~~Dreams Again~~
I still think dream are crazy. I really think that dreams are our subconscious talking to us. I know I think about alot of different things, sometimes of a very minimal amount, but then I'll dream about it. I had a really psychotic dream this morning. It involved all of my family at home and Gina. Ok I just remember it starting out that my mom and Bee were fighting and I didn't know why, then my brothers brought this tv out, and started playing this video, and it was Bee having sex with all these women, then I flipped out on Bee and started screaming at him. And then another video came on, and Bee was drving the lexus and like street racing in our very own driveway and driving like a bat out of hell, going over hills at highspeeds, etc. Well then I flipped out on him again. Mom started crying and she sat down beside Gina and gina wrapped her arms around her and was telling her it would be ok, and then I did the same from the other side. Then I felt the notion to tell Gina I loved her, but I didn't because it wasn't the right time.
Well then a little bit later, I started flatting out this huge tin sheet on to our driveway because Bee had messed it up. And then my brother Brian comes out and he gets mad, he was like what are you doing thats mine that your using. And he got all pissed, I was like big deal, I'm trying to fix the driveway. So he got pissed and drove off. Well then Kyle comes outside with a handful of movies, and he was going to put them in his motorcycle (which he doesn't have anymore). And I was like what are you doing, he was like nothing, and he started his motorcycle, but it turned into a convertable car, which turned out to be moms car. Well I was like are any of those mine, he was like maybe. So I got in the car, and he started backing up in our driveway and the drove over the tin that I was putting down, which he kept backing up for like forever, over all these hills (which for some reason there were no trees around). Then I found what was mine, which were some poster boards that I had made. Well then he was like so test drive, my head against the steering wheel and you and your poster boards. Then he put the car in drive and started halling ass over all these hills, and I was screaming at him, don't do this Kyle. I was flipping out and I could see our house getting closer and closer and I could see someone infront of the garage, and he wasn't stopping. And then I started to think I was going to throw my poster boards out of the car and then jump out but I didn't want to ruin them, so I was going to wait a little bit longer and jump out. Then I woke up.
Is that not insane. Well I have to go to class I'll write more later, I have to write about camp, and what happened when I got back, etc. Laters.
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Monday, June 30, 2003
~*~Dazed and Confused---Lost and Delirious~*~
I've been like super confused lately. Or well just being to damn indecisive. Here lately I've been getting depressed again, as in I feel like cutting myself, and all that random stuff. I've been really thinking about breaking up with Shanina. I mean I live in GR she lives in Granbury. I hardly ever see her, cause one I'm working, and two I've been taking economics, and anytime I'd get to see her was late at night, and then that makes me always tired. And yeah I just got a second job, so guess what that makes it harder. I just feel like its not really a relationship, unless I'm literally with her, but thats the point I hardly ever get to be with her (as in being near her, not like being with her sexually). Plus I've got like a bazillion other things on my mind, well not a bazillion literally, just alot. I keep having feelings for alot of other people. At camp I had three huge crushes, one on a girl named Nicole, shes from Louisiana and the others name is Amanda shes from Alvin, the others name is Sarah shes from San Angelo (we play her in high school, I actually knew her before camp). All of which I didn't get their address, if its fate, we'll meet again. Ok and local crushes. Bree and Gina, both make me very curious on if they are gay or not. And anyone who knows me, knows I'm not going to like a girl unless I think they're atleast somewhat gay. And I also like this girl that I work with, Kathryn (sp?). And I can't forget Sara (the girl from Hawaii), shes badass but I don't get to meet her for awhile. Oh and damn the one constant person that I'm always interested in, is Rebecca. When it comes to her I just can't help it.
Ok so yeah, I don't really want to be with Nina anymore because I'm never really with her. Make sense? I love her and all, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. Oh I forgot she just found out shes going to be getting alot more hours at work, so less time with me. Rafael is supposed to be back soon. More time with him, less with me. So I don't know, I don't want to tell her, cause then I'm afraid of hurting her, and all that stuff. But also you know, when she came back from camp she told me that she had to be good. As in no physical stuff, which I guess isn't a big deal but then again it is. I feel as if you say no to one thing, sooner or later its going to be no to all of it. Its the whole church thing that makes me uncomfortable, with her that is. I feel like shes using it against me, to make me feel guilty. I hate it when people use religion against me. But yeah I also feel like she doesn't really want me, like she never really kisses me, or touches me, its always me making the effort. Its just so frustrating. I swear why can't i find a beautiful person, inside and out, who loves me for me, expects nothing of me but just for me to be me. Why can't I find someone who I connect with mentally and physically. Why can't I find someone who wants the same thing as me. But really why the hell am I worry about this. I'm 17, why the hell do I have drama.
Anyways...
So I got a second job!! Its at Dinosaur Valley State Park, I'm working in the park store. Its really cool, I like it alot out there, I just started on friday. Oh after this week I'll be done with my class. I have a test on tuesday, then I have my final on thursday, then I'm done
I've been like super confused lately. Or well just being to damn indecisive. Here lately I've been getting depressed again, as in I feel like cutting myself, and all that random stuff. I've been really thinking about breaking up with Shanina. I mean I live in GR she lives in Granbury. I hardly ever see her, cause one I'm working, and two I've been taking economics, and anytime I'd get to see her was late at night, and then that makes me always tired. And yeah I just got a second job, so guess what that makes it harder. I just feel like its not really a relationship, unless I'm literally with her, but thats the point I hardly ever get to be with her (as in being near her, not like being with her sexually). Plus I've got like a bazillion other things on my mind, well not a bazillion literally, just alot. I keep having feelings for alot of other people. At camp I had three huge crushes, one on a girl named Nicole, shes from Louisiana and the others name is Amanda shes from Alvin, the others name is Sarah shes from San Angelo (we play her in high school, I actually knew her before camp). All of which I didn't get their address, if its fate, we'll meet again. Ok and local crushes. Bree and Gina, both make me very curious on if they are gay or not. And anyone who knows me, knows I'm not going to like a girl unless I think they're atleast somewhat gay. And I also like this girl that I work with, Kathryn (sp?). And I can't forget Sara (the girl from Hawaii), shes badass but I don't get to meet her for awhile. Oh and damn the one constant person that I'm always interested in, is Rebecca. When it comes to her I just can't help it.
Ok so yeah, I don't really want to be with Nina anymore because I'm never really with her. Make sense? I love her and all, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. Oh I forgot she just found out shes going to be getting alot more hours at work, so less time with me. Rafael is supposed to be back soon. More time with him, less with me. So I don't know, I don't want to tell her, cause then I'm afraid of hurting her, and all that stuff. But also you know, when she came back from camp she told me that she had to be good. As in no physical stuff, which I guess isn't a big deal but then again it is. I feel as if you say no to one thing, sooner or later its going to be no to all of it. Its the whole church thing that makes me uncomfortable, with her that is. I feel like shes using it against me, to make me feel guilty. I hate it when people use religion against me. But yeah I also feel like she doesn't really want me, like she never really kisses me, or touches me, its always me making the effort. Its just so frustrating. I swear why can't i find a beautiful person, inside and out, who loves me for me, expects nothing of me but just for me to be me. Why can't I find someone who I connect with mentally and physically. Why can't I find someone who wants the same thing as me. But really why the hell am I worry about this. I'm 17, why the hell do I have drama.
Anyways...
So I got a second job!! Its at Dinosaur Valley State Park, I'm working in the park store. Its really cool, I like it alot out there, I just started on friday. Oh after this week I'll be done with my class. I have a test on tuesday, then I have my final on thursday, then I'm done
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
*~Pool Parties Kick~*
OMG seriously you have no idea how much fun I had today at Rebecca's. Yeah she had a pool party, I got to meet all of her YOU friends and school friends and all that. I wasn't nervous but I wasn't sure how it would go. Yeah I was actually kind of happy that Rebecca had to go with her dad and brothers with the U-haul, cause then I got to hang out with Shands and Celeen. Both of them are awesome by the way. It was really cool just to sit in Rebecca's room and look at everything and watch Shands paint the drum. Or well it was cool just to listen to them, it makes sense why they're friends with Becca, they're so much alike, or well the click really well. But yeah I've really gotten better through out this year about talking to people. And yes I know Becca will say I was being a bum sitting there. But I really was talking to people I didn't know it was really cool. I loved everyone I met tonight, they're all wonderful people, they're good friends I can tell. I don't know, I know they're not really my friends but I felt at home tonight, I felt comfortable. And whenever I was sitting there, "off in my own little world," I was just gloating, I was really happy. And I was absorbing everything and everyone around me, each little thing, I want to remember this night for along time. I'll admit I'd really like to hang out with these people again sometime. I really couldn't believe it, I finally was meeting all these people that I had heard Rebecca talk about so much. It was awesome, and not as weird as I thought it would be, matter of fact it wasn't weird at all.
Tonight was quite an interesting night. Lol yes I know what can I say, I can't help but look at Rebecca and smile, shes so beautiful. Being with her around other people made me so happy, I'm not quite sure, but I think its because I've seen the other side of her, or well I know the full Becca now. It seemed like in the past everytime we were together, things were serious. It made me really happy to see her run around like a maniac, or dancing, or doing that song thing with Celeen (not sure what it was, I didn't catch that). I hope Becca knows how many people love her, I mean there was like 20 people there tonight, and I know thats not even a tenth of the people shes affected. Shes just that type of girl, no matter who you are, you'll be able to get along with her, or like her. Sorry I can't help what I'm saying right now, its just how I feel. Tonight was a good night or Becca and I, I really appreciated her sharing her friends with me, and sharing our friendship. I've missed her alot, and I know I won't get to see her till like August or something like that, just like last summer. I'll miss her then too, but I'll be thinking about tonight for a while to come. Oh I have to mention, piggy-back rides were definately something I didn't expect, although I'm not complaining, lol. I think its really cool how in the long run dating each other hasn't effected our friendship, I still think that one day our timing might be right. But right now I'm very happy and content with Shanina. But if things were to stay forever like they were tonight, I'd be perfectly fine with that. But yeah I have to be honest, I realized tonight that still have some feelings for Rebecca, but I'm not going to dwell on that. But yeah I'm extremely happy we're still friends.
I really did have an awesome time, everyone treated me like was just like another one of there friends. I must say it was really fun doing the pyramid thing, and playing chicken and throwing the ball back and forth. And I talked to people!!! :) Seriously I am extremely happy right now. So to Rebecca, I have to say thank you for a wonderful evening, and thanks for inviting me, have fun at bi-regi, and if I don't talk to you before you go to Europe have fun there too. Speaking of Europe are you going to try and write in your blogger like you did last summer? That'd be cool. Oh and thanks for remembering my RC obsession, that was cool. :) Oh yeah I love you, and thanks for being my friend.
~~Dreams are crazy~~
Yeah I had 3 odd dreams this morning. One involved mom's car, the lexus. There was this person that kept slowing down in front of me and kept swirving in my way, so finally I just clipped the back of there car, barely. And then I stopped later, and there was like this indention the size of a big tree, I was freaking out kind of, I was like mom is going to kill me, don't tell her yet. I asked one of my friends how much damage was done (like in cost), they said like $500, and I was like dude its a lexus, it'll be more than that. So yeah that wasn't that big, I figure I had it cause I'm always really paranoid when I drive the lexus, cause I know if I even make a dent in it my mom will kill me, not literally but still. Ok and the other dream was quite interesting. Ok it started out, I was talking to this girl and there was this chair type thing in front of us, like this thing stuck up in the middle, and then it had 3 seperate chairs sticking out the side of it, and it rotated. And then she was like I've seen one of those before. And I was like they used one in a Hanson video. And right then Zac Hanson walked up, and was like yep it was from ___ (I didn't catch which one), and then like both of his brothers came over and I got to hang out with them for awhile, then we decided we were going to go out to the stadium behind us and play some soccer. Well we started to walk out on this walkway. And Gina was there so I was talking to her, and she came up behind me and hugged me (she does that all the time in real life, but I don't think anything of it), and then like a little later she took me off to the side, and she told me she wanted me, and then she tried to kiss me, but I got a finger up in time (you know like you but a finger to your lips when you're telling someone to be quiet) to stop her, and I was like, I would if I was dating anyone, and she was like I know. And that was it. It was crazy, I guess its cause I always wonder about Gina, I mean I don't think she is gay, but still, I just think it would be bad ass if she was. Anyways, my other dream involved a water slide that me and one of my friends made. Like we tried it out of plastic but we didn't like it. So then we built it out of wood and then we lined it with this plastic stuff, like a huge trash bag. And like all these people came to use it. I don't know, it was just weird, I can't remember all the details on it. Sorry if that bored you.
**Camp**
I leave to go to camp tomorrow, I need to finish packing. And I have to take groceries out of the car. I went to Wal-Mart before I wen to Becca's. When I was leaving I passed Nicci (a.k.a. monkey), from our old Cleburne team, shes crazy but cool, I meant to tell Rebecca but I forgot. Anyways, I couldn't find any pre-wrap individually, so I had to buy this thing that was like $8, it was a taping kit. Yeah I need to sleep. I really hope Jeannie and Sabrina will be at this camp, there supposed to be, but I hope they didn't go to the one that was last week, that would make me sad. But then again, I can talk to people now :) But yeah I need to go, so I'll talk to ya laters!!
OMG seriously you have no idea how much fun I had today at Rebecca's. Yeah she had a pool party, I got to meet all of her YOU friends and school friends and all that. I wasn't nervous but I wasn't sure how it would go. Yeah I was actually kind of happy that Rebecca had to go with her dad and brothers with the U-haul, cause then I got to hang out with Shands and Celeen. Both of them are awesome by the way. It was really cool just to sit in Rebecca's room and look at everything and watch Shands paint the drum. Or well it was cool just to listen to them, it makes sense why they're friends with Becca, they're so much alike, or well the click really well. But yeah I've really gotten better through out this year about talking to people. And yes I know Becca will say I was being a bum sitting there. But I really was talking to people I didn't know it was really cool. I loved everyone I met tonight, they're all wonderful people, they're good friends I can tell. I don't know, I know they're not really my friends but I felt at home tonight, I felt comfortable. And whenever I was sitting there, "off in my own little world," I was just gloating, I was really happy. And I was absorbing everything and everyone around me, each little thing, I want to remember this night for along time. I'll admit I'd really like to hang out with these people again sometime. I really couldn't believe it, I finally was meeting all these people that I had heard Rebecca talk about so much. It was awesome, and not as weird as I thought it would be, matter of fact it wasn't weird at all.
Tonight was quite an interesting night. Lol yes I know what can I say, I can't help but look at Rebecca and smile, shes so beautiful. Being with her around other people made me so happy, I'm not quite sure, but I think its because I've seen the other side of her, or well I know the full Becca now. It seemed like in the past everytime we were together, things were serious. It made me really happy to see her run around like a maniac, or dancing, or doing that song thing with Celeen (not sure what it was, I didn't catch that). I hope Becca knows how many people love her, I mean there was like 20 people there tonight, and I know thats not even a tenth of the people shes affected. Shes just that type of girl, no matter who you are, you'll be able to get along with her, or like her. Sorry I can't help what I'm saying right now, its just how I feel. Tonight was a good night or Becca and I, I really appreciated her sharing her friends with me, and sharing our friendship. I've missed her alot, and I know I won't get to see her till like August or something like that, just like last summer. I'll miss her then too, but I'll be thinking about tonight for a while to come. Oh I have to mention, piggy-back rides were definately something I didn't expect, although I'm not complaining, lol. I think its really cool how in the long run dating each other hasn't effected our friendship, I still think that one day our timing might be right. But right now I'm very happy and content with Shanina. But if things were to stay forever like they were tonight, I'd be perfectly fine with that. But yeah I have to be honest, I realized tonight that still have some feelings for Rebecca, but I'm not going to dwell on that. But yeah I'm extremely happy we're still friends.
I really did have an awesome time, everyone treated me like was just like another one of there friends. I must say it was really fun doing the pyramid thing, and playing chicken and throwing the ball back and forth. And I talked to people!!! :) Seriously I am extremely happy right now. So to Rebecca, I have to say thank you for a wonderful evening, and thanks for inviting me, have fun at bi-regi, and if I don't talk to you before you go to Europe have fun there too. Speaking of Europe are you going to try and write in your blogger like you did last summer? That'd be cool. Oh and thanks for remembering my RC obsession, that was cool. :) Oh yeah I love you, and thanks for being my friend.
~~Dreams are crazy~~
Yeah I had 3 odd dreams this morning. One involved mom's car, the lexus. There was this person that kept slowing down in front of me and kept swirving in my way, so finally I just clipped the back of there car, barely. And then I stopped later, and there was like this indention the size of a big tree, I was freaking out kind of, I was like mom is going to kill me, don't tell her yet. I asked one of my friends how much damage was done (like in cost), they said like $500, and I was like dude its a lexus, it'll be more than that. So yeah that wasn't that big, I figure I had it cause I'm always really paranoid when I drive the lexus, cause I know if I even make a dent in it my mom will kill me, not literally but still. Ok and the other dream was quite interesting. Ok it started out, I was talking to this girl and there was this chair type thing in front of us, like this thing stuck up in the middle, and then it had 3 seperate chairs sticking out the side of it, and it rotated. And then she was like I've seen one of those before. And I was like they used one in a Hanson video. And right then Zac Hanson walked up, and was like yep it was from ___ (I didn't catch which one), and then like both of his brothers came over and I got to hang out with them for awhile, then we decided we were going to go out to the stadium behind us and play some soccer. Well we started to walk out on this walkway. And Gina was there so I was talking to her, and she came up behind me and hugged me (she does that all the time in real life, but I don't think anything of it), and then like a little later she took me off to the side, and she told me she wanted me, and then she tried to kiss me, but I got a finger up in time (you know like you but a finger to your lips when you're telling someone to be quiet) to stop her, and I was like, I would if I was dating anyone, and she was like I know. And that was it. It was crazy, I guess its cause I always wonder about Gina, I mean I don't think she is gay, but still, I just think it would be bad ass if she was. Anyways, my other dream involved a water slide that me and one of my friends made. Like we tried it out of plastic but we didn't like it. So then we built it out of wood and then we lined it with this plastic stuff, like a huge trash bag. And like all these people came to use it. I don't know, it was just weird, I can't remember all the details on it. Sorry if that bored you.
**Camp**
I leave to go to camp tomorrow, I need to finish packing. And I have to take groceries out of the car. I went to Wal-Mart before I wen to Becca's. When I was leaving I passed Nicci (a.k.a. monkey), from our old Cleburne team, shes crazy but cool, I meant to tell Rebecca but I forgot. Anyways, I couldn't find any pre-wrap individually, so I had to buy this thing that was like $8, it was a taping kit. Yeah I need to sleep. I really hope Jeannie and Sabrina will be at this camp, there supposed to be, but I hope they didn't go to the one that was last week, that would make me sad. But then again, I can talk to people now :) But yeah I need to go, so I'll talk to ya laters!!
Sunday, June 15, 2003
**Oh Wow, so much has happened**
Yeah at church wednesday things with Nina and I were awkward kind of, cause I didn't understand what she meant, she wrote me a letter and gave it to me before church started. But yeah Gina asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her and some other girls, so I accepted and I got Nina to go along. Its funny though, I make fun of them all because of it. Like the soccer people like Gina are the popular crowd, and people like Nina are the different people, and then theres me, making them cross each other's boundaries. I simply don't understand the whole clique thing, I've never gone along with it. But yeah so Nina went with me, we saw Bruce Almighty, almost all of us had seen it already. But yeah after a while, Nina and I started to hold hands, which kind of surprised me. When we got out of the movies, Gina's sister and this other girl were holding hands, being stupid, and Gina goes "thats very lesbianic of you." Just joking around, I don't care, I've just been wondering if they saw me and Nina and were giving us a hard time. These people are pretty cool here in Granbury, they are very open-minded. But anyways, when we came outside there was a storm coming in and it had some really awesome lightning, so Nina and I stopped at this church parking lot across from the school, and we sat there for more than an hour watching the storm. It was cool, then she told me that she didn't know why she told me she need some more time, she told me that once we got off the phone she knew she had made a mistake, and that she tried to call me back, but it didn't work (cause its long distance).
So yeah she told me yes, and we're back together. She left for camp yesterday morning at 5:00. I managed to gripe my way out of work friday, no one was there to swim anyways, and I was covering for someone as well. And I needed to go shopping for my camp. So yeah I got to Nina's at like 2:30, and we went up to Hulen and around there. I got some pretty cool stuff, it made me happy. We went and ate at Chili's, she had never eaten there before. Then we went back to her house, got there about 8:30 or so. Then we hung around for awhile, and eventually she called her dad, and he let her come over to my house until right before she had to leave. So she came over and we watched Better than Chocolate. Well I was really tired taking her home, but I was still ok though. Lol I got pulled over like 10 yards from her house, it was freaking hilarious. Yeah two cop cars pulled up behind me. Two cops got out of the car, one came to me and the other to Nina's side, they shined the flashlights in the backseat. They said they had a complaint that I was tailgating, which I wasn't I might have swirved some because I was looking at the fog in the fields, and I might have gotten close to car a few times, but most of the time I was within the legal space between two cars (which is the length of 3 or 4 cars). So yeah he asked what I was doing, and I told him I was bringing her home because she has to leave for a church camp, he was like well where were you coming from, I told him my house, and he asked if that was in Glen Rose, I said yes. So he went and checked out my liscense to see if there was any other stuff on it, which there wasn't. So he came back and gave me my liscense and told me to be safe going home. It was really hilarious. But yeah I'm kind of sad cause I didn't get a goodbye kiss, and I won't see her till next Monday probably. I gave her my calling card, but I'm not sure she'll be able to call me. Yeah I miss her already.
~~Miranda~~
She was supposed to be home last night. I called her cell phone and left a message, but she hasn't called me back yet, so maybe shes not home yet. Who knows, I think I pissed her off or something. I wrote her and email, cause she gave me one to where it would get to her while she was gone. I just apologized and told her to read my blogger (but she probably hasn't had time to read it yet). She probably hates me now, but I don't blame her. I've missed talking to her though.
**Rebecca**
She never ceases to amaze me. I got on to planetout last night, and what do I see, 1 new email. Now I thought it was from Sara, but when I got it up, I saw the subject first, and it said "So hi..." and I was like huh someone new, then I saw the address, dabopgk. And I was like what, you've got to be kidding me. I've been wanting her to email me for awhile now, and come to find out she did email me, on the 5th. I was really surprised. I checked out her profile, she has some good pictures on it, I don't have any cute pictures. Yeah I miss her.
!!Speaking of Pictures!!
I got my pictures developed the weekend after graduation. Most of them are from Kear's soccer party. But I have these two that I took of Miranda on the way back from graduation, cause we took a different road and we happened to find this restaurant called Miranda's, and they had this painted bug out front. So yeah those pictures are soooo cute. My pictures made me happy, especially all the soccer ones.
Anyways, I have to go get ready for work, so I will talk to ya laters!!
Yeah at church wednesday things with Nina and I were awkward kind of, cause I didn't understand what she meant, she wrote me a letter and gave it to me before church started. But yeah Gina asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her and some other girls, so I accepted and I got Nina to go along. Its funny though, I make fun of them all because of it. Like the soccer people like Gina are the popular crowd, and people like Nina are the different people, and then theres me, making them cross each other's boundaries. I simply don't understand the whole clique thing, I've never gone along with it. But yeah so Nina went with me, we saw Bruce Almighty, almost all of us had seen it already. But yeah after a while, Nina and I started to hold hands, which kind of surprised me. When we got out of the movies, Gina's sister and this other girl were holding hands, being stupid, and Gina goes "thats very lesbianic of you." Just joking around, I don't care, I've just been wondering if they saw me and Nina and were giving us a hard time. These people are pretty cool here in Granbury, they are very open-minded. But anyways, when we came outside there was a storm coming in and it had some really awesome lightning, so Nina and I stopped at this church parking lot across from the school, and we sat there for more than an hour watching the storm. It was cool, then she told me that she didn't know why she told me she need some more time, she told me that once we got off the phone she knew she had made a mistake, and that she tried to call me back, but it didn't work (cause its long distance).
So yeah she told me yes, and we're back together. She left for camp yesterday morning at 5:00. I managed to gripe my way out of work friday, no one was there to swim anyways, and I was covering for someone as well. And I needed to go shopping for my camp. So yeah I got to Nina's at like 2:30, and we went up to Hulen and around there. I got some pretty cool stuff, it made me happy. We went and ate at Chili's, she had never eaten there before. Then we went back to her house, got there about 8:30 or so. Then we hung around for awhile, and eventually she called her dad, and he let her come over to my house until right before she had to leave. So she came over and we watched Better than Chocolate. Well I was really tired taking her home, but I was still ok though. Lol I got pulled over like 10 yards from her house, it was freaking hilarious. Yeah two cop cars pulled up behind me. Two cops got out of the car, one came to me and the other to Nina's side, they shined the flashlights in the backseat. They said they had a complaint that I was tailgating, which I wasn't I might have swirved some because I was looking at the fog in the fields, and I might have gotten close to car a few times, but most of the time I was within the legal space between two cars (which is the length of 3 or 4 cars). So yeah he asked what I was doing, and I told him I was bringing her home because she has to leave for a church camp, he was like well where were you coming from, I told him my house, and he asked if that was in Glen Rose, I said yes. So he went and checked out my liscense to see if there was any other stuff on it, which there wasn't. So he came back and gave me my liscense and told me to be safe going home. It was really hilarious. But yeah I'm kind of sad cause I didn't get a goodbye kiss, and I won't see her till next Monday probably. I gave her my calling card, but I'm not sure she'll be able to call me. Yeah I miss her already.
~~Miranda~~
She was supposed to be home last night. I called her cell phone and left a message, but she hasn't called me back yet, so maybe shes not home yet. Who knows, I think I pissed her off or something. I wrote her and email, cause she gave me one to where it would get to her while she was gone. I just apologized and told her to read my blogger (but she probably hasn't had time to read it yet). She probably hates me now, but I don't blame her. I've missed talking to her though.
**Rebecca**
She never ceases to amaze me. I got on to planetout last night, and what do I see, 1 new email. Now I thought it was from Sara, but when I got it up, I saw the subject first, and it said "So hi..." and I was like huh someone new, then I saw the address, dabopgk. And I was like what, you've got to be kidding me. I've been wanting her to email me for awhile now, and come to find out she did email me, on the 5th. I was really surprised. I checked out her profile, she has some good pictures on it, I don't have any cute pictures. Yeah I miss her.
!!Speaking of Pictures!!
I got my pictures developed the weekend after graduation. Most of them are from Kear's soccer party. But I have these two that I took of Miranda on the way back from graduation, cause we took a different road and we happened to find this restaurant called Miranda's, and they had this painted bug out front. So yeah those pictures are soooo cute. My pictures made me happy, especially all the soccer ones.
Anyways, I have to go get ready for work, so I will talk to ya laters!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
**Thinking**
I've been thinking alot about my past, and the people who were in it. I miss Diana (De) and Lisa, Dana, Michelle, Rebecca, and John (ex step-dad). Its not a ton of people I know, but each of these people have had huge impact on me. I keep remembering specific moments in time with each of these people, its weird how memories are. The smallest of things have brought up such important moments. I miss these people, I miss the relationship I had with these people, I miss sharing moments with these people. I wish things wouldn't have changed between me and these people. Whether they went off to college, or the fact that I transferred schools and also told the person that I liked them, or dating a person for awhile, or parents getting divorced. I miss these people so much I don't think they could ever fully understand how much that is.
~~Rebecca~~
I miss her alot, yes I do. I miss our friendship. Things haven't seemed the same since we dated. I miss being able to talk to her about nothing at all, or just simply staring at the stars, or playing the question game. I feel bad for her sometimes, cause there are times when I know shes upset, and I just wish I could be there for her, either for her to vent to or to lend a shouldar to cry on. Now is one of those times I think. I just want her to know how much I care for her, and how important she is to me. I'd do anything for this girl, afterall thats what friends do. If she needed me, as soon as I got the word, I'd hop in the car and go, just like that. She doesn't think she should be praised, but she should, everyone should be praised no matter who they are and no matter what flaws the have. But she is quite amazing, shes is the most unique person I know. So to you Rebecca, I just want to say that I love you, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
!!Anyways!!
I had a test today, I think I did ok on it, but definately not great. I think I did really well on the multiple choice questions, but not so well on the discussion questions (even though I did the entire review, which is what the discussion questions were, but I couldn't remember any of it). Then I had to go to work, 4-9:20. I had to be back of there at 10:45 and I ended up working till 1:25. And now I'm on here. And I'm tired its late for me, I have class tomorrow so I better go to bed. And then maybe I'll go to church tonight (wednesday)(oh Nina still hasn't answered my question, she said shes thinking about it still, which worries me). Well I'm going to go, Laters.
I've been thinking alot about my past, and the people who were in it. I miss Diana (De) and Lisa, Dana, Michelle, Rebecca, and John (ex step-dad). Its not a ton of people I know, but each of these people have had huge impact on me. I keep remembering specific moments in time with each of these people, its weird how memories are. The smallest of things have brought up such important moments. I miss these people, I miss the relationship I had with these people, I miss sharing moments with these people. I wish things wouldn't have changed between me and these people. Whether they went off to college, or the fact that I transferred schools and also told the person that I liked them, or dating a person for awhile, or parents getting divorced. I miss these people so much I don't think they could ever fully understand how much that is.
~~Rebecca~~
I miss her alot, yes I do. I miss our friendship. Things haven't seemed the same since we dated. I miss being able to talk to her about nothing at all, or just simply staring at the stars, or playing the question game. I feel bad for her sometimes, cause there are times when I know shes upset, and I just wish I could be there for her, either for her to vent to or to lend a shouldar to cry on. Now is one of those times I think. I just want her to know how much I care for her, and how important she is to me. I'd do anything for this girl, afterall thats what friends do. If she needed me, as soon as I got the word, I'd hop in the car and go, just like that. She doesn't think she should be praised, but she should, everyone should be praised no matter who they are and no matter what flaws the have. But she is quite amazing, shes is the most unique person I know. So to you Rebecca, I just want to say that I love you, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
!!Anyways!!
I had a test today, I think I did ok on it, but definately not great. I think I did really well on the multiple choice questions, but not so well on the discussion questions (even though I did the entire review, which is what the discussion questions were, but I couldn't remember any of it). Then I had to go to work, 4-9:20. I had to be back of there at 10:45 and I ended up working till 1:25. And now I'm on here. And I'm tired its late for me, I have class tomorrow so I better go to bed. And then maybe I'll go to church tonight (wednesday)(oh Nina still hasn't answered my question, she said shes thinking about it still, which worries me). Well I'm going to go, Laters.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
~~GUESS WHAT!!! I'M A PSYCHO!!!~~
Yeah I really am a psycho. You know how in my last post I was talking about how I really don't want to be the casual "sex" type person, well yeah I figured out that I really am not that type of person. I finally figured out what exactly I was doing, and why I chose certain actions. Yeah I definately can't just make out with someone for the hell of it, I'm just not able to do it. Especially when there are consequences to it. Ok lets put a simplar version on all of this. MIRANDA HATES ME NOW, or should atleast. Yeah for three days straight Miranda and I made out each time we saw each other. I told her I didn't want a relationship with anyone, but I guess I was afraid of just saying not with her, cause that would hurt her. I truly don't believe that I was using her, I didn't want her just for play, granted yeah I did want the physical stuff. But when you use people you won't think anything about what happened. What went on between Miranda and I was special, it did mean something to me. She has changed a great deal since we broke up, and I thought things with Shanina and I were completely over, and everyday I got more curious of what it would be like to get back with her. Yes when it comes to physical stuff between her and I, its great. But emotionally, theres just not something there, theres not that everlasting connection. And well yeah shes a great girl but there are so many things that drive me crazy about her (in a relationship), but those very same things don't bother me by being her friend. We got into a huge fight about this last night and I've been trying to think of a way to help her understand my irrational being. You see in the last month and a half there was nothing going on between us at all, we hardly got to see each other, kiss, or hell we hardly got along. So Sunday-Tuesday for me was me getting closure between us, now I know for sure that we weren't meant to be together, that we weren't meant to date again. To have a relationship you have to have the physical stuff, but mostly the emotional stuff.
I told her I didn't want to date her, but I think she just took it the wrong way and it gave her hope that we'd get back together. But all in all I knew this would happen, so that makes me a bitch I guess. I've hurt her pretty bad, I didn't set out to do that, but I had to get things sorted out in my mind and now I have. I'm really sorry for putting her in that position, but I don't regret it one bit. I don't regret anything I did, she was afraid I was just going to forget about everything that happened but the truth is that I won't. We've been really good friends lately, and I honestly think that this will only make are friendship grow. Cause I talked to her after we fought, and she seemed ok, and we had another normal conversation.
**Shanina**
Yeah I wasn't able to go to church last week cause I was stuck in Cleburne. Well I was able to go this last wednesday. I could tell she didn't know how to act around me, in fact she didn't even know I was there more like 20 minutes, Gina wanted me to come sit with her so I did, and then someone pointed out to Nina that I was there. And I went and tried to talk to her a little later and she didn't really say anything, she wasn't mad or anything, she was nervous and didn't know what to say. Cause neither of us really knew what happened between us. But well she ended up going home before me, so when I was leaving I called her and I got her to go to Wal-mart with me, and I ended up staying at her house till like 12:30. Just endless staring and talking. We talked about alot of things, the week we broke up (we broke up that friday, 5 days before end of school) I had been getting really frustrated with everything, but not with her, I told her that but she didn't believe me. Well also I get jealous and her ex: Rafael (the one that cheated on her), was leaving to go to Mexico the last day of school, they're still like best friends, and they had just been hanging out alot, and I knew thats all they were, were friends, but still I got jealous, cause well I wanted to be the one spending time with her not him. Well anyways, so when we were talking she told me she thought she had done something wrong and she didn't know what. So she ended up breaking up with me. Well after the weekend I was fine, lol and I figured out what was wrong with me, I was PMSing, and I think thats the first time I've had mood swings. So yeah she found that funny. So yeah there was never anything wrong between us, and we vowed to tell each other when we're PMSing so the other won't freak out.
So yeah we worked everything out, on Friday I went to her work and they let her off early so then she went with me to run some errands and then she came over for awhile and we watched a movie and hung out, and honestly we kissed. Then when I was taking her home I had the sunroof back and she was watching the stars, and she saw a shooting star, she wouldn't tell me what the wish was, but she expected it within a week, so that made me really curious. Well I ended up staying there still like 1:30 or so. Then today Sunday, I went and surprised her at church (she didn't know I'd be there), so she came with me after church (her family went shopping at Sam's and she didn't want to go), so we went to the Coffee Grinder and got granitas, then we went to her house, and we just hung out and talked and yes kissed again. One thing I do everytime I see her, I tickle her, shes incredibly ticklish, its so much fun, not to mention its cute. So yeah I wrote her this really short note and gave it to her at church, she left it in her bible in her parents truck, so she didn't get to read it, shes probably read it by now, but shes at chruch I think, and she thinks I'm at work (the pool closed early cause no one was there to swim). So yeah when I first asked her out I wrote it in Japanese. Well this time I wrote her in German, which is a class shes taken and gotten A's in, and shes also an 1/8 German. So hopefully she'll know what it means, if she doesn't I told her to ask me, it says I love you. Please give us another chance. Will you go out with me again? Was this your wish? I don't know we seem to have this thing with foreign languages. I'm not indecisive!! I knew from the moment I started to get to know this girl, that it would last for along time, perhaps forever who knows. But I do know I care about her a great deal
~~Soccer~~
Whoo-hoo I get to go to A&M for the first time, I've been an aggie my entire life, I've always wanted to go there. And now I get to and I get to play soccer while I'm there. I'm extremely excited.
**Car**
My mom finally told me that her price range for a car is $2-3,000, and she prefer it to have been driven by someone older (cause they take care of cars better, supposedly) and that has never been in a wreck. So yeah and like I said about Kyle and I fighting over the car. I proved my point last night about that. I had to work so I let him borrow the car so he could go hang out with his buddies for a bit, and I gave him and exact time to pick me up. I waited for 30 minutes called my mom, he wasn't there, she told me to call her back in awhile if he didn't show up. Well I didn't call her back. I called Miranda and I started walking (while we were fighting). I lifeguarded yesterday so I was in a swimsuit (of course with shorts and a shirt over it though), and I was in sandles. So yeah I work at Oakdale (across from Big Rocks). I walked all the way home from there. I have a huge blister on both feet. It was funny those cause this cop passed me twice down by the square and he didn't stop, well then when I got by the water tower he passed by and turned around and came back and talked to me, it was funny. So then I got him to leave. Well a little bit later, this suburban drove by, turned around came back and was flashing its lights and kind of slowing down, then it turned around again and came back and did the same thing, and then it didn't come back, I know I know who the person is, it just pissed me off kind of that they didn't stop (even though I probably wouldn't have gotten a ride anyways). Well then I was almost to the church and this beat of truck pulls over in front of me, it was two hispanic guys, they were really nice, but I turned them down as well. Well I finally made it home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Kyle came driving down the drive-way. He said he and his friend and to bury this girls dog and he didn't remember me until he was on his way home. I was pissed he knew I had the cell phone with him, he could have called me before he had to bury the dog, cause I talked to mom before he knew he had to bury the dog (the girl had called the house looking for Kyle). So yeah I proved my point that I need a car, or that he doesn't need the car cause hes not responsible enough (he can't even put gas in it or roll up the windows when its about to rain, I do that and I put air in the tires, and clean it-well clean up all his shit cause hes the one who gets it dirty). So yeah I also proved the point that hes lazy cause if I can walk all the way home from work so could he. But yeah I'm not really pissed, so I don't feel like bitching much right now, lol.
Well I better go, I need to go review for class tomorrow, oh yeah speaking of which the times for my class is from 1:30-4:00. So anyways, I'm going to go, laters.
Yeah I really am a psycho. You know how in my last post I was talking about how I really don't want to be the casual "sex" type person, well yeah I figured out that I really am not that type of person. I finally figured out what exactly I was doing, and why I chose certain actions. Yeah I definately can't just make out with someone for the hell of it, I'm just not able to do it. Especially when there are consequences to it. Ok lets put a simplar version on all of this. MIRANDA HATES ME NOW, or should atleast. Yeah for three days straight Miranda and I made out each time we saw each other. I told her I didn't want a relationship with anyone, but I guess I was afraid of just saying not with her, cause that would hurt her. I truly don't believe that I was using her, I didn't want her just for play, granted yeah I did want the physical stuff. But when you use people you won't think anything about what happened. What went on between Miranda and I was special, it did mean something to me. She has changed a great deal since we broke up, and I thought things with Shanina and I were completely over, and everyday I got more curious of what it would be like to get back with her. Yes when it comes to physical stuff between her and I, its great. But emotionally, theres just not something there, theres not that everlasting connection. And well yeah shes a great girl but there are so many things that drive me crazy about her (in a relationship), but those very same things don't bother me by being her friend. We got into a huge fight about this last night and I've been trying to think of a way to help her understand my irrational being. You see in the last month and a half there was nothing going on between us at all, we hardly got to see each other, kiss, or hell we hardly got along. So Sunday-Tuesday for me was me getting closure between us, now I know for sure that we weren't meant to be together, that we weren't meant to date again. To have a relationship you have to have the physical stuff, but mostly the emotional stuff.
I told her I didn't want to date her, but I think she just took it the wrong way and it gave her hope that we'd get back together. But all in all I knew this would happen, so that makes me a bitch I guess. I've hurt her pretty bad, I didn't set out to do that, but I had to get things sorted out in my mind and now I have. I'm really sorry for putting her in that position, but I don't regret it one bit. I don't regret anything I did, she was afraid I was just going to forget about everything that happened but the truth is that I won't. We've been really good friends lately, and I honestly think that this will only make are friendship grow. Cause I talked to her after we fought, and she seemed ok, and we had another normal conversation.
**Shanina**
Yeah I wasn't able to go to church last week cause I was stuck in Cleburne. Well I was able to go this last wednesday. I could tell she didn't know how to act around me, in fact she didn't even know I was there more like 20 minutes, Gina wanted me to come sit with her so I did, and then someone pointed out to Nina that I was there. And I went and tried to talk to her a little later and she didn't really say anything, she wasn't mad or anything, she was nervous and didn't know what to say. Cause neither of us really knew what happened between us. But well she ended up going home before me, so when I was leaving I called her and I got her to go to Wal-mart with me, and I ended up staying at her house till like 12:30. Just endless staring and talking. We talked about alot of things, the week we broke up (we broke up that friday, 5 days before end of school) I had been getting really frustrated with everything, but not with her, I told her that but she didn't believe me. Well also I get jealous and her ex: Rafael (the one that cheated on her), was leaving to go to Mexico the last day of school, they're still like best friends, and they had just been hanging out alot, and I knew thats all they were, were friends, but still I got jealous, cause well I wanted to be the one spending time with her not him. Well anyways, so when we were talking she told me she thought she had done something wrong and she didn't know what. So she ended up breaking up with me. Well after the weekend I was fine, lol and I figured out what was wrong with me, I was PMSing, and I think thats the first time I've had mood swings. So yeah she found that funny. So yeah there was never anything wrong between us, and we vowed to tell each other when we're PMSing so the other won't freak out.
So yeah we worked everything out, on Friday I went to her work and they let her off early so then she went with me to run some errands and then she came over for awhile and we watched a movie and hung out, and honestly we kissed. Then when I was taking her home I had the sunroof back and she was watching the stars, and she saw a shooting star, she wouldn't tell me what the wish was, but she expected it within a week, so that made me really curious. Well I ended up staying there still like 1:30 or so. Then today Sunday, I went and surprised her at church (she didn't know I'd be there), so she came with me after church (her family went shopping at Sam's and she didn't want to go), so we went to the Coffee Grinder and got granitas, then we went to her house, and we just hung out and talked and yes kissed again. One thing I do everytime I see her, I tickle her, shes incredibly ticklish, its so much fun, not to mention its cute. So yeah I wrote her this really short note and gave it to her at church, she left it in her bible in her parents truck, so she didn't get to read it, shes probably read it by now, but shes at chruch I think, and she thinks I'm at work (the pool closed early cause no one was there to swim). So yeah when I first asked her out I wrote it in Japanese. Well this time I wrote her in German, which is a class shes taken and gotten A's in, and shes also an 1/8 German. So hopefully she'll know what it means, if she doesn't I told her to ask me, it says I love you. Please give us another chance. Will you go out with me again? Was this your wish? I don't know we seem to have this thing with foreign languages. I'm not indecisive!! I knew from the moment I started to get to know this girl, that it would last for along time, perhaps forever who knows. But I do know I care about her a great deal
~~Soccer~~
Whoo-hoo I get to go to A&M for the first time, I've been an aggie my entire life, I've always wanted to go there. And now I get to and I get to play soccer while I'm there. I'm extremely excited.
**Car**
My mom finally told me that her price range for a car is $2-3,000, and she prefer it to have been driven by someone older (cause they take care of cars better, supposedly) and that has never been in a wreck. So yeah and like I said about Kyle and I fighting over the car. I proved my point last night about that. I had to work so I let him borrow the car so he could go hang out with his buddies for a bit, and I gave him and exact time to pick me up. I waited for 30 minutes called my mom, he wasn't there, she told me to call her back in awhile if he didn't show up. Well I didn't call her back. I called Miranda and I started walking (while we were fighting). I lifeguarded yesterday so I was in a swimsuit (of course with shorts and a shirt over it though), and I was in sandles. So yeah I work at Oakdale (across from Big Rocks). I walked all the way home from there. I have a huge blister on both feet. It was funny those cause this cop passed me twice down by the square and he didn't stop, well then when I got by the water tower he passed by and turned around and came back and talked to me, it was funny. So then I got him to leave. Well a little bit later, this suburban drove by, turned around came back and was flashing its lights and kind of slowing down, then it turned around again and came back and did the same thing, and then it didn't come back, I know I know who the person is, it just pissed me off kind of that they didn't stop (even though I probably wouldn't have gotten a ride anyways). Well then I was almost to the church and this beat of truck pulls over in front of me, it was two hispanic guys, they were really nice, but I turned them down as well. Well I finally made it home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Kyle came driving down the drive-way. He said he and his friend and to bury this girls dog and he didn't remember me until he was on his way home. I was pissed he knew I had the cell phone with him, he could have called me before he had to bury the dog, cause I talked to mom before he knew he had to bury the dog (the girl had called the house looking for Kyle). So yeah I proved my point that I need a car, or that he doesn't need the car cause hes not responsible enough (he can't even put gas in it or roll up the windows when its about to rain, I do that and I put air in the tires, and clean it-well clean up all his shit cause hes the one who gets it dirty). So yeah I also proved the point that hes lazy cause if I can walk all the way home from work so could he. But yeah I'm not really pissed, so I don't feel like bitching much right now, lol.
Well I better go, I need to go review for class tomorrow, oh yeah speaking of which the times for my class is from 1:30-4:00. So anyways, I'm going to go, laters.
Monday, June 02, 2003
??Why is life the way it is??
Seriously, have you ever asked yourself that? I ask myself that all the time, not necessarily in a bad way, but simply just being curious. Life astounds me sometimes, I can never quite figure out the way it works. Sometimes I feel completely whole and content and heading down a straight path, but then all the sudden my life decides to take a u-turn. And here lately I feel as if I'm just spinning around in circles. One of my main mottos is learn from your mistakes and from others. But for some reason I haven't quite been able to grasp that concept. I always thought oh I'll find someone to date and it will last for a long time, yet here I am bouncing around from person to person, or hell even just having a casual make-out session (which is something I never thought I'd do). With Shanina, it could have lasted for ever, yet I did that little self-destructive thing, where I start to pull away, or to the other person I quit talking to them or I just clam-up. I hate that, but yet why can't I make myself stop. Is this like my natural defense mechanism, for fear of being hurt. I don't really know, I know I shouldn't do it, because you have to live life to the fullest and yeah sometimes you'll get hurt, but all in all it'll be worth it. I don't want to be the person who jumps around from person to person, I want to stick with someone, but yet right now I feel that I'm not ready for a relationship, but I also want physicality of it all, but I don't want to be casual "sex" type person. I seem to contradict myself alot, I truly am indecisive and I've always realized it. Sometimes I find that to be funny or ironic, cause I know who I am and how I act and there are so many things I'd like to change but I can't ever figure out how to change them. Maybe I'm not meant to change them, maybe I am supposed to be like this. I don't like being confused and indecisive.
I don't know my life confuses me sometimes, I want to be that content person again. Everything just seems to be repeating itself. My family is once again fucked up, but yet its all my fault. I have been the ultimate bitch the last few weeks, but yet I feel I have the right to be a bitch. I've put up with alot of bullshit from my family, and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of just following orders and doing everything to make them happy, which has always made me miserable. What about me?? When do I get to be happy? For once I want something from them, and they act as if its a big deal. Yes all I really want right now is a car, or truck. I don't want one that my mom or Kyle picks out, I want one that I pick out, one that I will keep for a few years. One that is in good condition. I don't understand why Kyle feels he has the right to pick out MY car, he got to choose his own car and he fucked it up, and ultimately ended up wasting a ton of my moms money (or lessened the likelyhood for my mom to get another loan). Brian got to choose out his own car. Why can't I choose mine? I'm sorry I don't want a car that has a indention the size of a tree in the back end of it, and I don't want a little truck that hydroplanes like no other and which I'll end up dead next to a tree one day. And I don't want a freaking grannie car or something thats going to drive me crazy looking at it everyday. Kyle and I have been fighting constantly the last several weeks. I'm sorry but its my time to rebel, its my time to be happy. Its my senior year, its my high school time, I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, yet he wants to hold me back, he had a million different opportunities yet he blew them all. I'm sorry that he is 21 years old, still lives at home, only works 20 hours a week, doesn't go to college (I have more credit than he does), and all he does in his spare time is play video games or watch movies or get drunk or get high. He has a truck with no back windshield, no hood, different sized tires, millions of dents (which he put in, except one, cause he'd hit it when he got pissed), no AC, no tags or inspection or insurance. He had the best truck in town but he decided to have a little fun one night, and had a huge hangover the next day and the preceded to pull out in front of someone. I'm sorry that hes the one thats fucked up his life, so why does he have to take it out on me. I don't deserve it. I don't know life is just spinning in endless cirlces right now, I don't think stuff between Kyle and I will settle down for awhile.
Well yay, thats my little rant session for the day, but right now I need to finish getting ready so that I can go to class. Whoo-hoo. Oh and a quick note to Rebecca, I'm sure you've read it already, but I'll be in Cleburne Monday-Thursday (1:00-3:30) for the next month, so if you want to go do something or just hangout before then, give me a call. But well yeah I'm gonna go, Laters.
Seriously, have you ever asked yourself that? I ask myself that all the time, not necessarily in a bad way, but simply just being curious. Life astounds me sometimes, I can never quite figure out the way it works. Sometimes I feel completely whole and content and heading down a straight path, but then all the sudden my life decides to take a u-turn. And here lately I feel as if I'm just spinning around in circles. One of my main mottos is learn from your mistakes and from others. But for some reason I haven't quite been able to grasp that concept. I always thought oh I'll find someone to date and it will last for a long time, yet here I am bouncing around from person to person, or hell even just having a casual make-out session (which is something I never thought I'd do). With Shanina, it could have lasted for ever, yet I did that little self-destructive thing, where I start to pull away, or to the other person I quit talking to them or I just clam-up. I hate that, but yet why can't I make myself stop. Is this like my natural defense mechanism, for fear of being hurt. I don't really know, I know I shouldn't do it, because you have to live life to the fullest and yeah sometimes you'll get hurt, but all in all it'll be worth it. I don't want to be the person who jumps around from person to person, I want to stick with someone, but yet right now I feel that I'm not ready for a relationship, but I also want physicality of it all, but I don't want to be casual "sex" type person. I seem to contradict myself alot, I truly am indecisive and I've always realized it. Sometimes I find that to be funny or ironic, cause I know who I am and how I act and there are so many things I'd like to change but I can't ever figure out how to change them. Maybe I'm not meant to change them, maybe I am supposed to be like this. I don't like being confused and indecisive.
I don't know my life confuses me sometimes, I want to be that content person again. Everything just seems to be repeating itself. My family is once again fucked up, but yet its all my fault. I have been the ultimate bitch the last few weeks, but yet I feel I have the right to be a bitch. I've put up with alot of bullshit from my family, and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of just following orders and doing everything to make them happy, which has always made me miserable. What about me?? When do I get to be happy? For once I want something from them, and they act as if its a big deal. Yes all I really want right now is a car, or truck. I don't want one that my mom or Kyle picks out, I want one that I pick out, one that I will keep for a few years. One that is in good condition. I don't understand why Kyle feels he has the right to pick out MY car, he got to choose his own car and he fucked it up, and ultimately ended up wasting a ton of my moms money (or lessened the likelyhood for my mom to get another loan). Brian got to choose out his own car. Why can't I choose mine? I'm sorry I don't want a car that has a indention the size of a tree in the back end of it, and I don't want a little truck that hydroplanes like no other and which I'll end up dead next to a tree one day. And I don't want a freaking grannie car or something thats going to drive me crazy looking at it everyday. Kyle and I have been fighting constantly the last several weeks. I'm sorry but its my time to rebel, its my time to be happy. Its my senior year, its my high school time, I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, yet he wants to hold me back, he had a million different opportunities yet he blew them all. I'm sorry that he is 21 years old, still lives at home, only works 20 hours a week, doesn't go to college (I have more credit than he does), and all he does in his spare time is play video games or watch movies or get drunk or get high. He has a truck with no back windshield, no hood, different sized tires, millions of dents (which he put in, except one, cause he'd hit it when he got pissed), no AC, no tags or inspection or insurance. He had the best truck in town but he decided to have a little fun one night, and had a huge hangover the next day and the preceded to pull out in front of someone. I'm sorry that hes the one thats fucked up his life, so why does he have to take it out on me. I don't deserve it. I don't know life is just spinning in endless cirlces right now, I don't think stuff between Kyle and I will settle down for awhile.
Well yay, thats my little rant session for the day, but right now I need to finish getting ready so that I can go to class. Whoo-hoo. Oh and a quick note to Rebecca, I'm sure you've read it already, but I'll be in Cleburne Monday-Thursday (1:00-3:30) for the next month, so if you want to go do something or just hangout before then, give me a call. But well yeah I'm gonna go, Laters.
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