~*~Dazed and Confused---Lost and Delirious~*~

I've been like super confused lately. Or well just being to damn indecisive. Here lately I've been getting depressed again, as in I feel like cutting myself, and all that random stuff. I've been really thinking about breaking up with Shanina. I mean I live in GR she lives in Granbury. I hardly ever see her, cause one I'm working, and two I've been taking economics, and anytime I'd get to see her was late at night, and then that makes me always tired. And yeah I just got a second job, so guess what that makes it harder. I just feel like its not really a relationship, unless I'm literally with her, but thats the point I hardly ever get to be with her (as in being near her, not like being with her sexually). Plus I've got like a bazillion other things on my mind, well not a bazillion literally, just alot. I keep having feelings for alot of other people. At camp I had three huge crushes, one on a girl named Nicole, shes from Louisiana and the others name is Amanda shes from Alvin, the others name is Sarah shes from San Angelo (we play her in high school, I actually knew her before camp). All of which I didn't get their address, if its fate, we'll meet again. Ok and local crushes. Bree and Gina, both make me very curious on if they are gay or not. And anyone who knows me, knows I'm not going to like a girl unless I think they're atleast somewhat gay. And I also like this girl that I work with, Kathryn (sp?). And I can't forget Sara (the girl from Hawaii), shes badass but I don't get to meet her for awhile. Oh and damn the one constant person that I'm always interested in, is Rebecca. When it comes to her I just can't help it.

Ok so yeah, I don't really want to be with Nina anymore because I'm never really with her. Make sense? I love her and all, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. Oh I forgot she just found out shes going to be getting alot more hours at work, so less time with me. Rafael is supposed to be back soon. More time with him, less with me. So I don't know, I don't want to tell her, cause then I'm afraid of hurting her, and all that stuff. But also you know, when she came back from camp she told me that she had to be good. As in no physical stuff, which I guess isn't a big deal but then again it is. I feel as if you say no to one thing, sooner or later its going to be no to all of it. Its the whole church thing that makes me uncomfortable, with her that is. I feel like shes using it against me, to make me feel guilty. I hate it when people use religion against me. But yeah I also feel like she doesn't really want me, like she never really kisses me, or touches me, its always me making the effort. Its just so frustrating. I swear why can't i find a beautiful person, inside and out, who loves me for me, expects nothing of me but just for me to be me. Why can't I find someone who I connect with mentally and physically. Why can't I find someone who wants the same thing as me. But really why the hell am I worry about this. I'm 17, why the hell do I have drama.


Anyways...

So I got a second job!! Its at Dinosaur Valley State Park, I'm working in the park store. Its really cool, I like it alot out there, I just started on friday. Oh after this week I'll be done with my class. I have a test on tuesday, then I have my final on thursday, then I'm done