!!Getting Aggravated!!

Yeah I'm getting quite aggravated, because Erika is leaving next thursday to go to North Carolina to play soccer in college. So I won't get to see/meet her till christmas break or spring break. So we/I decided that I wanted to see her before she goes. So we talked about this on monday. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, I've been working things out to where I could go. So I worked it out with my boss as Dinosaur VSP, and she let me off on friday. And at Oakdale I work tomorrow till 4. So then I started thinking, ok I could go up there and stay the night in a hotel, and then go home the next afternoon, and spend all that time (hopefully) with her. So what does Erin do. I reserve a hotel room, but you have to be 18 to check in when you get there, but Erin is only 17. I've been calling Erika since yesterday around 12:00, I barely talked to her last night, the phone cut out. I left a message on her answer machine, and a voicemail. I even text messaged her to check her email (cause since I couldn't get ahold of her, I emailed her, hoping she'd get it). I'm tried calling her all day today, got ahold of her, she was out, she told me she'd call me when she got home. She hasn't called me back yet. I've been calling her still, no answer. I'd really like to get ahold of her to know if I come down if I'll actually get to hang out with her. Cause I don't want to go down there and have it be a waste of time, meaning not getting to see her cause I couldn't get ahold of her. I'm worried now, I don't want to go down there and not be able to see her. I have a room reserved right now on my mom's credit card, if I have to cancel the reservation I have to by 6 p.m. But most of all I really want to go see her, and this is my only opportunity. Yeah I'm really about to go crazy, cause I can't get ahold of her, to tell her this. I mean she needs a heads up... so she can make arrangements.



**Miranda**
Yeah last night I went to her house after practice. Well like as soon as I got home, I got a text message from her it said: damn I wanted to kiss you so bad. I mean come on, where does she come off saying that. Seriously. Dammit, GET OVER ME PLEASE. I'm going crazy. Its really hard to be her friend right now, cause I can tell all shes thinking about is trying to flirt with me, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I really just want to tell her to leave me alone for awhile, but then I know she'll call a few hours later. She just simply can't get it into her head, no means no. And leave me alone, means leave me alone. I really could use a break from her. I've been doing fine being away from Shanina, and I know I could do without Miranda for awhile. I know that sounds harsh, but you're not in my shoes. Ok and to be completely honest I'm not attracted to her whatsoever. I mean I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I just don't have and deeper connection with her romantically, its just not possible. She may think she loves me, but she doesn't, she doesn't know what love is, shes not mature enough to really understand/feel it. Speaking of maturity, I always feel like I'm babysitting or something when I'm around her. Ok and I know I may be the party pooper, but I think theres a line between having fun, and just be a complete jackass. And another thing, I'm sorry but I really don't think farting is very attractive at all. Ok so yeah being friends with Miranda is cool and all, but sometimes/alot of the time I feel smothered, cause she always calls and wants to go do something, etc. I mean things she did when we were together. WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE, GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD. I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch, but all of its getting quite exhausting. It like one of those situations, where your try to tip-toe around as if to try and not hurt the other person, but you know in the end you'll just end up hurting them. Thats how I feel right now, I'm sick of avoiding the enevitable. So here we go, the harsh truth. Miranda I do not love you or even remotely have feelings for you anymore, but I never really loved you in the first place, I wouldn't allow myself to. But you never really gave me a fair chance, since I never really knew the real you, till after I broke up with you. I'm not attracted to you emotionally/mentally, you are you Miranda you can't change that. I love intelligence, which has been unfair to you cause I've compared you to other people (had expectations which I knew you couldn't live up to), but you're just not up to my level, and no I'm not saying you're stupid cause you're not. I've tried so hard to get you to realize your potential, I've helped you some, but not fully, you could still do more. And I'm not say do more for me, I mean for you. Really please stop trying to make me happy all the time, quit trying to impress me, quit trying to change yourself to please me. Do something for yourself for a change. Your life does not revolve around me. I'm tired of trying to keep you away from me, you always complain about those people who like you and follow you everywhere. Guess what, your that same person. Ok I know you've seen Not Another Teen Movie, well you're the best friend. You can keep trying your best but your never going to really get the girl. You had the girl, ya'll had ya'lls moment in time, and now its time to move on (for you 5 months after the breakup, for me it was before that 5 months began). Being friends it cool, but I don't want a relationship, hell I don't even want friends with benefits anymore. I'm sick of it. You were a great first girlfriend, but I can gaurantee you, you won't be my last. And even though I know you'll think its stupid, but I will have boyfriends too. Get used to it. I'm the girl who'll date the rest of her life, and end up alone but still be happy with the way she lived. So please understand me, give me my space. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I can't help it, you should have let go the moment we broke up.




So well its 1 in the morning, I'm tired and I have to work in the morning, and I still don't fucking know if I'm going to Austin or not. FRUSTRATED!!