So I just looked through my entire myspace buddy list, trying to figure out who reads this that lives in Wichita Falls. So if that'd be you, let me know. And if your wondering how i know where and when and how people read this, its cause i have a site meter. Let know i'm curious, cause it seems that you've read quite a bit so far.

MYSPACE:
Subject: If ya'll were wondering
Posted Date: Saturday, December 10, 2005 - 11:09 AM

I posted a blog yesterday with 2 pictures in it, and I wanted ya'lls opinion. And just for the sake of it, I'll post them again on here right now.  Here ya go:

 

The first I found online about 2 years ago, and the other I found, but I edited most of it and made it my own creation, lol.  Wondering why i'm asking opinions, well cause they're the 2 new tattoos that I got. I got them last night, been planning on gettinth them for quite awhile but just now had enough money to go do it. Both are on the inside of my ankles. The 1st one is a celtic E, lol and even my good friends ask why, and i'm like duh!! the first letter of my name starts with an E (Erin).  And the 2nd was orginally just a celtic type circle with and ankh in the middle with little startbursts in the star, but I took some stuff out and added my own. The japanese kanji stands for faith/believe (not a religious type faith), its something that has meant something to me for a very long time.  So anyways that is that. The people that were in there thought i was badass, cause I just stay calm the whole time, and I did one right after the other.  So it was cool, had a good time while I was in there.

Right after I left there, I went directly from Ft. Worth to Dallas to go to Buddies, cause there was a show and all my friends were there.  I got there with an hour 1/2 left till close. Made the rounds and said hi to everyone, showed a few the new tattoos and why I was late.  They got me out on the dancefloor. Which trying to get me to dance is always hilarious with that group, they even tried to get me to 2-step, lol.  But i had a great time while I was there, always good people. 

Just got back from taking my brother to the airport, and now I'm posting this.  And last but not least the actual pictures of my tattoos.  Here ya go, let me know what ya'll think!!!

OMG I just randomly came across the most amazing song ever. I heard it and immediately thought of Katlin, so this ones for you C.R.

NICKELBACK:
"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go

ABBA:
"I Wonder"

This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here
One day when I am returning?
My friends will get married, have children and homes
It sounds so nice, well-planned and wise
Never expecting surprises

I wonder, it’s frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don’t even try
I’m not a coward
Oh no, I’ll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it, it can’t go wrong

My friends and my family, this dull little town
Buses I’ve missed, boys that I’ve kissed
Everything old and familiar

I wonder, it’s frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don’t even try
I’m not a coward
Oh no, I’ll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it.........
Yes I will take it, it can’t go wrong


I took the chance, and I did it all wrong, it wasn't the right decision. I was most definitely a coward. Shes on my mind everyday, I can't stop thinking about her and how things are between us. I left cause i thought it was the right thing to do, but I was so incredibly wrong. I came back and she wasn't here, shes hidden herself behind the wall that she built to protect herself from me. Its what I would've done too. If i left and came back again, I think she wouldn't be here at all, she would have already left. I fear that, I fear that will be what becomes of us, seperated for ever, never to find each other ever again. I once believed that if you stood up to someone and admitted that you were wrong, that there could be a chance of forgiveness and things working out in the end. But I don't think it will happen here, i'm not that lucky. But if things were as simple as that I would stay here in a standstill until the moment arrived. I would spend the rest of my life trying to get her to forgive me, I really would. I'd do anything to prove to her how much I love her, to get her to speak to me. Anything, I really would. I look back to comments I'd left her, promising to fight. I gave up, didn't even try. But i'm here to say that I've grown alot since then, I've figured out alot. And my hearts points to her, telling me to fight for her now, to fight even when there is no hope. I have to fight to win her back, fight to earn her trust again, fight for her love. I was scared before, I'm scared now. I imagine we'd face the same things as we did before, but I don't fear them as much now, cause i realized that if I have to go through all the obstacles just to be with her. Then so be it. It would be worth it, cause I can't imagine my life without her in it.

I must sound insane for writing what I do, most i'm sure think its all bullshit, most do. Perhaps I am insane. If you only knew how I felt when I was with her, the feeling I get everytime I see her, everytime I look into her eyes, hear her voice, to see her art. If you knew how I felt, then maybe then you would understand. Perhaps the best day of my life was waking up next to her that day only to look out the window to see the earth covered in snow, and to lie there next to her and feel her warmth. I love her. I really really do. One of our friends once said this: "this might be obvious but the reason you and erin can't let go of each other is because you love one another." Shes right, I can't let go, and I won't let go.

So I wrote all of this, and my computer froze, so if it sounds a little off, its cause rewriting things, it never turns out quite like the original.

Shes gone from my life now, but she leaves an everlasting impression on me. She won't speak to me, we've gone over this, I now know for a fact she gets my messages. Her invisible replies remain blank. But her words speak so clearly to me. Silent but deadly, well not really deadly. Its been a wake up call.

Since I withdrew from school, i've been working a ton, but all the while i've been doing some soul-searching, going through my past, through my memories of the good and the bad. Just flipping through the pages of my mind, remembering. I've been doing what i've wanted for so long, slowly but steadily letting go. The things that have been driving me crazy, making me so depressed, stuff that i've been hung up on for so long. I've let go of the first few heartbreaks, like Michelle and Rebecca, I let them go, and got over it. I held on for a long time, kept that hope there. I grew up, I learned to let it go. I've been learning alot lately, I'm getting alot better at not taking things personally and not dwelling on things I can't control, not letting myself get attached. I've always had these expectations of people, or hope, and I was always let down. Now I just go with the flow, and "just be: no expectations." Every day is different.

Thinking about all these events in my life, theres so much there. But it helps to go through it all in my head. And its a relieving feeling, when once i've gone through all of something, and just accept it. To know that something happened, I made certain decisions and I can't change those things. To know that I recognize that I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't gone through that stuff. For along time I've been so selfish, when other people around me are happy, I didn't want them to be. I wanted them to feel like me. Even when they weren't mine anymore, I would get so upset if they were happy and had moved on. So childish of me to not want to share anyone, to not want people to move on from me, I always wanted them to only want me. But it can't be that way, I have to let go. Its ok that they don't need me or want me, its ok, they can live without me. Just as I can live with out them, we're just going in our own directions, and it is ok. I've learned, learned to let go. Believe me, it does feel good to let go. I'm so sick of making myself miserable by dwelling on these tiny simple things. And rather than keep saying it over and over again that I want something to change, i've finally started to do exactly that.

But back to Christopher Robin. I love her, I really do. She has a beautiful soul. I hate that I damaged it. I hope that its healing, even though i know my text messages, emails, or phone calls don't help. But up until a week ago, I didn't officially know she wasn't speaking to me. I hadn't really known the extent of how bad things are between us. I just kept going about in my own little world, all the while leaving her to her life. When I promised we'd be each others world, we'd be together, things wouldn't get in the way. I wouldn't leave her. But I did. I talk about it alot, that I drown myself in things to try and forget about my life, its true though. I did it with her. I was a fool to think that distance would keep that heartbreak in the past. I even stopped talking to my other soccer girls, just because there was a connection to her. You can't runaway from your past, it always comes back up "only to bite you in the ass." And it has. Reality sucks. Knowing that I could be with her forever, but now I may spend eternity trying to get her to speak to me again.

I realize what I lost. But when I think about it, I think I should leave her alone. Let go, let her live. I'm sure alot of people would agree with me on that. That i've already hurt her enough. But with her its different, there was something pure with her, she held my heart, and I held hers. We were just dealt a really shitty hand of circumstances. Bad timing you could say. My other ex's, we just weren't meant to be, we had our chance but nothing became of that time, only in one circumstance besides with CR, can I admit that something could have developed (but i ended it too soon). CR and I never really got our time, the very first week after we got together her parents found out, and our lives were a living hell. I was so childish and a coward for not fighting with her. Its almost been 2 years, and i've come back around for like the 100th time. I told myself theres nothing you can do about it right now, nothing. And here I am now thinking, you idiot, do something, make her see, for goodness sake do something now before the moment is gone and things get to far that you really completely can't do anything to bring her back.

I've grown up alot the last 2 years, learned alot about life and people. I know what I want in life, I'm finally moving on from my past. Letting go of past relationships, how people treated me, how shitty my family life was and how to deal with my feelings in a constructive way. So here I am calmly writing about how I feel, that I love CR and I don't plan on moving on from her. I will live my live until I get that chance with her, the moment she lets me back in. I will not dwell on the bad things that have happened or on what I don't have. I will simply just live. And thats that I guess.

So in the future, Chrisopher Robin, call all me and I'll be around. I may be around when you don't want me, but i don't freeze my ass off for no reason. I go see my soccer girls, but really I go just so i can see you. Remember that sleepover, the whole point of it was so that I could be near you and get to know you more. Now I just come around to even get a glimpse of you. Love you always, and i hope that you'll forgive me some day and we'll be ok again. Till then, I miss you and think about you everyday.

"Without pain, without sacrifice, nothing has any meaning." --- Fightclub

Shes my "Chrisopher Robin" and i'm "Pooh" bear (winnie the pooh that is). Only I know what i'm talking about when i write that. But Katlin is my CR, i'll explain someday. She's not speaking to me. I understand it though, I would to if i were her. I have this image burned into my mind of her just walking away, having not utterted a single word to me. It hurts me, but I don't mind, I deserve it, I broke hers. She once said she forgave me, I know in my heart she didn't. It still hurts her, I think it hurts her still when she sees me or even sees words that I write. I do know all the shit she went through with us, I acknowledge that. She would have given up everything to be with me. I loved her, I really did, still do. She really is always in my heart. I wanted to fight with her, but I was a coward. I gave in and didn't fight. I am a coward!!! I gave in, just laid down to die, didn't even try. Part of me wants to believe that it was best for her, but I know really I just let her down. I tell my self it was the best for her, as if trying to make myself feel better. I didn't keep my promise.

She feels naive for believing me. But I was naive too. I wanted to believe that somehow it'd work out fine in the end, that somehow things would work out for us. It would all be ok. I was never tired of her, so far from it. When ever I look at her, I wish she could see the emotions that are still within me. I do still love, I still think of her, want to be with her. I have these feelings. An then in the back of my mind I hear the conversation I had with her mother on the phone once. If she would have left her family cause they were being so ridiculous, it wouldn't be so simple. I would be in jail, and thats a big deal. More than anything I wanted to be with her, but is it ok to admit that I was scared out of my mind. I was a coward, rather than standing up and facing my problem, I just crawled away with my tail between my legs. Ran away, tried to hide myself away from everything. As if somehow if I distanced myself, I would somehow forget. And look where I am now. Back where I started. But i'm admitting that I was a coward I ran away and left you to fend for yourself. I would be weary of myself as well. How could i leave her, why did I let her slip away, shes the most amazing person, pure-hearted, good soul. And i punched a hole straight through her heart.

I know words can't patch up that wound. There is nothing I can do at all to fix it, only she can do that. She went through alot of shit, so much, and I left her with nothing to fall back on. I despise myself for it, and even more so the things i did to drown out the knowledge of how horrid of a person I am. And the things i've done just made me worse of a person. I've grown alot since this all began. I've live a little more, learned alot more. And here I am, I find myself wanting her just simply to speak to me. Its not going to happen though. I'm sure the mere mention of my name makes her cringe a little. Despises me, disgusted with me, but i think most of all shes disappointed in me. I'm sorry I let her down. But as she said lets leave well enough as it is.

She asked how long, my answer, forever, truthfully forever.