??Why is life the way it is??

Seriously, have you ever asked yourself that? I ask myself that all the time, not necessarily in a bad way, but simply just being curious. Life astounds me sometimes, I can never quite figure out the way it works. Sometimes I feel completely whole and content and heading down a straight path, but then all the sudden my life decides to take a u-turn. And here lately I feel as if I'm just spinning around in circles. One of my main mottos is learn from your mistakes and from others. But for some reason I haven't quite been able to grasp that concept. I always thought oh I'll find someone to date and it will last for a long time, yet here I am bouncing around from person to person, or hell even just having a casual make-out session (which is something I never thought I'd do). With Shanina, it could have lasted for ever, yet I did that little self-destructive thing, where I start to pull away, or to the other person I quit talking to them or I just clam-up. I hate that, but yet why can't I make myself stop. Is this like my natural defense mechanism, for fear of being hurt. I don't really know, I know I shouldn't do it, because you have to live life to the fullest and yeah sometimes you'll get hurt, but all in all it'll be worth it. I don't want to be the person who jumps around from person to person, I want to stick with someone, but yet right now I feel that I'm not ready for a relationship, but I also want physicality of it all, but I don't want to be casual "sex" type person. I seem to contradict myself alot, I truly am indecisive and I've always realized it. Sometimes I find that to be funny or ironic, cause I know who I am and how I act and there are so many things I'd like to change but I can't ever figure out how to change them. Maybe I'm not meant to change them, maybe I am supposed to be like this. I don't like being confused and indecisive.

I don't know my life confuses me sometimes, I want to be that content person again. Everything just seems to be repeating itself. My family is once again fucked up, but yet its all my fault. I have been the ultimate bitch the last few weeks, but yet I feel I have the right to be a bitch. I've put up with alot of bullshit from my family, and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of just following orders and doing everything to make them happy, which has always made me miserable. What about me?? When do I get to be happy? For once I want something from them, and they act as if its a big deal. Yes all I really want right now is a car, or truck. I don't want one that my mom or Kyle picks out, I want one that I pick out, one that I will keep for a few years. One that is in good condition. I don't understand why Kyle feels he has the right to pick out MY car, he got to choose his own car and he fucked it up, and ultimately ended up wasting a ton of my moms money (or lessened the likelyhood for my mom to get another loan). Brian got to choose out his own car. Why can't I choose mine? I'm sorry I don't want a car that has a indention the size of a tree in the back end of it, and I don't want a little truck that hydroplanes like no other and which I'll end up dead next to a tree one day. And I don't want a freaking grannie car or something thats going to drive me crazy looking at it everyday. Kyle and I have been fighting constantly the last several weeks. I'm sorry but its my time to rebel, its my time to be happy. Its my senior year, its my high school time, I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, yet he wants to hold me back, he had a million different opportunities yet he blew them all. I'm sorry that he is 21 years old, still lives at home, only works 20 hours a week, doesn't go to college (I have more credit than he does), and all he does in his spare time is play video games or watch movies or get drunk or get high. He has a truck with no back windshield, no hood, different sized tires, millions of dents (which he put in, except one, cause he'd hit it when he got pissed), no AC, no tags or inspection or insurance. He had the best truck in town but he decided to have a little fun one night, and had a huge hangover the next day and the preceded to pull out in front of someone. I'm sorry that hes the one thats fucked up his life, so why does he have to take it out on me. I don't deserve it. I don't know life is just spinning in endless cirlces right now, I don't think stuff between Kyle and I will settle down for awhile.

Well yay, thats my little rant session for the day, but right now I need to finish getting ready so that I can go to class. Whoo-hoo. Oh and a quick note to Rebecca, I'm sure you've read it already, but I'll be in Cleburne Monday-Thursday (1:00-3:30) for the next month, so if you want to go do something or just hangout before then, give me a call. But well yeah I'm gonna go, Laters.