Shes my "Chrisopher Robin" and i'm "Pooh" bear (winnie the pooh that is). Only I know what i'm talking about when i write that. But Katlin is my CR, i'll explain someday. She's not speaking to me. I understand it though, I would to if i were her. I have this image burned into my mind of her just walking away, having not utterted a single word to me. It hurts me, but I don't mind, I deserve it, I broke hers. She once said she forgave me, I know in my heart she didn't. It still hurts her, I think it hurts her still when she sees me or even sees words that I write. I do know all the shit she went through with us, I acknowledge that. She would have given up everything to be with me. I loved her, I really did, still do. She really is always in my heart. I wanted to fight with her, but I was a coward. I gave in and didn't fight. I am a coward!!! I gave in, just laid down to die, didn't even try. Part of me wants to believe that it was best for her, but I know really I just let her down. I tell my self it was the best for her, as if trying to make myself feel better. I didn't keep my promise.

She feels naive for believing me. But I was naive too. I wanted to believe that somehow it'd work out fine in the end, that somehow things would work out for us. It would all be ok. I was never tired of her, so far from it. When ever I look at her, I wish she could see the emotions that are still within me. I do still love, I still think of her, want to be with her. I have these feelings. An then in the back of my mind I hear the conversation I had with her mother on the phone once. If she would have left her family cause they were being so ridiculous, it wouldn't be so simple. I would be in jail, and thats a big deal. More than anything I wanted to be with her, but is it ok to admit that I was scared out of my mind. I was a coward, rather than standing up and facing my problem, I just crawled away with my tail between my legs. Ran away, tried to hide myself away from everything. As if somehow if I distanced myself, I would somehow forget. And look where I am now. Back where I started. But i'm admitting that I was a coward I ran away and left you to fend for yourself. I would be weary of myself as well. How could i leave her, why did I let her slip away, shes the most amazing person, pure-hearted, good soul. And i punched a hole straight through her heart.

I know words can't patch up that wound. There is nothing I can do at all to fix it, only she can do that. She went through alot of shit, so much, and I left her with nothing to fall back on. I despise myself for it, and even more so the things i did to drown out the knowledge of how horrid of a person I am. And the things i've done just made me worse of a person. I've grown alot since this all began. I've live a little more, learned alot more. And here I am, I find myself wanting her just simply to speak to me. Its not going to happen though. I'm sure the mere mention of my name makes her cringe a little. Despises me, disgusted with me, but i think most of all shes disappointed in me. I'm sorry I let her down. But as she said lets leave well enough as it is.

She asked how long, my answer, forever, truthfully forever.