"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Just a quick note really fast. I ended up failing english. My teacher just told me today that if you don't do your research paper, you automatically fail. I could still pass without it, but its a requirement to have a research paper. So yeah its great finding things out at the last moment. But i'm not as upset anymore, so its all good. I am just trying to not stress out about it all. But ok i have to go to my next class now. I'll write more later tonight, cause we don't have school tomorrow. Adios
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
**Ughhh.....**
I'm so frustrated right now, with everything. I seem to envy people, well one person in particular, one who every time i read what they write, it infuriates me for some reason. Reading about their new love relationships and all that, and it seems to be perfect, altough i know nothing is perfect. I guess its just the simple fact that I envy them, cause they are able to actually be with the person they want to be with. I on the other hand, I am being with held from being with who i want to be with. Like I've said before, damn parents. Not mine, hers. Katlin's parents, i hate them as of right now. Just hold on for a second and I'll explain it all.
So here it goes: Alright, Katlin is a freshman from soccer. Once i saw her, i liked her, then I became the JV team's biggest fan. I would go to their team dinners, games, tournaments, hang out with them during 5th period. When the after school practices started, i finally became more outgoing, or more daring i should say, I finally got up enough courage to talk to Katlin. But I also think that it goes both ways. She did the same thing. Well it all kind of started by me having a JV sleepover at my house, about 5 of the girls came over, we went bowling and then went hiking the next day on my land. All during which Katlin and I were flirting. I still didn't know if she was actually gay or not. But still we flirted. So we were writing letters back and forth. At the sleepover some of the girls kept bringing up Miranda and me, so basically the next week I wrote Katlin and explained to her a few things about me, and who I was, and about my past relationships (some of them atleast), and told her about me being bi and all that. The next friday after my game, we went and ate at Quiznos and then hung out at a park and we talked, and ended up finding out that she like me as well. And we sat there awhile and she put her head on my shoulder, and it was a very pleasent moment. Then i had to take her to the dance by 9:30 at the school, cause her mom was chaperoning. The next weekend was valentines day. Friday night after my game i stayed the night with her. We went to the movies, but they weren't playing the movie we wanted to see, so we waited like 40 minutes for 50 first dates to start. In the meantime, we sat in the car, and had our first kiss. So we watched the movie. Went back to her house, stayed up until like 4:00 in the morning. Then we were up since like 7:00. I went all out for this weekend, i wanted it to be perfect. She collects marbles. She had 1,208, so I went and bought 92 marbles to make it 1,300. She was keeping the marbles in a basket, so I bought her some tuberwear (lol i have no clue how to spell that), and then i painted all over it to decorate it. And I bought her a card, and wrote a really long letter in it, and i gave that to her on valentines day, and asked her if we could make our relationship more official, as in her being my girlfriend. She said yes. Then that night she came and stayed the night with me.
Ok so everything is fine and dandy, until last thursday. I had night school, so i missed practice, i wrote her a letter during the night school. And we had a team dinner that night, so I drove over to her house to give that letter to her, and then i went to the dinner. Well come to find out, Katlin had left that letter out, and her mom read it. HELLO INVASION OF PRIVACY!!!!! She had no right to do that. It didn't even really saying anything, besides that the freshman finally asked about us and that it was funny. And that I miss not getting to be around her much that week. No biggie, well the next day, on friday, our game got rescheduled for saturday, and JV had a game, 2 games actually. Well her mom was talking to Spirlock's mom, and asking her stuff. Which Megan told me her mom just told Katlin's mom to ask Katlin, but I'm not so sure. But either way, Katling wasn't alowed to go out to eat with the rest of her team, cause she had to go home to have a little "talk" with her parents. So she told them. They were pissed. They said that she could still talk to me, but we couldn't hang out anymore, and that if we continued to date, that they would move away or make her change schools. Which they wouldn't be able to afford to do. So basically I've been severely pissed since then. Well Katling got moved up to play with us saturday, she sat with me on the bus, i laid my head on her shoulder most of the way there, we kissed a few times, thats it. People said we were making out, there was no french kissing involved. But thats just teenagers being gossipers. So well we played our game, the whole time I was paranoid of her parents going to talk to my mom. Which they didn't thank god. But the whole time I was also paranoid to even stand by Katlin, for fear of her parents jumping down and killing me.
So yeah needless to say she wasn't allowed to ride the bus back, cause i would be riding back on the bus. But that has nothing to do with kissing on the bus. So yeah Katlin and I didn't talk the rest of the weekend. But yesterday, during 5th period i slept in my car, until 4:00, as i was getting out, the freshman were just coming up from the weight room. Katlin was in front, she gave me a hug. And we walked in, while we were walking she told me that her dad was around there somewhere, which pissed me off. As we walked in the door, i looked towards the benches, and there was her dad, sitting there. I was furious. But i went and changed clothes. And I was taking my clothes to my car, and he was standing outside, i was pissed, I stepped off the curb, and i was barefoot, but I jammed my foot into the ground, on purpose. Later i noticed, it took a chunk out of my toe. But instead of walking by her dad, I squeezed in between a car and the wall, in order to not walk by him. Just knowing that he was there early just to be sure that we didn't talk or were anywhere near each other, really pissed me off. And still does piss me off, lol but i guess that was obvious. But yeah so today is only tuesday, i'm still clueless of what to do, i want to be with her, but I don't want her to break her parents trust. Meaning i'm willing to get her to sneak out of her house, or say shes going to Kristen's house but really have her come with me. But that would break her parents trust, and give them an even worse idea of me.
But you know the one main thing that pisses me off. Her parents told her, that they would rather have her doing drugs and alcohol than to be dating a girl. How fucked up is that?
But ok, i'm done ranting and raving for now, but i think i'm going to go take a nap, before i have to go to school in an hour. Maybe I'll write more laters. Adios.
I'm so frustrated right now, with everything. I seem to envy people, well one person in particular, one who every time i read what they write, it infuriates me for some reason. Reading about their new love relationships and all that, and it seems to be perfect, altough i know nothing is perfect. I guess its just the simple fact that I envy them, cause they are able to actually be with the person they want to be with. I on the other hand, I am being with held from being with who i want to be with. Like I've said before, damn parents. Not mine, hers. Katlin's parents, i hate them as of right now. Just hold on for a second and I'll explain it all.
So here it goes: Alright, Katlin is a freshman from soccer. Once i saw her, i liked her, then I became the JV team's biggest fan. I would go to their team dinners, games, tournaments, hang out with them during 5th period. When the after school practices started, i finally became more outgoing, or more daring i should say, I finally got up enough courage to talk to Katlin. But I also think that it goes both ways. She did the same thing. Well it all kind of started by me having a JV sleepover at my house, about 5 of the girls came over, we went bowling and then went hiking the next day on my land. All during which Katlin and I were flirting. I still didn't know if she was actually gay or not. But still we flirted. So we were writing letters back and forth. At the sleepover some of the girls kept bringing up Miranda and me, so basically the next week I wrote Katlin and explained to her a few things about me, and who I was, and about my past relationships (some of them atleast), and told her about me being bi and all that. The next friday after my game, we went and ate at Quiznos and then hung out at a park and we talked, and ended up finding out that she like me as well. And we sat there awhile and she put her head on my shoulder, and it was a very pleasent moment. Then i had to take her to the dance by 9:30 at the school, cause her mom was chaperoning. The next weekend was valentines day. Friday night after my game i stayed the night with her. We went to the movies, but they weren't playing the movie we wanted to see, so we waited like 40 minutes for 50 first dates to start. In the meantime, we sat in the car, and had our first kiss. So we watched the movie. Went back to her house, stayed up until like 4:00 in the morning. Then we were up since like 7:00. I went all out for this weekend, i wanted it to be perfect. She collects marbles. She had 1,208, so I went and bought 92 marbles to make it 1,300. She was keeping the marbles in a basket, so I bought her some tuberwear (lol i have no clue how to spell that), and then i painted all over it to decorate it. And I bought her a card, and wrote a really long letter in it, and i gave that to her on valentines day, and asked her if we could make our relationship more official, as in her being my girlfriend. She said yes. Then that night she came and stayed the night with me.
Ok so everything is fine and dandy, until last thursday. I had night school, so i missed practice, i wrote her a letter during the night school. And we had a team dinner that night, so I drove over to her house to give that letter to her, and then i went to the dinner. Well come to find out, Katlin had left that letter out, and her mom read it. HELLO INVASION OF PRIVACY!!!!! She had no right to do that. It didn't even really saying anything, besides that the freshman finally asked about us and that it was funny. And that I miss not getting to be around her much that week. No biggie, well the next day, on friday, our game got rescheduled for saturday, and JV had a game, 2 games actually. Well her mom was talking to Spirlock's mom, and asking her stuff. Which Megan told me her mom just told Katlin's mom to ask Katlin, but I'm not so sure. But either way, Katling wasn't alowed to go out to eat with the rest of her team, cause she had to go home to have a little "talk" with her parents. So she told them. They were pissed. They said that she could still talk to me, but we couldn't hang out anymore, and that if we continued to date, that they would move away or make her change schools. Which they wouldn't be able to afford to do. So basically I've been severely pissed since then. Well Katling got moved up to play with us saturday, she sat with me on the bus, i laid my head on her shoulder most of the way there, we kissed a few times, thats it. People said we were making out, there was no french kissing involved. But thats just teenagers being gossipers. So well we played our game, the whole time I was paranoid of her parents going to talk to my mom. Which they didn't thank god. But the whole time I was also paranoid to even stand by Katlin, for fear of her parents jumping down and killing me.
So yeah needless to say she wasn't allowed to ride the bus back, cause i would be riding back on the bus. But that has nothing to do with kissing on the bus. So yeah Katlin and I didn't talk the rest of the weekend. But yesterday, during 5th period i slept in my car, until 4:00, as i was getting out, the freshman were just coming up from the weight room. Katlin was in front, she gave me a hug. And we walked in, while we were walking she told me that her dad was around there somewhere, which pissed me off. As we walked in the door, i looked towards the benches, and there was her dad, sitting there. I was furious. But i went and changed clothes. And I was taking my clothes to my car, and he was standing outside, i was pissed, I stepped off the curb, and i was barefoot, but I jammed my foot into the ground, on purpose. Later i noticed, it took a chunk out of my toe. But instead of walking by her dad, I squeezed in between a car and the wall, in order to not walk by him. Just knowing that he was there early just to be sure that we didn't talk or were anywhere near each other, really pissed me off. And still does piss me off, lol but i guess that was obvious. But yeah so today is only tuesday, i'm still clueless of what to do, i want to be with her, but I don't want her to break her parents trust. Meaning i'm willing to get her to sneak out of her house, or say shes going to Kristen's house but really have her come with me. But that would break her parents trust, and give them an even worse idea of me.
But you know the one main thing that pisses me off. Her parents told her, that they would rather have her doing drugs and alcohol than to be dating a girl. How fucked up is that?
But ok, i'm done ranting and raving for now, but i think i'm going to go take a nap, before i have to go to school in an hour. Maybe I'll write more laters. Adios.
Monday, February 23, 2004
**This is a letter that I wrote to my team last night, enjoy.**
Dear team,
Its Sunday night, around midnight that I am writing this. I’ve been lying in bed unable to sleep, simply because I’ve been thinking and I can’t stop crying. I am having someone else read this because I know I won’t make it through trying to read it myself. I am writing this because I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I have failed you all, as a friend, and as a teammate. I know I’ve put a huge burden on ya’ll. After this trimester, I most likely won’t be with ya’ll anymore. I am 99.9% positive at this moment that I have failed English. I could try and explain to you why, but none of you would understand. But I’ll leave it at this, take the simple road out, I am a lazy, hardheaded kid who wouldn’t do her work. If by some miracle I pass, it won’t be because I earned it, it will be because someone out of the kindness in their heart gave me a break (which would be about the hundredth time they’ve done that). All of this breaks my heart, more so than it already is. I seem to always let down the ones I care about most. I most likely have ruined my future, and my dreams have crashed and burned.
But this isn’t the first time any of this has happened. I seem to have a very self-destructive nature. I always find a way to take myself down. The last month I’ve been living in an internal hell. I was simply fighting every moment of the day to stay alive and to not resolve into self-mutilation. And I simply didn’t care about much else. I have a lot of problems and they all seem to be inter-related. And because of these problems, I’ve never been a good student. But that’s just another story for another time, and it’s also the part I don’t think ya’ll would understand or you wouldn’t believe me. But it’s kind of ironic how I was fighting to stay alive and didn’t care about much else. And now because I was focusing on that other stuff it has just made my life even worse. As much as I hate all of this, but theres nothing that I can do about it. I hate knowing that I most likely won’t be able to finish the season. And that because I won’t get to finish playing, I probably won’t get to play in college. But mainly its just knowing that I’m a failure that hurts the most.
I’m not exactly sure what else to say about all of this. I do know that I’m very sorry about all of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya’ll were really pissed at me. I wouldn’t blame ya for it. I know this isn’t much of a heads up. The reason I’ve been trying to stay in the trainer and well missing school some, and procrastinating in practice, is so that someone else can get more practice. So I’m just saying that I’d suggest working more with someone else, to fill my position. But as for all of this, I do not wish to talk about it with any of you. Just accept what you’ve been told, don’t dwell on it. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to be questioned or anyone telling me that they are there for me. I don’t want any of it. Seriously, I don’t want to hear about any of this. It’s my problem to deal with. Ya’ll only have the stress of dealing with having to fill a position, so focus on that. But once again I apologize for failing ya’ll. I love all of ya’ll and I’m incredibly sorry for everything. But I guess this is all, but by the way, please don’t kill me.
Love Always,
Erin Jones
Dear team,
Its Sunday night, around midnight that I am writing this. I’ve been lying in bed unable to sleep, simply because I’ve been thinking and I can’t stop crying. I am having someone else read this because I know I won’t make it through trying to read it myself. I am writing this because I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I have failed you all, as a friend, and as a teammate. I know I’ve put a huge burden on ya’ll. After this trimester, I most likely won’t be with ya’ll anymore. I am 99.9% positive at this moment that I have failed English. I could try and explain to you why, but none of you would understand. But I’ll leave it at this, take the simple road out, I am a lazy, hardheaded kid who wouldn’t do her work. If by some miracle I pass, it won’t be because I earned it, it will be because someone out of the kindness in their heart gave me a break (which would be about the hundredth time they’ve done that). All of this breaks my heart, more so than it already is. I seem to always let down the ones I care about most. I most likely have ruined my future, and my dreams have crashed and burned.
But this isn’t the first time any of this has happened. I seem to have a very self-destructive nature. I always find a way to take myself down. The last month I’ve been living in an internal hell. I was simply fighting every moment of the day to stay alive and to not resolve into self-mutilation. And I simply didn’t care about much else. I have a lot of problems and they all seem to be inter-related. And because of these problems, I’ve never been a good student. But that’s just another story for another time, and it’s also the part I don’t think ya’ll would understand or you wouldn’t believe me. But it’s kind of ironic how I was fighting to stay alive and didn’t care about much else. And now because I was focusing on that other stuff it has just made my life even worse. As much as I hate all of this, but theres nothing that I can do about it. I hate knowing that I most likely won’t be able to finish the season. And that because I won’t get to finish playing, I probably won’t get to play in college. But mainly its just knowing that I’m a failure that hurts the most.
I’m not exactly sure what else to say about all of this. I do know that I’m very sorry about all of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya’ll were really pissed at me. I wouldn’t blame ya for it. I know this isn’t much of a heads up. The reason I’ve been trying to stay in the trainer and well missing school some, and procrastinating in practice, is so that someone else can get more practice. So I’m just saying that I’d suggest working more with someone else, to fill my position. But as for all of this, I do not wish to talk about it with any of you. Just accept what you’ve been told, don’t dwell on it. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to be questioned or anyone telling me that they are there for me. I don’t want any of it. Seriously, I don’t want to hear about any of this. It’s my problem to deal with. Ya’ll only have the stress of dealing with having to fill a position, so focus on that. But once again I apologize for failing ya’ll. I love all of ya’ll and I’m incredibly sorry for everything. But I guess this is all, but by the way, please don’t kill me.
Love Always,
Erin Jones
Sunday, February 22, 2004
I hate my parents so fucking much sometimes. I hate parents in general. Do they not see how much pain they put me through. I'm sick of my father not being there, and him making excuses. He's never been there for me. And i'm sick of it, i'm sick of his bullshit. We're in district soccer, we play Abilene Wylie, in a non-district tournament we played Abilene High, they beat us like 9-0. Abilene Wylie beat us 1-0. Dad was proud and surprised that there was such a difference the second time around we played them. I wanted to hit him for that. They are 2 different teams, hello. But he would have known that if he were there at the tournament or any of the other games. And you know what the weirdest feeling is. When in the first part of the game your parents and brothers are sitting together, almost looking like a family, do you know how sad that makes me. And in a next game, your parents are sitting together at the beginning of the game, but you look up there later in the game, and they're seperated, and your dad is sitting with his new family. I hate this so much. I hate how fucked up my family is.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
~~So, I've been thinking lately. I have 2 other blogger addresses. I'm thinking about starting to type all of the poems I've written over the last few years, and post them on one of the addresses. But i haven't decided for sure or not to do this. But I've always wanted to post them somewhere. So i think I'll do it, it will just take awhile, I have a lot of poems. Lol Ok so thats all i have to say for now~~
Friday, February 20, 2004
**Sorry this is such a long entry of a conversation, but i just thought I'd post it.**
Becca hearts U: hello
erinlJONES: hi
Becca hearts U: hows it going?
erinlJONES: pretty good you?
Becca hearts U: sick, headache etc. lots of fun
Becca hearts U: look, i'll be blunt. i'm not sure what happened last time we talked but i don't like us not talking and i don't like us being whatever we are towards each other.
erinlJONES: ahh.... so this is miss Rebecca Williams
Becca hearts U: yes *smiles* sorry, i forgot that you haven't seen this sn before
erinlJONES: honestly i'll be blunt too, i haven't thought much of any of it since we last talked
Becca hearts U: regardless, i would like to get this figured otu
Becca hearts U: out
erinlJONES: what figured out
Becca hearts U: i was randomly clicking around on my favorites list and i decided to see if you still had your site going, the last time i checked it still had that really angry message about never writing again. i read the convo and some other stuff and i just wanted to talk to you again.
Becca hearts U: if anything just to figure out what went on that night, why you said the things that you did. i'm not sure what motivated you and if you still feel the same way
erinlJONES: that message, was like in wow, i don't remember when
erinlJONES: last fall atleast
erinlJONES: i said the things that said because they were the truth
erinlJONES: and yes i still feel the same way
Becca hearts U: why?
erinlJONES: oh and by the way, my site is still running, and i've written ALOT since you last read it
Becca hearts U: Erin, know that I am sorry, honestly and truly sorry and ashamed for what I did when we dated. I was wrong and I was horrible. However, that is not completely who I am. That one experience does not define me and it shouldn't define our relationship
erinlJONES: it was just then and no i don't believe that you are really truly sorry
erinlJONES: it wasn't just then i mean
Becca hearts U: and why do you say that?
Becca hearts U: explain if you don't mind
erinlJONES: why should i explain when you won't listen
Becca hearts U: isn't that what i'm doing now?
Becca hearts U: i imed you so we could talk this out
Becca hearts U: i could have left it well alone if i didn't want to deal with it
erinlJONES: you only deal with it, when the time is right for you, its about you, don't you see, everything is always about you, no matter what you do, its about you
Becca hearts U: i'm listening
erinlJONES: lol no you're not, you've never really listened to me, not when i have to say something about you, that you don't want to hear, you don't want to hear the truth
Becca hearts U: i'm still listening
Becca hearts U: give me a try ok, you said all of that stuff about not giving up on people, prove it and give me a try
erinlJONES: so tell me, is it "trying to make up with everyone" day, today?
Becca hearts U: no, this is "reading erins blogger and realizing that if i don't change something that i'm doing that i'll always be doing something wrong day" i do realize that you two have been talking and thats great, i hope you guys are enjoying each other. the convo that i saw before yours and mine on your blogger had her sn in it. i decided i needed to change something in order to make our relationship better, meaning hers and mine as well as yours and mine. if you're going to criticize me for making an effort, go ahead, but i know i am not in fault for trying to correct mistakes.
erinlJONES: alright, you hurt people maliciously, you don't really care about their feelings, you care about your self, when your daying someone you concentrate on their flaws and not your own, you use them for whatever temporary happiness it give you, and when it doesn't please you anymore, you blame it on the other person (because of their flaws), and its basically the same with friendships, the other person can make all the time in the world for you, but you can't seem to find anytime for them, except when its conveient to you (or when you have nothing better to do)
Becca hearts U: ok
erinlJONES: but you have to be truly, whole-heartedly, with all of your might into making an effort
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: yeah, for now, but will you be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day after that, next week, next month, next year?
Becca hearts U: a most inconvienent time for my computer to disconnect me, i apologize
Becca hearts U: did you say anything after my last entry?
erinlJONES:
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: after that?
Becca hearts U: Becca hearts U: i can't promise anything. i can't say that i will always absolutely be here. i can't say that for anyone at any time, no one truly can. circumstances happen. i will say that i will make more of an effort. i will say that if you e-mail me, i will e-mail you back, that if you call me, i will call you back. i will say that i will try harder
erinlJONES: i didn't even get that message
Becca hearts U: ok, well, you've got it
erinlJONES: hmmm... sounds familiar, haven't you said that before? Ahhh.... yes, you have. and re-read what you wrote, if I (as in me, Erin) emails you, you will write me back, if I (as in me, Erin) calls you, you will call me back
Becca hearts U: if you're simply going to critize me for trying, i can't do anything else
Becca hearts U: criticize
erinlJONES: didn't say i was critizicing you, thats not criticism, thats the truth, the honest truth, me showing you a flaw, hoping that you won't deny it, again
Becca hearts U: is that everything you have to say?
erinlJONES: what do you want me to say
Becca hearts U: i'm telling you that i'm still listening and i want to know if you're finished
erinlJONES: sure yeah, i'm finished
Becca hearts U: do you mind if i have my turn?
erinlJONES: lol, what to tell me my faults?
Becca hearts U: to have my turn
erinlJONES: turn at what?
Becca hearts U: you say that as if you have none, we all do, we are human, but that is besides the point
Becca hearts U: my turn to speak
Becca hearts U: i have listened, will you please do the same?
erinlJONES: lol thats the difference between you and I, and its time that you realize it, I know my faults and i accept them, but yeah i will listen
Becca hearts U: if not, then i guess we're through with that
Becca hearts U: i feel right now that you are acting and saying some things out of anger, not all of the things that you're saying, not even most. i do feel as if you are taking stabs at me at times just to hurt me.
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong
Becca hearts U: please remember that you're listening. i gave you your turn and i will give it to you again if you will let me finish
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong and i am not denying anything that you have said thus far. i am simply saying that you are part of a very isolated part of my life. in fact, you are the only person located in that area. i have no other friends from kenny's team, ignoring lily because she and i play together at school. i know no one from grandbury or glen rose and i have no other connection to you except we played together, maintained a akward friendship, dated for two weeks and then went back to an even more akward friendship. there are no other ties to keep us together thus making conversation hard. you must realize this, we've been talking for years and now the only thing we can really talk about is soccer and girls, two things that have been worn out by time, misuse and misunderstanding.
Becca hearts U: regardless of what you feel about me, i can tell you i am not a heartless bastard. i spend the majority of my time doing things for other people, making an effort for them. a half of what i spend my time doing are service projects, the other half being comprised of a combination of soccer, band and school. surely half of my life should belong to me. once again, the fact that you are not involved in anything that i am, that you are not at my school, that you do not have some physical connection to me makes it hard for me to find a connection and find what to maintain it with. how are we supposed to continue being close if we have nothing in common except that we know each other? i'm not saying that i'm not willing to be closer, that i'm not willing to make more of an effort, but think about that, please.
Becca hearts U: and its not that i haven't made any effort at all. i know that we were supposed to hang out that weekend but analise called me the night before begging for a place to stay. she had no where else to go. i invited you along and you would have been more than welcome to come. it probably would have been a lot of fun
Becca hearts U: i also feel as if you have incredible expectations of me. i am not a super human, i am not some kind of genius, capable of being everything you need in a friend. like i said earlier, everyone is human. you act as if i am supposed to magically make everything better. i can't. i can't even pretend to. i am human and i won't pretend to accept that responsibility
Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself. many times i feel as if you would rather not talk to me at all. when we talk online you seem to avoid me, saying abstract things.
Becca hearts U: abstract in the idea of vagueness
Becca hearts U: you avoid the questions. it almost seems as if you avoid the conversation.
Becca hearts U: its frusterating
Becca hearts U: i think i'm done
Becca hearts U: feel free to let loose
erinlJONES: nah... i've never said anything to you out of anger, i don't ever do anything out of anger. I'm calm in the way i deal with things. those things, even though they maybe few, i'd been wanting to say for awhile. And that was all, i didn't need a recap of "why things are the way they are with our friendship" i've been there done that, dealt with it, got over it. I don't care anymore. Yeah you've hurt me, hurt others, used others. I got over it. But yeah, we had plans that weekend, Analise needed somewhere to stay, you invited me, but i don't like it when plans change. That weekend, that day was supposed to be for us, our time to share, our time to talk, our time to be friends, its hard to do that with 5 other people. yeah it may seem selfish, but i didn't really care. You say i don't really know you, but you're wrong, all of those things i already knew. So do you really know me, you know i have a life as well, but yet, i still managed to come to a few of your games, make it to a few football games just to talk to you for a few minutes during halftime, and if i was lucky i'd get to talk to you after the game.
erinlJONES: i did stupid little pointless things, just cause i thought it might make your day even better than it was. I do this for alot of people. not just you. granted these things have been spread out over time and all that, but still, its the thought that counts right. I don't have expectations of you in the sense that i compare you to someone else, i however realize your potential, help pointing out a few flaws here and there, i don't think is wrong, i know you are human. i know you can't be everything for me, just like i can't be everything for you. But you know what statement kind of is ironic, this one: Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself......... This is also about yourself. Don't you see, we play the blame game, thats what we do. the last time i talked to you, i was tired of it, i tried to get you to realize that we were playing the game, but you took it offensively. rather than constructively. me pointing out to you, that you tend to end things based on someone elses flaws, you give up after awhile, and move on to something else (the knight in shining armor thing). But you didn't like me saying that. Thats been your flaw the entire time. Me i'm full of flaws, but i've realized them, worked on them, tried, still trying. But it hasn't seemed that you've made an effort. But yeah...
erinlJONES: i was tired of playing the blame game, thats why i didn't try and talk to you after that conversation, i was through trying with you. I don't understand what you mean by i try to push everything on you. i take that in the sense, of me telling you the flaws. You're right i would avoid you, i used to, i didn't really want to talk to you, either cause i knew in some way i knew you point out some flaw of mine, or bring up some topic i didn't want to talk about, or well i had nothing to say. And the biggest [et peeve of mine, is when people tell me something i've done wrong, when i already know what i did, it drives me crazy, so yeah i avoid it, cause i know i'll eventually snap at the person, very rarely in anger, (usually is face to face when that happens, and it usually always my coach or my dad). ahhh... yes, and avoidance of questions, yeah i did do that alot, i used to not think i was smart enough for you, i could never quite find the "right" answer for you, i wanted to always have the right answer with you. Later did i realize, who really gives a shit, i mean really. I'm not out to impress anyone anymore, i could care less.
erinlJONES: hmmm... anything else.... nope, i'm good for the moment
erinlJONES: lol go ahead, finish typing what you've been wanting to type this whole time
Becca hearts U: erin, you have to accept me for me or get over it and give up. when have i had a bi week for soccer? never because your district has less teams then mine, thus why you get the bi week in the first place. when have i been free on a friday night to go see a football game of yours? never, i perform at football games. i can't control the circumstance of analise. there was nothing i could do about that and i'm sorry. i didn't say that we couldn't try another weekend. i didn't say that we couldn't try and hang out again. next paragraph- if you look back where you took that quote from, you will see that i said that i wasn't trying to take blame away from myself, that i wasn't disagreeing with anything that you've said. also, the best way to tell someone that they have faults is not to do so out of the blue, randomly calling them an asshole. not only an asshole but a complete asshole, stating that there is nothing else to the person. if someone had said that to you, you would have been offended, despite what you say. i dealt with it the best i knew how at that moment. i was taken aside with a blow that i wasn't expecting. once again, it is human. i had no idea it was coming and honestly, you should be glad that i reacted as well as i did. i was overflowing with self restraint. next paragraph- how could i tell you what you did wrong if i had no idea of what happened in your life? if i have no connection to you but the fact that we know each other? its not possible. honestly, do you want to know why i broke up with you? i broke up with you because it wasn't a relationship based on equality, it wasn't us, it was me. we couldn't talk on the phone, we couldn't talk online, we couldn't talk in person. we digressed directly into making out, which on a side note that doesn't matter at all, you were wonderful at, regardless, it wasn't a relationship. it wasn't anything that could have been built upon. making out and small talk don't amount to anything in the long run
Becca hearts U: when i said that it doesn't matter at all, i meant in this context, honestly, you were wonderful
erinlJONES: lol you left a part out on the reason you broke up with me, Donovan. and back at that time i was afraid to be less than perfect around you, which i froze up all the time, and digressed into making out, which ultimately made me quite close to a zero if not a zero. but honestly, if someone told me i was an asshole, i would probably ask why, and laugh about it, and probably agree with them
erinlJONES: and by the way, if you would have reacted to what i said in our last conversastion, i believe it would have been more passionate and real than anything else, thoughts coming straight from the moment, are more pure than anything in the world, just honest thoughts. When you think about what you want to say, you analyze it, often too much, and you tiptoe around what you really mean, trying to not make the other person mad, or whatever. i say you as in context of i believe everyone does that
erinlJONES: sooooo....
erinlJONES: anything else?
Becca hearts U: i disagree with the last statement but i don't think it matters that much
erinlJONES: what exactly do you disagree with it about?
erinlJONES: well with me thats how i see it, i much rather would have had to say what you were thinking right there
erinlJONES: alot of people can't handle those types of thoughts, they can't handle the passion that comes from the person. but i can
erinlJONES: *random thought* Hey Rebecca, this is the 2nd real conversation we've ever had
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: i don't think that its best when i speak without thinking in judgement. everything is perception and often when one takes a step back and looks at the over all perception instead of their own they can realize what they've been doing. if i had responded directly to what you said that day i would have done so in anger, which is not something that i should do because i tend to be spiteful and i tend to have a sharp tongue to say the least
Becca hearts U: it would have ended in me onling being hateful which was not the point
Becca hearts U: and yes, donovan was a factor but would have been less so if we had a relationship based on equality
erinlJONES: but also like i said, i've changed alot since then, i'm no longer afraid of not being perfect
erinlJONES: lol i don't freeze up anymore
Becca hearts U: i realize that, i was just informing yout
erinlJONES: lol i'm not an icecube
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: you
erinlJONES: lo
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: sorry, goofy moment there
Becca hearts U: got ya
Becca hearts U: no worries
erinlJONES: i know i know
Becca hearts U: look, i have to go, i'm really sick and i have been the last few days. i should have been in bed at eight....... anyway, this has been constructive and this was exactly what i was looking for. thanks
erinlJONES: sucks that you're sick, awesome that this was what you were looking for, lol guess you found it huh
Becca hearts U: yes
erinlJONES: but alrighty, feel better
Becca hearts U: i'll talk to you later ok?
erinlJONES: alrighty
Becca hearts U: thanks
erinlJONES: anytime
erinlJONES: goodnight
Becca hearts U: *waves*
erinlJONES: *waves back*
erinlJONES: laters
Becca hearts U: hello
erinlJONES: hi
Becca hearts U: hows it going?
erinlJONES: pretty good you?
Becca hearts U: sick, headache etc. lots of fun
Becca hearts U: look, i'll be blunt. i'm not sure what happened last time we talked but i don't like us not talking and i don't like us being whatever we are towards each other.
erinlJONES: ahh.... so this is miss Rebecca Williams
Becca hearts U: yes *smiles* sorry, i forgot that you haven't seen this sn before
erinlJONES: honestly i'll be blunt too, i haven't thought much of any of it since we last talked
Becca hearts U: regardless, i would like to get this figured otu
Becca hearts U: out
erinlJONES: what figured out
Becca hearts U: i was randomly clicking around on my favorites list and i decided to see if you still had your site going, the last time i checked it still had that really angry message about never writing again. i read the convo and some other stuff and i just wanted to talk to you again.
Becca hearts U: if anything just to figure out what went on that night, why you said the things that you did. i'm not sure what motivated you and if you still feel the same way
erinlJONES: that message, was like in wow, i don't remember when
erinlJONES: last fall atleast
erinlJONES: i said the things that said because they were the truth
erinlJONES: and yes i still feel the same way
Becca hearts U: why?
erinlJONES: oh and by the way, my site is still running, and i've written ALOT since you last read it
Becca hearts U: Erin, know that I am sorry, honestly and truly sorry and ashamed for what I did when we dated. I was wrong and I was horrible. However, that is not completely who I am. That one experience does not define me and it shouldn't define our relationship
erinlJONES: it was just then and no i don't believe that you are really truly sorry
erinlJONES: it wasn't just then i mean
Becca hearts U: and why do you say that?
Becca hearts U: explain if you don't mind
erinlJONES: why should i explain when you won't listen
Becca hearts U: isn't that what i'm doing now?
Becca hearts U: i imed you so we could talk this out
Becca hearts U: i could have left it well alone if i didn't want to deal with it
erinlJONES: you only deal with it, when the time is right for you, its about you, don't you see, everything is always about you, no matter what you do, its about you
Becca hearts U: i'm listening
erinlJONES: lol no you're not, you've never really listened to me, not when i have to say something about you, that you don't want to hear, you don't want to hear the truth
Becca hearts U: i'm still listening
Becca hearts U: give me a try ok, you said all of that stuff about not giving up on people, prove it and give me a try
erinlJONES: so tell me, is it "trying to make up with everyone" day, today?
Becca hearts U: no, this is "reading erins blogger and realizing that if i don't change something that i'm doing that i'll always be doing something wrong day" i do realize that you two have been talking and thats great, i hope you guys are enjoying each other. the convo that i saw before yours and mine on your blogger had her sn in it. i decided i needed to change something in order to make our relationship better, meaning hers and mine as well as yours and mine. if you're going to criticize me for making an effort, go ahead, but i know i am not in fault for trying to correct mistakes.
erinlJONES: alright, you hurt people maliciously, you don't really care about their feelings, you care about your self, when your daying someone you concentrate on their flaws and not your own, you use them for whatever temporary happiness it give you, and when it doesn't please you anymore, you blame it on the other person (because of their flaws), and its basically the same with friendships, the other person can make all the time in the world for you, but you can't seem to find anytime for them, except when its conveient to you (or when you have nothing better to do)
Becca hearts U: ok
erinlJONES: but you have to be truly, whole-heartedly, with all of your might into making an effort
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: yeah, for now, but will you be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day after that, next week, next month, next year?
Becca hearts U: a most inconvienent time for my computer to disconnect me, i apologize
Becca hearts U: did you say anything after my last entry?
erinlJONES:
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: after that?
Becca hearts U: Becca hearts U: i can't promise anything. i can't say that i will always absolutely be here. i can't say that for anyone at any time, no one truly can. circumstances happen. i will say that i will make more of an effort. i will say that if you e-mail me, i will e-mail you back, that if you call me, i will call you back. i will say that i will try harder
erinlJONES: i didn't even get that message
Becca hearts U: ok, well, you've got it
erinlJONES: hmmm... sounds familiar, haven't you said that before? Ahhh.... yes, you have. and re-read what you wrote, if I (as in me, Erin) emails you, you will write me back, if I (as in me, Erin) calls you, you will call me back
Becca hearts U: if you're simply going to critize me for trying, i can't do anything else
Becca hearts U: criticize
erinlJONES: didn't say i was critizicing you, thats not criticism, thats the truth, the honest truth, me showing you a flaw, hoping that you won't deny it, again
Becca hearts U: is that everything you have to say?
erinlJONES: what do you want me to say
Becca hearts U: i'm telling you that i'm still listening and i want to know if you're finished
erinlJONES: sure yeah, i'm finished
Becca hearts U: do you mind if i have my turn?
erinlJONES: lol, what to tell me my faults?
Becca hearts U: to have my turn
erinlJONES: turn at what?
Becca hearts U: you say that as if you have none, we all do, we are human, but that is besides the point
Becca hearts U: my turn to speak
Becca hearts U: i have listened, will you please do the same?
erinlJONES: lol thats the difference between you and I, and its time that you realize it, I know my faults and i accept them, but yeah i will listen
Becca hearts U: if not, then i guess we're through with that
Becca hearts U: i feel right now that you are acting and saying some things out of anger, not all of the things that you're saying, not even most. i do feel as if you are taking stabs at me at times just to hurt me.
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong
Becca hearts U: please remember that you're listening. i gave you your turn and i will give it to you again if you will let me finish
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong and i am not denying anything that you have said thus far. i am simply saying that you are part of a very isolated part of my life. in fact, you are the only person located in that area. i have no other friends from kenny's team, ignoring lily because she and i play together at school. i know no one from grandbury or glen rose and i have no other connection to you except we played together, maintained a akward friendship, dated for two weeks and then went back to an even more akward friendship. there are no other ties to keep us together thus making conversation hard. you must realize this, we've been talking for years and now the only thing we can really talk about is soccer and girls, two things that have been worn out by time, misuse and misunderstanding.
Becca hearts U: regardless of what you feel about me, i can tell you i am not a heartless bastard. i spend the majority of my time doing things for other people, making an effort for them. a half of what i spend my time doing are service projects, the other half being comprised of a combination of soccer, band and school. surely half of my life should belong to me. once again, the fact that you are not involved in anything that i am, that you are not at my school, that you do not have some physical connection to me makes it hard for me to find a connection and find what to maintain it with. how are we supposed to continue being close if we have nothing in common except that we know each other? i'm not saying that i'm not willing to be closer, that i'm not willing to make more of an effort, but think about that, please.
Becca hearts U: and its not that i haven't made any effort at all. i know that we were supposed to hang out that weekend but analise called me the night before begging for a place to stay. she had no where else to go. i invited you along and you would have been more than welcome to come. it probably would have been a lot of fun
Becca hearts U: i also feel as if you have incredible expectations of me. i am not a super human, i am not some kind of genius, capable of being everything you need in a friend. like i said earlier, everyone is human. you act as if i am supposed to magically make everything better. i can't. i can't even pretend to. i am human and i won't pretend to accept that responsibility
Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself. many times i feel as if you would rather not talk to me at all. when we talk online you seem to avoid me, saying abstract things.
Becca hearts U: abstract in the idea of vagueness
Becca hearts U: you avoid the questions. it almost seems as if you avoid the conversation.
Becca hearts U: its frusterating
Becca hearts U: i think i'm done
Becca hearts U: feel free to let loose
erinlJONES: nah... i've never said anything to you out of anger, i don't ever do anything out of anger. I'm calm in the way i deal with things. those things, even though they maybe few, i'd been wanting to say for awhile. And that was all, i didn't need a recap of "why things are the way they are with our friendship" i've been there done that, dealt with it, got over it. I don't care anymore. Yeah you've hurt me, hurt others, used others. I got over it. But yeah, we had plans that weekend, Analise needed somewhere to stay, you invited me, but i don't like it when plans change. That weekend, that day was supposed to be for us, our time to share, our time to talk, our time to be friends, its hard to do that with 5 other people. yeah it may seem selfish, but i didn't really care. You say i don't really know you, but you're wrong, all of those things i already knew. So do you really know me, you know i have a life as well, but yet, i still managed to come to a few of your games, make it to a few football games just to talk to you for a few minutes during halftime, and if i was lucky i'd get to talk to you after the game.
erinlJONES: i did stupid little pointless things, just cause i thought it might make your day even better than it was. I do this for alot of people. not just you. granted these things have been spread out over time and all that, but still, its the thought that counts right. I don't have expectations of you in the sense that i compare you to someone else, i however realize your potential, help pointing out a few flaws here and there, i don't think is wrong, i know you are human. i know you can't be everything for me, just like i can't be everything for you. But you know what statement kind of is ironic, this one: Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself......... This is also about yourself. Don't you see, we play the blame game, thats what we do. the last time i talked to you, i was tired of it, i tried to get you to realize that we were playing the game, but you took it offensively. rather than constructively. me pointing out to you, that you tend to end things based on someone elses flaws, you give up after awhile, and move on to something else (the knight in shining armor thing). But you didn't like me saying that. Thats been your flaw the entire time. Me i'm full of flaws, but i've realized them, worked on them, tried, still trying. But it hasn't seemed that you've made an effort. But yeah...
erinlJONES: i was tired of playing the blame game, thats why i didn't try and talk to you after that conversation, i was through trying with you. I don't understand what you mean by i try to push everything on you. i take that in the sense, of me telling you the flaws. You're right i would avoid you, i used to, i didn't really want to talk to you, either cause i knew in some way i knew you point out some flaw of mine, or bring up some topic i didn't want to talk about, or well i had nothing to say. And the biggest [et peeve of mine, is when people tell me something i've done wrong, when i already know what i did, it drives me crazy, so yeah i avoid it, cause i know i'll eventually snap at the person, very rarely in anger, (usually is face to face when that happens, and it usually always my coach or my dad). ahhh... yes, and avoidance of questions, yeah i did do that alot, i used to not think i was smart enough for you, i could never quite find the "right" answer for you, i wanted to always have the right answer with you. Later did i realize, who really gives a shit, i mean really. I'm not out to impress anyone anymore, i could care less.
erinlJONES: hmmm... anything else.... nope, i'm good for the moment
erinlJONES: lol go ahead, finish typing what you've been wanting to type this whole time
Becca hearts U: erin, you have to accept me for me or get over it and give up. when have i had a bi week for soccer? never because your district has less teams then mine, thus why you get the bi week in the first place. when have i been free on a friday night to go see a football game of yours? never, i perform at football games. i can't control the circumstance of analise. there was nothing i could do about that and i'm sorry. i didn't say that we couldn't try another weekend. i didn't say that we couldn't try and hang out again. next paragraph- if you look back where you took that quote from, you will see that i said that i wasn't trying to take blame away from myself, that i wasn't disagreeing with anything that you've said. also, the best way to tell someone that they have faults is not to do so out of the blue, randomly calling them an asshole. not only an asshole but a complete asshole, stating that there is nothing else to the person. if someone had said that to you, you would have been offended, despite what you say. i dealt with it the best i knew how at that moment. i was taken aside with a blow that i wasn't expecting. once again, it is human. i had no idea it was coming and honestly, you should be glad that i reacted as well as i did. i was overflowing with self restraint. next paragraph- how could i tell you what you did wrong if i had no idea of what happened in your life? if i have no connection to you but the fact that we know each other? its not possible. honestly, do you want to know why i broke up with you? i broke up with you because it wasn't a relationship based on equality, it wasn't us, it was me. we couldn't talk on the phone, we couldn't talk online, we couldn't talk in person. we digressed directly into making out, which on a side note that doesn't matter at all, you were wonderful at, regardless, it wasn't a relationship. it wasn't anything that could have been built upon. making out and small talk don't amount to anything in the long run
Becca hearts U: when i said that it doesn't matter at all, i meant in this context, honestly, you were wonderful
erinlJONES: lol you left a part out on the reason you broke up with me, Donovan. and back at that time i was afraid to be less than perfect around you, which i froze up all the time, and digressed into making out, which ultimately made me quite close to a zero if not a zero. but honestly, if someone told me i was an asshole, i would probably ask why, and laugh about it, and probably agree with them
erinlJONES: and by the way, if you would have reacted to what i said in our last conversastion, i believe it would have been more passionate and real than anything else, thoughts coming straight from the moment, are more pure than anything in the world, just honest thoughts. When you think about what you want to say, you analyze it, often too much, and you tiptoe around what you really mean, trying to not make the other person mad, or whatever. i say you as in context of i believe everyone does that
erinlJONES: sooooo....
erinlJONES: anything else?
Becca hearts U: i disagree with the last statement but i don't think it matters that much
erinlJONES: what exactly do you disagree with it about?
erinlJONES: well with me thats how i see it, i much rather would have had to say what you were thinking right there
erinlJONES: alot of people can't handle those types of thoughts, they can't handle the passion that comes from the person. but i can
erinlJONES: *random thought* Hey Rebecca, this is the 2nd real conversation we've ever had
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: i don't think that its best when i speak without thinking in judgement. everything is perception and often when one takes a step back and looks at the over all perception instead of their own they can realize what they've been doing. if i had responded directly to what you said that day i would have done so in anger, which is not something that i should do because i tend to be spiteful and i tend to have a sharp tongue to say the least
Becca hearts U: it would have ended in me onling being hateful which was not the point
Becca hearts U: and yes, donovan was a factor but would have been less so if we had a relationship based on equality
erinlJONES: but also like i said, i've changed alot since then, i'm no longer afraid of not being perfect
erinlJONES: lol i don't freeze up anymore
Becca hearts U: i realize that, i was just informing yout
erinlJONES: lol i'm not an icecube
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: you
erinlJONES: lo
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: sorry, goofy moment there
Becca hearts U: got ya
Becca hearts U: no worries
erinlJONES: i know i know
Becca hearts U: look, i have to go, i'm really sick and i have been the last few days. i should have been in bed at eight....... anyway, this has been constructive and this was exactly what i was looking for. thanks
erinlJONES: sucks that you're sick, awesome that this was what you were looking for, lol guess you found it huh
Becca hearts U: yes
erinlJONES: but alrighty, feel better
Becca hearts U: i'll talk to you later ok?
erinlJONES: alrighty
Becca hearts U: thanks
erinlJONES: anytime
erinlJONES: goodnight
Becca hearts U: *waves*
erinlJONES: *waves back*
erinlJONES: laters
Monday, February 16, 2004
~*~OK like I promised a few entries ago, here is my personal project:~*~
Sleep Apnea:
Types of Sleep Apnea/And what is Sleep Apnea:
What is sleep apnea?
Sleep apnea is defined as the cessation of breathing during sleep.
Apnea specialists generally agree that there are three different types of sleep apnea: obstructive, central, and mixed. Of these three, obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is the most common; central sleep apnea is rare; mixed sleep apnea is a combination of the previous two with treatment being the same as OSA.
Obstructive sleep apnea
Obstructive sleep apnea is characterized by repetitive pauses in breathing during sleep due to the obstruction and/or collapse of the upper airway (throat), usually accompanied by a reduction in blood oxygen saturation, and followed by an awakening to breathe. This is called an apnea event. Respiratory effort continues during the episodes of apnea. An analogy might be helpful: OSA is like putting your hand over your vacuum cleaner intake nozzle. Your hand blocks all air from getting through (upper airway collapse) even though the vacuum cleaner is still applying suction (respiratory effort continues). The vacuum cleaner is usually straining somewhat at this time, and so does the human body.
Central Sleep Apnea
Central Sleep Apnea is defined as a neurological condition causing cessation of all respiratory effort during sleep, usually with decreases in blood oxygen saturation. To return to the vacuum cleaner analogy: central sleep apnea would be like pulling the plug on the vacuum cleaner. No power, no suction: if the brainstem center controlling breathing shuts down there's no respiratory effort and no breathing. The person is aroused from sleep by an automatic breathing reflex, so may end up getting very little sleep at all. Note that CSA, which is a neurogical disorder, is very different in cause than OSA, which is a physical blockage - though the effects are highly similar.
Mixed apnea
Mixed sleep apnea, as the name suggests, is a combination of the previous two. An episode of mixed sleep apnea usually starts with a central component and then becomes obstructive in nature. Generally the central component of the apnea becomes less troublesome once the obstructive apnea is treated.
**During the apneic event, the person is unable to breathe in oxygen and to exhale carbon dioxide, resulting in low levels of oxygen and increases levels of carbon dioxide in the blood. The reduction in oxygen and increase in carbon dioxide alert the brain to resume breathing and cause an arousal. With each arousal, a signal is sent from the brain to the upper airway muscles to open the airway; breathing is resumed, often with a loud snort or gasp. Frequent arousals, although necessary for breathing to restart, prevent the patient from getting enough restorative, deep sleep.
Symptoms or Effects of Sleep Apnea:
**Excessive daytime sleepiness/fatigue: falling asleep when you don't intend to. This could be almost anytime you are sitting down, such as during a lecture, while watching TV, while sitting at a desk, and even while driving a car. Even if you don't literally fall asleep, excessive fatigue (meaning, you got plenty of sleep and you're still really tired) could be an indicator.
**Unrefreshing sleep: with feelings of grogginess, dullness, morning headaches, severe dryness of the mouth.
**Most people with sleep apnea don't realize that they are awakening to breathe many times during the night. The arousal is slight, and people become accustomed to this, but it is enough to disrupt the pattern of sleep so that they get very little deep sleep or REM sleep, and awaken sleepy. REM sleep is when dreaming usually occurs, and lack of dreaming is also another indicator.
**People with untreated sleep apnea stop breathing repeatedly during their sleep, sometimes hundreds of times during the night and often for a minute or longer. Therefore, sleep is extremely fragmented and of poor quality. Sleep apnea is very common and affects more than 12 million Americans
**Untreated sleep apnea can cause high blood pressure and other cardiovascular disease, memory problems, weight gains/loss, impotency, and headaches. Also responsible for job impairment and motor vehicle crashes.
**Because of the serious disturbances in their normal sleep patterns, people with sleep apnea often feel very sleepy during the day and their concentration and daytime performances suffer. The consequences of sleep apnea range from annoying to life-threatening. They include symptoms suggesting depression, irritability, sexual dysfunction, learning and memory difficulties and falling asleep while at work, on the phone or driving, falls asleep during the day at inappropriate times (such as while driving a car, working, or talking).
ADD:
~~Attention Deficit Disorder is a syndrome which is usually characterized by serious and persistent difficulties resulting in poor attention span, weak impulse, hyperactivity (but not in all cases).
Symptoms of ADD are:
~~Excessively fidgets or squirms
~~Difficulty remaining seated
~~Easily distracted
~~Difficulty awaiting turns in games
~~Blurts out answers to questions
~~Difficulty following instructions
~~Difficulty sustaining attention
~~Shifts from one activity to another
~~Difficulty playing quietly
~~Often talks excessively
~~Often interrupts
~~Often doesn't listen to what is said
~~Often loses things
~~Often engages in dangerous activities
Diagnostic Criteria for ADD:
Inattention:
A) Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities
B) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
C) Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
D) Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish homework, chores or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
E) Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
F) Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
G) Often loses (or forgets) things necessary for tasks or activities (ex: toys, school assignments, pencils, books, tools, athletic gear)
H) Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
I) Is often forgetful in daily activities
Hyperactivity:
A) Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
B) Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected
C) Often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)
D) Often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
E) Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor"
F) Often talks excessively
Impulsivity:
A) Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
B) Often has difficulty awaiting turn
C) Often interrupts or intrudes on others (ex: at school or work and at home)
Depression:
~~Many people feel like they have no energy, and can't concentrate, feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason.
Depression: affects your appetite, sleep, work, and relationships
**Constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension
**Decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies
**Loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity
**A change in appetite, with significant weight gain or weight loss
**A change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening or sleeping too much
**Restlessness or feeling slowed down
**Decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate
**Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt
**Thoughts of suicide or death, sometimes cutting themselves
~~Depression has no single cause; often; it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you. Whatever the cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves.
~~Family history: Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.
~~Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married
~~Women are almost twice as likely to become depressed as men. The higher the risk may be due partly to hormonal changes brought on by puberty, menstruation, menopause, and pregnancy.
~*~Ok So thats it, thats my project. I hope its helped you to understand a little more of why I am... the way I am. By the way all of the symptoms or characteristics that are listed, I basically have all of them or most of them. I believe each of these things are inter-related and each have an effect on the other. A cause and effect relationship. If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, feel free to tell me, my email is in one of the last months entries (specifically December 28th). Oh and if you'd like to know the sources of this information, let me know and I’ll get them to you, but if you search for this stuff on the net its going to tell you basically the exact same thing. But ok I am going to go now, and dread the fact that I haven't done my research paper, and it was due today. I shall go stress out, and force myself not to cut my self. And for those of you who didn't know I was like this, everything is merely an act when I’m in public, no one really cares to know who I am on the inside, the information that is deep within me or they're just too scared to take a chance you learn and feel something new, of being afraid of being face to face with something so dark. People are simply afraid of the things that they do not understand. Its all an act, I do not wish to burden anyone with my problems, I do not want their fake sympathy and compassion, I do not need anyone pretending that they understand what I’m going through. I simply just want people to leave me alone, I mean in the sense that I don't wanting them pretending that they are curious, when really they could care less. I don't want anyone telling me "it will be ok" and stuff like that, you don't know what the future holds, I may not be alright, but right now I have to live in the present, and deal with things in these moments. Thats all I can do. Like I’ve said many times before, I live from moment to moment. But ok so I’m done for today. I'm going now, talk to ya laters.~*~
Sleep Apnea:
Types of Sleep Apnea/And what is Sleep Apnea:
What is sleep apnea?
Sleep apnea is defined as the cessation of breathing during sleep.
Apnea specialists generally agree that there are three different types of sleep apnea: obstructive, central, and mixed. Of these three, obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is the most common; central sleep apnea is rare; mixed sleep apnea is a combination of the previous two with treatment being the same as OSA.
Obstructive sleep apnea
Obstructive sleep apnea is characterized by repetitive pauses in breathing during sleep due to the obstruction and/or collapse of the upper airway (throat), usually accompanied by a reduction in blood oxygen saturation, and followed by an awakening to breathe. This is called an apnea event. Respiratory effort continues during the episodes of apnea. An analogy might be helpful: OSA is like putting your hand over your vacuum cleaner intake nozzle. Your hand blocks all air from getting through (upper airway collapse) even though the vacuum cleaner is still applying suction (respiratory effort continues). The vacuum cleaner is usually straining somewhat at this time, and so does the human body.
Central Sleep Apnea
Central Sleep Apnea is defined as a neurological condition causing cessation of all respiratory effort during sleep, usually with decreases in blood oxygen saturation. To return to the vacuum cleaner analogy: central sleep apnea would be like pulling the plug on the vacuum cleaner. No power, no suction: if the brainstem center controlling breathing shuts down there's no respiratory effort and no breathing. The person is aroused from sleep by an automatic breathing reflex, so may end up getting very little sleep at all. Note that CSA, which is a neurogical disorder, is very different in cause than OSA, which is a physical blockage - though the effects are highly similar.
Mixed apnea
Mixed sleep apnea, as the name suggests, is a combination of the previous two. An episode of mixed sleep apnea usually starts with a central component and then becomes obstructive in nature. Generally the central component of the apnea becomes less troublesome once the obstructive apnea is treated.
**During the apneic event, the person is unable to breathe in oxygen and to exhale carbon dioxide, resulting in low levels of oxygen and increases levels of carbon dioxide in the blood. The reduction in oxygen and increase in carbon dioxide alert the brain to resume breathing and cause an arousal. With each arousal, a signal is sent from the brain to the upper airway muscles to open the airway; breathing is resumed, often with a loud snort or gasp. Frequent arousals, although necessary for breathing to restart, prevent the patient from getting enough restorative, deep sleep.
Symptoms or Effects of Sleep Apnea:
**Excessive daytime sleepiness/fatigue: falling asleep when you don't intend to. This could be almost anytime you are sitting down, such as during a lecture, while watching TV, while sitting at a desk, and even while driving a car. Even if you don't literally fall asleep, excessive fatigue (meaning, you got plenty of sleep and you're still really tired) could be an indicator.
**Unrefreshing sleep: with feelings of grogginess, dullness, morning headaches, severe dryness of the mouth.
**Most people with sleep apnea don't realize that they are awakening to breathe many times during the night. The arousal is slight, and people become accustomed to this, but it is enough to disrupt the pattern of sleep so that they get very little deep sleep or REM sleep, and awaken sleepy. REM sleep is when dreaming usually occurs, and lack of dreaming is also another indicator.
**People with untreated sleep apnea stop breathing repeatedly during their sleep, sometimes hundreds of times during the night and often for a minute or longer. Therefore, sleep is extremely fragmented and of poor quality. Sleep apnea is very common and affects more than 12 million Americans
**Untreated sleep apnea can cause high blood pressure and other cardiovascular disease, memory problems, weight gains/loss, impotency, and headaches. Also responsible for job impairment and motor vehicle crashes.
**Because of the serious disturbances in their normal sleep patterns, people with sleep apnea often feel very sleepy during the day and their concentration and daytime performances suffer. The consequences of sleep apnea range from annoying to life-threatening. They include symptoms suggesting depression, irritability, sexual dysfunction, learning and memory difficulties and falling asleep while at work, on the phone or driving, falls asleep during the day at inappropriate times (such as while driving a car, working, or talking).
ADD:
~~Attention Deficit Disorder is a syndrome which is usually characterized by serious and persistent difficulties resulting in poor attention span, weak impulse, hyperactivity (but not in all cases).
Symptoms of ADD are:
~~Excessively fidgets or squirms
~~Difficulty remaining seated
~~Easily distracted
~~Difficulty awaiting turns in games
~~Blurts out answers to questions
~~Difficulty following instructions
~~Difficulty sustaining attention
~~Shifts from one activity to another
~~Difficulty playing quietly
~~Often talks excessively
~~Often interrupts
~~Often doesn't listen to what is said
~~Often loses things
~~Often engages in dangerous activities
Diagnostic Criteria for ADD:
Inattention:
A) Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities
B) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
C) Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
D) Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish homework, chores or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
E) Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
F) Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
G) Often loses (or forgets) things necessary for tasks or activities (ex: toys, school assignments, pencils, books, tools, athletic gear)
H) Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
I) Is often forgetful in daily activities
Hyperactivity:
A) Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
B) Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected
C) Often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)
D) Often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
E) Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor"
F) Often talks excessively
Impulsivity:
A) Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
B) Often has difficulty awaiting turn
C) Often interrupts or intrudes on others (ex: at school or work and at home)
Depression:
~~Many people feel like they have no energy, and can't concentrate, feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason.
Depression: affects your appetite, sleep, work, and relationships
**Constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension
**Decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies
**Loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity
**A change in appetite, with significant weight gain or weight loss
**A change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening or sleeping too much
**Restlessness or feeling slowed down
**Decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate
**Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt
**Thoughts of suicide or death, sometimes cutting themselves
~~Depression has no single cause; often; it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you. Whatever the cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves.
~~Family history: Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.
~~Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married
~~Women are almost twice as likely to become depressed as men. The higher the risk may be due partly to hormonal changes brought on by puberty, menstruation, menopause, and pregnancy.
~*~Ok So thats it, thats my project. I hope its helped you to understand a little more of why I am... the way I am. By the way all of the symptoms or characteristics that are listed, I basically have all of them or most of them. I believe each of these things are inter-related and each have an effect on the other. A cause and effect relationship. If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, feel free to tell me, my email is in one of the last months entries (specifically December 28th). Oh and if you'd like to know the sources of this information, let me know and I’ll get them to you, but if you search for this stuff on the net its going to tell you basically the exact same thing. But ok I am going to go now, and dread the fact that I haven't done my research paper, and it was due today. I shall go stress out, and force myself not to cut my self. And for those of you who didn't know I was like this, everything is merely an act when I’m in public, no one really cares to know who I am on the inside, the information that is deep within me or they're just too scared to take a chance you learn and feel something new, of being afraid of being face to face with something so dark. People are simply afraid of the things that they do not understand. Its all an act, I do not wish to burden anyone with my problems, I do not want their fake sympathy and compassion, I do not need anyone pretending that they understand what I’m going through. I simply just want people to leave me alone, I mean in the sense that I don't wanting them pretending that they are curious, when really they could care less. I don't want anyone telling me "it will be ok" and stuff like that, you don't know what the future holds, I may not be alright, but right now I have to live in the present, and deal with things in these moments. Thats all I can do. Like I’ve said many times before, I live from moment to moment. But ok so I’m done for today. I'm going now, talk to ya laters.~*~
Sunday, February 15, 2004
~~Damn Me.... I still haven't done my fucking rouch draft for my research paper. One was due monday and the other was due friday. Our final copy or final paper is due tomorrow. And I only have about a page written out of a 8 page paper. Ok so well, I better go, so maybe i'll work on it, i think i'll have to isolate myself in my brothers room again. *sighs* Damn ME!!!!! I hate being me sometimes~~
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
~~Just wanted to share some kickass songs with ya'll~~
Ryan Cabrera:
"True"
I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm
I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!
[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
Ryan Cabrera:
"On the Way Down"
Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Tripping over myself, going nowhere
Waiting, suffocating, no direction
I took a dive and
[CHORUS]
On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you
Been wondering why it's only me
Have you always been inside waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yet, I'm alive 'cuz
[CHORUS]
I want to fade, I'm going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, nothing
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
(down, down, down)
You're all I needed
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed
And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted, all that I needed and now
Ryan Cabrera:
"Let's Take Our Time"
I want to give your body the attention it deserves
I want to take a thrill get you in the mood
'Cuz the clock's not gonna turn
We've been waiting for a couple weeks and I know we shouldn't rush
There's no one here but us
[Chorus]
I don't want this to die
Don't want to ever forget this night
To hurry you would be a crime
Let's take our time
Something's so right when I hold you
I don't ever want to let you go
When you whisper in my ear the things you want to do
The sensation starts to grow
I dreamt about it every day and night
Never thought that it would come true
Now it's just me and you
Ryan Cabrera:
"True"
I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm
I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!
[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
Ryan Cabrera:
"On the Way Down"
Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Tripping over myself, going nowhere
Waiting, suffocating, no direction
I took a dive and
[CHORUS]
On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you
Been wondering why it's only me
Have you always been inside waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yet, I'm alive 'cuz
[CHORUS]
I want to fade, I'm going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, nothing
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
(down, down, down)
You're all I needed
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed
And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted, all that I needed and now
Ryan Cabrera:
"Let's Take Our Time"
I want to give your body the attention it deserves
I want to take a thrill get you in the mood
'Cuz the clock's not gonna turn
We've been waiting for a couple weeks and I know we shouldn't rush
There's no one here but us
[Chorus]
I don't want this to die
Don't want to ever forget this night
To hurry you would be a crime
Let's take our time
Something's so right when I hold you
I don't ever want to let you go
When you whisper in my ear the things you want to do
The sensation starts to grow
I dreamt about it every day and night
Never thought that it would come true
Now it's just me and you
Monday, February 09, 2004
~~Have you ever paid close attention to your body. The touch, the feel of it, just simply knowing the outline of your own skin. I was just thinking of the way it feels when I run my hand over my foot, feeling the curves of it, feeling the little bumps that our my veins, feeling the bones. All very sensational, when you simply take the moment to take a little more notice into them. What can i say, I like my feet. I also feel the same about my hands. Lol sorry random thought, random post~~
Friday, February 06, 2004
**Laptops are a pain in the ass, i don't know why any one would want one, they're so hard to type on.**
So I was going to type while I wait for school to get over with, but yeah the laptop is really frustrating to use. So... today has been extremely long, and i've had a headache since yesterday morning, and its really bothering me. I feel as if my equilibrium is off, like when i move my head to fast, or look around the room, it feels weird, perhaps its the headache. It just makes me feel sick or something. I'm just tired in general. I found out today during 1st period that our rough draft for our research paper, including the outline, is due on monday. And i have a game tonight, and I'm going to leave at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow to go with Kim to go to Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I don't think i'll be back until late sunday night, and I'm probably going to die from sleep deprevation or well just die from being so damn tired or from stress. Oh yeah i finished writing my personal project thing i was writing about in my last entry. But i haven't typed it yet, but I also am going to include a letter to my teacher, not a bad one, but just a letter to kind of explain my reasons for my project and all that good stuff. But who knows what will happen after this weekend. But yeah i'm going to go talk to someone now, so i think i shall go. And get ready for my game, laters.
So I was going to type while I wait for school to get over with, but yeah the laptop is really frustrating to use. So... today has been extremely long, and i've had a headache since yesterday morning, and its really bothering me. I feel as if my equilibrium is off, like when i move my head to fast, or look around the room, it feels weird, perhaps its the headache. It just makes me feel sick or something. I'm just tired in general. I found out today during 1st period that our rough draft for our research paper, including the outline, is due on monday. And i have a game tonight, and I'm going to leave at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow to go with Kim to go to Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I don't think i'll be back until late sunday night, and I'm probably going to die from sleep deprevation or well just die from being so damn tired or from stress. Oh yeah i finished writing my personal project thing i was writing about in my last entry. But i haven't typed it yet, but I also am going to include a letter to my teacher, not a bad one, but just a letter to kind of explain my reasons for my project and all that good stuff. But who knows what will happen after this weekend. But yeah i'm going to go talk to someone now, so i think i shall go. And get ready for my game, laters.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
**I fight an everyday battle with my inner demons. Will it be an eternal war? I hope not.**
Sorry I'd emphasize (sp?) on that but i don't really have time at the moment. But lets just say this is a personal project that i'm working on, or a personal puzzle that i'm putting together. Lol in simplar terms, I've just recently figured out alot of stuff or precise reasons of why I am the way I'm am (my problems, lol) and I'm currently writing a paper (kind of) in order to explain this to people. And I actually have real information of what I'm talking about. So well you'll understand when I post it when i'm done, but it probably won't be up until next week. Cause I'm going to Tulsa with Kim this weekend. But ok I'm exhausted and I have a game tomorrow, so I must go, Laters----Erin
Enigma:
"Return to Innocence"
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence
If you want, then laugh
If you must, then cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Sorry I'd emphasize (sp?) on that but i don't really have time at the moment. But lets just say this is a personal project that i'm working on, or a personal puzzle that i'm putting together. Lol in simplar terms, I've just recently figured out alot of stuff or precise reasons of why I am the way I'm am (my problems, lol) and I'm currently writing a paper (kind of) in order to explain this to people. And I actually have real information of what I'm talking about. So well you'll understand when I post it when i'm done, but it probably won't be up until next week. Cause I'm going to Tulsa with Kim this weekend. But ok I'm exhausted and I have a game tomorrow, so I must go, Laters----Erin
Enigma:
"Return to Innocence"
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence
If you want, then laugh
If you must, then cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
~~Conversation that helps explain me a little more to those of you who don't know much about me, and my......problems. Lol. But seriously, this is me ranting about my school situations.~~
erinlJONES: yo, just wanted to say hey real quick
ForcesOfNature05: haha yo
erinlJONES: but if you're still laying down, then stay there
ForcesOfNature05: i just got up... took like a 2minute nap it was fun haha
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: how was your day?
ForcesOfNature05: it was alright, been doing a paper all day grr
erinlJONES: papers sucks
erinlJONES: - the s
ForcesOfNature05: haha word
ForcesOfNature05: how was your day?
erinlJONES: pretty shitty actually, then after practice was over it got better
ForcesOfNature05: oh
ForcesOfNature05: boo what happened?
ForcesOfNature05: :_/
ForcesOfNature05: *:-erinlJONES: meh.. crap school
erinlJONES: thats basically it, just school, teachers hating me cause of all my problems lol, which they can't figure out. my coach wouldn't let me go watch our jv team play...again. just frustrating
erinlJONES: thats all
ForcesOfNature05: ohh
erinlJONES: lol oh and my phone screwed up again
erinlJONES: but its all good now
erinlJONES: brb
ForcesOfNature05: k
erinlJONES: lol sorry my bro wants me to help him with something, but in the meantime, you should come up with something to tell me, anything at all
ForcesOfNature05: brb lol
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: it may seem weird, but frustrating people is fun
ForcesOfNature05: lol wow on blocking
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: yepyep
erinlJONES: sorry its fun
ForcesOfNature05: hmmm
ForcesOfNature05: heh my mom was on the phone with me sowwy bout that
erinlJONES: its all good
ForcesOfNature05: okay yes i do have a lot to say and ask hehe
erinlJONES: alrighty feel free
ForcesOfNature05: okay s you are still blocked? :-P I figure you didnt go her game?
erinlJONES: lol no i'm not blocked, no i didn't go
ForcesOfNature05: oh okay
erinlJONES: anything else
erinlJONES: ?
ForcesOfNature05: blah my back still hurts a bit
erinlJONES: that sucks
ForcesOfNature05: i know
Auto response from ForcesOfNature05: Yay, *one time on the internet* i got blocked by a supposed friend. It was entertaining. Lol and no i'm not going to take this message off. just wanted to get your attention
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: copycat
ForcesOfNature05: you got.. problems?
ForcesOfNature05: *catching up on past said stuff haha*
ForcesOfNature05: haha what? copycat?
erinlJONES: *still clueless*
ForcesOfNature05: oh you said the teachers couldn't handle your problems
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: well they wouldn't understand them if i told them, or they'd just think i was making stuff up
erinlJONES: thats how it always goes
ForcesOfNature05: ohh
ForcesOfNature05: what do you have? if it's okay to ask
erinlJONES: lol you could name it all
ForcesOfNature05: add? adhd? bipolar? maniac depressive? hmmm... there are a lot of letters that mean stuff hehe i just can't remember them
erinlJONES: depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, insomia, very much ADD
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: and well just random bullshit, that all just adds up
ForcesOfNature05: wow you sound like one of my ex-gf's
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i'm not all that problematic, just when it comes to school work
erinlJONES: i just randomly fall asleep during class and it pisses me teachers off or i randomly look around the room cause i can't stay focuse, when i have homework i don't do it, cause i get too distracted at home to do it, if i do manage doing homework its cause i've secluded myself somewhere in the house where there are no sounds or nothing to look at
erinlJONES: lol think i'm a psycho?
ForcesOfNature05: maybe I
ForcesOfNature05: *I'm a bit add haha
erinlJONES: i think everyone is
erinlJONES: but i've got it real bad, i've never been diagnosed with it, but my older brother has it, my mom is going to get me an appointment for the doctor soon to see about all of this stuff. cause its effecting my grades badly
erinlJONES: but the depression and anxiety part has already been fixed basically
ForcesOfNature05: hmmm you really should... it could be worse
ForcesOfNature05: I have had a few friends with ADD... the meds I dunno..
ForcesOfNature05: I can't say I go for them.. it takes their spark sometimes
erinlJONES: true
ForcesOfNature05: but smetimes you gotta do what you gotta do
erinlJONES: my bro took ritalin for a longtime and it messed him up the entire time, emotionally wise, true
erinlJONES: i'm basically great with everything, just chemical imbalances (depression, which i never believe that theory until this year) which has been fixed lol, and the other stuff well, just helps me be a bad student
erinlJONES: always have been a bad student, but i've always rather have my teachers think i'm a lazy brat rather than someone who is stupid and doesn't understand
erinlJONES: well i understand just on my own terms
erinlJONES: the teachers have to grab my attention and that just doesn't happen that often
ForcesOfNature05: yeah
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: wow rambling
ForcesOfNature05: lol it's okay
ForcesOfNature05: have you not heard me babble yet? :-P
erinlJONES: lol not really
ForcesOfNature05: cause if not then you shall see.. haha
erinlJONES: ok good
erinlJONES: lol
ForcesOfNature05: one day we'll talk music haha
erinlJONES: sounds good to me
ForcesOfNature05: but yeah, teachers that can actually get your attention in any case are rare because good teachers ar rare
erinlJONES: exactly
erinlJONES: and the teacher that is giving me problems right now, insists on doing 3 chapters a week of accounting which takes awhile to do. And leaves it to us to do it basically all ourselves, unless we go stand in a line with 5 other people at her desk. Then feel rushed when you ask the question, she can tell you 5 things, and by the time i get back to my desk i only remember 1 or 2 cause i was so panicked. or she is only paying attention to her UIL kids (the super smart kids that compete) which pisses me off majorly
ForcesOfNature05: that's really weird
ForcesOfNature05: that's a bad teacher, right there o_O
erinlJONES: yeah exactly
erinlJONES: like i said before, frustrating
ForcesOfNature05: truly, I'm sorry you have such a crappy teacher
erinlJONES: lol not your problem
erinlJONES: ok really, sorry to do this, but i must go
erinlJONES: i only intending to stay and talk for a sec, but you seem to keep me talking forever:-)
ForcesOfNature05: LOL
erinlJONES: i need some sleep
ForcesOfNature05: oh I see it's MY fault :0-p
ForcesOfNature05: *:-P
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: yepyep
ForcesOfNature05: *laughs*
ForcesOfNature05: you're funny *thumbs up*
ForcesOfNature05: :-P
erinlJONES: lol i know
erinlJONES: j/k
ForcesOfNature05: haha
ForcesOfNature05: funny looking! ;-) *jk
erinlJONES: exactly
ForcesOfNature05: *nods*
erinlJONES: ok but seriously this time, i must go
ForcesOfNature05: well, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :-)
erinlJONES: i believe it will be
ForcesOfNature05: *nods nods*
erinlJONES: alrighty, so i will talk to you later then
ForcesOfNature05: night night, sleep well *waves*
erinlJONES: *waves back* goodnight
Well thats all Folks!!!!!
erinlJONES: yo, just wanted to say hey real quick
ForcesOfNature05: haha yo
erinlJONES: but if you're still laying down, then stay there
ForcesOfNature05: i just got up... took like a 2minute nap it was fun haha
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: how was your day?
ForcesOfNature05: it was alright, been doing a paper all day grr
erinlJONES: papers sucks
erinlJONES: - the s
ForcesOfNature05: haha word
ForcesOfNature05: how was your day?
erinlJONES: pretty shitty actually, then after practice was over it got better
ForcesOfNature05: oh
ForcesOfNature05: boo what happened?
ForcesOfNature05: :_/
ForcesOfNature05: *:-erinlJONES: meh.. crap school
erinlJONES: thats basically it, just school, teachers hating me cause of all my problems lol, which they can't figure out. my coach wouldn't let me go watch our jv team play...again. just frustrating
erinlJONES: thats all
ForcesOfNature05: ohh
erinlJONES: lol oh and my phone screwed up again
erinlJONES: but its all good now
erinlJONES: brb
ForcesOfNature05: k
erinlJONES: lol sorry my bro wants me to help him with something, but in the meantime, you should come up with something to tell me, anything at all
ForcesOfNature05: brb lol
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: it may seem weird, but frustrating people is fun
ForcesOfNature05: lol wow on blocking
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: yepyep
erinlJONES: sorry its fun
ForcesOfNature05: hmmm
ForcesOfNature05: heh my mom was on the phone with me sowwy bout that
erinlJONES: its all good
ForcesOfNature05: okay yes i do have a lot to say and ask hehe
erinlJONES: alrighty feel free
ForcesOfNature05: okay s you are still blocked? :-P I figure you didnt go her game?
erinlJONES: lol no i'm not blocked, no i didn't go
ForcesOfNature05: oh okay
erinlJONES: anything else
erinlJONES: ?
ForcesOfNature05: blah my back still hurts a bit
erinlJONES: that sucks
ForcesOfNature05: i know
Auto response from ForcesOfNature05: Yay, *one time on the internet* i got blocked by a supposed friend. It was entertaining. Lol and no i'm not going to take this message off. just wanted to get your attention
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: copycat
ForcesOfNature05: you got.. problems?
ForcesOfNature05: *catching up on past said stuff haha*
ForcesOfNature05: haha what? copycat?
erinlJONES: *still clueless*
ForcesOfNature05: oh you said the teachers couldn't handle your problems
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: well they wouldn't understand them if i told them, or they'd just think i was making stuff up
erinlJONES: thats how it always goes
ForcesOfNature05: ohh
ForcesOfNature05: what do you have? if it's okay to ask
erinlJONES: lol you could name it all
ForcesOfNature05: add? adhd? bipolar? maniac depressive? hmmm... there are a lot of letters that mean stuff hehe i just can't remember them
erinlJONES: depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, insomia, very much ADD
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: and well just random bullshit, that all just adds up
ForcesOfNature05: wow you sound like one of my ex-gf's
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i'm not all that problematic, just when it comes to school work
erinlJONES: i just randomly fall asleep during class and it pisses me teachers off or i randomly look around the room cause i can't stay focuse, when i have homework i don't do it, cause i get too distracted at home to do it, if i do manage doing homework its cause i've secluded myself somewhere in the house where there are no sounds or nothing to look at
erinlJONES: lol think i'm a psycho?
ForcesOfNature05: maybe I
ForcesOfNature05: *I'm a bit add haha
erinlJONES: i think everyone is
erinlJONES: but i've got it real bad, i've never been diagnosed with it, but my older brother has it, my mom is going to get me an appointment for the doctor soon to see about all of this stuff. cause its effecting my grades badly
erinlJONES: but the depression and anxiety part has already been fixed basically
ForcesOfNature05: hmmm you really should... it could be worse
ForcesOfNature05: I have had a few friends with ADD... the meds I dunno..
ForcesOfNature05: I can't say I go for them.. it takes their spark sometimes
erinlJONES: true
ForcesOfNature05: but smetimes you gotta do what you gotta do
erinlJONES: my bro took ritalin for a longtime and it messed him up the entire time, emotionally wise, true
erinlJONES: i'm basically great with everything, just chemical imbalances (depression, which i never believe that theory until this year) which has been fixed lol, and the other stuff well, just helps me be a bad student
erinlJONES: always have been a bad student, but i've always rather have my teachers think i'm a lazy brat rather than someone who is stupid and doesn't understand
erinlJONES: well i understand just on my own terms
erinlJONES: the teachers have to grab my attention and that just doesn't happen that often
ForcesOfNature05: yeah
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: wow rambling
ForcesOfNature05: lol it's okay
ForcesOfNature05: have you not heard me babble yet? :-P
erinlJONES: lol not really
ForcesOfNature05: cause if not then you shall see.. haha
erinlJONES: ok good
erinlJONES: lol
ForcesOfNature05: one day we'll talk music haha
erinlJONES: sounds good to me
ForcesOfNature05: but yeah, teachers that can actually get your attention in any case are rare because good teachers ar rare
erinlJONES: exactly
erinlJONES: and the teacher that is giving me problems right now, insists on doing 3 chapters a week of accounting which takes awhile to do. And leaves it to us to do it basically all ourselves, unless we go stand in a line with 5 other people at her desk. Then feel rushed when you ask the question, she can tell you 5 things, and by the time i get back to my desk i only remember 1 or 2 cause i was so panicked. or she is only paying attention to her UIL kids (the super smart kids that compete) which pisses me off majorly
ForcesOfNature05: that's really weird
ForcesOfNature05: that's a bad teacher, right there o_O
erinlJONES: yeah exactly
erinlJONES: like i said before, frustrating
ForcesOfNature05: truly, I'm sorry you have such a crappy teacher
erinlJONES: lol not your problem
erinlJONES: ok really, sorry to do this, but i must go
erinlJONES: i only intending to stay and talk for a sec, but you seem to keep me talking forever:-)
ForcesOfNature05: LOL
erinlJONES: i need some sleep
ForcesOfNature05: oh I see it's MY fault :0-p
ForcesOfNature05: *:-P
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: yepyep
ForcesOfNature05: *laughs*
ForcesOfNature05: you're funny *thumbs up*
ForcesOfNature05: :-P
erinlJONES: lol i know
erinlJONES: j/k
ForcesOfNature05: haha
ForcesOfNature05: funny looking! ;-) *jk
erinlJONES: exactly
ForcesOfNature05: *nods*
erinlJONES: ok but seriously this time, i must go
ForcesOfNature05: well, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :-)
erinlJONES: i believe it will be
ForcesOfNature05: *nods nods*
erinlJONES: alrighty, so i will talk to you later then
ForcesOfNature05: night night, sleep well *waves*
erinlJONES: *waves back* goodnight
Well thats all Folks!!!!!
Sunday, February 01, 2004
~~Interesting Conversation with Rebecca earlier~~
dabopgk: k, sorry bout that
erinlJONES: no prob.
erinlJONES: anyways....
dabopgk: hows the season going thus far
erinlJONES: its good, now because of friday we're 81-2
erinlJONES: 8-1-2
dabopgk: that is pretty good
dabopgk: i think we're 7-3
dabopgk: all 7 wins were shut outs
erinlJONES: awesome
erinlJONES: ok, we always talk about soccer, lets talk about something else for once
dabopgk: ok.... girls? school? college?
dabopgk: pick
erinlJONES: you pick
erinlJONES: something less stressful than girls, lol
dabopgk: not doing so good aye? *smiles*
dabopgk: i don't know who's worse, the girls or the damn boys
erinlJONES: why do you say that
dabopgk: nope, you get to pick, i asked you first *muahaha*
dabopgk: because boys are assholes
dabopgk: but girls drive me nuts
erinlJONES: well since you went ahead and mention girls, then i techinically already got you to choose, lol. why are boys assholes
dabopgk: they either live to far away or they aren't very nice or they're straight
erinlJONES: oic, so does this relate to your latest distance entry?
dabopgk: not boys as individuals, but as groups.... and because they think with their penius
erinlJONES: true
dabopgk: kind of, i'm just frusterated with being single and then having someone in austin, a new girl, not analise, that i wish i could be with but knows its impossible
erinlJONES: just to be blunt everything is impossible with you
erinlJONES: and to be honest, you should try be single for awhile, you jump from person to person, which i think is why things tend not to work out, but well sorry i guess thats not really any of my business
dabopgk: nah, we're talking, you have the right to say anything you want to
dabopgk: i was by myself for a long time before mayra......
erinlJONES: not really
erinlJONES: if you think about it
dabopgk: donovan and i were over in june
dabopgk: i didn't really get with her until october
dabopgk: she and i just talked about it, nothing more
erinlJONES: key words, talked about it
erinlJONES: cause she wasn't here until then, am i right
dabopgk: nope, she was in town in august
dabopgk: we met officially in september
erinlJONES: if you're not with someone, you're always thinking about being with someone, you find someone on the net or someone in real life that you like, or they're interesting, or whatever, you develope a crush, and then you go from there, perhaps moving too fast, or whatever
dabopgk: i enjoy being in relationships but its not like i skip around randomly
dabopgk: yes, the beginning of my junior year i did
dabopgk: i was in analise recovery
dabopgk: since my second semester junior year i've only dated four people
dabopgk: megan, you, donovan and mayra
erinlJONES: wow
erinlJONES: lol actually i wouldn't say you really dated me, but ok. lol still i see that as bouncing around, but thats just me
dabopgk: brb
erinlJONES: ok
dabopgk: sorry about that, phone call
erinlJONES: cool
dabopgk: yeah, i'm not perfect, i'm an asshole sometimes, not denying it
erinlJONES: sometimes?
dabopgk: but, four in a year is a hell of a lot better than 8 in four months
dabopgk: are you implying that i'm always an asshole?
erinlJONES: maybe
dabopgk: well, i'm not quite sure what to say about that erin
erinlJONES: lol
dabopgk: were you kidding?
dabopgk: or serious?
erinlJONES: no i was serious
dabopgk: qualify that statement
erinlJONES: what do you mean?
dabopgk: explain
erinlJONES: which statemenr
erinlJONES: t
dabopgk: sorry about that, computer kicked me off
erinlJONES: its ok
dabopgk: last thing that i got was me saying explain
erinlJONES: that i was serious
dabopgk: yes, explain why you think i am always an asshole
erinlJONES: i didn't say always
dabopgk: dabopgk: yeah, i'm not perfect, i'm an asshole sometimes, not denying it
dabopgk: but, four in a year is a hell of a lot better than 8 in four months
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: sometimes?
dabopgk: are you implying that i'm always an asshole?
erinlJONES: maybe
dabopgk: what else could that mean?
erinlJONES: well you see i would, but then i know you, and you will come up with some excuse even though it may be a real excuse, it will still be the same, an excuse
dabopgk: that doesn't make any sense
erinlJONES: ok i would explain why i think your an asshole, but your response would simply be an excuse
dabopgk: so, if i'm an asshole, why do you continually try to keep connected to me?
dabopgk: obviously, i must have some kind of redeeming qualities or you would have given up by now
erinlJONES: maybe cause i have faith in you, that you'll change
erinlJONES: plus well i don't give up on people
dabopgk: i feel very frusterated with you right now.
erinlJONES: good
dabopgk: and why would that be good?
erinlJONES: because it just is, means i've got you thinking
dabopgk: no, that means you've pissed me off, two very different things
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: either way, still is good to me
erinlJONES: how have i pissed you off?
dabopgk: first, i was looking forward to a nice, slightly normal conversation with you, second, it didn't happen, third, i feel that judgement that you have made against me is not qualified. while i admit my actions towards you were not something i would be proud of, i do not think that they justify that opinion of me. fourth, you barely know me, you are barely involved in my life, you have no idea what kind of person i am.
dabopgk: fifth, i feel very much like lashing out at you, saying things that i halfheartedly mean, but only because i'm taking this personally. in no way do i think that i am a complete asshole. i am me, and if you don't like it, get over it. i don't need you patrionizing me with your "not giving up" stuff. i need no one to wait for me to change.
erinlJONES: congratulations Rebecca, this is the first real conversation that we've ever had, and is it my fault i'm not involved in your life, i've tried and tried and tried, and continue to try but it never seems to work out. And by the way feel free to say anything that comes to mind, it sucks to hold things back, i've realized that, whats the pointing of holding back what you feel
erinlJONES: so tell me, who are you?
dabopgk: i'm not holding back what i feel, i am editing my immediate response to critisism, which would have been immediate critisism of you and thus not constructive
dabopgk: rebecca
erinlJONES: lol true
erinlJONES: feel free criticize me
erinlJONES: tell me what you really think
erinlJONES: atleast i won't deny
erinlJONES: it
erinlJONES: well?
dabopgk: i won't criticize you in anger
erinlJONES: why, thats when its the most pure
erinlJONES: brb going to go outside real quick
dabopgk: no, thats when its fear motivated
erinlJONES: fear?
erinlJONES: explain
erinlJONES: why fear?
erinlJONES: so what you're too mad to talk to me now?
dabopgk: no, i just don't feel that i have any need to explain anything to you
dabopgk: there is no reason why i would want to talk to someone who thinks i'm an asshole all the time. i'm not an idiot, if you feel that way about me, there is no reason for me to continue bothering you
erinlJONES: i didn't say you were an idiot
dabopgk: no, but your actions imply it
erinlJONES: how is that
erinlJONES: and i never said you were bothering me
dabopgk: erin, i am done with this conversation
dabopgk: you have been utmostly rude and i'm finished
erinlJONES: i'm sorry for being rud
erinlJONES: rude
dabopgk: good night
dabopgk signed off at 7:50:20 PM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Previous message was not received by dabopgk because of error: User dabopgk is not available.
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dabopgk: k, sorry bout that
erinlJONES: no prob.
erinlJONES: anyways....
dabopgk: hows the season going thus far
erinlJONES: its good, now because of friday we're 81-2
erinlJONES: 8-1-2
dabopgk: that is pretty good
dabopgk: i think we're 7-3
dabopgk: all 7 wins were shut outs
erinlJONES: awesome
erinlJONES: ok, we always talk about soccer, lets talk about something else for once
dabopgk: ok.... girls? school? college?
dabopgk: pick
erinlJONES: you pick
erinlJONES: something less stressful than girls, lol
dabopgk: not doing so good aye? *smiles*
dabopgk: i don't know who's worse, the girls or the damn boys
erinlJONES: why do you say that
dabopgk: nope, you get to pick, i asked you first *muahaha*
dabopgk: because boys are assholes
dabopgk: but girls drive me nuts
erinlJONES: well since you went ahead and mention girls, then i techinically already got you to choose, lol. why are boys assholes
dabopgk: they either live to far away or they aren't very nice or they're straight
erinlJONES: oic, so does this relate to your latest distance entry?
dabopgk: not boys as individuals, but as groups.... and because they think with their penius
erinlJONES: true
dabopgk: kind of, i'm just frusterated with being single and then having someone in austin, a new girl, not analise, that i wish i could be with but knows its impossible
erinlJONES: just to be blunt everything is impossible with you
erinlJONES: and to be honest, you should try be single for awhile, you jump from person to person, which i think is why things tend not to work out, but well sorry i guess thats not really any of my business
dabopgk: nah, we're talking, you have the right to say anything you want to
dabopgk: i was by myself for a long time before mayra......
erinlJONES: not really
erinlJONES: if you think about it
dabopgk: donovan and i were over in june
dabopgk: i didn't really get with her until october
dabopgk: she and i just talked about it, nothing more
erinlJONES: key words, talked about it
erinlJONES: cause she wasn't here until then, am i right
dabopgk: nope, she was in town in august
dabopgk: we met officially in september
erinlJONES: if you're not with someone, you're always thinking about being with someone, you find someone on the net or someone in real life that you like, or they're interesting, or whatever, you develope a crush, and then you go from there, perhaps moving too fast, or whatever
dabopgk: i enjoy being in relationships but its not like i skip around randomly
dabopgk: yes, the beginning of my junior year i did
dabopgk: i was in analise recovery
dabopgk: since my second semester junior year i've only dated four people
dabopgk: megan, you, donovan and mayra
erinlJONES: wow
erinlJONES: lol actually i wouldn't say you really dated me, but ok. lol still i see that as bouncing around, but thats just me
dabopgk: brb
erinlJONES: ok
dabopgk: sorry about that, phone call
erinlJONES: cool
dabopgk: yeah, i'm not perfect, i'm an asshole sometimes, not denying it
erinlJONES: sometimes?
dabopgk: but, four in a year is a hell of a lot better than 8 in four months
dabopgk: are you implying that i'm always an asshole?
erinlJONES: maybe
dabopgk: well, i'm not quite sure what to say about that erin
erinlJONES: lol
dabopgk: were you kidding?
dabopgk: or serious?
erinlJONES: no i was serious
dabopgk: qualify that statement
erinlJONES: what do you mean?
dabopgk: explain
erinlJONES: which statemenr
erinlJONES: t
dabopgk: sorry about that, computer kicked me off
erinlJONES: its ok
dabopgk: last thing that i got was me saying explain
erinlJONES: that i was serious
dabopgk: yes, explain why you think i am always an asshole
erinlJONES: i didn't say always
dabopgk: dabopgk: yeah, i'm not perfect, i'm an asshole sometimes, not denying it
dabopgk: but, four in a year is a hell of a lot better than 8 in four months
erinlJONES: cool
erinlJONES: sometimes?
dabopgk: are you implying that i'm always an asshole?
erinlJONES: maybe
dabopgk: what else could that mean?
erinlJONES: well you see i would, but then i know you, and you will come up with some excuse even though it may be a real excuse, it will still be the same, an excuse
dabopgk: that doesn't make any sense
erinlJONES: ok i would explain why i think your an asshole, but your response would simply be an excuse
dabopgk: so, if i'm an asshole, why do you continually try to keep connected to me?
dabopgk: obviously, i must have some kind of redeeming qualities or you would have given up by now
erinlJONES: maybe cause i have faith in you, that you'll change
erinlJONES: plus well i don't give up on people
dabopgk: i feel very frusterated with you right now.
erinlJONES: good
dabopgk: and why would that be good?
erinlJONES: because it just is, means i've got you thinking
dabopgk: no, that means you've pissed me off, two very different things
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: either way, still is good to me
erinlJONES: how have i pissed you off?
dabopgk: first, i was looking forward to a nice, slightly normal conversation with you, second, it didn't happen, third, i feel that judgement that you have made against me is not qualified. while i admit my actions towards you were not something i would be proud of, i do not think that they justify that opinion of me. fourth, you barely know me, you are barely involved in my life, you have no idea what kind of person i am.
dabopgk: fifth, i feel very much like lashing out at you, saying things that i halfheartedly mean, but only because i'm taking this personally. in no way do i think that i am a complete asshole. i am me, and if you don't like it, get over it. i don't need you patrionizing me with your "not giving up" stuff. i need no one to wait for me to change.
erinlJONES: congratulations Rebecca, this is the first real conversation that we've ever had, and is it my fault i'm not involved in your life, i've tried and tried and tried, and continue to try but it never seems to work out. And by the way feel free to say anything that comes to mind, it sucks to hold things back, i've realized that, whats the pointing of holding back what you feel
erinlJONES: so tell me, who are you?
dabopgk: i'm not holding back what i feel, i am editing my immediate response to critisism, which would have been immediate critisism of you and thus not constructive
dabopgk: rebecca
erinlJONES: lol true
erinlJONES: feel free criticize me
erinlJONES: tell me what you really think
erinlJONES: atleast i won't deny
erinlJONES: it
erinlJONES: well?
dabopgk: i won't criticize you in anger
erinlJONES: why, thats when its the most pure
erinlJONES: brb going to go outside real quick
dabopgk: no, thats when its fear motivated
erinlJONES: fear?
erinlJONES: explain
erinlJONES: why fear?
erinlJONES: so what you're too mad to talk to me now?
dabopgk: no, i just don't feel that i have any need to explain anything to you
dabopgk: there is no reason why i would want to talk to someone who thinks i'm an asshole all the time. i'm not an idiot, if you feel that way about me, there is no reason for me to continue bothering you
erinlJONES: i didn't say you were an idiot
dabopgk: no, but your actions imply it
erinlJONES: how is that
erinlJONES: and i never said you were bothering me
dabopgk: erin, i am done with this conversation
dabopgk: you have been utmostly rude and i'm finished
erinlJONES: i'm sorry for being rud
erinlJONES: rude
dabopgk: good night
dabopgk signed off at 7:50:20 PM.
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