~~This is the rest of the story that person sent me. I must say, they seem to be quite intelligent. Which is a rare and beautiful thing. This person will forever remain anonymous to me, but I respect that, and it actually kind of pleases me, cause their reply to my query is the complete truth, and I agree with them too. By the way if you do choose to keep reading my blogger, Thank you again~~


"The Awakening"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also lean that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for you life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and that everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility, You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

-Author Unknown-


The above is the complete text of the message I received. I believe in life that there are certain things, places, people, and moments that are meant to have a great impact on our life, that are meant to make us stop and think, and that are meant to touch our lives in ways we never knew. This message was one of those things for me and I only hope that it will have the impact on you that it did on me.

I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. It's always slightly disheartening when the word "horrible" and "friend" are in the same sentence. I understand how deceitful people can appear at times in the things they say and do; I've been down that road a time or two. When faced with a dilemma such as yours, I came across some advice that has helped me past it...
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense
of those who think they talk sense.
-Robert Frost-

I know how easily anger can overcome you when betrayed by a friend, but just take a moment and remember why this person is a friend; and know that by forgiving them you are forgiving yourself because forgiveness not only builds friendships, but character as well.

In response to your query of my identity, I believe that anonymity can give any interaction between people both openness and privacy. My anonymity is ideal because, like with your Blogger, you are able to vent about each moment of your life whether good, bad, or indifferent without worry of an acquaintance meddling through your personal thoughts.

And with that I will close this by saying;

Be happy for this moment....this moment is your life.

Take care.
-------

These are quotes I got from someone off of bolt.com they answered a few of my tagbook questions, so I checked out there profile and found a lot of cool quotes. Enjoy.

*Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy

*Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time - Thomas Merton

*We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly - Sam Keen

*I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief - Gerry Spence

*You have to be first, best, or different - Loretta Lynn

*Just fuck 'em, fuck 'em all - Joseph W.P. (exboyfriend) pertaining to wut ppl think of me...

*Don't be afraid of death... be afraid of the unlived life - "Tuck Everlasting"

*Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut - Robert Newton Deck

*What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson

*Never let anything in life be too hard - Vanyssa Smythe (my friend)

*... to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is your very skin - J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

*After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure - J.K. Rowling

*The trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them - J.K. Rowling

*People say "I love you" all the time, it doesn't mean anything - "Ghost"

*You can sleep when you're dead, do things while you're alive - _Lady_Bug_

*No two eyes see the same world - Fijitsu commercial

*When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying

*You once asked me which was more important you or my life. I said my life and you walked away, never knowing that you are my life.

*You never truly get over someone, you just learn to live without them.

*What do you do when the only person that makes you laugh, makes you cry?

*If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were

*I wanna die peacefully, just like grandpa, in his sleep... not screaming like the passenger in his car - ?

*Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone sees it...but only you can feel the warmth

*I've loved, I've lost, but I've ultimately learned to be a better person at any cost... - me (5/6/03 6:11pm MST)

*It doesn't matter how you look, or how other people look at you--what's important is how you look at yourself - David Klass (You Don't Know Me)

*Who are this young couple that walk together up No-View Alley, hand in hand, completely unmindful of the whooshing wind and the flocculent snow? They appear to be old friends, or perhaps new lovers--interestingly enough, in the Lashasa Palulu language, the two terms are rather similar... - David Klass

*Life can throw me a shit sandwhich and I'll just keep chewing on it, I suppose, until my teeth rot, but atleast no one can say I was a pessimist

*Who ever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all was an idiot. I can't ever really remember being happy, but I know I wasn't always sad. Then love comes and I was knew I was happy. I felt happier than anyone on the entire earth. Then love left me all alone and not only was I not happy I was sad. Tormented. Before I was happy, I didn't know what it was like to be happy so I could never miss it if I never was. But after being happy, all you want is another taste. You go on wishing for one more day, one more hour, one more minute, just one more second... and it eats you away wondering 'what if' and 'what now'. You spend the rest of time starving for happiness, when before you were just content to be empty.

I especcially like this last quote

*~*Just when you think no one really cares, someone you don't even know, decides to visit and pop there sweet head through your door of life. I recieved a pleasing email this afternoon, from an anonymous person. Who I have no clue who they are. But I thought I'd share the email with you. It sounds like a mix from Coach Kear and Rebecca. But whoever it is, is right, it is an awakening.*~*


http://www.respectoriginality.blogspot.com

Things have changed I see. After reading your entry, a quote came to my mind -

"You must not lose faith in humanity.
Humanity is an ocean;
if a few drops of the ocean are dirty,
the ocean does not become dirty."
-Mahatma Gandhi-

I was sorry to hear in the previous entry that things were not going to well for you. I received a message once that helped me greatly when I was struggling and I thought that it might be wise to pass it on to you.

"The Awakening"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

This is only an excerpt from the message I received. I didn't feel it my place to overload you with it all unless you would truly like to read it. So if you would, let me know.

I hope all with your new, private site goes well. And remember "Happiness depends upon ourselves" -Aristotle-

MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Where Are You Now?"

Maybe i'de be better on my own
no one ever seems to understand me
it's easier for me to be alone
but there's still a piece of me that feels so empty
i've been all over the world
i've seen a million different places
but through the crowds and all the faces
i'm still out there looking for you.

[chorus:]
where are you now?
i'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait forever?

I write about the things i'll never know
and i can't find a moment just to slow down
it makes me think i'll never have the chance
to figure out what it's all about
so tell me what it's all about.

[chorus...]

where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
and i still don't know
where are you know?
i'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
what is the chance of finding you out there?
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait
or do I have to wait forever?

MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Are You Happy Now?"

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You could never give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had that all I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?


MICHELLE BRANCH:
"Desperately"
(feat. Jessica Harp)

Something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment,
That maybe we were meant to be
Living our lives seperately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately

[Chorus:]
Oh why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving it in but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately

You looked my way and said "you frustrate me"
Like you're thinking of lines and times
When you and I were you and me
We took our chance out on the street
Then I missed my chance
And chances are it won't be coming back to me

Why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving in, but I should know better
'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
And it strange that things change
But not me wanting you-

So desperately
So desperately

[CHORUS]

I keep giving in but I should know better
I keep giving in but I should know better
So desperately
I want you so desperately

**Just a Quick Note**

Today was abosolutely horrible. I hate people.

Oh and from now on this blogger will be private.

~~Same Old Story All Over Again~~

I'm lonely. It seems I can't find any satisfaction anywhere, from anything, or from anyone, not even from myself. All I seem to be able to do lately is think of the past, the people/friendships that I have lost. I lost Michelle, I lost Rebecca, I lost Erika, I lost Miranda, I lost Shanina, I lost Sara, and now even thought I don't have him I'm losing Kyle. I just seem to shut down in every relationship. I get scared I guess, I quit talking, I pull away. As if trying to avoid as much pain from getting hurt in the future. But in all reality, I never gave the future a chance. Thats the truth, I was too scared of what could happen, rather than letting things pan out on their own. Theres no telling what could have happened, cause I stopped it before it could ever happen. To I regret these things, hell yeah. Every situation haunts me nearly every moment of the day.

Its weird you know, cause sometimes I think I'm alright, and I really am alright, and in a split second, with someone saying one simple thing, it sets me off, and then I can't stop thinking about it. With Miranda, its her saying shes not over me. With Nina its her saying I don't belong to her anymore so she can't do anything about it. With Sara, its her saying she'll be ok someday. With Rebecca, (damn her), its her saying you caught me on the right night, I'm vulnerable.

Ok and basically the whole reason I'm writing all of this, is because of Rebecca. Damn her, damn her. I really can't stand her sometimes. I can be fine without her, and then hang out with her, and think were just friends now, its all cool. Even though I'm still nervous as hell everytime I'm around her. And then she pops off and says something like that. And I know, I know, that she doesn't really want to be with me, its happened how many times before, 2 or 3. Everytime shes come to me, shes just been confused, or wanted play. Never generally just to be with me, why? Cause shes too indecisive about what she wants, or because shes too damn busy and can hardly find spare time for anyone. I understand this, I really do. Dammit, why did she have to say that the other night. You see I knew that if I pursued anything it wouldn't be right. And only till a few days later, did I know how right I was. The next day, she got to hang out my Mayra, the girl she really likes, and the words she wrote that haunt me, are and I got to kiss her too.

You see with all of my other ex's, I don't really miss anything, not really any regrets, I'm just lonely as hell, and they know I'm vulnerable, and so in their own unconscious way of thinking they tease me. I don't really want these people, or to date them, but when I'm lonely I find myself wanting to be with them, to hold them, to kiss them. But I can't do that cause it wouldn't be right, cause I know in my heart I don't really want them. But I've also come to realize lately, that I'm in the position that a good friend of mine was in. I am still in love with someone, even though I never really had them. Gee who could I be talking about? Miss Rebecca of course. Everything I've ever wanted in a person, I've found in her. I just love who she is. We never really dated. She may say we did, but technically we didn't, we just had moments. Moments I wish I could have every day. She sent me lyrics to a song after one of our dates, and everytime in the car, I think of those lyrics, "Passenger Seat." I long for those moments we had, I just wish that she could be sitting next to me in the car, as I drive along. I'm in the car so much, and 99% of the time I am by myself. I wish I could get her to understand how I feel about her. But our timing is never right, she is always wanting someone else. The reason none of my relationships worked out this year is because I never fully wanted to be with the person I was with, I always wanted to be with her, and then when I had her, she wanted someone else.

Ahhhh.... WHY CAN'T SHE SEE, I want her so much. Can't she see, how nervous I am around her, how much I try not to like her, how she drives me crazy, how much I love her eyes, her smile, her hair, how shes taller than me and how when she hugs me always touches her chin on top of my head, how much I love her mind, how I can tell shes frustrated, when shes happy, when shes upset. I love how everytime we talk, we end up talking about the stars. Why can't she see how much it drives me crazy when she talks about other people, can't she see how jumbled up when I try to think of something to tell her. I miss her touch, the way she just wrapped her arms around me, I miss her kiss, I miss looking into her eyes, I miss just sitting around a simple playground talking of nothing at all, I miss the days of cool pants, I miss our random talks on the internet, I miss being asked what I'd do with a purple hippopatomus. I miss so much about our past, friendships or more. Doesn't she know that I want to be perfect for her. I want to be everything for her, but I can't cause I am only me. I want to be the person she needs and wants, but I am only me. I'd do anything for her.

Lol its kind of funny when reality slaps you in the face. Cause it seems like just yesterday I was the one helping Rebecca realize that shes not over Analise. And here I am realizing I'm not over something, that never really happened. Funny out situations can flip. I don't know what to do or what I want. I suppose I'd like for her to look into my eyes and tell me to forget about her, to forget out us ever being together, and just to get over it. I wish she could do that. I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop thinking of her with every song I hear, I wish I could stop wondering what and how shes doing everytime I drive down the road, I wish all of the things could happen, but that doesn't mean that they'll come true. So come on Rebecca, just call me, just email me, write about me in your blogger, just tell me that I'm wasting my time, tell me to forget about it. So come one tell me once again theres someone else out there for me. Hell JUST TELL ME SOMETHING, or have you forgotten about me. I wish you weren't so busy. I wish I could know if you still read this damn thing.

Dammit I'm going fucking crazy, I'm sick of thinking about all of this.

Well my eyes burn right now, I'm partly high (from the fumes from dyeing my hair...again), I've taken half of a hydrocoden so I can go to sleep. I'm tired physically and mentally. I have a game tomorrow morning at 10:00, so I have to get up at 6:00. So I probably should go now. And like my motto says: always keep/have faith, and keep hope alive. LATERS

Oh yeah don't forget to turn ya'lls clocks back an hour, its daylight savings today (saturday), yay an extra hour of sleep.

Damn, its only 11:00, it feels like 2:00 a.m.



HOOBASTANK:
"Running Away"

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?



SYSTEM OF A DOWN:
"ATWA"

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore.

Hey you, are me, not so pretty,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
Silent my voice, I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see, anymore,
I don't hear, anymore,
I don't speak anymore,
I don't feel.

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep, anymore,
I don't eat, anymore,
I don't live anymore,
I don't feel.

~~One Word: Damn~~

Its been along time since I have written I know, yet I'm on the computer every single day, for hours at a time. Everytime I think or well I know that I need to write, I need to write, but I'd just rather go to sleep. So I end up falling asleep. I've come to terms and understanding with my sleep lately. I've come to understand that my sleeping habits are hell, and get me into ALOT of trouble. Really they do.

Life the last few weeks, to simply put it, have been hell. Or well really shitty. Well I guess its been about 3 weeks now. My mom got put in the hospital for 6 days, she had pneumonia. Which was most likely an effect of her chemo treatment, or well her treatment makes her more prone to infections and viruses because her immune system is low. My dad came up to school and told me what was going on. It scared the shit out of me. The thought of losing my mom is just so horrible, theres not really any true words for it. But yeah it was a really hard time, and it still is, cause now I have that constant thought, my mom is not ok, not in this moment in time, and won't be for some time to come. Its a very scary situation to me, and I've made it known to my friends, so they can know what I am the way I am sometimes. Either very stressed or very depressed.

Ok and I haven't written about it yet, although I've thought about it a million times. Although I'm not going to go into details on it though. On September 15 and 16th one of my dreams came true. The first night I finally got to go to a Hanson concert in Deep Ellum and it was by far really awesome (need to know details of why it was). The second night I actually got to meet Hanson at their concert in Austin, it was even more awesome. Lol.


**College**
Ok and Last week, I finally got my acceptance letter from Northwood University, at their Cedar Hill campus. I received $4,000 from their free-enterprise grant, and I also received $1,500 for a Texas freshman grant. So its actually $2,500 more than I received from the Michigan campus. This last saturday mom and I went to the preview at the school. The weekend before mom and I drove through the campus to see what it looked like, beautiful. At the preview I officially fell in love with the school, more so than before. And FINALLY it helped my mom to realize why I want to go to this college so badly. I learned something new, its a liberal school, no set religion, very small campus (means knowing teachers on a personal basis, as well as with the other students), the dorms kick ass. And most of all the thing I got to realize, the people there are freaking AWESOME, everyone is so nice there, and its not an act at all. Total the college has about 700 students at Cedar Hill, and only about 200 people live on campus. The campus is very beautiful, I love the soccer field.

So yeah I didn't have any games last weekend, so on sunday I went up by myself, and went to the girls game. During the game, I met a few parents and joined in conversations around me, and they were all so nice. Now the soccer team is NAIA, so that means the only people watching, are basically all family members. After the game, I went and introduced myself to both of the coaches. Both were very nice and seemed very interested in me, especially since I made a personal apperance. Oh yeah the girls tied 1-1. Then after I left from talking to them, I walked back, and one of the parents asked how it went. And I said good, and one of the players she was talking to asked me if I was going to come play with them next year. I told them my story (already accepted there, etc, and just working on getting on the team). But I met 3 of the girls officially. The main girl that talked to me was Misti, the one I watched primarily the whole game, she is great, not to mention really cute, lol. But nah... all of the girls were really nice and supportive. Well they had another game on wednesday, so I got out of school early, during 2nd period, and left and got Kyle (lol I convinced him to go). And we went and watched. They won 3-0, it was a good game, lol Misti didn't play cause she got a red card in the sunday game. After the game I hung around to catch some of the girls. As we were walking out, I was really aiming towards talking to Misti. Its really easy to talk to her, seriously we connected when we first me, like our personalities are alot alike (and please realize I say connection, as with people, not as a relationship). So yeah as we were walking out I caught Misti's eye, and she came over and talked to me. I teased her about having to sit on the bench. She asked if I was coming to the game on saturday, and I told her since I didn't have a game, that I'd be there. So thats what I'm doing tomorrow is going to another NU game, by myself, mom can't go. But I like watching the games by myself, its more peaceful, and more personal, plus it makes other people more curious about who you are.

Oh yeah at the preview, I met a girl named Jennifer Harris, she saw I was wearing my varsity soccer shirt, so she asked if I was interested in playing, and I told her my story. And she told me she played for Coach Turner last year (this is only his 2nd year at NU), and that she graduated last year, she is a admissions counselor now at NU. She told me that he is a really good coach, and that she really enjoyed playing for him. So well she was at the game wednesday, and she recognized me and came over and talked to me, she told me Coach Turner told her that I came to the game on sunday and introduced myself. He said he appreciated it, and that it was good, cause he is really looking for recruits. Jennifer is really cool, and was really supportive of my interest. Hell everyone there that I've told my story to, is really supportive, even if I just told them I wanted to play there, they were supportive. I swear I keep falling more in love with this college. I can't wait till tomorrow, I'm really excited to go see them. Then on sunday I have a club game at 10:00, I might die. Lol. Tomorrow is supposed to be there last game this season, unless they're going to area, which they should be. Up until 2 weeks ago they were 6th in the nation, then they lost 2 games and tied one, so they weren't sure when I asked. But if they do go to area, I'm going to try and go watch them play. I'm trying to show the coach and the team how serious I am about wanting to play there, and to show my commitment. But one of the athletic directors told me, that one of the cool things about a NAIA team, is that you can actually come up and practice with them. And plus they told me the coach probably wouldn't contact me until after the season is over. So hopefully I'll be practicing with them, sometime soon in the future.

Oh yeah, if you haven't been able to tell, I've calmed down alot with the whole college thing, I'm not as scared anymore. Granted I don't want to leave my friends, but right now I'm focusing on the moment I'm in, rather than the moment I'll be in later.


~~Highschool~~
So yeah my class grades have drastically gone down hill the last week or so. My accounting teacher all of the sudden felt like speeding up class. And I didn't understand a damn thing she talked about. Now you have to understand she doesn't really talk, she basically reads us our assignment and then tells us to come get in line if we have questions. And if you know me, you know I hate asking questions. One cause I'm really shy, and two cause I'm really modest. Lol are those the same thing? I have no clue. But yeah I hate having to get up and ask a question, it makes me fell stupid, and when I do go up there, I feel rushed cause there is someone else behind me in line, and plus she explains it to me too fast. And I can only remember one thing out of like five, seriously. I'm a very slow learnerbut then again I'm not. Like for directions you have to go slowly on them for me to learn, I'm not the type where you have to explain the same thing 5 different times, cause once I understand what to do I'm very good at it. I'm just not good with directions. Probably cause I'm ADD, and I zone out really quickly, I get distracted very easily. I'm not joking, my brother Kyle is ADD, and they've basically refused to diagnose me with it. And me and some of the girls have determined that the reason I fall asleep so much is because, one I'm anemic, and two I don't get enough sleep (cause I have insomnia). Lol wow that really contradicts itself. But seriosuly I really can't help my sleeping patterns, cause when I want to fall asleep I can't, and when I don't I do fall asleep. And its funny cause people tell me to drink coffee or something with caffeine in it, but in all truth caffeine has no effect on me.

But yeah in English, on the last two papers we were supposed to write, what I did write, really sucked. Seriously my teacher wrote on my rough draft that some of my stuff was savageable but most of it needed to be chunked. And I knew beforehand that my paper sucked. I was supposed to turn in the finaly copy tuesday (everyone was), then she changed it to wednesday, then thursday, then to today. Which everyone did turn theres in today, but she told me to go ahead and work on mine over the weekend, since I was basically rewriting a completely new paper. Our paper is over language, anything really about it, my prompt I originally chose was ethnic minorities and how coming to our country and having to learn a new language-how it might cause them to lose some identity. ETC. or something like that. And now I'm thinking about doing the prompt, that talks about how some people can use a language as a tool or weapon, etc. But I really have no idea what to write about, its frustrating. And well we were supposed to write along essay over the charcteristics of an Epic, for part of our Beowulf test. I didn't do it, I had no clue what to write about. Partly cause well I fell asleep for the last third of the story. Damn I need to get my act together.

Ok and now for my economics class. Well simply, economics is boring, or my class is atleast, especially since I took it this summer. This class I'm either zoned out now, or I'm asleep. I piss myself of alot in this class too.

But in general for all of these classes I'm doing ok, making average daily grade and all that, a few bad quizzes, but passing test grades. Until this last week. I finally kicked myself in the ass the last two days, and got my ass in gear, and forced myself to pay attention and to come after school to catch up, and to skip my precious trainer visit for the day. I'm not lazy, just complicated, lol. I know what I need to do, its just a matter of getting myself to do it. And I've finally found a way to do that. So I'm pleased with myself now, or well not frustrated I should say.


!!Ok now back to the random stuff!!
Ok so dad really pissed me off a few weeks ago. And he said some stuff he really didn't need to say, very hurtful things. So I haven't been speaking to him for the last two weeks (or since the women's world cup consolation game).

Speaking up of the U.S. National team, I'm going to go watch them play Mexico at the Cotton Bowl, on the 2nd. Me, my mom, my brother Brian, and my friend Kim are going. I have seats in the 63rd row in section 4, good seats to me. I'm extremely excited. I have a game right before that, so I'll be going in my uniform, and I'll have 45 minutes to get there.

Umm... I went on my first date with a guy last weekend. His name is Kyle Marsh, hes a freshman, he plays frenchhorn in band, plays tennis, plays guitar at home (and I mean actually plays), hes really cute, and very sweet, and has hair a little shorter than me (but he pulls off the long hair thing, quite well). We went bowling. It was pretty fun, even though we only got to hang out for like 45 minutes, cause he had band contest that night and didn't get in till later. But I had fun. I'm not sure what to do though, I mean the whole dating thing, especially with a guy, I'm just not good at it, I don't know what to do. Like how to act, or where we should go, or any of that. I have no idea. Both of us have been too busy this week to discuss it, we're both busy this weekend, so we can't do anything this weekend. I talked to him last night for like 15 minutes then he had to go. Lol half the time we were talking he thought I was someone else, is older sister to be exact. He said we sound exactly alike. You know what the ironic thing is? His older sister's name in Errin, and my older brother's name is Kyle. How crazy is that? Its really funny, I think he was really embarassed when he figured out who he was really talking to. But it was a great moment. I hope he wants to go on a 2nd date sometime, but we haven't really had time to figure that out. He keeps telling one of friends he is, so I suppose he is, hes too honest to lie. But enough about that.

Oh yeah, I got a cat about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Hes really cute, he can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but hey hes a kitten he doesn't know any better. Guess what his name is? Its Orion. Is that weird? I mean does the personal meaning behind it make it seem weird? Meh... oh well.

Umm... i think thats about all, except that I have some really kick ass friends. My football buddies to be exact, lol. Ashlee, Sissy, Maggie, Taylor Koepke, Ayla and some of the other girls from class and the trainer. They make me feel great, and loved. I love these girls, they are all amazing girls, who are hilarious. They are what make me feel at home in Granbury.

But ok, I'm done writing now, not really any details on all of it. But I finally wrote. And now I am going to go to bed. So hopefully maybe I'll write sometime soon. Laters







“Creativity is jazz without the music” Jack Allday (one of my soon to be professors)

I've been trying to figure out who sings this first song for like ever, and I finally found out today. Oh and by the way, these are the first lyrics I've posted since April 15th.

LIZ PHAIR:
"Why Can't I?"

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but > heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you


BLESSID UNION OF SOULS:
"Standing At The Edge Of The Earth"

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye

So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side

And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me

I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday

And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me

I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day....
I will see you