??Wow where to begin??

~~Ok how about me~~

Well things have been getting progressively better. Well in the sense that I haven't felt like cutting myself as much. I'm not as stressed I suppose. Oh wow, damn I still haven't written about the most important stuff. I finally broke up with Nina, umm... on the 2nd. I still can't believe I did it. So yeah I love my new job at the park store. I feel complete when I leave there each day, I know I did a damn good job on what I could. Plus its been even better this weekend cause I finally got to learn how to do the register and all that good stuff. I love having a task put in front of me, and being able to accomplish what I needed to. Well I'm very happy with my car and my stereo, it makes me happy, and me having a car makes things so less complicated, no one has to share a damn car and no one has to be a chauffer (sp?). Thats another reason why I love my mom, shes willing to make so many sacrifices to make me happy. I swear I'm getting really aggravated right now, cause I know I have ALOT to say, but when I finally have time to write I can't think of what I want to write. Make sense?

I'm really quite lonely at the moment. I'm still really confused. I had another dream about Gina, I can't remember what happened, I just remember it was something to the effect that we were together. If I was ever given the chance I could totally fall in love with her. As far as Bree goes, we've hung out a few times, (she came over and we went hiking then we went and ate at subway, and we went and watched a movie, and tomorrow we're going to Ft. Worth). I don't really quetion Bree anymore, I mean I just don't. Shes an awesome person, so I don't want to jepordize that by having feelings for her. I don't know, I really am lonely right now. I know one person who wants me, but that situation is just a big no right now. I want to simply fall in love with someone, be able to just hold their hand and be completely content with that. I've realized more and more lately, that people freak me out, I mean the thought of being with people freaks me out. Like the thought of me kissing a guy or dating one freaks me out, I'd be so lost, I wouldn't know how to act. But also the thought of being with another girl freaks me out to. Sure I've kissed 3 girls, but none of which I felt would last forever. I'm scared. I don't want to be by myself, I want to just be in love, have no complications, someone who I can trust completely, someone who I can just be with and be happy, I want to be able to give everything I have and at the same time take everything that they have, I want an equal relationship. I want to be able to give my heart to someone and not have to worry about them breaking it. But seriously lets think about this for a moment. Does someone like this exist? I'd like to believe so. I can think of a girl like that, but shes most likely straight, knowing my luck (I'm referring to Gina). When it comes to guys, I never know, the guys I would date are always taken, and even if they weren't they probably wouldn't date me, and I still can't figure out how to make that change.

I don't know what it is about me lately, but I keep seeming to want the unattainable. Its driving me nuts. I'll never be able to have Gina or Bree, or any of the other people.

Oh do you remember me telling you about Sara, the girl from Hawaii. Well yeah I talked to her on the phone about 2 weeks ago, shes awesome. Well she supposed to move to Washington (the state) by the end of the summer. Well she left about a week 1/2 ago, to go to washington for 2 weeks. I have her my phone numbers so she could call me, cause she wouldn't be able to get on the net while she was/is there. Well I hadn't heard from her at all (or so I thought). I sent her an IM the other day, even though I knew she would get it. Well friday I was up here in my room, fixing to watch a movie, and I heard the phone ring, I just assumed it was for mom or one of Kyle's friends like always. Well then I heard the phone ring again a little later, and assumed the same. Well I knew no one else was home, but I didn't really feel like running downstairs to answer either time. Well a little later I went down stairs to check the caller ID, one was a familiar number, the other I had no clue who it was. So I went and got the cell phone, and called the number. It was for a calling card company. So I looked back a few days, there was another weird number on the 6th, so I called it, it was another calling card company. So I was like damn, I missed her both times, maybe she'll call back later, she didn't. Well I told my mom about this, she wondered how I met Sara, so I told her the truth, over the internet. Well saturday when I got home from work, mom told me Sara called. And I was thinking Sarah from oakdale, like she was wanting me to work or her or something, and she knew I couldn't work for anyone on weekends, so why would she call. Then mom said Sara thats in washington. I was like say what??? I asked her if she said she'd call back. Mom said that she told her she expected me any minute. And that Sara said that she was on someone elses phone, so she couldn't call back. So well I found that interesting. So well I get home from work today. And I was just doing my own thing for like 40 minutes, and at the time I was talking to Miranda on the cell, and then my mom came out and was like oh I forgot to tell you. Sara called earlier. I asked when, she said a while ago. So I went and checked the caller ID and sure enough she called again at 3:45. So I'm really hoping that I'll be able to talk to her tomorrow or tuesday, cause I don't work either day. But tomorrow I might be going to Ft. Worth with Bree.

Oh while I'm thinking about it, I think my mom suspects more about me being gay now. Well before I went to camp I bought Tomb Raider. And the other day I mentioned it to mom. And she'd been wanting to see it, so I told her she could borrow it. Well I came home today, and I went in her room to talk to her. And I noticed my movie was on her tv, so I was like oh shit. Cause well I got this box from work and duck taped it to make it last longer, well I did this so I could put all of my movies in it. And I thought nothing of it really. Well I put my Better than Chocolate movie in there, great movie for anyone, but it is definately related around gays. Well there was one movie in between it and Tomb Raider. I think this about my mom cause she was kind of acting different towards me, it kind of freaked me out when I first when in there, cause I didn't know she had my movie. But oh well, I'm not worried about it.


!!Miranda!!
I find it amazing how everytime I write, I write about Miranda. I suppose its because she has such a big part in my life. I mean she is my best friend. Granted there is still part of me that wants to be with her, but then I catch myself and I really have to think about that. Because once again I think its because I want the physical stuff. So I don't follow any spontaneous urges. So yeah ever since Miranda and I broke up, we've been working through things. We've gotten to know each other alot better, and we talk alot. Which is awesome. I feel that we're really close. I know she still loves me, which makes being around her a little hard sometimes, cause I know she has those urges. Alot of times it makes me feel like shit, being the one to break up with her. But it had to be done, it just wasn't working. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, of how much she hurts, I don't think she realizes that I can tell. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I feel I have to protect her, I don't know why. I want to protect her from hurting, from making stupid decisions. But I can't protect her, but I can always try right?


~~Nina~~
So ok yeah we broke up on the 2nd. If you've read previous entires, you'll know why. But yeah I'm not avoiding her, we got into a pretty good fight the other day. But we got that all fixed, but we haven't talked since then, not that I really mind though. Rafael came home, I really cant stand him at all. And I hate the thought of them possibly getting back together. If someone cheated on me I would never speak to them again. But anyways, about the fight. Ok I assume it was the day we broke up cause we were text messaging while she was at work. Well I hung out with this guy on the 5th, and he told me he was out back at work and she went and took a drag of his cigarette. Ok let me start out from when I first found this out. Ok I was up at Nina's work, waiting for her to get off so I could take her home (July 4th). Well when we finally got in the car she told me this guy Ryan (he was in a few of my classes at school, so I knew him) liked me. So I found that interesting. He had mentioned he was going to a party that night, and I was kind of interested in going to one, so I gave him my number. He was supposed to call me like an hour later and tell me where to go. I finally got home at like 2:30 (I went and hung out with Miranda). Then he called, and I talk to him for like 40 minutes while he was getting high and drunk. Well the next day I had drove to Granbury with the intentions of going to the movies, but I got left by myself. So I went to Nina's work to get food (lol its McDonald's BTW), and Ryan was working, so he said he was going to another party, and that he'd call me. So I went to dad's and ate. Then I drove around for 2 1/2 hoursm, I drove all the way out to Tin Top. It sucked. Well eventually he calls me. So I finally find where hes at. I drink a smirnoff black. Then we decided we were going to play quarters with this cheap ass wine (cause thats all the alcohol that was left). So well I have to drink out of this flowery tea glass (quite funny I think). And oh my god, that wine was fucking disgusting. So well then Ryan decides that there wasn't much left and that since it tasted bad, he'd add water to it to take down the taste a little. So well then I had to drink two more of those glasses, it still tasted like shit. During all this Ryan was getting high like no other. So let me say this, this night was not worth it, it turned out completely different than I thought it would. Well anyways, Ryan told me what Nina did during this. Well the next day I think it was. Nina and I had a text message fight, retarded and a waste of money. She was upset with me because I drank, yet we had talked about it before and we were actually going to go to a party before, so I didn't think it was a problem. Her smoking on the other hand I felt was a big deal. I knew she used to smoke, but she said she quit. She knew how much I was against Miranda smoking and all that shit, so she knew I was against her doing it too. So well yeah we just had a big fight about it. We didn't talk for 3 days, she text messaged me while I was eating with mom on wednesday after I had gotten my car, and I was a bitch to her. So before I went home I went by her house at like 11:30 (I had to go to wal-mart before that). But yeah I talked to her for like 15 minutes. And we sorted it out.


*~*Rebecca*~*
Ah.. Miss. Rebecca. I still haven't figured out why she captivates me so much. And no I'm not talking in a romantic type of way, just in general. I think its because she leads such a different life than mine, and there is always something new that interests me. I love hearing about what shes gotten to do in Europe. I love hearing about her everyday life. Even though I don't fully know what YOU is, I like to hear about it. Or you know I was thinking maybe it captivates me because shes one of the very few people who are very open and honest with me. Shes just one of those people who stick out. I can only think of how many people have crushes on her, or admire her, or tell her how great she is. I sometimes wonder if that ever gets old or annoying. Kind of like the little puppy dog that keeps nipping at your heel and won't stop. I'm just thinking, don't take this in a negative way. I love Rebecca to death, and now I'm proud to say just as a friend. Actually its been awhile since I figured that out. Like I said if something ever happened between us again it'd be cool. But I can honestly tell you I don't see that happening again, simply cause I know I'm not the type of person she wants to date anymore or again. The way I see it, this should make life a little simpler for her. One less person to try and make happy, or to try and not hurt their feelings. Like I'm always said you can't be everything to everyone. Friends, friends last forever, so yeah I'm completely happy with that. I plan to stick with this, I don't plan on changing my mind either. Friends.



!!*Kyle*!!
Yes, wow I've need to write about my brother for awhile, and now finally I am getting to. Ok as you know I've always strongly disagreed with the lifestyles he leads. I hate him smoking cigarettes and smoking pot. He has so much potential yet all hes been doing is wasting it. Ok before I left for camp (June 18th) Kyle got fired from Kwik Kar for being late too much, I find this amazing, how do you manage to get fired from a job where you only work 20 hours a week. Well when I got home Brian told me Kyle got a job at Loco Coyote (a restaraunt). So I was oh really, thats cool. So well Brian and his girlfriend had reserved and extra ticket to the Rodney Carrington concert for Kyle. So he called Kyle at work and told him. Kyle was supposed to be home at 6, he didn't get home till almost 7. Well I had just called Brian to see if he had heard from Kyle (I wanted the car so I could go to chruch, which started at 6:45), and then Kyle walked in the door. So I gave Kyle the phone, and Briand wanted Kyle to come where he was. And Kyle was like no you have to come get me the car is being weird, the breaks are really bad right now etc. So they hung up. Then Kyle told me not to drive the car cause it was fucked up, etc. So then I sat in my room, waiting for him to leave. Cause yeah I never listen to his BS. Well then I went down to the kitchen to see if he was gone, he wasn't, then I noticed the dogs had no water, so I went outside to fill it up. Bee was out there (and Kyle was sitting on the porch) and he asked me how camp was, I told him it was good (my answer to all of his questions). So I filled up the water bucket, and when I turned around Kyle was walking towards me. He was like so how was camp, I was like it was good. Then I smelt the weed. And as I walked by I saw the joint in his hand. It pissed me off, so I went and called mom and told her and I asked her if Bee said it was ok to drive the car if I could go, she said ok. Well a few minutes later, I'm in my room waiting for Kyle to leave. I hear this really loud crash (not glass though), so I just ignored it for a sec, then I went and opened my door, and I saw Kyle putting something in the trash. So well later I hear him talking to someone, so I came out of my room to see who it was. I ended up figuring out that Bee was back. And Kyle was bitching at him, giving him the whole speech where she smarter than everyone in this damn house, etc. And then I caught onto the fact that Brian said he wasn't going to come get him because they'd only be fighting the whole night (which is probably true).

Well a little later, after alot of silence, I went downstairs cause I thought Kyle had left. Well I got to the refrigerator and heard mom screaming. The only part I remember, is that she said I'm sick of all you doing is smoking dope. Well I went to my room and left the door open. Well mom came in mumbling to herself (loudly). When mom is really pissed off she mumbles what shes thinking. So I went downstairs to see what was up. She then pulled out the phone out of the trash (Kyle got pissed and Brian and broke the phone). Then mom went off. And I just listened to her. Well when she was done I went upstairs and waited a sec. Then I went and asked her if shed eaten, she hadn't, but now didn't have the appetite to eat. Then she told me she actually needed to go back up to work for awhile to finish some work. On the way there she went off again, commenting on how dirty the car was, etc. So yeah all in all mom kicked Kyle out of the house finally. I know I have a big part in this because I'd been pushing my mom (griping about Kyle constantly), I feel kind of bad for it, but it needed to be done. The only good he did around the house was occasionally putting dishes in the dishwasher, and washing his own clothes, and he would change the oil on the lexus. But yeah it needed to be done. I intended to clean the car that night, but I went to go see Nina, and ended up fighting with her (long story I'm choosing not to waste my time on). Well so the next day I spent $21 cleaning the car. I washed it, dried it, vaccumed the carpet and mats, shampooed the carpet and mats, cleaned the windows, and dusted all of the inside with armoral. I did a damn good job. But anyways, back to Kyle. Its been awhile since June 23rd, when this all happened. I talked to Kyle the other day, and hes been spending alot of time at dads on the internet. He been looking at some colleges and has sent in some applications, and is currently trying to figure out something living arrangements (to buy a trailer to live in while at college). So yeah that was a big step or him to even look at going to a college. I'm still not sure where hes staying at, cause I know dad won't let him stay with him either. I think this whole ordeal is for the best, for him. So yeah thats that.