!!Getting Aggravated!!
Yeah I'm getting quite aggravated, because Erika is leaving next thursday to go to North Carolina to play soccer in college. So I won't get to see/meet her till christmas break or spring break. So we/I decided that I wanted to see her before she goes. So we talked about this on monday. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, I've been working things out to where I could go. So I worked it out with my boss as Dinosaur VSP, and she let me off on friday. And at Oakdale I work tomorrow till 4. So then I started thinking, ok I could go up there and stay the night in a hotel, and then go home the next afternoon, and spend all that time (hopefully) with her. So what does Erin do. I reserve a hotel room, but you have to be 18 to check in when you get there, but Erin is only 17. I've been calling Erika since yesterday around 12:00, I barely talked to her last night, the phone cut out. I left a message on her answer machine, and a voicemail. I even text messaged her to check her email (cause since I couldn't get ahold of her, I emailed her, hoping she'd get it). I'm tried calling her all day today, got ahold of her, she was out, she told me she'd call me when she got home. She hasn't called me back yet. I've been calling her still, no answer. I'd really like to get ahold of her to know if I come down if I'll actually get to hang out with her. Cause I don't want to go down there and have it be a waste of time, meaning not getting to see her cause I couldn't get ahold of her. I'm worried now, I don't want to go down there and not be able to see her. I have a room reserved right now on my mom's credit card, if I have to cancel the reservation I have to by 6 p.m. But most of all I really want to go see her, and this is my only opportunity. Yeah I'm really about to go crazy, cause I can't get ahold of her, to tell her this. I mean she needs a heads up... so she can make arrangements.
**Miranda**
Yeah last night I went to her house after practice. Well like as soon as I got home, I got a text message from her it said: damn I wanted to kiss you so bad. I mean come on, where does she come off saying that. Seriously. Dammit, GET OVER ME PLEASE. I'm going crazy. Its really hard to be her friend right now, cause I can tell all shes thinking about is trying to flirt with me, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I really just want to tell her to leave me alone for awhile, but then I know she'll call a few hours later. She just simply can't get it into her head, no means no. And leave me alone, means leave me alone. I really could use a break from her. I've been doing fine being away from Shanina, and I know I could do without Miranda for awhile. I know that sounds harsh, but you're not in my shoes. Ok and to be completely honest I'm not attracted to her whatsoever. I mean I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I just don't have and deeper connection with her romantically, its just not possible. She may think she loves me, but she doesn't, she doesn't know what love is, shes not mature enough to really understand/feel it. Speaking of maturity, I always feel like I'm babysitting or something when I'm around her. Ok and I know I may be the party pooper, but I think theres a line between having fun, and just be a complete jackass. And another thing, I'm sorry but I really don't think farting is very attractive at all. Ok so yeah being friends with Miranda is cool and all, but sometimes/alot of the time I feel smothered, cause she always calls and wants to go do something, etc. I mean things she did when we were together. WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE, GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD. I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch, but all of its getting quite exhausting. It like one of those situations, where your try to tip-toe around as if to try and not hurt the other person, but you know in the end you'll just end up hurting them. Thats how I feel right now, I'm sick of avoiding the enevitable. So here we go, the harsh truth. Miranda I do not love you or even remotely have feelings for you anymore, but I never really loved you in the first place, I wouldn't allow myself to. But you never really gave me a fair chance, since I never really knew the real you, till after I broke up with you. I'm not attracted to you emotionally/mentally, you are you Miranda you can't change that. I love intelligence, which has been unfair to you cause I've compared you to other people (had expectations which I knew you couldn't live up to), but you're just not up to my level, and no I'm not saying you're stupid cause you're not. I've tried so hard to get you to realize your potential, I've helped you some, but not fully, you could still do more. And I'm not say do more for me, I mean for you. Really please stop trying to make me happy all the time, quit trying to impress me, quit trying to change yourself to please me. Do something for yourself for a change. Your life does not revolve around me. I'm tired of trying to keep you away from me, you always complain about those people who like you and follow you everywhere. Guess what, your that same person. Ok I know you've seen Not Another Teen Movie, well you're the best friend. You can keep trying your best but your never going to really get the girl. You had the girl, ya'll had ya'lls moment in time, and now its time to move on (for you 5 months after the breakup, for me it was before that 5 months began). Being friends it cool, but I don't want a relationship, hell I don't even want friends with benefits anymore. I'm sick of it. You were a great first girlfriend, but I can gaurantee you, you won't be my last. And even though I know you'll think its stupid, but I will have boyfriends too. Get used to it. I'm the girl who'll date the rest of her life, and end up alone but still be happy with the way she lived. So please understand me, give me my space. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I can't help it, you should have let go the moment we broke up.
So well its 1 in the morning, I'm tired and I have to work in the morning, and I still don't fucking know if I'm going to Austin or not. FRUSTRATED!!
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Sunday, July 27, 2003
!!Oh Goodness What to Write!!
I'm quite tired at the moment. I got home last night at 11:45 and crashed right away. I left friday night to go with my youth from church to go Schiltterbahn. I had a blast. Not to mention I got to spend alot of time with Gina, which had good and weird effects. I sat behind her on the bus, and got to talk with her, and watch a movie with her kind of (lol I had my head stuck in between her chairs cause the people behind me were loud and I couldn't hear, plus sitting like that I could see the tv alot better). I got to get to know alot of people it was really cool. Lol me Gina and Ally (sp?) got really close, lol we all slept in the same bed. I had like a foot to sleep in, but no complaints on my part, I was laying my Gina, and she was so close to me, thats basically why I didn't have any room to lay on. But also I tried to keep space between me and Gina cause I didn't want to make her "uncomfortable." But yeah I only slept like 10 minutes at the most that night, I mean how could I, I had the most beautiful girl sleeping right next to me. Shes so cute when she sleeps. Sometimes she'd move too close to me and she'd touch me, and like it would make me jump and send tingles all through my body. I kept hoping I'd just see her eyes open and look up at me, and be wanting the same thing I was. But she didn't. I didn't get to touch her on my own, and almost get punched for it, lol she was sleep walking it was so hilarious. Like I was laying there, and I felt her leg twich, which I knew she does. Well two seconds later she sits up, throws off the covers, and gets out of bed. Now this woke Ally up. Well Gina started walking to the bathroom, and I looked at Ally and I laughed I was like what is she doing. Then I heard her started banging on something, so I got up and hurried towards her. She was pulling on the front door, trying to get it open, but we had latched the lock. Well I grabbed her sides, and I was like what are you doing, she kind of gasped and turned around and brought her hands up like she was about to hit me, but she didn't (she has hit Jennifer before and gave her a bloody nose, lol). Well I thought I woke her up then, but I didn't. Well she walked back to the bed and didn't make it, she made it to the corner of it, and sat on her knees on the floor and laid her head on the bed. So I was like ok, so I got back in bed and watched her, then she crawled back in bed and messed with the covers, and once she settle down I heard her mumble something, Ally told me that she said "I have to feed my cat." I thought it was hilarious, she didn't ever believe us that she did that, but it was quite funny.
But yeah we had a blast at Schitterbahn, we didn't go to the second part of the park, but we still had a great time. We were constantly laughing. I even got some exercise, seriously I did. The water was so cold, it felt great. What they do every night is they drain out all the water, and then check all of the rides to see if any repairs need to be made. Well then in the morning they refill it all, and cholrinate it all, so its always fresh, I thought that was some cool info. I'm not sure if they do that every night, or just every other day. I swear on this trip, I've never heard so many gay comments, it was weird and ironic. If only they knew. Seriously like every other thing said had to do with being gay, it was kind of funny. For some reason it doesn't bother me, but I can't really join in on the jokes cause for me its not a joke. But yeah for the first time in my life I'm comfortable with a church, I don't feel weird, the people actually talk to me, include me, they make me feel at home, I love it. Its also cool, cause they're not all weird about telling you how to live, they still watch regular movies and listend to regular music, and they're ok with it. They're ok with having problems or realizing you may have made some mistakes before, but they don't hold it against you or make you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. Its really cool, I love it, I love the people.
**Erika**
So just a little bit ago, I just got done talking with my old friend Erika. I hadn't talked to her in atleast 7-8 months. But I'd been thinking about her alot, as a friend. I've especially been thinking about her alot since soccer camp, cause I met a girl thats one of her best friends. I've been thinking about calling her alot lately. And then the last two days I've been in Austin, where she lives, then I really thought about calling her, but I thought it would be weird since we hadn't talked in so long. So I never called. Well tonight, I get online, and alittle after I start a movie and eating dinner she gets online and IMs me. The only reason why I got out of bed, is because I saw the little picture icon she has, Buzz Lightyear, the Erika trademark. It surprised the crap out of me. It was really good getting to talk to her, I've really missed her. Its seems a little weird now, talking to her occasionally, we used to talk every night on the net, and then we'd either stay on the net till 3 or 4 in the morning. Or we'd talk on the phone till 3 or 4 in the morning. It was greatness, miss those days. I'm pleased to just have gotten to talk to her. Shes still dating Liz, in 2 weeks it will be a year. I still think our moments of thinking about each other relationship wise, was all in all we ended up helping each other move on from the people in our past. Which is actually true, we both did that for each other. Cause I remember when we stopped thinking about each other relationship wise, and shortly after (like a week or so), she hooked up with Liz, and they've been going strong since. They truely love each other. You know I was thinking. Erika and I have never actually met in person, yet we're such good friends. Funny how things work out sometimes.
~!~Sara~!~
This girl boggles my mind. I wish I lived by her. Cause I would sweep her off her feet, and make her DREAMS come true. I really, honestly would. I hate it when shes sad, and when she says shes unattractive and all that. I wish she knew how much shes wrong. I think shes this amazing, beautiful girl who is extremely talented. I'm totally in love with her voice, shes an amazing singer. Shes also a really good drawer (artist/sketcher, whatever you call it). She can play the guitar and several other instruments. Seriously I know no one else who is as talented as her. And she really is beautiful, I just wish she could realize it. Shes upset at the moment cause shes in the middle of moving right now, to Washington. I plan on going to visit her on one of our holiday breaks.
And I'm very sincere about that, I'm really going to try to go. I haven't gotten to talk to her all weekend, I miss her. I wonder if shes sent that demo yet. Shes supposed to send me one of her demos. I'm really pysched about it, I'm going to jam to her in my car. And then I'm going to get all of my friends hooked on her too (which is possible). I really can't wait to get it. I really want to talk to Sara, I really do miss her. Yeah distance sucks sometimes. You should go here and listend to her music:
~~Miranda~~
Shes about to drive me crazy. But it seems like its always like that. She made me pretty mad before I left on friday. Everything ends up pissing me off. Ok its like with Amanda, Amanda always asks if Miranda has mentioned her. And Miranda always asked if Amanda has talked shit about her. Well the other day one of the first things Miranda asks me when she calls me, she was wanting to know what Amanda's blogger address was. And I was like why, she was like because. I was like no, you only want it so you can see if shes talking shit about you. And I was like a just so you know, she hasn't talked shit about you, and matter of fact shes hardly even talked about you on it. I was like I'm sick of this, if you're so interested in what she saying why don't you just ask her, she was like I can't, cause anything I do has its complications. I asked what that meant. She said that if she did try to be friends with her, it would all happen again. Amanda would want to be more than friends, she would end up hurting her, then everyone would hate her. I told her that Amanda didn't like her like that anymore, but she didn't believe me. I'm just sick of it all. Amanda really made the effort to be friends with her again, but Miranda just turns her down and treats her like a piece of dirt (doesn't really talk shit, but refuses to have any thing to do with her). It really pisses me off. It seems like her life revolves completely around me. Even her fight with other people, end up having to do something with me. I hate it. I like being her friend and all, but I'm about to go crazy. Ok I feel like I'm a babysitter or something. I have to try and keep her out of trouble, and I still doubt that shes actually being good. I always have to be there for her to gripe to, normally I don't mind, but she always gripes about the same old shit. I mean seriusly if something bothers you that damn much, then do something about it. Don't sit there and dwell about it, that gets you no where.
I wish she could get over me, damn that sounds conceited, but its not a secret that shes not over me. I really feel as if shes holding me back. Or like I've said in another entry, other people have been holding me back. Cause they always seem to make it about her, and I don't want it to be about her. I have more to life than just Miranda. I am not her keeper, I don't know what exactly shes doing or wheres shes at, so please stop asking. Ok well you know how little kids like you copy you. Well Miranda does this, and it drives me crazy. Like all of the things I say or tell her that I think the most. She starts using them as if they were her own thoughts or sayings. I know that seems weird, but I'm just like that. Like saying Laters is my thing. And my thoughts on being gay are mine (she never "thought" that until she heard it from me). I know I sound ridiculous, but it really drives me crazy when she does that. I feel like shes always trying to impress me, I hate that. You're never yourself when you try to impress someone. Besides theres no use in her trying to impress me, I'm not going to take her back, I've told her that a million times, but I think she still thinks its a phase, I suppose I haven't helped that much. Cause I've let a few things happen that I shouldn't have, and I now wish I wouldn't have let them happen. Ok and another thing that drives me crazy is that she can never remember anything. She can never remember anything I tell her, anything I've written, anything anyone else has written or said, anything about a movie we just watched, she can't even remember what she just said. I really do hate it. I also really hate it when she doesn't shut up in a movie, thats why I watch movies by myself. Ok and just so you know there a huge difference in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and copying the Hulk, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a classic novel, the Hulk is from a comic book strip.
I'm not quite sure what to do. Sometimes I just wish I could tell her to leave me alone for awhile, but I know that will never happen, its just not possible, plus that would hurt her feelings. Its just I need air. I'm tired of everything ending up being about her, cause I'm not head over heels for her. I'm tired of being the reason she fights with her other friends. I'm sick of it all really. And I can only wait until she reads this, because she is going to blow it way out of proportion like she always does. Oh Joy.
**Amanda**
She really is quite a good writer, shes been posting some new poems. I really like them, she has rhythm but it also has a deeper meaning in them. We talk alot on the net. We're actaully pretty close, we talk about everything. Earlier she kept telling me that I was different than everyone, that I was mature, and she felt small around me like I was above her but it was in a good way. She said that I was always the advice giver, she also said that I was really smart. That I knew how to have fun, and not doing anything illeagal, lol. Shes said alot of other stuff, but I don't remember them all. But they were all positive. Today we've mainly been talking about Gina and all of the weird/wonderings of her. Like Amanda, everytime she thinks of Gina she can't picture her with a guy, which I found funny, but I also agree. But then again I go back onto my trip of the unattainable. But yeah Amanda is a cool girl, she deserves to be happy, I really hope things between her and Bailey work out (them getting together).
!!Unattainable!!
Seriously whats with this. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm so lonely, and I keep longing for the unttainable, which the list now only consists of Gina, if you haven't noticed. I just wish she could give me some sort of chance, besides just friends, I could fall hopelessly/endlessly/head over heels in love with her. And I'd be completely happy and content with just holding her hand or even less than that, simply looking in her eyes is good enough, or even just being in her prescence. If she wanted to take it slow, then I would. I'd do anything for her. Hello Erin's on a major crush trip here, wonder when she'll be back. I'm only making myself lonlier. Longing for something I'll probably never be able to have, is just not healthly. And then I stop and think, why do I even need a relationship. I shouldn't need one. I guess I just long for that love and affection I've always wanted and needed. I feel that I should take the risk and tell Gina how I feel, but then theres the fear of rejection, and the fear of ruining our friendship. I'm not quite sure what to do.
Well I think I'm done for the night, I'm ready to go to bed. I'm exhausted. So Laters.
I'm quite tired at the moment. I got home last night at 11:45 and crashed right away. I left friday night to go with my youth from church to go Schiltterbahn. I had a blast. Not to mention I got to spend alot of time with Gina, which had good and weird effects. I sat behind her on the bus, and got to talk with her, and watch a movie with her kind of (lol I had my head stuck in between her chairs cause the people behind me were loud and I couldn't hear, plus sitting like that I could see the tv alot better). I got to get to know alot of people it was really cool. Lol me Gina and Ally (sp?) got really close, lol we all slept in the same bed. I had like a foot to sleep in, but no complaints on my part, I was laying my Gina, and she was so close to me, thats basically why I didn't have any room to lay on. But also I tried to keep space between me and Gina cause I didn't want to make her "uncomfortable." But yeah I only slept like 10 minutes at the most that night, I mean how could I, I had the most beautiful girl sleeping right next to me. Shes so cute when she sleeps. Sometimes she'd move too close to me and she'd touch me, and like it would make me jump and send tingles all through my body. I kept hoping I'd just see her eyes open and look up at me, and be wanting the same thing I was. But she didn't. I didn't get to touch her on my own, and almost get punched for it, lol she was sleep walking it was so hilarious. Like I was laying there, and I felt her leg twich, which I knew she does. Well two seconds later she sits up, throws off the covers, and gets out of bed. Now this woke Ally up. Well Gina started walking to the bathroom, and I looked at Ally and I laughed I was like what is she doing. Then I heard her started banging on something, so I got up and hurried towards her. She was pulling on the front door, trying to get it open, but we had latched the lock. Well I grabbed her sides, and I was like what are you doing, she kind of gasped and turned around and brought her hands up like she was about to hit me, but she didn't (she has hit Jennifer before and gave her a bloody nose, lol). Well I thought I woke her up then, but I didn't. Well she walked back to the bed and didn't make it, she made it to the corner of it, and sat on her knees on the floor and laid her head on the bed. So I was like ok, so I got back in bed and watched her, then she crawled back in bed and messed with the covers, and once she settle down I heard her mumble something, Ally told me that she said "I have to feed my cat." I thought it was hilarious, she didn't ever believe us that she did that, but it was quite funny.
But yeah we had a blast at Schitterbahn, we didn't go to the second part of the park, but we still had a great time. We were constantly laughing. I even got some exercise, seriously I did. The water was so cold, it felt great. What they do every night is they drain out all the water, and then check all of the rides to see if any repairs need to be made. Well then in the morning they refill it all, and cholrinate it all, so its always fresh, I thought that was some cool info. I'm not sure if they do that every night, or just every other day. I swear on this trip, I've never heard so many gay comments, it was weird and ironic. If only they knew. Seriously like every other thing said had to do with being gay, it was kind of funny. For some reason it doesn't bother me, but I can't really join in on the jokes cause for me its not a joke. But yeah for the first time in my life I'm comfortable with a church, I don't feel weird, the people actually talk to me, include me, they make me feel at home, I love it. Its also cool, cause they're not all weird about telling you how to live, they still watch regular movies and listend to regular music, and they're ok with it. They're ok with having problems or realizing you may have made some mistakes before, but they don't hold it against you or make you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. Its really cool, I love it, I love the people.
**Erika**
So just a little bit ago, I just got done talking with my old friend Erika. I hadn't talked to her in atleast 7-8 months. But I'd been thinking about her alot, as a friend. I've especially been thinking about her alot since soccer camp, cause I met a girl thats one of her best friends. I've been thinking about calling her alot lately. And then the last two days I've been in Austin, where she lives, then I really thought about calling her, but I thought it would be weird since we hadn't talked in so long. So I never called. Well tonight, I get online, and alittle after I start a movie and eating dinner she gets online and IMs me. The only reason why I got out of bed, is because I saw the little picture icon she has, Buzz Lightyear, the Erika trademark. It surprised the crap out of me. It was really good getting to talk to her, I've really missed her. Its seems a little weird now, talking to her occasionally, we used to talk every night on the net, and then we'd either stay on the net till 3 or 4 in the morning. Or we'd talk on the phone till 3 or 4 in the morning. It was greatness, miss those days. I'm pleased to just have gotten to talk to her. Shes still dating Liz, in 2 weeks it will be a year. I still think our moments of thinking about each other relationship wise, was all in all we ended up helping each other move on from the people in our past. Which is actually true, we both did that for each other. Cause I remember when we stopped thinking about each other relationship wise, and shortly after (like a week or so), she hooked up with Liz, and they've been going strong since. They truely love each other. You know I was thinking. Erika and I have never actually met in person, yet we're such good friends. Funny how things work out sometimes.
~!~Sara~!~
This girl boggles my mind. I wish I lived by her. Cause I would sweep her off her feet, and make her DREAMS come true. I really, honestly would. I hate it when shes sad, and when she says shes unattractive and all that. I wish she knew how much shes wrong. I think shes this amazing, beautiful girl who is extremely talented. I'm totally in love with her voice, shes an amazing singer. Shes also a really good drawer (artist/sketcher, whatever you call it). She can play the guitar and several other instruments. Seriously I know no one else who is as talented as her. And she really is beautiful, I just wish she could realize it. Shes upset at the moment cause shes in the middle of moving right now, to Washington. I plan on going to visit her on one of our holiday breaks.
And I'm very sincere about that, I'm really going to try to go. I haven't gotten to talk to her all weekend, I miss her. I wonder if shes sent that demo yet. Shes supposed to send me one of her demos. I'm really pysched about it, I'm going to jam to her in my car. And then I'm going to get all of my friends hooked on her too (which is possible). I really can't wait to get it. I really want to talk to Sara, I really do miss her. Yeah distance sucks sometimes. You should go here and listend to her music:
~~Miranda~~
Shes about to drive me crazy. But it seems like its always like that. She made me pretty mad before I left on friday. Everything ends up pissing me off. Ok its like with Amanda, Amanda always asks if Miranda has mentioned her. And Miranda always asked if Amanda has talked shit about her. Well the other day one of the first things Miranda asks me when she calls me, she was wanting to know what Amanda's blogger address was. And I was like why, she was like because. I was like no, you only want it so you can see if shes talking shit about you. And I was like a just so you know, she hasn't talked shit about you, and matter of fact shes hardly even talked about you on it. I was like I'm sick of this, if you're so interested in what she saying why don't you just ask her, she was like I can't, cause anything I do has its complications. I asked what that meant. She said that if she did try to be friends with her, it would all happen again. Amanda would want to be more than friends, she would end up hurting her, then everyone would hate her. I told her that Amanda didn't like her like that anymore, but she didn't believe me. I'm just sick of it all. Amanda really made the effort to be friends with her again, but Miranda just turns her down and treats her like a piece of dirt (doesn't really talk shit, but refuses to have any thing to do with her). It really pisses me off. It seems like her life revolves completely around me. Even her fight with other people, end up having to do something with me. I hate it. I like being her friend and all, but I'm about to go crazy. Ok I feel like I'm a babysitter or something. I have to try and keep her out of trouble, and I still doubt that shes actually being good. I always have to be there for her to gripe to, normally I don't mind, but she always gripes about the same old shit. I mean seriusly if something bothers you that damn much, then do something about it. Don't sit there and dwell about it, that gets you no where.
I wish she could get over me, damn that sounds conceited, but its not a secret that shes not over me. I really feel as if shes holding me back. Or like I've said in another entry, other people have been holding me back. Cause they always seem to make it about her, and I don't want it to be about her. I have more to life than just Miranda. I am not her keeper, I don't know what exactly shes doing or wheres shes at, so please stop asking. Ok well you know how little kids like you copy you. Well Miranda does this, and it drives me crazy. Like all of the things I say or tell her that I think the most. She starts using them as if they were her own thoughts or sayings. I know that seems weird, but I'm just like that. Like saying Laters is my thing. And my thoughts on being gay are mine (she never "thought" that until she heard it from me). I know I sound ridiculous, but it really drives me crazy when she does that. I feel like shes always trying to impress me, I hate that. You're never yourself when you try to impress someone. Besides theres no use in her trying to impress me, I'm not going to take her back, I've told her that a million times, but I think she still thinks its a phase, I suppose I haven't helped that much. Cause I've let a few things happen that I shouldn't have, and I now wish I wouldn't have let them happen. Ok and another thing that drives me crazy is that she can never remember anything. She can never remember anything I tell her, anything I've written, anything anyone else has written or said, anything about a movie we just watched, she can't even remember what she just said. I really do hate it. I also really hate it when she doesn't shut up in a movie, thats why I watch movies by myself. Ok and just so you know there a huge difference in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and copying the Hulk, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a classic novel, the Hulk is from a comic book strip.
I'm not quite sure what to do. Sometimes I just wish I could tell her to leave me alone for awhile, but I know that will never happen, its just not possible, plus that would hurt her feelings. Its just I need air. I'm tired of everything ending up being about her, cause I'm not head over heels for her. I'm tired of being the reason she fights with her other friends. I'm sick of it all really. And I can only wait until she reads this, because she is going to blow it way out of proportion like she always does. Oh Joy.
**Amanda**
She really is quite a good writer, shes been posting some new poems. I really like them, she has rhythm but it also has a deeper meaning in them. We talk alot on the net. We're actaully pretty close, we talk about everything. Earlier she kept telling me that I was different than everyone, that I was mature, and she felt small around me like I was above her but it was in a good way. She said that I was always the advice giver, she also said that I was really smart. That I knew how to have fun, and not doing anything illeagal, lol. Shes said alot of other stuff, but I don't remember them all. But they were all positive. Today we've mainly been talking about Gina and all of the weird/wonderings of her. Like Amanda, everytime she thinks of Gina she can't picture her with a guy, which I found funny, but I also agree. But then again I go back onto my trip of the unattainable. But yeah Amanda is a cool girl, she deserves to be happy, I really hope things between her and Bailey work out (them getting together).
!!Unattainable!!
Seriously whats with this. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm so lonely, and I keep longing for the unttainable, which the list now only consists of Gina, if you haven't noticed. I just wish she could give me some sort of chance, besides just friends, I could fall hopelessly/endlessly/head over heels in love with her. And I'd be completely happy and content with just holding her hand or even less than that, simply looking in her eyes is good enough, or even just being in her prescence. If she wanted to take it slow, then I would. I'd do anything for her. Hello Erin's on a major crush trip here, wonder when she'll be back. I'm only making myself lonlier. Longing for something I'll probably never be able to have, is just not healthly. And then I stop and think, why do I even need a relationship. I shouldn't need one. I guess I just long for that love and affection I've always wanted and needed. I feel that I should take the risk and tell Gina how I feel, but then theres the fear of rejection, and the fear of ruining our friendship. I'm not quite sure what to do.
Well I think I'm done for the night, I'm ready to go to bed. I'm exhausted. So Laters.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
*~*WOW*~*
Thats all I seem to want to say today. I just read some poems that Amanda wrote, and seriously and honestly they are terrific. At Ann's birthday party I read alot of them, but it was so late then I don't remember them, plus since they were handwritten they were a bit hard to read (especially reading with a flashlight). But I remember them being good, she kept saying she was going to burn them, I hope she didn't. So to you Amanda I say keep it up, your an excellent writer, and oh it would be really cool to type your poems, its alot easier to keep up with. Yeah I tried that once but it didn't work for me, I think I put alot of mine on my journal on bolt.com, but I had too damn many I never finished. But with me since I'm so obsessvie compulsive, I kept a spiral, decorated it with a million stickers, and drew on some of the papers (like a entry type thing, as if to say Chapter1), and I wrote each poem on a new page, neatly written, very very slowly too, I could have one messed up letter (if I did mess up I'd start the whole page over again). I also number each new poem at the bottom corner, to keep how many I have. Lets see whose read my poems, Michelle and Miranda Poss, Dana, Megan, Miranda, Amanda, I think thats all. I don't trust a whole lot of people to read them. But I'm more trusting now, simply cause I guess I'm not afraid of what I wrote anymore. Most of my poems are dark and I confess a lot of secrets in them. I have maybe umm... 10 positive poems out of like 60. But yeah I love my poems, I haven't written one in awhile.
So another wow moment today was at work. Now my boss is Scott, dad of Kirk (my age, also my friend), Kyle (my ex-step-brother Jon-paul's age, also his friend), Kelly (my brother Kyle's age, also his friend), and Kevin (my brother Brian's age, also his friend). Ok now Scott's mom Grannie Pete. She can and always has been pretty much a bitch to everyone. I mean she is but techincally not. Now how is that you ask? She is just one of those people who are very opinionated, if she doesn't like something about you shes going to tell you. And one thing you never want to do at Oakdale, is get in trouble. She will make you cry, seriously I've seen it way too many times. But yeah I've never had any conflicts with her, except that shes aggravated me a few times. But well shes getting older, she now has something that causes her to not be able to see very well (she pretty much only has periphreal vision). Well today when she was leaving to go home (50 yeards away, lol), I was standing by the office counter, close to the door, she came over to me and told me that she loved me and then she hugged me, I was like I love you too. And then she told me I was a sweetheart, I told her thanks. This totally surprised me, it was crazy. I told Kirk this, and he was like she probably thought you were Kelly, and I was like yeah thats probably true. But it was crazy.
Another thing that was really cool, was I went to to DVSP (dinosaur state park) after I got off work at Oakdale, cause I forgot my throat medicine the day before. Well I only intended to stay for a second, I ended up staying for like 30 minutes talking to the ladies I work with, all who are in there 50's. I really amaze myself sometimes. Never would I have thought I would be talking to so many people these days. I actually have conversations with people I don't even know at work, its super cool. Its like I've finally let go of the fear of people, I may hesitate a little, but I still manage to do it. Its really cool, and it makes me happy. So to Rebecca, I do talk to people, it just may not seem like it sometimes, lol j/k.
Just in general, I washed the Lexus and my car this afternoon. Both are beautiful. Have you ever been in love with a car? I love the feeling I get when I run my hand down the Lexus when its clean, its just so smooth and nice.
Oh another thing I just remember that was cool, Saturday night I got off work at 4:30. I came home and didn't leave till like 5:45. I went to Granbury and picked Miranda up, and we went to Best Buy and Soccer Etc. (the sticker Jamie gave me as a secret santa gift I messed it up when I was putting it on, so I went and bought a new one). We came back right after that and I took Miranda home, well then I went to my dad's (where I knew I was going). My dad and Jan wanted to go out for their 6 year anniversary, the plans were for them to go out to eat then go stay at my uncle's cabin on the lake (they didn't want to go to Ft. Worth cause dad had to work in the morning). Well dad wanted me to stay the night with Janelle, because Jan has anxiety pretty bad sometimes, and she didn't want to leave Janelle alone (although shes 15). So right away I was like sure thats cool (cause I'd been wanting to hang out with Janelle all summer, but she'd been away). So we ended up going and eating at Chilli's. I couldn't decide between steak fajita nachos or a burger, so I just got both. I ate half the order of nachos, and all of the burger, then I got a piece of cheesecake to go. Well then we went to the store to get pinto beans, we were supposed to get RC's and Dr. Peppers (with the $40 our parents gave us for the whole night, dinner/movies/store), but we used it all for dinner. So we used are own money at the store. Then we went and watched Bad Boys II at the theatre. She loved it, I liked it but not so much the fact that Will Smith says fuck alot (in all of his other movies, I don't think he ever said it). But anyways, when we left we were at the stoplight, I noticed Ann and Jules were behind us, so I rolled down the window and waved frantically, they noticed me but didn't know who I was (they hadn't seen my new car yet, and still haven't). Well I was hoping I would be able to pull up next to them, but Jules was driving like an old granny. So I slowed down enough (I was going the speed limit ok), so that they could see where I was going (which I knew we were going the same direction anyways). Then I pulled over in the EZ Mart parking lot, and I rolled down the window again, and as I saw them getting closer, I waved frantically again, I think they may have figured out who I was, but I'm not for sure. I hoped they'd turn around and come back, but they didn't. But it was funny. Then we went back to my dad's and I got on the net and wrote my last entry. Then I went to be and crashed. I slept pretty dang good. I dont know what it is about my dad's house but I always seem to go to sleep pretty fast. I dreamed again, guess what about? I DREAMED ABOUT GINA AGAIN!!! It was a good dream too, I just can't remember exactly what happened though, but I know it was something to the effect, that we were together. It was cool.
~~Laters~~
I always seem to get my days mixed up. I thought the 23rd was a tuesday (I thought this until last thursday). Which the 23rd (actually this wednesday), I have an appointment with the oral surgeon to see about getting my wisdom teeth pulled, all 4 (thank god, it hurts so bad right now). All of them are growing in sideways. But my bottom 2 have grown the most so far. So right now it makes me jaw hurt really bad. Which where my wisdom teeth are at the back of my jaw and right above my glands. Which my glands are swollen because it produces chemicals that prevent invection, and I think also pain but I'm not for sure. But yeah and since the glands are swollen, it effects my throat, cause everything to be scratchy, and it hurts like so other. Its hard to swallow. Alot like have strep. But I know its not because I've had strep before, and this definately isn't it. But yeah last october, we thought I had strep so the doctor gave me medicine for it, which would have made it go away in a week, well that didn't happen. So then they thought I had mono, so they gave me meds for it and they tested me for it. Well the meds worked, thank god. I wasn't able to practice for awhile, when it first started when they thought I had strep, I had a soccer game. I told my mom I wouldn't play, but I ended up playing (I knew I was lying, how could I resist playing, my mom didn't go cause she though I wouldn't be playing), but for a few days and especially that one, I couldn't swallow any of my spit, so I had brought cup with me for the car ride, etc. to spit in, it was gross, but funny, alot of people remember that. I played a really good game that day, although I felt like shit. But anyways they tested me, but I didn't test positive, but my mom (the lab director here) told me that some people don't have the genes that test positive for it. So basically it looks like they don't know what I had. But we're pretty sure I'm one of those special people that it doesn't show postive for. But yeah I still have my throat medicine from that time, not the pills (I used all of those), but its basically cough syrup, tastes like shit, but it has codene in it. So its cool, its starting to have an effect on me right now, its kicking in. Cause if I'm not moving around alot, it makes me drowsy and kind of dizzy.
But anyways, I asked off work the 23rd for my appointment, and I also have to go to chruch wednesday (normally I'm working so I'm not able to go, which aggravates me, cause I really enjoy this church, and plus Gina is there, lol). But I really have to go because I need to know when we are leaving friday and when we'll be back saturday. We are going to Schilitterbhan in New Braunsfels (by San Antonio). Its a big water park thing, I haven't been there since I was a baby. So I don't remember it. I never really was planning on going, because I figured I would be working. But Gina has been really asking me to go, so I gave in to her, and decided to go. Well I didn't really decided for sure, until Gina added me on the list to go, she told me on the phone a few days later that she did that. So because of Gina I am going. Yeah so basically I thought the 25th was a thursday so I wasn't thinking I would be missing any work at DVSP, so I wasn't worried. But when I realized the 25th was on friday. I had to figure out if someone could work for me, Tara and Laura couldn't because they both asked off. So I had to call Johnnie (a woman who works there, that I used to go to church with, who my mom doesn't really care for much, cause shes a little off, not like mentally challenged or anything). But yeah I've been cool with her since I stopped going to church with her, but yeah she said she could work for me, so I'm super happy about that. So no worries now, techincally. Any day now is supposed to be that time of the month, I'm usually early a few days, last time it was a week early. But not this time, I keep hoping it will happen any time now. If it doesn't happen within now and tomorrow (tuesday), I'm going to be mad, cause if I start wednesday at the least, that means I'll have to worry about it while I'm gone. So I keep hoping. Lol I'm sure ya'll really wanted to know that.
But well I'm getting to the point where I keep screwing up when I'm typing so I think its time to go to bed, so I'll talk to ya'll Laters.
Thats all I seem to want to say today. I just read some poems that Amanda wrote, and seriously and honestly they are terrific. At Ann's birthday party I read alot of them, but it was so late then I don't remember them, plus since they were handwritten they were a bit hard to read (especially reading with a flashlight). But I remember them being good, she kept saying she was going to burn them, I hope she didn't. So to you Amanda I say keep it up, your an excellent writer, and oh it would be really cool to type your poems, its alot easier to keep up with. Yeah I tried that once but it didn't work for me, I think I put alot of mine on my journal on bolt.com, but I had too damn many I never finished. But with me since I'm so obsessvie compulsive, I kept a spiral, decorated it with a million stickers, and drew on some of the papers (like a entry type thing, as if to say Chapter1), and I wrote each poem on a new page, neatly written, very very slowly too, I could have one messed up letter (if I did mess up I'd start the whole page over again). I also number each new poem at the bottom corner, to keep how many I have. Lets see whose read my poems, Michelle and Miranda Poss, Dana, Megan, Miranda, Amanda, I think thats all. I don't trust a whole lot of people to read them. But I'm more trusting now, simply cause I guess I'm not afraid of what I wrote anymore. Most of my poems are dark and I confess a lot of secrets in them. I have maybe umm... 10 positive poems out of like 60. But yeah I love my poems, I haven't written one in awhile.
So another wow moment today was at work. Now my boss is Scott, dad of Kirk (my age, also my friend), Kyle (my ex-step-brother Jon-paul's age, also his friend), Kelly (my brother Kyle's age, also his friend), and Kevin (my brother Brian's age, also his friend). Ok now Scott's mom Grannie Pete. She can and always has been pretty much a bitch to everyone. I mean she is but techincally not. Now how is that you ask? She is just one of those people who are very opinionated, if she doesn't like something about you shes going to tell you. And one thing you never want to do at Oakdale, is get in trouble. She will make you cry, seriously I've seen it way too many times. But yeah I've never had any conflicts with her, except that shes aggravated me a few times. But well shes getting older, she now has something that causes her to not be able to see very well (she pretty much only has periphreal vision). Well today when she was leaving to go home (50 yeards away, lol), I was standing by the office counter, close to the door, she came over to me and told me that she loved me and then she hugged me, I was like I love you too. And then she told me I was a sweetheart, I told her thanks. This totally surprised me, it was crazy. I told Kirk this, and he was like she probably thought you were Kelly, and I was like yeah thats probably true. But it was crazy.
Another thing that was really cool, was I went to to DVSP (dinosaur state park) after I got off work at Oakdale, cause I forgot my throat medicine the day before. Well I only intended to stay for a second, I ended up staying for like 30 minutes talking to the ladies I work with, all who are in there 50's. I really amaze myself sometimes. Never would I have thought I would be talking to so many people these days. I actually have conversations with people I don't even know at work, its super cool. Its like I've finally let go of the fear of people, I may hesitate a little, but I still manage to do it. Its really cool, and it makes me happy. So to Rebecca, I do talk to people, it just may not seem like it sometimes, lol j/k.
Just in general, I washed the Lexus and my car this afternoon. Both are beautiful. Have you ever been in love with a car? I love the feeling I get when I run my hand down the Lexus when its clean, its just so smooth and nice.
Oh another thing I just remember that was cool, Saturday night I got off work at 4:30. I came home and didn't leave till like 5:45. I went to Granbury and picked Miranda up, and we went to Best Buy and Soccer Etc. (the sticker Jamie gave me as a secret santa gift I messed it up when I was putting it on, so I went and bought a new one). We came back right after that and I took Miranda home, well then I went to my dad's (where I knew I was going). My dad and Jan wanted to go out for their 6 year anniversary, the plans were for them to go out to eat then go stay at my uncle's cabin on the lake (they didn't want to go to Ft. Worth cause dad had to work in the morning). Well dad wanted me to stay the night with Janelle, because Jan has anxiety pretty bad sometimes, and she didn't want to leave Janelle alone (although shes 15). So right away I was like sure thats cool (cause I'd been wanting to hang out with Janelle all summer, but she'd been away). So we ended up going and eating at Chilli's. I couldn't decide between steak fajita nachos or a burger, so I just got both. I ate half the order of nachos, and all of the burger, then I got a piece of cheesecake to go. Well then we went to the store to get pinto beans, we were supposed to get RC's and Dr. Peppers (with the $40 our parents gave us for the whole night, dinner/movies/store), but we used it all for dinner. So we used are own money at the store. Then we went and watched Bad Boys II at the theatre. She loved it, I liked it but not so much the fact that Will Smith says fuck alot (in all of his other movies, I don't think he ever said it). But anyways, when we left we were at the stoplight, I noticed Ann and Jules were behind us, so I rolled down the window and waved frantically, they noticed me but didn't know who I was (they hadn't seen my new car yet, and still haven't). Well I was hoping I would be able to pull up next to them, but Jules was driving like an old granny. So I slowed down enough (I was going the speed limit ok), so that they could see where I was going (which I knew we were going the same direction anyways). Then I pulled over in the EZ Mart parking lot, and I rolled down the window again, and as I saw them getting closer, I waved frantically again, I think they may have figured out who I was, but I'm not for sure. I hoped they'd turn around and come back, but they didn't. But it was funny. Then we went back to my dad's and I got on the net and wrote my last entry. Then I went to be and crashed. I slept pretty dang good. I dont know what it is about my dad's house but I always seem to go to sleep pretty fast. I dreamed again, guess what about? I DREAMED ABOUT GINA AGAIN!!! It was a good dream too, I just can't remember exactly what happened though, but I know it was something to the effect, that we were together. It was cool.
~~Laters~~
I always seem to get my days mixed up. I thought the 23rd was a tuesday (I thought this until last thursday). Which the 23rd (actually this wednesday), I have an appointment with the oral surgeon to see about getting my wisdom teeth pulled, all 4 (thank god, it hurts so bad right now). All of them are growing in sideways. But my bottom 2 have grown the most so far. So right now it makes me jaw hurt really bad. Which where my wisdom teeth are at the back of my jaw and right above my glands. Which my glands are swollen because it produces chemicals that prevent invection, and I think also pain but I'm not for sure. But yeah and since the glands are swollen, it effects my throat, cause everything to be scratchy, and it hurts like so other. Its hard to swallow. Alot like have strep. But I know its not because I've had strep before, and this definately isn't it. But yeah last october, we thought I had strep so the doctor gave me medicine for it, which would have made it go away in a week, well that didn't happen. So then they thought I had mono, so they gave me meds for it and they tested me for it. Well the meds worked, thank god. I wasn't able to practice for awhile, when it first started when they thought I had strep, I had a soccer game. I told my mom I wouldn't play, but I ended up playing (I knew I was lying, how could I resist playing, my mom didn't go cause she though I wouldn't be playing), but for a few days and especially that one, I couldn't swallow any of my spit, so I had brought cup with me for the car ride, etc. to spit in, it was gross, but funny, alot of people remember that. I played a really good game that day, although I felt like shit. But anyways they tested me, but I didn't test positive, but my mom (the lab director here) told me that some people don't have the genes that test positive for it. So basically it looks like they don't know what I had. But we're pretty sure I'm one of those special people that it doesn't show postive for. But yeah I still have my throat medicine from that time, not the pills (I used all of those), but its basically cough syrup, tastes like shit, but it has codene in it. So its cool, its starting to have an effect on me right now, its kicking in. Cause if I'm not moving around alot, it makes me drowsy and kind of dizzy.
But anyways, I asked off work the 23rd for my appointment, and I also have to go to chruch wednesday (normally I'm working so I'm not able to go, which aggravates me, cause I really enjoy this church, and plus Gina is there, lol). But I really have to go because I need to know when we are leaving friday and when we'll be back saturday. We are going to Schilitterbhan in New Braunsfels (by San Antonio). Its a big water park thing, I haven't been there since I was a baby. So I don't remember it. I never really was planning on going, because I figured I would be working. But Gina has been really asking me to go, so I gave in to her, and decided to go. Well I didn't really decided for sure, until Gina added me on the list to go, she told me on the phone a few days later that she did that. So because of Gina I am going. Yeah so basically I thought the 25th was a thursday so I wasn't thinking I would be missing any work at DVSP, so I wasn't worried. But when I realized the 25th was on friday. I had to figure out if someone could work for me, Tara and Laura couldn't because they both asked off. So I had to call Johnnie (a woman who works there, that I used to go to church with, who my mom doesn't really care for much, cause shes a little off, not like mentally challenged or anything). But yeah I've been cool with her since I stopped going to church with her, but yeah she said she could work for me, so I'm super happy about that. So no worries now, techincally. Any day now is supposed to be that time of the month, I'm usually early a few days, last time it was a week early. But not this time, I keep hoping it will happen any time now. If it doesn't happen within now and tomorrow (tuesday), I'm going to be mad, cause if I start wednesday at the least, that means I'll have to worry about it while I'm gone. So I keep hoping. Lol I'm sure ya'll really wanted to know that.
But well I'm getting to the point where I keep screwing up when I'm typing so I think its time to go to bed, so I'll talk to ya'll Laters.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
~~Ok seriously I love people to death, but this is my journal, my thoughts, I'm not asking for other people's opinions, no offense~~
Ok now you may be wondering what this is all about. As most of you know this is my journal, my thoughts, MY LIFE. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me what to do, one cause most of the time they don't know the whole story, and two I'm not asking for opinions. But yeah no offense to any of you, I honestly don't mind opinions but I do not like being told what I should do.
Ok and another one of my big pet peeves is being misunderstood. I have never said that I was thinking about getting back with someone. I did say however, that I have 2 possibilities of being with someone, but I don't want them. Please understand that. I do realize how much Miranda loves me, but I do not want to get back with her. Our personalities don't click in a relationship, at all. One of things I look for most in a person, is to be on the same mind set (level), meaning having the same amount of intelligence, thoughts, opinions, ideas, hobbies, etc. Miranda and I hardly share any of those. Being friends with her is great, thats a whole different story.
"DO IT GET BACK WITH HER ERIN! SHE LOVES YOU! ACCEPT AND LOVE HER!" Honestly, what is this about, where did this coment from??? I never said I was getting back with her, I know she loves me, and I do accept her, but I can only love her as a friend. Trust me what ya'll read is only part of what is really there, none of you can fully comprehend what goes on in my mind. I do respect ya'lls opinions and all, but this is my situation, only I understand fully of how I feel about things. So please respect my feelings, my life, and not make comments like that again. I'm not mad or anything, it just aggravates me. Its just that all this time we've been broken up, everyone keeps telling me that we should get back together, we were a good couple, etc. Everyone keeps telling me she loves me, well no shit. How can I move on with my life when everyone keeps pressuring me with this. I want to very much move on, I am not stuck on her like shes stuck on me (but then again people are probably pressuring her too, which makes it difficult, but then again people tend to act like they hate me and try to turn her against), I can move on dammit. But I feel like theres this forcefield of people that keep holding me in, almost like a jail cell. Like theres a hand tightly grasped around my neck, to where I feel like I'm suffocating. Please people, quit pressuring me, leave me along on the Miranda thing. I am the one who makes my decisions, I am the one who is trying to move on. So please, let me go. Please respect this.
??Love and Lust, whats the difference sometimes??
Seriously think about it. Have you ever just been checking out someone, or had a crush on them, and you say in your head "man I really love them." And then perhaps a few days later you completely forget about them. Perhaps in a relationship you can't get enough of each others body, and it seems like every time you're together you're fooling around or making out (does this make up the relationship?). Now tell me is that lust or love?? What is love?? Ok now have to ever not been able to stop thinking about the person your with (in a non-sexual way), did you ever miss them every moment they left the room, when ever they entered the room did your heart skip a beat? Have you ever just been sitting next to that special someone and felt completely content? Now tell me is that lust or love?? What is love?? My friend Rebecca says that you can't define love, don't define love or feelings, just go with it, flow with it. Just be, no expectations. Me on the other hand I don't try to define it, I'm just trying to understand it. My theory of love, is that it is both equal in love an lust, the relationship should both be emotional and physcial at the same time. But if there is a lack of lust that doesn't mean the relationship is over, you shouldn't give up. I also believe that love is built on trust and confidence in the other. Be able to trust the other that if something goes wrong, they just won't give up, no matter the cost. Love knows no boundaries, love is endless, love is everlasting, love conquers all. I believe a relationship can solely be based on love, there are many circumstances where this is true, it should always be true. I don't believe that a relationship can solely be based on lust, lust is a physicality, a relationship can't last only on lust, I believe its just not possible.
What point am I making, when the emotions aren't really there, its not going to work out in the end (atleast thats how it is with me). I can not base a relationship on physicality, I have to have all of the emotions there. My point again to all of you, this is why things didn't work out between me and Miranda. Now let me finish my saying this, if any of you try to take any of what I said and try to apply it to your life, a.k.a your relationship hopes, I suggest you not (hint hint, this means you Miranda). I'm sick of everyone trying to help her win me back, FYI its not going to happen, so please spare her, let her move on, by trying to help you're only making it worse.
Well this is all for now I have to work in the morning, so I'll write tonight when I get home from work, maybe. Laters
Ok now you may be wondering what this is all about. As most of you know this is my journal, my thoughts, MY LIFE. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me what to do, one cause most of the time they don't know the whole story, and two I'm not asking for opinions. But yeah no offense to any of you, I honestly don't mind opinions but I do not like being told what I should do.
Ok and another one of my big pet peeves is being misunderstood. I have never said that I was thinking about getting back with someone. I did say however, that I have 2 possibilities of being with someone, but I don't want them. Please understand that. I do realize how much Miranda loves me, but I do not want to get back with her. Our personalities don't click in a relationship, at all. One of things I look for most in a person, is to be on the same mind set (level), meaning having the same amount of intelligence, thoughts, opinions, ideas, hobbies, etc. Miranda and I hardly share any of those. Being friends with her is great, thats a whole different story.
"DO IT GET BACK WITH HER ERIN! SHE LOVES YOU! ACCEPT AND LOVE HER!" Honestly, what is this about, where did this coment from??? I never said I was getting back with her, I know she loves me, and I do accept her, but I can only love her as a friend. Trust me what ya'll read is only part of what is really there, none of you can fully comprehend what goes on in my mind. I do respect ya'lls opinions and all, but this is my situation, only I understand fully of how I feel about things. So please respect my feelings, my life, and not make comments like that again. I'm not mad or anything, it just aggravates me. Its just that all this time we've been broken up, everyone keeps telling me that we should get back together, we were a good couple, etc. Everyone keeps telling me she loves me, well no shit. How can I move on with my life when everyone keeps pressuring me with this. I want to very much move on, I am not stuck on her like shes stuck on me (but then again people are probably pressuring her too, which makes it difficult, but then again people tend to act like they hate me and try to turn her against), I can move on dammit. But I feel like theres this forcefield of people that keep holding me in, almost like a jail cell. Like theres a hand tightly grasped around my neck, to where I feel like I'm suffocating. Please people, quit pressuring me, leave me along on the Miranda thing. I am the one who makes my decisions, I am the one who is trying to move on. So please, let me go. Please respect this.
??Love and Lust, whats the difference sometimes??
Seriously think about it. Have you ever just been checking out someone, or had a crush on them, and you say in your head "man I really love them." And then perhaps a few days later you completely forget about them. Perhaps in a relationship you can't get enough of each others body, and it seems like every time you're together you're fooling around or making out (does this make up the relationship?). Now tell me is that lust or love?? What is love?? Ok now have to ever not been able to stop thinking about the person your with (in a non-sexual way), did you ever miss them every moment they left the room, when ever they entered the room did your heart skip a beat? Have you ever just been sitting next to that special someone and felt completely content? Now tell me is that lust or love?? What is love?? My friend Rebecca says that you can't define love, don't define love or feelings, just go with it, flow with it. Just be, no expectations. Me on the other hand I don't try to define it, I'm just trying to understand it. My theory of love, is that it is both equal in love an lust, the relationship should both be emotional and physcial at the same time. But if there is a lack of lust that doesn't mean the relationship is over, you shouldn't give up. I also believe that love is built on trust and confidence in the other. Be able to trust the other that if something goes wrong, they just won't give up, no matter the cost. Love knows no boundaries, love is endless, love is everlasting, love conquers all. I believe a relationship can solely be based on love, there are many circumstances where this is true, it should always be true. I don't believe that a relationship can solely be based on lust, lust is a physicality, a relationship can't last only on lust, I believe its just not possible.
What point am I making, when the emotions aren't really there, its not going to work out in the end (atleast thats how it is with me). I can not base a relationship on physicality, I have to have all of the emotions there. My point again to all of you, this is why things didn't work out between me and Miranda. Now let me finish my saying this, if any of you try to take any of what I said and try to apply it to your life, a.k.a your relationship hopes, I suggest you not (hint hint, this means you Miranda). I'm sick of everyone trying to help her win me back, FYI its not going to happen, so please spare her, let her move on, by trying to help you're only making it worse.
Well this is all for now I have to work in the morning, so I'll write tonight when I get home from work, maybe. Laters
Thursday, July 17, 2003
!!Getting aggravated cause I really want to write, but I don't know what to write about!!
Do you ever do that? I do it all the time, and its not just with writing. I do this with people. This has to do alot with my will power motto. There have been so many times I wanted to do something, but either in fear or in intelligence I didn't do it. Not doing something in fear, is simply fear of negative consequences. Like wanting to tell someone so badly, that you like them alot, but fearing the friendship being ruined, I'd end up not telling them. Thats just how I am I suppose, always wanting things, and most of the time I'm too afraid to let go and just take the risk. I tell myself that I take alot of risks, but do I really? I mean do I really take the risks that will matter the most, or is it just that I haven't taken enough risks yet. I suppose you can never run out of risks though. I believe I can never stop wondering what could be, or what could happen, I'm just too curious. But you see I'm not the person that wants to wonder what could have happened. I don't want to pass up any opportunity Carpe Diem (sp?) Sieze the day, I guess I have to start following that motto alot more. Don't be afraid to take the risk, cause you never know would could happen. And as I always say, anything is possible.
~~I'm Lonely~~
Yeah isn't that the sad truth. How can I be lonely when I could have two perfectly good people. But I don't really want them. I say I don't want to be tied down, what kind of lame excuse is that. I guess I'm just too damn scared to say "Hey look the reason I don't want to date you is because I'm too fucked up, and I honestly don't think this relationship will last forever. And I mean come on do you really want to date someone who is emotionally unstable, and who has grown up looking for love anywhere where she can get it. I don't really think I could ever possibly return the love you could give me, the relationship would just not be fair for you. So please don't waste your time." But you see that makes me sound really depressive, angry and hopeless. But really I'm not all like that. I just don't waste my time on something thats not going to work out in the end, and I don't want to end up hurting someone else by leading them on. I mean to be completely honest, I know of like 3 different girls that I could fall head over heels in love with them, but they're all pretty much unattainable right now (one lives in Hawaii, the other 2 are most likely straight). As far as guys go, yeah theres like 3 also, and also all unattainable (one I've liked since 7th grade and he'll never like me, I'm just not his type, the other 2 both my girlfriends and are both guys I've grown up with, so I'm still the guys best friend). So yeah here lately I don't know whats up with me wanting the unattainable. I really am quite lonely right now, I just can't seem so feel whole, I feel this void-this emptiness, like theres something missing. I know I shouldn't feel that way, I guess thas just how I grew up, I've never really felt completely loved (although I really knew I was, just no one ever really said it)(I like to say its one of the effects of divorce, but hey what do I know). I feel content though, like I'm happy with how everything is going in my life, I'm just lonely.
**Flirting**
What is flirting? I always find it funny how I can just be having fun with a friend, and then someone tell me later that I was being a big flirt. I never really seem to notice that I am flirting, but constantly I have people telling me this. Like today at work I was pushing around with Kirk (guy I've been really good friends with since before 1st grade), and his little cousin was standing there, and he goes "you know he has a girlfriend, right? Her name is Sarah." I was like "yeah I know that, why do you think I was flirting?" He said yeah. I was like "hey Kirk and how long have we known each other, since before 1st grade." Kirk was like "sooo" Yeah I found it pretty funny, never in a million years would I think someone would say that about me and Kirk. I'm the guys best friend remember. I really do always find it interesting that people tell me I'm flirting, how can I be so oblivious to it, I mean I'm the one whose doing it. Or maybe its just that I'd like to choose to believe that I'm not flirting, just having fun. If it is so obvious to people that I'm flirting, which I think is playing around, does that mean the other person who I thought was just having fun, does that mean they were flirting back????? In that case, that would be pretty weird/cool/interesting. Just according to who this circumstance applies to.
Well I guess I did find some stuff to write about, I had to dig a little bit, but I still found it. Well I have to work in the morning, and I need some sleep. Laters.
Do you ever do that? I do it all the time, and its not just with writing. I do this with people. This has to do alot with my will power motto. There have been so many times I wanted to do something, but either in fear or in intelligence I didn't do it. Not doing something in fear, is simply fear of negative consequences. Like wanting to tell someone so badly, that you like them alot, but fearing the friendship being ruined, I'd end up not telling them. Thats just how I am I suppose, always wanting things, and most of the time I'm too afraid to let go and just take the risk. I tell myself that I take alot of risks, but do I really? I mean do I really take the risks that will matter the most, or is it just that I haven't taken enough risks yet. I suppose you can never run out of risks though. I believe I can never stop wondering what could be, or what could happen, I'm just too curious. But you see I'm not the person that wants to wonder what could have happened. I don't want to pass up any opportunity Carpe Diem (sp?) Sieze the day, I guess I have to start following that motto alot more. Don't be afraid to take the risk, cause you never know would could happen. And as I always say, anything is possible.
~~I'm Lonely~~
Yeah isn't that the sad truth. How can I be lonely when I could have two perfectly good people. But I don't really want them. I say I don't want to be tied down, what kind of lame excuse is that. I guess I'm just too damn scared to say "Hey look the reason I don't want to date you is because I'm too fucked up, and I honestly don't think this relationship will last forever. And I mean come on do you really want to date someone who is emotionally unstable, and who has grown up looking for love anywhere where she can get it. I don't really think I could ever possibly return the love you could give me, the relationship would just not be fair for you. So please don't waste your time." But you see that makes me sound really depressive, angry and hopeless. But really I'm not all like that. I just don't waste my time on something thats not going to work out in the end, and I don't want to end up hurting someone else by leading them on. I mean to be completely honest, I know of like 3 different girls that I could fall head over heels in love with them, but they're all pretty much unattainable right now (one lives in Hawaii, the other 2 are most likely straight). As far as guys go, yeah theres like 3 also, and also all unattainable (one I've liked since 7th grade and he'll never like me, I'm just not his type, the other 2 both my girlfriends and are both guys I've grown up with, so I'm still the guys best friend). So yeah here lately I don't know whats up with me wanting the unattainable. I really am quite lonely right now, I just can't seem so feel whole, I feel this void-this emptiness, like theres something missing. I know I shouldn't feel that way, I guess thas just how I grew up, I've never really felt completely loved (although I really knew I was, just no one ever really said it)(I like to say its one of the effects of divorce, but hey what do I know). I feel content though, like I'm happy with how everything is going in my life, I'm just lonely.
**Flirting**
What is flirting? I always find it funny how I can just be having fun with a friend, and then someone tell me later that I was being a big flirt. I never really seem to notice that I am flirting, but constantly I have people telling me this. Like today at work I was pushing around with Kirk (guy I've been really good friends with since before 1st grade), and his little cousin was standing there, and he goes "you know he has a girlfriend, right? Her name is Sarah." I was like "yeah I know that, why do you think I was flirting?" He said yeah. I was like "hey Kirk and how long have we known each other, since before 1st grade." Kirk was like "sooo" Yeah I found it pretty funny, never in a million years would I think someone would say that about me and Kirk. I'm the guys best friend remember. I really do always find it interesting that people tell me I'm flirting, how can I be so oblivious to it, I mean I'm the one whose doing it. Or maybe its just that I'd like to choose to believe that I'm not flirting, just having fun. If it is so obvious to people that I'm flirting, which I think is playing around, does that mean the other person who I thought was just having fun, does that mean they were flirting back????? In that case, that would be pretty weird/cool/interesting. Just according to who this circumstance applies to.
Well I guess I did find some stuff to write about, I had to dig a little bit, but I still found it. Well I have to work in the morning, and I need some sleep. Laters.
Monday, July 14, 2003
??Wow where to begin??
~~Ok how about me~~
Well things have been getting progressively better. Well in the sense that I haven't felt like cutting myself as much. I'm not as stressed I suppose. Oh wow, damn I still haven't written about the most important stuff. I finally broke up with Nina, umm... on the 2nd. I still can't believe I did it. So yeah I love my new job at the park store. I feel complete when I leave there each day, I know I did a damn good job on what I could. Plus its been even better this weekend cause I finally got to learn how to do the register and all that good stuff. I love having a task put in front of me, and being able to accomplish what I needed to. Well I'm very happy with my car and my stereo, it makes me happy, and me having a car makes things so less complicated, no one has to share a damn car and no one has to be a chauffer (sp?). Thats another reason why I love my mom, shes willing to make so many sacrifices to make me happy. I swear I'm getting really aggravated right now, cause I know I have ALOT to say, but when I finally have time to write I can't think of what I want to write. Make sense?
I'm really quite lonely at the moment. I'm still really confused. I had another dream about Gina, I can't remember what happened, I just remember it was something to the effect that we were together. If I was ever given the chance I could totally fall in love with her. As far as Bree goes, we've hung out a few times, (she came over and we went hiking then we went and ate at subway, and we went and watched a movie, and tomorrow we're going to Ft. Worth). I don't really quetion Bree anymore, I mean I just don't. Shes an awesome person, so I don't want to jepordize that by having feelings for her. I don't know, I really am lonely right now. I know one person who wants me, but that situation is just a big no right now. I want to simply fall in love with someone, be able to just hold their hand and be completely content with that. I've realized more and more lately, that people freak me out, I mean the thought of being with people freaks me out. Like the thought of me kissing a guy or dating one freaks me out, I'd be so lost, I wouldn't know how to act. But also the thought of being with another girl freaks me out to. Sure I've kissed 3 girls, but none of which I felt would last forever. I'm scared. I don't want to be by myself, I want to just be in love, have no complications, someone who I can trust completely, someone who I can just be with and be happy, I want to be able to give everything I have and at the same time take everything that they have, I want an equal relationship. I want to be able to give my heart to someone and not have to worry about them breaking it. But seriously lets think about this for a moment. Does someone like this exist? I'd like to believe so. I can think of a girl like that, but shes most likely straight, knowing my luck (I'm referring to Gina). When it comes to guys, I never know, the guys I would date are always taken, and even if they weren't they probably wouldn't date me, and I still can't figure out how to make that change.
I don't know what it is about me lately, but I keep seeming to want the unattainable. Its driving me nuts. I'll never be able to have Gina or Bree, or any of the other people.
Oh do you remember me telling you about Sara, the girl from Hawaii. Well yeah I talked to her on the phone about 2 weeks ago, shes awesome. Well she supposed to move to Washington (the state) by the end of the summer. Well she left about a week 1/2 ago, to go to washington for 2 weeks. I have her my phone numbers so she could call me, cause she wouldn't be able to get on the net while she was/is there. Well I hadn't heard from her at all (or so I thought). I sent her an IM the other day, even though I knew she would get it. Well friday I was up here in my room, fixing to watch a movie, and I heard the phone ring, I just assumed it was for mom or one of Kyle's friends like always. Well then I heard the phone ring again a little later, and assumed the same. Well I knew no one else was home, but I didn't really feel like running downstairs to answer either time. Well a little later I went down stairs to check the caller ID, one was a familiar number, the other I had no clue who it was. So I went and got the cell phone, and called the number. It was for a calling card company. So I looked back a few days, there was another weird number on the 6th, so I called it, it was another calling card company. So I was like damn, I missed her both times, maybe she'll call back later, she didn't. Well I told my mom about this, she wondered how I met Sara, so I told her the truth, over the internet. Well saturday when I got home from work, mom told me Sara called. And I was thinking Sarah from oakdale, like she was wanting me to work or her or something, and she knew I couldn't work for anyone on weekends, so why would she call. Then mom said Sara thats in washington. I was like say what??? I asked her if she said she'd call back. Mom said that she told her she expected me any minute. And that Sara said that she was on someone elses phone, so she couldn't call back. So well I found that interesting. So well I get home from work today. And I was just doing my own thing for like 40 minutes, and at the time I was talking to Miranda on the cell, and then my mom came out and was like oh I forgot to tell you. Sara called earlier. I asked when, she said a while ago. So I went and checked the caller ID and sure enough she called again at 3:45. So I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk to her tomorrow or tuesday, cause I don't work either day. But tomorrow I might be going to Ft. Worth with Bree.
Oh while I'm thinking about it, I think my mom suspects more about me being gay now. Well before I went to camp I bought Tomb Raider. And the other day I mentioned it to mom. And she'd been wanting to see it, so I told her she could borrow it. Well I came home today, and I went in her room to talk to her. And I noticed my movie was on her tv, so I was like oh shit. Cause well I got this box from work and duck taped it to make it last longer, well I did this so I could put all of my movies in it. And I thought nothing of it really. Well I put my Better than Chocolate movie in there, great movie for anyone, but it is definately related around gays. Well there was one movie in between it and Tomb Raider. I think this about my mom cause she was kind of acting different towards me, it kind of freaked me out when I first when in there, cause I didn't know she had my movie. But oh well, I'm not worried about it.
!!Miranda!!
I find it amazing how everytime I write, I write about Miranda. I suppose its because she has such a big part in my life. I mean she is my best friend. Granted there is still part of me that wants to be with her, but then I catch myself and I really have to think about that. Because once again I think its because I want the physical stuff. So I don't follow any spontaneous urges. So yeah ever since Miranda and I broke up, we've been working through things. We've gotten to know each other alot better, and we talk alot. Which is awesome. I feel that we're really close. I know she still loves me, which makes being around her a little hard sometimes, cause I know she has those urges. Alot of times it makes me feel like shit, being the one to break up with her. But it had to be done, it just wasn't working. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, of how much she hurts, I don't think she realizes that I can tell. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I feel I have to protect her, I don't know why. I want to protect her from hurting, from making stupid decisions. But I can't protect her, but I can always try right?
~~Nina~~
So ok yeah we broke up on the 2nd. If you've read previous entires, you'll know why. But yeah I'm not avoiding her, we got into a pretty good fight the other day. But we got that all fixed, but we haven't talked since then, not that I really mind though. Rafael came home, I really cant stand him at all. And I hate the thought of them possibly getting back together. If someone cheated on me I would never speak to them again. But anyways, about the fight. Ok I assume it was the day we broke up cause we were text messaging while she was at work. Well I hung out with this guy on the 5th, and he told me he was out back at work and she went and took a drag of his cigarette. Ok let me start out from when I first found this out. Ok I was up at Nina's work, waiting for her to get off so I could take her home (July 4th). Well when we finally got in the car she told me this guy Ryan (he was in a few of my classes at school, so I knew him) liked me. So I found that interesting. He had mentioned he was going to a party that night, and I was kind of interested in going to one, so I gave him my number. He was supposed to call me like an hour later and tell me where to go. I finally got home at like 2:30 (I went and hung out with Miranda). Then he called, and I talk to him for like 40 minutes while he was getting high and drunk. Well the next day I had drove to Granbury with the intentions of going to the movies, but I got left by myself. So I went to Nina's work to get food (lol its McDonald's BTW), and Ryan was working, so he said he was going to another party, and that he'd call me. So I went to dad's and ate. Then I drove around for 2 1/2 hoursm, I drove all the way out to Tin Top. It sucked. Well eventually he calls me. So I finally find where hes at. I drink a smirnoff black. Then we decided we were going to play quarters with this cheap ass wine (cause thats all the alcohol that was left). So well I have to drink out of this flowery tea glass (quite funny I think). And oh my god, that wine was fucking disgusting. So well then Ryan decides that there wasn't much left and that since it tasted bad, he'd add water to it to take down the taste a little. So well then I had to drink two more of those glasses, it still tasted like shit. During all this Ryan was getting high like no other. So let me say this, this night was not worth it, it turned out completely different than I thought it would. Well anyways, Ryan told me what Nina did during this. Well the next day I think it was. Nina and I had a text message fight, retarded and a waste of money. She was upset with me because I drank, yet we had talked about it before and we were actually going to go to a party before, so I didn't think it was a problem. Her smoking on the other hand I felt was a big deal. I knew she used to smoke, but she said she quit. She knew how much I was against Miranda smoking and all that shit, so she knew I was against her doing it too. So well yeah we just had a big fight about it. We didn't talk for 3 days, she text messaged me while I was eating with mom on wednesday after I had gotten my car, and I was a bitch to her. So before I went home I went by her house at like 11:30 (I had to go to wal-mart before that). But yeah I talked to her for like 15 minutes. And we sorted it out.
*~*Rebecca*~*
Ah.. Miss. Rebecca. I still haven't figured out why she captivates me so much. And no I'm not talking in a romantic type of way, just in general. I think its because she leads such a different life than mine, and there is always something new that interests me. I love hearing about what shes gotten to do in Europe. I love hearing about her everyday life. Even though I don't fully know what YOU is, I like to hear about it. Or you know I was thinking maybe it captivates me because shes one of the very few people who are very open and honest with me. Shes just one of those people who stick out. I can only think of how many people have crushes on her, or admire her, or tell her how great she is. I sometimes wonder if that ever gets old or annoying. Kind of like the little puppy dog that keeps nipping at your heel and won't stop. I'm just thinking, don't take this in a negative way. I love Rebecca to death, and now I'm proud to say just as a friend. Actually its been awhile since I figured that out. Like I said if something ever happened between us again it'd be cool. But I can honestly tell you I don't see that happening again, simply cause I know I'm not the type of person she wants to date anymore or again. The way I see it, this should make life a little simpler for her. One less person to try and make happy, or to try and not hurt their feelings. Like I'm always said you can't be everything to everyone. Friends, friends last forever, so yeah I'm completely happy with that. I plan to stick with this, I don't plan on changing my mind either. Friends.
!!*Kyle*!!
Yes, wow I've need to write about my brother for awhile, and now finally I am getting to. Ok as you know I've always strongly disagreed with the lifestyles he leads. I hate him smoking cigarettes and smoking pot. He has so much potential yet all hes been doing is wasting it. Ok before I left for camp (June 18th) Kyle got fired from Kwik Kar for being late too much, I find this amazing, how do you manage to get fired from a job where you only work 20 hours a week. Well when I got home Brian told me Kyle got a job at Loco Coyote (a restaraunt). So I was oh really, thats cool. So well Brian and his girlfriend had reserved and extra ticket to the Rodney Carrington concert for Kyle. So he called Kyle at work and told him. Kyle was supposed to be home at 6, he didn't get home till almost 7. Well I had just called Brian to see if he had heard from Kyle (I wanted the car so I could go to chruch, which started at 6:45), and then Kyle walked in the door. So I gave Kyle the phone, and Briand wanted Kyle to come where he was. And Kyle was like no you have to come get me the car is being weird, the breaks are really bad right now etc. So they hung up. Then Kyle told me not to drive the car cause it was fucked up, etc. So then I sat in my room, waiting for him to leave. Cause yeah I never listen to his BS. Well then I went down to the kitchen to see if he was gone, he wasn't, then I noticed the dogs had no water, so I went outside to fill it up. Bee was out there (and Kyle was sitting on the porch) and he asked me how camp was, I told him it was good (my answer to all of his questions). So I filled up the water bucket, and when I turned around Kyle was walking towards me. He was like so how was camp, I was like it was good. Then I smelt the weed. And as I walked by I saw the joint in his hand. It pissed me off, so I went and called mom and told her and I asked her if Bee said it was ok to drive the car if I could go, she said ok. Well a few minutes later, I'm in my room waiting for Kyle to leave. I hear this really loud crash (not glass though), so I just ignored it for a sec, then I went and opened my door, and I saw Kyle putting something in the trash. So well later I hear him talking to someone, so I came out of my room to see who it was. I ended up figuring out that Bee was back. And Kyle was bitching at him, giving him the whole speech where she smarter than everyone in this damn house, etc. And then I caught onto the fact that Brian said he wasn't going to come get him because they'd only be fighting the whole night (which is probably true).
Well a little later, after alot of silence, I went downstairs cause I thought Kyle had left. Well I got to the refrigerator and heard mom screaming. The only part I remember, is that she said I'm sick of all you doing is smoking dope. Well I went to my room and left the door open. Well mom came in mumbling to herself (loudly). When mom is really pissed off she mumbles what shes thinking. So I went downstairs to see what was up. She then pulled out the phone out of the trash (Kyle got pissed and Brian and broke the phone). Then mom went off. And I just listened to her. Well when she was done I went upstairs and waited a sec. Then I went and asked her if shed eaten, she hadn't, but now didn't have the appetite to eat. Then she told me she actually needed to go back up to work for awhile to finish some work. On the way there she went off again, commenting on how dirty the car was, etc. So yeah all in all mom kicked Kyle out of the house finally. I know I have a big part in this because I'd been pushing my mom (griping about Kyle constantly), I feel kind of bad for it, but it needed to be done. The only good he did around the house was occasionally putting dishes in the dishwasher, and washing his own clothes, and he would change the oil on the lexus. But yeah it needed to be done. I intended to clean the car that night, but I went to go see Nina, and ended up fighting with her (long story I'm choosing not to waste my time on). Well so the next day I spent $21 cleaning the car. I washed it, dried it, vaccumed the carpet and mats, shampooed the carpet and mats, cleaned the windows, and dusted all of the inside with armoral. I did a damn good job. But anyways, back to Kyle. Its been awhile since June 23rd, when this all happened. I talked to Kyle the other day, and hes been spending alot of time at dads on the internet. He been looking at some colleges and has sent in some applications, and is currently trying to figure out something living arrangements (to buy a trailer to live in while at college). So yeah that was a big step or him to even look at going to a college. I'm still not sure where hes staying at, cause I know dad won't let him stay with him either. I think this whole ordeal is for the best, for him. So yeah thats that.
~~Ok how about me~~
Well things have been getting progressively better. Well in the sense that I haven't felt like cutting myself as much. I'm not as stressed I suppose. Oh wow, damn I still haven't written about the most important stuff. I finally broke up with Nina, umm... on the 2nd. I still can't believe I did it. So yeah I love my new job at the park store. I feel complete when I leave there each day, I know I did a damn good job on what I could. Plus its been even better this weekend cause I finally got to learn how to do the register and all that good stuff. I love having a task put in front of me, and being able to accomplish what I needed to. Well I'm very happy with my car and my stereo, it makes me happy, and me having a car makes things so less complicated, no one has to share a damn car and no one has to be a chauffer (sp?). Thats another reason why I love my mom, shes willing to make so many sacrifices to make me happy. I swear I'm getting really aggravated right now, cause I know I have ALOT to say, but when I finally have time to write I can't think of what I want to write. Make sense?
I'm really quite lonely at the moment. I'm still really confused. I had another dream about Gina, I can't remember what happened, I just remember it was something to the effect that we were together. If I was ever given the chance I could totally fall in love with her. As far as Bree goes, we've hung out a few times, (she came over and we went hiking then we went and ate at subway, and we went and watched a movie, and tomorrow we're going to Ft. Worth). I don't really quetion Bree anymore, I mean I just don't. Shes an awesome person, so I don't want to jepordize that by having feelings for her. I don't know, I really am lonely right now. I know one person who wants me, but that situation is just a big no right now. I want to simply fall in love with someone, be able to just hold their hand and be completely content with that. I've realized more and more lately, that people freak me out, I mean the thought of being with people freaks me out. Like the thought of me kissing a guy or dating one freaks me out, I'd be so lost, I wouldn't know how to act. But also the thought of being with another girl freaks me out to. Sure I've kissed 3 girls, but none of which I felt would last forever. I'm scared. I don't want to be by myself, I want to just be in love, have no complications, someone who I can trust completely, someone who I can just be with and be happy, I want to be able to give everything I have and at the same time take everything that they have, I want an equal relationship. I want to be able to give my heart to someone and not have to worry about them breaking it. But seriously lets think about this for a moment. Does someone like this exist? I'd like to believe so. I can think of a girl like that, but shes most likely straight, knowing my luck (I'm referring to Gina). When it comes to guys, I never know, the guys I would date are always taken, and even if they weren't they probably wouldn't date me, and I still can't figure out how to make that change.
I don't know what it is about me lately, but I keep seeming to want the unattainable. Its driving me nuts. I'll never be able to have Gina or Bree, or any of the other people.
Oh do you remember me telling you about Sara, the girl from Hawaii. Well yeah I talked to her on the phone about 2 weeks ago, shes awesome. Well she supposed to move to Washington (the state) by the end of the summer. Well she left about a week 1/2 ago, to go to washington for 2 weeks. I have her my phone numbers so she could call me, cause she wouldn't be able to get on the net while she was/is there. Well I hadn't heard from her at all (or so I thought). I sent her an IM the other day, even though I knew she would get it. Well friday I was up here in my room, fixing to watch a movie, and I heard the phone ring, I just assumed it was for mom or one of Kyle's friends like always. Well then I heard the phone ring again a little later, and assumed the same. Well I knew no one else was home, but I didn't really feel like running downstairs to answer either time. Well a little later I went down stairs to check the caller ID, one was a familiar number, the other I had no clue who it was. So I went and got the cell phone, and called the number. It was for a calling card company. So I looked back a few days, there was another weird number on the 6th, so I called it, it was another calling card company. So I was like damn, I missed her both times, maybe she'll call back later, she didn't. Well I told my mom about this, she wondered how I met Sara, so I told her the truth, over the internet. Well saturday when I got home from work, mom told me Sara called. And I was thinking Sarah from oakdale, like she was wanting me to work or her or something, and she knew I couldn't work for anyone on weekends, so why would she call. Then mom said Sara thats in washington. I was like say what??? I asked her if she said she'd call back. Mom said that she told her she expected me any minute. And that Sara said that she was on someone elses phone, so she couldn't call back. So well I found that interesting. So well I get home from work today. And I was just doing my own thing for like 40 minutes, and at the time I was talking to Miranda on the cell, and then my mom came out and was like oh I forgot to tell you. Sara called earlier. I asked when, she said a while ago. So I went and checked the caller ID and sure enough she called again at 3:45. So I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk to her tomorrow or tuesday, cause I don't work either day. But tomorrow I might be going to Ft. Worth with Bree.
Oh while I'm thinking about it, I think my mom suspects more about me being gay now. Well before I went to camp I bought Tomb Raider. And the other day I mentioned it to mom. And she'd been wanting to see it, so I told her she could borrow it. Well I came home today, and I went in her room to talk to her. And I noticed my movie was on her tv, so I was like oh shit. Cause well I got this box from work and duck taped it to make it last longer, well I did this so I could put all of my movies in it. And I thought nothing of it really. Well I put my Better than Chocolate movie in there, great movie for anyone, but it is definately related around gays. Well there was one movie in between it and Tomb Raider. I think this about my mom cause she was kind of acting different towards me, it kind of freaked me out when I first when in there, cause I didn't know she had my movie. But oh well, I'm not worried about it.
!!Miranda!!
I find it amazing how everytime I write, I write about Miranda. I suppose its because she has such a big part in my life. I mean she is my best friend. Granted there is still part of me that wants to be with her, but then I catch myself and I really have to think about that. Because once again I think its because I want the physical stuff. So I don't follow any spontaneous urges. So yeah ever since Miranda and I broke up, we've been working through things. We've gotten to know each other alot better, and we talk alot. Which is awesome. I feel that we're really close. I know she still loves me, which makes being around her a little hard sometimes, cause I know she has those urges. Alot of times it makes me feel like shit, being the one to break up with her. But it had to be done, it just wasn't working. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, of how much she hurts, I don't think she realizes that I can tell. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I feel I have to protect her, I don't know why. I want to protect her from hurting, from making stupid decisions. But I can't protect her, but I can always try right?
~~Nina~~
So ok yeah we broke up on the 2nd. If you've read previous entires, you'll know why. But yeah I'm not avoiding her, we got into a pretty good fight the other day. But we got that all fixed, but we haven't talked since then, not that I really mind though. Rafael came home, I really cant stand him at all. And I hate the thought of them possibly getting back together. If someone cheated on me I would never speak to them again. But anyways, about the fight. Ok I assume it was the day we broke up cause we were text messaging while she was at work. Well I hung out with this guy on the 5th, and he told me he was out back at work and she went and took a drag of his cigarette. Ok let me start out from when I first found this out. Ok I was up at Nina's work, waiting for her to get off so I could take her home (July 4th). Well when we finally got in the car she told me this guy Ryan (he was in a few of my classes at school, so I knew him) liked me. So I found that interesting. He had mentioned he was going to a party that night, and I was kind of interested in going to one, so I gave him my number. He was supposed to call me like an hour later and tell me where to go. I finally got home at like 2:30 (I went and hung out with Miranda). Then he called, and I talk to him for like 40 minutes while he was getting high and drunk. Well the next day I had drove to Granbury with the intentions of going to the movies, but I got left by myself. So I went to Nina's work to get food (lol its McDonald's BTW), and Ryan was working, so he said he was going to another party, and that he'd call me. So I went to dad's and ate. Then I drove around for 2 1/2 hoursm, I drove all the way out to Tin Top. It sucked. Well eventually he calls me. So I finally find where hes at. I drink a smirnoff black. Then we decided we were going to play quarters with this cheap ass wine (cause thats all the alcohol that was left). So well I have to drink out of this flowery tea glass (quite funny I think). And oh my god, that wine was fucking disgusting. So well then Ryan decides that there wasn't much left and that since it tasted bad, he'd add water to it to take down the taste a little. So well then I had to drink two more of those glasses, it still tasted like shit. During all this Ryan was getting high like no other. So let me say this, this night was not worth it, it turned out completely different than I thought it would. Well anyways, Ryan told me what Nina did during this. Well the next day I think it was. Nina and I had a text message fight, retarded and a waste of money. She was upset with me because I drank, yet we had talked about it before and we were actually going to go to a party before, so I didn't think it was a problem. Her smoking on the other hand I felt was a big deal. I knew she used to smoke, but she said she quit. She knew how much I was against Miranda smoking and all that shit, so she knew I was against her doing it too. So well yeah we just had a big fight about it. We didn't talk for 3 days, she text messaged me while I was eating with mom on wednesday after I had gotten my car, and I was a bitch to her. So before I went home I went by her house at like 11:30 (I had to go to wal-mart before that). But yeah I talked to her for like 15 minutes. And we sorted it out.
*~*Rebecca*~*
Ah.. Miss. Rebecca. I still haven't figured out why she captivates me so much. And no I'm not talking in a romantic type of way, just in general. I think its because she leads such a different life than mine, and there is always something new that interests me. I love hearing about what shes gotten to do in Europe. I love hearing about her everyday life. Even though I don't fully know what YOU is, I like to hear about it. Or you know I was thinking maybe it captivates me because shes one of the very few people who are very open and honest with me. Shes just one of those people who stick out. I can only think of how many people have crushes on her, or admire her, or tell her how great she is. I sometimes wonder if that ever gets old or annoying. Kind of like the little puppy dog that keeps nipping at your heel and won't stop. I'm just thinking, don't take this in a negative way. I love Rebecca to death, and now I'm proud to say just as a friend. Actually its been awhile since I figured that out. Like I said if something ever happened between us again it'd be cool. But I can honestly tell you I don't see that happening again, simply cause I know I'm not the type of person she wants to date anymore or again. The way I see it, this should make life a little simpler for her. One less person to try and make happy, or to try and not hurt their feelings. Like I'm always said you can't be everything to everyone. Friends, friends last forever, so yeah I'm completely happy with that. I plan to stick with this, I don't plan on changing my mind either. Friends.
!!*Kyle*!!
Yes, wow I've need to write about my brother for awhile, and now finally I am getting to. Ok as you know I've always strongly disagreed with the lifestyles he leads. I hate him smoking cigarettes and smoking pot. He has so much potential yet all hes been doing is wasting it. Ok before I left for camp (June 18th) Kyle got fired from Kwik Kar for being late too much, I find this amazing, how do you manage to get fired from a job where you only work 20 hours a week. Well when I got home Brian told me Kyle got a job at Loco Coyote (a restaraunt). So I was oh really, thats cool. So well Brian and his girlfriend had reserved and extra ticket to the Rodney Carrington concert for Kyle. So he called Kyle at work and told him. Kyle was supposed to be home at 6, he didn't get home till almost 7. Well I had just called Brian to see if he had heard from Kyle (I wanted the car so I could go to chruch, which started at 6:45), and then Kyle walked in the door. So I gave Kyle the phone, and Briand wanted Kyle to come where he was. And Kyle was like no you have to come get me the car is being weird, the breaks are really bad right now etc. So they hung up. Then Kyle told me not to drive the car cause it was fucked up, etc. So then I sat in my room, waiting for him to leave. Cause yeah I never listen to his BS. Well then I went down to the kitchen to see if he was gone, he wasn't, then I noticed the dogs had no water, so I went outside to fill it up. Bee was out there (and Kyle was sitting on the porch) and he asked me how camp was, I told him it was good (my answer to all of his questions). So I filled up the water bucket, and when I turned around Kyle was walking towards me. He was like so how was camp, I was like it was good. Then I smelt the weed. And as I walked by I saw the joint in his hand. It pissed me off, so I went and called mom and told her and I asked her if Bee said it was ok to drive the car if I could go, she said ok. Well a few minutes later, I'm in my room waiting for Kyle to leave. I hear this really loud crash (not glass though), so I just ignored it for a sec, then I went and opened my door, and I saw Kyle putting something in the trash. So well later I hear him talking to someone, so I came out of my room to see who it was. I ended up figuring out that Bee was back. And Kyle was bitching at him, giving him the whole speech where she smarter than everyone in this damn house, etc. And then I caught onto the fact that Brian said he wasn't going to come get him because they'd only be fighting the whole night (which is probably true).
Well a little later, after alot of silence, I went downstairs cause I thought Kyle had left. Well I got to the refrigerator and heard mom screaming. The only part I remember, is that she said I'm sick of all you doing is smoking dope. Well I went to my room and left the door open. Well mom came in mumbling to herself (loudly). When mom is really pissed off she mumbles what shes thinking. So I went downstairs to see what was up. She then pulled out the phone out of the trash (Kyle got pissed and Brian and broke the phone). Then mom went off. And I just listened to her. Well when she was done I went upstairs and waited a sec. Then I went and asked her if shed eaten, she hadn't, but now didn't have the appetite to eat. Then she told me she actually needed to go back up to work for awhile to finish some work. On the way there she went off again, commenting on how dirty the car was, etc. So yeah all in all mom kicked Kyle out of the house finally. I know I have a big part in this because I'd been pushing my mom (griping about Kyle constantly), I feel kind of bad for it, but it needed to be done. The only good he did around the house was occasionally putting dishes in the dishwasher, and washing his own clothes, and he would change the oil on the lexus. But yeah it needed to be done. I intended to clean the car that night, but I went to go see Nina, and ended up fighting with her (long story I'm choosing not to waste my time on). Well so the next day I spent $21 cleaning the car. I washed it, dried it, vaccumed the carpet and mats, shampooed the carpet and mats, cleaned the windows, and dusted all of the inside with armoral. I did a damn good job. But anyways, back to Kyle. Its been awhile since June 23rd, when this all happened. I talked to Kyle the other day, and hes been spending alot of time at dads on the internet. He been looking at some colleges and has sent in some applications, and is currently trying to figure out something living arrangements (to buy a trailer to live in while at college). So yeah that was a big step or him to even look at going to a college. I'm still not sure where hes staying at, cause I know dad won't let him stay with him either. I think this whole ordeal is for the best, for him. So yeah thats that.
Saturday, July 12, 2003
!!I have ALOT to say just not enough time right now!!
Do you ever stop and think how much you have an effect on other peoples lives? I do alot, but mostly I've always thought about how other people have impacted me, I've never stopped and looked around to see if I've made a difference. I guess I can't see that, the person has to tell me. It feels really good when someones told you, you've made a difference in their life, but also for me it feels a little strange. Its just so unfamiliar to me, I'm still learning though. But yeah, Amanda has decided to start a blogger, and actually write in it more than once. She said shes started it because she loves the idea of it, she told me that I influenced her. Shes not the first person that has done this. Miranda and Carly also started bloggers, but both of them have only written once in theirs. Granted this is such a small thing of my influence. But it makes me curious, have I had a bigger impact on people? I'd hope so.
!!!!!!!Car!!!!!!!
Guess what????? I got my first car on wednesday. I'm so psyched about it. It didn't have a stereo in it, the people that had it before me had a custom radio in it so they took it out when they sold it to the dealership. So I got the stereo put in on thursday (cause there was a piece missing on wednesday, and they had to pick it up in the morning. But yeah its a 95' Toyota Camry. It kicks ass, I'm loving it so much. Its crazy though it so close to being exactly like the Lexus. The body style is a little different, and the engine is a 4 cylinder and not a 6 cylinder, theres not much of a difference. But yeah I'm really happy. Mom bought it for me, I'm still not sure if I'm paying her back for it or not, shes been acting like she just bought for me, and I only have to pay for insurance. But yeah everyone that has seen it has liked it, so that makes me feel even better about it.
Below is just my reference so I'll know what else I need to write about when I get home from work:
**Miranda**
~~Me~~
!!Nina!!
~*~Life~*~
Do you ever stop and think how much you have an effect on other peoples lives? I do alot, but mostly I've always thought about how other people have impacted me, I've never stopped and looked around to see if I've made a difference. I guess I can't see that, the person has to tell me. It feels really good when someones told you, you've made a difference in their life, but also for me it feels a little strange. Its just so unfamiliar to me, I'm still learning though. But yeah, Amanda has decided to start a blogger, and actually write in it more than once. She said shes started it because she loves the idea of it, she told me that I influenced her. Shes not the first person that has done this. Miranda and Carly also started bloggers, but both of them have only written once in theirs. Granted this is such a small thing of my influence. But it makes me curious, have I had a bigger impact on people? I'd hope so.
!!!!!!!Car!!!!!!!
Guess what????? I got my first car on wednesday. I'm so psyched about it. It didn't have a stereo in it, the people that had it before me had a custom radio in it so they took it out when they sold it to the dealership. So I got the stereo put in on thursday (cause there was a piece missing on wednesday, and they had to pick it up in the morning. But yeah its a 95' Toyota Camry. It kicks ass, I'm loving it so much. Its crazy though it so close to being exactly like the Lexus. The body style is a little different, and the engine is a 4 cylinder and not a 6 cylinder, theres not much of a difference. But yeah I'm really happy. Mom bought it for me, I'm still not sure if I'm paying her back for it or not, shes been acting like she just bought for me, and I only have to pay for insurance. But yeah everyone that has seen it has liked it, so that makes me feel even better about it.
Below is just my reference so I'll know what else I need to write about when I get home from work:
**Miranda**
~~Me~~
!!Nina!!
~*~Life~*~
Friday, July 11, 2003
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
~~I just want to sleep forever~~
I really do too!! I'm so tired right now, I've been going constantly since summer began, I don't feel I've had a break. I have had fun, but not like I would expect in the summer. I want to go out on the lake, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I just want to sleep all day one day, but I always seem to get interupted, like at 9 in the morning I have to take mom to work cause I have to have the car to go to class and then as soon as class is over I have to go to work, then I get off at like 9:30, then I want to go do something, cause I wasn't able to during the day, so then I get home late, and then the whole cycle begins again. With my schedule and all, I've been racing, but its not only that, my mind has been racing. I have all of these thoughts running through my head, especially the ones about breaking up with Nina. And all the people I'd love to have a chance with, but most likely they'll never happen. I'm so damn confused right now, its not even funny. Sleep would be nice, but nope I'm not that lucky.
Well yeah I am fixing to go to work, so maybe I'll write later, who knows. Laters
I really do too!! I'm so tired right now, I've been going constantly since summer began, I don't feel I've had a break. I have had fun, but not like I would expect in the summer. I want to go out on the lake, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I just want to sleep all day one day, but I always seem to get interupted, like at 9 in the morning I have to take mom to work cause I have to have the car to go to class and then as soon as class is over I have to go to work, then I get off at like 9:30, then I want to go do something, cause I wasn't able to during the day, so then I get home late, and then the whole cycle begins again. With my schedule and all, I've been racing, but its not only that, my mind has been racing. I have all of these thoughts running through my head, especially the ones about breaking up with Nina. And all the people I'd love to have a chance with, but most likely they'll never happen. I'm so damn confused right now, its not even funny. Sleep would be nice, but nope I'm not that lucky.
Well yeah I am fixing to go to work, so maybe I'll write later, who knows. Laters
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)