Here lately since I've been driving back and forth from Weatherford I've had a lot of time to think. I tend to overanalyze but this is when I write best (or the most). When I repetitively go over something so many times until it sounds right, until something makes sense, and often until my heart settles down. I can't decide if its because the drive and extra stress about my job is making me more exhausted or if its because i've been working out again. The more exhausted I am the deeper I sleep, hence the fact that I've been dreaming more. This should be a good thing but it makes me restless. The things I've apparently buried deep in my soul and my subconscious always seem to resurface in my dreams and I don't have any control over them. My dreams collide. The faces that I see and the feelings that I've disregarded for so long pull at the strings of my heart. I don't understand, its not fair it seems. The heart chooses what it wants. The mind tries to argue with it. Between my reawakened dreams and my heart's long lost desires I feel like I've been torn in two again. My heart and soul in this relentless battle is draining me but filling me with some sort of unrefined hope and hunger for life and love.
Coping is not a mechanism that I possess, I do not deal well. I conceal everything and hope it will suffice. These unconscious desires are destroying my walls brick by brick, layer by layer. Reminding me that my heart is alive no matter how raw it might be. What I've felt is real, what I've loved is real, what I've lost is real. There is no need to pretend such life didn't exist, afterall it is a part of what I am composed of. It is ok to feel something again even when there is no real explanation. Sometimes I feel much more than I should, sometimes I feel much more than I ever meant to.
I asked a question the other day. Do you think its possible to fall for someone multiple times or do you think that would be considered never actually falling out of love to begin with? The response I got was: "Part of you still loves them but the things they do can make you fall back in love with them. Almost like finding what went missing along the way." I'm still processing this and still debating it.
Different topic. I am not necessarily proud of where I've been and some of the things I've done, but I am proud to know I have made it through so much personal struggle that it amazes me. I am proud of myself. We are surrounded by so much beauty but with danger intertwined how do we step into the light and keep the shadows at bay. The thought came to mind not too long ago. I recently just finished typing all my old poems onto my other blogger and have re-read some of my old posts on here and I can't believe how negative I am/was. Ok I can believe it. But I was in such a dark place for so long. I don't know what brought me out of it, of what opened my eyes. I see life. Don't get me wrong I still have breakdowns, I still get my heart hurt, I still ache in places that I shouldn't perhaps. But I no longer see it as the end of the world, I no longer feel the need to act out as my cry for help. Things do get better, and the only way things will change is if I make the change myself. Something I'm thankful that I learned 5 years ago is that first you have to want to change, no one can take that step for you or force you to do it. Recover with pride, I have not relapsed in over 5 years. Yes I am proud of myself, definitely.
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 05, 2011
Today is one of those days where I hurt and I'm not really sure why. Its one of those days that I wish I could ease other's pain. I wish we could lay it all down and bare our souls, to be open to what may come. Wear our hearts on our sleeves and expose all of our secrets. Let everything be as it is. All of our gaping wounds bleeding on to the ground. To be fragile. To recognize our differences and our similarities. To accept.
Its one of those days that I hope they know how beautiful they are, how much they are loved.
If you continuously set limitations you'll never know the possibilities. Open your heart, open your mind and listen to both.
Its one of those days that I hope they know how beautiful they are, how much they are loved.
If you continuously set limitations you'll never know the possibilities. Open your heart, open your mind and listen to both.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
There it is again, that feeling. The one in the pit of my stomach. Watching the travel channel does nothing but make me feel like my blood is bubbling to the surface, to take my heart and soul out of the here and now. Its become less of a fantasy, a far off dream, a lofty ambition. This is what I want to do and I'm going to do it dammit. Its so easy for people to denounce your passions as if its yesterdays news. Its not just a tid-bit of information that I'm casually throwing into conversation, this is something I want to seriously sit down and talk to someone about. Someone to help me lay out a plan, someone who has a bit more of an idea of what I am planning on jumping into. But who? Most people just think I'm crazy, think I'm bullshitting, or they get upset about it. Just because I want to leave doesn't mean that I will be gone forever.
Let me specify...... again. All I have ever wanted to do in life is travel. For the first time in my life I have a real chance to do it. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, the opportunity is real, it is there. All I have to do is reach out and take it, as cliche as that sounds.
I went hiking through the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens the other day (as much as you can hike in the middle of a city). I came across a fallen tree, walking up the trunk of it it quite literally felt like a fork in the road at 7 feet in the air. A moment of realization. Between a rock and a hard place, the only option is up. Granted that may not make a whole lot of sense. This week has been one of the most eventful, life changing weeks of my life (though with not a whole lot of excitement). I have put myself in a hard situation, and in the past I would vent and bitch about it to whoever would listen or write till my fingers couldn't type anymore. But I did that for years and years, as you can probably tell if you look at my old blog entries (it amazes me that I've had this thing for almost a decade). I like to think my writing has changed, I like to think I have changed, I like to think my life has changed. The only option here is to change and adapt.
Lets put this into perspective, I lost my job. Now I didn't just lose it, I didn't simply get laid off. I got fired. Fired over something stupid, something simple. I question myself here, I was never going to quit. I was taught never to give up. I was taught that essentially you reap what you sow. But when you've completely depleted the resources of your soul for supply and demand that doesn't even acknowledge your sacrifice, it should be time to call it quits right? Why force something that obviously isn't working? I would say that I subconsciously took actions in order to fired. Accidentally on purpose. I can't even begin to list the things I've done with that company that could have gotten me fired. Always pushing the envelope, daring to be me again. So much gets lost in the politics. I got lost in the politics.
So here I am, jobless. After taking the recommendations of several family members I applied for unemployment. Some how gives me that feeling of applying for welfare, I don't believe in having anything handed to you. It should be earned. But just like the dilemma I was previously in, I earned my vacation and my sick days but got shit for trying to use either of the two. I've been trying to go by a new way of thinking (partially because I was a previous semi-hoarder): use it or lose it, use it or leave it. At this point in my life I have learned to suck up my pride and do what needs to be done. The overall greatest story of my adventurous responsibility was voluntarily going to jail for 10 1/2 days (and contemplating another voluntary visit, for traffic warrants on both accounts). I have plenty of other prime examples that didn't quite turn out in my favor but I did what I needed to do. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, just don't exploit whats been given to you.
I've been presented the opportunity to work for my previous competitor, CVS. As much as the thought of staying in retail makes me want to vomit, it is a job, it pays a hell of alot less, and its farther of a drive. Will I be strong enough to call it quits when I've had enough, will I be strong enough to leave. What will be my back up plan? Let me just say that I'd much rather be sleeping with the enemy than working for the enemy.
So here's my so called plan for now. My bottom line is that I need to be saving money. Tax return season is only a few months away, maybe then there would be enough money to break our lease. I would love to pay $500 or some miniscule amount and live in Denton or some small/fun place would be nice, Brooke and I could both save money. But it also depends on where her jobs takes her. And it might be better for me to possibly convince a family member to let me stay with them for awhile. Ugh, can I just gag on that one. Being and adult and moving home to me is such a shot at my ego, and like always I'd rather live with my mom (but if I try to work here Austin will be out of the question). I'm very independent by nature and I hate feeling like I'm stepping back into that hole I once dug for myself, the one to hide in not fall into. So I guess step 1 is to put myself into a situation where I can start to save money.
Second step but sort of the first, once I get these warrants taken care of (the ones that just popped up from something from 4 years ago, gotta love the legal system) I need to apply to get my passport. Then from there figure out if I really want to get any vaccinations or not (which i've read can add up to alot). Then from there start collecting all my necessities for backpacking. Then essentially pick the when and where I want to start at, have to figure out how the whole visa thing works. I figure with backpacking if I was able to stay for awhile somewhere I could possibly get some sort of job to help out with the pocketbook. I figure most of everything I have I will sell, give away, or put into storage (but how could I get that storage paid for while I'm gone). And the last and most important step is WTF would I do with Draco and Orion??
I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!! Maybe not right away, I know it isn't an immediate process. But its just that, a process. But I know this is going to be a necessity in my life, its something I need/want to do. I want to see all the colors of the world, all the beautiful tapestries and layers that the earth has to offer. I want to wake up with a breath of fresh air (which might not always be fresh depending where your at), I want to wake up and know I have the freedom to go where I want. The freedom to discover. I want to wake up and not feel the weight of expectations on my shoulders. I want to simply just be. I figure it'll be a bumpy ride, possibly a dangerous one at times. But if you're too afraid of living then what is the point?
This is the turning point of my life and I'm determined to make the best of it.
Let me specify...... again. All I have ever wanted to do in life is travel. For the first time in my life I have a real chance to do it. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, the opportunity is real, it is there. All I have to do is reach out and take it, as cliche as that sounds.
I went hiking through the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens the other day (as much as you can hike in the middle of a city). I came across a fallen tree, walking up the trunk of it it quite literally felt like a fork in the road at 7 feet in the air. A moment of realization. Between a rock and a hard place, the only option is up. Granted that may not make a whole lot of sense. This week has been one of the most eventful, life changing weeks of my life (though with not a whole lot of excitement). I have put myself in a hard situation, and in the past I would vent and bitch about it to whoever would listen or write till my fingers couldn't type anymore. But I did that for years and years, as you can probably tell if you look at my old blog entries (it amazes me that I've had this thing for almost a decade). I like to think my writing has changed, I like to think I have changed, I like to think my life has changed. The only option here is to change and adapt.
Lets put this into perspective, I lost my job. Now I didn't just lose it, I didn't simply get laid off. I got fired. Fired over something stupid, something simple. I question myself here, I was never going to quit. I was taught never to give up. I was taught that essentially you reap what you sow. But when you've completely depleted the resources of your soul for supply and demand that doesn't even acknowledge your sacrifice, it should be time to call it quits right? Why force something that obviously isn't working? I would say that I subconsciously took actions in order to fired. Accidentally on purpose. I can't even begin to list the things I've done with that company that could have gotten me fired. Always pushing the envelope, daring to be me again. So much gets lost in the politics. I got lost in the politics.
So here I am, jobless. After taking the recommendations of several family members I applied for unemployment. Some how gives me that feeling of applying for welfare, I don't believe in having anything handed to you. It should be earned. But just like the dilemma I was previously in, I earned my vacation and my sick days but got shit for trying to use either of the two. I've been trying to go by a new way of thinking (partially because I was a previous semi-hoarder): use it or lose it, use it or leave it. At this point in my life I have learned to suck up my pride and do what needs to be done. The overall greatest story of my adventurous responsibility was voluntarily going to jail for 10 1/2 days (and contemplating another voluntary visit, for traffic warrants on both accounts). I have plenty of other prime examples that didn't quite turn out in my favor but I did what I needed to do. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, just don't exploit whats been given to you.
I've been presented the opportunity to work for my previous competitor, CVS. As much as the thought of staying in retail makes me want to vomit, it is a job, it pays a hell of alot less, and its farther of a drive. Will I be strong enough to call it quits when I've had enough, will I be strong enough to leave. What will be my back up plan? Let me just say that I'd much rather be sleeping with the enemy than working for the enemy.
So here's my so called plan for now. My bottom line is that I need to be saving money. Tax return season is only a few months away, maybe then there would be enough money to break our lease. I would love to pay $500 or some miniscule amount and live in Denton or some small/fun place would be nice, Brooke and I could both save money. But it also depends on where her jobs takes her. And it might be better for me to possibly convince a family member to let me stay with them for awhile. Ugh, can I just gag on that one. Being and adult and moving home to me is such a shot at my ego, and like always I'd rather live with my mom (but if I try to work here Austin will be out of the question). I'm very independent by nature and I hate feeling like I'm stepping back into that hole I once dug for myself, the one to hide in not fall into. So I guess step 1 is to put myself into a situation where I can start to save money.
Second step but sort of the first, once I get these warrants taken care of (the ones that just popped up from something from 4 years ago, gotta love the legal system) I need to apply to get my passport. Then from there figure out if I really want to get any vaccinations or not (which i've read can add up to alot). Then from there start collecting all my necessities for backpacking. Then essentially pick the when and where I want to start at, have to figure out how the whole visa thing works. I figure with backpacking if I was able to stay for awhile somewhere I could possibly get some sort of job to help out with the pocketbook. I figure most of everything I have I will sell, give away, or put into storage (but how could I get that storage paid for while I'm gone). And the last and most important step is WTF would I do with Draco and Orion??
I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!! Maybe not right away, I know it isn't an immediate process. But its just that, a process. But I know this is going to be a necessity in my life, its something I need/want to do. I want to see all the colors of the world, all the beautiful tapestries and layers that the earth has to offer. I want to wake up with a breath of fresh air (which might not always be fresh depending where your at), I want to wake up and know I have the freedom to go where I want. The freedom to discover. I want to wake up and not feel the weight of expectations on my shoulders. I want to simply just be. I figure it'll be a bumpy ride, possibly a dangerous one at times. But if you're too afraid of living then what is the point?
This is the turning point of my life and I'm determined to make the best of it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
My heart burns, but not in the acid reflux kind of way. That flame of passion that I had seemed to have lost has been rekindled. This anxiousness is soaking into my deepest core. I have been reminded that there is more to this life, that I once wanted more than the menial existence. Its become apparent to me that retail is killing my soul a day at a time, it was something that I used to enjoy. Helping people has always been a part of me but when politics come into play and tell me who I have to be, I lose my sense of being. I am meant for more that this monotonous way of life. The day in and day out work routine, it doesn't leave any space for any other action other than to eat and sleep. If we are numb to the world then what is the point of living. I want to thrive in a world that is constantly pushing me down telling me that I cannot be who I am. I must conform, I must not stand out, I must not stand up for myself and what I believe in. I think not. That is not what I want. I want to stand on top of the world and feel at peace, I want to feel proud for making it to where I have dared to venture. I want to breathe.
Following your dreams and passions are always harder than expected but thats part of what makes it worth it in the end. The dilemma I'm having is how do I go about making things happen. First off I know I need to get my passport. Everyday that I go to work I want to quit but I struggle with it because I don't want to throw away everything that I've worked so hard to obtain. Just like I used to be a packrat (a.k.a hoarder), I had such an issue letting go of anything, it all had such sentimental value. But then I learned after moving several times how hard it was to keep holding on to everything, physically it was exhausting. But if it has sentimental value its just that, you don't have to actually hold on to the physical aspect of it. So the second part I know would be easy to let go off all my furniture, etc. Everything except the essentials, which right now primarly everything that has any real value to me is already in storage. I am perfectly content to backpack through the world quite literally.
I've always said that if I ever lose my job the most justifiable option I could choose would be to join the military. It has always been in the back of my mind, it has always been an option in the back of my mind. But its just that, its in the back of my mind, its not something that I necessarily desire to do. It would be a respectable choice. But right now my soul is willing to throw everything away to quite literally live by the seat of my pants. I can't find any logical reason to stay. So the next step would be to lay out a plan. Plane ticket, when and where. Then I run into the money issue. If I left my job would I be able to withdraw everything from my 401K, would I be paid out all of my sick days (that I'm pressured into not taking), would I be paid out all of my vacation days. That would get me started atleast. But once I'm where I want to be, would I find jobs here and there to make enough to make it to the next leg of my trip? I guess thats part of the journey is figuring it out as you go along.
Trying to figure out the future while in the here and now makes me extremely antsy. I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I get excited and hopeful in whole different way than I've felt in a very long time. I look forward to figuring this puzzle out. I look forward to discovery.
links for later:
http://www.couchsurfing.org
http://www.budgetglobetrotting.com/
http://traveltips.usatoday.com/clothes-packing-tips-backpackers-international-travel-1505.html
http://www.startbackpacking.com/travel/backpacking-packing-list/
Following your dreams and passions are always harder than expected but thats part of what makes it worth it in the end. The dilemma I'm having is how do I go about making things happen. First off I know I need to get my passport. Everyday that I go to work I want to quit but I struggle with it because I don't want to throw away everything that I've worked so hard to obtain. Just like I used to be a packrat (a.k.a hoarder), I had such an issue letting go of anything, it all had such sentimental value. But then I learned after moving several times how hard it was to keep holding on to everything, physically it was exhausting. But if it has sentimental value its just that, you don't have to actually hold on to the physical aspect of it. So the second part I know would be easy to let go off all my furniture, etc. Everything except the essentials, which right now primarly everything that has any real value to me is already in storage. I am perfectly content to backpack through the world quite literally.
I've always said that if I ever lose my job the most justifiable option I could choose would be to join the military. It has always been in the back of my mind, it has always been an option in the back of my mind. But its just that, its in the back of my mind, its not something that I necessarily desire to do. It would be a respectable choice. But right now my soul is willing to throw everything away to quite literally live by the seat of my pants. I can't find any logical reason to stay. So the next step would be to lay out a plan. Plane ticket, when and where. Then I run into the money issue. If I left my job would I be able to withdraw everything from my 401K, would I be paid out all of my sick days (that I'm pressured into not taking), would I be paid out all of my vacation days. That would get me started atleast. But once I'm where I want to be, would I find jobs here and there to make enough to make it to the next leg of my trip? I guess thats part of the journey is figuring it out as you go along.
Trying to figure out the future while in the here and now makes me extremely antsy. I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I get excited and hopeful in whole different way than I've felt in a very long time. I look forward to figuring this puzzle out. I look forward to discovery.
links for later:
http://www.couchsurfing.org
http://www.budgetglobetrotting.com/
http://traveltips.usatoday.com/clothes-packing-tips-backpackers-international-travel-1505.html
http://www.startbackpacking.com/travel/backpacking-packing-list/
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Even after all these years one thing still sticks out in my mind...... I am in love with the idea of love. I still struggle with the definition of this. I know it doesn't mean I'm a hopeless romantic, I know there is a difference. Yet what is it?
You get your crushes, sure. You get your heart ripped out, sure. You fall head over heels for someone, sure. You have those who will continuously hold a piece of your heart, sure. You get those who simply love you for the flawed person that you are, sure. There will always be those who have slipped through your fingers, sure.
Is it simply all of the above or none of it.
I miss that feeling of longing, that craving of another, but I don't want to classify that longing under a incomplete definition, of something that I don't fully understand.
I think it will always be a mixture of things, but maybe someone will solidify it for me one day.
You get your crushes, sure. You get your heart ripped out, sure. You fall head over heels for someone, sure. You have those who will continuously hold a piece of your heart, sure. You get those who simply love you for the flawed person that you are, sure. There will always be those who have slipped through your fingers, sure.
Is it simply all of the above or none of it.
I miss that feeling of longing, that craving of another, but I don't want to classify that longing under a incomplete definition, of something that I don't fully understand.
I think it will always be a mixture of things, but maybe someone will solidify it for me one day.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The same familiar hollow and empty shell has consumed me once again. Yet theres a nervousness, a slight fuzzy electricity in my chest like something is waiting to burst out. An uneasiness in my stomach. Some sort of atmospheric pressure thats making it hard to breathe. Is this the beginning of the end, is the life merely being sucked out of me? My mind is in a constant whirlwind, my heart is caught in a hurricane. Shall I say I'm confused? I could but I'm not. Bottom line is that I'm not happy. Yet from every angle I should be, by all definitions I have a perfect life. Comfortable and safe, but..... I'm discontent.
After 2 divorces and a failed engagement, my mom finally found the perfect person for her. Before, she settled for a mediocre life, a mediocre existence, merely passing time away. I can't explain her reason or what was going on in her head or in her heart. However, I know she felt trapped and had no idea how to escape from it. I still wonder what was so bad with my parents marriage, why she left him. The other men I know why she left them. I can see it in my dad's eyes sometimes that part of him still deeply loves my mother, even though it was 20 years ago. I think that no matter how hard you've loved and lost that there are those who still hold a piece of your heart. By all definitions they had a perfect life. And I am now a by-product of divorce. Does it define me? No. Has is profoundly affected me? Definitely.
With that being said. I have a better relationship than anyone could ask for, granted it has its flaws of course. Nothing worth throwing away the last two years though. I read something the other day in the PostSecret book, the guy said "after 50 years of marriage he didn't remember why he loved his wife. But after 50 years of marriage love was all he needed." Something along those lines atleast. My neighbor keeps telling me to ask myself where I see myself in 5 years, then 10 and so forth. Simple answer is I'll be on my own. At this point in my life love may not be enough, especially if its an emotion I'm not feeling anymore. I can't wrap my head around this concept, of love not being enough. Like my dad, he loved my mom to no end, when she left him it shattered his heart. I don't want to be that person, the heartbreaker. But its a role I'm so familiar with.
Something else always pops in to my head when I think of this, theres a part in the movie Date Night (awesome example right?), they're talking in the car and she tells her husband that she doesn't ever picture herself leaving him for another man, but to be alone. Thats how I feel, I don't want another relationship with someone, I just want to be, just simply be. I want more out of life but I have no clue what that might be. Maybe to just be open to everything, accept what may come my way, take risks, to be able to jump without looking back, no restraints. I think over the last 2 years I've lost part of myself and I'm not blaming that on anyone, its just a plain fact. I'm terrified of being 8 years down the road and not knowing where time went, I don't want to wake up and have regrets. I do believe that life is too short to waste. So perhaps I just want to be with myself and allow myself to enjoy what life has to offer whatever that may be, I miss having my own space and being my own person. On one of my previous entries, years ago I remember saying that I was ready to settle down and I did it, it happened and its been amazing. But I think I'm ready for something else now.
Truly scares the shit out of me. I am so settled, comfortable, and safe where I am now. How do you just walk away from that? How do I tell everyone that I'd no longer be with the person they loved so much and would no longer be a part of the family? I think her and I both have growing to do as people but I feel that it has and will take us in different directions. So can it really be the best for both of us? Or just for me? Am I being selfish again? I think most of all that if I continue this relationship we will end up having an ugly break up and I will lose my best friend. I do not want to be in that position where I hate and resent the person that I care so much about. That brings up this, I feel more like a best friend than a lover, I should be both.... but i'm not. What do you do with that? Fucking scary thought/emotion that I can get out of my head. Out of all of this I really don't want to lose my best friend.
Fuck.
......sigh.......
Really not sure what to do, but I need to decide soon before it blows up in my face. Which will probably happen regardless.
Why must things always be so complicated, I want it to be easy. But thats life I suppose. Wish I had some peace of mind right now.
And some other movie scenes that keep popping my my head, from Imagine Me and You.
H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Luce: It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.
Heck: It's not you leaving that's going to kill me. It's you loving someone more.
Rachel: No. you're not walking way. Don't... don't walk away from me.
Heck: Yeah keep saying that. Pretend this is my choice.
Rachel: What do you MEAN?
Heck: Oh come on Rachel. We both know you'd have left me in the end.
Rachel: That's not true.
Heck: Yes it is. I want you to be happy. More than anything else I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. But if I'm not, then I can't stand in the way, you see? Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force. Which means that I've got to move.
After 2 divorces and a failed engagement, my mom finally found the perfect person for her. Before, she settled for a mediocre life, a mediocre existence, merely passing time away. I can't explain her reason or what was going on in her head or in her heart. However, I know she felt trapped and had no idea how to escape from it. I still wonder what was so bad with my parents marriage, why she left him. The other men I know why she left them. I can see it in my dad's eyes sometimes that part of him still deeply loves my mother, even though it was 20 years ago. I think that no matter how hard you've loved and lost that there are those who still hold a piece of your heart. By all definitions they had a perfect life. And I am now a by-product of divorce. Does it define me? No. Has is profoundly affected me? Definitely.
With that being said. I have a better relationship than anyone could ask for, granted it has its flaws of course. Nothing worth throwing away the last two years though. I read something the other day in the PostSecret book, the guy said "after 50 years of marriage he didn't remember why he loved his wife. But after 50 years of marriage love was all he needed." Something along those lines atleast. My neighbor keeps telling me to ask myself where I see myself in 5 years, then 10 and so forth. Simple answer is I'll be on my own. At this point in my life love may not be enough, especially if its an emotion I'm not feeling anymore. I can't wrap my head around this concept, of love not being enough. Like my dad, he loved my mom to no end, when she left him it shattered his heart. I don't want to be that person, the heartbreaker. But its a role I'm so familiar with.
Something else always pops in to my head when I think of this, theres a part in the movie Date Night (awesome example right?), they're talking in the car and she tells her husband that she doesn't ever picture herself leaving him for another man, but to be alone. Thats how I feel, I don't want another relationship with someone, I just want to be, just simply be. I want more out of life but I have no clue what that might be. Maybe to just be open to everything, accept what may come my way, take risks, to be able to jump without looking back, no restraints. I think over the last 2 years I've lost part of myself and I'm not blaming that on anyone, its just a plain fact. I'm terrified of being 8 years down the road and not knowing where time went, I don't want to wake up and have regrets. I do believe that life is too short to waste. So perhaps I just want to be with myself and allow myself to enjoy what life has to offer whatever that may be, I miss having my own space and being my own person. On one of my previous entries, years ago I remember saying that I was ready to settle down and I did it, it happened and its been amazing. But I think I'm ready for something else now.
Truly scares the shit out of me. I am so settled, comfortable, and safe where I am now. How do you just walk away from that? How do I tell everyone that I'd no longer be with the person they loved so much and would no longer be a part of the family? I think her and I both have growing to do as people but I feel that it has and will take us in different directions. So can it really be the best for both of us? Or just for me? Am I being selfish again? I think most of all that if I continue this relationship we will end up having an ugly break up and I will lose my best friend. I do not want to be in that position where I hate and resent the person that I care so much about. That brings up this, I feel more like a best friend than a lover, I should be both.... but i'm not. What do you do with that? Fucking scary thought/emotion that I can get out of my head. Out of all of this I really don't want to lose my best friend.
Fuck.
......sigh.......
Really not sure what to do, but I need to decide soon before it blows up in my face. Which will probably happen regardless.
Why must things always be so complicated, I want it to be easy. But thats life I suppose. Wish I had some peace of mind right now.
And some other movie scenes that keep popping my my head, from Imagine Me and You.
H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Luce: It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.
Heck: It's not you leaving that's going to kill me. It's you loving someone more.
Rachel: No. you're not walking way. Don't... don't walk away from me.
Heck: Yeah keep saying that. Pretend this is my choice.
Rachel: What do you MEAN?
Heck: Oh come on Rachel. We both know you'd have left me in the end.
Rachel: That's not true.
Heck: Yes it is. I want you to be happy. More than anything else I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. But if I'm not, then I can't stand in the way, you see? Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force. Which means that I've got to move.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
In pursuit of passion.
Its been well over a year since I’ve written. Shall we call it writer’s block or lack of things to write about. Are most of my blogs merely senseless ramblings or me going off in a tirade, or are they deep philosophical stories of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I write most when I am depressed and in need of some sort of escape. I am most creative when I am at my lowest. I write out of passion for something, the deep burning desire to express how I feel. Its been on my mind constantly for some time now, I don’t feel passionate about much at all these days. I crave to write but nothing comes to mind. What topic what situation do I feel compelled to write about, nothing. Have I become comfortably numb again, or am I simply content with life right now. I have to agree to disagree on that one, I am neither but both at the same time.
I’ve had so much on my mind the last several months, I think I’ve began to suppress it. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten, after all my mind has gone to shit over the last year or two.
The above was written over a year ago, I had saved it as a draft in hope I would continue to add to it. And that is my example of what I was trying to convey, and as of now nothing has changed.
I miss my imagination.
I miss myself.
I miss letting my heart write for me.
Its been well over a year since I’ve written. Shall we call it writer’s block or lack of things to write about. Are most of my blogs merely senseless ramblings or me going off in a tirade, or are they deep philosophical stories of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I write most when I am depressed and in need of some sort of escape. I am most creative when I am at my lowest. I write out of passion for something, the deep burning desire to express how I feel. Its been on my mind constantly for some time now, I don’t feel passionate about much at all these days. I crave to write but nothing comes to mind. What topic what situation do I feel compelled to write about, nothing. Have I become comfortably numb again, or am I simply content with life right now. I have to agree to disagree on that one, I am neither but both at the same time.
I’ve had so much on my mind the last several months, I think I’ve began to suppress it. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten, after all my mind has gone to shit over the last year or two.
The above was written over a year ago, I had saved it as a draft in hope I would continue to add to it. And that is my example of what I was trying to convey, and as of now nothing has changed.
I miss my imagination.
I miss myself.
I miss letting my heart write for me.
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