~~Figuring out~~

I think I've finally figure out, that I'm going to end up completely alone in my life. I really mean that. I really am a hopeless romantic. I want love so bad, I look for it, I long for it, I want all of those girly fantasies. You know get married, live a happy life. I'm not so sure about having kids, if it happens someday then it will happen. But I honestly think I will end up alone. And honestly it scares me, I want to find that one true love. I want to be happy. At this moment I keep feeling and seeing my self this 50 year old woman, sitting in her house all alone, except for a dog and a cat. I mean how pathetic does this sound. I really feel this way. Always searching, never finding. When will this end. Why should a 17 year old have drama. Why couldn't I have been one of the normal girls, who is all girly and who ends up with a sweet boyfriend, whose relationship lasts for quite awhile. Why couldn't I have been normal? Lol if you've ever seen But I'm a Cheerleader (great movie by the way), what is my root? I believe my root comes from my parents divorce, I never grew up in the proper home, I never felt fully loved by my father (which makes me resent guys some). And I have sort of the same root as Megan (girl from the movie), I've always seen my mom sort of as the father figure. My friends growing up were always primarily guys, I have two older brothers and no sisters. My brothers always gave me a hard time about guys. Lol thats a long ass root. But anyways, I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of falling in love with the people that i'll never be able to have in this lifetime. Why try? But I suppose I have to try, take those risks, and never give up. You know I keep searching for love, but when will love find me for once?



**BREE**
So she convinced me to go to practice last night, Sabrina came with her. So I went, Sabrina couldn't play cause she got hurt at camp. We started to scrimmage a little, and Bree played with us. Well guess what, she hurt her knee again. We had to leave her car at coach's house, she sat in my back seat, and Sabrina sat in the front. So I took Bree and Sabrina home. Bree was really upset, I wanted to just hold her hand so bad, and tell her that it was going to be ok, but that would have been really inapproprite right. I just wanted to take care of her. Lol yeah I realized yesterday that I still have alot of feelings for Bree. But theres nothing I can do about it. TAKE RISKS?? I could but I don't want to jepordize our growing friendship.



!!TODAY!!Today I had a great day at work, we had alot of fun just making jokes and having fun. I was in a really good mood. Well I come home and get on the net, and sit here, then I decide to go see Tomb Raider 2, well I decided like 15 minutes to drive there. So when I get there I ask for a ticket, and they give me a hard time. Telling me they were out, then one of the guys filled out a ticket that says Loser on it (how true is that, I still have it). Then I paid for my ticket, and they gave me it, but he wouldn't give me my change back. Finally he did. So I go inside I said hi to Jennifer. She told me Gina was seeing the same movie I was, I was like oh yay. She asked if I was mad at her, I said no, that I was just in a weird mood. So I go on into the movie, the previews were still on, so I decided to text message Gina, to see where she was at in the theatre. She ended up holding up her phone with the lights on so I could see them. I saw her, waved at her, she saw me, we stayed sitting where we were, I couldn't really see her throughout the movie, but I didn't particularly care, cause I was so focused on Angelina. So well the movie was really cool, I enjoyed watching it by myself. So well after the movie, I was trying to stay and see who some of the actors were. Then I saw Gina and Sarah (Marshall, I thought before the movie she was Ally, the girl from church). So well I was ok, I'll just go and talk to them real quick. Well it was weird, neither of them really said anything to me, basically the only thing Gina did was hold up her phone with the lights on again, just joking ya know. Well I walk out with them, and I expected them to say something, but then we just kind of walked in our seperate directions. This made me really uncomfortable/paranoid. I don't think Gina knows anything, theres not any reason for her to be mad at me, so I don't know. It was weird.

So well after I left I was really bummed. So I started driving to Bree's, I call her to see what she was doing (I turned back around in the process), she invited me over, so I turned back around, and stopped at the gas station to get a drink, then I went to Bree's, we were hanging out and just talking. I really loved it, it was cool. Well then Miranda calls Bree, Miranda comes over like 15 minutes later, it pissed me off. Simply because she always finds some way to be around me. I seriously think that she knew I was over there, cause I never answered the phone during the day, and when I'm with Bree I never answer the phone. Makes me wonder. So yeah I was uncomfortable then, cause I really would like my space ya know. Well basically we kind of fought in front of Bree, and she really pissed me off. One I was talking about my dad, Jan and Janelle being obsessed with American Idol, and how they make plans around the show. Then Miranda made a comment about me and my tv (which yeah I do watch alot of tv, but she always interrupts me mainly when I'm eating, and yeah I don't like talking to her when I'm watching tv, cause she always talks about stupid shit that could wait to be said later. So instead of letting her waste my time I go back to watching my tv. Ok and the other thing happened when I was talking to Amanda, I was telling her I saw Gina at the movies, and Miranda goes I bet that made your movie a whole lot better. I flipped her off, she really pissed me off. I mean where does she come off say shit like that. She never thinks before she says things. Don't say shit when you don't know the whole story!! It pissed me off more cause she said it in front of Bree. It really is quite embarassing to do that shit in front of Bree. It makes me feel stupid. I know Bree hates drama, she and I both do, we think its retarded (and know I'm not just agreeing cause I like her, I've always believed this). But yeah its like I can't excape it, I'm about to go crazy. Well finally Miranda left, so I was more comfortable. When she left I text messaged her and said, one word: blogger, so I'm hoping she'll actually read my last post and give me my space. Which shes Miranda, I know shes going to take it wrong, she takes everything wrong. But I don't care anymore but I said needed to be said.

So anyways, Bree and I watched the New Tom Green Show and we talked some more. I might go back over there tomorrow night after work, or sunday night, I'm not sure shes supposed to call me.

So yeah about Gina and Bree, both unattainable. I've had several people tell me they're possibilities, but I'm not so sure. I get so frustrated with myself when I want something so bad, like its just within reach, but I can never fully get ahold of it. My only hope would for one of them to just give me a chance. I wouldn't let either of them down, I'd do anything for them, anything.



Oh BTW, I didn't end up going to Austin, I was never able to get ahold of Erika. Oh yeah did I ever tell you I came out to my best friend Meghann (Chapman), and this afternoon I also came out to my friend Sara (Young) well I let her read my blogger (its the same thing to me). Slowly but surely I'm getting more comfortable with people knowing, its mainly the people from my past that is hard to tell. Like Meghann and Sara, we'd talk about relationships but I was never fully honest, they assumed I'd dated guys. But yeah if you've read my blogger you should know all of my drama and all about my bisexuality. But well, I'm super tired, and I have to work at 12, and its after 2 now, so I'm going to go to bed now, Laters.