~*~A Midnight Stroll Through the City of Lights~*~

Prom was wonderful, it went by a little too fast, but it was great just the same. Everyone was so enthusiastic about how I dressed, they all loved it. I had a blast, I didn't take any picture while we were there, although I wish I did, I'm sure I can get copies of other people's. I'll give details of everything later, cause I have to pack to go to my dad's, so I'll be back later!!

!!Rebecca!!

She makes me wonder sometimes, I sort of talked to her on wednesday, and she said she'd call me, and she hasn't yet. She also said that she was writing a long blogger, and I've been checking it, and it hasn't been updated. So hmm... is she busy again?? Is she hurting really badly again? Who knows?

**ANOTHER LETTER, WHOO-HOO**

She wrote it last night, BTW

Erin-
Hey! What's Shakin? Not alot on my side. *I'm so sleepy!* Tomorrow night I'm gonna do the Relay for Life. I don't know if I'm gonna have any energy left for Saturday! I'm only getting my hair done, and then I'm going to Ft. Worth to see my 7 month old cousin. *Yeah!* He's so cute! And he actually likes me. -- While I'm thinking about it.... Rafael asked me today before 5th periodif we were going out yet. (you and I). I told him that he'd definately know it if we were! Oh, and my friend Loren Scott wants to meet you. And my other friend, Joey Jenkins, says that you're really hott. - Don't worry, I let him know that he couldn't have you! (LOL!) - Oh, it was so sweet today. Rafael came over, and he sung 'Crash' by Dave Matthew's Band and 'Good Morning Beautiful' By Aron Lines. (At least I think that's who sings it.) and we had Sharpie Marker fights. He won when he wrote Loser on my back. It's still there because it won't wash off. You can even see smeared green marks on my face still! - And everytime the phone rang, he'd ask if it was you. Even though you don't have my number.... ---but anyway, I'm so happy to find out you're going to prom! It's gonna be so much fun! I might have to steal a dance.... except I dunno how to dance.... yeah, anyway.... no, I'm not in school choir, I don't like their songs. I'm in choir at my church and the praise team. (FBC on hwy 51) - The only way I could ever sing for you is if you're across the room and my back was turned. I have to tell myself I'm alone to actually sing well. I'm just weird like that. - Thanks for the wonderful compliments. I just hope they all come true! -- Let's see, what else....um... I live with my real parents and I have 2 sisters. (No step or half family). I have 1 dog, 2 cats, 7 fish and a turtle. My favorite animals are dolphins and penguins. I love storms and I lik to watche lightening, and stars and clouds. - I like funny movies and mysteries. I get embarassed easily and I have a crazy sence of humor. I wanna be an individual, but I hate being on the spot. -- I walso agreed with Joey about you being hott, but I let him know that there was alot more there under the surface. Even more to like and admire. - Tell me more about you. Anything. - It's getting late, so I'm gonna go - later -
(her phone number) (heart) Nina

Wow, I still can't believe she likes me, it seriously blows my mind. I'm still not quite sure what to do. But I'll see her tonight at the Relay for Life, and I'll see her tomorrow at prom. So I guess I'll just see how it goes.

Well I'm at school right now, and I also don't have anything else to say, so Laters.

~~Prom, Prom, Prom~~

Yeah, our prom is this saturday, yay for me, lol. I got my nails done today, they look good I guess, definitely something new for me. I am getting a pedicure on friday, and I KNOW I'm going to like it, my "soccer feet" have been needing some attention for quite some time now, lol. While I was getting my nails done today, we were talking about how I should do my hair, well the hair lady happened to hear us, so when I was done with my nails I let her play with my hair. It turned out pretty damn good for just playing around. She did it in all of these little twists, it looked cute, I wish I had her doing my hair. I have no clue who is doing my hair, and I will be getting my hair done at the same time as Miranda, and her mom is going to be there, and so is mine, how weird will that be. Anyways, on saturday I get my hair done at 2:00, I have to be at Angie's grandma's house at 5:30 for pictures (my mom and dad and Jan will be there), the limo should be there at 6:00, we're eating at the Saltgrass Steakhouse at about 7:15. Then after that we're going to the Arlington Convention Center. I haven't decided if I'm going to stay the night at Angie's, come home or go to Lakeside Baptist Church (Stephanie invited me, they're doing a movie night thing, and I guess going to church the next morning). Guess I need to figure out that part. But anyways, I hope I fit into my dress, I ran 3 miles on wednesday and thursday and I did 400 crunches (not all at the same time of course) yesterday. I will be mad if it is still tight, granted I know I haven't worked out very much at all, but still. I would have ran today, if there wasn't a damn huge storm.

**Lol I have a Last Name**

Ahh... yes I received another letter today!! She actually wrote me back yesterday night. Here it is:

Erin,
Hey, what's goin on? Not alot here. - I'm not really a big letter colorer either, I just wanted your 'Happy Birthday' to be special - Which I hope it was.... Youn really surprised me today when you gave me that letter. I guess the favor was returned, becuz that made my day too. -- About Rafael.... I've known him since 3rd grade, and he's known that I've like you since I figured it out. We've been together almost 5 months, and he understands my outlook on things. I fall in love with people, not sexes. He said he didn't care as long as I didn't have another boyfriend. He'd leave us alone and allow us to do our own thing. He's the greatestand he understands me. (Please understand that I'm not saying you specifically, but any girl.) - But yeah, speaking of relationships, Rafael told me about you and Miranda a few weeks ago. I'm really sorry things didn't work out. That's one reason why I was so hesitant to tell you. I always see you two talking, and I didn't know what was going on between you two. I didn't wanna getin the middle of anything, and I didn't want her to hate me if/when she found out. (Yeah, I don't even know if that made any sence.) - of course it means something to me. I want you to be happy! :) -- before I embarass myself even more.... yes, I already knew your last name when I talk to Mike about you, he'd always say 'Guy Aaron or girl Erin?' So I made it a point to find out your last name in English last tri. I went from "Girl Erin who plays soccer" to Erin Jones. - I'm weird like that. -- So what do you wanna know? - I'm 16, I live for little kids and music, I play 8 instruments, I can't spell, I speak German, I wanna be a pediatrician, I play soccer when I'm not practicing for band or singing, and I'm very self-conscience. - Yeah, that's about me. - Now it's your turn. Tell me anything about you that you want. - g2g - later-
(heart) Shanina Gilbert <--I have a last name now!

On the back side it said: -->This is way too long! Sorry, it wasen't intended!

Wow, can you believe that. I keep thinking about the whole thing about me and her, and her and Rafael. See I've totally been against it in the past, with Natalie and Lauren and their boyfriends, it drove me up the wall, but I think its because of the type of people they were. Rafael and Shanina are both wonderfully sweet people, and I don't know. Rafael is this really nice guy and he cares about people alot and him to be cool with her dating a girl and the same time, is just amazing. And I truly mean that he is cool with it, yeah Shanina has told me that, but I see him before algebra, and hes been giving me these looks since she told me she liked me. But really I don't think hes a jealous person (if I were a guy it would be different), but Rafael likes me and is cool with me, we talked alot when we had classes. I still think all of this is crazy/mad. Its totally awesome. You know I was just thinking, saying that you're talking to someone is so cool. Its not like are ya'll going out, no we're talking right now, getting to know each other first. Lol I love it. And I think its so cute how both of us are really shy, but then its totally awesome when you catch the other staring at you, and when you surprise them with a letter (I wasn't nervous when I gave it to her, but my stomach dropped when I gave it to her, but it was totally a good thing). She has really pretty eyes and a cute smile and dimples. Dimples are so cool.

Hmm.. Becca said she was writing in her blogger, I haven't seen it updated yet, maybe it will before I go to bed.

Anyways, well I don't have much else to say, and I'm tired of typing with these nails, its a pain in the ass. But I need to go to my history and write Amanda and Shanina back, so I'll talk to you laters.

**I'm Totally Gloating Right Now, SERIOUSLY**

Today has been good I guess, but the last 20 minutes of Algebra (last period), has made my day great. And what made me so happy, is that a girl in my class told me that she likes me. Well first of all, her name is Shanina (and I'm pretty sure its spelt differently than that). But I guess we first met in the first tri of school through Rafael (he was in my chemistry class, and they were good friends, I didn't really talk to her much. Well in the secone tri, her and Rafael were in my English class, I talked to her every once and awhile, but I mostly slept, lol. And one of her best guy friends Michael (Mike) was in my U.S. History class. Well this tri she is in my chemistry class and my algebra class. And I talk to her alot in chemistry, she is an eighth German, which we did all the math ourselves, lol I can't remember who is full-blood German, I think it was her grandpa. Anyways, I never really though much of her until today, I just knew that she was this really cool, down to earth girl, who was really sweet and pretty. And well she likes key chains (like I do), she has like 20 on her backpack, it cracks me up, you can hear her coming from a mile away.

Anyways she wrote me a birthday note, here it is:

Erin-
Hey! Just wanted to tell you to have a great birthday and a wonderful easter! - Mike says hi. Well, so much for getting this done by Friday! - Well, I still hope you have fun. I taught a 2 1/2 year old to call his dad a punk. It was greatness! He's so cute :). - But yeah, I have to tell you a secret. I'll tell you in Algebra, because first you have to promise not to freak out on me. You're a really kewl person, and I'd hate to ruin whatever friendship we have or could have. - Rafael, Mike, and a few of my other friends know. Since its concerns you, I decided that maybe you should know. - Well yeah - I didn't even plan on actually writting a letter. I was just gonna color a "Happy Birthday" for you. - Well, I better go. - I hope you had a great birthday and a Happy Easter - g2g. (heart) Me

And on the sides of the paper she drew flames which look totally awesome, and in the middle in big letters (in pink) its says "Just Wanna Say...." And in blue and green in big letters it says "Happy Birthday." And then she drew a purple heart with a yellow cross in it, and then in big letters she put Nina. Oh and she didn't give this to me until we were in Algebra.

Well after I read it, I was like she has to tell me a secret, what could she possibly tell me, that she doesn't want to freak me out or ruin our friendship, it seriously never crossed my mind that she could possibly like me, like I've said, I have no gaydar. But well then I asked her what it was, and she was like you have to promise you won't freak out, and I said ok I promise, then she told me she'd tell me in a second. We were all kind of busy doing this review for a test (cause this class is hard as hell). Well then she sat back down (since a few weeks ago she now sits diagonally in front of me, in chemistry she sits diagonally behind me, both on my right side). She wrote me a note that said: "You have to promise not to freak out or tell anyone. k? - I'm really shy, so... yeah. I really don't wanna freak you out & Liz said that you were after you read my letter." I was like oh, it didn't freak me out, it just made me really curious. And then a little bit later she wrote more onto it she said: "I'm bi - and I've liked you since 2nd tri.(don't say anything b/c not alot of people know that I'm bi)." I read that like right before the bell rang. And we were one of the last few people out of class, and I was just like thats cool. And she said this is a really good tone, that cracked me up, she was like well I didn't really want to say anything, but I thought I should, and well I was actually happy just staring at you. And then we had to go in different directions, I started laughing, and I told her bye. My laughing was in a good way and she knew that. I couldn't help it, it was just so cute, she totally made my day.

Well I had no idea that she was bi, at all. I'm pretty sure shes still dating Rafael (or atleast she was a week ago), he is badass too. I'm just totally gloating right now. I don't care if shes dating Rafael or not, she told me she like me, and I mean damn thats just the coolest thing. Yeah she is a really cool girl, and would definitely be worth dating if it ever came to that. Damn life can suck really bad sometimes, but then it throws you a couple of surprises that just blow your mind.

Well yeah I'm in a great mood right now. I didn't do anything else really all that exciting in school. So this is all I have to say for now. So Laters!!

!!!Happy Birthday to ME!!! ???But is it really all that happy???

And no I don't mean to sound all depressed and pessimistic or anything, its just a question. You see the las three years I have done nothing for my birthday. My 8th grade year my mom wasn't even here for my birthday, but somehow I managed to get three of my friends together and we went out to eat. My 7th grade year, I celebrated it on the last day of school, all of my friends (like 12 or 13 of them) rode the bus home with me, then we opened presents and all that, then we all packed into the car and went to Oakdale (the pool), and we stayed there for awhile then this big storm came in, so we went inside the office, then we al went home, the boys had to literally go home, and all the girls stayed the night. I remember that night for a long time. Jennifer and Vanessa wrote in the dust on the ceiling fan in the living room (we didn't have carpet or railings on the stairs and catwalk), and their writings stayed there for another good two years.

But well the last few years I've gotten used to being alone on my birthday and not doing anything for it. But lately Amanda and Rebecca have been pointing it out to me, that this isn't really healthy or sucks, etc. I don't see why, I'm not really depressed or anything like I was last year, I may be a little bummed but thats about it. Lets see Friday night, I had a good time although my brother screwed it up for me (I told him in good advance that I was going to take the car to a softball game, he took the car and didn't even tell us where he was going), but luckily Brian took me to the softball game. I got to watch Michelle play her last high school game, I am so proud of her, I always have been. Somehow in the big scheme of it all I forgot how much I loved her, shes such a wonderful friend (well that might sound crazy considering our past, but that was just one big confusing mess for me, crap that went on (or so I thought) while I was really depressed). There isn't any doubt in my mind why I began to like her more than a friend (if you met her you'd understand why I could get more than friend feelings for my best friend, me and just about everyone else thinks that she is gay and that she just won't admit it because of her religion, even her best friend said this). But anyways, I gave her a hug and told her how proud I was of her and that I missed playing with her. And I told her I'd be at her graduation, then asked me if my number was still in the phone book, shes sure she has my number somewhere at home. I was like yeah I'm sure you do its just been awhile since you've used it. So I told her that its probably under my mom's name, Vicky Womack, and that if she could remember it ended with 3645 (don't want to put the whole thing, cause all those people that check this, might call me, lol j/k). But yeah then I had to leave. Megan came to the game, did I mention her surgery (actually a procedure), she had it done on thursday (the day before), but I sat with her the whole game, and helped her with what I could. Lol Miranda called me while I was there, then Megan told me how she really felt about Miranda, apparently she never cared for her much, I thought that they both got a long very well. Hmm... I guess everyone keeps there little secrets.

Well saturday, I attempted to sleep in, I guess I got up around 2:30 or so, seems like a long time right? Nope I never sleep really well, besides I might have caught up on a few hours, but there are still millions more to be caught up. Well I had to take Kyle to his stupid friends (so he could get drunk and high at the river), well I then went to levels and got some RC's (of course), Michelle and Miranda (her sister) were working, I stopped and talked to Michelle for a second on my way out. She was telling me about her finger nail (got ripped off when she was sliding into third, trust me it was well worth the pain), and some other stuff, and I told her she better not forget to call me, she said she would. Then I went and rented some movies (which I still haven't watched one, of the three and they're due tomorrow, oh well). Well I started watching one of them and then my phone started to ring (its the ring that I have set for one person, or for people that don't call me that much, it makes it more distinct), so this random number was on it, so I thought oh great its going to be this random person that I don't know. Man was I wrong, it was one of the last people I thought would be calling. It was my best friend Dana, I love her to death, shes going to college out at Tech so I hardly ever see her anymore, she was calling to tell me happy birthday, and then she rambled on about collge and some other stuff, it was really great hearing from her. As soon as I heard her voice I knew it was her, it was crazy.

Then I went home and began to finish getting ready, I started talking to Amanda, trying to figure out what we were going to do. Eventually we did, then I ran to the store to get my mom some stuff (bread, mayonaise, and ice cream - it was on sale). And this time I checked out with Miranda, and I talked to her for a sec, she commented that my hair was getting long, and I told her that Dana was in town. Miranda is pretty cool too. Well then I left to go home, and got a list of stuff to get at Wal-Mart, none of it was really food though, which we don't really have any at home, I can live with out it. I can survive off of sunflower seeds lol, actually that is seriously what I do, it keeps me from gaining weight but keeps me fulfilled at the same time. Anyways, Me, Nikki, and Amanda went to eat at Fuddruckers in Ft. Worth, and then we came back to Granbury and watched Malibu's Most Wanted, it was really stupid, but it was one of those movies where it was so stupid it was funny. Rebecca called me on our way back, if I didn't have company I would have talked to her, she told me she was just thinking of me and told me she missed me, I thought it was a little weird, I guess cause I didn't expect her to say that and I didn't really even expect her to call me.

Anyways, well we got back to Nikki's a little before 12:00, I made it a point to leave before it was technically my birthday. Then I went to Wal-Mart and I ended up getting home at about 1:30, and I went to be at like 2:00. Miranda pissed me off alot today, she called me at 12:00 and I was sleeping so good, I hung up on her, cause normally when she knows she wakes me up she'll leave me alone, she kept rambling on. Then I turned the phone off. I was so pissed I couldn't go back to sleep, so basically I laid there half dozing for the next 2 hours. Then I got up and went into town to buy some sunflower seeds (I ran out), and I checked my voicemail, dad had called, he was making brisket and told me that if we wanted to, to come over and eat about 2:00, I was kind of mad cause well it was an hour 1/2 later. My dad's brisket it really good. Oh well, I didn't call him back, I was actually surprised, he told me happy birthday, I have this thing where I figure everyone will forget my birthday so I leave it up to them and I see if they'll remember. I've had several surprises with that. Well I intended on writing on my blogger all afternoon, but I got distracted with her things on my computer and I never got around to it until now. But well yeah Rebecca remember my birthday, Dana did, Kyle did, dad did, Michelle did. Mom and Bee haven't said anything to me about it, I know my mom remembers, I think she might feel bad cause she knows I've wanted more for my birthday, but so much has been going on she just hasn't been able to do it. And I haven't seen Brian this entire weekend since Friday, so I don't expect much from him. Oh MeMa and GranGran remember, they sent me a card and $10. Well I can't expect anything from PePa anymore, cause obviously hes not part of this earth anymore. But I know hes probably thinking about me though, where ever he is.

Well hmm... today, yes I did have two things I wish would have happened. One, I wish someone would have thrown me a surprise birthday party. Amanda told me that her Ann and Julia were going to do it, but then Miranda said she was going to (she didn't know about them doing it), so they decided to let her do it cause they knew it would make her feel special. And well Miranda only asked Nikki basically, and Nikki's parents didn't want to have another surprise party at their house, don't blame them though. See I don't know what gave them the idea to have it at there house, are they too afraid to ask my parents, Nikki's SP was at her house, Ann's SP was at her house, why couldn't mine be at my house. But anyways, nothing worked out and nothing happened. Yeah I've seriously always wanted one, like really badly, it would give me the reassurance that my friend's were really my friends. Makes sense? But yeah I don't want a SP now cause people know I wanted one so if they did plan one, I don't think it would mean much, it would seem fake I guess, as if they felt sorry for me. Ok and two, I wanted a car. I wanted to wake up, go downstairs and walk outside and there sitting in the driveway would be my new car (not a crappy old mustang that my dad happens to have). But yeah that didn't happen, but I didn't expect it to happen either, financial stuff I guess.

But honestly you know, I'm not really all that upset, yeah I suppose things could have been better. But life can't be all how you want it to be, I've definitely learned that. But talking to Dana was really great. And the one thing that really sticks out in my mind, is Michelle, I don't get to see her that often, and things are alot different with us now. But really I just thought the past was just the past and we have put it behind us, which we have. But something felt really different the other night, I guess she surprised me a bit. She said she'd call me, shes going to send me a graduation invitation (me directly), or she'd give me one when we hung out. I didn't expect that. Well she was putting up some of the equipment so she was busy, I told her that I wanted to get a hug before she left, she said ok I'll be right back. And it was weird cause I didn't feel weird saying that. I didn't feel weird saying I was proud of her, I didn't feel weird telling her I missed playing softball with her, I didn't feel weird telling her that I missed seeing her in general. But most of all it didn't feel weird hugging her, and she didn't think it was weird either. Things used to be awkward between us. I know partly why I didn't feel weird, is because I accept myself now, I'm comfortable with me. Is she comfortable with me now, is she comforable with herself now? Ok and I have to explain this real quick, I know one thing that none of her friends know (maybe one, and thats Shanna, her's and her sister's best friend), and that is that Michelle questioned her sexuality in 8th grade. And honestly I think shes questioned it since, but shes too scared to follow any of it, cause her dad used to be a preacher, and that shes afraid that everyone at church will disown her. Oh and another thing that has helped influence my thoughts of her being gay, and yes I do know that these things may not really mean anything as the way I perceive them to be. And Megan agrees with me on this, Michelle in softball slaps all the girls on the butt (and no one else does this), she calls all of them babe, shes very touchy, and well she has this "manly" personality (trust me, if you met her you'd know what I'm talking about). Anyways... But I don't know, just the way she talked to me the other night, it seemed more that she accepted me for me and that she kind of liked it too. It would be so bad ass if Michelle was gay, that would be like a dream come true for me. And well it would just be cool too.

Anyways, I'm a year older, whoopdidoo. Its just another day in the life of me. Nothings all that different. Oh Miranda got me an Easter card, birthday card, and she got me this cookie/cake thing from wal-mart that said "Happy Birthday Erin," I was surprised its actually really good. But well I don't have anything else to say right now, maybe tomorrow. Yay get to stay at dad's the next few days. Laters.

I swear I love those little quiz things like these: Well yeah I'm pretty tired so I only felt like putting these things on here. Laters


Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.


What color do you see the world in?
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OMG, do you know how freaking hilarious this is. What kind of dysfunctional care bear would you be, and unitentionally which one is me, the Gay Bear, lol I found this to be quite humorous!!


Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're nothing, really. But you're nice.


What type of music are you?
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I am definitely obsessive compulsive!!


obsessive compulsive


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla


Cute Flirt


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and
are not overly happy nor depressed. You are
emotionally balanced and should find peace in
the way you deal with life situations. Your
emotions are normal and well understood. You
see the light in the dark.


How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You come from an Ancient Civilization. Egypt,
China, Rome... a piece of all the greatest
civilizations of their time can be found in
you.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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you're indie!


How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla


What Is Your Animal Personality?
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Geek


What's Your Personality Type?
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Lol could descriptive mean the same thing as detailed??


You are a descriptive writer. An avid reader of
Robert Frost, perhaps, you LOVE to use flowery
words and use the paper and pen as your canvas
and paintbrush. You prefer to paint a mental
image rather than simply toy around with
people's minds. A very inspired person, you
love to be in nature and usually are a very
outdoorsy type of person. A writer with a
natural green thumb, perhaps?


What's YOUR Writing Style?
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Well I've been doing this for awhile apparently, and my computer is starting to screw up, and my eyes are starting to hurt and I'd really like to go to bed. But I don't really have much to say at this moment in time. Maybe I'll think of some stuff later. But well I guess I'm going to go, Laters.

~~This is how Erin feels right now~~

I would have much preferred Rebecca not called me, but she did, I would have rather had her finish reading my blogger, but she didn't have the chance, so its all good I suppose. I did not want to listen to the things she said, I knew what she was going to say, or atleast I was pretty damn close. Donovan sounds like a good guy, and if she wants to be with him then I have no problem with that, I'm sure he can make her much happier than I could. Sure yeah I am upset right now just because I'm disappointed, I've lost someone great. Its not having a relationship with her, its just that its different now. I suppose shes the one that got away. I am upset, but I'll get over it, I just need more than a day, and I need not to think about it, I'll be fine in a day or so. Sometimes I may feel as if the world is crashing down around me, but then I come to my senses and except the fact that things don't always work out the way you want them, and that something good will eventually happen.

She didn't hurt me you know, I'm just scared of losing her. She said it herself earlier, that if I didn't say anything, if we didn't resolve anything, then most likely the friendship would end and we probably wouldn't talk to each other anymore. When she said that part of me said thats fine, it would probably be better that way, one less person to worry about. But then the other part of me said, come on atleast say something to let her know that you care. But what could I say to her. I can't be mad at her, what right do I have to be mad at the way she feels. She can't control how she feels about someone. I respect her for how she feels, and nothing will change that, I am not mad at her for wanting Donovan. Like they say Carpe Diem (sp?), seize the day, you may never get this chance again, have no regrets. She said that she would like to date me again, you don't know this is forever. But you have to understand my logic, it is forever Rebecca. And yes I know that I don't know if it is forever, but I honestly don't ever see us being together again. So I do not plan on waiting on her again, I will not keep hope in something that may never happen. You see I've realized finally, I've just been blind too realize it before, I think its either fate or destiny (they're the same to me) doesn't want us together, we're not meant to be, not meant to last, we're only meant to have our moment, and we've had it. I have to be happy with what I have.

I honestly do have this self-destructive mode about me. I'm just so pessimistic sometimes, but I can't help it. And I hope she can forgive me for it. I don't mean to make her feel bad, guilty, angry with me, or anything like that. I do not mean to be so negative. Do you remember Erika, the girl from Austin? I pushed her away by being pessimistic, plus there was the whole distance thing. If I'm pushing her away, I would want her to push back at me, but if its too much for her then she doesn't have to. Cause I really don't want to lose her as a friend. But I know that how I'm acting really doesn't necessarily make her want to stay. Yeah she means alot to me, I'm just not so sure how I feel about us right now, as friends. I mean things changed when we kissed, we're just on a completely different level right now. And yeah what I said in my earlier blogger entries (my ramblings), I still feel like that, but I'm simpifying things right now.

Rebecca really didn't need to say what she did earlier, I knew she was going to tell me about Donovan and I didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah it made me cry just cause I wanted to believe she felt the same about me as she does with him, but I know she doesn't. I could just tell how much of a difference there was, and yeah don't forget this ok, the distance thing is still a factor in this all. And yeah I stopped her from giving me the whole speech about there are other people out there, blah, blah, blah. I didn't want to hear it cause I already know that, and I'm not doing the whole I'm never giving you up type of thing (the obsessive thing, the annoying puppy, the if I can't have you I'll never have anyone thing). I want to keep talking to her like I used to, but its different now, although I wish it could stay the same, it just can't be like that. I'm just not quite sure what to do right now.

Hmm... what shall I do this weekend. Yay another birthday alone, no friends around, makes me feel really special. I'll be 17 on Sunday, I'm sure it will be quite a thrill. Well I really should get going, cause I need to pack to go to dad's... again. But before I go, I've been meaning to post it since last Thursday, but everything has been so chaotic, and theres part of me that thinks I shouldn't post this, but I think this person deserves to know these things.

Just a few things about Rebecca:

* I love it how when she writes she puts her actions in aterisks (sp? *`*).
* I love it how she calls me babe and sweetheart.
* I love how intellectual she is and how I can have an actual conversation with her.
* I'm not worried about the physical stuff (but that doesn't matter anymore).
* I love it how she says shes not nervous, but secretly I think that she is but would never fully admit it.
* I love her really soft lips (kind of remind me of Angelina Jolie, but not as excessive, Rebecca's are perfect).
* She has very nice legs (from soccer of course)
* She has a very, very nice stomach and a very cute belly button (outie)
* I love how soft her entire body is.
* She has very beautiful hair, a beautiul face, beautiful eyes, and a beautiful mind.
* I love it how she would rather watch the stars than to watch a movie (unless the movie is "thought provoking").
* I love it how she looks very cute and goofy with a hat on.
* I love her innocence, and I mean truely innocent, pure.
* I think its cute how she always has to win (but would let me sometimes).
* I think its funny when her phone rings, se always says "my ass is vibrating."
* I love the outline of her face when the moon shines on it.
* I love it and think its very cute when she talks in a British accent sometimes.

Well some of those things may not be appropriate anymore, but I still thought she'd like to know. Well I'm gonna jet, laters.

Quotes:

"Many do with opportunities as children do at the seashore; they fill their little hands with sand, and then let the grains fall through, one by one, till all are gone."--Thomas Jones

"Opportunity always looks bigger going than coming."--Anonymous

"The sad truth is that opportunity doesn't knock twice. You can put things off until tomorrow but tomorrow may never come."--Gloria Estefan

"You cannot afford to wait for perfect conditions. Goal setting is often a matter of balancing timing against available resources. Opportunities are easily lost while waiting for perfect conditions."--Gary Ryan Blair

"Unlimited opportunities can be as potent a cause of frustration as a paucity or lack of opportunities."--Eric Hoffer

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."--Alexander Graham Bell

"Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."--Bil Keane

~~"I feel so mad, I feel so angry"~~ I wish I could remember what song that is from!!

VANESSA CARLTON:
"Unsung"

If only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door

[chorus]
I am cryin'
you aren't tryin'
I am melting away

I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)

things are goin' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame
everything is changing and I do not feel the same
I'm slippin' through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
I'm tryin' to find a place where I can feel like I belong

[chorus]

If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only
I could be the last one that love burns, it burns... yeah
if only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door

Well, I am cryin'
you aren't tryin'
and I am melting away

[chorus]

FOO FIGHTERS:
"Times Like These"

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again


**Ms. Rebecca**

I understand where you're coming from, been there, done that only it didn't work out. You know the reason why I ended up with Miranda, is cause I gave up on everyone, but then again I guess everyone gave up on me as well. I felt so mean saying she was a last resort, but I wanted her maybe not as much as I wanted other people but I still wanted her, but now I can see how she feels, cause I am a last resort. Finally I thought, finally the timing is right. I guess I was wrong. I've realized you can't ever have all the things that you want. Sometimes if you decide to take one opportunity, and in the end you don't like it, but then you think of that old opportunity and you want it. But then you might find out its not there anymore. I'm just saying, there are no promises of waiting, but hell what am I saying I'm Erin, Erin always waits. But you have to understand I waited for a long time to have an opportunity with Rebecca, I suppose I've had that chance, and took it, I just wanted more than that. But I understand how she feels on not feeling she can be true to me and still feel the way she does. You know what I say, go for it, go for the opportunity, you may never get it again.

Well hey I'm writing this at school and the bell is about to ring, so I will finish this at home, so expect more about all this, well laters.

Ok she says I was never a last resort. I still feel that way. Come on lets think about this, "I asked you out because I had given up on everyone else. Apparently they hadn't given up on me." I'm sorry but to me thats saying that I was a last resort, she might have thought that the other people had given up so she gave up on them, but I was the one person that still wanted her. But dammit I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't. I want to say I'll be there in the end if she still wants me, but then again I just want to say to hell with it all. I mean damn this is the second time I've been rejected by her. She says she had to do this because she has feelings for too many people, well FYI shes always going to have feelings for too many people. Shes too indecisive, she can't ever make up her mind on who she wants or what she wants. And lets face it: "Its not fair for me to go to school and feel this passionate about Donovan and then to come home and talk to you and feel this passionate about you," the distance things is STILL a BIG DEAL to her!! You know I've been thinking and wondering, if I wouldn't have given Rebecca a chance and waited a little bit longer, would Jeannie have made up her mind, would there have been a chance with her. But I took the risk, I thought it would all be worth it, but here I am sad and alone (I'm really just disappointed). Sometimes I feel that Rebecca has a secret side of her, this evil side. Things can seem great one moment and the next its a disaster area. Ahh... what you need is time. You know what I think... fuck time, all asking time has done for me is screwed me over, so I guess I honestly don't have any hopes of something postive coming out of this in the end, I really don't. Lol the title of one of my previous blogger entries said that I trust people too damn easily, and once again its been proven to be true. And I think the hardest thing about this, is that I was so exited and had told a few people about us, and now when they ask how its going, I have to tell them, and I just feel so stupid.

Oh I just remembered something and thought of it too, you know how I was saying I don't know how I would feel about Rebecca going on dates with Donovan and me at the same time. I think the thought of her being with him (and how it would make me uncomfortable and all that, feels like cheating but its not or that I would be helping her to cheat), it makes me wonder how she would feel about me going on dates with Miranda or Jeannie. Neither of those would happen, but still do ya catch my drift? I mean would she feel that same sense of unfaithfulness or betraya or being uncomfortable with the mere idea of it. Fuck I don't know how to explain it. I don't really know how to explain anything. I do know that I don't want to be one of those people that she writes about of how shes concerned about them, cause they just can't get over her, blah, blah, blah.

You know I'm pretty good at the supportive thing, or encouraging ex's to go for things with other people. And I honestly think its this depressive, self-destructive thing that I do, cause I just want them to forget all about me, and leave me to be me. And maybe to make it easier for me to move on. Its like torture knowing you may want something so bad but you'll never be able to fully have it. And honestly I'd very, very much like to do that right now, but shes really important to me. But I also would like her to understand why I do these things, and I want her to respect them, and to still give me the space. Cause yeah I am hurt alright, I'll admit that. I have this sense of feeling betrayed almost. Oh I also do this thing, not necessarily intentionally but I've realized that I always do it, that say things to make the other person feel bad about what they did. I did that to Miranda alot, I tried to make her realize her mistakes and to learn from them (but she never learned). But yeah Rebecca shouldn't feel bad though, she feels the way she feels and I have to respect that. She has to do what she has to do. However, like I said about the opportunity thing, I thought of a better way to phrase it (lol and its very common), when one door closes, another will open, and sometimes if your lucky that closed door will open again. I think I'm the one that is closing, but I can't guarantee that I'll open again. Make sense?

There are no promises!!

And yeah she found this song that I was trying to think of earlier, although I would rather her not to have written anything until I was done writing, but she did and I can't do anything about that. But well heres the song.


Boxcar Racer
"I Feel So"

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
Wish I could feel no pain
Wish I was young
Wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

[Chorus]
'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so calloused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so calloused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Let's start over

**Falling Down**

Lately its seemed that everything in my life has gone wrong. And one of the few things that was keeping me up is now one of the things that is making me down (Rebecca that is). Lets see recent things that have made me depressed: Pepa dying, fighting with Kyle, Dad losing his job (but he got a new one though, so thats good), Rebecca asking me not to write about her on my blogger (or not details), Rebecca telling me " can we go back to dating, just stop being "together" so i can get this sorted out?"

I'm not really sure what to write about, Pepa's funeral went well.

~~Rebecca~~
I'm in such a negative mood, from everything not just her. I could say so many things to her right now, but she would probably hate me later on, or think that I'm a psycho. I'm just so mad right now, and upset. But really I think I'm just mad at myself, I knew something like this would happen. Give it a shot and it not work out, I guess I kind of expected it. And right now I feel that I did something wrong or I didn't do something that I should have that made her not like me. But also I feel kind of as if she didn't really have feelings for me and that she just wanted play like last year, but she just let it happen twice rather than never. Yeah I do feel rejected, and how can we go back to dating, when we only went on one date before we were consider "together." And I'm not so sure how I would feel about that anyways. The way I see it, the person either wants me or they don't. And theres not since in making up little "white lies" to try and protect my feelings. Geez, I seriously can't believe that this happened to me. Was I just being used? Was any of it for real? Did I get played? If she really does need to sort things out, and she decides she wants me, will I want her then? Can I even bare to talk to her knowing she wants someone else, or knowing that if we keep "dating" how would I feel about her going on dates with someone else at the same time? I just can't handle this right now, I just can't, I thought everything was going to be great, but I failed after only a week and a half. If she doubts wanting to be with me, then theres something wrong with me, I mean theres something else about Donovan that I don't have that she wants. I'd do anything to get her to only want me, but thats not possible. I don't know this whole thing makes me doubt what I want too. If this hurts like this after only this much time, how would I feel like if we stayed together and broke up. But really if we were together I wouldn't ever think of us breaking up (with Miranda I knew we'd break up eventually). I don't know how I feel about still going on dates, its just weird. I don't think it would have been weird if she stuck with her plan in the first place, go on a few dates and see how they went and then decide if she wants to be with me. I think that she was going to stick with that plan, but then what happened on our date made her want something more (or something like that, but I can't explain it). But then this weekend I think I reminded her of Megan and that really bothered her. But I don't know. Dammit, I'm just so confused right now. I don't really want to talk to her, but then again I do, I just really don't know what to think right now.

Well thats all for now I guess, Laters.


ALICIA KEYS:
"Why Do I Feel So Sad?"

Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye

[Chorus]
By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be

Cuz I wish that I could stay
But in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

By now by now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why

By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

[Ad-lib to end]

!!Well I've been trying all morning to post the rest of what I typed last night, and it just now let me so don't forget to read the rest ok!!

"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth--to see it like it is, and tell it like it is--to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth."--Richard Nixon

"Truth will always be truth, regardless of lack of understanding, disbelief or ignorance."--W. Clement Stone

"Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness."--Kathleen Pedersen

"I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."--Isak Dinesen

"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary."--Sir Cecil Beaton

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"Do not be too timid and squeamish... All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience."--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience."--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits on a hot stove-lid; he will never sit on a hot stove-lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit on a cold one anymore."--Mark Twain


~~I figure I better write now, or I won't be able to later, plus I'd probably forget stuff~~

Well the last week or so, I've been extremely exhausted mentally and physically. I feel as though I've been disconnected from the world. And yeah I honestly can say that I feel some of the days this week have been hell, especially Thursday, that day I felt like I did last year, I got really depressed and cried for like 30 minutes or more and I honestly had some of my old thoughts (about killing myself, but I didn't mean them, after I calmed down I was fine). So why has this week been different, well I tell you, and hope you have some time to spare cause this might take awhile, as it generally always does.

Ok well here it goes.

**This is mostly about Kyle, but I'm just going to tell what went on throughout each day**

*Pepa*
Well Thursday morning my Pepa basically had a stroke, which is very common with people who have brain cancer. I didn't know anything till during school (I was staying at my dad's). That morning he was able to talk to June a little bit (June is my step-grandma), and then he was unconscious. So she called for an ambulance and they took him to the hospital and ran some tests on him. They discovered that he was bleeding in his brain (a stroke, but I don't think that is actually what a stroke is, is it?), I'd more so call it a lesion than a stroke. But anyways, well he remained unconscious the whole time, although the doctor's said that they thought that if you talked to him that he could hear you. But really I think that is a bunch of bullshit, cause if someone is unconscious they generally can't hear you or understand you. I think they just tell people that so maybe they'd have some comfort (like if they left something unsaid, they could still say it in hopes of the person knowing something). But well yeah I talked to Bee at lunch cause I couldn't get a hold of mom. I needed someone to get my check at work and take some papers for me (couldn't do it myself since I was at dad's). And he told me her and Brian left to go to Texoma, and I asked him if it was an emergency and he told me what had happened.

*Kyle*
Later that night Bee went up there himself. Well after school I discussed it with dad, and I was planning on going back to GR early so I could run my errands, etc. Well Kyle called me and told me he was going up there on Friday after work. I told him I needed the car cause I had stuff to do and that I couldn't go till Saturday cause I had to take my ACT. Well he got pissed of course and said that it was my decision on what he did, etc. He was going to do what he wanted, which meant he was going to take the car (even though I needed it for educational purposes, go to school, etc. and all of which I had discussed with my mom about doing earlier in the week). And then he hung up on me, which infuriated me. So then my dad called him, and he ended up getting pissed and hung up on Kyle. Then dad called Brian and then Brian called Kyle, and Kyle hung up on him. Brian called me and told me to go and do what I needed to do, not to let him have the keys and if he causes problems then just leave. All of this was weird cause when I talked to dad and Brian, both of them actually agreed with everything I've ever thought and said about Kyle, and never have they ever said anything that supported my thoughts on him. It was just so weird, having a common ground with them.

Anyways, well dad took me home, and he said that if Kyle started anything just to walk away, and well I knew better, if something started then I couldn't walk away, I'm just not that type of person. I think I've only walked out of one fight with Kyle and thats just cause it was so ridiculous. Well dad and Kyle talked when we got there, I just came up stairs and started going about my business. Then Kyle came of here and started bitching at me. That I need to tell him what I'm planning, not to just tell mom, etc. Well you know it should matter if I told him, I told mom. He would know what my plans are if he talked to mom about stuff. He never tells us what hes planning on doing, simply cause he never knows that. And he would know what I was planning if he asked me, I shouldn't have to tell him, it is none of his concern. And also it doesn't concern him because my plans involved the car, and guess what, big surprise here, the car ISN'T his!! That make sense?

Well we fought for quite awhile. I basically told him how I felt about all his bullshit. I told him that he doesn't need the car cause all he does is "kick back, drink a few beers, and smoke a few J's" (his words not mine). And he got all pissed cause I didn't approve, and no one else in this house approves either. And he makes a big deal about it, and I can respect him for his thoughts, but actions thats a different story. Sure I may be one for trying things once, but he does things consecutively. You see the reason I make such a big deal about the car is that Kyle is 21 years old, he still lives at home, has no car (cause he wrecked it while he was really hung over), he doesn't go to college (wouldn't mind that really, if he was doing something with himself), he finally got a job, and all he does when he takes the car is go kick back with his buddies. It pisses me off so much, cause he is so smart and always has been, and hes just wasting his life away. He could go so far, but all of it just wasted. He is so stubborn. Yeah he got mad cause I didn't support him, his ideas just aren't logical, I honestly don't see whats in his future, he wants to be a Nascar driver (or something related to it) and he has his koozie-cup idea (which is patented), which is a good idea but he won't do anything with it, hes so afraid of someone ripping him off but really he just doesn't want to listen to anyone (here we are supporting him to do something but he wont do it, see why we don't support him that often, and this idea is actually somewhat logical), he has to do it his own way (which is generally the hard way). But yeah most of the things he wants to do just aren't logical and generally they would never prosper in the future.

We talked about this too: My theory is that hes angry at the world. He hates mom pretty much. She treated dad like shit, etc. etc. He won't let things go. Yeah we talked about having pride. I told him he has to much pride to do something with himself, that hes to stubborn and won't listen to anyone's ideas even if they are good ones, he has to do things his own way. Well he said our whole damn family has too much pride. I was like yeah thats true, just like dad (Kyle always defends him, always) had too much pride to tell me that is business failed, etc. He was like mom has too much pride too, she has too much pride to tell you anything. I said I probably knew more than he thought I did. Then he went off on mom, telling me that she fucked dad over, she completely fucked up his life, that she committed adultery, divorced him, then filed bankruptcy on him. Oh he was sure passionate about telling me that. Why is it that people in my family, if they hate someone, they want me to hate that person too (mom did it with John, my ex-step-dad, and Kyle is doing it with mom), interesting.

He feels everyone in this family has fucked him over, that no one has supported him with anything, which hes wrong cause we would support him but hes just not doing anything for us to support him in. I have to say he holds a grudge against mom, but if she did what he says she did, then so what get over it. Even if she didn't do it, shit would have hit the fan eventually. Yeah our family is definitely fucked up, but get over it. Holding grudges does nothing for you. Anyways, he kept throwing the whole "if I knew" thing in my face, but thats not my fault ok. I told him that mom has been gracious enough to allow me to take the car when I needed it. And that if I had a car then it would make it a hell of alot easier to get a job to pay for the car. I told him besides if you wouldn't have wrecked your truck then you would have your own car, so don't sit here and complain to me (I think I said that part atleast).

You see the point is, if he didn't fuck up his truck then I wouldn't have to share the car with him, thus making it easier for me to get a job cause then I wouldn't only have to work out a schedule with one other person. And you know what mom and I did very well with that this summer, it worked out perfect. Kyle just wants the car to go get fucked up or hand with his buddies. I told him hes lucky hes even getting to drive the car, especially since hes the one that put it in a ditch, not me. And I told him that mom really didn't need another wreck on her insurance cause it would screw it over (she told me that herself), Kyle disagreed and said that it wouldn't screw it up, what screws it up is that she has a 21 year old and a 16 year old on her policy, and that if I don't know what I'm talking about then I should shut the fuck up. Which actually I did know what I was talking about, and yeah he may be partly right but he shouldn't be on the policy, he wasn't until he moved back in after failing to live on his own in North Carolina. And I'm sorry that if I have an opinion on him driving the car and my opinions on his lifestyles offends him, but fuck him ok, its not worth it. He says we've put him through hell, bullshit hes the one making it that way but its the opposite, hes put us through hell and back too. Hes the one that put the car in the ditch (which I'm sure he was fucked up while doing so, mom and Bee agrees with me) which cost over $11,000 worth of damaged, and left mom without a car for 2 1/2 months (thats when we 3 started sharing a car, the rental car).

Oh we also fought about how things are going to be in the future. He said that things are going to change and that if I don't think that then I am sadly mistaken. He started off saying one day when I have millions in the bank. And right then I stopped him and didn't let him finish. I was like yeah thats right you just want to be able to say I told you so. He disagreed. And I just told him, yeah Kyle you hate us all and you just want to prove us wrong, thats exactly the type of person you are. This really pissed him off. I told him, Kyle I'm not talking about how its going to be in the future, I'm talking about right now, in the present. I'm telling you my opinions about right now. Well yeah I really pissed him off. Well he later made a big deal again about the car. Saying that all day he had made plans in his head about what he was going to do, we would leave after I got home from school so he could still go to work. He was mad cause he didn't know that I had plans and that it pissed him off cause he had everything set in his mind (he could have the car and the house to himself, which is what I thought and dad extremely confirmed it that was what he thought as well).

*After the drama*
Well finally we stopped, with me saying, I swear you're so ridiculous. Like I said earlier all of this made me really upset and I got really depressed and I honestly felt like killing myself. But then I calmed down, watched some tv, and talked to Rebecca. Anyways, well then Friday comes. Well you have no idea how much Kyle kept going on about his plans the night before, and guess what, he went out on Thursday night, and didn't go to work the next day. When I was about to wake him up he came and told me that he called in to work and they already had someone covering for him. This really pissed me off, especially since he made such a bid deal. Well the day went on, I didn't want to stay at school simply cause I didn't want to (I had errands to run, well just one really, I had to go to the bank). So after I took my vocabulary test in BCIS, I went and took my chemistry test, then went back to class. I stayed and ate lunch, then I left afterwards. Well I went and cashed all of my change ($12.50 in pennies, $12 in nickels, and $20 in dimes). That didn't take near as much time as I thought it would.

So I went and visited Megan, she told me a few weeks ago, that she'd been getting really sick and almost or had passed out at softball or other places. And that in a few days she was going to have all of her tests done (I hadn't talked to her since that day until yesterday) in a few days. Well yesterday she told me that basically within the last month shes been to school a whole day only 3 times. And that basically shes supposed to be bed-ridden and not to do anything, which meant she had to quit softball (lol don't think she minded that completely). She told me shes going to have surgery this Thursday (17th). She found out that her heart beats about 3 or 4 times fasters than mine does (an average person), so they are going to go in and burn something that will slow it down (I can't remember the name of the things, but there are two of them that regulate the speed of her heartbeat, one is alot faster than the other so they are going to burn that one). So well yeah I feel sorry for her cause it would really suck to be in her position. It kind of made me think of Bree, she had her knee surgery this last Thursday. But other than that, Megan has been very bored being at home all the time. Well she had taken her medication before I got there, so after awhile she was about to fall asleep so I left (this is always funny to me, cause just about every time I've gone over there I've always left after she had fallen asleep). After I left there, I went up to the high school, no one really talked to me, but it was still good to be in the atmosphere. The girls told me that they had a game at 4:30 and I told them I'd try to go, which I didn't go, there last game is next Friday so hopefully I can go to it, that is if Rebecca wants to go (if we get to do something that night, that is).

Anyways then I went home, and cleaned the car, took a shower, got dressed, then left to go get Rebecca. Well around 4:00 when I was about to take a shower, Brian called me. He told me that Pepa had died around 10:15 that morning. And at the time he didn't know what was going on cause he was out in the truck eating breakfast, and he told me he was on his way home, and mom and Bee would probably leave in another hour or so. I asked him if Pepa ever woke up, and he said he hadn't. He told me that Mom stayed up there the latest, and her and Bee got up there as soon as the could that morning. Then after a little bit, the call was lost. Then almost moments later the phone rang, and it said unavailable and I assumed it was Brian, but it was mom. I told her Brian had just called me and told me everything, and so she said ok and that they were about to leave. I told her I was still planning on going out, and I asked her if it was still ok if I did so, and she said it was ok.

*School*
Well this morning I had to get up and go take my ACT. I left early so I could go to McDonald’s, for some reason it hasn’t been as good the last few times I’ve been there, oh well I still like it. When I got there, two girls from GR were there, one being Brittany Stephenson which is a good friend of mine which we’ve had many interesting experiences together (shes one of the people that I went with to Japan). The other girl was Heather Teague, I’ve grown up with her, we’ve always been friends but not really close ones. Then Kim was there and I told her I was sorry I couldn’t do anything cause I was on a date, but I told her maybe this weekend, but I’m not for sure since my birthday is on Sunday. Anyways, the test was harder than I expected but its all good I suppose. I didn’t finish: English: 7, Math: 16, Reading: 10, Science: 7 questions. On the reading and science the ones I didn’t finish I bubbled in most common answer, I want to do that on the other tests, but it would have been cheating, cause I didn’t think to do it after I was done with them. Oh well, I plan on taking the ACT and SAT more than once, and now I know that I need to study my math, cause I’ve had really crappy math teachers for algebra (fr. and soph. year) so I need to do something to get better at it, plus I’m just not all that good at math.

But well after the test headed for GR, went and rented some movies which all ended up being fairly stupid), and got subway for lunch then I came home. After my movie I went to sleep, I talked to Rebecca briefly, she wasn’t sure if she’d talk to me cause she had a YOU leadership meeting. Well around 7:30 or so Amanda called and I talked to her for a sec, she asked me if Miranda has a new girlfriend, cause they were all going to the drive-in (some girl, Miranda, Amanda, and Nikki), I told her I didn’t know, but if she did, it wasn’t meaningful (or pointless) to her. And it wouldn’t surprise me if she was just doing it for the hell of it. But yeah I don’t know about it, but it wouldn’t surprise me, but then again I don’t know of anyone that would (or wants to) date Miranda. Who knows.

Well Rebecca called after a little bit, her, Vanessa and Shands went to a museum. When she called me on their way up there she said she was with Vanessa I didn’t know who she was talking about at first, then after we hung up I realized it was her friend that came up from Austin. She called me later while they were there, and I talked to both Vanessa and Shands, it was interesting, I’ve never met them (I’d like to) but I know they both have nice voices. Lol I don’t know much, except that they’re friends with my girlfriend. But well when Rebecca and I hung up. I got this weird feeling, like I was upset or mad, like I was jealous. I wasn’t jealous I don’t think, I guess knowing she was having fun with her friends made me really want to be there with her, to enjoy the same things she was. If I was jealous its cause they got to with her and I didn’t. But it just made me realize how much I missed her. Shes so wonderful.

*Tomorrow*
Well tomorrow I am leaving around 1:00 with my mom and Bee to go to Texoma, we’re staying the night up there. Mom wants to go cause family is going up there, and everyone wants the chance to talk, ya know. But I’m going then so I don’t have to get up at 5:30 the next morning. Although I’d like to stay so I’d have the internet. The funeral service is at 11:00 on Monday, and then we’re coming back to Granbury for the graveside service at 2:30 (hes being buried by Gramma). Then after thats over I’ll be home. If Rebecca wants to call me Sunday night, it will be more than fine, I’d call her but I don’t know when she’ll be home or not be busy.

But well I’ve been typing for awhile if you couldn’t tell, and well its after 5:35 in the morning so I’m going to go, talk to you laters.


MELANIE C:
"Never Be The Same Again"

Come on. Ooh, yeah.
Never be the same again.

I call you up whenever things go wrong.
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.
I can't believe it took me quite so long.
To take the forbidden step.
Is this something that I might regret?

(Come on, come on)
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
(You are the one)
A lonely heart that can't be tamed.
(Come on, come on)
I'm hoping that you feel the same.
This is something that I can't forget.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Now I know that we were close before.
I'm glad I realized I need you so much more.
And I don't care what everyone will say.
It's about you and me.
And we'll never be the same again.

I thought that we would just be friends (oh yeah).
Things will never be the same again. (Never be the same again)
It's just the beginning it's not the end. (We've only just begun)
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door. (Opened up the door)
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes feature:

“Ok check it,
Night and day.
Black beach sand to red clay.
The US to UK, NYC to LA.
From sidewalks to highways.
See it'll never be the same again.
What I'm sayin'
My mind frame never changed 'til you came rearranged.

But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden.
Where there's no competition.
And you render my condition.
Though improbable it's not impossible.
For a love that could be unstoppable.

But wait.
A fine line's between fate and destiny.
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly.

And as our energies mix and begin to multiply.
Everyday situations, they start to simplify.
So things will never be the same between you and I.
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified.”

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.

(Come on, come on)
Things will never be the same again.
(You are the one)
Never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

**Isn't It Weird**

You know I've been thinking. Life can be very strange sometimes, its just really odd how some things end up working out. Like right now, being at my dads is just so weird. I've never lived with him my entire life. And here I am now, even though its only a few days (same thing I did last week), its just different I suppose. Just a new atmosphere that I have to get used to. Yeah its also been really weird having my dad take me to school. Having him involved in my life, even though its a small amount, is just amazing. I've always depended on my mom for everything, and I still do, its just that my dad has had a bigger part in my life this year. Yeah its a good thing, just weird. Although the only part I really like about staying here, is the fact that they have cable (lol thats pretty shallow) and the fact that I get to spend time with my step-sister Janelle. And well yeah it is nice spending time with dad and Jan, my dad isn't near as annoying outside of the car, lol.

Janelle is a pretty cool girl, shes grown up alot since I first met her. I used to not like her all that much cause she was so hyper. But I'm the only one that really listens to her talk, shes actually a very intelligent person. I think she likes having me around as well, I mean who wouldn't want me around, lol j/k. But seriously shes never had a sister, much less one thats older than her. JR's (my step-brother) girlfriends don't count. I think she respects me alot and I would think it would be so entirely cool if she looked up to me. Who would ever think of it, me a role model? Interesting. But that would be so bad ass. I guess cause I never really had much of role models (my brothers), although I used to look up to my brother Brian but he changed alot since he graduated (98').

Well things have been really strange for me lately. Theres one thing about me that I've always realized, and it still amazes me every time it comes up. I can not stay mad at people, I just don't have it within me to hold things against people. Yeah I'm talking about Miranda again, I would like to be mad at her but I just can't. I feel so bad sometimes about breaking up with her, but I'm glad I did, since she was lying to me and all. I feel bad for her, shes been having alot of problems with her family lately. The whole thing, where when you live under my roof you'll go by my rules type of things. Which means she can't be herself, and basically her mom has been very controlling over her, and it drives Miranda up the wall. But also I feel guilty, cause I wan't Miranda to be happy, but I can only give it to her as a friend. I feel guilty cause she still does these little things, like shes trying to win me back. Like buy me Chicken Express for lunch, buy me 4 RCs (bottles) and sunflower seeds while I'm staying at my dads, and buy me a 6-pack of RCs (cans) while I stay at my dads, and give me money for lunch when I have none but like 50 cents. I can't decide sometimes if shes just being a good friend or if shes still trying to be more than that. I try to pay her back for the things that she gets me, but she'll never take it, and I feel bad, as if I'm using her just to get stuff. Does that make sense? One thing she asked me that night I climbed on her balcony, was if I'd still be there for her if she hit a couple of bumps along the way. And well I think I've been doing pretty good with that, I've been there every time shes needed to vent, and I've been there to remind her of the mistakes shes made (kind of mean sometimes, but its necessary at the same time) and I encourage her to try her best to stay positive. But yeah I guess I really do know how Rebecca feels sometimes. But you can't be everything for everyone, you can only do your best.

Random thought: I think Jeannie is mad at me. I think Ann is mad at me for not being mad at Miranda.

Well this entry is just about how things have seemed a little weird lately, but not in a bad way. So I guess none of this is really romantic or anything, not tonight atleast :)
Awwww.... and to the best part. Rebecca. Yes, being with Rebecca is absolutely wonderful. Its just a little weird for me I guess, cause this is an actual relationship. But its different cause I don't get to see her every day and I don't get to do all of the wonderful things that I wish I could do every day. But hey better seeing her every weekend rather than once every few months. Yeah this week and last week shes the thing that has gotten me through the week, she has been the thing I looked forward to. The week before I was looking forward to Ann's birthday party and the project graduation 5K. But looking forward to being able to seeing her beautiful face has kept me going. Lol I still can't believe we're dating. And thats a great thing. It just kind of came as a shock, seriously, I didn't expect her to ask me out, or well atleast not this soon, ya know. But yeah I'm estatic about being with her, shes such a wonderful person. And I can't wait until Friday to see her, WHOO-HOO!!!!!!!

Well thats all I have to say for right now, cause I REALLY need to go to bed and GET some sleep. Its like 12:00. But well before I go, heres another song, and but of course its from my favorite band!! This is just a bad ass song, cause well we all do feel a little bit weird sometimes.

HANSON:
"Weird"

Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone

Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear, though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd

Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin.

So you don't stand out. And you don't fit in. Weird.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world if you're different you can't win.

So you don't stand out and you don't fit in. Weird.
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit...
Strange, 'cause we're all just a little bit weird sometimes.

"Percussionists tend to be good with their hands, and brass players tend to be good with there mouth."

~~Its Been Awhile~~

Wow its been a few days since I've written anything, I've been pretty busy, or atleast for my standards it is. But well I'm going to try and write about everything thats happened recently, but if I can't remember it all, oh well. Lol and oh BTW I've already written the first few paragraphs and then my computer screwed up, so I don't completely remember what I said, but I'm sure it sounded better the first time.

Miranda
I swear she has been driving me crazy lately. Well this entire week I've been a bitch to her, but not as bad as I could be (and she deserves it too). Its like shes this little puppy, that never leaves you alone and follows you everywhere. You see I'm a nice person so I still let her talk to me in the hallways in between classes, although I really would prefer not to see her at all, and I feel I have the right to be that way. But seriously she follows me everywhere, and sometimes I feel like shes followed me home. She calls me frequently, at home even when she knows I'm busy, she knew I was at work this weekend and she called me anyways. And she really pisses me off with the whole Amanda thing, she bitches about her all the time, and shes really mean to her too. I found out on saturday that Miranda has been talking about me to Nikki. Nikki told me it pisses her off but not as much as when she talks about Amanda. And we talked about that. Miranda really is mean about it, she makes fun of her, not like the way she looks or anything, Miranda makes fun of Amanda for how much she cares about her (Miranda). Isn't that fucked up? Well thats all I have to say about that.

Jeannie
Well as far as Jeannie goes, she still hasn't responded to my letter. But I don't care anymore. Amanda wrote me a letter the other day and she told me Jeannie said she didn't want to respond because it was too weird. I don't understand how a yes or no (or well I have expected a no) is weird. Amanda told me I shouldn't give up on her, and then she referred everything to Miranda, which kind of pissed me off, cause I've been trying hard to keep her away from Miranda cause Miranda will break her heart. She kept telling me that if she gave up then she wouldn't have gotten anything not even a kiss. ETC... And then basically she told me I should go for Rebecca and not to hold anything back. But yeah back to Jeannie, I haven't given up on her, but all I wanted out of it was knowing that she knew that someone cared about her. And I was successful at that, so I'm completely happy with the way things are. Besides like I said the first time I wrote about Jeannie, I don't think things would have worked out anyways. Well thats all about that.

**Pepa**
My beloved Pepa. Sadly his time on this earth is almost up. He is my mom's dad. I don't exactly know how old he is, I think he is in his 70's, but I'm not sure. Well you see last February he was diagnosed with Small-Cell Carcinoma (sp?), they found a tumor about the size of his fist. Well he started his treatment. And as of Christmas it had worked and it was all gone, well they noticed something and went to the doctor, they found out that it was just scar tissue that forms after treatment. Well last week he fell and hit his head and later the left side of his face went numb (not related to falling).

They went to the doctor the next day (Thursday) and found out that the cancer had traveled to his brain and there were two large tumors as well as the cancer being every where else in his brain. SMC travels (spreads) very rapidly, and if it comes back the treatment generally doesn’t work. So rather than trying the treatment again and have him feeling sick all the time, he is just going to stay home for the time that he has left. My mom went up there with her sisters and brother yesterday and they stayed the night. My brothers and I went up there today for a little bit (less time than I expected) I didn’t ok for the most part. I only got upset cause I saw how much it was bothering my mom especially when he was eating cause its hard for him to swallow.

I know this has to be incredibly hard for her. Cause when hes gone, she doesn’t have either of her parents. Her mom died when she was 53 (her mom, not mine), she died of a heart attack (I think the third one she’d had, not sure though). I just know she smoked and that’s mainly what provoked her death. I was only 2 ½ months old so I didn’t know her and I know we called her Gramma (I think, but I don’t know how we spelt it). I can tell my mom is totally stressed and upset. But this situation is kind of cool cause my mom and I have gotten a little closer. Like Friday when she told me, she told me more than she did my brothers, and today we were going through some stuff of Pepa’s, and she was telling me what they all were, and who it was in pictures, I think it made her feel special showing me stuff, she knows I appreciate all of it a million times more than my brothers do. The very first things she showed me were my great grandma’s coin collection [Dana, I knew her cause we used to visit her all the time, but she was in her 90’s my whole life, I was young so I didn’t yet know how to have an actual conversation with her, she was an amazing person from what I know, and she was always loving to me (how ironic, her maiden name was Loving)]. But the main thing that pisses me off about Pepa’s death, is that my mom is the oldest, and I know my mom feels kind of rejected cause he is getting Lisa (2nd oldest) to do all of the will stuff, and the stuff we looked at today he gave to her. I just feel sorry for my mom. Oh and it pisses me off cause my step-grandma June, I don’t like her all that much cause I think she is a gold-digger. She is getting more money than my mom and my aunts. And shes old, why does she need the money. She has manipulated my Pepa several times, 2 or 3 times dealing with houses. And with his will, she has definitely manipulated him. And he kind of realized it and has been getting Lisa to help out. I hope they’ve gotten most of it taken care of.

I think we have the right to be pissed off about that stuff. But its just sad, really really sad. Cause our grandfather, my mom’s dad, is dying right this very moment. They gave him 2 months to live but we all know its going to be less than that. No one should care about the money (the will) and shit, we should all care about the time that we have left. I think we are all focusing on that, but still the will thing is still in the back of our minds cause we want what was his to go into the right hands. Does that make sense, or does it still make us sounds like gold-diggers ourselves? Well I’m not really all that upset about my grandpa dying, I’ve never really been all that close to him. But I feel hes had a good life and has used it well. And now it is his time to go, but I don’t think anyone really wants to see someone they love die. He will be missed.

!!Soccer!!
This paragraph will be kind of short. Hell Yeah!! Guess what? I got All-District Honorable Mention. I’m very happy with that, although yeah I definitely wanted more than that, but its all good. Oh and you can’t forget this one. I got the team Gatorade award for Rookie of the Year (given directly from Coach Kear). I’m very happy, and it made my family happy, especially my mom, I didn’t tell her till today about my All-District award. She was so psyched, it made her so happy, and I could tell she was proud of me. Lol she kind of showed me off to my aunts, not snobbishly, just shared the news enthusiastically. I took my soccer scrapbook (did I say that already?) and they all like it although I’m not finished. Aunt Laura said it reminded her a lot of my mom, cause my mom was really creative like that (made scrapbooks for her and her sisters in high school, she also did a million other things). And we stopped at a gas station after we left and I was walking back out towards the cars, and Aunt Lisa was sitting there, and she started smiling, and I asked her why, she said that just then I had this smirk on my face and that I looked exactly like my mom. And anytime someone says that it makes me really happy and proud even though I may not show it. I love my mom. Oh and today, I told Pepa I loved him. I hardly ever tell anyone that I love them, it made me proud.

But well I’ve been writing for quite a while, and its almost 2:20 now, lol so I’m going to go off to bed, so I’ll talk to ya laters.

!!Tired!!

Well I said I'd write today, but it looks like it will be tomorrow afternoon, I'm really tired right now and I'm going to try and take a nap before I have to go to work. I ended up getting up at 4:30 and hitting the snooze button a few times :) Then went to Granbury, picked up Kim and Nikki. We got there early so we walked around for awhile then finally ran, it was ok (my brain wasn't functioning most of the time). It was crazy there were so many people. Well then we left around 9:30 after getting a ton of free stuff (which was awesome). We kind of got lost, but more so there was construction which screwed us up, after about 15 minutes we were on the right track, we stopped at McDonalds and got breakfast, then I had to stop at PetsMart and get a fish tank filter for mom, then I took them home, and then I came home and here I am now. Lol well I'm going to go to sleep. So talk to ya laters.

BTW if you want to call me at work then thats cool, but if I'm in the snack bar I probably won't be able to talk. But I get off at 11:00, so most likely I'll be home at 11:20 or so, if you want to talk to me then, but if I don't get to talk to you then thats cool, theres always tomorrow. But I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you, have been all day, and *smiles* and will be till I fall asleep. Well, Laters.

??Ugghhh... Don't You Wish a Moment Could Last Forever??

I wish that were true sometimes, especially with tonight. Or well the moments with Becca atleast. I had a really great night and an excellent date. MMM.... ICE CREAM.

Well thats all I have to say for now, I'll write tomorrow if I have enough time in between the race and work. I have alot of stuff to write, including last week, etc., tonight with Becca, and what my mom told me tonight. But other than that I need to go to bed cause I have to get up at 4:15 or so in the morning to go to the race (I have to drive, so much fun, lol especially when I get lost). Well Laters.

Hey Becca well its raining right now, so I don't think the drive-in will be open, and well you can't see the stars when its cloudy so yeah we definately need to talk and figure out what we want to do, I'll think about it all day and figure out something. But yeah I'll talk to you when I get home. Bye

**Becca your email is full, I wrote you on here**

Hey girl, no I completely don't mind if you go see your cross-country coach, thats cool. But just remember it takes like 30 minutes to get here. And yeah call me when you leave Joshua ok. Umm... if you want to go to the drive-in theater, the movies playing are Agent Cody Banks, and Just Married. The first one starts at 7:30 and the box office closes at 8:30, and its $15 a carload. But umm.. if you don't want to see those movies thats cool, we could just get some ice cream then come back to GR and watch the stars. I totally didn't think your parent would let you come, or well I was scared of it atleast. And yes I am looking forward to tomorrow as well. I can't wait to see you, *smiles* and even with your braces. Oh I don't mind that you didn't call, I figured you were tired or busy, lol I was kind of busy at work. Which yeah I'm a little tired right now so I'll talk to you tomorrow. I don't start school till 8:35, and I get out at 4:00 but I'll probably get home at 4:45 or so so I'll call you then ok. Well I'll talk to you later babe.

Love Always,
Erin

I'll write tomrrow about stuff recently, but right now I'm headed to bed, I'm worn out from work, Laters.