I don't know if this is a poem or what, but I just found it when I was searching for respect originality on google, just thought I would share, lol.
originality
Respect abounds outwardly,
As I think of your appreciation
Of me- the one never quite
Accepted- except in my own world,
Where I rule over my many followers.
They too have been outcast from their society,
Ostracized for simply being "different".
Although many reside in my own personal empire,
The throne beside me has remained empty-
Until now. Your voice joins mine in the rule
Over those never appreciated by others,
Simply because the critics are jealous.
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Friday, April 30, 2004
Saturday, April 24, 2004
KATY ROSE:
"Teachin' Myself To Dream"
I throw myself into the rain
As we run down these old train
Tracks again
The moon is naked in the sky
So maybe you and I could fly
Or pretend
As the stars fall from grace
And light your glowing face
I'm teachin' myself to dream
I'm holding' my breath to scream
I;m teachin' myself to belive in the world
And it goes around in the sky so blue
That's what dreamers do
Can't say what day it is or year
But thou shalt have no fear
For I know your name
You can't believe what I did
And maybe I'm just a kid
But the we're both the same
I watch the hours through the glass
And now the time will finally pass
I'm teachin' myself to dream
I'm learnin' what love can be
I'm teachin' myself to
Belive in the things I don't understand
I don't even know if they're true
That's what dreamers do
Stapled eyes can't open until waking
And all your lies will be your undertaking
I let my mind dance and flow
We'll magic and I'll know
As the lilacs slowly grow
All my dreams are true
KATY ROSE:
"Lemon"
They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat my instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun
I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by
So hurting here is where I belong singing a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try
You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above
I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by
So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy
KATY ROSE:
"Vacation"
Oh I don't need an education
Just a microphone's intoxication
And I can't deal with concentration
Give me tongues and stimulation
Who are you to know my story
Who are you to read my book
[chorus:]
I don't think you know how crazy,
People say I am
"You're running in the deep end, Katy. Why don't you give a damn?"
I've lost all sense of navigation,
But got my Cali-fornication
Don't give me words of hard degration,
I only accept infatuation
I'm a fragile kind of glass
I won't wear your stupid mask
[chorus]
I still hold hands with my creation
But cross my eyes at it's elation
And if I miss my graduation
I'll have one fucking long vacation
"Teachin' Myself To Dream"
I throw myself into the rain
As we run down these old train
Tracks again
The moon is naked in the sky
So maybe you and I could fly
Or pretend
As the stars fall from grace
And light your glowing face
I'm teachin' myself to dream
I'm holding' my breath to scream
I;m teachin' myself to belive in the world
And it goes around in the sky so blue
That's what dreamers do
Can't say what day it is or year
But thou shalt have no fear
For I know your name
You can't believe what I did
And maybe I'm just a kid
But the we're both the same
I watch the hours through the glass
And now the time will finally pass
I'm teachin' myself to dream
I'm learnin' what love can be
I'm teachin' myself to
Belive in the things I don't understand
I don't even know if they're true
That's what dreamers do
Stapled eyes can't open until waking
And all your lies will be your undertaking
I let my mind dance and flow
We'll magic and I'll know
As the lilacs slowly grow
All my dreams are true
KATY ROSE:
"Lemon"
They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat my instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun
I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by
So hurting here is where I belong singing a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try
You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above
I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by
So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy
KATY ROSE:
"Vacation"
Oh I don't need an education
Just a microphone's intoxication
And I can't deal with concentration
Give me tongues and stimulation
Who are you to know my story
Who are you to read my book
[chorus:]
I don't think you know how crazy,
People say I am
"You're running in the deep end, Katy. Why don't you give a damn?"
I've lost all sense of navigation,
But got my Cali-fornication
Don't give me words of hard degration,
I only accept infatuation
I'm a fragile kind of glass
I won't wear your stupid mask
[chorus]
I still hold hands with my creation
But cross my eyes at it's elation
And if I miss my graduation
I'll have one fucking long vacation
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
~~WHEEEEEEE........~~
Guess what. I will be in San Francisco next week, I'm leaving on Saturday, and won't be back until thursday. My mom is the lab director at the local hospital, and when they buy new equipment she has to go do training for it. Shes been to New York, San Antonio (which isn't big since its like 4 hours from here), and shes also been to San Francisco before. But last time, it was in 8th grade and it was over my birthday, which I didn't mind cause it was business, then I found out her boyfriend was going (which hes now her fiance), and it pissed me off majorly. But this time he isn't going, but I get to go this time, for m 18th birthday!! Maybe it won't be shitty this year, my birthday that is. But well I just wanted to write really quick and share this. I'm uber excited. I'll be walking around by myself alot, cause my mom will be in training, but the people they bought the equipment from, are paying for her whole trip, and shes paying for mine. We'll be on seperate flights both ways. Saturday her flight leaves like 5 hours before mine. Meh... oh well, no biggie for me. But well I'm using my coaches laptop, and they're back inside now, so i have to go. Laters.
Guess what. I will be in San Francisco next week, I'm leaving on Saturday, and won't be back until thursday. My mom is the lab director at the local hospital, and when they buy new equipment she has to go do training for it. Shes been to New York, San Antonio (which isn't big since its like 4 hours from here), and shes also been to San Francisco before. But last time, it was in 8th grade and it was over my birthday, which I didn't mind cause it was business, then I found out her boyfriend was going (which hes now her fiance), and it pissed me off majorly. But this time he isn't going, but I get to go this time, for m 18th birthday!! Maybe it won't be shitty this year, my birthday that is. But well I just wanted to write really quick and share this. I'm uber excited. I'll be walking around by myself alot, cause my mom will be in training, but the people they bought the equipment from, are paying for her whole trip, and shes paying for mine. We'll be on seperate flights both ways. Saturday her flight leaves like 5 hours before mine. Meh... oh well, no biggie for me. But well I'm using my coaches laptop, and they're back inside now, so i have to go. Laters.
SWITCHFOOT:
"This Is Your Life"
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose
"This Is Your Life"
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose
Friday, April 09, 2004
**Just got done talking to Katlin, and i'm trying to clear off all of my saved stuff, so i'm putting it on here so I don't have to save it.**
MakenkiKat: Hallo
MakenkiKat: Hi person I don't know
erinlJONES: who am i talking to then
MakenkiKat: both, I guess
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: But she just said she'd butt out
MakenkiKat: ^^
erinlJONES: who
MakenkiKat: you're an idiot you know? You scared me to death
erinlJONES: i scared you to death
erinlJONES: how?
MakenkiKat: Caroline Avery\
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: THE FRICKIN' JUMPING ON TOP OF THE CAR THING!
erinlJONES: LOL
MakenkiKat: what else?
erinlJONES: it was freaking hilarious
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: you're parents smiled
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *safety freak in the house*
erinlJONES: true
MakenkiKat: Did they, I was too busy covering my eyes....
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: they smiled?
erinlJONES: your mom did atleast
MakenkiKat: WOW3
erinlJONES: 3?
MakenkiKat: *woow
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: WHAT?
MakenkiKat: *WOW
MakenkiKat: *kills the 3*
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Kat cannot type
erinlJONES: so, did your parents say anything about me?
MakenkiKat: I can type faster than she can... baka
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: no
MakenkiKat: they didn't have a chance
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: *wonders if they would have*
MakenkiKat: dad was still pissed at the team
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: no
MakenkiKat: i don't think so
erinlJONES: brb
erinlJONES: sorry, had to go get my mom to pop my back before she went to bed
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: now it's my turn, brb, talk to carebear *cackles at the evil name and runs off before she can be killed*
erinlJONES: uhh... ok
MakenkiKat: Hello
erinlJONES: carebear???
MakenkiKat: Whats up
erinlJONES: nothing much, you?
MakenkiKat: Yes its my nick name
erinlJONES: why?
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Same,just thinking about killing Kat
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Because another one of my nicknames is Care so they made it CareBear
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: Yeah but I'm not very caring
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Shes back./
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: obviously, I'm the one that can type faster
MakenkiKat: pfft
MakenkiKat: enthused answer
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: *has had too much Dr. Pepper
MakenkiKat: *
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: so....
MakenkiKat: so.... sorry I was in such a pissy mood. The terrible 3 really pissed me off today
erinlJONES: terrible 3?
erinlJONES: the 3 sisters?
MakenkiKat: Chelsey Christina & Staci
erinlJONES: ok thats what i though
erinlJONES: what'd they do
erinlJONES: *wonders if you're ever going to answer*
MakenkiKat: They tell me about how pissed off they are that we aren't winning, or that no one's putting in any effort, or complain about dad putting in Megan or Anna or Hailey, when it's a rec team and they have to play at least 30 minutes for each game.... AND THEN they don't bother to show up for practice, can't bother to call and tell their coach they won't be there, and expect ME to repeat what I overheard. When they asked why I can't just tell dad.... *glares* I'm in the process of....
MakenkiKat: They don't understand that I'm not their FUCKING MESSENGER....
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: now... that's enough of that for a while...
erinlJONES: that understandable to be really pissed over
erinlJONES: i just thought you were pissed at me, more than usual
MakenkiKat: are you being sarcastic?
erinlJONES: no
MakenkiKat: no, I wasn't pissed at you
erinlJONES: are you sure?
MakenkiKat: eh.... I think I'm sure, though there might be some excess pissyness lurking in some corner some where, just waiting to spring out....
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: hm... talkitive
erinlJONES: very lol
erinlJONES: just thinking thats all
MakenkiKat: *grins* what'cha thinking now?
erinlJONES: you
MakenkiKat: pfft, that was my answer
erinlJONES: you're thinking about me?
MakenkiKat: when ever you asked "what are you thinking now?" remember?
MakenkiKat: *rollseyes*
erinlJONES: meh... but mine wasn't a cheap answer
MakenkiKat: *glares*
erinlJONES: don't look at me in that tone of voice
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: stupid line but i couldn't resist
MakenkiKat: 0.0
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: but no, really, i have been thinking about you alot
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: oh, how so?
erinlJONES: i just have
erinlJONES: so, don't get mad ok, but do you really get mad or jealous when Anna talks about me?
MakenkiKat: Anna? um... sorta, though it's stupid to. Basically she just annoys me
erinlJONES: how is it stupid
erinlJONES: and how does she annoy you
MakenkiKat: you're starting to sound like dr. chris.... but, I don't know why it's stupid, it just feels stupid to get mad or jealous over it. and she annoys me by acting so damned immature
erinlJONES: i don't think its stupid
MakenkiKat: well thanks
erinlJONES: for?
erinlJONES: so i'm guessing your parents know we broke up?
MakenkiKat: uh, yeah
erinlJONES: bet they were happy
MakenkiKat: -_- mom took me out for ice cream.... for "sympathy reasons"
erinlJONES: WTF
erinlJONES: weird
MakenkiKat: yeah
erinlJONES: do you hate me?
MakenkiKat: no
erinlJONES: then what is it, you feel towards me
MakenkiKat: I don't know! I'm confused, I still want to be with you, but... I don't know. You don't.
erinlJONES: for whatever its worth, i still like you, but its just too hard to have relationship
erinlJONES: whenever i see you, i want to hug you, kiss you, not feel awkward around you. but i only get to see you at school, or hang out with you atleast
MakenkiKat: that too
erinlJONES: its like i want to be able to go out on the weekends and have fun, and not have to worry about temptation, and be cheating
MakenkiKat: explain cheating?
erinlJONES: if i'm supposed to be dating someone, as in tied down. specifically you, and i can't hang out with you at night or on the weekends. and i go hang out with friends, and if i ever found my self tempted to kiss someone else, and i gave in, then i'd be cheating on you.
erinlJONES: which i'm not looking into dating anyone else, i'm just saying
erinlJONES: if one weekend i just would want to let loose and have fun with my friends, arggh... i'm getting all jumbled up
MakenkiKat: well, you've solved that problem, haven't you?
erinlJONES: what problem
MakenkiKat: cheating
erinlJONES: and how would i have solved that
MakenkiKat: you're no longer cheating on me if you let loose.
erinlJONES: i never did cheat on you
erinlJONES: fuck, i hate being me
MakenkiKat: I wasn't saying that
erinlJONES: saying what
MakenkiKat: that you ever cheated on me
erinlJONES: i know
erinlJONES: i really do still like you, but its just fucked up, cause like, i don't know, i don't want to be tied down, but i can't have an "open" relationship, cause thats just fucked up, and hell i just don't know
erinlJONES: if your friend is reading this, tell her i apologize for my language
MakenkiKat: she hears me all the time
MakenkiKat: and she's not supposed to be reading it
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: she's just monitoring my blood pressure *glares at the medical equipment*
erinlJONES: uhhh..... ok
MakenkiKat: ugh, anyway
MakenkiKat: it's okay, I mean, mom and dad just... they're fucking lunatics that are "protecting" their daughter. Crap... I mean... I can't see, talk, be with you. Or any of it, and we've said this before... I don't know...
erinlJONES: i know. it was weird though today, cause they actually like smiled at me, and didn't freak out when you were talking to me.
MakenkiKat: LOL
MakenkiKat: yeah
MakenkiKat: maybe you should try talking to them ^_~
erinlJONES: i was actually thinking about that earlier, seriously
MakenkiKat: were you?
erinlJONES: yed
erinlJONES: yes
MakenkiKat: do I hazard to ask about what?
erinlJONES: lol hazard
MakenkiKat: okay, why?
MakenkiKat: *what
erinlJONES: i don't know, i just wanted to say that i'm a good person, and that i really like you and i really would like to atleast be able to talk to you, and not having to worry about her parents attacking me, with a restraining order or something
MakenkiKat: well, if you want to go ahead.
erinlJONES: lol you sound so enthusiastic
MakenkiKat: ugh, enthusiasm has worn out
MakenkiKat: well, energy
erinlJONES: i understand that
MakenkiKat: too much being pissed at the 3
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: meh
MakenkiKat: caroline's gonna make me a sarcasm card tomorrow.... I don't quite know what that is, Dani says it's my card that permits me to be sarcastic, and supposedly took it away.... but it doesn't work, cause I've had no problem being sarcastic anyway.... *blinks*
erinlJONES: lol, uhh.... ok
MakenkiKat: yeah... that's what I said...
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *whistles tunelessly* so... back to square one, or have we for once not managed to talk ourselves in a circle, cause if we haven't, I missed the exit lane.
erinlJONES: missed the exit lane
erinlJONES: that was an awesome analogy, no sarcasm on my part by the way, i'm serious
MakenkiKat: thanks
MakenkiKat: I try
erinlJONES: i don't think we've talked in circles
erinlJONES: but what is square one
MakenkiKat: square one... well, the beginning of the circle, I guess, but circles don't have beginnings... *shuts off geometric side of her brain*
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: ^^
erinlJONES: what
MakenkiKat: no, I just saw your reply
erinlJONES: what reply
MakenkiKat: too many little squares with people trying to talk to me
erinlJONES: oh
MakenkiKat: erinlJONES [11:01 PM]: lol
MakenkiKat: that one
erinlJONES: i gathered that
MakenkiKat: I hoped so
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: so what are you doing?
MakenkiKat: talking to cheyenne about the latest developement between renee and jacki
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: bet thats FUN
MakenkiKat: you did hear right?
erinlJONES: yeah
MakenkiKat: what do you think?
erinlJONES: Jackie would be crazy to marry her
erinlJONES: i know ducky all to tell in my short time knowing her, well almost a year now actually
erinlJONES: all to well i mean
MakenkiKat: funny, that was one of the first things to pop into my mind.
MakenkiKat: the marrying
erinlJONES: yep
MakenkiKat: then jacki said something about the word commitment might scare renee, to which I wanted to know what the hell she was thinking about if it wasn't commitment. Unless, to quote the dr. quam translated version of shakespear "to get a little som'thin' som'thin' " easy
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: exaxtly
erinlJONES: exactly
MakenkiKat: ><
MakenkiKat: shakespear is a lot more interesting when it's not chopped up into to the innocent love story, as it was not intended to be
MakenkiKat: and dr. quam likes being frank about it
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat, now they're saying I have a split personality....
erinlJONES: who
erinlJONES: hey can i try somethin real quick
MakenkiKat: yeah
MakenkiKat: when you click "accept" isn't it supposed to pop up?
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: it says its connecting
MakenkiKat: try again
MakenkiKat: oh
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: nevermind
MakenkiKat: "establishing a connection with erinlJones*
MakenkiKat: "
MakenkiKat: *growls*
MakenkiKat: stupid
erinlJONES: i was just wanting to see if this mic worked, i just found it, its really old school, lol
MakenkiKat: mic?
MakenkiKat: like a talking thing?
erinlJONES: yes
MakenkiKat: *grimace* talk about old school, I didn't even know the word *is talking about self*
erinlJONES: what
MakenkiKat: mic
erinlJONES: type something random real quick
erinlJONES: like a .
MakenkiKat: I'm randommmmmmmmmmmmmmm
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: weird
MakenkiKat: eh?
erinlJONES: instead of making the beepy noise, since i have the mic plugged in, its doing this wind in a microphone noise, and i know its not me, how weird
MakenkiKat: that is weird...
MakenkiKat: I'm confused again'
erinlJONES: lol don't be
MakenkiKat: hard not to be....
MakenkiKat: *laughs and quotes* it's my permanent state of mind
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i just tend to find the weirdest things to entertain me
MakenkiKat: Care:It was MY quote
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: me: yeah, and ctrl + B would have made "MY" a lot more impressive
MakenkiKat: *is attacked*
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: hey does Kristen have a mic?
MakenkiKat: *mock offended gasp* aren't you supposed to defend me when people attack me?
MakenkiKat: *rollseyes* the girl has everything under the sun
MakenkiKat: let me ask
erinlJONES: lol i ca't
erinlJONES: can't
MakenkiKat: she will answer as soon as she figures out I copied and pasted, and you did not some how find out a way to answer in some other thing a ma bob.
MakenkiKat: no mic
MakenkiKat: everything under the sun, but the mic it seems
erinlJONES: damn, but i wonder if it would work with her computer, *wonders if hers is better than Cares*
MakenkiKat: probably
MakenkiKat: but her's is new
MakenkiKat: so probably not
MakenkiKat: yours is a pos
erinlJONES: mine is not
MakenkiKat: I'm quoting you
MakenkiKat: !
erinlJONES: no my internet is a pos
MakenkiKat: oh, okay
MakenkiKat: your internet is a pos
MakenkiKat: *dances badly and out of boredom*
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: argghhh.
MakenkiKat: eh?
MakenkiKat: you sound in pain
erinlJONES: she said it just sounded like wind
MakenkiKat: *type in pain
MakenkiKat: oh, who?
erinlJONES: question
erinlJONES: with your aol, and your magical lightning pictures, do you by any chance have the sound set to lightning??
erinlJONES: cause it didn't make that sound with kristens
MakenkiKat: yes
erinlJONES: dammit
erinlJONES: lol thats what the sound is when you im me
MakenkiKat: do I need to take it off?
erinlJONES: lol no
MakenkiKat: LOL
erinlJONES: it was just confusing the hell out of me
MakenkiKat: LOL
MakenkiKat: wow, I don't feel quite so stupid anymore
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *is still laughing*
erinlJONES: well in my head, i'm still "kachaaaaaaaaaaa" or however the hell you spell the sound thunder makes
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: boom?
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: ^ that was care
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: the bump in the night?
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: wheee..... now i'm going to talk to myself on the speakers again
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: bored?
MakenkiKat: easily amused
MakenkiKat: ?
erinlJONES: yeah this is what i used to do on my moms old computer, when i still used the mic, which was like 4 or 5 years ago
erinlJONES: and i just make random sounds in it
erinlJONES: you know me, you know the random sounds lol
MakenkiKat: *takes on the cheesy announcer voice* do you not have enough to do
MakenkiKat: are you bored out of your mind?
erinlJONES: in my house, i'm always bored
MakenkiKat: do you talk to yourself on a mic?
MakenkiKat: if so.... then do I have a solution for you!
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: wait... solutions? nonono, no solution
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: oh my god this is hilarious
erinlJONES: have you ever used the narrator on the computer
erinlJONES: if you ever seen one
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: whatawhat?
MakenkiKat: *clueless expression*
erinlJONES: its says erinljones
MakenkiKat: which seems to be hilarious, since caroline is laughing (the clueless) and what says erinljones?
erinlJONES: like erinelmujones
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: does she know what i'm talking about
MakenkiKat: no, never, she laughs anyway
MakenkiKat: it's safer that way
MakenkiKat: I think
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: its freaking hilarious i'm telling you
erinlJONES: yay
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: it says all of the letters i type, and the other buttons i push, like comma and backspace
MakenkiKat: glad you're having fun
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: carolines bored
MakenkiKat: poor girl
MakenkiKat: yes she is a poor girl
erinlJONES: entertain her
erinlJONES: it reads the freaking HTML
MakenkiKat: what?! she's the host!
MakenkiKat: does it read my reply?
erinlJONES: no
erinlJONES: i can't figure out how to do that
MakenkiKat: well, that sucks
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: care says "happy tomorrow" she's sleep deprived and hinting desperately for me to get off the damned computer. I'm about to tell her to go to bed herself. She needs the sleep, I'll only need it when I'm falling off the horsie tomorrow
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: lol, she's now getting crabby
MakenkiKat: care: AM NOT!
MakenkiKat: me: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
MakenkiKat: care: don't make me throw ice at you!
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: me: NO! DON'T WASTE THE ICE!
MakenkiKat: NOT THE ICE!
MakenkiKat: okay.... maybe she's not the only sleep deprived one.... ^^;;;
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: good point
erinlJONES: go to sleep goober
MakenkiKat: I'm not a peanut....
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: okay... I'm out #ed... I guess. Goodnight. Keep me in your prayers, caroline's horsies might need a snack tomorrow *wince*
MakenkiKat: Care: namely.... KATLIN?
MakenkiKat: she's laughing....
MakenkiKat: evilly
MakenkiKat: *hides*
MakenkiKat: oh, I guess I did say goodnight, didn't I?
erinlJONES: night
erinlJONES: damn computer
erinlJONES: argghhh
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: lol bout time the screen came up
MakenkiKat: eh? what?
erinlJONES: ok but now that its up, go to bed
MakenkiKat: FINE@
MakenkiKat: !
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: I can't win, goodnight
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: laters
MakenkiKat: Hallo
MakenkiKat: Hi person I don't know
erinlJONES: who am i talking to then
MakenkiKat: both, I guess
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: But she just said she'd butt out
MakenkiKat: ^^
erinlJONES: who
MakenkiKat: you're an idiot you know? You scared me to death
erinlJONES: i scared you to death
erinlJONES: how?
MakenkiKat: Caroline Avery\
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: THE FRICKIN' JUMPING ON TOP OF THE CAR THING!
erinlJONES: LOL
MakenkiKat: what else?
erinlJONES: it was freaking hilarious
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: you're parents smiled
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *safety freak in the house*
erinlJONES: true
MakenkiKat: Did they, I was too busy covering my eyes....
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: they smiled?
erinlJONES: your mom did atleast
MakenkiKat: WOW3
erinlJONES: 3?
MakenkiKat: *woow
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: WHAT?
MakenkiKat: *WOW
MakenkiKat: *kills the 3*
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Kat cannot type
erinlJONES: so, did your parents say anything about me?
MakenkiKat: I can type faster than she can... baka
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: no
MakenkiKat: they didn't have a chance
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: *wonders if they would have*
MakenkiKat: dad was still pissed at the team
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: no
MakenkiKat: i don't think so
erinlJONES: brb
erinlJONES: sorry, had to go get my mom to pop my back before she went to bed
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: now it's my turn, brb, talk to carebear *cackles at the evil name and runs off before she can be killed*
erinlJONES: uhh... ok
MakenkiKat: Hello
erinlJONES: carebear???
MakenkiKat: Whats up
erinlJONES: nothing much, you?
MakenkiKat: Yes its my nick name
erinlJONES: why?
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Same,just thinking about killing Kat
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Because another one of my nicknames is Care so they made it CareBear
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: Yeah but I'm not very caring
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: Shes back./
erinlJONES: cool
MakenkiKat: obviously, I'm the one that can type faster
MakenkiKat: pfft
MakenkiKat: enthused answer
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: *has had too much Dr. Pepper
MakenkiKat: *
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: so....
MakenkiKat: so.... sorry I was in such a pissy mood. The terrible 3 really pissed me off today
erinlJONES: terrible 3?
erinlJONES: the 3 sisters?
MakenkiKat: Chelsey Christina & Staci
erinlJONES: ok thats what i though
erinlJONES: what'd they do
erinlJONES: *wonders if you're ever going to answer*
MakenkiKat: They tell me about how pissed off they are that we aren't winning, or that no one's putting in any effort, or complain about dad putting in Megan or Anna or Hailey, when it's a rec team and they have to play at least 30 minutes for each game.... AND THEN they don't bother to show up for practice, can't bother to call and tell their coach they won't be there, and expect ME to repeat what I overheard. When they asked why I can't just tell dad.... *glares* I'm in the process of....
MakenkiKat: They don't understand that I'm not their FUCKING MESSENGER....
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: now... that's enough of that for a while...
erinlJONES: that understandable to be really pissed over
erinlJONES: i just thought you were pissed at me, more than usual
MakenkiKat: are you being sarcastic?
erinlJONES: no
MakenkiKat: no, I wasn't pissed at you
erinlJONES: are you sure?
MakenkiKat: eh.... I think I'm sure, though there might be some excess pissyness lurking in some corner some where, just waiting to spring out....
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: hm... talkitive
erinlJONES: very lol
erinlJONES: just thinking thats all
MakenkiKat: *grins* what'cha thinking now?
erinlJONES: you
MakenkiKat: pfft, that was my answer
erinlJONES: you're thinking about me?
MakenkiKat: when ever you asked "what are you thinking now?" remember?
MakenkiKat: *rollseyes*
erinlJONES: meh... but mine wasn't a cheap answer
MakenkiKat: *glares*
erinlJONES: don't look at me in that tone of voice
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: stupid line but i couldn't resist
MakenkiKat: 0.0
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: but no, really, i have been thinking about you alot
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: oh, how so?
erinlJONES: i just have
erinlJONES: so, don't get mad ok, but do you really get mad or jealous when Anna talks about me?
MakenkiKat: Anna? um... sorta, though it's stupid to. Basically she just annoys me
erinlJONES: how is it stupid
erinlJONES: and how does she annoy you
MakenkiKat: you're starting to sound like dr. chris.... but, I don't know why it's stupid, it just feels stupid to get mad or jealous over it. and she annoys me by acting so damned immature
erinlJONES: i don't think its stupid
MakenkiKat: well thanks
erinlJONES: for?
erinlJONES: so i'm guessing your parents know we broke up?
MakenkiKat: uh, yeah
erinlJONES: bet they were happy
MakenkiKat: -_- mom took me out for ice cream.... for "sympathy reasons"
erinlJONES: WTF
erinlJONES: weird
MakenkiKat: yeah
erinlJONES: do you hate me?
MakenkiKat: no
erinlJONES: then what is it, you feel towards me
MakenkiKat: I don't know! I'm confused, I still want to be with you, but... I don't know. You don't.
erinlJONES: for whatever its worth, i still like you, but its just too hard to have relationship
erinlJONES: whenever i see you, i want to hug you, kiss you, not feel awkward around you. but i only get to see you at school, or hang out with you atleast
MakenkiKat: that too
erinlJONES: its like i want to be able to go out on the weekends and have fun, and not have to worry about temptation, and be cheating
MakenkiKat: explain cheating?
erinlJONES: if i'm supposed to be dating someone, as in tied down. specifically you, and i can't hang out with you at night or on the weekends. and i go hang out with friends, and if i ever found my self tempted to kiss someone else, and i gave in, then i'd be cheating on you.
erinlJONES: which i'm not looking into dating anyone else, i'm just saying
erinlJONES: if one weekend i just would want to let loose and have fun with my friends, arggh... i'm getting all jumbled up
MakenkiKat: well, you've solved that problem, haven't you?
erinlJONES: what problem
MakenkiKat: cheating
erinlJONES: and how would i have solved that
MakenkiKat: you're no longer cheating on me if you let loose.
erinlJONES: i never did cheat on you
erinlJONES: fuck, i hate being me
MakenkiKat: I wasn't saying that
erinlJONES: saying what
MakenkiKat: that you ever cheated on me
erinlJONES: i know
erinlJONES: i really do still like you, but its just fucked up, cause like, i don't know, i don't want to be tied down, but i can't have an "open" relationship, cause thats just fucked up, and hell i just don't know
erinlJONES: if your friend is reading this, tell her i apologize for my language
MakenkiKat: she hears me all the time
MakenkiKat: and she's not supposed to be reading it
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: she's just monitoring my blood pressure *glares at the medical equipment*
erinlJONES: uhhh..... ok
MakenkiKat: ugh, anyway
MakenkiKat: it's okay, I mean, mom and dad just... they're fucking lunatics that are "protecting" their daughter. Crap... I mean... I can't see, talk, be with you. Or any of it, and we've said this before... I don't know...
erinlJONES: i know. it was weird though today, cause they actually like smiled at me, and didn't freak out when you were talking to me.
MakenkiKat: LOL
MakenkiKat: yeah
MakenkiKat: maybe you should try talking to them ^_~
erinlJONES: i was actually thinking about that earlier, seriously
MakenkiKat: were you?
erinlJONES: yed
erinlJONES: yes
MakenkiKat: do I hazard to ask about what?
erinlJONES: lol hazard
MakenkiKat: okay, why?
MakenkiKat: *what
erinlJONES: i don't know, i just wanted to say that i'm a good person, and that i really like you and i really would like to atleast be able to talk to you, and not having to worry about her parents attacking me, with a restraining order or something
MakenkiKat: well, if you want to go ahead.
erinlJONES: lol you sound so enthusiastic
MakenkiKat: ugh, enthusiasm has worn out
MakenkiKat: well, energy
erinlJONES: i understand that
MakenkiKat: too much being pissed at the 3
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: meh
MakenkiKat: caroline's gonna make me a sarcasm card tomorrow.... I don't quite know what that is, Dani says it's my card that permits me to be sarcastic, and supposedly took it away.... but it doesn't work, cause I've had no problem being sarcastic anyway.... *blinks*
erinlJONES: lol, uhh.... ok
MakenkiKat: yeah... that's what I said...
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *whistles tunelessly* so... back to square one, or have we for once not managed to talk ourselves in a circle, cause if we haven't, I missed the exit lane.
erinlJONES: missed the exit lane
erinlJONES: that was an awesome analogy, no sarcasm on my part by the way, i'm serious
MakenkiKat: thanks
MakenkiKat: I try
erinlJONES: i don't think we've talked in circles
erinlJONES: but what is square one
MakenkiKat: square one... well, the beginning of the circle, I guess, but circles don't have beginnings... *shuts off geometric side of her brain*
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: ^^
erinlJONES: what
MakenkiKat: no, I just saw your reply
erinlJONES: what reply
MakenkiKat: too many little squares with people trying to talk to me
erinlJONES: oh
MakenkiKat: erinlJONES [11:01 PM]: lol
MakenkiKat: that one
erinlJONES: i gathered that
MakenkiKat: I hoped so
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: so what are you doing?
MakenkiKat: talking to cheyenne about the latest developement between renee and jacki
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: bet thats FUN
MakenkiKat: you did hear right?
erinlJONES: yeah
MakenkiKat: what do you think?
erinlJONES: Jackie would be crazy to marry her
erinlJONES: i know ducky all to tell in my short time knowing her, well almost a year now actually
erinlJONES: all to well i mean
MakenkiKat: funny, that was one of the first things to pop into my mind.
MakenkiKat: the marrying
erinlJONES: yep
MakenkiKat: then jacki said something about the word commitment might scare renee, to which I wanted to know what the hell she was thinking about if it wasn't commitment. Unless, to quote the dr. quam translated version of shakespear "to get a little som'thin' som'thin' " easy
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: exaxtly
erinlJONES: exactly
MakenkiKat: ><
MakenkiKat: shakespear is a lot more interesting when it's not chopped up into to the innocent love story, as it was not intended to be
MakenkiKat: and dr. quam likes being frank about it
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat, now they're saying I have a split personality....
erinlJONES: who
erinlJONES: hey can i try somethin real quick
MakenkiKat: yeah
MakenkiKat: when you click "accept" isn't it supposed to pop up?
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: it says its connecting
MakenkiKat: try again
MakenkiKat: oh
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: nevermind
MakenkiKat: "establishing a connection with erinlJones*
MakenkiKat: "
MakenkiKat: *growls*
MakenkiKat: stupid
erinlJONES: i was just wanting to see if this mic worked, i just found it, its really old school, lol
MakenkiKat: mic?
MakenkiKat: like a talking thing?
erinlJONES: yes
MakenkiKat: *grimace* talk about old school, I didn't even know the word *is talking about self*
erinlJONES: what
MakenkiKat: mic
erinlJONES: type something random real quick
erinlJONES: like a .
MakenkiKat: I'm randommmmmmmmmmmmmmm
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: weird
MakenkiKat: eh?
erinlJONES: instead of making the beepy noise, since i have the mic plugged in, its doing this wind in a microphone noise, and i know its not me, how weird
MakenkiKat: that is weird...
MakenkiKat: I'm confused again'
erinlJONES: lol don't be
MakenkiKat: hard not to be....
MakenkiKat: *laughs and quotes* it's my permanent state of mind
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i just tend to find the weirdest things to entertain me
MakenkiKat: Care:It was MY quote
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: me: yeah, and ctrl + B would have made "MY" a lot more impressive
MakenkiKat: *is attacked*
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: hey does Kristen have a mic?
MakenkiKat: *mock offended gasp* aren't you supposed to defend me when people attack me?
MakenkiKat: *rollseyes* the girl has everything under the sun
MakenkiKat: let me ask
erinlJONES: lol i ca't
erinlJONES: can't
MakenkiKat: she will answer as soon as she figures out I copied and pasted, and you did not some how find out a way to answer in some other thing a ma bob.
MakenkiKat: no mic
MakenkiKat: everything under the sun, but the mic it seems
erinlJONES: damn, but i wonder if it would work with her computer, *wonders if hers is better than Cares*
MakenkiKat: probably
MakenkiKat: but her's is new
MakenkiKat: so probably not
MakenkiKat: yours is a pos
erinlJONES: mine is not
MakenkiKat: I'm quoting you
MakenkiKat: !
erinlJONES: no my internet is a pos
MakenkiKat: oh, okay
MakenkiKat: your internet is a pos
MakenkiKat: *dances badly and out of boredom*
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: argghhh.
MakenkiKat: eh?
MakenkiKat: you sound in pain
erinlJONES: she said it just sounded like wind
MakenkiKat: *type in pain
MakenkiKat: oh, who?
erinlJONES: question
erinlJONES: with your aol, and your magical lightning pictures, do you by any chance have the sound set to lightning??
erinlJONES: cause it didn't make that sound with kristens
MakenkiKat: yes
erinlJONES: dammit
erinlJONES: lol thats what the sound is when you im me
MakenkiKat: do I need to take it off?
erinlJONES: lol no
MakenkiKat: LOL
erinlJONES: it was just confusing the hell out of me
MakenkiKat: LOL
MakenkiKat: wow, I don't feel quite so stupid anymore
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: *is still laughing*
erinlJONES: well in my head, i'm still "kachaaaaaaaaaaa" or however the hell you spell the sound thunder makes
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: boom?
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: ^ that was care
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: the bump in the night?
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: wheee..... now i'm going to talk to myself on the speakers again
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: bored?
MakenkiKat: easily amused
MakenkiKat: ?
erinlJONES: yeah this is what i used to do on my moms old computer, when i still used the mic, which was like 4 or 5 years ago
erinlJONES: and i just make random sounds in it
erinlJONES: you know me, you know the random sounds lol
MakenkiKat: *takes on the cheesy announcer voice* do you not have enough to do
MakenkiKat: are you bored out of your mind?
erinlJONES: in my house, i'm always bored
MakenkiKat: do you talk to yourself on a mic?
MakenkiKat: if so.... then do I have a solution for you!
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: wait... solutions? nonono, no solution
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: oh my god this is hilarious
erinlJONES: have you ever used the narrator on the computer
erinlJONES: if you ever seen one
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: whatawhat?
MakenkiKat: *clueless expression*
erinlJONES: its says erinljones
MakenkiKat: which seems to be hilarious, since caroline is laughing (the clueless) and what says erinljones?
erinlJONES: like erinelmujones
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: does she know what i'm talking about
MakenkiKat: no, never, she laughs anyway
MakenkiKat: it's safer that way
MakenkiKat: I think
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: its freaking hilarious i'm telling you
erinlJONES: yay
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: it says all of the letters i type, and the other buttons i push, like comma and backspace
MakenkiKat: glad you're having fun
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: carolines bored
MakenkiKat: poor girl
MakenkiKat: yes she is a poor girl
erinlJONES: entertain her
erinlJONES: it reads the freaking HTML
MakenkiKat: what?! she's the host!
MakenkiKat: does it read my reply?
erinlJONES: no
erinlJONES: i can't figure out how to do that
MakenkiKat: well, that sucks
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: care says "happy tomorrow" she's sleep deprived and hinting desperately for me to get off the damned computer. I'm about to tell her to go to bed herself. She needs the sleep, I'll only need it when I'm falling off the horsie tomorrow
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: lol, she's now getting crabby
MakenkiKat: care: AM NOT!
MakenkiKat: me: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
MakenkiKat: care: don't make me throw ice at you!
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: me: NO! DON'T WASTE THE ICE!
MakenkiKat: NOT THE ICE!
MakenkiKat: okay.... maybe she's not the only sleep deprived one.... ^^;;;
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: good point
erinlJONES: go to sleep goober
MakenkiKat: I'm not a peanut....
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: okay... I'm out #ed... I guess. Goodnight. Keep me in your prayers, caroline's horsies might need a snack tomorrow *wince*
MakenkiKat: Care: namely.... KATLIN?
MakenkiKat: she's laughing....
MakenkiKat: evilly
MakenkiKat: *hides*
MakenkiKat: oh, I guess I did say goodnight, didn't I?
erinlJONES: night
erinlJONES: damn computer
erinlJONES: argghhh
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: lol bout time the screen came up
MakenkiKat: eh? what?
erinlJONES: ok but now that its up, go to bed
MakenkiKat: FINE@
MakenkiKat: !
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: I can't win, goodnight
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: laters
Monday, April 05, 2004
~~Adult Advisory: Be aware, there are some topics children under the age of 17 should not read. Lol or well immature people should just not read.~~
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: i can talk in ebonics and its funny
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: sorry
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: if you are offended by it
Erin says: what are you talking about
Erin says: what are you talking about
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: my screen name
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: isnt that what you were reffering to?
Erin says: yeah
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: refering
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: referring?
Erin says: lol 3rd times a charm
Sara says: cool
Erin says: why would it offend me
Sara says: *shrugs* i dunno. stuff offends you. stuff offends everyone. i just dont want to be the one doing the offending, is all.
Sara says: you dig?
Erin says: whats up with you
Sara says: nothing. does it seem like somethings up?
Sara says: i think you are misunderstanding
Sara says: its hard to understand tones and stuff on the internet
Erin says: "you dig?" is not something you'd normally say
Sara says: things change.
Sara says: does it bother you that i am saying that?
Sara says: i wont. i mean, if it upsets you in anyway, i wont say it any more
Erin says: please don't pull that with me again, the i won't if you don't want me to thing
Sara says: look, buddy, a lot of shit has gone down since you've talked to me last. i've made a vow to try and make people happy and i cant do that if you are going to be difficult and just alway get pissed at everything i do. i want to be your best friend, erin, do you understand? im trying so hard. but if you arent going to let me will you please let me know?
Erin says: i wasn't getting mad
Sara says: i have been trying hard, i still am trying hard and i will be trying hard in the future, unless you say no.
Sara says: oh.
Sara says: neither was i
Erin says: its just your not being the girl that i first met
Sara says: i want to talk to you on the phone about this.
Erin says: why
Sara says: will you allow me to call you?
Sara says: did you get my message?
Sara says: i just called you about five minutes ago
Sara says: im just going to take that as a no, then.
Erin says: what message
Sara says: on your cell phone
Sara says: i left a message when i called you just now
Sara says: unless you are blocking my calls, i would think you would have gotten it by now.
Sara says: maybe cell phones dont work like that. i wouldnt know.
Sara says: anyways
Sara says: the reason i want to be you friend is i think you will like me better now. you changed me
Sara says: also, i just want to be your friend cause i like you.
Sara says: hell, i still love you. not in a romantic way but in a more family sort of way.
Sara says: best friend kind of way.
Sara says: and i know we've already been over this a thousand and six times but i guess i still dont understand why you dont want to be my friend anymore. will you just answer me that?
Erin says: i didn't block your call, i ignored it, and i just listened to the message, but i had to call my mailbox to get it, it didnt' say i had a message
Erin says: so you made a vow to try and make other people happy, does it make you happy by doing that, it never made me happy when i tried that
Sara says: yes it does.
Sara says: im not you.
Erin says: i just want you do be you with me, not do things or say things you think will make me happy
Erin says: thank god your not me right?
Sara says: how can i not be me? everything i do is me.
Sara says: dont say that
Sara says: i dont think that
Erin says: ................sure you don't
Sara says: you're right, i dont want to be you but i dont want to be anybody else either. i like being myself. im comfortable with myself.
Sara says: i dont.
Sara says: i dont think your life is horrible. i think its got the same trials and happinesses as everybody elses
Sara says: well, not exactly the same but sorta
Erin says: i don't think my life is horrible either, whats your poing
Sara says: do i have to have one?
Sara says: will you please answer my question now, about why you dont want to be my friend?
Sara says: i can take it. im a big girl.
Erin says: because i can't
Erin says: the truth, i don't like hearing about your new relationships, friendships, life. Why you ask? because i'm not a part of it, i'm not there to share it with you
Sara says: please let me discuss this with you on the phone.
Erin says: no
Sara says: i cant really say what i want to say over the internet
Erin says: why? cause i won't talk to you on the phone, why. cause i don't think well when i have to say things outloud
Erin says: sure you can
Sara says: you dont have to talk if you dont want to.
Sara says: you cant type.
Sara says: you **can time
Sara says: type**
Erin says: no
Sara says: ok.
Sara says: well, i'm going to try my best to say this then.
Sara says: "the truth, i don't like hearing about your new relationships, friendships, life. Why you ask? because i'm not a part of it, i'm not there to share it with you"
Sara says: you dont want to share stuff with me. you dont even like me, for craps sake!
Sara says: you have already expressed this.
Sara says: i thought we had gone over this part already.
Erin says: you misunderstood
Sara says: i dont see why we cant share things. i still feel you are every bit as much a part of my life as you were when we were together. you mean a lot to me as a friend and i know, i know the feeling isnt mutual but....i dont know.
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: i just wish you could feel more open towards me
Erin says: truth i want to be with you more than anything, i wish i lived in the same town as you, that way i could see you, i wish i lived close enough that one phone call wouldn't cost me like $10, or i wish you lived here. i wish i could see you everyday, be able to see whats going on with you, not just having you tell me about things. but i can't have this, i can't handle the distance, you know that...
Sara says: yes
Erin says: the distance thing is cause it drives me insane how much i wish i could be there with you, i mean it really drives me insane. and the whole thing about sharing, sure i'd love to hear about your life, but i can't, it drives me crazy, breaks my heart. everytime you tell me something new thats going on with you it hurts everytime you sign on and have a new sn, specifically ones mentioning new.....
Erin says: relationships drive me crazy. I can't handle it, i can't handle sharing whats going on in my life with you, why, because i have no life without you, there is nothing i care enough about to tell you. but i can't handle talking to you, cause i am not there with you and other people are, i envy them. i envy the new people in your life, friends and more. truth be told i can't stop thinking about
Erin says: you
Sara says: i dont know if i should believe you. i dont want you to be pissed or anything but i cant trust you like i used to....i guess i could but, things change.
Erin says: no shit
Erin says: i don't blame you either
Erin says: yeah things change
Erin says: one thing i hate the most is change
Erin says: another thing i hate, is how selfish i am
Sara says: no. actually things dont really change. things havent changed.
Sara says: no.
Erin says: your life has changed
Sara says: no, it hasnt really.
Sara says: its just the same as it was. people come and go but that isnt any different
Erin says: the reason i say you aren't the girl i first met, is cause your not, your so more outgoing (or so it seems, from what you've told me), and the girl i first met, i had all to myself, and i didn't have to share
Sara says: well, wasnt it you who always said, live in the moment? i do that now. you changed me.
Erin says: and i envy the people that get to live in that moment with you
Sara says: dont. theres nobody. they've all turned on me.
Sara says: i know you really dont mean any of what you are saying but thanks all the same for saying it.
Erin says: but i do mean it
Erin says: and i know you'll continue not to believe me
Erin says: but i do mean it all
Erin says: you're the one person who has atleast seen me for who i am, and believed it, and not persecuted me for it
Erin says: i've shared that with you
Erin says: i've shared with you how fucked up i am
Erin says: theres no hiding it
Sara says: why would i persecute you for anything? i think you are a wonderful person
Sara says: i wonder if you've said this to others...
Erin says: no i haven't
Sara says: its just me wondering how many lies you've fed me and ive taken. i dont care or anything. you were always good at the art of deception
Erin says: and i won't deny that
Erin says: i lie to myself
Sara says: i dont know if i should say anymore. you think im full of bullshit anyways.
Sara says: dont deny it.
Erin says: why do you say i think your full of bullshit
Erin says: i'm not denying it
Sara says: good.
Sara says: im not going to tell you why you think im full of bullshit cause you will get all pissed just like it says you will. no comments, remember?
Erin says: i'm not going to get pissed
Erin says: if we're are having a conversation, then say what you're thinking, thats what bothers me the most about people, they never say anything
Erin says: comments are allowed when they aren't out of the blue
Sara says: the truth is, im not full of bullshit symapthy and if you think for one second i dont really care about you, you are mistaken
Erin says: then you're one of a kind
Erin says: but then again i already knew that
Sara says: no, no no! you dont know that. you think im full of shit. you always have.
Erin says: no i don't
Sara says: BY THE WAY: no one reply to anything that I have said. If you do it is going to piss me off extremely. I do not like comments from people that I know, if you know me and you read this, its a privilege, because I’m being honest on here. And I can almost guarantee you that no one in your real life is ever this honest with you. I do not want comments, because I know if will be ya'lls bullshit sympath
Erin says: no i haven't
Sara says: and ya'll have no idea how much that drives me insane. Sorry if that sounds bitchy, but I really don't care. NO COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE I KNOW. Thanks. Laters
Sara says: sound familiar?
Sara says: yea.
Erin says: meaning, "hey Amanda, i'm sick of your fucking comments"
Erin says: wow, you actually read
Erin says: lol
Sara says: of course i read!! what do you think i am, an asshole?!
Sara says: i remember you bitching me out a while ago for talking to you
Sara says: you said you didnt care about what i had to say
Erin says: probably cause i was fucking pissed and depressed as hell, and i didn't want to talk to anyone, no scratch the probably, that is why
Sara says: well thats not how you treat human beings, especially ones who are doing backflips to be you friend. so, i figured you just didnt want to be my friend anymore. you told me not to talk to you, and you said' dont talk to me unless i ask you whats going on in your life. other than that, i dont want to know."
Sara says: and that is why i dont talk to you anymore.
Sara says: and that is why you dont talk to me anymore. that is why you ignore my phone calls, too.
Sara says: i see how this is now.
Erin says: cause it hurts to know that you can move on without me, and that everyone can move on with out me, its the whole thing i said earlier
Sara says: your excessive lying almost blinded me, but i know how this works now.
Sara says: you think i can move on!!
Erin says: you already have
Sara says: you are greatly mistaken
Erin says: i'm being selfish again, run
Sara says: i dont understand what you are talking about
Sara says: you completely fucked me up! do you understand that?!
Erin says: yeah i do understand that
Erin says: i know it
Sara says: and i know you dont care at all
Erin says: i was fucked up, wait am fucked up, from someone else, now everyone that i touch, ends up fucked up
Erin says: i do care
Erin says: its like a habit i can't break
Erin says: its the only thing i know
Sara says: and i know you put it to the back of your mind and started dating that caitlin and you probably screwed that up too but you totally fucked me up
Sara says: just stop it!
Erin says: you're right i did screw that up
Erin says: i screw everything up
Erin says: you're seeing it clearly now
Sara says: you keep telling yourself you cant stop it and maybe you could have at one point but now its gone to far. you turned yourself into something that you never wanted to be. or maybe you did
Erin says: i'm not trying to sound like a bitch, but your being honest now
Sara says: i've always seen it like this. i just couldnt say it before
Erin says: exactly
Erin says: you couldn't say it before
Erin says: it has gone to far
Erin says: i never intentionally wanted to be this way
Sara says: but you dont care so what the fuck, right?
Sara says: god. i wish i could be so cold blooded
Erin says: no you don't
Sara says: not to give a fuck about anything.
Erin says: believe me you don't
Erin says: i do care
Erin says: but i can't do anything about it
Erin says: i can't change the past
Sara says: yes i do! its not fun being a crybaby. cause thats what i am, right. a big fat ugly crybaby. i know it. you know it.
Erin says: so i choose not to dwell on it, i guess
Sara says: well guess what? you started it!
Erin says: your not big, fat or ugly
Erin says: your beautiful
Erin says: yeah i did start it
Sara says: you lie.
Sara says: your damn right you did
Sara says: dont forget it, either.
Erin says: i don't lie about you being beautiful
Erin says: how can i forget, when i think about it every fucking second of the day
Sara says: i think you do. i think a lot of people lie about it. you shouldnt lie about something like that. it gets my hopes up and then SLAM!! i get punched in the face when i realise that it isnt true.
Erin says: DAMMIT SARA, you are beautiful
Erin says: and i will always tell you that, cause it is tru
Sara says: so, tell me, who's your next victim?
Erin says: true
Erin says: i don't have a next victim, i am my next victim
Sara says: what do you mean by that?
Erin says: nothing
Sara says: no. fuck you. what do you mean by that.
Sara says: dont say nothing! you meant something by it
Erin says:by what
Sara says: my saying you are your own next victim
Erin says: what do you really want me to do the self-pity thing
Sara says: that isnt right.
Sara says: no. i dont want you to kill or hurt yourself either
Erin says: i didn't say i was going to do that
Erin says: its all a mental thing for me
Erin says: thats what i mean by victim
Sara says: well, what are going to do
Sara says: break your own heart?
Erin says: lol i don't have a heart, remember
Sara says: yes you do
Sara says: you just refuse to use it.
Erin says: in every situation i have, it may seem like the other person is the victim of my mistakes, buts thats temporary. i am my own victim everyday, every second
Sara says: it is all mental for you, huh
Sara says: as is everyone else! everyone hates themselves. thats not any different than anyone else
Erin says: maybe
Erin says: but i'm not them, i can't feel their feelings and emotions, i can only hear about them, and vice versa
Erin says: i feel what i feel,
Erin says: would you rather have your heart broken my one person - once. or have yourself break your heart - repeatedly
Sara says: I dont know.
Sara says: it depends on who the person was.
Sara says: look, after you broke my heart, there hasnt been a day thats passed that i havent kicked my ass over what happend
Erin says: kicked your ass?
Erin says: it wasn't your fault so why would you kick your ass over it
Sara says: i dont know. you were the biggest bitch to me but i was smitten with you anyways
Erin says: i wasn't a bitch to you in LV was I?
Sara says: no. but it was all lies.
Erin says: it wasn't all lies
Erin says: not then
Sara says: yes it was. you say dont ever believe you when you tell me that you love me.
Erin says: when it comes to love
Erin says: when did i end up telling you i loved you?
Erin says: it wasn't until towards the end of the trip
Erin says: i think
Sara says: yea
Sara says: lie
Erin says: but i can tell you this, you're the only one i've ever felt that strongly about, i wish i could have meant it. but like you've read in my blogger, i can't love anyone. I can give you everything possible, but love i cannot give
Sara says: i guess thats good enough
Erin says: but yet, i still know you don't believe me when i say that, so what can i do, nothing
Erin says: good enough?
Erin says: Sara, you have no idea how much i really mean that, i that i wish i could have meant it
Sara says: yea. i guess i cant expect that much from you
Sara says: did you really have that orgasm that first time i ate you out or were you lying then too?
Erin says: i really did
Erin says: OMG i can't believe you just asked that lol
Erin says: but i really did
Sara says: good.
Sara says: thats all i was really worried about
Erin says: WHAT?
Erin says: ok
Sara says: joking! sheesh
Sara says: god. lighten up...lol
Erin says: ok
Sara says: i just didnt really know what i was doing and i wanted to bring you to orgasm but i didnt know how and yea....
Erin says: lets not talk about this ok
Erin says: lol
Sara says: ooo. i found an uncomfortable subject. you dont like to talk about sex, huh?
Erin says: no i don't
Sara says: well, i LOVE to talk about it. its great. i wont piss you off though
Sara says: lol
Sara says: you really are something. i hope you know that
Erin says:what do you mean?
Sara says: you're just great. i like that about you
Erin says: why is that?
Sara says: smart. hot tempered. logical. irritable. hott as fuck. makes me smile.
Sara says: thats why you are great.
Sara says: wonderful. splendiferous. spectacular
Erin says: and what brought this on?
Sara says: the fact that you wont talk about sex with me
Sara says: its such a casual subject and you dont like it
Sara says: im not pushing it
Erin says: sorry i just don't like talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable. and i don't want to think of you having sex with someone else
Sara says: i havent.
Sara says: i just like talking about it
Sara says: talking being the key word
Erin says: ok
Sara says: by the way, you dont have any stds or anything do you? cause i lost my virginity to you and if you gave me anything im gonna be kinda upset
Erin says: WTF
Sara says: just a question
Sara says: i didnt ask you before we did it so i figured i might as well ask after
Sara says: dont get so flustered
Erin says: thats just a fucked up question to ask me
Sara says: why?
Erin says: just is
Erin says: you should know me well enough to know i don't have a std
Sara says: ok. good. well, i was pretty sure you didnt but i just had to ask
Sara says: sorry if my health is important to me
Sara says: look. im sorry if i hurt you feelings (or lack there of)
Erin says: you didn't hurt my feelings, you insulted me
Sara says: i meant no insult by it, hun. i didnt meant you were dirty or that you slept around cause i know you dont but id rather be safe than sorry.
Sara says: look, im sorry i asked ok?
Erin says: ok
Sara says: dont be insulted please?
Erin says: already have been
Erin says: anything else you would like to insult me with?
Sara says: dont be like that.
Sara says: no. didnt i already say i wanted to be your friend?
Erin says: and i already told you that i can't be your friend
Sara says: no. you WONT be my friend.
Erin says: knew that was coming
Sara says: can we be enemys then?
Erin says: its the same damn thing
Sara says: can we be something?
Sara says: no its not
Erin says: we're not anything, we just are
Sara says: so is this the last time i will be talking to you then?
Erin says: hell if i know
Sara says: on a lighter note, how's texas been?
Sara says: good weather?
Sara says: bad weather?
Sara says: any large plagues of locusts yet?
Erin says: texas sucks
Sara says: cool! so does washington
Sara says: hey. im tired. ill talk to you soon. have a good night. kisses!
Sara says: bai bai,
Erin says: laters
Erin says: btw, katlin and i broke up, oh and the one state that is alright, is nevada
Sara says: im sorry to hear that. you two would have been cute together. i agree with nevada.
Erin says: cute together, ha you don't know anything about it, so don't say it, i say that in a calm way btw
Sara says: i know! sheesh.
Sara says: well, you liked her at least, is what i meant about it
Sara says: you were cute together in my mind
Sara says: dont tell me what to do. im a capable human being
Erin says: lol ok
Sara says: hey, talk to you later, alright? im glad we had this chat. it was healthy for us.
Erin says: ok
Erin says: goodnight
Sara says: it was.
Sara says: oyasumi nasai.
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: i can talk in ebonics and its funny
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: sorry
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: if you are offended by it
Erin says: what are you talking about
Erin says: what are you talking about
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: my screen name
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: isnt that what you were reffering to?
Erin says: yeah
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: refering
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: referring?
Erin says: lol 3rd times a charm
Sara says: cool
Erin says: why would it offend me
Sara says: *shrugs* i dunno. stuff offends you. stuff offends everyone. i just dont want to be the one doing the offending, is all.
Sara says: you dig?
Erin says: whats up with you
Sara says: nothing. does it seem like somethings up?
Sara says: i think you are misunderstanding
Sara says: its hard to understand tones and stuff on the internet
Erin says: "you dig?" is not something you'd normally say
Sara says: things change.
Sara says: does it bother you that i am saying that?
Sara says: i wont. i mean, if it upsets you in anyway, i wont say it any more
Erin says: please don't pull that with me again, the i won't if you don't want me to thing
Sara says: look, buddy, a lot of shit has gone down since you've talked to me last. i've made a vow to try and make people happy and i cant do that if you are going to be difficult and just alway get pissed at everything i do. i want to be your best friend, erin, do you understand? im trying so hard. but if you arent going to let me will you please let me know?
Erin says: i wasn't getting mad
Sara says: i have been trying hard, i still am trying hard and i will be trying hard in the future, unless you say no.
Sara says: oh.
Sara says: neither was i
Erin says: its just your not being the girl that i first met
Sara says: i want to talk to you on the phone about this.
Erin says: why
Sara says: will you allow me to call you?
Sara says: did you get my message?
Sara says: i just called you about five minutes ago
Sara says: im just going to take that as a no, then.
Erin says: what message
Sara says: on your cell phone
Sara says: i left a message when i called you just now
Sara says: unless you are blocking my calls, i would think you would have gotten it by now.
Sara says: maybe cell phones dont work like that. i wouldnt know.
Sara says: anyways
Sara says: the reason i want to be you friend is i think you will like me better now. you changed me
Sara says: also, i just want to be your friend cause i like you.
Sara says: hell, i still love you. not in a romantic way but in a more family sort of way.
Sara says: best friend kind of way.
Sara says: and i know we've already been over this a thousand and six times but i guess i still dont understand why you dont want to be my friend anymore. will you just answer me that?
Erin says: i didn't block your call, i ignored it, and i just listened to the message, but i had to call my mailbox to get it, it didnt' say i had a message
Erin says: so you made a vow to try and make other people happy, does it make you happy by doing that, it never made me happy when i tried that
Sara says: yes it does.
Sara says: im not you.
Erin says: i just want you do be you with me, not do things or say things you think will make me happy
Erin says: thank god your not me right?
Sara says: how can i not be me? everything i do is me.
Sara says: dont say that
Sara says: i dont think that
Erin says: ................sure you don't
Sara says: you're right, i dont want to be you but i dont want to be anybody else either. i like being myself. im comfortable with myself.
Sara says: i dont.
Sara says: i dont think your life is horrible. i think its got the same trials and happinesses as everybody elses
Sara says: well, not exactly the same but sorta
Erin says: i don't think my life is horrible either, whats your poing
Sara says: do i have to have one?
Sara says: will you please answer my question now, about why you dont want to be my friend?
Sara says: i can take it. im a big girl.
Erin says: because i can't
Erin says: the truth, i don't like hearing about your new relationships, friendships, life. Why you ask? because i'm not a part of it, i'm not there to share it with you
Sara says: please let me discuss this with you on the phone.
Erin says: no
Sara says: i cant really say what i want to say over the internet
Erin says: why? cause i won't talk to you on the phone, why. cause i don't think well when i have to say things outloud
Erin says: sure you can
Sara says: you dont have to talk if you dont want to.
Sara says: you cant type.
Sara says: you **can time
Sara says: type**
Erin says: no
Sara says: ok.
Sara says: well, i'm going to try my best to say this then.
Sara says: "the truth, i don't like hearing about your new relationships, friendships, life. Why you ask? because i'm not a part of it, i'm not there to share it with you"
Sara says: you dont want to share stuff with me. you dont even like me, for craps sake!
Sara says: you have already expressed this.
Sara says: i thought we had gone over this part already.
Erin says: you misunderstood
Sara says: i dont see why we cant share things. i still feel you are every bit as much a part of my life as you were when we were together. you mean a lot to me as a friend and i know, i know the feeling isnt mutual but....i dont know.
I mean, who da FUCK does she think she is?! says: i just wish you could feel more open towards me
Erin says: truth i want to be with you more than anything, i wish i lived in the same town as you, that way i could see you, i wish i lived close enough that one phone call wouldn't cost me like $10, or i wish you lived here. i wish i could see you everyday, be able to see whats going on with you, not just having you tell me about things. but i can't have this, i can't handle the distance, you know that...
Sara says: yes
Erin says: the distance thing is cause it drives me insane how much i wish i could be there with you, i mean it really drives me insane. and the whole thing about sharing, sure i'd love to hear about your life, but i can't, it drives me crazy, breaks my heart. everytime you tell me something new thats going on with you it hurts everytime you sign on and have a new sn, specifically ones mentioning new.....
Erin says: relationships drive me crazy. I can't handle it, i can't handle sharing whats going on in my life with you, why, because i have no life without you, there is nothing i care enough about to tell you. but i can't handle talking to you, cause i am not there with you and other people are, i envy them. i envy the new people in your life, friends and more. truth be told i can't stop thinking about
Erin says: you
Sara says: i dont know if i should believe you. i dont want you to be pissed or anything but i cant trust you like i used to....i guess i could but, things change.
Erin says: no shit
Erin says: i don't blame you either
Erin says: yeah things change
Erin says: one thing i hate the most is change
Erin says: another thing i hate, is how selfish i am
Sara says: no. actually things dont really change. things havent changed.
Sara says: no.
Erin says: your life has changed
Sara says: no, it hasnt really.
Sara says: its just the same as it was. people come and go but that isnt any different
Erin says: the reason i say you aren't the girl i first met, is cause your not, your so more outgoing (or so it seems, from what you've told me), and the girl i first met, i had all to myself, and i didn't have to share
Sara says: well, wasnt it you who always said, live in the moment? i do that now. you changed me.
Erin says: and i envy the people that get to live in that moment with you
Sara says: dont. theres nobody. they've all turned on me.
Sara says: i know you really dont mean any of what you are saying but thanks all the same for saying it.
Erin says: but i do mean it
Erin says: and i know you'll continue not to believe me
Erin says: but i do mean it all
Erin says: you're the one person who has atleast seen me for who i am, and believed it, and not persecuted me for it
Erin says: i've shared that with you
Erin says: i've shared with you how fucked up i am
Erin says: theres no hiding it
Sara says: why would i persecute you for anything? i think you are a wonderful person
Sara says: i wonder if you've said this to others...
Erin says: no i haven't
Sara says: its just me wondering how many lies you've fed me and ive taken. i dont care or anything. you were always good at the art of deception
Erin says: and i won't deny that
Erin says: i lie to myself
Sara says: i dont know if i should say anymore. you think im full of bullshit anyways.
Sara says: dont deny it.
Erin says: why do you say i think your full of bullshit
Erin says: i'm not denying it
Sara says: good.
Sara says: im not going to tell you why you think im full of bullshit cause you will get all pissed just like it says you will. no comments, remember?
Erin says: i'm not going to get pissed
Erin says: if we're are having a conversation, then say what you're thinking, thats what bothers me the most about people, they never say anything
Erin says: comments are allowed when they aren't out of the blue
Sara says: the truth is, im not full of bullshit symapthy and if you think for one second i dont really care about you, you are mistaken
Erin says: then you're one of a kind
Erin says: but then again i already knew that
Sara says: no, no no! you dont know that. you think im full of shit. you always have.
Erin says: no i don't
Sara says: BY THE WAY: no one reply to anything that I have said. If you do it is going to piss me off extremely. I do not like comments from people that I know, if you know me and you read this, its a privilege, because I’m being honest on here. And I can almost guarantee you that no one in your real life is ever this honest with you. I do not want comments, because I know if will be ya'lls bullshit sympath
Erin says: no i haven't
Sara says: and ya'll have no idea how much that drives me insane. Sorry if that sounds bitchy, but I really don't care. NO COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE I KNOW. Thanks. Laters
Sara says: sound familiar?
Sara says: yea.
Erin says: meaning, "hey Amanda, i'm sick of your fucking comments"
Erin says: wow, you actually read
Erin says: lol
Sara says: of course i read!! what do you think i am, an asshole?!
Sara says: i remember you bitching me out a while ago for talking to you
Sara says: you said you didnt care about what i had to say
Erin says: probably cause i was fucking pissed and depressed as hell, and i didn't want to talk to anyone, no scratch the probably, that is why
Sara says: well thats not how you treat human beings, especially ones who are doing backflips to be you friend. so, i figured you just didnt want to be my friend anymore. you told me not to talk to you, and you said' dont talk to me unless i ask you whats going on in your life. other than that, i dont want to know."
Sara says: and that is why i dont talk to you anymore.
Sara says: and that is why you dont talk to me anymore. that is why you ignore my phone calls, too.
Sara says: i see how this is now.
Erin says: cause it hurts to know that you can move on without me, and that everyone can move on with out me, its the whole thing i said earlier
Sara says: your excessive lying almost blinded me, but i know how this works now.
Sara says: you think i can move on!!
Erin says: you already have
Sara says: you are greatly mistaken
Erin says: i'm being selfish again, run
Sara says: i dont understand what you are talking about
Sara says: you completely fucked me up! do you understand that?!
Erin says: yeah i do understand that
Erin says: i know it
Sara says: and i know you dont care at all
Erin says: i was fucked up, wait am fucked up, from someone else, now everyone that i touch, ends up fucked up
Erin says: i do care
Erin says: its like a habit i can't break
Erin says: its the only thing i know
Sara says: and i know you put it to the back of your mind and started dating that caitlin and you probably screwed that up too but you totally fucked me up
Sara says: just stop it!
Erin says: you're right i did screw that up
Erin says: i screw everything up
Erin says: you're seeing it clearly now
Sara says: you keep telling yourself you cant stop it and maybe you could have at one point but now its gone to far. you turned yourself into something that you never wanted to be. or maybe you did
Erin says: i'm not trying to sound like a bitch, but your being honest now
Sara says: i've always seen it like this. i just couldnt say it before
Erin says: exactly
Erin says: you couldn't say it before
Erin says: it has gone to far
Erin says: i never intentionally wanted to be this way
Sara says: but you dont care so what the fuck, right?
Sara says: god. i wish i could be so cold blooded
Erin says: no you don't
Sara says: not to give a fuck about anything.
Erin says: believe me you don't
Erin says: i do care
Erin says: but i can't do anything about it
Erin says: i can't change the past
Sara says: yes i do! its not fun being a crybaby. cause thats what i am, right. a big fat ugly crybaby. i know it. you know it.
Erin says: so i choose not to dwell on it, i guess
Sara says: well guess what? you started it!
Erin says: your not big, fat or ugly
Erin says: your beautiful
Erin says: yeah i did start it
Sara says: you lie.
Sara says: your damn right you did
Sara says: dont forget it, either.
Erin says: i don't lie about you being beautiful
Erin says: how can i forget, when i think about it every fucking second of the day
Sara says: i think you do. i think a lot of people lie about it. you shouldnt lie about something like that. it gets my hopes up and then SLAM!! i get punched in the face when i realise that it isnt true.
Erin says: DAMMIT SARA, you are beautiful
Erin says: and i will always tell you that, cause it is tru
Sara says: so, tell me, who's your next victim?
Erin says: true
Erin says: i don't have a next victim, i am my next victim
Sara says: what do you mean by that?
Erin says: nothing
Sara says: no. fuck you. what do you mean by that.
Sara says: dont say nothing! you meant something by it
Erin says:by what
Sara says: my saying you are your own next victim
Erin says: what do you really want me to do the self-pity thing
Sara says: that isnt right.
Sara says: no. i dont want you to kill or hurt yourself either
Erin says: i didn't say i was going to do that
Erin says: its all a mental thing for me
Erin says: thats what i mean by victim
Sara says: well, what are going to do
Sara says: break your own heart?
Erin says: lol i don't have a heart, remember
Sara says: yes you do
Sara says: you just refuse to use it.
Erin says: in every situation i have, it may seem like the other person is the victim of my mistakes, buts thats temporary. i am my own victim everyday, every second
Sara says: it is all mental for you, huh
Sara says: as is everyone else! everyone hates themselves. thats not any different than anyone else
Erin says: maybe
Erin says: but i'm not them, i can't feel their feelings and emotions, i can only hear about them, and vice versa
Erin says: i feel what i feel,
Erin says: would you rather have your heart broken my one person - once. or have yourself break your heart - repeatedly
Sara says: I dont know.
Sara says: it depends on who the person was.
Sara says: look, after you broke my heart, there hasnt been a day thats passed that i havent kicked my ass over what happend
Erin says: kicked your ass?
Erin says: it wasn't your fault so why would you kick your ass over it
Sara says: i dont know. you were the biggest bitch to me but i was smitten with you anyways
Erin says: i wasn't a bitch to you in LV was I?
Sara says: no. but it was all lies.
Erin says: it wasn't all lies
Erin says: not then
Sara says: yes it was. you say dont ever believe you when you tell me that you love me.
Erin says: when it comes to love
Erin says: when did i end up telling you i loved you?
Erin says: it wasn't until towards the end of the trip
Erin says: i think
Sara says: yea
Sara says: lie
Erin says: but i can tell you this, you're the only one i've ever felt that strongly about, i wish i could have meant it. but like you've read in my blogger, i can't love anyone. I can give you everything possible, but love i cannot give
Sara says: i guess thats good enough
Erin says: but yet, i still know you don't believe me when i say that, so what can i do, nothing
Erin says: good enough?
Erin says: Sara, you have no idea how much i really mean that, i that i wish i could have meant it
Sara says: yea. i guess i cant expect that much from you
Sara says: did you really have that orgasm that first time i ate you out or were you lying then too?
Erin says: i really did
Erin says: OMG i can't believe you just asked that lol
Erin says: but i really did
Sara says: good.
Sara says: thats all i was really worried about
Erin says: WHAT?
Erin says: ok
Sara says: joking! sheesh
Sara says: god. lighten up...lol
Erin says: ok
Sara says: i just didnt really know what i was doing and i wanted to bring you to orgasm but i didnt know how and yea....
Erin says: lets not talk about this ok
Erin says: lol
Sara says: ooo. i found an uncomfortable subject. you dont like to talk about sex, huh?
Erin says: no i don't
Sara says: well, i LOVE to talk about it. its great. i wont piss you off though
Sara says: lol
Sara says: you really are something. i hope you know that
Erin says:what do you mean?
Sara says: you're just great. i like that about you
Erin says: why is that?
Sara says: smart. hot tempered. logical. irritable. hott as fuck. makes me smile.
Sara says: thats why you are great.
Sara says: wonderful. splendiferous. spectacular
Erin says: and what brought this on?
Sara says: the fact that you wont talk about sex with me
Sara says: its such a casual subject and you dont like it
Sara says: im not pushing it
Erin says: sorry i just don't like talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable. and i don't want to think of you having sex with someone else
Sara says: i havent.
Sara says: i just like talking about it
Sara says: talking being the key word
Erin says: ok
Sara says: by the way, you dont have any stds or anything do you? cause i lost my virginity to you and if you gave me anything im gonna be kinda upset
Erin says: WTF
Sara says: just a question
Sara says: i didnt ask you before we did it so i figured i might as well ask after
Sara says: dont get so flustered
Erin says: thats just a fucked up question to ask me
Sara says: why?
Erin says: just is
Erin says: you should know me well enough to know i don't have a std
Sara says: ok. good. well, i was pretty sure you didnt but i just had to ask
Sara says: sorry if my health is important to me
Sara says: look. im sorry if i hurt you feelings (or lack there of)
Erin says: you didn't hurt my feelings, you insulted me
Sara says: i meant no insult by it, hun. i didnt meant you were dirty or that you slept around cause i know you dont but id rather be safe than sorry.
Sara says: look, im sorry i asked ok?
Erin says: ok
Sara says: dont be insulted please?
Erin says: already have been
Erin says: anything else you would like to insult me with?
Sara says: dont be like that.
Sara says: no. didnt i already say i wanted to be your friend?
Erin says: and i already told you that i can't be your friend
Sara says: no. you WONT be my friend.
Erin says: knew that was coming
Sara says: can we be enemys then?
Erin says: its the same damn thing
Sara says: can we be something?
Sara says: no its not
Erin says: we're not anything, we just are
Sara says: so is this the last time i will be talking to you then?
Erin says: hell if i know
Sara says: on a lighter note, how's texas been?
Sara says: good weather?
Sara says: bad weather?
Sara says: any large plagues of locusts yet?
Erin says: texas sucks
Sara says: cool! so does washington
Sara says: hey. im tired. ill talk to you soon. have a good night. kisses!
Sara says: bai bai,
Erin says: laters
Erin says: btw, katlin and i broke up, oh and the one state that is alright, is nevada
Sara says: im sorry to hear that. you two would have been cute together. i agree with nevada.
Erin says: cute together, ha you don't know anything about it, so don't say it, i say that in a calm way btw
Sara says: i know! sheesh.
Sara says: well, you liked her at least, is what i meant about it
Sara says: you were cute together in my mind
Sara says: dont tell me what to do. im a capable human being
Erin says: lol ok
Sara says: hey, talk to you later, alright? im glad we had this chat. it was healthy for us.
Erin says: ok
Erin says: goodnight
Sara says: it was.
Sara says: oyasumi nasai.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
~~Unexplained~~
Just like that boy next door and your current boyfriend, you can't have both. Most of the time you can't even have one. I used to think that indivduality had a lot of stature, that with this respect came an admiration, an admiration that could only mean exactly what you're thinking it means. There comes this sudden adjustment, and this would most definitely not be the same switch as in moving to a new city, transfering to a different school, or buying expensive shoes, no, this is more like being shipwrecked on a stale island of moving pictures, but you continue to find yourself standing, staring at the current. At least you're still standing. But I'm not talking anymore, as I physically can't-- so you ask, "Are you crying?" and I wonder why anyone ever asks that question when it couldn't be any more blatantly obvious, but when the answer is finally heaved through puddles of unease, it is more subtle in its suggestion, "No, I'm not crying; my eyes are." I blink like there could be something caught in my eyes, but realizing by this point there's no hiding, I try to squint through thick waves in the uncertainty of this lost tide. My stomach burns for attention, acceptance, a's on a report card judging me as a person, but I can feel a pulling away, like I might walk straight into the strong undertow and drown myself. I never tell you this, and I'd prefer that you look away while I do it. I march down the beach, facing a development by cutting it off, slouching down a green mile of my own ignorance, and you simply won't let me. Your words were always harsh in their persuasion, explaining that this is my cry for everyone to turn a head towards me, that this is all plainly about me me me, that it's stupid that I can't put this abrupt reaction (breakdown, even) into a rational explanation, and I suppose that if you were right I wouldn't have admit to it anyway. I couldn't face it then that I was most likely vain, yet aren't we all? But honestly, it was all too sudden and unexplained. Those were years that I want to acknowledge as being the most rigorous, but in reflection, the blow softens, and you really ask what could have been so fucking difficult? I can't express this, in the same fashion that I can't spell out events of even this very day. Your expectation of words to unfold and spread out from my timid mouth is read, but the only way it will happen is if we talk about what we do, not what we did. And in thinking, these events like this might have been better off left unexplained, but their acknowledgement is probably one of the most important lessons learned, next to saving another life.
**Equilibrium**
Maybe the world really can't end just yet, and it would be due to our lack of insight that no one can create an adequate ending. I don't believe in endings, just endless lessons and repeated cycles. I can look at both eyes, one smaller, pupils uneven, dilating back and forth, one is with better vision, and I begin wishing to strengthen the weaker one. I wish I could be genetically modified to be ambidextrous in physicality, because it has hit me that nature didn't intend for equality. This visionary wish leaves an open wound of variability, subjected to my try-hard nature, just trying so hard to be myself. And myself wants only to go out of its way to help you out. We've said that it's only natural to bruise and fix every mishap with a synthetic chemical here, man-made sympathy there, and now we've managed to manufacture disease. But you do realize, this is the sole way to cure ourselves; however, without this manifestation, we would be tongue-tied with writer's block and our minds wouldn't be questionning a god's existence today, so I bring to you my crazy intuition in letter-form to no one in particular or perhaps to everyone in particular. I have seen a part of my ambitious self die in the past years, and I'm talking as if I've lived a long time, but in doing this, I believe to have attained another aspiration. I have decided that I will be volunteering myself as a lab rat, a guinea pig, ready to be injected with, knowledge, failure and the like, and come time to start over, my organs will be donated, recycled for ones in need. I mean, everything is recycled: our garbage, our experiences, our knowledge, even our breath. Usually I try to save it for someone who cares. If no one gains from it, then why bother? I wish legality brought along insight at the bottom of the bottle, because the socially acceptable measures derived from a couple drinks, really aren't fucking working. And who do we think we're fooling? We aren't trying to be deceitful, but a two-faced society only makes sense in the equilibrium of nature's balance, and I just might be seeing right when the floor shifts beneath my feet every time I take a step. I'm wondering if I'm the rat that keeps trying to get through the maze, or the rat that doesn't bother in the realization that the walls keep getting replaced. This transitional phase has me babysitting, and although in the process I soak up tuition from your vomit spewed across the linoleum floor, I only wish it ran deeper.
Random thoughts I know, but true just the same.
Just like that boy next door and your current boyfriend, you can't have both. Most of the time you can't even have one. I used to think that indivduality had a lot of stature, that with this respect came an admiration, an admiration that could only mean exactly what you're thinking it means. There comes this sudden adjustment, and this would most definitely not be the same switch as in moving to a new city, transfering to a different school, or buying expensive shoes, no, this is more like being shipwrecked on a stale island of moving pictures, but you continue to find yourself standing, staring at the current. At least you're still standing. But I'm not talking anymore, as I physically can't-- so you ask, "Are you crying?" and I wonder why anyone ever asks that question when it couldn't be any more blatantly obvious, but when the answer is finally heaved through puddles of unease, it is more subtle in its suggestion, "No, I'm not crying; my eyes are." I blink like there could be something caught in my eyes, but realizing by this point there's no hiding, I try to squint through thick waves in the uncertainty of this lost tide. My stomach burns for attention, acceptance, a's on a report card judging me as a person, but I can feel a pulling away, like I might walk straight into the strong undertow and drown myself. I never tell you this, and I'd prefer that you look away while I do it. I march down the beach, facing a development by cutting it off, slouching down a green mile of my own ignorance, and you simply won't let me. Your words were always harsh in their persuasion, explaining that this is my cry for everyone to turn a head towards me, that this is all plainly about me me me, that it's stupid that I can't put this abrupt reaction (breakdown, even) into a rational explanation, and I suppose that if you were right I wouldn't have admit to it anyway. I couldn't face it then that I was most likely vain, yet aren't we all? But honestly, it was all too sudden and unexplained. Those were years that I want to acknowledge as being the most rigorous, but in reflection, the blow softens, and you really ask what could have been so fucking difficult? I can't express this, in the same fashion that I can't spell out events of even this very day. Your expectation of words to unfold and spread out from my timid mouth is read, but the only way it will happen is if we talk about what we do, not what we did. And in thinking, these events like this might have been better off left unexplained, but their acknowledgement is probably one of the most important lessons learned, next to saving another life.
**Equilibrium**
Maybe the world really can't end just yet, and it would be due to our lack of insight that no one can create an adequate ending. I don't believe in endings, just endless lessons and repeated cycles. I can look at both eyes, one smaller, pupils uneven, dilating back and forth, one is with better vision, and I begin wishing to strengthen the weaker one. I wish I could be genetically modified to be ambidextrous in physicality, because it has hit me that nature didn't intend for equality. This visionary wish leaves an open wound of variability, subjected to my try-hard nature, just trying so hard to be myself. And myself wants only to go out of its way to help you out. We've said that it's only natural to bruise and fix every mishap with a synthetic chemical here, man-made sympathy there, and now we've managed to manufacture disease. But you do realize, this is the sole way to cure ourselves; however, without this manifestation, we would be tongue-tied with writer's block and our minds wouldn't be questionning a god's existence today, so I bring to you my crazy intuition in letter-form to no one in particular or perhaps to everyone in particular. I have seen a part of my ambitious self die in the past years, and I'm talking as if I've lived a long time, but in doing this, I believe to have attained another aspiration. I have decided that I will be volunteering myself as a lab rat, a guinea pig, ready to be injected with, knowledge, failure and the like, and come time to start over, my organs will be donated, recycled for ones in need. I mean, everything is recycled: our garbage, our experiences, our knowledge, even our breath. Usually I try to save it for someone who cares. If no one gains from it, then why bother? I wish legality brought along insight at the bottom of the bottle, because the socially acceptable measures derived from a couple drinks, really aren't fucking working. And who do we think we're fooling? We aren't trying to be deceitful, but a two-faced society only makes sense in the equilibrium of nature's balance, and I just might be seeing right when the floor shifts beneath my feet every time I take a step. I'm wondering if I'm the rat that keeps trying to get through the maze, or the rat that doesn't bother in the realization that the walls keep getting replaced. This transitional phase has me babysitting, and although in the process I soak up tuition from your vomit spewed across the linoleum floor, I only wish it ran deeper.
Random thoughts I know, but true just the same.
I got this poem from BaByAnGeL1712420's profile on msn, I don't know if she really wrote it or not, but I still like it, so I thought I'd post it, here ya go:
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Certain people need to mind there own buisness
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Certain people need to mind there own buisness
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