Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 12:53 AM
So no details for now, cause i still haven't been able to process it all yet. But I just wanted to update and say that as of like 8:30 this morning I am now single again. My girl broke up with me. Just thought I'd let ya'll know, whoever it is that actually reads this. Laters.
Subject: life sucks at the time being
Posted Date: Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 12:53 AM
So no details for now, cause i still haven't been able to process it all yet. But I just wanted to update and say that as of like 8:30 this morning I am now single again. My girl broke up with me. Just thought I'd let ya'll know, whoever it is that actually reads this. Laters.
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