!!Getting aggravated cause I really want to write, but I don't know what to write about!!

Do you ever do that? I do it all the time, and its not just with writing. I do this with people. This has to do alot with my will power motto. There have been so many times I wanted to do something, but either in fear or in intelligence I didn't do it. Not doing something in fear, is simply fear of negative consequences. Like wanting to tell someone so badly, that you like them alot, but fearing the friendship being ruined, I'd end up not telling them. Thats just how I am I suppose, always wanting things, and most of the time I'm too afraid to let go and just take the risk. I tell myself that I take alot of risks, but do I really? I mean do I really take the risks that will matter the most, or is it just that I haven't taken enough risks yet. I suppose you can never run out of risks though. I believe I can never stop wondering what could be, or what could happen, I'm just too curious. But you see I'm not the person that wants to wonder what could have happened. I don't want to pass up any opportunity Carpe Diem (sp?) Sieze the day, I guess I have to start following that motto alot more. Don't be afraid to take the risk, cause you never know would could happen. And as I always say, anything is possible.


~~I'm Lonely~~
Yeah isn't that the sad truth. How can I be lonely when I could have two perfectly good people. But I don't really want them. I say I don't want to be tied down, what kind of lame excuse is that. I guess I'm just too damn scared to say "Hey look the reason I don't want to date you is because I'm too fucked up, and I honestly don't think this relationship will last forever. And I mean come on do you really want to date someone who is emotionally unstable, and who has grown up looking for love anywhere where she can get it. I don't really think I could ever possibly return the love you could give me, the relationship would just not be fair for you. So please don't waste your time." But you see that makes me sound really depressive, angry and hopeless. But really I'm not all like that. I just don't waste my time on something thats not going to work out in the end, and I don't want to end up hurting someone else by leading them on. I mean to be completely honest, I know of like 3 different girls that I could fall head over heels in love with them, but they're all pretty much unattainable right now (one lives in Hawaii, the other 2 are most likely straight). As far as guys go, yeah theres like 3 also, and also all unattainable (one I've liked since 7th grade and he'll never like me, I'm just not his type, the other 2 both my girlfriends and are both guys I've grown up with, so I'm still the guys best friend). So yeah here lately I don't know whats up with me wanting the unattainable. I really am quite lonely right now, I just can't seem so feel whole, I feel this void-this emptiness, like theres something missing. I know I shouldn't feel that way, I guess thas just how I grew up, I've never really felt completely loved (although I really knew I was, just no one ever really said it)(I like to say its one of the effects of divorce, but hey what do I know). I feel content though, like I'm happy with how everything is going in my life, I'm just lonely.


**Flirting**
What is flirting? I always find it funny how I can just be having fun with a friend, and then someone tell me later that I was being a big flirt. I never really seem to notice that I am flirting, but constantly I have people telling me this. Like today at work I was pushing around with Kirk (guy I've been really good friends with since before 1st grade), and his little cousin was standing there, and he goes "you know he has a girlfriend, right? Her name is Sarah." I was like "yeah I know that, why do you think I was flirting?" He said yeah. I was like "hey Kirk and how long have we known each other, since before 1st grade." Kirk was like "sooo" Yeah I found it pretty funny, never in a million years would I think someone would say that about me and Kirk. I'm the guys best friend remember. I really do always find it interesting that people tell me I'm flirting, how can I be so oblivious to it, I mean I'm the one whose doing it. Or maybe its just that I'd like to choose to believe that I'm not flirting, just having fun. If it is so obvious to people that I'm flirting, which I think is playing around, does that mean the other person who I thought was just having fun, does that mean they were flirting back????? In that case, that would be pretty weird/cool/interesting. Just according to who this circumstance applies to.


Well I guess I did find some stuff to write about, I had to dig a little bit, but I still found it. Well I have to work in the morning, and I need some sleep. Laters.