~~So Wow I need to write~~

Yeah theres a bunch of stuff to write about how I'm feeling at the moment, but I'm getting ready to go to work, so maybe I'll be able to write when I get home.

~*~Do they really ever understand~*~

I've been thinking alot lately, about alot of different stuff. I'm kind of back in my depressive stage again, but theres not much I can do about it. I've had a few people ask me whats wrong (Ashley, Gina and Audrie), and I just simply say that I'm lonely. But is it more than that? I think so, but then again I don't. I just simply want someone to hold me and to care for me, and just to be with me, no complications. But its just not happy, Erin can never be able to be completely happy, never. It hasn't happened yet. Every person I've ever been seriously interested in, theres never been a real chance of me ever being with them. Its just so damn aggravating, everywhere I go, I see these couples, or with my friends I'm almost always hearing about there boyfriends or girlfriends. And I just want to say, do you not think hearing this bothers me, do you not understand how fucking lonely I am. Yeah I am the counselor for everyone, and I love being that person. But you see Erin doesn't have a counselor and never will, its just that way, and it will never change, I may talk to people about things, but they'll never be able to fully understand where I'm coming from, because I'm just so different from people. But when it comes to other people, I understand exactly where they are coming from with anything they talk to me about, I'm not sure why it is, maybe its cause every experience I've had I keep in my mind, and every experience I've seen someone else have I keep in my mind too as if it were my own. Perhaps thats why I'm so fucked up, I keep living in is dream world, as if everything is a fantasy. Nothings real, and will never be real. Every feeling I've had for a person, was based on some sort of fantasy I have in my head, of this beautiful, wonderful person falling madly in love with me, and in that time I'd no it would never happen, yet I'd still continue to think about it all the time. Which this is what is going on with Gina at the moment. I keep trying to get myself to stop thinking about her, but I can't I just can't. Why do I have to keep this false hope alive? When will something/someone real come along and sweep me off of my feet? When? Do I ever get to be happy?

But yeah back to what I was saying, do any of these people realize how they affect me. Don't get me wrong I love being the person I am, the counselor, so don't think to hold back on telling me how you're feeling. This is just me venting. All of these people come to me with there problems or dramas or whatever you want to call them. But do they ever stop to think, gee I wonder how shes feeling? Do they not see how fucked up I really am, how emotionally unstable I am, or how lonely and depressive I am. I wonder how I could ever be someone's hero, but I think to some people consider me one. I know I always hold my own, I put on a tough face and a tough act, perhaps just to get people to leave me alone. Can anyone see through me? I don't think so unless they read my blogger. Does this make me a good actress then? Can anyone see how much I need someone to just hang onto? And I mean someone real, not a fantasy. I don't want to feel the need to hang on to a person, I don't feel I just have to depend on someone else, thats why I never talk to people about what I'm feeling. I have to hold my own. I just can't depend on someone else, I can never allow myself to really do that. But I just get so tired sometimes, and I feel like I can't hang on to life any more, I just need a break, but I can't take a break cause I won't have anyone to take care of me while I take a break. So then its just this continious cycle. I think its pretty funny sometimes, cause as much as I think about it, I really am my own counselor, seriously. I think of everytime I get down on myself I always convince myself I can do better or that things will change, etc. etc. and I eventually get out of my little stage. Well I always notice that I'm my own counselor everytime I go running or when we run in soccer, cause I get in so much pain from my shin spints and I just want to stop, but I just keep pushing myself in my mind, that I can't give up, its not that much farther, just keep going. Even though it hurts so much, I can't feel my feet, I just seem to have a very strong will power, I'm so determined, I keep fighting the good fight I suppose you could say. Its just not within me to give up, perhaps cause I'm too scared to find out what could happen if I gave up.

Saturday, I hung out with Miranda. We ate at chicken express, then we went and saw a movie. After the movie we sat in the parking lot, and we talked or well she talked and I listened. I can't say anything about what she said cause she asked me not to. But just so you know it had nothing to do with us. But I realized it while we were sitting there, all the times I've listened to her. Have I ever talked to her and just had her listen. Listening to her made me sad, it really did. It was as if everything was once again thrown in my face. How lonely I was, how much I wanted to be with someone. It was strange, cause I think of who I've dated this year, 2 of which I could probably go back to if I wanted. But I know in my heart that I can't, cause it won't work out in the end, and in the process would ruin the friendships I have with these people. It was just so depressing, knowing that I can't have these people again, I can't and won't let myself do that, again. One it would mean I was desperate (and I don't mean that in a bad way), and two in my heart I know I don't want to really be with those people again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I find ironic, how I tend to be the one to hurt myself, rather than having someone else hurt me. But yeah hanging out with Miranda and actually talking to her for the first time in a month was really weird, but it was cool at the same time. I think the time was good for us both, probably more so for her than me. But as I was sitting there listening to her, I realized how much things had changed (or well more so because I had found out alot of stuff that she had lied about) between us, but I wasn't upset or mad about anything anymore, I just was there. Finally, simply a friend. Ok Miranda I have to say one small thing relating to what you told me, hope your not mad. Ok the one thing that really upset me about Miranda talking to me, was the fact that once again she was telling me about someone else wanting her (and she wasn't lying, she was for real, someone who shes kind of dating). And it just made me think, wow, will anyone ever really want me? Will anyone that I want ever want me in return.

Ok damn, I know I'm repetitive, but all of these things just keep repeating over and over in my head, like a broken record. Its driving me crazy. Well this is all that I'm writing for now. I'm going to write about other people when I get back from taking a shower, so I'll be back laters.