I'm so drained of myself. Very tired. And its hard to let go of the first place and things that was ever really yours, my apartment that is. Kat and I are moving in together, which is part of the reason i've been so stressed and been so crazy. I will be one month short of a year of living here in my own place. I'm so exhausted right now, and i haven't even done anything.

I can't emphasize enough right now how much I really want to kill myself. Thats it plain and simple. I have no control over most of my life anymore. No say in anything, nothing, it just is, it has to be that way. Fucking bullshit, tired of it.

I'm so scared of myself right now. No matter how well my life is going, I can't hide from myself, even when i'm not trying to hide. I've spent the last 4 nights huddled in a corner in my closet or on the porch or outside on the sidewalk, crying my eyes out, for hours. The thoughts that go through my head, terrify me. I have no control over them, and since the last time i relapsed (which was out of rage and purely impulsive), i'm scare of what i can actually do. Before I always had a limit, now it seems to diminish more and more each time. I try and think of who I could call, but stop myself knowing everyone is asleep. There has always been something that has stopped me from calling people. I don't think my own girlfriend realizes exactly how bad it is right now, she doesn't realize that everytime i go "run away" all i want her to do is come after me and just hold me for forever. Things have gotten considerably worse, my temper (or rage) i can't seem to control anymore. I've punched a hole through my bedroom window, broken my new cellphone by throwing it, sliced a major cut in my leg (which i probably should had stitches for), tried to make myself throw up cause i just feel so nauseous. Repeatedly i just want to drive off the road and slam head on into a road barrier. It makes me sick to think of it all. But its true. I keep spiraling more and more out of control, but this time i have no grasp on anything. My emotions run rampant, while my body more often than not functions like the living dead.

Hmm... not sure what to do really, the medicine just seems to be making it worse. But I don't know. We will see, but for now i'm off to work.

Subject story of my life.....
Posted Date: Thursday, April 27, 2006 - 12:08 AM

So the story of my life, lol not much to it really, lol. Just thought i'd share some pictures.

  

Draco being cute as ever, and Orion giving an evil glare to the new pup.

 

Now I have two animals that like to whisper secrets into your ear.  Her name is Lilo, Kat found her roaming around my apartments

Finally someone besides the cat that Draco can beatup or well play with.

So for my birthday, I started planning about a month before.  I wanted to go to Fossil Rim, which is in my hometown.  Its a wildlife refuge for endangered animals and such. You can drive through and feed them as you go.  When we were there not all of the animals were out cause it was in the middle of the day.  But even so, here are some pictures.

 

Ostriches are evil, EVIL!!!!!! lol

This guy was so cute, had beautiful markings, but guessing he was sick or something cause they had him locked up, lol. We finally found the rest of them, they were in a back corner far from the road by one of the ponds. Its amazing when they are all loose, and funny as hell when they stick their heads in/practically through your car.

 

Emus are ok, they're my height.

yeah yeah we all know they're cute. lol but they can't be shitheads too, like the one below. lol he bit me, or well he was eating out of my hand but got most of my hand with it as well.  Didn't hurt too bad.

The Rhinos are awesome, and if you ever go on one of the behind the scenes tour there, maybe you'll get to see them definitely up close and personal.  Got to do that when i was a freshman in highschool.

 

I'm such a poser i know.

I love the woods.

This is the smile that i love so much, she was laughing her ass off after the Zebra bit me.

yeah we're dorks.

Home Sweet Home, for me at least. Can you see why i like to go home, hardly anything but country :)

So anyways, hope ya enjoyed the pictures and such.

Subject my birthday
Posted Date: Friday, April 21, 2006 - 12:29 AM

so as of 2 1/2 hours ago or all of yesterday, i turned 20 years old.  Yay for me.  haha..... right.  But nah.... thanks to everyone who sent me messages, comments, or text messages and such.  Love you all. 

Subject yepyep
Posted Date: Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 12:55 AM

got my lip pierced tonight. pictures to come later, but for now i'm going to watch a movie. adios.