"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth--to see it like it is, and tell it like it is--to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth."--Richard Nixon

"Truth will always be truth, regardless of lack of understanding, disbelief or ignorance."--W. Clement Stone

"Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness."--Kathleen Pedersen

"I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."--Isak Dinesen

"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary."--Sir Cecil Beaton

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"Do not be too timid and squeamish... All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience."--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience."--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits on a hot stove-lid; he will never sit on a hot stove-lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit on a cold one anymore."--Mark Twain


~~I figure I better write now, or I won't be able to later, plus I'd probably forget stuff~~

Well the last week or so, I've been extremely exhausted mentally and physically. I feel as though I've been disconnected from the world. And yeah I honestly can say that I feel some of the days this week have been hell, especially Thursday, that day I felt like I did last year, I got really depressed and cried for like 30 minutes or more and I honestly had some of my old thoughts (about killing myself, but I didn't mean them, after I calmed down I was fine). So why has this week been different, well I tell you, and hope you have some time to spare cause this might take awhile, as it generally always does.

Ok well here it goes.

**This is mostly about Kyle, but I'm just going to tell what went on throughout each day**

*Pepa*
Well Thursday morning my Pepa basically had a stroke, which is very common with people who have brain cancer. I didn't know anything till during school (I was staying at my dad's). That morning he was able to talk to June a little bit (June is my step-grandma), and then he was unconscious. So she called for an ambulance and they took him to the hospital and ran some tests on him. They discovered that he was bleeding in his brain (a stroke, but I don't think that is actually what a stroke is, is it?), I'd more so call it a lesion than a stroke. But anyways, well he remained unconscious the whole time, although the doctor's said that they thought that if you talked to him that he could hear you. But really I think that is a bunch of bullshit, cause if someone is unconscious they generally can't hear you or understand you. I think they just tell people that so maybe they'd have some comfort (like if they left something unsaid, they could still say it in hopes of the person knowing something). But well yeah I talked to Bee at lunch cause I couldn't get a hold of mom. I needed someone to get my check at work and take some papers for me (couldn't do it myself since I was at dad's). And he told me her and Brian left to go to Texoma, and I asked him if it was an emergency and he told me what had happened.

*Kyle*
Later that night Bee went up there himself. Well after school I discussed it with dad, and I was planning on going back to GR early so I could run my errands, etc. Well Kyle called me and told me he was going up there on Friday after work. I told him I needed the car cause I had stuff to do and that I couldn't go till Saturday cause I had to take my ACT. Well he got pissed of course and said that it was my decision on what he did, etc. He was going to do what he wanted, which meant he was going to take the car (even though I needed it for educational purposes, go to school, etc. and all of which I had discussed with my mom about doing earlier in the week). And then he hung up on me, which infuriated me. So then my dad called him, and he ended up getting pissed and hung up on Kyle. Then dad called Brian and then Brian called Kyle, and Kyle hung up on him. Brian called me and told me to go and do what I needed to do, not to let him have the keys and if he causes problems then just leave. All of this was weird cause when I talked to dad and Brian, both of them actually agreed with everything I've ever thought and said about Kyle, and never have they ever said anything that supported my thoughts on him. It was just so weird, having a common ground with them.

Anyways, well dad took me home, and he said that if Kyle started anything just to walk away, and well I knew better, if something started then I couldn't walk away, I'm just not that type of person. I think I've only walked out of one fight with Kyle and thats just cause it was so ridiculous. Well dad and Kyle talked when we got there, I just came up stairs and started going about my business. Then Kyle came of here and started bitching at me. That I need to tell him what I'm planning, not to just tell mom, etc. Well you know it should matter if I told him, I told mom. He would know what my plans are if he talked to mom about stuff. He never tells us what hes planning on doing, simply cause he never knows that. And he would know what I was planning if he asked me, I shouldn't have to tell him, it is none of his concern. And also it doesn't concern him because my plans involved the car, and guess what, big surprise here, the car ISN'T his!! That make sense?

Well we fought for quite awhile. I basically told him how I felt about all his bullshit. I told him that he doesn't need the car cause all he does is "kick back, drink a few beers, and smoke a few J's" (his words not mine). And he got all pissed cause I didn't approve, and no one else in this house approves either. And he makes a big deal about it, and I can respect him for his thoughts, but actions thats a different story. Sure I may be one for trying things once, but he does things consecutively. You see the reason I make such a big deal about the car is that Kyle is 21 years old, he still lives at home, has no car (cause he wrecked it while he was really hung over), he doesn't go to college (wouldn't mind that really, if he was doing something with himself), he finally got a job, and all he does when he takes the car is go kick back with his buddies. It pisses me off so much, cause he is so smart and always has been, and hes just wasting his life away. He could go so far, but all of it just wasted. He is so stubborn. Yeah he got mad cause I didn't support him, his ideas just aren't logical, I honestly don't see whats in his future, he wants to be a Nascar driver (or something related to it) and he has his koozie-cup idea (which is patented), which is a good idea but he won't do anything with it, hes so afraid of someone ripping him off but really he just doesn't want to listen to anyone (here we are supporting him to do something but he wont do it, see why we don't support him that often, and this idea is actually somewhat logical), he has to do it his own way (which is generally the hard way). But yeah most of the things he wants to do just aren't logical and generally they would never prosper in the future.

We talked about this too: My theory is that hes angry at the world. He hates mom pretty much. She treated dad like shit, etc. etc. He won't let things go. Yeah we talked about having pride. I told him he has to much pride to do something with himself, that hes to stubborn and won't listen to anyone's ideas even if they are good ones, he has to do things his own way. Well he said our whole damn family has too much pride. I was like yeah thats true, just like dad (Kyle always defends him, always) had too much pride to tell me that is business failed, etc. He was like mom has too much pride too, she has too much pride to tell you anything. I said I probably knew more than he thought I did. Then he went off on mom, telling me that she fucked dad over, she completely fucked up his life, that she committed adultery, divorced him, then filed bankruptcy on him. Oh he was sure passionate about telling me that. Why is it that people in my family, if they hate someone, they want me to hate that person too (mom did it with John, my ex-step-dad, and Kyle is doing it with mom), interesting.

He feels everyone in this family has fucked him over, that no one has supported him with anything, which hes wrong cause we would support him but hes just not doing anything for us to support him in. I have to say he holds a grudge against mom, but if she did what he says she did, then so what get over it. Even if she didn't do it, shit would have hit the fan eventually. Yeah our family is definitely fucked up, but get over it. Holding grudges does nothing for you. Anyways, he kept throwing the whole "if I knew" thing in my face, but thats not my fault ok. I told him that mom has been gracious enough to allow me to take the car when I needed it. And that if I had a car then it would make it a hell of alot easier to get a job to pay for the car. I told him besides if you wouldn't have wrecked your truck then you would have your own car, so don't sit here and complain to me (I think I said that part atleast).

You see the point is, if he didn't fuck up his truck then I wouldn't have to share the car with him, thus making it easier for me to get a job cause then I wouldn't only have to work out a schedule with one other person. And you know what mom and I did very well with that this summer, it worked out perfect. Kyle just wants the car to go get fucked up or hand with his buddies. I told him hes lucky hes even getting to drive the car, especially since hes the one that put it in a ditch, not me. And I told him that mom really didn't need another wreck on her insurance cause it would screw it over (she told me that herself), Kyle disagreed and said that it wouldn't screw it up, what screws it up is that she has a 21 year old and a 16 year old on her policy, and that if I don't know what I'm talking about then I should shut the fuck up. Which actually I did know what I was talking about, and yeah he may be partly right but he shouldn't be on the policy, he wasn't until he moved back in after failing to live on his own in North Carolina. And I'm sorry that if I have an opinion on him driving the car and my opinions on his lifestyles offends him, but fuck him ok, its not worth it. He says we've put him through hell, bullshit hes the one making it that way but its the opposite, hes put us through hell and back too. Hes the one that put the car in the ditch (which I'm sure he was fucked up while doing so, mom and Bee agrees with me) which cost over $11,000 worth of damaged, and left mom without a car for 2 1/2 months (thats when we 3 started sharing a car, the rental car).

Oh we also fought about how things are going to be in the future. He said that things are going to change and that if I don't think that then I am sadly mistaken. He started off saying one day when I have millions in the bank. And right then I stopped him and didn't let him finish. I was like yeah thats right you just want to be able to say I told you so. He disagreed. And I just told him, yeah Kyle you hate us all and you just want to prove us wrong, thats exactly the type of person you are. This really pissed him off. I told him, Kyle I'm not talking about how its going to be in the future, I'm talking about right now, in the present. I'm telling you my opinions about right now. Well yeah I really pissed him off. Well he later made a big deal again about the car. Saying that all day he had made plans in his head about what he was going to do, we would leave after I got home from school so he could still go to work. He was mad cause he didn't know that I had plans and that it pissed him off cause he had everything set in his mind (he could have the car and the house to himself, which is what I thought and dad extremely confirmed it that was what he thought as well).

*After the drama*
Well finally we stopped, with me saying, I swear you're so ridiculous. Like I said earlier all of this made me really upset and I got really depressed and I honestly felt like killing myself. But then I calmed down, watched some tv, and talked to Rebecca. Anyways, well then Friday comes. Well you have no idea how much Kyle kept going on about his plans the night before, and guess what, he went out on Thursday night, and didn't go to work the next day. When I was about to wake him up he came and told me that he called in to work and they already had someone covering for him. This really pissed me off, especially since he made such a bid deal. Well the day went on, I didn't want to stay at school simply cause I didn't want to (I had errands to run, well just one really, I had to go to the bank). So after I took my vocabulary test in BCIS, I went and took my chemistry test, then went back to class. I stayed and ate lunch, then I left afterwards. Well I went and cashed all of my change ($12.50 in pennies, $12 in nickels, and $20 in dimes). That didn't take near as much time as I thought it would.

So I went and visited Megan, she told me a few weeks ago, that she'd been getting really sick and almost or had passed out at softball or other places. And that in a few days she was going to have all of her tests done (I hadn't talked to her since that day until yesterday) in a few days. Well yesterday she told me that basically within the last month shes been to school a whole day only 3 times. And that basically shes supposed to be bed-ridden and not to do anything, which meant she had to quit softball (lol don't think she minded that completely). She told me shes going to have surgery this Thursday (17th). She found out that her heart beats about 3 or 4 times fasters than mine does (an average person), so they are going to go in and burn something that will slow it down (I can't remember the name of the things, but there are two of them that regulate the speed of her heartbeat, one is alot faster than the other so they are going to burn that one). So well yeah I feel sorry for her cause it would really suck to be in her position. It kind of made me think of Bree, she had her knee surgery this last Thursday. But other than that, Megan has been very bored being at home all the time. Well she had taken her medication before I got there, so after awhile she was about to fall asleep so I left (this is always funny to me, cause just about every time I've gone over there I've always left after she had fallen asleep). After I left there, I went up to the high school, no one really talked to me, but it was still good to be in the atmosphere. The girls told me that they had a game at 4:30 and I told them I'd try to go, which I didn't go, there last game is next Friday so hopefully I can go to it, that is if Rebecca wants to go (if we get to do something that night, that is).

Anyways then I went home, and cleaned the car, took a shower, got dressed, then left to go get Rebecca. Well around 4:00 when I was about to take a shower, Brian called me. He told me that Pepa had died around 10:15 that morning. And at the time he didn't know what was going on cause he was out in the truck eating breakfast, and he told me he was on his way home, and mom and Bee would probably leave in another hour or so. I asked him if Pepa ever woke up, and he said he hadn't. He told me that Mom stayed up there the latest, and her and Bee got up there as soon as the could that morning. Then after a little bit, the call was lost. Then almost moments later the phone rang, and it said unavailable and I assumed it was Brian, but it was mom. I told her Brian had just called me and told me everything, and so she said ok and that they were about to leave. I told her I was still planning on going out, and I asked her if it was still ok if I did so, and she said it was ok.

*School*
Well this morning I had to get up and go take my ACT. I left early so I could go to McDonald’s, for some reason it hasn’t been as good the last few times I’ve been there, oh well I still like it. When I got there, two girls from GR were there, one being Brittany Stephenson which is a good friend of mine which we’ve had many interesting experiences together (shes one of the people that I went with to Japan). The other girl was Heather Teague, I’ve grown up with her, we’ve always been friends but not really close ones. Then Kim was there and I told her I was sorry I couldn’t do anything cause I was on a date, but I told her maybe this weekend, but I’m not for sure since my birthday is on Sunday. Anyways, the test was harder than I expected but its all good I suppose. I didn’t finish: English: 7, Math: 16, Reading: 10, Science: 7 questions. On the reading and science the ones I didn’t finish I bubbled in most common answer, I want to do that on the other tests, but it would have been cheating, cause I didn’t think to do it after I was done with them. Oh well, I plan on taking the ACT and SAT more than once, and now I know that I need to study my math, cause I’ve had really crappy math teachers for algebra (fr. and soph. year) so I need to do something to get better at it, plus I’m just not all that good at math.

But well after the test headed for GR, went and rented some movies which all ended up being fairly stupid), and got subway for lunch then I came home. After my movie I went to sleep, I talked to Rebecca briefly, she wasn’t sure if she’d talk to me cause she had a YOU leadership meeting. Well around 7:30 or so Amanda called and I talked to her for a sec, she asked me if Miranda has a new girlfriend, cause they were all going to the drive-in (some girl, Miranda, Amanda, and Nikki), I told her I didn’t know, but if she did, it wasn’t meaningful (or pointless) to her. And it wouldn’t surprise me if she was just doing it for the hell of it. But yeah I don’t know about it, but it wouldn’t surprise me, but then again I don’t know of anyone that would (or wants to) date Miranda. Who knows.

Well Rebecca called after a little bit, her, Vanessa and Shands went to a museum. When she called me on their way up there she said she was with Vanessa I didn’t know who she was talking about at first, then after we hung up I realized it was her friend that came up from Austin. She called me later while they were there, and I talked to both Vanessa and Shands, it was interesting, I’ve never met them (I’d like to) but I know they both have nice voices. Lol I don’t know much, except that they’re friends with my girlfriend. But well when Rebecca and I hung up. I got this weird feeling, like I was upset or mad, like I was jealous. I wasn’t jealous I don’t think, I guess knowing she was having fun with her friends made me really want to be there with her, to enjoy the same things she was. If I was jealous its cause they got to with her and I didn’t. But it just made me realize how much I missed her. Shes so wonderful.

*Tomorrow*
Well tomorrow I am leaving around 1:00 with my mom and Bee to go to Texoma, we’re staying the night up there. Mom wants to go cause family is going up there, and everyone wants the chance to talk, ya know. But I’m going then so I don’t have to get up at 5:30 the next morning. Although I’d like to stay so I’d have the internet. The funeral service is at 11:00 on Monday, and then we’re coming back to Granbury for the graveside service at 2:30 (hes being buried by Gramma). Then after thats over I’ll be home. If Rebecca wants to call me Sunday night, it will be more than fine, I’d call her but I don’t know when she’ll be home or not be busy.

But well I’ve been typing for awhile if you couldn’t tell, and well its after 5:35 in the morning so I’m going to go, talk to you laters.


MELANIE C:
"Never Be The Same Again"

Come on. Ooh, yeah.
Never be the same again.

I call you up whenever things go wrong.
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.
I can't believe it took me quite so long.
To take the forbidden step.
Is this something that I might regret?

(Come on, come on)
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
(You are the one)
A lonely heart that can't be tamed.
(Come on, come on)
I'm hoping that you feel the same.
This is something that I can't forget.

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Now I know that we were close before.
I'm glad I realized I need you so much more.
And I don't care what everyone will say.
It's about you and me.
And we'll never be the same again.

I thought that we would just be friends (oh yeah).
Things will never be the same again. (Never be the same again)
It's just the beginning it's not the end. (We've only just begun)
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door. (Opened up the door)
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes feature:

“Ok check it,
Night and day.
Black beach sand to red clay.
The US to UK, NYC to LA.
From sidewalks to highways.
See it'll never be the same again.
What I'm sayin'
My mind frame never changed 'til you came rearranged.

But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden.
Where there's no competition.
And you render my condition.
Though improbable it's not impossible.
For a love that could be unstoppable.

But wait.
A fine line's between fate and destiny.
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly.

And as our energies mix and begin to multiply.
Everyday situations, they start to simplify.
So things will never be the same between you and I.
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified.”

I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.

(Come on, come on)
Things will never be the same again.
(You are the one)
Never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
We'll never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.
Never be the same again.