~~This is how Erin feels right now~~

I would have much preferred Rebecca not called me, but she did, I would have rather had her finish reading my blogger, but she didn't have the chance, so its all good I suppose. I did not want to listen to the things she said, I knew what she was going to say, or atleast I was pretty damn close. Donovan sounds like a good guy, and if she wants to be with him then I have no problem with that, I'm sure he can make her much happier than I could. Sure yeah I am upset right now just because I'm disappointed, I've lost someone great. Its not having a relationship with her, its just that its different now. I suppose shes the one that got away. I am upset, but I'll get over it, I just need more than a day, and I need not to think about it, I'll be fine in a day or so. Sometimes I may feel as if the world is crashing down around me, but then I come to my senses and except the fact that things don't always work out the way you want them, and that something good will eventually happen.

She didn't hurt me you know, I'm just scared of losing her. She said it herself earlier, that if I didn't say anything, if we didn't resolve anything, then most likely the friendship would end and we probably wouldn't talk to each other anymore. When she said that part of me said thats fine, it would probably be better that way, one less person to worry about. But then the other part of me said, come on atleast say something to let her know that you care. But what could I say to her. I can't be mad at her, what right do I have to be mad at the way she feels. She can't control how she feels about someone. I respect her for how she feels, and nothing will change that, I am not mad at her for wanting Donovan. Like they say Carpe Diem (sp?), seize the day, you may never get this chance again, have no regrets. She said that she would like to date me again, you don't know this is forever. But you have to understand my logic, it is forever Rebecca. And yes I know that I don't know if it is forever, but I honestly don't ever see us being together again. So I do not plan on waiting on her again, I will not keep hope in something that may never happen. You see I've realized finally, I've just been blind too realize it before, I think its either fate or destiny (they're the same to me) doesn't want us together, we're not meant to be, not meant to last, we're only meant to have our moment, and we've had it. I have to be happy with what I have.

I honestly do have this self-destructive mode about me. I'm just so pessimistic sometimes, but I can't help it. And I hope she can forgive me for it. I don't mean to make her feel bad, guilty, angry with me, or anything like that. I do not mean to be so negative. Do you remember Erika, the girl from Austin? I pushed her away by being pessimistic, plus there was the whole distance thing. If I'm pushing her away, I would want her to push back at me, but if its too much for her then she doesn't have to. Cause I really don't want to lose her as a friend. But I know that how I'm acting really doesn't necessarily make her want to stay. Yeah she means alot to me, I'm just not so sure how I feel about us right now, as friends. I mean things changed when we kissed, we're just on a completely different level right now. And yeah what I said in my earlier blogger entries (my ramblings), I still feel like that, but I'm simpifying things right now.

Rebecca really didn't need to say what she did earlier, I knew she was going to tell me about Donovan and I didn't want to hear any of it. Yeah it made me cry just cause I wanted to believe she felt the same about me as she does with him, but I know she doesn't. I could just tell how much of a difference there was, and yeah don't forget this ok, the distance thing is still a factor in this all. And yeah I stopped her from giving me the whole speech about there are other people out there, blah, blah, blah. I didn't want to hear it cause I already know that, and I'm not doing the whole I'm never giving you up type of thing (the obsessive thing, the annoying puppy, the if I can't have you I'll never have anyone thing). I want to keep talking to her like I used to, but its different now, although I wish it could stay the same, it just can't be like that. I'm just not quite sure what to do right now.

Hmm... what shall I do this weekend. Yay another birthday alone, no friends around, makes me feel really special. I'll be 17 on Sunday, I'm sure it will be quite a thrill. Well I really should get going, cause I need to pack to go to dad's... again. But before I go, I've been meaning to post it since last Thursday, but everything has been so chaotic, and theres part of me that thinks I shouldn't post this, but I think this person deserves to know these things.

Just a few things about Rebecca:

* I love it how when she writes she puts her actions in aterisks (sp? *`*).
* I love it how she calls me babe and sweetheart.
* I love how intellectual she is and how I can have an actual conversation with her.
* I'm not worried about the physical stuff (but that doesn't matter anymore).
* I love it how she says shes not nervous, but secretly I think that she is but would never fully admit it.
* I love her really soft lips (kind of remind me of Angelina Jolie, but not as excessive, Rebecca's are perfect).
* She has very nice legs (from soccer of course)
* She has a very, very nice stomach and a very cute belly button (outie)
* I love how soft her entire body is.
* She has very beautiful hair, a beautiul face, beautiful eyes, and a beautiful mind.
* I love it how she would rather watch the stars than to watch a movie (unless the movie is "thought provoking").
* I love it how she looks very cute and goofy with a hat on.
* I love her innocence, and I mean truely innocent, pure.
* I think its cute how she always has to win (but would let me sometimes).
* I think its funny when her phone rings, se always says "my ass is vibrating."
* I love the outline of her face when the moon shines on it.
* I love it and think its very cute when she talks in a British accent sometimes.

Well some of those things may not be appropriate anymore, but I still thought she'd like to know. Well I'm gonna jet, laters.

Quotes:

"Many do with opportunities as children do at the seashore; they fill their little hands with sand, and then let the grains fall through, one by one, till all are gone."--Thomas Jones

"Opportunity always looks bigger going than coming."--Anonymous

"The sad truth is that opportunity doesn't knock twice. You can put things off until tomorrow but tomorrow may never come."--Gloria Estefan

"You cannot afford to wait for perfect conditions. Goal setting is often a matter of balancing timing against available resources. Opportunities are easily lost while waiting for perfect conditions."--Gary Ryan Blair

"Unlimited opportunities can be as potent a cause of frustration as a paucity or lack of opportunities."--Eric Hoffer

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."--Alexander Graham Bell

"Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."--Bil Keane