They say time heals everything
Current mood: focused
Category: Romance and Relationships


Then why am I still broken, why am I still lost and confused.

I've been thinking about alot lately, which I tend to do when I'm stressed, lonely and when drama comes my way. It seems no matter what I do I fail at making things work, I cross lines that I shouldn't, and when I do things can never go back to the way that they were. Its how I always find irony amusing when new people I meet ask me why I don't have many friends. You could say I look for love in all the wrong places, I find it in all the wrong places, but sometimes I think I just find it with completely wrong timing. People tell their stories, I've started to get tired of telling mine, well I haven't start to, I am tired of it. It's the same thing repeatedly over and over again. When will I make the pattern end. When will I differentiate the lines of love, lust and friendship. Will I ever fully stop being co-dependent.

A friend of mine stated something to me the other day, how shes ready to take care of someone. Which triggered a completely different thought in my head. What her words meant were to settle down and have a life with someone. I completely agree, I think we all long for that happiness, that completeness, to be able to be content and happy with someone. They say you tend to find things when you aren't looking, or your so busy looking at one thing, the real opportunity passes you by. I've been wrapped up in the whole damn thing, looking to long, being paranoid I'm missing something else. I'm fucking exhausted. I've been used to go out by myself, and have been told far too many times that I seem content with being alone. Yeah I can be content with it, but silently going insane. I can be alone, but my loneliness starts to eat at me, I've pretty much determined that's why I jump the guns on dating. Old habits die hard. Patience is a virtue I don't really have with that. I'm like my mom in a lot of ways, I settle for things, I've settled for someone I knew deep down things wouldn't work out in the end, it wasn't the forever kind of thing. Doesn't mean that I never cared for those people, I just knew I wouldn't be completely happy. Which yeah a lot of it has to do with being co-dependent, wanting to take care of someone, trying to fix someone, to help them change. They can only change when they want to, I can't do anything for them, I can't make them better, they have to make that choice.

I know I've written quite a bit of the same things before. But I'm still searching for the answer I don't think will ever be found. I suck at dating, I tend to scare people away cause I can be too intense (which some have perceived as I fall really fast). I don't fall too fast, I wear my heart on my sleeve when I'm ready and I'm very picky on who I date. If you know me very well you should know it takes a lot for me to risk my heart, risk being hurt. It takes a lot for me to take down my walls, which I don't really do, but I take the risks with someone I know I can trust to let my guard down with. What the fuck am I talking about, this all seems like senseless rambling after awhile.

Ok so heres some simplification. I'm fucking lonely. I'm tired of jumping into things with people who are just going to turn me down or with people who I know I'm not going to fall for. Want me to explain that, here you go: I'm a very sexual person and it sucks cause for some reason the idea of sleeping around bothers me. So I freak the hell out when I cross certain lines with people who are my friends, friends who I used to have crushes on, people I've always felt that sexual tension with. Oh god who I know writing this is only going to bite me in the ass. So more simplification, I'm a very sexual person, but I can't just sleep around cause I want more than that. Sure being physically close to someone may be nice, but that doesn't last for very long. I want to be emotionally close to someone and equally attracted sexually.

I suppose that's why people run from me, cause the moments I give in and just have fun, those people remember that I'm looking for more and it triggers that fear. The fear of oh god I can't handle this person, I can't handle all that their asking from me. When in fact I'm asking nothing, nothing other than that moment. That's the sad thing is when you or someone else can't differentiate when its just a momentary thing and when you're wanting more than that. Suppose that's why I try to be as honest as possible.

I'm just tired. Tired of being lonely, but I refuse to give into the next available thing. Ok just take your ticket and get in line, no thanks. Good things come to those who wait, karma, patience is a virtue. How much is truth, how much is it all fate or random luck. Do choices we make determine the random events of our life. There are certain components of life that we can control but the rest of it are truly random. Can my random choices and someone else's choice collide into one life altering infinite path. Meaning can two halves really become one and stay that way. Do soulmates really exist, is there really another half that fits you perfectly.

Where to the lines of fact and fiction end. When does it all stop becoming day-dreams and become reality. Will it ever stop seeming like a never-ending amount of bullshit.

Yeah I long for the day I can make that connection with someone, whats the point in me lying about that. I've had an excessively long list of wrong turns, failed attempts and high hopes. Forgive me for wanting more than that. But I know I'm not the only one, I know that these things don't make me crazy. I know I sound like an idiot a lot of the times, but I figure one day someone will get me, really get who I am, and not care. I won't have to ramble continuously about curiosities and life's perplexities.

Life is constantly changing, everything in it is whether we realize it or not. So yes I have changed, I have changed over the years, months, weeks and days. So if I sound different, don't act too surprised. Like I've said before, I may change, but my feelings don't just disappear over night. My heart will take time to mend itself, it will take time to let go, it will take time drop its walls. When the timing is right, it will happen, though not all at once, it will happen, that I know for sure.

Theres a saying I got from one of my favorite movies, part of it atleast and I've made it into my own. All I can do in this very moment and the next after that is to keep searching the infinite abyss of life, one day I will find all that I've ever been looking for. That is what keeps me going, that is what motivates me. So I try to live for this moment and love life with all that I have. One day, one moment.


COMMENTS:

SARAH WIITA: people told me time heals everything too... idk. im still holding the pieces of my heart together with the remenents of my empty hope and broken dreams.
had it together just enough to risk getting it shattered again. that is why i had
the great idea of not exposing it for a while - but that didnt work out so well.
some people can see right through pain and fear and loniless, no matter what
else i call those states and emotions or what excuses i give.